Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:chd1026 says:
Hmmm so you switch to the first person in this one...I think that may be better for this story. Good decision!

I really like the opening paragraph. You describe Diagon Alley really quickly, with lots of periods, and it works very well because that is exactly how Robbie would have been experiencing it...Nice!

"It also made me mad to think that this entire time mom had never told me about this whole new world." When you use the words 'Mom' or 'Dad' as a opposed to their name they must be capitalized. But when you say 'my mom' or 'my dad' then they remain lowercase. So in the case above, you should either say, "...this entire time Mom had never told me ..." or "...this entire time my mom had never told me..."

Once again, I think you could benifit greatly from a good beta. They'll catch all the little errors that interrupt the mood of the story.

Also, when you are writing a new place that Ronnie is experiencing, try to think about how you could SHOW us what it's like, not just say that he was there. Descriptions add so much to a story.

Draco Malfoy...and LUNA? Wait...why? How did those two get together?! I hope you explain this soon...I'm dying to know =]

Ohh who was Malfoy's friend? The boys in their boat?
Overall this chapter was a HUGE improvement, and I look forward to reading your next chapter.
XXX

Author's Response: didnt notice the switch, i thought the first paragraph was 1st person too...anyway malfoy failed to mention his friend, as it says in that paragraph. you will hear a brief story on Malfoy sr. and luna later.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 432
Submit Report: