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Format: Novel
Chapters: 45
Word Count: 386,117
Status: COMPLETED
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Language, Strong Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, Substance Use or Abuse, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme
Genres: Romance, Angst, Young Adult
Characters: Lupin, Sirius, A. Longbottom, F. Longbottom, Lily, James, Pettigrew, OC
Pairings: Sirius/OC, James/Lily, Snape/Lily, Remus/OC, Other Pairing
First Published: 12/12/2008
Last Chapter: 10/02/2012
Last Updated: 10/02/2012
Summary:Banner Les.Miserables @ TDA
I’m going to die.
And not even in the ‘can’t believe current situation with Sirius Black’ or ‘blackmail coming from all sides’ or ‘evil step mother’ this-is-so-bad-going-to-die sense.
I mean an actual physical, literal ending sort of death.
Dobby finalist 2009, nominee 2011 & 2012. TGS finalist 2012
Heelllo, hello, hello. Welcome to my baby - she's now very very long, as you've probably seen from the chapter/word count and I'd just like to say something before you start, please read this. I started this story a looooonng time ago, and I will not lie - the beginning does leave a fair bit to be desired. When this story is finished, which will be soon, I may well go back and edit all these rusty chapters. So if you're thinking 'Why does this story have so many reviews, when it's rubbish' I assure that when you read on it actually gets quite... good really. If the beginning puts you off, fair pay to you - it would put me off, but if you have a bit more patience - READ ON, it gets better. And don't be put off by this horrifically long authors note ;)
Edit – this is now undergoing serious edits as of the beginning of 2012 (happy 2012 all!). This chapter was beta’d by AccioHPFF) over on the forums.
My father used to say that my mother was beautiful, but I remember her to be plain: brown hair and blue eyes – perfectly average looking. There were no prominent characteristics or anything that truly made her extraordinary – not even a particularly large nose, or protruding ears. Her entire face was constructed of averages, of being just-well proportioned and nothing, nothing at all, that would make you look twice.
He used to say that she was wonderful, amazing, perfect... but she wasn’t. She was just an average person; an average run-of-the-mill wife and mother. That was, until she died. Then all his memories twisted her into something she wasn’t. Then all of a sudden she was stunning and wonderful, and he would stare into the fire and come out with some romantic mush I'd never believe.
He never used to think that she was special when she was alive. It was always yell, yell, yell, argue, argue, argue when I was growing up. A never ending cycle of arguing, making up and arguing again; biting words, sarcasm and swear words muffled by closed doors. Sometimes my little brother and I would sit the other side of the door, straining to hear snatches of something that could help us to understand why they argued so much. Eventually, I found out.
They did always make-up, probably because they knew their time was running out. Running out, and fast. They never let the sun set on an argument but the snatches of domestic bliss never lasted. That was just the way things were. I didn’t know that most families weren’t like that; I just knew that I hated it. I can blame it on stress and pressure and loss now, but back then I thought it was because they hated each other.
I was a daddy’s girl, in those days. I hated the arguments, so I played-up – every child’s natural fallback – which only made them argue more. I didn’t understand, but now I do. Now I understand perfectly.
My life tends to steer around clarity, rather than getting to a point where I can begin to understand. I usually feel like I'm standing on the wrong side of the glass, trying to make sense of it all, yet never seeing the full picture. I suppose that's what life is, a glance of the present, and the future obscured from view - just out of reach. You never understand the context until it is too late.
I found out when I was nine. I had been looking for my Christmas presents - I was never one to abide by rules - and I found a letter from my Aunty May. I was a bright child, and I soon worked out what no one had bothered to tell me. Mummy was dying. And then I knew.
I was so angry that they hadn’t told me, that they’d hidden it from me. I yelled at them, screamed, threw a tantrum and didn’t talk to my dad for a whole week (and, being the daddy’s girl that I was – a week was a very long time).
I didn’t talk to my mum for much longer than that, simply because although mummy and daddy always made up, me and mummy didn’t.
That Christmas eve she died. Before I had the chance to forgive her, she was gone, just like that.
I didn’t cry at the funeral. I was in shock. I had thought that she would die slowly; in a few months, years even, but no. One morning I woke up and she didn’t. She was gone. She couldn’t come back, not for me, not for anyone, even though I begged her too in my head... screaming at her for just a few more hours so I could talk to her one last time.
But she was well past the point of no return when the grief set in.
Slowly, everyone forgot about her. They employed someone else in her job at the restaurant. Dad got re-married and even Johnny, my little brother, calls our new step-mother, mum now.
She was average. She was never special.
My mother was inescapably average: average looks; average job; average personality and an average death. That’s why everyone forgot her - averageness. Anyone can be average, and anyone can replace average.
