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Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling.
My name is Roxanne Weasley, Roxy if I like you, (Foxy Roxy if you’re Freddie, and only Freddie) I am sixteen years old and, I think that I might be a reincarnation of Lord Voldemort.
You’re laughing I see? Very well, laugh all you want, but when I go ‘round ‘Avada Kedavring’ your arse don’t come running to me.
Do you want to know why I believe myself to be the reincarnation of the Darkest Wizard of all time?
I want to kill a muggle.
Not just any muggle. Pamela Smiths.
The current girlfriend of Jake Thomas, my one true love. I honestly don’t know what Jakey sees in her after all, she is only a muggle.
I mean there really is nothing extrodianry about her. She’s not even that pretty, with her size 2 figure, platinum blonde hair, never ending tan legs and crystal blue eyes she resembles your average troll. Jakey could do so much better.
I mean, why would he choose her when he could have me! Roxanne Weasley! No doubt the craziest bird you’ve ever seen, but at least I’m not an airhead like what’s-her-face.
I for one have substance. So suck on that suckah.
Now, to those who don’t know me, it may seem like I have a slight infatuation with Jake Thomas. And right you are! It’s just that, my love for Jake goes far deeper than a mere schoolyard crush, it’s true love. Real, true love.
Of course he doesn’t realise it yet, but I really can assure you that when he does he’ll simply sweep me off my feet and realise that all his skanky girlfriends were merely a distraction from me- his one true love. His one and only. His lover. The bearer of his children. His wife. His partner. His little cupcake.
Jake Thomas is mine.
I claimed him first after all. I have been in love with Jake since the age of eleven, and the bloke very much knows it too. It’s not exactly like I kept in on the down low. Last year I asked him out in the Great Hall for the Hogsmeade trip, and the year before in the Gryffindor common room, and the year before that in the Astrology Tower…Anyway, I’ve asked him out a fair amount of times, and each time he has rejected.
This year however is different. You ask why? It’s because I got boobs.
A C cup too. I know, I know, you’re jealous, I would be too if I was you. But that’s beside the point. This year I have boobs, which means I can seduce Jake with my womanly wiles.
And don’t talk to me about all of that ‘what about substance’ crap, because there is no way that Jake Thomas is going to fall for me because of my incredible knowledge of potions. I know it’s sad, but it’s the truth. So yeah, but you see there’s a slight catch.
Jake thinks I’m crazy.
Not as in, hey she’s crazy hot.
As in, ‘why isn’t she in a mental institution?’ crazy.
Yeah I know right? How could anyone think I was crazy, I'm as normal as you can get! Jake doesn’t seem to agree with me though, every time I ask him he always replies with the same argument:
‘I DON’T KNOW ROXY, MAYBE CAUSE EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND I’VE HAD SINCE FIRST YEAR YOU’VE MANAGED TO SCARE AWAY!’
I know right, What a rude child! I still love him though…
But, I mean it’s not even my fault that all the girls he happens to go for are skanks! I mean really, he should have a better taste in women! All those skanks were with him for his body.
I was only protecting him! I mean there’s so much more to him than those skanks can see! They don’t know how when he’s nervous he runs his hands through his light brown hair and then makes this ADORABLE little growl. They don’t know how when he gets annoyed he likes to poke his fingers through the holes of his jumpers. They don’t know that he’s fiercely protective over his little brother Sam. They don’t know that his favourite subject is Astrology because he loves looking at the stars. They don’t know that he has 4 little freckles on his nose which he’s extremely paranoid about.
They only like him for his abs. Which are pretty hot, but not nearly as hot as mine...not really, they get cold so I cover them with a layer of fat.
I got that off WizBook, I'm not that creative.
Plus none of them share the connection I have with Jakey. Little skanks only want him to look cool.
Which he is, but not only is he cool, he’s extremely smart! He’s in Advance Potions, and he tutors the little first and second years which is totally admirable because I hate kids. They’re sticky and gross, and just ew.
I told Herman this and he told me that they were twelve and only a few years younger than us. (I chose to ignore this because I’m allowed to.)
Back to Jake, he’s a vegetarian and he’s Co-President of the Hogwarts Student Association of Witches and Wizards. Not to mention he came up with the Anti-Blood Status Discrimination Awareness Week.
So yeah, Jake is perfect.
Plus he’s handsome( NOT HOT, DO YOU SEE THAT SKANKS, HANDSOME, BECAUSE I HAVE CLASS!)
He’s got this tanned skin, and blue eyes from his mother, (who I'd totally do by the way... if I swang that way) he’s got this shaggy brown hair and he’s just…
At times I just want to jump his sexy ass bones and have my dirty little way with him.
I told him that once, strangely enough he found it creepy and told Professor Longbottom. Had me done for sexual assault. He may be sexy as hell but we’ve got to work on that tattle telling problem.
I still love Jake Thomas. Jake + Roxy= LOVE. It’s mathematically accurate.
Why am I revealing to you my love of Jake Thomas? It’s all part of my plan. My sixth year plan. You see, every year of my life has been exceptionally ordinary (as ordinary as it can be when you’re Roxanne Weasley.) this is the year that it’s going to be extraordinary This is the year that James Potter got Lily Evens to fall for him, this is the year that Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny got together, this is the year that I will get Jake Thomas to fall for me.
This is my year.
I hate being a twin.
What lead me to this bold statement? Let me play you out this morning’s scenario:
Mum: Roxy! Fred! We have letters for you from Hogwarts!
*Fred and I run down the stairs exceptionally fast while Mum scolds them for the amount of noise they make.*
Me: Gimme my letter!
Freddie: Noooo! Gimme mine first!
Mum: Both of you shut up, I’ve left them on the table for you. *Point to the two Hogwarts encrusted letters on the dining table.*
Dear Miss Weasley,
We are pleased to inform you that after careful deliberation we have appointed you as the new co-captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. We hope you take great pleasure in your achievement and lead your house to victory.
Charms Professor/ Head of Ravenclaw House.
Me: *pumps fist in the air and proceeds to do a funny sort of victory dance.*
Fred: *watches sister in amusement while smiling at his own letter* What did yours say?
Me: I GOT MADE QUIDDITCH CAPTAIN!
Fred: OHMYGOD SAME!
