The last part of the chapter blew me away.
Your spelling and grammar was perfection - I must congratulate you on that (I've failed in those areas several times.which makes it hard for my work to be read.) You also did a great job with the tense. :]
But let me start at the beginning and be honest though:
At first, it fell rather flat, but it had to be done, as you have stated, and I can tell you tried to make it as interesting as possible - and when I think about it know, it makes sense, seeing as Albus would really be thinking those thoughts after being sick of Hogwarts for four-five years.
An excerpt from your chapter:
Every year, I’d spent my free time in the library, studying for a subject I was dreadful at; every year, I came closer and closer to failing it. I was an average student in everything else, but simply – to put it in McGonagall’s words – “horribly untalented in Transfiguration, unlike your brother and your father”.
Hm. Wording is quite harsh. "horribly" really gets to me, I think "terribly" would feel better. And perhaps the word "unsuited" or "incapable to handle the coursework". Or maybe you can make Albus say, "Or as McGonagall implied..."
I don't know, but that seems quite OC, along with other things McGonagall said. Try to reword it - or even better - put a different teacher in it. Make Minerva retire. XD She's pretty old anyway.
“What are you doing, boy? I said you could go back to your seat. Why are you still standing there?”
The word 'boy' really got me. I don't know why, but it seems like a thing men professors would say. I cannot imagine McGonagall ever saying that.
Everything seemed quite normal - usual to find in a fanfiction - until Anielle was introduced. That's when everything changed.
Everything went really.REALLY nicely from there.
And here I almost died:
And as I contemplated her beauty, the incredible happened.
A small, circular box fell from the pocket of her bag, and rolled on the floor right to my feet. She hadn’t even noticed, and I bent to pick it up. For the first time in my life, I felt ecstatic at the thought that I had a reason to talk to Sienna Brown.
Amazing writing. I could picture it so clearly in my own head. That really got me into the story - along with the dialog and physical description of characters was really a refreshing change at the end of the chapter (loved the very end of it, too btw.) :]
This story is on my favorites, more to see where this story is going than where it is. The plot seems interesting...and I think the next chapters are going to be so much better and more captivating. I understand that this chapter had to be written, and I apologize for having to be so harsh, but I think you won in the end (haha...literally the end...of the chapter! Okay. Dry humor done.)
Overall: 8.5/10. (leaning towards the 9 though...didn't want to get into two decimal places...you might just go craz) Haha. ;)
Please update soon! I just know this story is going to be great. :]
Author's Response: Wow O.O Okay, so I'm probably going to say this several times, but thank you So much for the review! Seriously, it helps A LOT!
First of all, let me just say that I am re-writing this chapter because I was very very lazy and didn't put too much work into it because I wanted to get to the interesting parts (aka the next chapters). I'm really ashamed to admit it now, I've always hated it when people did that and now I've done it myself. *sigh*
Don't worry, you weren't harsh at all. I appreciate constructive criticism more than praise, actually. Be mean - it always helps me improve, and that's what I ultimately want. So thank you for being harsh :P
Yes, McGonagall was terribly OOC. I feel stupid for not realizing it at first. I just got this idea into my head that she would be really old by that time, and I thought hmmm, what do old ladies do? Then everything went downhill from there. I tried too hard to make her sound old that I forgot what her true character was like. I'd been thinking of replacing her with someone else anyway, so I'm going to go do just that.
I'm really glad you liked the plot, it's what I was really hoping for. There are so many subplots and things happening in this story, and I knew that if people weren't going to like the plot, the story is pretty much gone. Unlike my other stories, which were more character-focused, this one is focused 90% on the plot. There is action, which is something I've never really written before. It's exciting and scary at the same time, and nothing makes me happier than to hear the plot is good.
I promise that the next chapters won't be as disappointing, and I know that when I'm going to be done re-writing this chapter, it's going to be a lot better. And it's all thanks to you guys. ^_^ *huggles*
Again, thank you very very much for the lovely review, it means the world to me! ^_^