That’s what I’m most scared of; slipping away in the night before making an impact on the world. I’m scared that no one will remember me when I’m gone.
I’m scared that I’ll just be average.
Average life, average looks, average death, just like my mother.
That’s why I dyed my hair, not to annoy Karen like Dad thinks (that’s simply an added bonus), but so that I stand out, so that I look different. Purple hair isn’t average. I know it isn’t much – it’s verging on pathetic – but that purple hair dye is my last chance.
My time in this world is running out and I want it to be, no, I need it to be more than average.
One thing’s for sure. I won’t be forgotten.
“We’ll have less of that attitude,” My dad said sitting down opposite me, pulling out the newspaper and beginning to read it while munching on his toast. How bloody muggle, then again he was shockingly muggle so after all these years that was hardly a surprise.
“I haven’t got an attitude father,” I said folding my arms over my chest and offering him an exaggerated frown, “I just don’t see why she has to experiment with my breakfast,” I protested giving a pointed look to where Karen sat in all her evil-step-mother glory. She looked down to the floor sheepishly before meeting my gaze again.
“Look, I’m sorry...” Karen began with her stupid red hair hanging round her shoulders (red hair may be pretty, but it’s mutation – so screw you Karen).
“You could have just told me that my breakfast was ready, instead of waiting till it was cold, so you could try out some stupid new re-heating setting out on your toaster which doesn’t even work!”
“Does it really matter if your pancakes are a bit burnt?” Dad said sighing.
“A bit burnt?” I said, holding up the offending article. I understand that in the past I have been prone to melodramatics, and this may have been considered as one of these occasions – but I honestly didn’t even realise scotch pancakes were capable of turning that colour until coming downstairs and watching Karen anxiously trying to butter the ‘pancake’. I was tempted to start trying to sketch with it, it looked so akin to bloody charcoal, “It’s darker than the flaming Black family.”
“Who?” Johnny asked. I scowled at him. What's the point of having a nice conversation filled with extraordinarily witty comments (Lily would have laughed) when none of them even understood what I was talking about? This was one of the many reasons why I detested the summer holidays and any point when I had to be here, in my ‘home’ – yeah, right.
“Well, why don’t you just ask Karen to make you some more pancakes?” Dad suggested, forever trying, and failing, to be the peace maker. To be brutally honest, I didn't want peace with the bunch of loons around the breakfast table. Otherwise known as... My family.
Well, Karen is not my family. We're not related. I share none of her mutated ginger or the ‘burning pancake’ genes. Thank Merlin.
“Well, I would, but there’s none left,” I said moodily. Mostly, I just liked making arguments.
“Well why don’t you have some toast?” Dad suggested, looking up over his newspaper and giving me the classic warning signs. We all knew that this argument wasn’t about pancakes or toasters, this was about the fact that I hated Karen’s guts, the new baby and everything about being forced into this ‘household’ when all I wanted to do was run off back to Hogwarts and pretend I had a nice normal conventional family. Which I was fully planning on doing, in a couple of hours' time.
“BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE TOAST!” I exclaimed angrily standing up from the dinner table. “Guess I’ll just have to starve!”
“Stop being a drama queen!” Dad yelled after me as I stormed up the stairs and sat down angrily on my bed. Karen couldn’t stand mess and therefore I could barely avoid the mess to throw myself on my bed and sulk like the fantastically mature sixteen year old that I am.
Today I was leaving this mess until Christmas; I was free from this house for a whole four months. Naturally I was only trading in messes as my whole life was a great big frustrating mess that nobody could fix.
“Hey sis,” Johnny’s voice came from the door and I grinned at him automatically, “Do you have to be such a pain?”
“I’ll miss you,” I said pulling him into a hug and messing up his hair, “and I know you’ll miss me too,” I said as he tried to push me off him.
“Yeah,” He admitted looking up at me. “I guess I will, nutter,” He said giving me a proper hug, “but I won’t miss the stupid yelling!” Johnny said, his face screwing up for a moment. It was strange to think that this eleven year old was the same kid who used to eat chess pieces and even stranger to come back after each term and find that he’d grown up a little more. I would miss Johnny, especially as I’d been hoping he’d be coming to Hogwarts this year – even if that hope had been gloriously unfounded.
“How’s the girlfriend?” I asked grinning.
“Shut up! She’s not my girlfriend!” He said defensively.
“Awww, why not? Doesn’t she fancy you?” I asked and he scowled.
“I hate you.” He said and I laughed.
“You love me really little bro!”
“I’m not little!” He objected, and I snorted, “Just because you’re jealous that I don’t have to go back to school for another week!”