Mum: *watches in amusement as we come to realise that we are both quidditch captains.*
Fred*Stares at me evily* GET AWAY FROM ME TRAITOR.
Me: What do you mean traitor?
Fred: I MEAN THAT YOU BETRAYED US, THIS WHOLE FAMILY, YOU ARE NOW THE ENEMY!
*Then proceeds to run upstairs while stealing evil glances at me behind his shoulder as though I’m going to steal his non-existent game plans.*
Yes, that is right. I am the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain. (co-captain really, but who gives a shit.) My brother also happens to be the Gryffindor Co-Captain along with, yes you guessed it.
James Sirius Potter. My dearest cousin, bitter rival and quite possibly one of the most annoying git faces to walk the planet. Not to mention a Quidditch Nazi, I’m not even joking since the age of five after watching his mother play for the Holyhead Harpies the boy has got it into his pretty little head that he will become a professional Quidditch player, and he will go to any extent to do so.
If he weren’t my cousin I’d just mindlessly hate him. But he is my cousin, and Nana Molly hates it when we fight so we both agreed to put up a truce when in front of her and agreed to leave our differences at school.
So really, when I find out that I’m Quidditch Captain my excitement is short lived because guess who comes popping into my bedroom?
My adoring brother Fredrick! And who has he brought along with him? Ah, my dearest cousin James!
“What do you want.” Honestly, do not judge my behaviour right now, I was previously totally chilled, day dreaming about Jake, and winning the Quidditch Cup, but then Douchface and Mr. I’m-gonna-ruin-Roxy’s-morning-cause-I’m-a-douche had to come on in and kill my buzz, which totally justifies my hostility.
“Roxy! My favourite relative!” James says enthusiastically as both he and Fred proceed to sit on either side of me leaving me trapped.
Now most females would be in heaven if they were to be in this position with James Potter and Fred Weasley, but let us not forget that this is my cousin and brother. We shared a bath when we were little.
I see Fred pick his nose. On a daily basis.
“Now now my dearest sister, we have an offer for you-“
“Throw the Cup this year.” James finishes, smirking at me.
Ok. No way in hell. They can be as pissed at me all they like but there is no way in Hades that I am throwing that cup. This is my year!
THIS IS MY BLOODY YEAR! NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.
I smiled sweetly at them both, then proceeded to give them each a kiss on the cheek while explaining that they should get it into their thick little heads that this is MY year.
And no one. I repeat no one is going to bring me down.
A/N: Hi, this story sort of came into my head because I guessed there weren’t many Roxanne fics out there. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
10/04/2012- This story will be going through a few minor edits, here and there there happen to be quite a few mistakes:)
Another amazing chapter image by cast!el @the dark arts! ♥♥
Disclaimer: I own nothing it all belongs to JK Rowling ♥
Thank you to PygmyPuffLover for the awesome feedback on this chapter♥
“ROXANNE! FRED! GET YOUR LAZY LITTLE ARSES DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!”
Oh Mother, your compassion astonishes me. I groan as I unsuccessfully attempt to lift myself out of bed. It’s just so comfy! Why on earth would I want to leave my yummy bead to go downstairs?
To go to Hogwarts!
Do you know what Hogwarts means? Jake Thomas and Quidditch (there’s school of course but really, who actually learns at Hogwarts?)
I lug my large suitcase down the stairs followed by Fred closely behind me. However he happens to find it much more easier what with him being six foot something and possessing muscles which I unfortunately seem to lack.
This is extremely unfair you know, up until third year I used to be taller and stronger than both Freddie and James, but ever since the end of third year Tweedledum and Tweedledee’s growth spurt meant that instead of being small awkward little things, with heads too big for their puny little bodies, puberty provided them with abs.
Puberty gave them abs. I swear I really am Voldemort because I only got my boobs this year and Dom got hers in like second year.
I was boob deprived.
But then again I’m glad I’m a girl because despite the fact I’m a gay rights supporter and all, I really don’t think Jake swings that way.
Plus Freddy is an ok boy at times.
I mean we are twins, we do like alike...a bit.... well Freddie has brown hair and brown eyes, and I have brown hair, and blue eyes.
Oh and I’m a girl and all.
Freddie and I do happen to share things in common though, our intense love for Quidditch and competitive spirit happen to be one of them. We used to be quite close when we were younger, best friends actually, but then we went to Hogwarts and I was sorted into Ravenclaw with Dom, Herman and Josh and Freddie into Gryffindor with James and Louis; so we kind of just drifted off, Freddie hung out with his friends, and I did with mine.
But sometimes there’s no one else who knows me like Fred. And those are the moments when I know I never really lost my best friend.
“SWEET MERLIN ROXANNE, MOVE YOUR FAT ARSE!”
Screw that, my brother’s an ape.
“Have you remembered everything? You’ve got your schoolbooks? Robes? Wands?” Mum says eyeing us both wearily.
“Give ‘em a break Angie, they’ll be fine!” Dad says rubbing Mum’s shoulder reassuringly. It’s nice to know that while Mum may seem like a total badass at times, she’s a complete softie when it comes to my dad.
“Don’t worry Ma! We’ll be fine!” Fred gives Mum a peck on the cheek, gives Dad a man-hug and me cheeky smirk before heading over to the train, waving at us as he runs over to James and Louis.
“You’ll look after him won’t you Roxanne?” Mum says watching Fred tiredly. “You know your brother dear, he loves trouble that one.” She looks up at me. (Grew two inches this summer biatch)
I smile reassuringly at her. “Course I will Mum! I am his big sister after all.” By only 5 minutes, but really, who cares? She smiles back at me and kisses me on the cheek.
“You won’t give that Thomas boy any trouble now will you? Poor boy’s mother calls me telling about you harass him every day at school!”
He talks about me! To his mother! Sweet Merlin! Is it possible to be even more in love with a person!
“Wipe that smile off your face Roxanne! This is an important year, you need to focus on your studies, it’s NEWT year next year! Do you understand me young lady!?”
“Jeez Mum! Don’t worry! I’m not in Ravenclaw for nothing you know!” It’s Freddie she should be worrying about! Not me! He’s the one who gets tutoring off the third years because he’s so thick.
