Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Browneyes101 says:
Here I am as requested. :)

I'm going to be bluntly honest with you, and I really hope you don't mind. I think you didn't start this chapter off right. Example:

"I'm Ada. An ordinary girl, of brown hair and brown eyes, an average figure and a mind that brought me a lot of trouble - common life, I suppose, except that it was nothing like that. We'll see how things turn out in the end."

Normally people don't start out like this. Readers want to figure out who your character is, that's how people connect with the main character. I don't mean to sound mean (Hehe, does that even make since?) but a lot of readers don't like it when the author just gives it to them on a silver platter; give us a challenge to try and figure out who your character is.

Here is another thing that I found.

"Something in me changed - maybe it was because I finally let some things go. But, this is not a story about my past issues"

Only if you don't have any other choice should you start with but. I suggest lower casing 'but' and put before 'go' a comma. Because that first sentence is a fragment, so it would be good to combine the two sentences to make it look more professional. I don't think you should have that dash there, instead I suggest putting a comma because it's the beginning of the sentence.

Other then those two things you have a good starting point. I hope I wasn't too harsh I can come off that way when I don't mean to.

Hope I helped.6/10


Author's Response: Hey there!
No, of course I don't mind, I appreciate your opinion. :) I know that normally people don't start like that, which is actually one of the reasons why I started it that way. ;] She's telling her story, so she had to introduce herself first, right? I get your point, though, don't worry. :) As for that other sentence, I guess I just didn't want those two lines connected, thought it'd make a different impression this way, but you're right, and maybe I should change the other line so that it starts with something other than 'But'. 'However', maybe xD Anyway, thanks for taking the time to review. :)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 599
Submit Report: