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Review:xlivexlovexdreamx says:
I should probably log in to type this review... but I really couldn't be bothered. I like the idea of this story although it could do with work. Be not afraid, i'm not about to put you down... I think i'm too much of a softy to do such a thing. Some things I did pick up on though:
The story needs a bit more of a bacground story to it. It seems like I'm reading a novel from it's middle. Offcourse, this is what I hate most about one-shots... it seems to be so hard to add in all that detail. But remember a one-shot could be written in two parts so if you re-did it, you could lengthen it and add part 2 as another chapter to this story. It is still considered a one-shot. So yes, more background is needed.

Another thing: Detail seems to be lacking in it. Offcourse, if you take up the above advice of making another part or simply lengthen this current story, you'll be able to lengthen the story. Length is needed in the parts where she leaves him and goes to sleep and such. Add a bit more detail as it seems smack, out there. Like throwing a brick at someone unexpectedly... if that makes any sense. Lengthen it so the flow is better.

I do, however, love the ending - the use of her name in the last line. I think it keeps people thinking and just wraps it up. It's not much of a cliffhanger where people are hanging off their seats for more, Its more a subtle clue as to what happens next. That doesn't seem to make much sense either *cocks eyebrow at self*. Or maybe it's because it's past my bedtime. But contact me if I totally lost you. This story has potential and I'd love to see where you can take it.

Great start love ^_^

xx Rosette

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the critque!
It definitely gave me insight on how to improve my story and I'm definitely (oh man, do I use this word a lot of what?) considering rewriting the story if I have time (using your pointers). Thanks so much!


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