“Yeah, but I get to do magic, and you get to do science, so...” I began but then I heard voices in my dad’s bedroom, and I quickly pulled him over to the door and we both put our ears to it. I turned to look at him – I know he didn’t remember the days when we used to do this all the time (albeit listening to a different pair of voices) but I most definitely did.
"It can't have been easier for her, with Becky and..."
“I swear most teenagers aren’t this difficult!” I heard dad say and Johnny smirked. We both knew he was talking about me. “Why does she have to still make things so hard!?”
“Yeah sis...” Johnny said and I punched him lightly to shut him up. “OW!” He said loudly.
“Shush!” I said and listened more intently.
“She’s going through a difficult age,” Karen said and I clenched my fists. How dare she insinuate that I'm the one with the problem? Pfft! It's all her fault, storming into my life and expecting me to deal with it like nothing had changed!
“But is she ever going to grow out of it?” Dad asked, “I swear I’ll almost be glad when she’s gone,” He said and I took a sharp breath, “Till Christmas I mean,” he explained hurriedly but the damage had been done.
“See, no one wants you here!” Johnny said clutching his side where I’d punched him. “We all can’t wait till you’re gone!”
“Shut up!” I said angrily.
“No,” He said, “you punched me,”
“And I’ll do it again!” I said demonstrating my point.
“OWW!” He said angrily. “DAD!” He said and I jumped on him, in an attempt to shut him up.
“Mary! Leave your brother alone!” Dad’s voice said sounding angry.
“That’s right, blame me!” I said angrily. “Precious Johnny could never do anything wrong obviously!”
“Your brother is only ten!” He reprimanded me.
“I KNOW!” I pointed out (loudly), “and I’m sixteen!” I said and he winced at hearing my age, “and we all know you can’t wait till I clear off, so why don’t you take stupid Karen and ickle Johnny and beautiful baby Ria and get lost!” I said angrily turning around and storming into my room, slamming the door shut.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Dad screamed – reflex. I opened the door and stuck my head out.
“I’M IN MY ROOM!”
“We need to go,” Karen pointed out and dad sighed angrily.
“Get your stuff Mary, we need to go.”
God, those words couldn’t have come soon enough.
“Bye dad,” I said stiffly giving him an awkward hug. “Bye Johnny,” I said giving him a warmer one; I would miss him even if he was as annoying as hell. Siblings continually brought out the worst in you, it was a fact of life, but sometimes it was nice.
“And?” Dad prompted.
“Bye Becky, bye Ria – the members of my family who don’t love me enough to be here,” I added with an eye roll.
“Give Karen a hug,” Dad ordered stiffly, and I grimaced and hugged her briefly before escaping is quickly as I possibly could, turning my back on them and walking towards the train lugging my trunk behind me.
The feeling of leaving your excuse of a family behind for a whole year is surprisingly not as liberating as you'd expect - a small spasm of sadness went through me but I didn't look back (I wouldn’t give dad the satisfaction – he wanted me gone, after all).
“MARY! Where have you been?” I heard Lily shriek and I grimaced at the sound of my name. It was so average, so boring, so easily slipped into the background. So typical of my mother, of course. Karen’s baby had naturally been blessed with an exciting, exotic pretty name (of my own choosing, actually) but no... My darling mother had named her children Mary and John.
For a second I was surprised that Lily hadn’t commented on my hair (because Merlin knows dad had...) before I realised I had donned a hat to prevent a scene. But after my rubbishy morning, I wanted nothing more than a big scene now. God, all I wanted was to generate a bit of shock for once.
“I missed you!” Lily said, throwing her arms around me. I doubted it very much.
She was very much supposed to be my best friend and for most intents and purposes she was, except it is hard to maintain a close friendship when there is one very large and important lie wedging itself between you. Being a lie, Lily wasn’t entirely aware of the fact that it existed – but as long as it remained that way I was safe from just blurting it out a random moment when she tried to coerce me into the big reveal.
I winced as she squeezed just a little too tight and the fear of my whole body just shutting down came over me but it didn’t, not yet, the doctors said I should have a fair bit of time left unless I was unlucky. And I had been lucky so far. Well as ‘lucky’ as someone who’d been slowly dying since they were three can be.
“So what’s new?” Lily asked after releasing me. I smiled ready to unleash my hair. In my head this had been a scene of great drama and exclamations, and Lily was usually good with that sort of thing (mostly when James Potter was involved). I pulled off my hat and my hair fell around my shoulders in all its purple glory.
There is nothing that a packet of punk hair dye cannot achieve, as long as you disregard that added side effect (or advantage, if you’re trying to piss off your evil step mother) of turning all the white towels a rather lovely shade of lilac.
