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Review: Whimsical Diva says:
This has a distinct first-person flavour to it. Though it's narrated in third person, some of the lines (for instance, But, oh, was she pretty. She looked so much better with a long, red ponytail than Bill did. ) read as if taken straight out of a first-person narrative. And then there are some lines which are written in a more formal register (eg. Those were the rules of combat for men. There was a certain code of chivalry ... supported by the foundation of the gentlemanly respect rules for fighting). There's nothing wrong about it per se, but my preference is that third-person stories (even the third-person limited narrative mode) be written in the writer's auctorial voice, and not in the voice of the character in question, even if it's supposed to be stream-of-consciousness. It lends consistency to your narrative (like Draco would be referred to as either 'Draco' or 'Malfoy'), and it even irons out the occassional abruptness in the narrative. Like take this bit for example: The echo of the final screech reverberated around the bathroom and nearly deafened Malfoy. There was a stillness in the air that made Malfoy uncomfortable to breathe in. He couldnít believe what he had done. The tears came unexpectedly.

This reads perfectly all right in first-person, because as often as not, not a host of impressive and dramatic emotions flit through a person's mind after such an unexpected event. But when written in the third-person narrative mode, the author literally takes up the work of transcribing the events and emotions in a more articulate way. Given that, I'd have preferred a smoother transition. That, however, is but a personal preference. :)

I just noticed one small mistake. [... monumental consequences and what it would mean for the world, he would ring Deanís neck.]

Should be: wring Dean's neck :)

I liked the action, I really did. It was neither too rushed nor too slow. The sentences were also quite choppy as action should be. Though I feel some of the sentences could've been shorter. The shorter, the better. It keeps the reader on the edge of their seat.

Now to the actual review. I really liked the plot. I love LOVE it when authors take risks and aren't afraid of shocking the readers. Because let's face it, conventional stories are so boring. I also really liked the fact that this had a rather abrupt start and an equally abrupt end. It began with Harry's thoughts and ended with Draco's. Above all, the thing that stands out to me is that this is only a snapshot, as it were. Thank you for not going into unnecessary details for the readers' benefit, because that means you credit your readers with enough intelligence to catch up without much prompting. Initially I thought that you went slightly overboard with Harry's jealousy, but then on second thoughts I felt that his emotions were transitory. They would've dissipated gradually, but one thing lead to another. I think it served as a good foundation for your denouement. :)

- Renee

Author's Response: Thank you for your detailed review =) Did I mention I was a bit scared to request a review from you? XD

I understand what you mean about the first-person feel to it, but this is actually how I wanted it to be. I wanted to keep it third but have emphasis on Harry's thoughts. It would be easier for the fight scene.

Thank you. I'm glad you liked the action =) It was definitely a challenge for me to write it believably.

This is probably the biggest risk I've ever taken in writing, except maybe when I tried slash. That was a personal risk.

I can't thank you enough on your comment about unnecessary details. That is one thing I say in my reviews too - I trust my readers to understand what I want them to understand.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^

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