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On the Brink of Insanity by AlAndAl

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Format: Short story
Chapters: 11
Word Count: 16,919
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Mild Sexual Nature

Genres: Humor, Romance
Characters: Scorpius, Albus, James (II), Lily (II), Hugo, Rose, OC, OtherCanon
Pairings: OC/OC

First Published: 06/28/2012
Last Chapter: 08/24/2013
Last Updated: 08/24/2013

Summary:
Jaw-dropping banner by veeKAY @ tda!











It's not that I'm a freak or anything...

I'm just limited edition. 
 
 
 


Chapter 1: My Misplaced Cat Pen That's Really Not Misplaced
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"Yo! I'm Joe! I work in a button factory. I gotta dog and a job and a family. One day my boss said, 'Joe, are you busy?' and I said, 'No'. Push the button with your left butt cheek!" I sung on the top of my lungs.
 
Matt and Cameron glared at me. I had been making them play Button Factory for over an hour and at that point they looked like they were having full blown (hehehe full blown) seizures in the back seat of their small car.
 
Matt and Cameron were my best friend Robyn's younger twin brothers and ever since I met them 6 years ago, I had made it my goal to piss them off at much as possible. Hence the loud singing.
 
"Yo! I'm—"
 
"Yeah, we get it, 'Joe'," Robyn said from the front seat and I laughed at the relieved looks on the twins faces.
 
Robyn's mother was driving us to King's Cross Station where we could catch my favourite train in the world. The Hogwarts Express.
 
I loved Hogwarts more than my own family. It was awesome. I could run around singing "Ice, Ice Baby" without being judged. Actually that was a bunch of BS. I was always judged. One, because I was loud and disruptive and two, because I was brinking on insanity and no one likes the crazy girl.
 
The only person that is judged more than me is Penny Jane Willow, the school freak. She will enter a room yelling "Penny Jane Willow has entered" and then she will curtsey for effect. I think she hates me though, considering I tackled her down the Grand Staircase...twice. Once was because Libby Westin from Hufflepuff dared me and then second time was because I thought a cannonball was going to hit her, but it was just a fly.
 
"So, seventh year, ladies," Matt said. "What do you have planned?"
 
"Well, naïve Matt, I have something that's called Alicia's Geniusly Genius List of Shit to Do Before Graduation. AGGLOSODBG for short," I replied, grinning mischievously.
 
"Well, aren't you gonna tell me what's on it?"
 
"Not if you want me to scar your virgin ears."
 
"Like the word 'shit' didn't already scar them," Cameron retorted.
 
"CAMERON PIERRE SWANN! DON'T YOU USE THAT TYPE OF LANGUAGE IN MY AUTOMOBILE!" Mrs. Swann shrieked.
 
She jerked hard on the steering wheel and pulled into the parking lot at King's Cross.
 
"Goodbye you lot! Have a good time!" Mrs. Swann said waving.
 
"Goodbye, Mom!" her kids chorused.
 
"Thanks Mrs. Swann!" I said.
 
She nodded and pulled away from the curb, leaving is in front of the station.
 
We push our way through the crowds and finally found the barrier between platforms 9 and 10.
 
"But I don't like the barrier!" Cameron whined.
 
"You're 15, just get your ass through the fucking barrier before I kick you," Robyn yelled and Matt pushed his twin through the brick wall.
 
He saluted to us and strutted through. I decided to be oh-so-funny and sashayed through the barrier backwards. When I made it through I whipped around quickly and smashed right into somebody.
 
"AH!" the voice yelled.
 
I loomed down and saw that I had pushed over Albus Potter. Yes, that's right. His name must always be written in bold, italics and underline. Only his full name though, not Albus, Al, Potter or Captain Potter.
 
"Oh...uh..." I stammered and he smiled.
 
"Tough landing, hey?" he said.
 
"I—Er—yeah. I wasn't paying attention, sorry," I apologized.
 
"Yeah, that's fine. So what's your name?" he asked.
 
I panicked. My name? Did I have one? My mind went blank and I noticed Robyn waiting for me near the train.
 
"See ya!" I said unnecessarily loud and ran away.
 
Yep, I am the definition of smooth. I didn't turn around as he called after me.
 
"Is that Albus Potter?" Robyn asked.
 
"Yes! Now just go before he catches up!"
 
We hid in one of the compartments and I explained to Robyn what happened.
 
"And you ran away? From Albus Potter? You're such a nut!" she said waving her arms about.
 
"I panicked. I wasn't even sure that I had a name!"
 
She sighed and turned to the corridor. Her eyes widened.
 
"Uh...Alicia?"
 
"Mhm?"
 
"It's him and him!"
 
"Who?"
 
"Kerfy and Albus."
 
Kerfy was our Super Secret Code Name (SSCN) for Mike Hill, Robyn's one love, her one heart, her one light, for sure.
 
"Aw fuck. Go talk to him! I'm pretty sure that he likes you!"
 
"Only if you go."
 
"Albus thinks I'm a freak."
 
"You don't know that."
 
"You don't know that he doesn't!"
 
She rolled her eyes, "We're going! Now!"
 
She stood up and pushed me out of the compartment, causing my head to slam into Kerfy and Al's door.
 
The looked up and laughed as my head collided with the glass. I stood up, head pounding. Robyn was still sitting in the other compartment, laughing her ass off as the two boys stared at me. I pulled her out and knocked on the opposite compartments door. Al nodded and I walked in.
 
"Er...you okay?" Albus asked. I could tell from his voice that he was trying not to laugh.
 
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," I said and glared at him, he smiled.
 
"Hey, Robyn!" Mike said extra excitedly with a touch of love.
 
"Hey," she relied with the same amount of gushing enthusiasm.
 
"Awwwwww!" I said a little too loudly and a little too not inside my head.
 
The lovebirds didn't seem to notice, but Albus sure did. He looked at suspiciously and I tried not to make eye contact.
 
"What was that?" he said quietly in my ear. Shivers.
 
"I was gonna say, 'Awwwwwwwww man! I dropped my favourite cat pen on the hall, I better go fetch it!'." I said the last part loud enough for all of them to hear and I stood up and was ready to leave before I realized that Albus wasn't catching on. "Hey, Albus? Can you come help me?"
 
"Uh...sure," he followed me out into the hall. "So where did you last see it?"
 
I smacked his arm, "Ow! What was that for?"
 
"This isn't about a stupid at pen that meows when I write the word cat and dances when I meow, this is about Robyn and Mike! The lovebirds!" I whispered.
 
"OH! That makes sense!" he replied and I rolled my eyes.
 
"Now let's find another compartment," I pulled him down the hallway and into the last compartment on the train.
 
"So, what's your name anyway? You kind of ran off when I asked last time..." he asked.
 
"Alicia," I stuck my hand out. "Alicia Remington."
 
"I think I saw you at the Quidditch World Cup! You're a broomstick gymnast, right?"
 
I smiled, "Yeah, I finally went pro last summer."
 
Broomstick gymnastics was a sport where you performed flips, jumps and other gymnast-y stuff while midair on a broomstick. It was very difficult but I had finally made the International team last summer.
 
We chatted about my abilities for a while, but then it sunk in. I was talking to him! Him! Albus Potter! The one with gorgeous green eyes and nice muscles and hair! I began to have an inner panic attack and I told him that I had to go and I ran out of the compartment freaking out. Fuck! I was speaking to him with words! What is my issue? (Got an issue? Grab a tissue!) I can't even speak to him about my broomstick gymnastics without my brain imploding on itself! My life is horrible.
 
I went back to my original compartment and looked over. I saw Robyn and Mike holding hands...FINALLY! OH MY GOD THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE A YEAR AND TWO LIMES! I grinned at the newbie couple. At least life works for some people.

 


After hours of sitting by myself, the train lurched to a stop and I hurried off the train.

“Alicia!” Robyn called. “Did you have fun with Albus?”

She wiggled her eyebrows and smiled, waiting for an answer.

“Bad. Well it was good and then I realized, so it turned bad and I fled and you two were all ‘oooooh’ so I couldn’t and then I sat alone!”

There was a few seconds of silence….

“What? That made no sense. Calm down and explain.”

“Okay, so we were in the compartment and he recognized me from the International Broomstick Gymnastics Team, because we performed at the Quidditch World Cup and he asked me about that and we were talking fine and then my brain figured out that I was talking to the Albus Potter and I freaked out. He thinks I’m a creeper now. A creeper that likes falling a lot.”

“It’ll be okay! Hey! I’ve got an idea!”

“No! NO NO NO NO NO!” I said panicking.

Robyn’s ideas always ended with me in detention or in the hospital wing with a new growth shaped like Abe Lincoln. There was this one time that I was supposed to eat Penny Jane Willow’s sandwich and it turned out that James Potter, Albus’ older and creepier brother, had put a hex on it and I was orange for a week. And then Robyn tripped me down three flights of stairs. Nothing ever goes right for me.

“It’s okay. You can fly like a G6, right?”

“I guess I’m pretty beast.”

“Try out for Quidditch! Albus is captain this year and he knows how well you can fly! You’ll make it for sure!” she said, proud of her non-lethal plan.

“Maybe you should, too…”

“Hell no! Colton ‘Creepy Boy’ Shultz is captain and he’d just stalk me the whole time.”

“I forgot your stalker…how is he?” I asked.

“He’s good, trust me…he lets me know every single day.”

“Awwwww, Creepy Boy!”

Robyn smacked me across the head. That was my third injury today…so far. I sighed and looked up at the large school. I was gonna make this year count…and it would all start with Alicia’s Geniusly Genuis List of Shit to Do Before Graduation.
 


Chapter 2: I Am the Master of All Things Staring Related
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Here’s the thing about boyfriends. One, they’re boys, so they’re male. Two, they are somewhat like a friend, except more touching and invade personal bubbles. I’ve named my personal bubble Berta. She doesn’t let anybody in. I feel like Berta was a sumo wrestler in a past life or maybe one of those tough Russian women.





 

 

 

 

Anyways, Robyn’s boyfriend, Mike Kerfy Hill Cat, is like any other boyfriend. He’s nice and cool and OMG FRIENDS WITH GOD HIMSELF. Cough. Sorry. I had a little outburst there. Please ignore.





 

 

 

 

For a while, I didn’t really like the Ol’ Kerfbag, because he was a jerky jerk and I somewhat wished that his specific line of ancestry hadn’t evolved from the apes and just stay mindless monkeys who fling their poo and eat fleas. But, it’s ok, because I like him now and he definitely shouldn’t fling poo. That would be gross.





 

 

 

 

“Alicia! What are you doing?” Robyn asked. I happened to be lying under the table in the Slytherin common room. Why? Because it’s comfortable and it makes me feel like a Hobbit. Moo.





 

 

 

 

“I just happened to be admiring the craftsmanship of this lovely table. Did you know it was made by goblins?”





 

 

 

 

“I don’t care if it was made by Matt and Cameron while they were wearing a unitard, I have to go meet Mike, so don’t do anything…undesirable while I’m gone.”





 

 

 

 

“Undesirable? Can I start completing my list?”





 

 

 

 

Robyn coughed. I think she’d getting the swine flu. GET HER INTO QUARTANTINE NOW!





 

 

 

 

“Your list?! You finished it already? Let me see this!”





 

 

 

 

I pulled the list out of my satchel. That’s right, I own a satchel. It carries my whip and hat, just like Indiana Jones. He is such a badass.





