I loved the beginning of this. Scratch that, I loved all of it, but I loved the way the beginning made me want to read more, as I wanted to know why. I thought the dialogue was really good, and generally, I felt as though the characters were living and breathing beside me on that hill. I loved the balance between his own thoughts and the action between them on the hill. His thought process was very realistic, and I thought your choice of words was really good.
It was really nice to read a one-shot about something not pivotal, which is unusual, and it was very calming and nice-to-read, if that makes sense. I loved the song lyrics too, and the way they were used.
There were just a couple of things though:
- at times there were words in the dialogue (eg. somewhat, Mother) that seemed a touch too formal, but other than that, it was really good, and built up the relationship between the characters well.
- I felt there was a bit of a leap at just one point with the point after the "You looked asleep", because my mind didn't automatically jump to that reaction, although I can understand how Ann did, but I wouldn't have thought Ted would have. This could just be me, of course.
Overall, I thought it was really good, and I loved reading it. 9.5/10
Author's Response: Thank you so much; I'm so glad you enjoyed it; and thank you so much for the compliments!
Hm... you have a point about the word choice, but I can't give you a satisfactory answer (I haven't read this since I wrote it, and honestly I don't think I can bring myself to do it XD) except that I do think there can be people who talk like that. Words like 'somewhat', I use when I talk all the time. As for Mother... it's probably just the kind of relationship you have with your mother. I use the formal word often when I talk to my mother (not in English though), but hey, to each his own.
As for the leap -- again, I haven't read it for ages, so I'll take your word for it. It doesn't seem unlikely that I made an illogical leap, I do it all the time, and I'm grateful for you having pointed it out. Thank you so much!