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Review:morgana67 says:
You know, this isn't boring at all. It really drew me in. I loved the idea of a secret society and the fact that you introduce three different girls. I find interesting that you don't name "tomato girl" just yet. I guess that she is going to be a sympathetic character, much more so than Sienna. Sienna, so far, I don't have a good feeling about in terms of romance with Albus or anyone who may deserve someone who isn't shallow. I guess you wanted her to come across as shallow and full of herself, though. Now, I do appreciate that Albus really, really lacks confidence, poor thing and he sees her as a princess etc but unless the guy is a poet maybe his description of her is a little over the top for a boy of his age narrating. Maybe if he put it in a secret diary or something, okay, but thinking it, I'm not sure, although I think you were trying to convey his erroneous vision of her. I could very well be barking at the wrong tree here because many more things are yet to unfold.

Anielle and tomato girl could both turn out interesting, on the other hand, for what I see so far.

I love how poor Albus comes across as such a hopeless but nice person. Now, I don't think McGonagall, no matter how much she may compare him with and admire his relatives, would ever humiliate him in front of an audience. Okay, she is not quite like Snape was to Harry but she does put him down. I have always seen her as a very good teacher and this just seem to me like bad teaching methods; in private in her room, perhaps but not in front of the rest of the classroom.

I do feel for the kid though and you convey his feelings very well. Also, rest assure, your prologue is not in any way boring in my view.

I think this story has great potential actually.

Author's Response: I'm so happy you didn't think this was boring - really, it means a lot to hear that. First of all, I know McGonagall was OOC. I'm so ashamed about that! I'm re-writing the chapter, and McGonagall will no longer be teaching, so I'll use a Snape-like teacher instead. In fact, that will work so much better for my little subplot (there in an explanation in the story as to why Albus is so horribly untalented at Transfiguration, it's not a random choice).
Second - about "tomato girl". She's not exactly a character in the story, she was just a device to introduce Sienna, but I do have another scene in the story with her, so she'll make one other appearance. As for Sienna - I can say your feeling is good, though she's not really the way you think she is. Of course, since the story's just started, I couldn't introduce her properly. The reason why Albus describes her the way he does is because he idolizes her. His view is obviously exaggerated greatly, but that's only due to his infatuation. However, I'll keep what you said in mind. The re-written chapter will actually be told in third person, so I don't think there will be such a dramatic description of her.
Anielle, however, is a relatively important character, as are all the society members. She's not one of the main characters, but she does play a part. I tried not to introduce any useless characters here, but with "tomato girl" I had no choice. I decided to call her that just to point out that she isn't important, so the reader doesn't have to focus on her.
I'm really happy you liked this chapter, and I'm extremely grateful for the wonderful review. Thank you so so much for taking the time to let me know what you thought, it's much appreciated! ^_^

Hugs,
CJ


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