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Review: Whimsical Diva says:
It wasn't the digression from canon that bothered me so much as the fact that this really didn't have any kind of effect on me.

I really didn't get the significance of the memories you chose. I'm afraid it didn't really cast light on their relationship or characters. Charlotte has absolutely no individualism of her own and neither does Blaise. She's the typical, generic not-so-bad Slytherin who doesn't quite subscribe to the Slytherin beliefs and isn't a fan of violence and gore. These characters are lost to anonymity. There are hundreds of other such characters. Now I'm not against reusing a used idea, provided you're able to use it in a different context. Old wine in new bottle. Always remember that you two most important aspects of a story are plot and characterisation, and the characterisation is an instrument of the implementation of the plot. It's difficult to touch upon all the facets of your character, but contradiction, paradox and moral ambiguity are so much more fun to read about. They add flesh to the bones of your characters and render them realistic and interesting.

Another area where you could work on is your dialogue. I have to mention here that I really, really liked the dialogue in the second section of the story where they're kids. You managed to capture the innocence, navet and child-like quality very, very well. But the dialogue in the fourth section leant on the side of overly dramatic. Lines such as: I dont want you to join the Death Eaters, I stated. I dont want you to join, but I know if you refuse you will be killed, so all I have to say to you is I love you.

It... it just doesn't sound natural when I read it aloud. It sounded like something a child would say. There are subtler ways of giving expression to the same feeling. Dialogue is hard and the best way to go about it is to read it aloud to yourself and see if it sounds realistic, or to imagine it like a movie.

There were also a few spelling and grammatical mistakes but nothing horribly distracting, and if you get this beta'ed you can get it straightened out.

These were just my personal views. You may not agree with me (because I know I don't always agree with all my reviewers), and I think it is the prerogative of the author to agree or disagree with the reviewer. Think about it, if you find any part of the review to be helpful, then keep it in mind for your future writing. :)


- Renee.

Author's Response: It's okay that you didn't like this. At least you were honest with me, rather than giving me this great review when in your eyes I didn't deserve it.

And I did find this review helpful in that I know what I'll have to work on next time when I'm writing, like characterization. I'm glad you liked some of my dialogue, so I hope that means that my dialogue isn't bad, it just can be bad. I couldn't find a beta for this, but next time I'll definitely get one to improve my grammar and spelling.

Thank you for the review :)


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