Mum rolls her eyes and kisses my cheek before shooing me off, not before Dad gets a hold of me. Dad and I have always had an interesting relationship, unlike him and Freddie we don’t talk as much, but he’s my Daddy and I’m his little girl and that’s enough for the both of us.
He kisses my forehead and hugs me tight, and I hug him back, because nothing can make you feel more happy than a bear-hug from George Weasley. He smiles at me and lets me go not before ruffling my hair and pushing me off towards the train.
“OI, ROXY!” Screams a voice from behind me. I shriek as I run into a pair of strong arms, the owner of these? Herman Miller, my best friend.
“HERMAN!” I shriek in his ear, please excuse the over exaggerated greeting but it’s been almost two months since I’ve seen Herman, he and his dads went on a trip to famous Wizarding landmarks around the world.
Yes, I said Dads, as in plural, as in more than one. As in his parents are gay. Herman is adopted.
I met Herman Miller six years ago, he was the douche bag who stole Heather, my pet cat, I being the little hothead that I was chased the boy around the whole Ravenclaw common room for a good two hours. When I did finally manage to tackle him down he apologised and told me I was pretty tough for a girl, to which I replied by punching him the face because he was a sexist douche and NO ONE messes with Heather.
She’s my baby.
“Roxanne Weasley, is that you? My, my, my have you grown!” I squealed excitedly and run out of Herman’s arms into another pair.
Meet Seth Miller, father to Herman and partner of Mike. Seth is without doubt one of the coolest guys I know, second only to Jake Thomas of course, but let us forget that minor detail and move on with my story. Seth is of course extremely sexy and of course extremely gay.
He is pretty damn hawt. I had a crush on him up until second year when Herman told him his Dad was:
a) too old for me
b) didn’t like chicks.
I’m not going to lie and say my twelve year old heart wasn’t devastated , because it was, but it was all good because a couple of moments later Jake Thomas told me he liked my shoes.
Granted he was probably being sarcastic, because really people-who on earth would compliment a pair of glow in the dark muggle sneakers? Exactly. But still, he acknowledged my presence in a non-homicidal way so that, I believed was an improvement to our blossoming relationship.
“Now Foxy, tell me about your Summer? Meet any cute boys?” Seth says taking my arm and guiding me away from Mike and Herman. Herman obviously looks annoyed at his Dad while Mike stares fondly on, simply enjoying watching families say farewell to one another.
I smile widely at him, “Come on Seth, you know I have eyes for one guy only, and that’s Jake!” a flicker of disappointment flashes across his face but he quickly shakes it off and rolls his eyes at me. Why would he be disappointed with me? He’s gay!
UNLESS HE ISN’T AND HE SECRETLY IS IN LOVE WITH ME AND HE WANTS HIS OWN DIRTY WAY WITH ME BUT IS WAITING TILL I TURN 17 SO HE DOESN’T GET THROWN INTO AZKABAN!
“Sweet Merlin Rox! You stalk that boy, don’t you think it’s time to throw in the towels and look for another guy?”
Or, he probably is just starting to think my obsession with Jake is getting creepy.
“ROX!” Herman yells waving me over. “The trains about to leave!”
I smile at Seth, give him a quick peck on the cheek and wave at Mike, giving them both cheeky smiles as I headed towards the train that was taking me to Hogwarts.
Let the fun begin.
We enter the compartment to the sounds of joyous shouts of glee and a feeling of serenity,
“No Josh, for the last fucking time, I did not steal your Ron Weasley Chocolate Frog Card!”
“Come on now Dommy! I won’t get mad! Just tell me where you put it?!”
Uh-oh, bad mistake Joshy, never, ever, ever, ever call Dominique Weasley Dommy. Well unless you want to get your balls chopped off.
“Don’t.” Uh-oh, Dom’s turning an unattractive shade of red. “Ever. Call. Me. That.” She says holding her wand to his throat, Josh now seems to be turning a very interesting purple.
“Oi! You too, cut out the fighting and just start snogging!” Herman yells out flopping into the spare seat across. Dom turns and glares at him but Josh simply shrugs his shoulders and pulls Dom’s face to his beginning to snog her mercilessly.
Oh dear, they’re at it like rabbits!
Sweet Merlin, the children do not need to see this. I mutter quietly and close the compartment curtains. No one needs to see this.
“OI! GET A ROOM!” Herman yells at the two hormonal teens in front of us, Josh manages to flip us off while continually kissing Dom.
I have such classy friends.
“Hey Rox,” Dom asks, her lips swollen and hair out of control. “ Do you think Josh likes me?”
I love Dominique and all, she’s my cousin and one of my best friends, second only to Herman; but seriously that girl may have beauty and charm but she really is missing a chromosome or two.
Impressed by my use of muggle terminology? I would.
“I don’t know Dom, it seems like considering the whole three hour train ride you two were either snogging each other’s faces off or talking about how much you hate each other.”
Dom blushes. “You really think he likes me?”
There really is no getting through to this one.
I sigh, might as well give her what she wants. “ I think so Dom.” She squeals and rushes off to tell Katie Brown, her best friend whenever I refuse to cooperate with her girlish needs.
She doesn’t understand me.
“HERMAN! JOSH! GET YOUR ARSE OVER HERE AND HELP ME CARRY MY BAGS TO THE THESTRALS!” I yell, seriously whatever happened to chivalry? Herman turns around smirks at me stood outside the train with my extremely heavy trunk and simply continues to walk ahead with Josh as the two of them begin to laugh.
It really is times like these when I wish was a Gryffindor, us Ravenclaws are too bloody annoying.
“Need any help?” I knew he couldn’t stay away from me for long.
“I knew you wanted me Jakey.” I whisper, my attempt at sounding somewhat sexy.
“Seriously Roxanne, you’re still doing this?” He says sighing.
“Doing what sugarplum?” I ask innocently, sliding my fingers up and down his arms. Honestly, normally I’m not like this, but Jake brings out my inner goddess.
I like to call her Candy.
“But I love you.”
“ Seriously Jakey-cake, we would have such pretty babies.”
“OH MY GOD ROXANNE STOP IT.”
Honestly, he may be perfect but that boy sure has a temper. He takes a deep breath and stares at me, “Here’s the deal, I help you carry your bags, you do not speak and everyone’s happy.”