 

 

 

 

Robyn burst out into hysterics. “This list is so…you! It’s not good enough!”





 

 

 

 

“Excuse me, woman?! Do you doubt my abilities? I am ALICIA PABLO VINCENZO ELIZABETH REMINGTON. HOW DARE YOU OPPOSE ME!”





 

 

 

 

 “Calm you’re jets. I just mean, this list would be good for me, because I don’t think raptoring down the hallway while singing Backstreet Boys songs is a good form of exercise. I’d be embarrassed to do that. But you, this is like your list of everyday activities. It’s not really a challenge.”





 

 

 

 

“A challenge?”





 

 

 

 

“Yeah. Something you’d be scared to do. Something that frightens you, make you nervous.”





 

 

 

 

“Ok, and what would that be? Doing the salsa on the table during dinnertime?”





 

 

 

 

“NO! You did that last night! Something like, get a date to Hogsmeade!”





 

 

 

 

I froze. I couldn’t get a date even if all the girls in the school died. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m a little weird and sadly, no one else is, so I have to raptor alone. It’s a lonely life, but it’s the one I choose.





 

 

 

 

Robyn continued, “Or act normal for a day. Or make a new friend. Or get a makeover.”





 

 

 

 

“Those sound rather terrible. I think I’ll stick to making whale noises in the hallway.” I said, shuffling nervously.





 

 

 

 

“Or actually try out for Quidditch.”





 

 

 

 

“I told you I was going to do that! That one doesn’t count!”





 

 

 

 

“Yeah, except you were lying your face off. You weren’t actually going to try out. But now you are. Those 5 things are Robyn’s List for Alicia So She Can Become Not Crazy. I’ll do your list, you do mine.”





 

 

 

 

I laughed, “My list has 50 things on it, and yours has 5. I don’t think this counts as a fair battle.”





 

 

 

 

“Trust me, you are going to have immense difficulty doing every single item on that list, so really, it’s a fair battle.”





 

 

 

 

I stared at her. Shit. She did have a point(y head). I shook her hand and sealed the deal. I was going to have the worst year of my life.





 

 

 

 

 





 

 

 

 

“COUNTRY GIRL, SHAKE IT FOR ME, GIRL. SHAKE IT FOR ME, GIRL. SHAKE IT FOR MEEEEE.” Robyn bellowed as we walked into Potions class.





 

 

 

 

She had already completed 4 items on my list. #37 Push someone into a wall and then yell “Watch where you’re going, sailor!” That ‘someone’ happened to be me. #21 Relive the Battle of Hogwarts through interpretive dance and whale noises. She performed for our Charms class, who thought it was “just a hoot!” #5 For one hour, whistle every time someone says “the”. Her lips got extremely chapped from that. I guess no kissing Mike today. Ha ha. #49 Sing a country song between class change loud enough for everyone to hear. Hence, the bad attempt at singing Country Girl.





 

 

 

 

I was a little jealous to be honest. Robyn was stealing my craziness. I was so excited to be wacky again and now, I had to be the normal one. This sucks.





 

 

 

 

This one day I tried to be normal, I was in third year. I got to my very last class without any “suspicious/unnecessary outbursts”, but then I noticed Emmett Davies from Ravenclaw eating a piece of licorice and that set me off. I had to do my licorice dance. It was a tradition. I got detention for “making students uncomfortable”. Who knew that hip swivels were such a big deal to thirteen year olds.





 

 

 

 

“So, class,” my ugly, old Potions teacher droned, “I have noticed that some partners have been a little too disruptive and distracting during brewing time. That’s why I have decided to reconsider who you brew with.”





 

 

 

 

“THIS IS BLASPHAMY!” I screeched and Professor Old Fucker shook his head.





 

 

 

 

“Please calm down, Miss Remington.”





 

 

 

 

“I WILL CALL THE DEMONS FROM THE UNDERWORLD TO EAT YOUR SOUL I SWEAR TO MERLIN’S PANTS!”





 

 

 

 

“I’m not giving into your tantrum today. Sit down before I glue you to your seat.”





 

 

 

 

“If you do, I’ll call rape.”





 

 

 

 

The class burst into laughter. I win this time Old Fucker. He rolled his eyes and began reading out the list. “Robyn Swann, Penny Jane Willow.” Sucker.





 

 

 

 

“Scorpius Malfoy, Dennis Bale.” Probably gay for each other.





 

 

 

 

“Megan Goyle, Justin Grossman.” Justin once told me that I had a weird shaped head. I told him that my demon clown friend did too. He know looks over his shoulder when he pees. Don’t ask me how I know that.





 

 

 

 

“Fredrick Fizzer, Natalie Avery.” Fred Fizzer. Love that name.





 

 

 

 

“Brandon Mills, bless his soul, Alicia Remington.”





 

 

 

 

“YAY NANNERS!” I yelled and Brandon smiled. We had been best friends since forever and he was one of the only guys who wasn’t scared of me. Yet.





 

 

 

 

Professor Old Fucker finished off the list and told us to partner up.





 

 

 

 

I better clear up that his name isn’t really Professor Old Fucker, I just forgot his name and it’s easier to call ‘em like I see ‘em than actually ask someone what his name was.





 

 

 

 

I took my seat next to Nanners. We began brewing our potion without any difficulty. Surprised? You are? Well, you’re a jerk, because I am actually smart and get Outstandings in all of my classes. Just because I’m a psychopath, doesn’t mean I don’t have the brains to support it.





 

 

 

 

“Mix that worm, cut that bean, this is the best potion that I have ever seen!” I sang. I find it easier to concentrate when I’m being loud at disruptive. That’s ironic.





 

 

 

 

“Now we just have to let it brew for an hour.” Nanners said as he covered the cauldron with a lid.





 

 

 

 

“An hour?! Of free time?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!”





 

 

 

 

“You’re crazy, Vivo.” He smiled and looked over at another table. Nanners has been calling me Vivo just as long as I’ve been calling him Nanners. I really have no idea where these nicknames came from, but I like them. But, that’s not important. What’s important is that Nanny Boy is looking at a girl. A female. That’s right. Someone of the opposite gender. HE’S GOT INNER STIRRINGS! OMGOMGOMG. NANNERS YOU SLY DOG.





 

 

 

 

“So, Nanners, who’s the gal?” I asked and he turned to me, blushing.





 

 

 

 

“What ‘gal’?”





 

 

 

 

“That girl you were staring at.”





 

 

 

 

“I wasn’t staring.”





 

 

 

 

“Yes, you were.”





 

 

 

 

“No, I wasn’t”





 

 

 

 

“YES YOU WERE.”





 

 

 

 

“NUH-UH!”





 

 

 

 

“NANNERS I KNOW WHAT STARING IS AND THAT WAS STARING.”





 

 

 

 

“OH REALLY? YOU’RE THE EXPERT ON STARING NOW?”





 

 

 

 

“YEAH, I STARE ALL THE TIME.”





 

 

 

 

“AT WHO?”





 

 

 

 

“NOT IMPORTANT NANNY BOY, WE’RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.”





 

 

 

 

“I WASN’T STARING.”





 

 

 

 

“AND MY NAME’S LOUISE AND I’M FROM ALABAMA AND I LIKE FOG HORNS AND PLAYING THE PICOLLO.”





 

 

 

 

“What?”





 

 

 

 

I looked away and noticed that everyone was staring at us. Not unusual for me, but everyone was surprised that Brandon had freaked out. That’s a sign. What kind of sign, you ask stupidly? Well, idiot, it’s a sign he likes Brunette Girl. I’ll find out whether Nanners wants me to or not. Brunette Girl, get ready to feel the wrath of ALICIA. Well, not the wrath per say, more like the extreme creepy stalkerness that is Vivo. She won’t even know that I’m following her. That’s right, I’m that good.





 

 

 

 

I think I’ve added a challenge to Robyn’s list. Find out who Brunette Girl is and get her doing the tango with Nanners. And by tango, I mean date, just to clear that up. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER YOU SICK PERV! OPERATION BG IS A GO.





 

 

 

 

 

 

 





 

 

 

 

 A/N: OH MY JONAS BROTHERS I HAVE NOT INTRODUCED MYSELF YET HOW RUDE! I'm Al and this story is dedicated to the love of my life...just kidding...to my best friend who has moved to the bowels of Narnia and who I never get to see! I owe her my first born and a glass of skim milk, but for now a crappily written fanfiction will have to do!





 

 

 

 

Please review if you like dolphins. Or if you have a face. That'd be lovely.





 

 

 

 

Also, I don't own anything including Harry Potter or anything you recognize. The song Robyn sings is Country Girl by Luke Bryan. I don't own the song or him. I own myself, though, it's pretty sweet.





 

 

 

 

Al xx





 

 

 

 

 





 

 

 

 

 





 

 

 

 

 

               


Chapter 3: Bush Crouching and Rude Crushes
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THROAT PUNCH. That’s what I want to do to Nanners right now. As sneaky and manipulative as I am, he’s sneakier and more manipulative. How he’s a Ravenclaw, I have no idea. Maybe the stupid sorting hat mistook cleverness for smarts.



 

 

I have spent two hours crouched in a prickly old bush, because I knew it was along his walking path, but today, he hasn’t walked by. Every day since first year he’s walked this exact path. EVERY FREAKING DAY. But I think he’s caught on to the fact I’m stalking Brunette Girl. I followed her around yesterday wearing a hat and moustache, but I forgot I was wearing it and followed her into the girl’s lavatory. Some firstie yelled “RAPE” and I got chased down the hall by a stampede of girls. I eventually hid in a broom closet and removed my disguise before nonchalantly strolling back down the hallway. I decided I needed to re-evaluate my plan before getting myself almost killed again. So, that’s why I thought this bush-hiding would be brilliant, but either Nanners has caught on to my sneaky stalking or he’s got distracted by something else. Great.



 

 

I noticed Brunette Girl walk by with a few of her friends. They seemed respectable. No whore-y slutbags. That’s a plus. As I stared at her, I felt someone tap my shoulder and I nearly shit a brick.



 

 

“HOLY SHIT YOU WANKER I’LL SLICE YOUR JUGULAR WITH AN ORANGE PEEL, GET AWAY!” I yelled and the person jumped back, startled by my outburst.



 

 

“Sorry!” they croaked out.



 

 

I turned to see the greenest of green eyes that I have ever seen. My stomach turned into a pretzel. Al. Bloody. Potter.



 

 

“Oh, sorry Al! I didn’t know it was you. You just scared me a little.”



 

 

He laughed, “Yeah, I’d say so. What are you doing spying on Lydia Franklin?”



 

 

“Who?”



 

 

“Lydia Franklin, the brunette girl, why were you looking at her?”



 

 

How the hell did he know I called her Brunette Girl? I only call her that in my head. Oi! Albus! Get the hell out of my head!



 

 

“I-er-wasn’t.”



 

 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you were.”



 

 

“Fine, you pushy prat, I’ll tell you. I think my friend has a crush on her, okay?!”



 

 

Albus stared at me and just shook his head, “Then why don’t you just go talk to her like a normal person?”



 

 

Talk? What’s that?



 

 

“Umm, spying is easier…I guess.”



 

 

“So, crouching in a bush is easier than actually going up to her and saying, ‘Hi, my friend likes you, wanna go with him to Hogsmeade?’”



 

 

I stared at him. Shit. Why did he have to be so intelligent.



 

 

“Shut up,” I said and he laughed.



