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Review:Aurora Dawn says:
Hi Ollie,

You asked for criticism so I'll start with that and then go into a short analysis.

First off, is there any particular reason for the wide spaces between the lines? Also, is there a reason why the paragraphs are all so short?

The story has a slightly 'choppy' feel to it in many places. Most of the sentences are about the same length. Varying sentence length will help it flow more smoothly. When you write a story, try reading it aloud and listening to how it sounds. I do that with all of mine and it is the single most useful proof -reading strategy I know of.

I also found a few typos.

What I like about this story is that you took an unpopular, underdeveloped character that most people probably don't think twice about, and gave her more substance. This story is very psychological. It goes beyond the old "Petunia is just a jealous creep" reading of her character.

Petunia's aversion to her name suggests self loathing, which I find in keeping with her character. Although she has issues with her mother, it sounds as though Petunia's father loves her and that she's popular with the boys ( and possibly has a few girls for friends as well). Whereas adult Petunia always carried on about how Lily was the pretty, popular one. this story suggests that she may be exaggerating a bit. Perhaps Petunia is just one of those people who has a hard time loving herself and does not see her own merits.

Her difficult relationship with her mother may hold the key to her motivation for treating Harry and Dudley as she does. Perhaps she dotes on Dudley because she wants to be the mother that she never had, while at the same time she's horrible to Harry because of the psychological scars her mother inflicted on her as a child.

Your story almost raises more questions than it answers. It makes you stop and look at Petunia in a totally different way and wonder about her motivations. Time passes so quickly in it, but I almost think you could have turned it into a short story, devoting a chapter to each separate memory.

In reference to your author's note, I don't know if anyone has told you yet, but Petunia is older than Lily. Here's the exact quote from the lexicon : "Aunt Petunia is Lily (Evans) Potter’s older sister, and the wife of Vernon Dursley".

Hope you find this helpful.

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much. I asked for a review, and did I get it!

I am going to take all your questions into acount. The spacing is not my fault, and I am going to do MAJOR editing on this and my other story when I can.

I am glad that you read into the story so well. I have a "thing" for minor characters, and I know there is something more to Petunia, as stressed in OOTP, when she gets the Howler.

Maybe one day I will go on, but I would like to finish Rabbit Food first.

Thank you for your review!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-)


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