Lily blinked at me for a very long few seconds, as if not entirely sure what she should say. “It’s very... purple,” She eventually settled on, staring at my hairline looking slightly alarmed.
“Nice observation Lily, it’s good to know your eyeballs are still functioning,”
“Why did you dye your hair purple?!”
“Because it’s unusual,” I said placing my hand on my hip and fighting the desire to go run away. As my supposed best friend I had expected something a little more similar to support and if this was the reaction from her, I could only imagine how –say- the Marauders would react...
“You can say that again!” James Potter said, appearing on the scene with one of his hands already fluffing up his own stupid hair (and his was an ‘unusual’ style if ever I saw one – so he could hardly talk). He glanced at Lily for a second, before turning back to me.
“Because it’s unusual,” I repeated, my gaze passing over all the Marauders, who had come to point at my hair and laugh. Mentally, I’d expected less of the smirking and more of the ‘oh Mary you’re so gutsy for dying your hair bright purple!’ but if I’d been a little more realistic this did seem about right.
“You can say that again!” Remus Lupin put in smirking, and the other’s lips all twisted upwards in the same manner. I crossed my arms again and bit my lip. How much of this was I going to have to endure this year?
“I could, but I’m not a parrot,” I said stubbornly.
“Well, you look like one!” Sirius Black commented and they all laughed. I ignored him and his bunch of loons, what idiots (what beautiful, annoying, arrogant idiots).
“Isn’t that against the school rules?” Lily asked carefully, still staring at the point where my forehead turned to hair, “like... against uniform rules or... something,”
“Probably, but who cares?” I asked defensively. My great big plan, my last chance, was quickly proving itself to be another terrible idea.
“Mary, Mary, quite contrary where does your garden grow?” Sirius sung, smirking. I decided not to ponder over how he could know a muggle rhyme, because Sirius Black had this habit of doing surprising things just so he could stun people. He liked the attention.
“If I had any choice in the matter, it would be growing up your arse, and I would only be growing thistles, nettles and holly,”
“All bark and no bite,” Sirius said, chuckling as he threw his arm around me. I raised my eyebrows at his arm and pushed it off me when he didn’t get the hint, “Awww, Mary don’t you love me?” He said in a mock baby voice. I narrowed my eyes at him to show him to back off. I wasn’t in the mood with him to try out his stupid flirting act this early in the morning (but hey, it seemed like he’d actually learnt my name now).
“No, but I’d love to hurt you right now,” I said picking up my trunk and lugging it on to the train, with the other’s trailing after me. Well, at least that was one positive change. They were following me.
“Oh, come on Mary, we all know you couldn’t do anything remotely violent,” He said following me into a compartment. I dumped my trunk and turned around; there was something in his voice that was challenging me.
"Why not?" I asked surveying them all.
“You’re too nice,” Pete said.
“Too anti-violent,” James added.
“Too Mary...” Remus finished and I snorted.
“Too Mary? Which means?” I asked and Sirius pondered this for a moment.
“You’re sort of average,” He said after a few seconds, and the sentence enraged me, even though I was sure it wasn’t meant to be an insult. Still, the irony of him picking that one word was so frustrating that I wanted to scream (and maybe I just would).
“I’m not average,” I said slowly, my eyes narrowing dangerously. Sirius watched my expression darken and gave off every impression of enjoying it immensely. Git.
“Oh come on, admit it, you’re totally average, I mean you’ve picked up a few good comebacks over the summer, and dyed your hair, but your still average,”
“No. I’m not.”
“Sure,” Sirius said shrugging in a whatever-you-say way which made me even angrier.
“I am not,” I said darkly. His lips curved up into a smirk that Lucius Malfoy would have been proud of.
“Prove it,” Sirius grinned, taking a step into my person space – much too close for my liking – and raising his eyebrows.
That was just so Sirius. He was always looking for something to make things more interesting. In fact, that was the Marauders all over. And by dragging me in to provide me entertainment they were both flattering me with the notion that I could be entertaining to them and annoying me to the point that I wanted to blow their heads off with my wand.
He was still standing that little bit too close and the triumphant smile curving onto his lips was just a little bit too much. So I did the first thing I could think of.
Even though it was really, really stupid.
(I really shouldn’t act on impulse).
I kissed him and then, before he had a chance to push me off him, question my sanity and laugh at me (all things that Sirius Black would just love to do, believe me), I aimed with my knee... and then he was sprawled out on the seat of the compartment clutching his parts.
Then I sat down feeling mildly pleased with myself.