 

 

“You really are a wonky girl, you know that, right?”



 

 

YES I KNOW THAT YOU STUPID SHIT. I’VE KNOWN THAT SINCE THE DAY I ESCAPED MY MOTHER’S WOMB.



 

 

“Obviously. You have seen the type of crap I do.”



 

 

“I’ve seen you tackle people down staircases! Mike tells me all the stuff you and Robyn come up with. I think it’s brilliant!”



 

 

I choked. OH MY GOD. AL THINKS I’M BRILLIANT. I THINK I MIGHT CRY. ALBUS POTTER THINKS THAT I AM FREAKING AWESOME. MY LIFE IS NOW COMPLETE.



 

 

As I had a mild panic attack, Brunette Girl AKA Lydia Franklin, spotted us huddled in a bush and began talking loudly.



 

 

“Oi! Is that Al Potter and that freaky girl in a bush together?! What a whore!”



 

 

Crowds of people turned to see me and Albus sitting in that stupid shit bush within close proximity of one another and of course because people have nothing better to do with their lives, I knew that the rumours were going to pour out. Albus turned to me and gave me this apologetic look and took off, leaving me sitting on the ground, alone.



 

 

 



 

 





 

 

“That idiotic prick did what?!” Robyn screeched and she kicked a twelve year old in the face. The kid started crying and ran off. I think Robyn needs to learn how to control her “anger reflexes” as she calls them.



 

 

“He just left me sitting in the bush. No big deal, really. He probably had to go do homework or something.” I explained and Robyn rolled her eyes.



 

 

“IT IS A BIG DEAL. HE’S AN ASSHOLE.”



 

 

I looked at Mike who was sitting near us uncomfortably and he just shrugged. What does a shrug mean? You don’t know? You don’t want to say? Your mother is a giant cactus who enjoys preying on underage leprechauns? WHAT?



 

 

“He was probably just uncomfortable about the situation, Robyn,” Mike said and she shot him a look of pure death.



 

 

“Would you have done that?!” she bellowed.



 

 

“I-er-no, of course not.”



 

 

I giggled as Mike flailed under the glare of my best friend. Flailed. I love that word. It reminds me of a fish jumping out of a pond and slapping someone in the face. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. That just gave me a funny mental picture. Fish. Slapping. Face. HAHAHAHA. Cough. Sorry, I’ll stop now.



 

 

“And the worst part is that Nanners has a crush on a stupid lying rumour bitch face slut cat joey applesauce monkey yodeler.” I said and Robyn stopped her yelling.



 

 

“A what?”



 

 

“A stupid lying bitch face slut cat jo—“



 

 

“I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, DUMMY. Nanners likes her?”



 

 

Crap. That was probably supposed to be a secret.



 

 

“HAHAHA NO! Where’d you get that from? Pft. Haha. Jeez. No!” I began to splutter.



 

 

She stared.



 

 

“Why would you think? You? Robyn? NO! He’s Nan. She’s not like. Ravage. Sausages.” I spluttered some more.



 

 

Her glare worsened.



 

 

“Lydia? Brunette? NAW! Not the Nan. Fish cakes! Ridiculous floppy fish cakes! Rage filling! That’s what that is! RAGE!” My sputtering continued.



 

 

“ALICIA!” she warned and I broke.



 

 

“Isawhimstaringatherinpotionsandthat’swhyIwasinabush.”



 

 

Robyn stopped, dropped, and rolled. Just kidding. But she did burst into a hysterical laughter. A maniacal laughter. A raging, over the top, possessed by demons laughter.



 

 

Mike cut in, “Maybe you just think you saw him staring. Maybe it was a casual glance.”



 

 

“You’re a casual glance!” I retorted.



 

 

“Uh, good one? No seriously, maybe you should actually ask him about it before jumping to conclusions and frolicking in bushes.”



 

 

Maybe Kerf wasn’t a dumb shitter. I’m glad that he evolved from the apes. I really am.



 

 

 



 

 





 

 

After Robyn calmed down and we gave her a protein shake, I decided to talk to Nanners. Really. Talk. I know, I know. It’s surprising that I don’t make up some crazy plan that lands me in a bush looking like a tool while Lydia Franklin thinks I’m seducing Albus Potter. Not this time. I’m going to be a natural human being and chat.



 

 

“Nanners!” I called out and he spun around like a ballerina. Just kidding…maybe.



 

 

“Hey, Vivo, what’s up?”



 

 

I decided just to spit it out. Do it quick. Like ripping off a band-aid of death.



 

 

“DO YOU LIKE LYDIA FRANKLIN?!”



 

 

“Whoa, calm down, Vivo. Where’d you get that from?”



 

 

“You looked at her in potions.”



 

 

“I looked at her? Well, probably! I look at everyone.”



 

 

“But you lingered!”



 

 

“There was no lingering, you nut! I literally looked at her for one millisecond and you spazzed out! I don’t like her, I think she’s is rude and looks like Rosie O’Donnell.”



 

 

LOL! That’s so true! Oh, Nanny Boy, why would I ever think you liked her? Oh right, because I jump on the conclusion train faster than you can say “velociraptors on crack”. Silly me.



 

 

“Oh, sorry! I just—“



 

 

“You sat in a bush all day didn’t you?” he said laughing. I HATE HOW HE KNOWS ME SO WELL!



 

 

“Pfft…no—yeah.”



 

 

He giggled like a little schoolgirl and hugged me. It’s relieving to know that some things will never change.



 

 

 



 

A/N: Hello my dears! I want to thank LittleLionGirl, AlbusPotter123456789123456789, and Lexi Black for reviewing in general and on top of that leaving the best reviews I've ever seen in my life! I want to thank you and dedicate this chapter to you guys for motivating me so much! It's reviews like these that keep me writing this psycho story. LOVE YOU GUYS TONS!

Al xx
 

 
 


Chapter 4: Ben Is Cute and I Am Dumb
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Apparently I have admirers. WHAT. Yeah, that’s what I said. I didn’t realize that in all of my nonsense there were actual males besides Nanners that actually weren’t scared of me. I didn’t realize making mating calls while walking to transfiguration would actually work, but FUCK it sure did!

His name is Ben. He’s a Ravenclaw. Wears nerdy glasses, but is cute anyway. Super smart, almost is smart as me, wink wink nudge nudge. WHY AREN’T YOU WINKING?! Good. Never disobey me again or I swear to the Pants of Dumbledore I will set my fire-y wrath on your saggy behind! CURSES.

But, anyway, I was proud to know that not everyone thought I was mental. We even had a conversation. Haha. For real. It was fantastic in its own sort…kind of. It went a little something like this. CUE SCRIPT!

Alicia, super-hot model, enters scene.

Ben, nerdy-boy who has sassy pants enters scene.

Ben: Hi, you’re Alicia, right?

Alicia: Yepperoni, I sure am.

Ben: That was really funny what you did in Charms today. It made me laugh.

Alicia: You mean how I jumped on top of the desk and yelled ‘YOU WON’T FOOL ME THIS TIME PROFESSOR, I KNOW THAT FALCONS CAN’T SWIM’?

Ben: Precisely. You’re quite the character. I’ve been in a few of your classes and I must say, you make learning about silent charms much more entertaining than usual.

Alicia: Yeah, well I’ve had years of practice. My best friend has two younger brothers and that’s how I entertain them on car trips. They absolutely hate it, but it gets me through eight hours of driving.

Ben laughs. It’s pretty attractive.

Ben: So, you like annoying people then?

Alicia: No, I just like being myself.

Ben: That’s an admirable quality.

Alicia: Are you complimenting me?

Ben: Well, I wasn’t complimenting the wall now, was I?

Alicia: You’re one sassy fellow.

Ben: Thanks.

Alicia: So, what class do you have next?

Ben: A spare.

Alicia: I have potions.

Ben: No, I’m pretty sure you have a spare too.

Alicia: No, I’m pretty sure you’re mistaken.

Ben: Not if you skip and hang out with me.

Alicia: Is that an invitation?

Ben: Only if you accept it.

Alicia: …

Ben: So, is that a yes?

Alicia: I have to go.

Ben: But—

Alicia exits scene nervously and awkwardly.

Ben stands dumbfounded.

Alicia is stupid.

So, that’s basically how I screwed up my one chance of getting over the fact that Albus hates me, because I “tried to seduce him in a bush”. Notice how that’s in quotes. That means it NEVER BLOODY HAPPENED. Ben’s cool and I like him, but that’s the thing, when I like someone I become this nervous wreck. So, now, Ben thinks I’m a total wanker/freak/celery farmer. Yeah. Celery. Those who can’t farm, farm celery.

Now, I’m in potions, regretting my stupid actions while Nanners makes the stupid potion while Lydia gives me a stupid smirk that makes her look stupid. Can you tell that I’m angry? YOU CAN’T? Well, you’re a bloody idiot so I expected as much. Just kidding, I really do love you, but in a sibling way. Don’t get any ideas, you can look, but you can’t touch, you perv.

 

 

 

 

 


I haven’t told Robyn about Ben. She’ll over-react and cause Ben to hate me even more. Maybe he won’t, though. Maybe he’s one of those persistent blokes who just keeps on trying until you marry someone or you die, whichever comes first. I can only hope.

 






After school ended and my brain stopped being a cactus, I decided to hang out in the library with Robyn and Ol Kerfbag the Third. It was going completely fine until Robyn decided to pop the question.

“So, how’s the list going?” Robyn asked.

“Just swell. Perfectly swell. The swellest it could ever be.” I answered.

“You do realize swellest isn’t a word, right?” Kerfy said. Shut up, you stupid know-it-all hoe.

“She knows, Mike, she’s just lying to us, that’s all.” All-Knowing Robyn Goddess of the Underworld said.

“I’M NOT LYING. IT’S GOING FINE. PERFECTLY. AMAZINGLY. I’VE MADE SUBSTANTIAL PROGRESS AND I’M GOING TO RUB IT IN YOUR FACE. YEAH. I WILL. NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM PREVAILING. NOT ALBUS BLOODY STUPID ASS POTTER, NOT LYDIA SHITHEAD FRANKLIN AND DEFINITLY NOT CUTE NERDY BEN WHO I SCARED OFF WITH MY FREAKINESS AND CHARM.”

“Whoa whoa whoa. Ben? Who’s that.”

I blew my cover. Crap. Time to start executing plan Escape-The-Country-And-Become-A-Travelling-Broomstick-Repairwoman. I’ll pack me bags, you get me a flight to Russia.

“Ben? Who’s that? I never said Ben. Not once. That name isn’t cute, it’s lame. Trust me, no Ben here.” I muttered. I’m so good at lying. Damn.

Kerfy decided, once again, to butt his stupid know-it-all brain into our conversation, “I don’t know you that well, Alicia, but even I know that when you are lying you splutter out nonsense like a hobo on heroin.”

“ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF DOING DRUGS?! I WANT A LAWYER!”

“Shut up, Alicia! Just tell me about Ben.” Robyn demanded. Shit. I have to give in to her ‘demand voice’. It’s quite influential, actually. Like the imperious curse, it controls you and you pretty much have to obey. I tried to defy her once and ended up turned into a mountain lion and dropped into a fifty-foot pit. Trust me, mountain lions hate being put in pits. It messes up their love life.

