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Review:thegirllikeme says:
Right, keep in mind that, on my review thread, I warned you that I don't give a lot of sugary praise--I give constructive critisism. And please, don't be offendeded that I have a lot to give you.

The placement of the song is off. There should be more than one paragraph of story between this. Also, I'm not going to judge the song and how well it fits the story, because I've never heard it, and it wouldn't be fair if I did, but I did feel as though you placed too much weight on the song and too little on the story, instead of balancing them out. You need to work a bit more on that.

I also thought it was ironic that you said Ginny would argue just to keep from showing her feelings. I believe you've mistaken Ginny for Hermione. Ginny has no probelm showing her feelings. It's Hermione who always bickered with ron to keep from admitting she liked him. Characterization was off there.

There were quite a few grammar/puncuation mistakes in this.

I thought the beginning was fairly good at the start of it, to the point that there was good imagery. However, towards the end it just seemed that you were in a major hurry to just finish the story, to the point where it just all fell apart. You stopped writing. No matter how close you are to the end, no matter how badly you want this done, you can't just breeze through it. There's more to writing than telling a story. It's HOW you tell the story. It's about the description, the character development, the mood, and the emotion. This just didn't have a lot of that.

The ending, yeah, it wasn't really shocking for me, because while I was printing this off, I accidently glimpsed the line. But it would have been a shocking, sad ending if you had slowed down through the story and if it hadn't been so confusing. You say two caskets, but only one photograph. I'm assuming that the next casket is Ginny, but that's not certain. There is so much left unanswered. If she was the one who died, how did she die, why did she think it was Ron, and why is she able to see it? Is she a ghost, but no, then they could see her? Then HOW is she there? There's just too many questions, and that's NOT a good thing.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you or discourage you, but this story needs a lot of fine tuning. The best advice I can give is SLOW DOWN. Write the story, because there's more to writing than a story finished. It's the journey. I hope you can understand what I mean by that.

Keep writing and keep practicing--it's the best advice you can get in the art of writing.

Author's Response: First off-thank you for your honesty, seriously. I know a lot of people may think they want honesty but when it comes to it they decide that it's too harsh but I really appreciate you saying what you did. I do agree that I often rush and it's something I have to push past because I have ADD and it often makes it difficult for me to concentrate on some areas and it's hard for me to get out what I'm trying to say at times, but I can honestly say that HPFF has REALLY helped with this process and it's helped with my writing a lot. Thank you for your review and I'm going to try and re-write this:)

~LB


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