Until I looked out of the window and realised we’d just pulled out of the station and I’d lost my chance to drink in the image of my dad waving goodbye, despite everything, and Johnny straining his neck to see which compartment I was. I deflated and bawled my hands up into fists.
Damn Marauders.
“Was that really necessary?” Remus asked looking at Sirius’s pathetic form still splayed out on the floor, “his whimpering is distracting me from my reading,”
“He was asking for it,” I said glaring at him, “and shouldn’t you be at the prefect’s meeting?” I asked glancing down at the badge pinned onto his robes.
He swore loudly before running out of the compartment. I stood up after he had left and grabbed my trunk which still sat in the middle of the compartment.
“So this was nice, we should do it again sometime,” I said sarcastically pulling my trunk out the compartment, “but for now...places to be, people to see...” I said flicking my purple hair with a wonderful air of drama. Average? Pfft.
I pulled my trunk into the toilet and locked the door. I turned around and took a moment to breath with my back against the door. Average. The people here thought I was average (not even just people, the Marauders – my classmates). Average means boring. Average means easily forgotten. Nothing extraordinary.
I was just Mary; quite quiet, reasonably smart, average looks, average everything. Average.
Everything about my time at Hogwarts had been average. Average grades, average friends, I’d even dated a Marauder for an average amount of time – the only thing extraordinary thing would be that I would die before my time here was over.
I would die and no one would care, they’d forget about me and when they looked back at the photo’s they wouldn’t know who I was. I’d always just be me; too Mary, too average.
Angry tears burst from my eyes and fell down my face. I hated myself for the fact that I was crying, but there’d already been far too much going on today and we’d only just pulled out of the station. I allowed myself five minutes of pathetic weeping before making use of the train’s plentiful supply of toilet roll to mop up my mess of a face.
I pushed my hand through my purple hair and looked at my reflection. My skin looked even paler with the purple hanging around my face in a shiny curtain.
Unavoidably average. But that was the old me. She’s dead now, like the new me will soon be. I’m sixteen; today I had four arguments with my family; I kicked my schools most wanted guy where it hurts; I headed off to my wizarding boarding school; revealed my new purple hair and I’m going to die before I’m out of my teens.
That’s not average. And if it is, then Merlin help the world.
Edit – this chapter has now undergone the 2012 edit! This chapter was beta’d by the lovely mangagirl :)
Also, I'm answering all reviews now we're in 2012 and it has become possible again. So I'd LOVE a couple of things to answer :)
“Oi, you,” Black said stepping into the hall with his Marauding mates behind him, his haughty arrogance reeking from every pore. I smiled sweetly in acknowledgement before turning back to Charlotte Jones who was telling me about her summer (basically she had dated her way through all the guys in her village then gone to Spain and done the same thing there; fascinating stuff). Sirius sat down on my other side. I turned my back to him. After years of classes with him, I know full well that he was an attention-junkie.
I’d learnt young not to feed people’s addictions.
He tapped me on the shoulder and then I couldn’t ignore him because that would be rude. “Yes?” I asked pointedly, relishing in the slightly confused expression that graced his face. Naturally, being Sirius, he was so entirely used to people either respecting him or blinking their pretty little eyelashes and giggling. Well, I didn’t giggle: when I laughed, I bloody snorted.
“You,” Sirius said darkly, “are a murderer – you killed my future children,”
“Doubtful,” I muttered in return.
“I’m sorry?” Sirius asked, narrowing his eyes at me.
“Please, who’d want to have children with you? I’ll admit you’re not terrible to look at, but arrogance, immaturity and stupidity aren’t the most desirable characteristics if you’re looking to reproduce. Sure, it could happen by accident – but I don’t know anyone who’d risk it,” I finished, feeling my face flush with the satisfaction of the insult. It felt good, even though his face remained impassive. He looked at me carefully (still that little bit too close) trying to read my face – as if I had to have some sort of reason to tell him he was a jerk.
“What’s happened to you?” Peter asked, also labouring under the delusion that you had to have a reason to insult Sirius Black.
“Enough,” I commented dryly, thinking of my Mum, Dad, Karen, the events of the summer and dying. I folded my arms over my chest and looked to Lily, who too was watching me carefully.
“You’ve changed,” Remus said. I smiled at that. It was working, at least. My big plan. My transformation.
“And I’m not average.”
“I didn’t mean to offend you!” Sirius said defensively, holding up one of his hands. I snorted again.
“Well, maybe you should try thinking about other people for a change,” I said stiffly, looking up at the staff table distractedly. Sirius raised his eyebrows at me, challenging to go onwards (like I said – attention-junkie, even the fact that I was taking the time to insult him was feeding his inflated ego), “I mean... if you realised that you’re not actually superior to every man, woman, child in the world – even if you could get it into your thick skull that one person was that little bit more important than you, then maybe you wouldn’t ‘accidentally’ offend people by opening your fat mouth.”