I decided to avoid the pit incident again and told her all about my great, but sadly, awkward conversation with mysterious Ravenclaw Ben. Robyn did this squeal thing that made a first year pee his pants. It was fucking hilarious. I almost cried and he ran away screaming “MY PAAAAAAANTS DON’T LOOOOOOK DON’T LOOOOOOK!” Oh, god, what would I do without these youngins?

“Awwwwww! Alicia! That’s amazing!”

“I told him I had to go and then walked away. How is that even remotely a good thing?”

“He’ll come back! Ravenclaw’s are smart.”

“Ravenclaws are practically birds, they’re idiots! He’ll run away and tell his little flock of Ravenclaws friends how freaky I am and they regurgitate their meal onto me like I’m their little baby.”

“Um, ew! No! You mark my word, sister, he’ll attempt what I like to call ‘Round 2’. MARK MY WORD.”

Oh, I’m marking them alright, with doubt, idiocy, and utter failure.

Last time I was told to ‘mark her word’, I got punched by a buff guy, got my nose broken, fixed it, got it broken again by a sassy bitch, got it fixed, spilt coffee on my pants, realized I have forgot to wear pants that day, got embarrassed, drank orange juice, puked on Harold Samuels, got detention for not wearing pants, ate a sandwich, and finally, got hit on the head with a broomstick. Yeah, I’ll mark them all right, Robyn, I’ll mark them.

 

A/N: I’d like to say that I don’t own the quote “Those who can’t farm, farm celery.” It’s belongs to the writers of The Office and is said by the character Dwight Schrute. I just thought it was really funny, random and very Alicia, so I threw it in for kicks.

Also, I'd like to say that on this day, July 27 2012, I have reached 230 reads! WHAAAAT?! Seriously, when I put this story up I expected like 2 reads, so thank you for reading!!!! I'd appreciate it if you guys chucked me a review, also! Even if it has some constructive criticism, I'd love it!

Ok, I promise I'll shut up soon, just one more thing!! I've created  a Meet the Author thingy on the forums, so if you have any questions, send them to me on there!



Al xx
 
 
 
 
 


Chapter 5: That Sport Thing Called Quidditch
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A few weeks passed and nothing spectacular happened, Kerfy tried to seduce Robyn a lot which was gross, Robyn completed a few things on her list like #22 Pet the Whomping Willow, #33 Create a cardboard cut-out of Voldemort and walk around the school with it and pretend he’s your lover and #11 Owl. Yeah, I’m not really sure what’s up with #11…it literally just says “Owl” so I guess it’s up to her interpretation. She sat outside the Hufflepuff common room going ‘whooooooo whoooooooo’ for half an hour and a creepy guy asked her out. I didn’t know that owls where so erotic. She was pretty scarred from that whole experience, so I gave her the point.





 

 

In between her list-completion, she gives me these ‘talks’. They are really random and weird, but most of the time the moral of the story is “Ben is a nice guy, you should un-awkward yourself”. I guess that’s better than her usual morals like, “Never eat pudding if it’s green”, “Not all guys with beards store their socks in them” or “Don’t sit next to Pinto on the bus”, but it’s getting pretty annoying. She’ll pull me out of a group of people that I’m creeping out and will give me these lectures. DAMN WOMAN! CAN’T YOU TELL THAT I’M GETTING MY CREEP ON?!





 

 


Sigh. Life is not what it used to be. Quidditch tryouts are soon though. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yeah, I have to do those. Considering I have never played Quidditch in my life, that could be a little problematic, but Quidditch is mainly flying right? Like 91.6438976% of it is flying? Right? RIGHT?!





 





 

 

WRONG.                             





 

 

“These Quidditch trials are not to be looked at as an easy task. This is not just a game, this is war, and I need my best soldiers playing the first line!” Albus yelled as we all huddled outside in the bloody coldest weather in history. If I didn’t love Albus so much and have such a high competitive level against Robyn, I wouldn’t be here. Sigh. Those green eyes hypnotize me. SNAP OUT OF IT SISTER THIS IS WAR, REMEMBER?! “I want every single player here to give their absolute best! I don’t care if you have one arm or can’t see out of both eyes, I want you to DOMINATE that field with the passion of a million men!”





 

 

I could hear the group muttering amongst themselves. “What a psycho.” “This is motivating.” “I should’ve peed before I got out here.” “What’s Quidditch?”





 

 

“Alright you stupid shits!” the co-captain, Thalia McIver shouted. “I will call off the different positions and if you’re dumb brain thinks you can handle the ridiculous task of carrying this team on your shoulders by playing that certain position, then you will stand to where I point! Got it idiots?!”





 

 

Jeez, this woman sounds like my brain when I’m calling Kerf and idiot or telling you dumbasses to follow my commands. You should learn by now. Thalia began yelling “Keeper!” and then I realized that I had no fucking clue what I was going to try out for. SHIT SHIT SHIT. Ummm….whatever she calls next! That’ll do it!





 

 

“Seeker!” she yelled. FML. Seeker is the most important position, if you didn’t know, and I am the most unreliable person in the universe. This’ll end good.





 

 

I stomped over to where her freakishly long finger was pointing. Legit. That thing is like ET trying to find his way home.





 

 

As the rest of the extremely buff looking Slytherins found their way to their allotted groups, I realized that there was only one other person trying out for Seeker. Seth McCall. Damn. That kid was one of the best flyers in the entire school. Not to mention he was hotter than a cat on fire. And that, my friends, is quite hot indeed.





 

 

“Good luck there, Remington,” Seth said and held out his hand for me to shake. I am socially retarded so I just stared at it awkwardly and he gave me a weird look. Nothing new. “Well, I guess you don’t have to wish me good luck, if that’s how you roll.”





 

 

“Er…sorry. Break a leg.” I replied half-heartedly. I really wanted him to break a leg, just so I wouldn’t have any serious competition. PLEASE MERLIN, SNAP HIS LEG LIKE A TWIG.





 

 

The trials went on for a half hour before Albus called the Seekers out to the pitch. As I mounted my broom and flew over to the (amazing, glorious, stupid, crazy, beautiful) captain, I heard someone cheering from the stands.





 

 

“YEAH ALICIA!!”





 

 

At first I thought it was Nanners, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was, but who it actually was surprised me immensely. It was Ben. The kid I blew off because I got the ‘special’ genes in the family. The kid I ran away from. The kid that actually took interest in my psychotic mind. Why would he come to watch me embarrass myself? Either he’s really cool and shit doesn’t faze him, brothaaaa, or he’s mad that I was a twat face and has showed up to see me fail. Craplife.





 

 

Albus called over with a look of awkwardness and creepiness, which made me feel a little proud, because MAYBE I’M RUBBING OFF ON PEOPLE. I’m not sure if that’s good though. Can you imagine an army of Alicias just running around causing havoc and creating anarchy? Throwing melons at old people and constructing flash mobs to confuse the shit out of everyone. We would dance to Justin Bieber’s “Baby”. I may or may not love him. OK I DO A LOT. ALMOST AS MUCH AS ALBUS POTTER. Don’t judge me, haters.





 

 

“Ok, I’m going to release the snitch and you two are going to battle to the death. HAHAHAHA. Ok, GO!” Albus shouted.





 

 

Before I could even react, Seth blasted off after the golden sphere and Albus gave me this sadistic smirk. EVIL.





 

 

I took off after Seth, but soon realized that he had lost sight of it and was very confused. I decided to look high up, because the snitch was always rude and hid high up where no one could find it. Or it hid in the pants of Scorpius Malfoy. Don’t ask…that was a disturbing experience. Let’s just say, Marie Fletcher had to reach in unspeakable places. She needed psychological help after that. I don’t blame her.





 

 


I flew around the sky for a while, until I finally saw a glimmer of gold near the south east corner. I began to enter a soft dive, but Seth saw me and took off in the same direction. I knew that he was going to beat me at that rate, so I steepened the angle and was almost going straight down. The ground was nearing quickly, but I still had a good eye on the snitch, and at that point, Seth probably did too. I reached out at snatched it midair, just a metre before hitting the ground and pulled up quickly on the end of my broom. That was probably the best dive I had ever completed, even in my vigorous training for broomstick gymnastics, I had never been able to complete such a steep and dangerous maneuver. I looked up to our Gracious Captain who gave me a thumbs up. I think I had just made Slytherin Seeker. FUCK YES.





 





 

 

“So, practices will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:00 AM.” The whole team groaned. “Yeah, yeah, it’s early, but that’s when I decided to hold them, so shut your traps!”





 

 

Al handed out our jerseys and dismissed us. He’s like a bloody teacher. ‘Do this’. ‘Do that’. ‘You’re a little shit’. We should start calling him Professor Potter. Or Professor Sexy Face. Either one.





 

 

I exited the pitch smiling like an idiot. Who knew that Quidditch was so fun? I’ve watched every game that Slytherin has hosted, but that was mostly to watch Albus play, so I never thought of actually being on the team. It was exhilarating! The wind through your hair, the smell of grass, the piercing screams of Thalia McIver. Oh, such fun! I couldn’t wait to tell Robyn. SHE’LL BE SO PROUD OF HER BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE. Plus, she’ll like that I’ve distracted her from that essay that Professor Old Fucker gave us. I finished it a week ago, but she’s a procrastinator, so since it’s due tomorrow, she’s rushing to finish it.





 

 

“Hey, Alicia!” I heard someone call my name. Well, I’m pretty sure my name’s Alicia. That’s what I was told at birth, at least. I turned around to see Ben smiling at me.





 

 

“Oh, hey!” I replied. Smooth.





 

 

“You were amazing out there! You really deserved to make Seeker!”





 

 

I smiled, “Thanks, Ben. You should come to our first game! It’s on October 7th.”





 

 

Did I just say something not stupid? Wow. Maybe I’m dreaming. Once I had a dream that I was dreaming. It mindfucked me for days.





 

 

“Yeah, definitely! It’s against Gryffindor, right?”





 

 

“Hell yes! You’ll be cheering on Slytherin, won’t you?”





 

 

“For sure, and maybe when you win, I can take you on a date?”





 

 

HOLY POOP DID THAT JUST HAPPEN. OMG. OMG. OMG. WHAT?! Ok. Calm down. It’s Ben. Say yes. Say something cool. Something smooth. Quick, answer him before he thinks you’re weird!





 

 

“Shut up, brain,” I muttered.





 

 

“What?” he said, confused. I fucking said that out loud?! What is wrong with me?





 

 

“Oh, that was supposed to stay in my head, sorry.”





 

 

He laughed, “No problem. So what do you say?”





 

 

“It’s a date.”





 

 

OMG I HAVE A DATE. With a boy!! My mom was getting concerned, she’ll be so happy that she’ll marry a horse. LOLOL ok, hopefully not, but still…PRIDE.





 

 

I, Alicia Remington, have a date with a real life boy.





 

 

 





 

 

A/N: So this is up way sooner than I expected. I dropped one of my challenges so I have more time to get this nonsense validated! I do have a new story up. Another Next Gen. Please go look at it and tell me how much you love it or how much you wish it would burn in a horrific fire. Either one.





 

 

Thank you so much for reading, once again, and please chuck me a review, sailor!





 

 

Cap'n Al xx




 

 




 

 




 
 


Chapter 6: Overreactions Cause Stupid Fights
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“A DATE?! I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO!” Robyn screeched like a bat. Literally, like bat. She’s a wannabe, though, everyone knows that I’m the one who’s Batman and she’s obviously Robin. HAHA get it? Because her name’s actually Robyn? HAHAHA oh man.