“No buts Roxanne, I either help you or your dragging these by yourself.”
“I love you.”
“ROXANNE?!” He yells turning around to look at me, maybe that was too far? I know Jake’s sensitive, but come on, I would love to have someone tell me they love me on a daily, maybe hourly basis.
Sweet Merlin, this boy is messing with my hormones, he cannot be doing this.
This is abuse I tell you, Jake Thomas is wearing shorts and he is not allowng me to compliment his extremely attrictive backside.
Pure and utter abuse I tell you.
My father will hear about this. (actually he won’t because if my Dad realises that I have hormones he will most likely lock me up in my bedroom never to be seen again.)
“Jake your bottom looks particularly scrumptious in those trousers.”
“ I swear to Circe Roxanne…”
Sweet Merlin he’s bending down, someone get me a camera.
A/N: Did ya like it? Leave a review! Btw, I forgot to mention that I do not always share my views with Roxanne, because we must remember that she is a figment of the imagination and is as nutty as a fruitcake.
Disclaimer: As per usual, I do not own anything!
Thank you to PygmyPuffLover for her help with the chapter <3
“Urgh, I’m so ugly!” Dom whines as she brushes her shiny blonde hair in the mirror beside her bed. Effie rolls her eyes and continued buttoning up her school shirt, while I simply throw her my best ‘wtf’ look.
I love Dom, I really do, she’s a great friend and cousin…but she’s, how do I say this?...Self absorbed.
“Everybody probably thinks I’m the ugliest girl in the whole world!” She yells, placing the hairbrush down, and tying her hair back in a carefully crafted braid. She stares at us, pouting.
“Don’t be ridiculous Dom!-“
“Yeah, you’re gorgeous!”
“Probably the prettiest girl in school!”
We all rush to her defence, comforting her with praise. It’s best at times like these, to simply humour Dominique.
Dom blushes, and faces herself in the mirror, liking what she sees, she blows a kiss at her reflection and turns to face us. She wrinkles her nose at Laura’s skirt, and opens her mouth, probably to mention how she looks like a nun I it.
Which she does, but it’s too early in the morning to have a cat fight.
“Come on pretty girl!” I yell, dragging her and Heather out of the room. Dom huffs as we head out the common room and to the Great Hall.
“I wasn’t going to say anything rude!” She mumbles.
“Of course you weren’t Dommy.” I smirk back at her, rolling my eyes at her mock hurt.
“God Roxanne! Have a little faith!”
I would Dom, really I would, but I’ve know you long enough to realise that while your redeeming qualities: beauty, intelligence and loyalty are very honourable. You are also a major bitch.
I don’t say that to her face of course, I’m not that stupid.
We walk into the Great Hall, and while Dom takes Heather and heads over to the Ravenclaw table, I walk over to the opposite side of the room and make my way to the Gryffindor and place myself between two of my favourite relatives.
The Bopsy twins both stared at me as if to ask ‘why the hell are you here.’
“Hello Lulu!” I greet Louis cheerfully, while helping myself to some toast. Louis blushes bright red.
“I told you to stop calling me that!” He whispers, checking to see if anyone heard my four-year-old-nickname for him.
“Chill your beans cuz!” I laugh, ruffling his hair.
Louis, obviously pissed, puts on his best prefect voice, and replies with a pompous grin, “You know Roxanne, sitting on other tables during mealtimes, is frowned upon.”
Well someone is in a bad mood.
“Actually Louis,” I reply, now putting on my best you-better-not-mess-with-me-I’m-a-Ravenclaw-face. “Inter-house unity is something that is respected by others. Perhaps you should try it?”
Hell yes. Don’t mess with me unless you want to get burned.
“Go away Roxy.” James said tiredly. I frowned but continued to sit there.
“Nice to feel the familial love here guys. But don’t get too cocky, I’m here to talk to you about Quidditch-“
“We booked the pitch on Saturday.” Freddie interrupted, smirking.
“ Uh, no you didn’t.” I glared at him, he knew that Saturday was the only day I could hold practices, I had detention every other week after that for stupid ‘sexual harassment.’
Sometimes I wonder why the world hates me. I’m not a bad person, I’m nice, I work…good, I’m nice to my family!
Ok well not Hugo, but the little guy asks for it.
“Uh, yeah we did.” James said throwing a wink at Freddie.
The two of them were up to something. I knew it.
I could feel my Roxy instincts tingling.
“I specifically asked Flitwick for the pitch this weekend, therefore you are wrong.”
“Foxyyyyy! Come on just let us use the pitch this weekend!” Freddie whined, pulling me under his arm. I wriggled away from him and scowled.
“No! This is not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair Roxanne, deal with it hoe.” Freddie said, in a very bad American accent.
“Did you just call me a hoe?”
“Yeah, what you gonna do about it? Hoe.” He said snapping his fingers in an extremely disturbing z-formation.
“For the sake of our family name, please do not, ever do that again Fredrick.”
Seriously, people already think we’re enough of a screwed up family, I do not need my sixteen year old brother attempting to act like an American Gangsta
“Uh, well I’m not the one put in detention for sexual harassment!” He shot back fierily, fiercely defensive over his alter ego
“Who told you about that!?” I answered, the only people who knew were Dominique, Herman and Hugo, who for some reason was in the room while Flitwick organised the detention…
“HUGO WEASLEY YOU BETTER GET YOUR GINGER ARSE HERE BEFORE I WHOOP OPEN A CAN OF ROXANNE.”
“What! They made me!”
“Come on don’t beat up the little guy Roxy!
“Miss Weasley control your emotions! Please!”
“I SWEAR TO MERLIN IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOUR SCARY SISTER I WOULD MURDER YOU!”
“Oi! I am not scary”
“It was Dominique!” Hugo yelled pointing at her across the hall to which Dom replied by sending a hex his way, which unfortunately, when Hugo ducked, hit Lily, who being the little angsty teenager that she is threw a hex back at Dominique, but missed, and instead hit Molly, who was talking to Lucy, which meant that Molly fell on Lucy who face planted in her porridge.
“You little shit-“
“GOD DAMN YOU HUGO-“
“I am not scary!”
“I WISH I WAS ADOPTED!”