“So you’d be that one person, would you?” Sirius asked disdainfully, exchanging an amused look with James.
“Should have known it was too much to ask from a Black,” I spat. That was the magic word, because then his eyes were darkening to a more dramatic colour - akin to an approaching storm rather than the usual crisp grey, “You thrive on your superiority complexes.”
“I am not a Black,” Sirius muttered, so low that I could barely hear him. Now that I’d gotten to him I was fully planning on digging my nails in the wound until it hurt. It served him right; I didn’t have to be the only one in the world who was hurting.
“Different breed, same species,” I returned, flipping my purple hair out of my face and leaning towards him unconsciously, “insulting people? Check. Former mentioned superiority complex? Check. Prejudice? Check...” Sirius looked about he was about to speak for a second, “Slytherins, anyone younger than you, anyone who you think is a little less cool... I mean, if they’re not one of your big chummy mates then they’re not worth your time of day, right?”
“You don’t know anything about me!” He said angrily. I’d gotten him angry, bloody hell – this was marvellous.
“And you don’t know anything about me! Or the Slytherins or the people younger than you. Yet it’s just fine to use them for your entertainment, right?”
“I know all I need to know about them,” He said darkly.
“Then I know all I need to know about you too Sirius Black! You are an arrogant, selfish, big headed...”
“No I’m not!” Sirius spat, no longer glancing at his mates to shared amused glances. This time, I’d got to him.
“Whatever you say, Black,” I said as if this wasn’t going down as one of the greatest moments of my life.
“Don’t you Black me!” He said angrily, “I am not Black! My own mother hates the fact I’m in Gryffindor so much that-”
“That must have been really hard for you,” I said sarcastically.
“Because I’m not like them!” He said interrupting me as speaking as though this was a great revelation that I was supposed to be shocked by. That was what annoyed me, the fact that he thought I wanted to hear what he had to say...
“Well you sure act like it,” I said underneath his words. His face coloured a little. Internally my lungs were doing the conga in celebration.
“My family hates me,” he said, his eyes imploring me to feel sorry for him (puppy eyes? Jesus, he’s the limit). I wasn’t going to. I was through with that.
“I don’t care,” I said flatly and his expression faulted. “So everyone brought the sob story before now?” I asked sweetly.
“Wh-” he began.
“You’ve never done anything to earn my respect and so I’m not giving it to you,” I said, turning back to my dinner even though the excitement of this whole little encounter had taken away all my hunger. At last I had some small revenge - I had gotten to him.
“But I’m a Marauder,” Sirius began.
“Which is why, Sirius, I’m not going to give you any more attention. For some ridiculous reason, you get enough of that,” I turned back to the front, and Lily, tuning into the last few seconds of Dumbledore’s speech before it came to a close.
In my head I was still insulting him. You play pranks on innocent people, break people’s hearts and act superior! You disgust me! Sure, you might everything handed to you on a tarnish silver platter, but that doesn’t mean everyone in the world has to be impressed by your personal dose of angst.
“Mary, you’re muttering,” Lily said, elbowing me in the side and glancing unsurely at that Marauders, “and what is going on?” I shrugged.
“Your best mate’s gone psycho, that’s what’s going on,” Sirius muttered, loudly enough for several people to hear him – capturing the attention of a couple of the seventh years. Normally I would have blushed, but this was the all new me; I didn’t blush, so I just smiled at them sarcastically and tried to be cool.
Being cool would have been so much easier if I hadn’t been wearing the most uncomfortable underwear in the world. Karen brought them for me on my sixteenth birthday; they had glittery number sixteen’s on that itched like they were full of bullbadox powder.
How impractical anyway. It means I can only year them for a year (if I live that long) before I have to get rid of them. She obviously thinks that as my mother is dead I need a female presence in my life to by me underwear.
Well, I don’t.
One of the abilities I have mastered in my sixteen and a half years is buying underwear and really, it's not that difficult. Most people can manage it. Some people, like Charlotte, admittedly end up buying pieces of string and wearing them as underwear... but most people get by just fine.
I tried telling this to my dad and he said that as I had brought the same underwear each year (with the respectable age on) since I had hit my teens (I burnt the old pair on my birthday) that he wouldn’t believe it when I said I didn’t like them. I told them that they were uncomfortable and he just laughed and pointed out they were made by the same company as the last six pairs.
Then we argued. We always argue. Like he and mum used to.
“McDonald....?” James said in a sing song voice, leaning over Sirius to talk to me. I guessed this had more to do with Lily on my other side than me.