                “Calm down, woman! It’s just a little get together. No tomfoolery will occur,” I said, but the look on her face told me that she didn’t quite agree.

                “You better kiss his face!”

                “Excuse me?!”

                “You heard me, there will be lip to face contact or else!” her eyes became wide and creepy. She began staring me down as I forced myself to nod. She really was one psychotic lady sometimes…cough…all the time.

                I looked over to where Kerf was sitting. Robyn’s intimidations usually played out like this. Kerfy would usually just sit there looking quite scared himself, while just giving me this look that clearly read ‘don’t leave me alone with her’. At least this time he was eating pie, cherry to be specific. Now that I think about it, why the fuckity fuck didn’t he bring me pie?! What kind of rude gesture was that?! Aren’t gentlemen callers supposed to try and win over the friends too? I definitely don’t approve.

                Robyn began her rant on how an opportunity like this only comes around once every seven moons and how if I don’t want to die alone with ninety cats that I should take this date a little more seriously. I wasn’t aware that one date was going to dictate whether or not I will become an old maid. It sure didn’t matter to Lydia Franklin and all the other slooty sloots that have different dates every 3 days. Kerf continued to eat his pie. Stupid little shit.

                “Fine! Can I at least go to dinner? We’ve been in this closet for two hours now and I think the Kerfinator is getting some claustrophobia anxiety.” I asked. Oh, I didn’t mention that we’ve been held hostage in a closet? Yeah, that’s what happens when you tell your best friend that a nerdy Ravenclaw asks you out. That hasn’t happened to you? Oh, well then you obviously suck.

                Robyn looked over at her boyfriend how was now nervously licking the plate, “He’s fine! He’s just eating pie! Let’s focus on you! What are you planning on wearing?”

                I looked at her nervously, “Umm…pants?”

                “I meant specifically!”

                “Pants with two leg holes.”

                “ALICIA!”

                “Maybe with some belt loops and a zipper.”

                “STOP FOOLING AROUND I’M DEAD SERIOUS!”

                “That’s rude, Robyn, Sirius Black was a noble man.”

                That’s when I saw The Twitch. Her eye did this maniacal twitch that would scare a sociopathic killer. She snapped. I think my jokes were a bit too much. This happens every once in a while when I get a bit too wonky and she gets a bit too fed up with my stupidness.

                She breathed solidly and looked me straight in the eye. That’s right, eye. I’m a Cyclopes, “I think Mike needs to work on some homework, right darling?”

                Kerf looked up from his pie eating and saw The Twitch. He hurriedly stood up and grabbed her hand. If she wasn’t so mentally unstable I would’ve said “AWWWW”, but considering her malevolent gaze, I made an educated guess that it wouldn’t be a great idea.

 


                They exited the broom closet and Kerf mouthed, ‘sorry’. Perfect, another angry rage. Just what I needed.

 


 

                If you have grown up with only one close friend and a whole lot of people that are scared of you, then you know what it feels like when your close friend is quite angry with you and has forbade her boyfriend from even offering you a chicken wing at dinner time. She assumed that chicken wing was code for something. It was literally just a chicken wing. It was honey garlic. She does have a solid grudge against honey garlic though, please don’t ask why.

                I’ve spent the last three days playing nonstop Quidditch and doing homework by myself in the library with all the creepy freaks, it feels like home. Albus Potter has really been talking to me a lot lately, I think he feels sorry for me. Everyone knows about me and Robyn’s fight. She basically announced to the entire student body. Sigh. This is going to be a long argument.

                As I did my potions essay in the library, Al decided to come and sit with me.       

                “Hey, Remington,” he greeted.

                “You do realize that you can call me Alicia, that is my given name,” I replied and he chuckled. Even though I’ve become much more chill around the godly Albus, I still get those inner crazy spaz moments. I MADE HIM LAUGH OMGOMG.

                “Ok, Alicia, how’s your essay going?”

                “Fantastic, Sir Albus the Great,” I responded. LOL Did I really just say that? Good. I aim to be weird quite a bit, it just keeps people guessing.

                “Sir Albus the Great? I didn’t realize I was knighted.”

                I looked up to see him smiling cheekily. If he wasn’t so beautiful I would probably call him annoying.

                “Well, I’ve knighted you in my head, so you’re going to be knighted and stay there!”

                “Aye aye, cap’n!” he said while saluting.

                “I’m a pirate now?”

                “Well, I’ve made you a pirate in my head, so you’re going to swab decks and stay there!” he copied my previous statement while giggling. Are you serious? Albus Potter giggles? What a sissy! But, a gorgeous sissy, don’t get me wrong!

                “Shouldn’t I be calling you cap’n? Since you act like a bloody slave driver out on the pitch?”

                “I am not a slave driver! I just want my players at their top peak! It’s simply reasonable.”

                I rolled my eyes and returned to my essay. I tried to ignore him, but his rippling muscles were really quite distracting. Flex. Flex. Flex. Damn you, biceps!

                “Staring at my ripped body, are you?” he taunted and I quickly denied.

                “Pfft, no! Of course not!”

                “I think you were!”

                “Oh, really? And why would you think that?”

                “Because you just muttered ‘flex, flex, flex’ and smiled creepily.”

                THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY HEAD, MOUTH! WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS FAIL ME! I WANT A NEW MOUTH THAT’S NOT A GIANT JERK-FACE!

                “Why would I be looking at you, I’m already practically dating someone!” I retorted and as soon as it came out of my stupid, messed up, mouth, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.

                “WHO?!” he blurted out spastically.

                “Uhh…Ben.”

                “Ben, who?”

                I realized at that point that I didn’t even know his last name, “Ben…Ravenclaw.”

                Luckily, Al knew who I was talking about and nodded, “Oh.”

                The look on his face really confused me. It wasn’t a happy look, it was almost sad, disappointed even. I thought that he’d bug me more, even chant “Ben and Alicia sitting in a tree” or something. He just sat there staring at me. His eyes were empty, like a hole. The look alone made me absolutely fall apart. Why was he so upset? It was just me. No one special. Unless he likes me. No. NONONO. He is Al Potter, Quidditch Extraordinaire and I am Alicia Remington, Weirdo Extraordinaire. I have nothing really impressive to offer. I do have one talent, though. I can do a really awesome Smeagol impression. WHERE’S THE PRECIOUS HOBBITSES?! See, that was uncanny. Oh, Middle Earth, why can’t you be real?

                He didn’t really speak for the rest of the time we spent in there. I made a little small talk about Quidditch, but the whole dating thing was dropped. I wasn’t even mad that he ditched me in a bush, anymore. I was never really that mad, mostly because I am head over heels in love with him. That’s besides the point, something was bugging him and I feel like I’m the source. Maybe he’s actually in love with Ben and I’m stealing his man? Oh, Merlin, that’d be so unfortunate. Whatever it is, I hope I can solve it before the match against Gryffindor. Sigh. Why must life suck the wien so much?

 A/N: LOVELIES! I would just like to say that I am not cool and I do not own Batman, Robin, Middle Earth, Smeagol, or Hobbits. They belong to their original creators. I am just a fan.

Secondly, I'd like to thank LittleLionGirl for not only loyally reviewing every chapter of this story, but every chapter of all my other stories. You are so kind and you keep me going! Thanks so much!

I love all my readers, 500+ reads already! You guys are better than aged cheddar and that is pretty good indeed.

Cap'n Al, Sailor of the Sea of Nerds
 


Chapter 7: To Kerf and Beyond
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                Ever since that fight with Robyn, things have just gone downhill for me. At first it was all right, because I had Albus keeping me company (which was absolutely swoon worthy), but after that awkward night in the library, things haven’t been so peachy. During Quidditch practice last week, Albus made me run laps like some sort of chump because I sneezed. Apparently I could infect the whole team with herpes or something… I didn’t really ask how that was possible. It was easy to tell that he wasn’t in a good mood and I wasn’t going to push my luck by questioning his STD accusation.

 


                On the up side, Robyn and Kerf are fighting. I know I said that I liked him and all, but I lied. I actually hate Kerf, always have, and now that they are in a slight disagreement (and by that I mean Robyn threw a potato salad at his head) I am simply overcome with delight. We’ll see how long this lasts… hopefully forever. MUAHAHAHAHA I’m evil.

 


                I was sitting in the common room when she first approached me, looking sheepish and upset. I ignored her with all my willpower, but thankfully, the silence didn’t last long and she began her apologetic monologue.

                “Alicia, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you or yell at you I just got frustrated and then Kerf was eating that pie and you got so jealous and I just couldn’t help myself when you made that Sirius Black joke so I snapped, but don’t think I don’t love you. I do! So much! Almost as much as you love Al and nothing will ever change that, okay?” she spoke so fast that I could barely make out any words. Before I could open my mouth, I heard someone behind me.

                It was Ben. He had a look of disappointment across his face. I was confused as to why he was here, in the Slytherin common room, but before I could ask, he started to speak.

                “You love Al?” his voice was quiet, almost hurt.

                My inner panic mode initiated and I started to get hot. NO NO NO NO NO! HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO FIND THAT OUT! EVER! THE ONLY ONE TO EVER KNOW IS ROBYN AND SHE JUST SAID IT OUT LOUD AND NOW I’M DEAD. DEAD I TELL YOU. LIKE THE SAILORS ON DAVY JONES’ SHIP, EXCEPT WITHOUT THE TENTACLE FACE.

                “No, Ben, that’s not what I meant,” Robyn said, but he didn’t seem to buy it.

                “Don’t lie to me, I know what you meant by it. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth before I asked you out?! Why did you string me along?! I thought you were being genuine!”

                “Ben, please!” I cried, “I did mean it! Every word! I really wanted to go on a date with you! I wanted to more than anything, even more than I wanted to dive into a tub of chocolate pudding!”

                Robyn gasped, “More than the pudding?!”

                I nodded, thinking my argument was pretty solid, considering the pudding tub was number one on my bucket list of life, but I don’t think Ben saw it in the same light.

                “You think this is a joke! I really cared about you and after all this time I find out that you like some pretty boy and I had absolutely no chance?! You’re a horrible person! Don’t ever speak to me again!” his screams echoed the room and he spun around and stomped out.

                There was a brief silence before I asked, “Who let him in?”

                No one answered, I think they were all scared that I was going to set their hair on fire or poop on their pillow prior to when they go to sleep, but I wasn’t. They didn’t know any better, it wasn’t their fault. Then a voice finally cascaded across the room.

                “I did.”

                I looked over to see Kerf waving his arm with a giant smile on his face.

 


                That was the day I assaulted Mike Hill.

 


                I got three months detention, a surprisingly low punishment. I originally thought that I was going to have to give up my first born to Professor McGonagall, but she refused my offer. I have to spend those detentions sorting flobberworms with Professor Old Fucker, just my luck. He looked pleased when he found out; I bet it’s that sadistic mind of his…sicko.

                Robyn also broke it off with Kerf. I think that was her final straw. She could no longer drink her milkshake with the bent, mutilated straws that Kerf offered, so he hit the road…literally.

                After his parents found out that I jumped at him like a wild orangutan and started to bit his leg, they didn’t feel like Hogwarts was safe for him anymore. I was pleased with the announcement, so I chucked a cherry pie at his face. My detention was originally two months long, the cherry pie upgraded it to three. It was worth it though. I had to get my torture in before he went to Durmstrang and picked up some bint named Haylee who has a TV forehead and horse teeth. Oh Kerf…

                I sat in the library, finishing up some homework when I saw Albus walk in. His eyes caught mind and he walked over and took the seat across from me.

