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Review:thegirllikeme says:
First off, that's an awesome first paragraph. Not only is it funny, eye-catching, and wellworded, but I know exactly how she feels. Everybody feels as though they've got mental every now and again--and what a wonderful universal emotion to start with. I love your diary/first person style of writing. Most of the time, I can't stand this style but the way you do it is perfect. I creates a wonderful mood and introduces your character amazingly well. I also like the character, because she's very original. Instead of doing the typical, so-sweet-your-teeth-rots, extremely likable girl, you chose someone who was popular and mean. I like it, because it just makes the whole thing more hilarious. This line Oh, this means war, Remus Lupin … this means war! was the best. Absolutely hilarious!!!

But then you went and changed the style of writing for no apparent reason. Changing the style from first person to third person for no apparent reason (because the story would have been a whole let better and original if had been continually told through the diary) brings the reader out of the story. I think you may have made a mistake there.

And Lily--you've got a characterization probelm with her. The whole idea of Lily being preppy and girly is just not true to my character. Yes, she was popular, but she was very levelheaded and more into what goes in the head than what goes on it (which is why I can't see her reading those teen magazines). She can stick up for herself, and I doubt she was girly. JK herself has said that Lily is a lot like Ginny, and Ginny's sort of a Tomboy. That's NOT the way Lily's protrayed in this--even though her habit of sarcasm is quite humorous. Just a few changes should get her to the right characterization.

There were a few typos, but nothing major.

Overall, the plot is great, and with just a few small corrections this should be a completely awesome story. Do update soon, alright, because I certainly want to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: I see your point with Lily - thank you for pointing that out. I think I was so focused on making sure that Jane's character came across right that the characterization of everyone else sort of got lost in the jumble.

This was an EXTREMELY helpful review. Seriously, I don't think I can thank you enough! Now I can go back over this chapter and have something to shoot for aside from fixing my minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Again, thank you! It deffinetly motivates me to get editing when I have something to shoot for :)

Thank you for the review! And despite my characterization problems, I'm glad you liked it. I'll also see how it works re-worded all in first person. *smiles*


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