“Trying to think, here,” I muttered.
“Yeah, but you should probably be trying to eat,” He said. I blinked and looked down at the table, noticing the food there for the first time. James smirked and they all exchanged looks at my stupidity. Now they had the upper hand again. It had only take a twenty minute daydream and I was back in the loser’s seat.
“Can you believe we have to do team building?” Charlotte Jones, string underwear-wearing extraordinaire, her slightly rounded face pouting slightly. She and her friends Alice and Rachel had sat opposite Lily and I – a rare display of sixth year Gryffindor unity.
“What?” I questioned.
“You really did shut off,” Remus said with a smile, “we now all have to do team building once a week,” He explained from opposite James, “and Physical education,” He added and my eyes widened in horror.
“Eww.” I muttered, weighing this up in my head. I’d see the kit on my sister enough times to know that this was one of the worst things that could possibly happen to Hogwarts.
“Didn’t you read your Hogwarts letter?” Remus asked carefully.
“She was too busy dying her hair ridiculously colours, deciding on which would look the stupidest for when she came back to school,” Sirius said sarcastically. I turned to look at him. Usually teasing from Sirius was more or less akin to flirting (oh, stop it! Stop being so mean Sirius!) but this time I could hear the resentment clouding up his normal easy tone. I had gotten to him and inside he was still smarting from the blow.
“Nope,” I said lightly, turning to look at him again, “or I would have settled on your hair colour and have done,”
Sirius narrowed his eyes, invading my personal space again – he was probably trying to add a little drama. Or thought that if he stuck his face close to mine I might get dizzy and faint or something. “You’re so funny,” he said, “that I forgot to laugh,” then he returned to aggressively eating his steak with relish.
“I do try,” I said dryly, “so, are we meant to have brought some sort of P.E. kit?” I asked fearing the worst as I addressed my dormates. Lily nodded looking rather sick, “let me guess, really short, Lycra shorts?” I asked. Her nod sealed all of our dooms.
“In our house colours,” she added, her pretty face twisting into a grimace.
“As in, bright red, tight, short, Lycra shorts.” Rachel Moss added shaking her head in disgust.
“And a gold, thin, freezing, T-shirt.” Her friend Alice Prewett added.
“Bloody hell.” I said disgruntled.
“Agreed,” Charlotte said, picking up her glass of pumpkin juice and taking a sip, “ridiculous,” she added, setting her glass down and glancing idly at the ceiling.
“Lycra?” Sirius questioned with a smirk.
“Such a prick,” I muttered.
“Cheer up,” he said grinning, facing Rachel and Alice opposite, “at least you’re not in Hufflepuff... and red is very flattering,”
“Not on me,” Lily said sighing, “Red and gold clash with my hair, ginger hair goes with nothing,”
“Lily, you go with everything!” James said immediately, “but you’d definitely go best with me,”
“And so, it begins,” Lily said, turning her back on James and talking to Alice across the table – making a point not to acknowledge his presence for the rest of the meal. I watched her with a smile; I liked the familiarity of all of this. It made things seem okay.
“Damn,” James muttered, clenching his fist on the table.
“I thought it was a good line,” Sirius drawled.
“Very witty,” Remus added approvingly.
“Maybe next time?” Peter suggested – the dialogue switching between them as easily as breathing. It was strange; I detested them slightly less whenever I was privy to snippets of private conversations. They were more human, perhaps, when the existed together.
“God I feel rough,” Remus muttered, tapping his knuckles on the side of the table.
“This’ll help,” Sirius said, “second from the left on the staff table,”
“Damn,” James said appreciatively, glancing at Lily as if to see some sort of jealous reaction from her. I doubt she’d even heard him speak.
Unwillingly, I glanced towards the front of the Great Hall where the staff table stretched out. It wasn’t difficult to know who they were talking about.
“Who is she?” Peter questioned.
“Well, as we’re only short of one teaching position, I’m guessing that would be our new defence against the dark arts teacher,” I said sarcastically.
“You checking her out too, Mary?” James grinned.
“Or it could be the new physical education teacher,” I finished, disregarding James’s conversation completely.
Sirius snorted. “Come off it; physical education? It’s got to be a man,”
“Sexism? Check.”
“Sod off,” Sirius said with an eye roll, “Defence, for sure,”
“PE,” I retaliated.
“You suggested Defence in the first place,” James pointed out.
“She just gets a kick out of disagreeing with me,” Sirius said lightly, “and being absurdly wrong as well, apparently,”
“We’ll see,” I said, folding my arms, “the puddings gone so I suspect Dumbledore will be introducing her as the new PE teacher right now,”
“Shut up and we’ll know then,” Sirius said, looking at me for a long moment before tearing his eyes back to the front.
