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Review:HogwartsGirl618 says:
Hello! =) I'm HogwartsMarauder over at the forums, and I am so sorry it has taken me so long to review!

First off- I was struck by your writing style. I love it. The way you write is positively incredible- I truly haven't seen many first person narratives this effective. It's descriptive, it's sarcastic, it's brilliant. "Small talk. The death of intellectuals everywhere." Pure genius =)

Helen is really quite intriguing. She isn't a Mary-Sue, and you've done a wonderful job with characterization. To me, it seems as if she can be profoundly astute- but at the same time has the potential to be overly dismissive. I hope that's a correct reading- very much like a Black.

And Moody is also fascinating! The whole plot is fascinating! And I loved the details of the way you described Cadogan- as a foreigner- the details were so vivid- it really added a richness and complexity to the plot. I wonder if he's a wizard *ponders* I see him as similar to Sir Charles- from the Golden Compass (I don't know if you've read it, but I thought I would draw the comparison anyway =)

And your grammar was wonderful. Kudos to you.

If I had to make one critique- and that's not easy to do with such a wonderful story =)- I would say that your sentence flow can be abrupt- and in places choppy. Perhaps adding a couple of longer sentences in between the shorter ones you use for emphasis would not go amiss.

But it was brilliant! I really, truly did enjoy it. I haven't read something with a plot this complex/connected in a really long time. It's wonderful.

Author's Response: Don't worry about how long it took, I know how busy all the reviewers are and this wasn't the shortest of stories. :) I really appreciate that you were able to come and review this for me. ^_^

So the first person is working? I have a love-hate relationship with that style of narration because it's so limiting. It helps that Helen's so opinionated - without her character, I don't think I could pull it off. But I do see what you mean about using too many short sentences. It's a bad habit I've gotten into that needs to be moderated more. Thank you for mentioning it - I'll definitely keep it in mind for future chapters, adding in more longer sentences to even things out. :)

And it's wonderful that you like Helen. The great thing about writing a Slytherin character is that they can say all the things about the world I never could. XD Cadogan is very much like Sir Charles - I never realized it until you mentioned it, wow. An unconscious influence, I guess, since I love Pullman's books.

Anyway, thank you very much for this review! It was wonderfully helpful and insightful. :D


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