This then resulted in me attempting to strangle Hugo while Fred and Louis try and pull me off him, Lily yelling at Rose who’s yelling at a very scared looking Scorpius who just seems confused.
And then somehow Mrs. Norris III and Heather got in a fight and we all got detention on Saturday.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Josh, don’t you think you should start to maybe do your homework?” I whispered, lecturing Josh about homework is something of a lost cause.
I mean the guy didn’t even know what homework was until he started third year and found what all the loose papers that he used for charming paper airplanes was actually meant to be written on.
If it were not for his stunning Quidditch abilities, I would very much worry for his future.
“No, and I don’t understand why you started to do your homework either, we used to be non-study buddies! What happened Roxanne! You’re like Rose!” Josh said, sulking back in his chair.
Bitch did not just call me Rose.
Seriously? Rose? That’s like the worst insult you could ever give me!
Except calling me Hugo, but that’s like asking for a fight. Josh obviously noticing his mistake, quickly took back his insult.
“Why do you think Dom’s in such a good mood lately?” he asked, nodding his head in her direction where she was sat, flirting shamelessly with her partner, Tom Davies.
“Dunno, probably got some last night.” I said, adding some frog legs to the potion, though it didn’t seem to help much, all that happened was that it turned the colour of shit.
I don’t think Professor Slughorn was aiming for a shit colour.
“You’re so vulgar Roxy.” Josh said, snickering at my comment.
“I’m not vulgar!” I whined. Okay, so perhaps I was not as ladylike as Dominique, but I was not vulgar!
“Who even taught you that word? I thought you didn’t read?” Josh shrugged and went back to whatever the hell he was doing, and I returned to stirring our shit potion.
For the life of me, I will never understand how we both got in Ravenclaw.
“Miss Weasley! Mr. Marshall!” Slughorn, exclaimed as he past our cauldron, his face contorted into a mixture of disgust and shock.
It was pretty funny.
“Poor potion skills, perhaps the two of you should stay behind after lesson.” Slughorn said, patting us both on the shoulder as he headed to the next pair.
“Excellent job Mr. Miller! You and Miss O’Reilly obviously work well together!.” Slughorn praised. “Fifteen house points each!”
Herman shot Josh and I a wink. We scowled and Josh even shot him a hex, not before Herman, blocked it though.
Pompous git, why am I even friends with him.
As the class began to leave the room to head for lunch, Josh and I stayed behind and cleared up our desk.
Stupid shit potion.
“Miss Weasley, Mr. Marshall, I have come to the decision, that if the two of you are to pass your NEWTS next year, you are both in dire need of tuition.” Lifting his head up to look at both of us.
“Seeing as the two of you both need help in specific areas, I have taken to asking for some help, from a few of our fellow pupils.”
Please don’t be Herman. He would never let me live it down if it he had to tutor me.
Oh my god, what if it’s Louis?
Please, let it be anyone but them! I beg of you, please anyone but them!
“Mr. Thomas will be tutoring Mr. Marshall, and Mr. Boot will be assisting Miss Weasley. IS that clear?”
There were several things going on my mind at that moment.
WHY DOES JOSH GET JAKE? DOES LIFE HATE ME, FIRST I LOSE THE PITCH TO TWEEDLEDUM AND TWEEDLE DEE, THEN I FIND OUT I’M FAILING POTIONS AND I’M BEING TORTURED BY A THIRD YEAR, AND ALSO I HAVE A HISTORY OF MAGIC ESSAY DUE IN TOMMOROW THAT I HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED.
MOST OF ALL WHY DOES JOSH GET JAKE? JOSH DOESN’T EVEN LIKE BOYS, HE LIKES DOMINIQUE. WHY DOES JOSH HAVE TO STEAL MY MAN.
“Josh you whore!”
A/N: So I really don’t think this chapter makes sense. I wanted to get it out earlier as well, but I’m sorry!
But thank you so much for the super awesome people who reviewed last chapter you guys are the cooliest, I'm sending you all a huge basket of virtual cookies.
Disclaimer: As usual, I do not own anything, it all belongs to the wonderful Jo Rowling.
Gorgeous chapter image by lilscratchy @tda♥!
“Hey Roxy.” Josh yells from across the table, his mouth full of food.
“What.” I answer, annoyed. My walk back to the castle with Jake had not gone as well as I hoped. It ended with him dropping my bags halfway and running to tell Longbottom, now I have an hour’s detention on Saturday due to ‘Sexual Harassment.’
Seriously, what kind of bull is this? I’m not even five hours into the new school year and I’ve already got a detention!
“Are you going to eat that?” He questions, pointing with his fork at my untouched plate of vegetables. I shake my head and slide the plate towards him as he digs in.
Disgusting, absolutely disgusting, I don’t even know why I hang around with these people.
“Hey y’all!” Dom says as she slides in next to me, oddly cheerful, she must be high or something.
“What’s up with you?” I ask staring at her oddly, seriously I haven’t seen Dom this happy since third year when she found out that Viola Goyle was ill with the measles and she was now lead in the Christmas play.
Not to mention she’s using her American accent which probably means she’s been snogged or something.
And then it hits me.
“DOM YOU DID THE DIRTY!” I yell jumping up and pointing at her, while the whole hall stares at us, McGonagall even sends us a dirty look.
Well sheesh! Try to express your feelings once and a while and the whole damn hall gives you dirty looks.
Perhaps I should do a High School Musical, and sing ‘Status Quo’? I just love muggle television!
“What the fuck Roxanne?” Dom whispers harshly, pushing me back into my seat. I raise an eyebrow at her and stick out my hand.
“No way!” She yells, “There is no way I am giving you any money for that stupid jar.”
I shake my head, and hold my hand out further, she sighs and hands over a galleon, I smirk and put into my pocket. I’ll put it in the Swear Jar later…
“Now.” I say calmly, that’s right- I am Roxanne Weasley, the edge of reason. “ Do you want to tell me where you got that lovely hickey from, or will I have to bring in the big guns.” I say throwing a pointed look at the boys who were having a burping contest with Jay Davies.
“What hickey?” She asks innocently, she begins to eat her food.
Oh no, no, no , no Dom, you do not play the innocent game with Roxanne Weasley. I give her my best ‘bad ass’ look- complimentary of Angelina Johnson, and proceed to stick my finger in mouth and then move it towards her ear.
