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Review:caryjanecarter says:
SEPARATE YOUR DIALOGUE PARAGRAPHS.

Okay, had to get that out. If you separate the dialogue according to the speaker, it helps the story flower faster and is easier to read. For example, here's your next-to-last paragraph -

“Then I walked in here and looked under the bed for the first year then I sat on the bed because I thought that she had left. Then you walked in and I learned that this was all a trap.” “I am going to get back at them so badly.” James said through clenched teeth. “Can we focus on getting out of here please. Then you and I can get revenge on them.” Lily said her temper rising. “Fine.” James said surprised that Lily wanted to help him get revenge on his mates and that Lily seemed to have realized that Sirius and Remus had set them up.

Here's your next-to-last paragraph indented by speaker -

“Then I walked in here and looked under the bed for the first year then I sat on the bed because I thought that she had left. Then you walked in and I learned that this was all a trap.”

“I am going to get back at them so badly.” James said through clenched teeth.

“Can we focus on getting out of here please. Then you and I can get revenge on them.” Lily said her temper rising.

“Fine.” James said surprised that Lily wanted to help him get revenge on his mates and that Lily seemed to have realized that Sirius and Remus had set them up.


Adds 'length' and makes it look nicer.

There were other things, but this review is already too long.

~ Caroline



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