                “Hey, I heard about Mike. Are you okay?” he asked. I tried not to laugh. Kerf had to get stiches and is being removed from Hogwarts and he was asking me if I was okay? It was a little odd, but I answered nonetheless.

                “I’m fine. He was just such a jerk to Robyn and I think I just had enough. He has mutilated too many of Robyn’s straws.”

                Al’s face contorted into a strange look and he began laughing, “Yeah, he did deserve it. He was my friend and all, but he was just eating that pie…”

                My head snapped up, “How did you find out about that?"

                Al smiled, “He told me you apparently freaked out because he was eating a pie and told me that you needed to calm down. I personally thought you had every right to be mad.”

                “You do?”

                “Absolutely! If someone was rude enough not to bring me pie, then I might have to kill them,” he said winking.

                We sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes and I realized that I was no longer hyperventilating about the fact that Albus Potter was sitting right next to me. He was nearly TOUCHING MY HAND and I was barely freaking out. My pupils were probably dilated as hell, but it didn’t matter, because I highly doubt that eyeball dilation was on Al’s list of suspicious activity.

                I thought about Ben’s reaction, did he really like me that much? Or was it more of a hate for Al? In a way I didn’t care, because if someone can’t trust me, then they can get a move on! Mmmhhhm! That’s right girlfriend! You are a strong independent woman and you don’t need no man! This made me giggle, causing Al to give me an odd look.

                “Sometimes I really wish I could see what goes through your mind. You’re always laughing to yourself. Either you’re crazy or way funnier than you let on,” he said quietly. He stared at me for a few minutes and then stood up, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at practice…don’t be late, love.”

                HE CALLED ME ‘LOVE’! I WAS JUST KIDDING BEFORE, I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. MARRY ME AL!

 

 




A/N: OMG I AM SO SORRY! This writers block has been horrible! Then school started and my birthday approached with a force of a billion men, so I've really just been dumb and lazy. I also apologize for the horrible quality of this chapter, it's such a filler and I sort of just got rid of so many characters in a short amount of time it's so overwhelming, but I felt bad about making you guys wait :( I hope you don't hate me, I'll try and get ch 8 up soon.

Allie
 


Chapter 8: Again and Again and Again
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You know what sucks more than getting mauled by an angry hippogriff? Losing. And right now, I’m losing badly. Ever since I got dumped by Ben Insertlastnamehere, the hopes of me winning this challenge are very low. Robyn has already completed 25 items on her list and you know how many I’ve completed? Just guess…no guess. Just guess a number. Do it. Ok, fine. I’ve done one. Literally one. I’ve tried out for Quidditch. I haven’t gotten a date, I haven’t been normal for a day, I haven’t gotten a makeover, and I haven’t made a new friend. I would’ve gotten two of those out of the way, but Ben decided to spaz out like a fish out of water, so I’m left flapping around just like that. And I’m losing. Robyn’s never going to let this go. Ever. Never ever ever (getting baaaack together!). I have to get my moves on. Super awesome Alicia powers…ACTIVATE!

 


                “THIS QUIDDITCH GAME IS EVERTHING! IT IS YOUR HEART! IT IS YOUR SOUL! YOU WILL TREASURE IT FOREVER AND TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT IT!” Albus roared. He had been trying to motivate up, but really I’m just getting distracted. I bet Al’s children are going to be glorious. They’ll sure get the good genes. I have decent genes too. The crazy one’s anyway. My kids will be funny at least. Hey, if I marry Albus, my children will be beautiful and hilarious! ALBUS PLEASE PROPOSE! “I WANT ALL OF YOU TO TRY YOUR BEST AND IF YOU SUCK OUT THERE, THEN I GUESS YOUR BEST ISN’T ENOUGH! I WANT BLOOD! I WANT TEARS! I WANT FURY!” At this point the keeper was about to burst into tears. Al was really scaring the crap out of everyone. Even I wasn’t attracted to this psycho bag of carbon right now. One of the beaters was laughing quietly to himself as Al screamed, “MURDER!” I hadn’t really noticed him before. Well, since Albus was on the team, I didn’t really notice anyone. A few days ago one of the chasers asked me if I could tell Al she was going to miss practice. I didn’t even know what she was talking about until I realized it was Thalia McIver, Quidditch Nazi II. I guess I only have eyes for Al…or I’m just a little obsessed. Either one. Giggle.

                I didn’t realize I was staring at Beater Guy until he gave me a weird look and waved. I waved back a little too enthusiastically. He did this awkward laugh and went back to listening to Al. I was preparing to avoid him forever and pretend that he no longer exists, but then I remembered my list and how terribly I was losing to Robyn. Maybe he could be my new friend! Ok, how do I go about this? Just start calling him bestie? No, I don’t even know his name. Is it Ricky? Don? Simon? No those are dumb…it’s…er…Tim! Timmy? Johnny? Ugh! I have no idea. But I’ll find out eventually…I always do. *Creepy look*

                Albus finished his war-driven monologue and we hit the field. It was time to kill Gryffindor. My heart was beating furiously. The snitch was released and the game begun. I saw the other seeker, Rose Weasley, circling the pitch and tried to give her a death stare, but she wasn’t really looking at me, so I probably just looked constipated.

                “TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!”

                Woooo! We’re winning! I hope Slytherin catches the snitch soon! Oh, right. I’m supposed to be catching the snitch. I decided I better use my gymnast skills and win this shit right now. Rose was near the bottom, but I highly doubted it was flying amongst the players. It rarely ever did, but if loitering near Scorpius Malfoy was her game plan, then I guess Slytherin was going to get an easy win tonight. I flew up into the air and scanned the pitch. C’mon…gold…shiny…wings…flying…my eyes kept scanning the pitch and I heard another cheer from below, “ANOTHER TEN POINTS! SLYTHERIN LEADS TWENTY TO NOTHING!” I heard the beaters bat crack and the bludger whipped across the pitch. Scorpius looked a little terrified, he was lucky that they had got it before it cracked his skull in. Oh, mental images.

                Another twenty minutes passed and another four goals scored by Slytherin and neither me nor Rose had found the glittery ball of fun. Stupid thing, it’s doing this on purpose! Hiding and being tricksy. I flew around some more, so I didn’t look like a total chump and finally I saw it. The snitch was floating undetected by the top of one of the stands. I decided to be nonchalant about it, since Rose was still creepily motioning Scorpius’ movements. Good thing he’s not our seeker, we would’ve been screwed having Ginger there stalking our main boy. Once I got within 100 meters of the snitch I dove after it. The commentator, Lily Potter, pointed my dive out quickly, “REMINGTON HAS SPOTTED THE SNITCH!” Rose snapped out of her day dream and started following me quickly. The snitch continued to speed away from me, just like the little bitch it was, but I knew that there’s no way Rose could catch it. I could tell that she didn’t even see it herself; she was just mimicking my flight pattern in hopes that I’ll fall or choke on a floating leaf or something.

                I was within an arm’s reach of the stupid little thing and took one final jerk forward and my fingers enveloped it smoothly. I WON! I WON THE GAME! ALBUS WILL LOVE ME AND I WILL HAVE HIS CHILDREN!

                The Slytherins screamed with pride as the game came to a close. I was so proud of myself. I’M BETTER THAN GRYFFINDOR! NEINER NEINER NEEEEINEEER!

                Our godly captain announced that we were going to have a meeting in the change rooms, but after that we were free to go.

                We all filed into the cramped quarters and I ended up standing beside Beater Guy again. His shoulder brushed up against my face (because he was as tall as a damn building) and I inhaled some of his man sweat.

                “Ew!” I coughed and he turned to look at me.

                “Oh, sorry!” he laughed. “Is my manliness bothering you?”

                “No, but your nasty sweat is…” I mumbled.

                “Hey! This isn’t sweat. It’s my performance juice!”

                I tried to keep a straight face as he defended himself, but I burst out laughing, “Pre-ahahaha-preformance…ahahahaha!”

                He began laughing too, “Ok, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words.”

                When I calmed down I replied, “Yeah, probably not. Try to think before splurging your genius words everwhere.”

                “Hey! Remington! Shut your hole!” Thalia yelled and I zipped my lip before she found another reason to yell at me. Beater Guy snickered as I got scolded. What a jerk!

                “So, I would like to congratulate all of you on an amazing game! Especially our seeker, Alicia, who won the game for us! Let’s give her a hand.” Albus announced.

                The team clapped and cheered and I may or may not have blushed a little bit.

                “Also, let’s give a round of applause for Seb, who saved Scorpius from a perilous bludger!”

                Another round of claps and a few whistles and Al dismissed us like a group of schoolchildren. Seb. Sebastian. So, that was Beater Guy’s name. He seemed cool, not stupid like Kerfinator 3000. As I was walking away from the pitch in the cool night, I heard a voice call my name. My breath caught in my throat. Not again.

 

 




A/N: Hey! I made this update a quick one! Do you like Seb? What do you think will happen next? Who's calling her name? Is it Kerf dressed up as a cucumber? Let me know what you think in a nice review :) I want to let you know that during the month of November, it is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and I've decided that I'm going to participate this year. There's good news and bad news. The good news is, there will a brand new novel for you to enjoy done by December! The bad news is, that I will be writing on average 1667 words a day for this novel, so it might be hard to get a chapter of this craziness up! I'm really sorry to make you guys wait so long again...but I think you guys will really like the new story. It's a comedy like this one. I will try my bestest to get Chapter 9 up this month, but I can't really promise anything!

& OMG 1100 READS? Thank you so much! I want to thank all of you who have read this and left reviews, it honestly motivates me so much. I see a review and it makes me what to write even more. I love you guys.

Allie xx
 


Chapter 9: Albus Crushes My Dreams
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“ALICIA!”



                Damn it. Maybe if I pretend I’m a walrus they won’t come near me. Start waddling and make odd noises.



                “HEY, WAIT UP!”             



                Come on! Walrus, walrus, walrus!



                I was surprised when the yelling stopped. I continued to make walrus noises just in case, but I still felt a little relieved that I didn’t have to engage in actual social contact. That’s scary stuff.



                I strutted back to the castle with the swaggy confidence of a thousand teenage pop stars with flippy hair. I have escaped the wrath of the dreaded male species. ONCE AGAIN I HAVE PREVAILED! BOW DOWN TO ME!



                I got about halfway back to my stone safety net when a large figure popped out of the bush and pounced on me like a cougar. At first I thought that it actually was a cougar so I bit it, but when it cried out “OW WHAT THE HECK!” I concluded that couldn’t have been a feline companion.



                I pushed the lumpy mass off of me and stood up. My back was caked in mud and the dirt water was soaked through my uniform.



                “Thanks a lot, random human!” I shouted and wiped my eye clean. As I blinked, the random human came into focus.



                “What the hell are you talking about Vivo?”



                “NANNERS I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU I’M SO SORRY HOW HAVE YOU BEEN HOW ARE THE KIDS? OH RIGHT YOU AREN’T MARRIED BUT IT’S BEEN FOREVER WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN LIKE OH EM GEE, GIRL!” He had a terrified grin on his face as I rambled uncontrollably.



                “Well, ever since you got into that fight with Robyn and then that fight with Al and then that fight with Ben, I decided to take a break because I didn’t want the next fight to be with me.”



