|Review:||Lyn Midnight says:|
Now this one is very rich. From symbolism to emotion and vocabulary - all good ways to seduce a reader. It’s like those excellent meals the Frech savour in several courses, because the Chef has outdone him or herself. The elements of the tale are so strongly linked, and yet everything is frail. It looks like you’ve invested a long time and a lot of effort to make it seem so … effortless.
I see why you said you express yourself in a strange way sometimes. I have noticed it in other stories, but it shows the most in this one. However, the story itself obviously demands a different treatment, and that is why you are truly a versatile author.
It was only in a few places that the structure became too hard to swallow, but it was still brilliantly written, which is ultimately the most important thing. Furthermore, I must admit that I enjoyed the form far more than the soul of the story. As for the latter, their encounter was extremely sensual, one could feel the tension, desire, and, well, distance. Something like the love of two stars – it cannot exist because of the distance, but in writing – there could be a thread, even though for just a moment.
Also, I think this is one of those cases where the title is most appropriate, and any other would be wrong for the tale. Thus, of course, my absolute favourite line is: “Like stars they would shine above the world, sharing fire while everything burned to ash.”
However, I was wondering about how old was Tom at the time, because I thought that Minerva must have been older than him by more than a year. Also, he says that he’s a ‘poor mudblooded boy’ in her eyes, but he’s Half-blood!
Again, I spotted out some problematic parts:
She turned her head to seek out the tall form and receeding hair, (receding) / She met his eyes, briefly, before having to glance look away again. (glance or look?) / Ten years after leaving this place, you returned to spend the rest of your life (here). / He came towards her again, his hand outreached (outstretched). / He used her heart, not an imperious curse. (Imperius Curse)
Finally, I MUST quote another two favorite parts:
“Liquid was the only way to describe him – each moment brought him new expression, new emotion that could either fill or flood.” -- AND – “He was facing her now, without the smiles of the lover, nor the amusement of the corruptor, nor the impatience of the genius. For what emotion could a man without a soul express?” – Brilliant! Absolutely magnificent, it couldn’t’ve been said better!
Author's Response: Rich is nice word to use. ;) There is a lot to this story, probably too much, but I can't edit out things - as is, this story is a testament to a lot of toil and trouble. This is perhaps the most difficult story I've written, so it's really amazing that it seems to effortless. It's such a weird story and I have a lot of trouble re-reading it for that reason. Though, it would be an idea to re-write it as a new story - try the ship out again in a different way to see if I can pull it off better. Who knows?
Tom is either one or two years younger than her, but in 1956 (when this story takes place), I assumed that he would have aged prematurely, looking like a much older man. He's already divided his soul (three ways by this point?) and that would have definitely taken its toll. As for the mudblood part, I think you're right - I assumed that mudblood could also refer to half-bloods, whose blood has been muddied by their Muggle blood.
Thank you very much for reviewing another story, Lyn! It's wonderful to hear from you and see what things you pick out. :D