Solo here for the requested review!
First off punctuation:
‘“Will you please just calm down,”’ should have a full stop, not a comma as you went on to a new line.
-Where Hagrid found them and said ‘“sure, sure, under here, come on.”’ There should be a capital letter at the beginning of the first sure.
-‘“Dam you for a quitter, Lavender Brown,”’ there should be an ‘n’ on the end of dam to make it damn, dam is something that stops water in a river, and there should be a full stop instead of a comma at the end there.
-‘A swam of chattering girls had surrounded Lavender’ I think it was just a simple typo – a swarm of chattering girls had surrounded Lavender seems to fit better.
-‘“It wasn’t so bad,”’ again, just needed a full stop instead of a comma.
Mkay, general characterisation:
-Lavender Brown. We don’t see too much of her actual character in the books, although she goes out with Ron and he spends a lot of time with her it’s from Harrys perspective mainly. From what we have seen from her, you have stuck to her personality very well from my point of view. She seems exactly like the one in the books, although we see her in more depth in your story. I’m glad you didn’t stray from her real personality!
-Harry. He goes through a range of personalities throughout the books, I think you portrayed him very well, you write a very believable Harry. He’s the hero of the series and you wrote him as one.
-Hagrid. We don’t see much of him, but I had a hard time distinguishing your Hagrid and the book-Hagrid which is good! I don’t really like it when people stray away from the characters true personalities; you did very well on this front.
The plotline in general was actually very believable, although it may seem a little cliché in a general summary it’s not written as one. It’s an unusual ship, unusual is good as it means original! You have a general ‘flow’ to your writing, nothing left me thinking ‘whaaa? How did they get there?!’ which some of the more unusual ships have done.
Everything happens gradually, there was a great climb up to the climax of the plot.
General targets could be just watch out for punctuation, re-read before you submit. Look out for commas instead of full stops, that kind of thing. I would say you have a natural talent for writing, there are some really beautiful quotes in there too! Well done.
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out those mistakes. I'll edit them right away.
Lavender was a bit difficult to write, I didn't want her to be too over the top and annoying as I have seen her portrayed in other fics, so I appreicate the comments on her.
I do enjoy writing Harry, but I'm aware that sometimes it;s easy to fit him to your story rather than fitting the story around him, so I'm pleased you obviously didn't think I did that!
I like unusual couples, but as you say it sometimes happens that a reader doesn't quite understand how they end up together in the story, so I'm glad you thought I managed to sidestep that.
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave your comments. I'll keep my eye on my punctation. lol.