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Review:shade_of_lovely says:
Great job so far! this story is original and you have been able to include Jayson into the well-known group of characters without making him seem fake or unimportant.
A few suggestions.

-You are very repetitive in your writing

Ex: Something bad happens, Hermione gets scared, Jayson shows up to fight it off, everyone congradulates him, and Hermione bursts into tears

Alot of these plots have the potential to go somewhere, and I understand the importance of the Jayson/Hermione relationship, but the story would be more enjoyable to read if each chapter took the story in a new direction

-Hermione is not a developed character

Ex: Her constant need for Jayson and lack of independence

I understand that Hermione and Jayson have a close bond and need to be dependent on each other, but as her character progresses, I can see no change in the seven year-old and the thirteen year-old Hermione in the way she reacts to situations. To have a close bond characters need to rely on each other. Hermione relys too heavily on Jayson while he never seems to need her other than to protect her in dangerous situations.

-Jayson is a flat character

Although gallant, educated, and loving towards Hermione, we never see any side of him that reveals his fears or failures. No misgivings about coming to Hogwarts, never any feelings of annoyance toward his little "sister", never failure in a situation where he needs to succeed.

-The reader can only assume Jayson's fame at Hogwarts from his actions.

Many times after playing the hero Jayson finds himself in a crowd, although we only get Jayson's thoughts and we can only make assumptions from his actions. Perhaps an insight into the world of a normal Hogwarts student (Jayson or Hermione overhearing gossip, dialogue between members in the Griffindor potions tutoring class, Charlie Weasley's reaction (positive or negative) to his friend's fame etc.)

-the Jayson/Hermione relationship

As of now I cannot see this happening. Hermione still seems like too much of a baby and Jayson is still playing the defensive older brother.
This has nothing to do with the age difference...for the whole story we have seen J and H in this bond and I can not imagine actual romance between the two until Hermione grows up and Jayson stops playing the hero.

Story for the world's longest review, but I hope the suggestions help. I love this story and I can't wait for the next update!!!

Author's Response: Wow..the worlds longest review and it is all for me.

Jayson will have his share of failures coming soon. And Hermione is growing up fast.

Stay tuned for future updates.

Thanks for the review


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