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Review:Browneyes101 says:
Here I am just as you requested! :)

Okay, let me get through the evil, bad stuff so that way we can enjoy the good stuff. Alright here goes!

I saw that in a lot of parts of this chapter that you didn't have complete sentences. In order to have a complete sentence you need a subject and a verb, but you already now this, don't you? Of course you do. At the beginning of this chapter you got a little comma crazy, but that's okay becasue we all do it. I know I have! Just mellow out your commas some more and you'll be fine.

Now here comes the part that I love, the good stuff! You had really good descrbtion, I could see it playing as a movie in my head and that's what your readers want. The emotion was so big I had to lean back in my seat! You really now how to express those feelings and get them across.

I suggest getting a beta to clean up your sentences, and then your chapters really will be perfect!

Hope I helped. 7/10

Browneyes

Author's Response: Hi there. The funny thing is, I have a beta... I guess she didn't get all the mistakes. Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it :)

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