Her eyes widen at she stares at the finger-of-doom and proceeds to walk away from the table, heading straight for the -gasp- Gryffindor Table. She walks right up to- guess who?- James, Louis and Fred. She then points to me and whispers in James’ ear.
That’s it. I was done for.
Everyone knows that James, Louis and Fred have a soft spot for Dom (I’m not special enough to be protected.)
The boys then send a glare towards me, and I swallow, stopping myself from peeing right there and then, I run over to the opposite end of the Gryffindor table, I sit myself next to Albus and his fifth year friends.
“Can I help you?” Al says, staring at me, confused.
“Protect me!” I yell, trying to hide myself behind him. Al laughs and pushes me away to the other side of the table.
“WHAT KIND OF COUSIN ARE YOU?! EVEN HUGO COULD PROTECT ME BETTER THAN YOU?” I yell, flopping on the floor.
“OI!” Hugo yells, whoops, I guess I never saw him.
Al flips me off, and proceeds to laugh to his friends about what a ‘freak’ his cousin is.
I’ll show them! I’ll show them all never to mess with Roxanne Emilie Weasley!
(Oh my god, I really have to stop referring to myself in third person- it’s really awkward.)
“Will everyone please return to their seats!” McGonagall yells, throwing a pointed glare in my direction. I smile sheepishly, and pick myself off the ground, shuffling back to my seat at the Ravenclaw table, where Herman and Josh sat, still engrossed in a conversation about dogs.
“Now, that everyone is back in their rightful places, let us begin the sorting!” She finishes and the one-by-one the first years each come up. Applause follows each one.
“Abigail Fellows…HUFFLEPUFF” The Puffs burst into applause, I zone out, finally for the first time in years none of my relatives are being sorted, therefore no need to care.
I begin to think about different Quidditch plays, our first match against Hufflepuff is in three weeks and I need to prepare the Quidditch team in time, and I needed to find out who my co-captain was. I hope it isn’t some annoying seventh year- they can be total bitches.
“Pssst! Hermaaaaaaan!” I loud-whisper, throwing my spoon at his head for good measure, he spins around and glares at me, waving the spoon in front of my face.
“Is there any reason why you threw a bloody spoon at my head?” He loud-whispers. I shrug, and he rolls his, eyes.
“Anyway, do you know who the co-captain is for Quidditch?” I ask him, his face splits into a grin, as he leans back in his chair smirking, his brown hair falling into his face.
“Your looking at him” He smiles. I raise my eyebrows, and his smirk grows.
“It’s Josh.” He says, stepping out as the final names are called and we are free to leave.
“WHAT?” I yell after him, but he’s too busy helping the first years, like a good prefect.
Damn you Herman Miller, damn you to Azkaban.
“Hey Roxy, wanna see how many walnuts I can fit up my nose?”
Oh Joshy, you’re like the annoying little brother that I already have. ( I don’t care if Josh is two months older than me, or that I already have Freddie.)
Seriously I love Josh, he’s adorable, sweet and I’m sure one day a lucky lady will be able to call him her husband…
I’m sorry I’m dying with laughter at the thought of Josh becoming a husband.
Anyway, I love Joshy, really, I do! He’s an amazing Quidditch player! It’s just he’s not ‘captain material.’ And to kick James’ and Fred’s arses I really need to have a kick ass co- captain.
And well…Josh cries at Snape’s portrait.
“Everyone to the dorms!” McGonagall yells. I stand up, and Josh and I walk out.
“Hey Roxie,” Josh says wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “Wanna have a race to the end of the corridor.”
I smirk. “Bring it on Joshy-Boo.” To the shock of our fellow pupils we set off in a sprint, running to the end of the corridor. We run around fellow pupils, and I can’t help starting laugh as he pushes over Rachel Clearwater, an obnoxious Ravenclaw prefect. We finally come to halt at the bottom of the staircase.
“I so won that!”
“No way! I did!”
“I’m sorry babes, but you’re sorely mistaken if you think you won that!” He replies, laughing.
“Shut up, my grandma can run faster than you!”
“Yeah, well Dom runs faster than you! He says pulling me into a headlock and ruffling my hair. I push him away and jump on his back.
“Up the stairs horsey!” I say wrapping my arms around his neck.
Ignoring the stairs of surrounding pupils, we slowly make our way up the stairs.
“Bloody hell, you weigh a ton Roxanne!” He said grunting as he made up it past the final three steps. I chuckled as he placed me on the floor, winking.
I love Josh.
We made our way up the spiral staircase finally reaching the outside of the common room. We stood outside the door which held a brass knocker, the shape of an eagle- the Ravenclaw emblem (be amazed by my house pride!).
Josh knocked the knocker and it began to speak a riddle:
Where do vanished objects go?
We both looked at each other and shrugged, “ Into nonbeing, everything.” I answered.
Be surprised at my Ravenclaw nerdiness.
Boo- to the mother fudgin’- yeah.
The door opened up, and we stepped through entering a circular room, decorated in the house colours - bronze and blue.
We walked over to the midnight blue sofas, where Dom sat sprawled on the floor chatting to some fifth years. She saw us coming over and waved us over, as we sat down the fifth years dispersed, in a fit of giggles.
I flopped down and lifted my legs onto Josh’s lap which he proceeded to kick off.
I threw him the finger. He smiled and blew me a kiss.
“Urgh!” I whined. “Dom! Josh is being mean!” I said pointing at him, to which he replied by sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes. Dom stood up and hit us both with a nearby newspaper.
“Bitch.” Josh muttered, rubbing his head.
I sucked in a breath and stuck out my hand, he rolled his eyes and handed me over three galleons.
Seriously, they need to learn not to swear. It’s a vulgar habit.
“Where’s Herman?” I asked, flopping my head back on the chair.
“I dunno, probably snogging some bird in a broom cupboard.” Josh replied, playing with Dom’s hair. She pretended to look annoyed but I know my cousin and call me crazy, but Dominique Weasley was enjoying it.
Bloody hell what is up with her.
“Shut up, Herman would never snog a girl in a broom cupboard, he’s not classy enough that!” I say giggling, as both of them begin to laugh. Our laughter though, is interrupted by the arrival of a certain someone.
“Hey, have you seen Roxanne?” He asks quietly, looking at Dom and Josh, they both look confused as they point to me.
He turns and as he catches my eye, he dies a bit.
“Err, Hi Roxanne.” He says, avoiding eye contact, his brown hair falling into his crystal blue eyes.
“Why hello there baby…” I say in a deep sultry voice, which I was surprised I even had.
Dom and Josh, hit their heads in their palms at my ordinary act of oddity.
I stand up, so that I’m facing him, and as he takes a step back I take a step forward so that I end up chasing him around the common room, to the confusion and laughter of our fellow Ravenclaws.
“HEY ROXANNE, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD STOP CHASING ME?” He yells, as he hides behind a first year.
He wants me.
“Well-“ I mutter, as I push the first year away, backing him into a corner. “If you could’ve just stood still, then I wouldn’t have had to chase you now would I?” I smirk.
Jake stutters, looking anywhere but me, he looks at the floor. I bring my face closer…
“Okay! Break it up!” Says a voice, pulling me away from the love of my life, and to my anger and Jake’s excitement, it happens to Herman.
“WHAT THE FUCK HERMAN?” I yell as Jake backs away, throwing silent looks of thanks at Herman, I on the other hand look like a wild banshee when shown a mirror.
Herman looks amused as he shoos away onlookers, he pulls me over to the couch.
“Well Rox, you looked like you were about to rape the poor boy, right there.” He says wrapping an arm around my shoulder, pulling me in. I push him away, and turn around crossing my arms.
“Roxaaaannee!” He whines “Please don’t be mad at me!” He says trying to pull me in.
“No!” I yell, pushing him away.
“Fiiiinneeee!” He sings, and as Dom and Josh watch in fondly, he jumps on me, and begins to tickle me.
“HERMAN GET OF- AHAHAHA- I SWEAR TO GOD HERMAN!” I yell-laugh. He smiles, and continues to tickle me, I yell and yell asking for help, but everyone either stares and smile, or ignore me.
I swear we Ravenclaws are bitches.
“Promise you won’t be angry anymore!” He says, laughing at my pained expression.
“NO-OH-OHHHHH, OKAY, OKAY!” I sigh with relief as Herman finally stops tickling me and sits me up, ruffling my hair.
“I knew you loved me Roxy!”
“Shut the hell up.”
“I swear to god!”
“But you promised!” He argued, pulling me into a hug. I decided to not to argue, and snuggled in closer. We stayed like that for about half an hour until we were the only ones left in the common room.
I closed my eyes, and laid on his chest, I love Herman.
He’s like this awesome Big Brother.
“Night Rox.” He whispered and pecked my cheek before heading up to the boys dormitories.
“Night Herman.” I replied, heading up. I found my bed and began to prepare, careful not to wake up my roommates- Dom and two other sixth year Ravenclaws, Laura Boone and Effie O’Reily.
“Hey Dom.” I whispered, careful not to wake the others.
I knew she was awake. Dominique Weasley never snores.
“Dommy-Dommy-Boo-Boo!” I whispered, using my wand to poke her. She grunted and turned to face me, her blonde hair falling in her eyes.
“Dom, are you gonna tell me where you got that hickey?” I asked.
“But why?” I whinged.
I’m a whiner.
IMA BEE IMA BEE IMA BEEEEEEEEEE!
I honest to god don’t know where that came from. It must be the lack of chocolate.
“Cause I don’t want to.” She replied.
“BOTH OF YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I GO VOLDEMORT ON YOUR ARSES!” Effie yelled, whipping her head out of her curtains poking her wand at us.
We both fell back onto our pillows throwing each other our best ‘wtf’ looks.
“Well someone’s riding their crimson wave!” I whispered.
“I SWEAR TO MERLIN ROXANNE!”
A/N: Quick update? Hells yeah! Thanks for reading.
And I don’t mean to be a whiner, but… well, Roxanne has a few things she wants to say to you guys.
PLEASE REVIEW! I’M BEGGING YOU! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!
God Roxanne, wait to be a whiner! Gosh! Fictional characters sometimes!
Thanks for reading!
The riddle comes from the harry potter book seven where McGonagall asked the doorknob .
Oh and 'Stick to the status Quo' and High School Musical belong to Disney, I do not own it.
Nothing, nada , zilch.
Chapter 5: Stupid Ice Queens and Quidditch Teams
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Disclaimer: Other than a few OC’s here and there, I do not own a damn thing. Everything, including Roxanne, comes from the lovely mind of J.K Rowling.
‘Can we have everyone where they should be! Beaters to the left , seekers to the right, chasers over her by me, and keepers down there!” I yelled, pointing out each designated area. Call me unorganized when it comes to anything else, but with Quidditch I was like Rose Weasley on steroids.
Ravenclaws surrounded me, some looked as though they were about faint right there and then, other’s looked cocky and ready to fly, a crowd of giggling girls however stood huddled together, giggling and obviously checking out a crowd of fifth year boys opposite them. Fourth years, how I love them and their overactive hormones.
“Hello ladies.” I chirped as I walked over to them, obviously these girls were not here for tryouts but to ogle some blokes. They jumped, startled by my presence. The tallest girl, who looked like a mini Dominique turned to her friends and winked, while stepping towards me.
“Hey there, you’re Roxanne Weasley, yeah?” She questioned, cocking up a perfectly waxed eyebrow.
She knew the answer obviously. It was right there on my Quidditch robes.
I decided to play along. “Why yes I am. Aren’t you a bright little thing!”
“Aha, well you see- I’m Priscilla, Priscilla Snow, and I’m trying out for chaser, my friends are simply here to give support, the other girls nodded their heads frantically. I smiled in understanding.
I did not like this girl. She was far too cocky. “Well Priscilla, I’m afraid that your friends, just like any other pupil who is not trying out- will have to sit up there on the stands.” I replied tartly, bending down to her height, as though to show her who’s boss. “Thank you very much, now if you could go and join the others who are trying out.” She glared and stalked off as her friends headed towards the stand.
Oh yeah, mess with Roxy, she gets foxy.
What the fudge did I just say?