                My face sunk, “I’m sorry, Nan. I’ve been a really jerk face. I don’t know what’s wrong with me this year. I mean, I’m usually crazy and I usually piss a few people off but it’s never been to this extent. What’s different?”



                He cocked his head slightly, as if to get a better angle, “Albus. That’s what’s new. He’s changed you, and I’m not saying it’s in a bad way, but he has changed you. Maybe you should obsess less and actually try to get him to like you.”



                “But I’m too weird to have normal feelings. I’ve been diagnosed by doctors.”



                Nanners laughed, “You have not! All you have to do is be normal for one day and see what happens. It’s on that dumb list of yours anyway, just give it a shot.”



                “Ok, so I’m just supposed to yoloswag into the castle and be all like ‘Yo, fellow students I am normal, I am here, and I am in love with Albus Potter’?”



                Nanners just stared at me, “If I ever hear you say ‘yoloswag’ one more time I might actually have to murder you to prevent future generations from inheriting your genes. But, seriously, all you have to do is start a half-normal conversation with him. Talk about the Quidditch game, you played really well, and I’m sure he’d be really interested talking about it.”



                Albus…interested…in…me… OH MY GOD THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE I WILL WRITE THIS DOWN IN MY DREAM JOURNAL AND BY DREAM JOURNAL I MEAN SCRAP PIECE OF PAPER I HAVE HIDDEN IN MY LEFT BOOT THAT HAS THINGS ABOUT ALBUS WRITTEN ON IT. I’M SO EXCITED.



                I cleared my throat, “That sounds reasonable.”



                Nanners stared blankly at my calm exterior, but he knew that on the inside I was having a spaz attack.



                “Very good, Vivo, very good…” he said smirking, “I’ll see you around, keep calm, got it?”



                “Yes…very calm…” I murmured and he walked off chuckling. As soon as he was out of sight I began waving my arms around like a wet noodle yelling, “HE’S GONNA BE INTERESTED!”



 


                As I skipped off to the castle I thought of Albus’ eyes. Ahh…young love.

 




                Robyn decided to spend the next week just completing as much challenges as possible. Her first couple days she twerked on the Astronomy Tower (#3)  and taught a yoga class to first years in exchange for candy (#67), I was impressed with how well she was embracing the Weird Life. I had major respect for that. I guess she was just trying to keep her mind off Mike, which was understandable, because I was trying to keep my mind of Ben.



                I hadn’t seen him around since our big fight, and I really was happy about it. He seemed to dip back into the shadows and even in Charms I didn’t see him. Maybe he moved to Durmstrang with Kerf. I sure hope so. I decided to take Nanner’s advice and just make a move on Albus, a normal move. My hair would be blowing in the wind, my smile would be pristine, my jokes would be clever and on point… BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I could not keep a straight face saying that… I think you know that I’m, going to be normal for like 2 minutes and then I’ll start rambling fun facts about sperm and the whole thing will be over, but I’m still excited for the attempt. Cue dance transition music to the library.



DA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA DA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA DA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA



                I spotted Albus sitting at the far tables as soon as I strutted into the library. I was reading one of his textbooks with a confused look on his face. He’s so cute when he’s confused. I walked over and pulled out the chair opposite him, “Mind if I join you?”



                A grin spread across his face, “Yeah, sure.”



                “What are you grinning at?” I asked suspiciously.



                He laughed, “I’m just surprised that you didn’t jump out from behind a book shelf or throw a quill at my face or something.”



                “Pft...why would I do that? It’s not like I’m crazy or anything.”



                “Oh, yeah…not crazy at all,” he smirked and went back to his notes.



                “What are you writing?”



                “Oh, just some quick notes for Transfiguration…nothing important really. I actually was meaning to talk to you about something,” he said. I tried not to freak out or mumble something about his buff, yet inviting arms. ALBUS WANTED TO TALK TO ME THIS SEEMS SERIOUS.



                “So, I have a proposition for you since you and Ben broke it off…”



                My heart leapt up into my throat. He’s going to ask me on a date. I’m single. He’s single. Robyn’s single. Nanners is single. My gross Potions teacher is single. It’s all ready. We’re good. This is my moment. My year long conquest is finally going to pay off. My creepiness shall win over the heart of Albus. I wonder if he knows what the names of our kids are going to be. I think he’ll want to pick something strong, yet simple, like Emmett or Joshua. They’ll grow up in a small country home, with a big yard for playing Quidditch and a really awesome fort with like secret tunnels that lead all over the place and  A REALLY COOL PET TIGER WITH RAZOR SHARP CLAWS…



                “Go on…” I replied, calmly and collectively.



                “Well, since you’re now single I thought that you might want to have a date for Hogsmeade next week…”



                …EMMETT WILL HAVE BLACK HAIR AND BROWN EYES AND WILL BE SUCH A LADIES MAN AND THEN JOSHUA WILL BE BOOKY AND SWEET AND WILL MARRY A NICE WOMAN NAMED LORRAINE WHO IS A MUGGLE LIBRARIAN…



                “I won’t be surprised if you say no, but I just really think that it’d be a good idea…”



                …AND THEN WHEN WE HAVE 6 GRANDCHILDREN WE WILL GIVE JOSHUA THE FAMILY HOME AND MOVE TO A QUIET COMMUNITY IN NORTHERN ENGLAND THAT IS PREDOMINANTLY OCCUPIED BY MUGGLES…



                “Would you like to go on a date…”



                “Yes…?” I waited for an ending to the sentence.



                “…with Seb?”



                …Where I and my  dreams will die.



A/N: Oh my gosh. I cannot believe how long it has been. Well, let me explain (and make horrible crappy excuses)…I tried to to NaNoWriMo and failed epically, because I had just started a job and school was getting more and more time consuming and I told myself I’d start writing again during Christmas. I honestly wrote the first half of this chapter back in December and now it’s July and I’m kicking myself for not finishing it. I really hope you guys will continue to read the story & I would appreciate if you guys left me a review (even if it is just to call me a bloody scallywag and karate chop my clavicle via the internet). I hope you guys liked it…I will be writing this summer…that is a guarantee. Thanks, lovelies!



Allie xx



               



                 


 


Chapter 10: Entering Covert Ops
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 ER.

ENTER PANIC MODE. What do I do?! Say yes?! Say no?! Do I flip a galleon?! Al's expression was calm and patient, with a tinge of amusement, like he knew that on the inside I was having an inner crisis. 

 

He smiled and spoke eagerly, "Just give me any answer, standing here gawking at the question isn't going to help much, love."

 

My brain was already swimming with questions and I didn't even have enough brain power to fangirl over the fact that he called me 'love' again. If I was going to date Seb I'd have to get over the fact that I was madly in love with Albus Potter. I really doubt I'd ever get over that. He was imperfectly perfect. WHO AM I KIDDING HE'S PERFECTLY PERFECT I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIM HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM I'M RAMBLING BUT I CAN'T STOP. Yeah, I don't see how dating Seb was ever going to be a good thing for either of us, I mean, just look what happened with Ben. He just overheard a bit of a conversation and was extremely hurt, I didn't want to do the same thing to Seb.

 

I looked up at Al and he was giving me his puppy dog eyes, like he was begging me to say 'yes'. I gave a shy grin and spoke up, "Yeah, I guess I'll give it a shot."

 

For a moment Albus looked moderately surprised by my answer, but quickly returned the smile, "Okay, perfect! I swear you won't regret this, he's a great bloke."

 

I nodded aprehensively, unsure that I had made the right choice.

 

"Don't fret, Al, you two will make a great couple," he assured me.

 

I choked a bit on my own saliva. I wasn't sure if I should be happy or sad that he called me Al, it was a little bittersweet. Sweet in the way that we now share a nickname, but horribly bitter in the way that it made me sound like an old man. I shrugged it off and we began to have a somewhat normal conversation. He rambled on about the Quidditch match and I listened patiently. This comfortable chatter warmed my heart a little, if we weren't meant to be a couple, we could at least be friends. Or friends with the benefit that I get to look at his gorgeous face all day. Either one works.

 

We spent the next hour laughing and telling stories in the library, I had almost forgot that I was obsessed with his biceps. Almost. He chuckled at my story about locking Robyn's brothers, Matt and Cameron, in a shoe box.

 

"You're hilarious, Alicia," he said with a genuine grin on his face. "So, when do you want to meet up with Seb? I bet he'd like to chat before you two make the date official."

 

"I--er..." I didn't really know what to say, I've never exactly made these sort of plans before, "How about tonight?"

 

The words escaped my mouth before I could even process them. I didn't want to meet Seb tonight, although his burly shoulders were quiet the attraction, I'd much rather chat up Albus and celebrate our new found friendship. But I new Albus would think the idea was grand, so I decided to just go along with my blurted out words and see where that got me.

 

"We could hang out in the common room tonight! Everyone is going to be out anyway, it's a Friday, so we can talk in there. You should bring Robyn and Brandon, too, just to break the ice, you know?"Albus said.

 

"Yeah, that sounds great, but just one question... who the hell is Brandon?" I asked.

 

Al burst into an uncontrollable laughter. I was really confused as to why he was peeing himself laughing when all I did was ask a simple question. Maybe he has a brain disease. In that case I don't know if I want to have children with him. BAHAHAHA who am I kidding of course I do. I guess Emmett will have to inherit the disease gene. He'll be more of the ladies man anyway, while Joshua will have a family to look after. Aw, look at me planning out which of our children will inherit brain disease. How adorable.

 

Once Albus had stopped crying and giggling I asked him one more time, "Who is Brandon?"

 

"You're really one of a kind, he's one of your best friends! Brandon Milton? You know, brown hair, really wise, you always yell something about bananas at him?"

 

Suddenly it hit me, "OH MY GOD YOU MEAN NANNERS?! I'VE CALLED HIM THAT FOR SO LONG THAT I FORGOT THAT HE EVEN HAD A REAL NAME."

 

"Yes! Nanners! Well, what did you think his last name was then?"

 

I pondered the question for a moment, "I've just always thought it was Nanners Nanners."

 

"You thought that his first name and his last name were the same? You really thought his name was 'Nanners Nanners'?"

 

There was a sudden silence and our eye locked unexpectedly. Both of our mouths began to sneak into bigger and bigger smiles until we were both laughing uncontrollably. Tears were streaming down our faces and we only stopped giggling to say "Nanners" or "same name", which would cause the laughter to increase until we were doubled over on the ground, overwhelmed by humour. By the time we  had calmed down, we were still both sitting on the floor of the library. Albus looked at me softly and I gave a weak grin back. I truly did like him, it wasn't just a fangirl's obsession. Well, it started out like that, but I really did get to know him and the feelings didn't go away. They grew stronger and no matter what happened I was always consumed by his hair or his muscles or his eyes or the way he yelled at us during Quidditch and nothing really mattered but that. 

 

My heart sunk. I wanted to tell him right that moment that I didn't want to go on a date with Seb, but I knew it wouldn't matter. He wanted me to date Seb, he encouraged me to, and I wasn't going to cause more issues by professing my love. There was an awkward pause. More awkward than usual.

 

"So, we should be heading up to the common room, yeah? I bet Seb's in there doing some homework or something," he said, giving me a wink. I nodded, trying to look as enthusiastic as possible. He stood up and held out his hand. I gasped onto it and he pulled me up. We were momentarily holding hands... I didn't even freak out.

