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Review:HP_aficionado says:
The chapter was not so much boring as trite. When I say trite, I'm not talking about the plot. The plot, or rather, the premise is brilliant. I was intrigued by the summary and the story did not let me down. The problem is with the technical part... the writing and the narrative.

The first few paragraphs gave me the impression that I'm being TOLD too much, rather than being SHOWN. That's why first person narratives are so tricky; as it is, it limits you because you have to narrate everything from one perspective which will most likely not be reliable, and then there is the all-important voice (I think you're doing well here. Writing from a male perspective is hard, and you seem to do that well).

The whole prologue seemed a bit ... off kilter. It seems very strange that Albus Potter would wake up one day to muse about how positively horrid his life is; I mean, it'd have been more likely if all these details were SHOWN through various interactions Al had with people... I liked how it was done in Incandescence; Lily wakes up one night and acknowledges that there is something unusual about the night, which makes her act unusually too. In this story, it seems as though Al wakes up every day in the throes of a depression - that was the impression I got. One of the most effective techniques is to use normal, everyday events to introduce your characters; that way, the reader gwill get a flavour of the character and also the story will seem realistic.The key is to capture the train of thought of the character, and a train of thought wouldn't always involve a long-winded backstory of one's life, would it? You have to allude...Allude to the character's traits and angst and gripes, but do not TELL.

McGonagall seemed OOC... She is strict, yes, but not unkind. She is not Snape that she'd openly compare Albus to his family in front of the class and disparage him.

Now, coming to the parts I really liked... I liked the idea - novel, refreshing. I immensely liked the voice of Albus. And your preview was interesting.

I am favoriting this, because I do believe the story has potential. But there's still a lot of work needed to be done, some of the discrepancies have to be sorted out and the voice needs to be developed. You have to walk the line between keeping Albus in character with his quirks and angst, and not making him a generic character. I like the voice of Albus in this story, though there is still room for improvement.

Hope the review helped you and looking forward to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: Wow. This is officially the most helpful review I have ever gotten. Seriously, I don't even know how to begin to thank you. There is SO much helpful criticism here, it's really giving me a good start for improving this. If there was still a Best Reviewer voting, you'd have mine. Seriously.
First of all, the problem here, I just realized, was my impatience. I thought "well, let's get this done fast so I can move on to the action". The novel is long, the plot is complicated, thousands of different things happen throughout the story. I think I focused so much on what I'm going to write next that I completely neglected the quality of this chapter, which is something I'm really ashamed of. The prologue - everything Albus explains here - doesn't have much to do with the plot of the story. When I say that, I mean the fact that the life of Albus as is portrayed in this chapter is about to change completely (obvious from the summary, of course). So to tell the truth, the part where I have to go through Albus's angsty and depressive thoughts was rather boring to me, and I was excited to get to the action part.
Other than that, I don't write first person much (if you've read Incandescence, you know that the most 1st person I ever wrote were some snippets of older Lily's thoughts), and I don't enjoy writing it either.
You're absolutely right, I was supposed to show, not tell. I guess my impatience got the best of me *sigh* I went for a quick explanation sort of thing, which was obviously not a wise choice. I will be re-writing this as soon as I get a chance.
As for McGonagall...I think it didn't turn out like I wanted it to. I didn't mean to make her sound cruel, she was just reminiscing the good times when Harry and James were at school, and how good they were at Transfiguration. I didn't want her to be mean to Albus. I just got it into my head that in Next Gen Era, McGonagall would probably be very old, and I think I tried too hard to make her sound like an old lady...
Well, I have a lot to work on ^_^ Thanks for pointing out all these things, I'll be eternally grateful for everything. You just made my day :D


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