Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:D i a says:
Hello!

So I read this one-shot and have some constructive critisism for it.

1. Nice way to start out the story with the lines from the book, whcih most of us probably remember. It makes a good base for the story to build on, and it makes the reader understand immediately who's present and where in the world we are.

2. The first long part of the dialouge seemed a bit too forced to me. It's fair enough that they love each other and that Tonks wants to explain her love and Remus wants to convince her not to love him, but their actual words seemed a bit over the top, it lost the realism that it was supposed to have, because I'm not sure normal people would actually speak like that.

3. From the point they start joking, the mood lightens up and gets much more down to earth and realistic in my opinion. In that part they seem very human and easy to relate to.

4. I'm glad you added some of Tonks clumsiness and a lot of Remus seriousness, that kept both of them in character most of the time. Also the bit about the Weird Sisters clearly showed the difference between the two characters, and it added something to their relationship that we know they're this different.

5. I don't think this story would be able to stand on it's own if we didn't know 'the rest of the story' or the context of it all, but as a scene from that whole it works relatively well.

I think that was all I had to say here, I hope you find my comments useful.

/D i a

Author's Response: Ooh, yay, I love constructive criticism!

1. Thank ya! I love little flashback bits that sorta set the scene, so I decided to add it here.

2. I totally get what you mean about forced dialogue. I think I added a bit of the dramatics because I can see Tonks being so desperate after Dumbledore's death that she's willing to try anything and everything to convince Remus that she loves him. Also, sometimes normal dialogue can get boring to read! :P

3./4. :)

5. I completely agree with you there. It was sorta a "missing moments" kinda story. Plus, it was for a writing duel, so I had to keep it short, which was probably why it was a bit random.

Thanks for reviewing!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 512
Submit Report: