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Review:pigwidgeon385 says:
Oh boy.
Well, I am really not a fan of OCs. They kind of make me hate the entire story. But, I stuck it out since I promised to review. :P
The listing thing you do in the beginning is not my favorite thing. It made me wonder if you really knew how to write! But then I saw the other paragraphs and was like, “Whew!”
Masquerade ball. Ick – very overdone. However, maybe you can pull it off. I have faith! Lol.
The” ~*~*~*~” (times a billion) thing can be a bit tiresome. Try a simple, “***.” We’ll get the point. And the giant spaces between paragraphs tends to become annoying. Just a simple space will do it.
Why would witches and wizard be dancing to muggle music? You could try to invent some cool titles, or take them from the book. Remember the Weasley’s radio and the Yule Ball?
The dresses sound beautiful! This little section got me a bit pumped for the story. Just be sure you don’t overdo descriptions. They can really be a plot killer.
“a Phantom of the Opera masks” This part really through me off. Maybe if she’s muggle born she’d describe it like that, but it really does suck you out of the HP universe. (Oh, and “masks” wouldn’t be plural.)
The lyrics of the song would look much better if you put them in italics or something. They look out of place and random with the “!!!.” But, omg, I love that song! Lol. The description of dance is really good, but the lyrics kind of chop up what should be a softer scene. If I were you I would take them out. Also, the kiss seems a little weird. Not many people I know would kiss after one dance. (Except if they’re very drunk…lol.)
And, that’s it! Yeah, that was horribly harsh, so please forgive me. It’s probably me just being evil to your OC since I hate them all so much. LOL.
Woah – too long! I think I’ll go read your second chapter and see what direction you take this in. Nice work!


Author's Response: haha thanks its fine
OCs are a bit weird for this book but yea
i wrote this story for a friend she wanted a ball so she got it haha
i see your point about muggle music
your probably right about the mask
when i posted this i was very unsure about the italic thing so
again the kiss is kind of part of the ball thing on HPFF so its there also cause it made sense for where i was going,
thank you!
i will also look for a beta
Gina


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