I shook my head and stalked off towards Josh, who was rallying up the beaters. I’d finally forgiven him for the last potions lesson, he gave me this adorable bobble head figure of Oliver Wood.
It’s hard t stay angry when you have Oliver Wood, constantly waggling his head at you.
“ How’s it going?” Josh shook his head.
“Not very well, so far we have on the team are…” He frowned “Josh Marshall Roxanne Weasley and Herman Miller”
Sigh. How depressing, Stupid requirements for seven players on a Quidditch team. “What about Molly? Didn’t she used to play chaser in third year?” Josh asked brightly.
I shook my head. “She’s not taking it on this year. Uncle Percy’s making her concentrate on her studies.” Shame, she was a damn good chaser as well.
Not as good as me though.
“What about Kelly Richards?”
“Foot injury, she’s out the whole season.”
“Maybe, though I doubt she has the time, she’s tutoring first years.”
“ Never mind. Let’s see … there’s a fourth year , Peter Campbell. He’s got great eyes for a seeker, perfect match against Zabini for the Slytherin match coming up.” I listened carefully as he pointed to a small fair haired boy on a broom.
He was perfect. Small. Light, and he has a sharp eye.
“His best record is a minute.” Josh reported. “Next we have Melissa Foster. She’s a fifth year, chaser, and she has fucking speed!” I winced. “Sorry, she’s just fast. Really fast.”
“Good. We need her.”
“ We also have Priscilla Snow. A chaser.” I frowned. “Come on Roxy, we need her! No time for tantrums.”
“Urgh, fine. We keep drama queen. Who next?”
“We have some beaters here, but they’re just our past team. Herman and Jake.”
AND CUE INTERNAL SPASM.
Nyaherditblaaaaahhhhhh JAKE blerghhummmbottom.
Josh watched me with concern. “Or perhaps we could swap Jake for Dominique if you’re going to act like that.”
NOOO DON’T DO THAT!
“Don’t be absurd Josh. I’ll be fine.”
Don’t lie to yourself Roxanne. You’re just going to be watching his arse the entire time.
“Sorry I’m late. Had to meet someone, if you know what I mean.” Herman yelled, his entrance had just interrupted my internal debate. Josh high fived him, obviously understanding what he was referring to.
“Who have you picked out yet for the team?” Herman asked, flipping his hair out of his eyes. I sighed as Josh handed me over the list.
“Well, other than you, Josh and I, we have Jake Thomas.” Herman and Josh both exchanged looks. “Peter Campbell, a first year; Melissa Foster, a fifth year and Priscilla Snow. A snotty fourth year.”
Herman, nodded his head in approval.
“Shouldn’t you guys call them over or something?” He gestured to the crowd of hopefuls staring at us wide eyed. Josh looked to me. I sighed. Better get it over and done with.
“Well, hello!” I began. “I know I’ve not really said very much today and all, but um. I’m sure each and every one of you have done an excellent job.”
“So when we call your name can you come over here?”
“Okay, well… Peter Campbell!” The small boy looked shocked as his peers pushed him forward. He smiled embarrassed, and made his way to where the three of us where stood. “ Welcome to the team Pete!”
“Next!” The crowd silenced. “Melissa Foster!” A tall chipper girl walked forwards, blushing. She wore her mousey brown hair in a long plait, and she donned funky purple glasses. She blushed even further as Josh and Herman welcomed her.
N’awr. She’s cute.
“Priscilla Snow!” I yelled, as the mini she devil, stepped away from adoring groupie/friends. She flipped her hair, and walked straight towards us, ignoring my handshake and instead took a hug from Josh and Herman.
“I’m so glad we’re going to be able to work as a team you guys! I’m sure we’ll have tons of fun this season!”
Yeah. If that fun includes killing my chaser on the before our first match.
“And finally Jake Thomas!” The crowd at this time had dispersed leaving few disappointed first years who obviously believed they would become the next Oliver Wood.
Be calm Roxanne.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Jake walked towards me carefully, as though he was a baby gazelle and I was a hungry lion.
What a perfect analogy our relationship. “Congratulations Jakey- you’ve made the team!” I shook his hand, while doing frantic breathing exercises in my head to keep calm.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Good girl Roxanne.
I watched the rest of the team welcome him over. We were certainly not Gryffindor material, but with a hell of a lot of practice, I think we could go the distance, and maybe win the cup this year.
“Haha, oh Jake! You’re so funny!” Priscilla shrieked out.
That bitch, better watch herself.
“Hey Dom, it says here in Witch Weekly, to attract a boy, you’ve got to act aloof.” I asked, laying on my bed in our dorm.
Dom was sat on the bed opposite painting her nails, her routine before she falls asleep.. “Well, obviously, I mean which guy likes a clingy girl?” She answered giggling, noticing the confusion on my face, she continued to explain. “So here’s the deal Roxy, Jake already knows that you like him- the entire bloody castle knows that you like him, but if you want him to notice you- really notice you; you’ve got to act like you don’t care. That you couldn’t give a shit about Jake Thomas.”
“So if I want Jake to like me, I have to act like I don’t like him anymore?” I asked confused; somehow this didn’t quite add up, though Dom is an expert at this rubbish so it’s best to probably listen to her.
Though, when we were 5 she told me that if I jumped off a tree, I would fly.
Not the best of ideas.
“Dom, one more question. Do you fancy Josh?” I knew I shou She stopped painting her nails for a moment to stare at me. “It’s just that, he obviously fancies the pants off you, but you act like you couldn’t give one, especially when you walk around showing off your hickey.”
Dominique glared at me. Her eyes cold, and calculating, she spoke with such coldness I shivered. “Listen to me Roxanne. Do not get involved in my business. You do not know how I feel.” And with the flick of her wand her curtains where shut, and the lights were out.
I sighed deeply, and fell back on my bed. There was I good reason not to bring up Josh in front of Dominique, she tends to react like this. Now I had to think of how I was going to make Jake fall for me, while acting like I don’t like him.
A/N: Woo, so I’m glad I’ve got this chapter out. I know it’s not as funny as the others, and it’s sort of a filler, but I desperately need it If I’m to move on with the plotline!
Anyway, I hope you have all liked the chapter, and I’d love to hear your thoughts in a reviewJ
P.S. Update may not be for a while, exams and all that shizzle…