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Review:Random Writer says:
I'll start out by saying that I like the idea, but I think it could be improved a tad. I think the idea of James falling in love with a girl besides Lily is always a good variety, for there are plenty of those already. In the very beginning, I think you had some good imagery, but the paragraph about his father and expectations were a little much. It sort of distracted from the story line, as opposed to adding too it. The long paragraph was a bit much, and I think you could probably take it out, but still have a good story.



Also, word choice, variation in particular, would be helpful. When you describe the kiss, you use a variety of words that bring the scene in front of my eyes, so that I can see it playing out. But some of the other parts are a bit dry of this detail, and some of it is a little repetitive.



Overall, I did like your story, and you've done a pretty good job. I just happen to be rather picky about this, so I apologize for any criticism I do like it, and you did a great job.

Author's Response: thanks! just a note--it's actually Harry's son...not James I. i mentioned it in my story summary =]

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