 

 

 

 

 

We entered the common room side by side, like a couple of old pals coming home drunk from a bar. He shoved me and I shoved him back, it was playful banter. Playful platonic banter. I fetched Robyn from the girl's dorm and Nanners was already sitting with Seb, so the five of us huddled around the small table and Al began to speak.

 

"How are you all today?" 

 

Robyn furrowed her brow, "Enough with the small talk, Pretty Boy, I want the goods, why are we crammed around this table?"

 

She glanced at me with a suspicious look and I muttered, "Nothing but cake."

 

"Alicia's all batty and nervous so it's obviously something uncomfortable. Albus, did you touch her butt or something?"

 

The whole group erupted into laughter and loud comments.

 

"NO I SWEAR--"

 

"Mate, why would you do that?"

 

"Oi! That's my best friend we're talking about here!"

 

"MY BUTT IS FREE OF HUMAN TOUCH!"

 

That shut the group of fairly quick and allowed Albus to get back to talking.

 

"I did not touch anybody's butt nor do I plan on touching anyone's butt in the near future. My friend Seb wants to go on a date with Alicia and she agreed so we're here to celebrate that."

 

A moment of eerie silence occurred. Like the calm before the storm. Or the echo you hear before you take a really big poo. And my word, Robyn began to take the biggest poo I've ever seen... right on Albus' head. Well, metaphorically of course.

 

"ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER THIS IS NOT WHAT WE AGREED ON. I DIDN'T SEND YOU OFF TO DO COVERT OPS FOR YOU JUST TO BLOW THE WHOLE THING UP IN ONE MOVE. THE PLAN WAS VERY CLEAR AND YOU BLEW IT. I KNEW I SHOULD'VE JUST DRUGGED HER, BUT NO, YOU HAD TO GET ALL ETHICAL ON MY ASS AND NOW WE'RE HERE TALKING ABOUT DATES AND HAPPY ROMANCE. HELL NO, PRETTY BOY, I DIDN'T SPEND WEEKS CREATING THIS PLAN FOR YOU TO FUCK IT UP. OH NO." Robyn's screams echoed the Slytherin common room.

 

Al stuttered, "But I--"

 

"BUT YOU WHAT?! THE PLAN WAS SO FRICKEN CLEAR I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU MANAGED TO DO A BACKFLIP INTO NARNIA, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MESSED UP THIS WHOLE THING IS NOW. NARNIA MESSED UP."

 

"I think we should just tell her the truth..." Al said, looking at me.

 

I started yelling uncontrollably, "WHAT TRUTH?! WHEN? HOW? WHO? WHERE? WAS I DRUNK? DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH PENGUINS? IT INVOLVES THE ILLUMINATI DOESN'T IT?! I KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST THOSE PENGUINS..."

 

"Whoa! Calm down, it has nothing to do with any of that..." Albus began, "Robyn was just doing me a favour, she just didn't want you to know."

 

"What favour? Why didn't you tell me?" I spluttered.

 

Robyn and Albus looked at each other. "Are you sure you want her to know? This way?" Robyn asked.

 

"I'm sure," Albus replied and I continued to hyperventilate.

 

"WHAT WAY? TELL ME WHAT?"

 

"Alicia, you have to promise to calm down, okay? You can't go crazy when I tell you," Robyn instructed. I nodded firmly, "I promise."

 

Albus turned to me and held my hands in his, like he was trying to comfort me.

 

"Alicia..." he said quietly, "Robyn was trying to set me up with someone."

 

I looked at him blankly, my heart racing in my chest, "Who?"

 

"You."

 

That's when I fainted.

 

 


Chapter 11: Imperfectly Perfect
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"What just happened?" I asked groggily.

 

"Well," Nanners said, "Al confessed his love for you and then you went limp like a wet noodle. It was quite hilarious actually."

 

I glared at him and turned to Albus and Robyn, who were now sitting side by side on one of the green Slytherin couches. Al was looking sheepish while Robyn seemed proud that news of their scheme had caused me to faint. Rotten old hag, she is. Don't tell her I said that, she'll cut off my legs and replace them with cucumbers. Trust me, it's happened before.

 

"You'll love me once you hear the trouble I went through to plan this, it was a great scheme really. If your rubbish boyfriend here hadn't screwed it all up, you might actually be together and not awkwardly staring at opposite walls," Robyn groaned. 

 

I rolled my eyes at her annoyance. It's not Al's fault that she's a bloody psycho. She probably tricked him into doing it or threatened him with cucumber legs. Either way, I doubt Al's feelings are in any way genuine.

 

"Fine, go on then," I muttered, and a glowing smile grew on Robyn's face and her monologue began.

 

"It was the beginning of the year, Kerf and I were feeling sorry for you, because you were all alone while I was with him. We figured that since you were head-over-heels for Albus, he'd be the perfect candidate. I was plotting to trick you into it, but when you brought up the list, I knew it'd be my chance. Forcing you to do Quidditch would put the two of you in constant contact, it was perfect. Everything was going quite smoothly until that psycho Ben messed everything up. I created the fight, because I knew Albus couldn't resist hanging around you when you were so alone. It was going super well, until you mentioned Ben, causing Albus to get all hurt and wounded. I had to let him in on the set up or else he would've hated you forever. Not really, but it would've been more difficult to get you two lovin'. Around that time, I was also getting tired of Kerf, he was quite annoying really, so I told him to let Ben into the common room at the precise time that I blurted out that you were in love with Al." at this, Albus blushed furiously, but Robyn ignored it and continued on, "Ben broke up with you, giving Albus the excuse to dive in, but he didn't have much time before this buff idiot decided to dive in first." She shot a devilish glare in Seb's direction. 

 

"So, the 'Seb wants to date me' thing wasn't part of the plan?" I asked.

 

"OF COURSE NOT! DO YOU THINK I'D RISK THE CHANCE THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY START FALLING FOR SEB?! THAT STUPID TWAT WAS NEVER PART OF ANYTHING. ACTUALLY I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE'S STILL HERE." Robyn screamed. Seb's eyes widened with fear, but he stayed planted in the chair, refusing to let a teenage girl frighten him out of his own common room, but Robyn had other intentions. She grabbed her wand and pointed directly at him.

 

"DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE A HINT?! GET OUT." 

 

He jumped at the sheer volume of her voice and began to leave, but not before clarifying his role in the situation, "So, I'm not getting a Hogsmeade date then?"

 

The stupidity of the question enraged Robyn even further, and she pounced after him, chasing the burly Quidditch player out the door. We could hear her screams (and his, as a matter of fact) echoing down the hall. She returned minutes later, breathing heavily, but with a cheery smile on her face. None of us spoke. She took her seat and continued to tell the story. No one dared to ask what happened to Seb, we valued our lives too much. 

 

"Albus, being the spineless turd that he is, decided that he should just set them up, so that you wouldn't get suspicious of the arrangement I was planning. Sadly, IT WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER, and we had to interrupt the idiocy by having this meeting. Now, here we are. You know, Albus knows, now love can happen."

 

I don't really know what I was supposed to say. I was happy in a way, that Albus liked me, but it all seemed to forced. I wanted Albus to approach me on his own. I imagined him being caught up in my beautiful flying techniques or laughing with me in the library and just knowing that he wanted to be with me, not being forced into it by my psychotic best friend. I smiled in spite of these thoughts.

 

"You're really a nutter," I said laughing, "but I appreciate the gesture."

 

Robyn smiled, knowing it was a 'thank you'. She grabbed my right hand along with Albus' left and joined them together. We were both beet red with embarrassment and laughing awkwardly at everything. 

 

"So, I guess I'll leave you two to it then," she said with a wink, and walked out of the room. 

 

Albus and I sat in silence for a while, it was soothing in a way, just sitting quietly holding hands. He took in a deep breath and I could tell he was going to be the first to speak up.

 

"I wasn't forced into it, you know," he said softly, "I overheard her talking to Mike one day about the plan. I knew weeks before she ended up telling me. I liked you from the moment you crashed into me on the platform, and nothing Robyn, Mike, or Seb could do would stop that."

 

A smile grew on my face until I remembered the incident with Sebastian. I retracted my hand from his and asked, "Then why would you set me up with Seb?" 

 

Albus laughed, "Let's just say I had a plan of my own. I wanted to mess with Robyn a bit. Why did you say yes?"

 

My mind scrambled for an appropriate answer. "IjustwantedtomakeyouhappyandIthoughtthatwaswhatyouwanted" I slurred. He just stared into my eyes.

 

"You'd really do that for me?" 

 

"If that was what you wanted. I thought that if I would have you I might as well try and make your friends happy. And who knows, I may have grown to like Seb."

 

His gaze continued. I began to panic. What have I done? He trusted me and now he's angry because he thinks I prefer Seb or something. Oh my goodness gracianya. This is worse that the time I accidentally called Robyn, 'Francis' and she tied me to a tree for a week. I didn't know what to say. I was about to apologize when he suddenly moved forward and his lips pressed mine. I sat there is shock. When he pulled away after what seemed like a lifetime, I heard an overly excited Robyn shrieking and fangirling behind the couch. I really hadn't expected her to truly leave and Albus didn't really seem to care. We just smiled at each other, sort of in a crazy psycho way, but I guess love and psychotic behaviour aren't really that different.

 

Albus grabbed my hand and I was so glad that I decided to shimmy backwards through the barrier on that first day of school.

 

"AHHH!" Robyn yelled, "I'M SO HAPPY THAT I DECIDED TO SHIP YOU TWO."

 

So are we, Robyn, so are we.

 

 

 

 

 

The year continued on perfectly. Robyn had decided to drop the whole list idea if I promised not to get mad whenever she squealed around us. I instantly regretted that decision, but Albus and I run off in secret so we don't have to put up with it. She found her own secret love. Apparently, my Nanners has has a little crush on her for a while. Al and I tried to formulate an elaborate plan like Robyn's but she tends to spy on us and our secret wasn't kept for long. They're dating and I like to squeal at them regularly, just to keep them on their toes. Our burly Quidditch friend never showed up to practice after Robyn's "little outburst", so we had to allow our crappy spare Beater to take his place, but we still won the Quidditch Cup, thanks to myself for being so amazing and Albus for being so hot (yeah, I still say stuff like that... Except it slips put of my mouth a lot more than it used to. I don't think Al really minds). As for Ben, I got suspicious that I hadn't even seen him once since he dumped me (oh so angrily) and confronted Robyn about it. I half expected her to direct me to a shallow grave out in the school grounds somewhere, but what she told me was much more surprising. 

 

"Ben wasn't even real, it was Nanners in a Ben suit."

 

After that, I concluded that Robyn's plan was much more twisted than I had even expected. I really think she planned everything, every single move Al and I made was mapped out. She's truly a Slytherin, that one. I've never asked for the full blueprint of her plan, I'm scared I might be a witness to something illegal, so I just give her the benefit of the doubt as always. It's really better not to know. Everything worked out perfectly anyways, well... As perfect as you can get when on the brink on insanity. 

 

A/N: MY LITTLE LOVELIES. THAT'S IT. I'm sad to see it go, but I guess that means I can move on to something else... I want to thank each and every one of you for reading, reviewing and becoming a part of this story. I appreciate everything and even on my worst days, you guys made we want to keep writing. I will never forget this silly thing and I want to hug you all forever. I hope you guys will stick around to read more of my stories :) I hope to start writing a new one soon. LOVE LOVE LOVE Allie xx 

 


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