“Now you’re all filled with enough food and gossip to listen to me for another few minutes, I would like to introduce you to our new head of physical education; Professor Quigley,”
“And the award for the most sexist misinformed brute in Hogwarts goes to... Sirius Black! Would you like to do your acceptance speech now, or later?” Sirius scowled darkly.
“-She will also be doubling as our new defence against the dark arts teacher!”
“The spoke too soon prize goes to... Mary! The purpled hair freak!”
“I still won, you jerk,”
“How did you?” Sirius demanded, “You’re wrong!”
“So are you.”
“Her fiancé, Mr Peacock is the new Healer in the hospital wing,” Dumbledore continued at the front of the hall. My eyes widened slightly and I completed blocked out Sirius’s ‘witty’ retort because this was... big news. Nate was my Healer who’d given my countless checkups in the past and, more than that, after the amount of time I’d spent in hospital we’d become friends.
And he was hot.
“Just look at her!” Rachel whispered, “bet her fiancé’s tasty,” She added with a conspiratory look to Charlotte.
“Or a complete horse,” Charlotte returned, “that’s usually how it goes,”
“Let’s go before the crowd control starts,” Alice said, standing up almost as soon as Dumbledore had dismissed us. The Marauders were up even faster and wound up being the first of many to escape through the wide double doors, leaving a disgruntled Lily gaping at her fellow Prefect’s back.
“What do I do now?” Lily muttered, wringing her hands and glancing at the group of first years bobbing around amongst the sea of Gryffindors moving towards the exit.
“What’s the password again?” Charlotte asked, raising an inquiring eyebrows.
“Yeah, sure – fine. Don’t help,” Lily muttered, “get the password off someone else, I need to...”
“Don’t worry, she told me earlier.” Rachel said,
“Bye,” I said to Lily helplessly before trying my very best to get as far away as possible so I didn’t wind up helping her out.
Everyone and the Fat Lady had something to say about my hair. Mostly, it wasn’t receiving a very positive response – there was a great deal of pointing, that was certain, and a fair amount of people asking the humungously significant why (to which I replied a very insignificant ‘cause I felt like it’ which hardly got people to warm to me). Either way, I was being talked about by the younger students heading up to bed, yawning and full of Hogwarts food. The older students were hanging around the common room and catching up with their classmates but, I noted, the Marauders were conspicuous only in their absence.
Which meant my only source of entertainment for the evening – bothering Sirius some more – had most likely already gone to bed. Very disappointing on all accounts, it wasn’t even ten o’clock and they appeared to have hit the sack (either that or were participating in some Marauder ritual – the group had a nickname, for Christ’s sake, they could be doing just about anything).
So now what was I supposed to do? I was sitting with Rachel, Charlotte, Alice and a few girls from the year below who were quite happily gossiping, but I’d lost the thread of the conversation and couldn’t bring myself to care about the love lives of a bunch of fifteen years olds. I could go to bed, but I wasn’t tired yet, and whenever I went to bed I always got that feeling that I’d wasted a whole day. The feeling had only increased lately as the number of days I had left decreased (although there was a decisive amount of ambiguity about how much time my timescale did have – but I think I’d rather not have a ‘death date’ scribbled in my diary somewhere. Could put a real dampener on some of my plans).
I couldn’t do any work considering we hadn’t started any yet. Due to the abysmal summer holiday I’d actually done all my holiday work and getting ahead seemed a little too pathetic. I could unpack, but where was the fun in that?
Or I could go and visit Nate in the hospital wing, which got two things done at once; I could have my check-up, and see an old friend. Perfect.
I turned around and headed back towards the portrait wondering whether I could sneak out without too many people’s attention, but the portrait had just opened once more to reveal a swarm of tiny eleven year old first years, bursting through the portrait hole and seeping into the common room with excessive ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ which generally indicated they’d all be milling around ‘exploring’ for a good twenty minutes. It also meant the arrival of Lily, the flustered chaperone.
“Boys, up those stairs, second floor on the left. Girls up those staircases, second floor on the right,”
“Where does it go, ginger?” A really short kid asked pointed to this girl who had an unfortunate resemblance to someone who might belong to the opposite gender with her short hair and harsh jaw line.
“With the rest of the boys,” Lily said tiredly. I winced for her.
“I’m a girl!” She said and Lily groaned.
“Look, I am so sorry!” She apologised quickly, “I didn’t mean...” She began, but the girl had already run up the stairs and I had the feeling she was crying. Poor thing. It’s never nice to be referred to as the wrong gender on your first day of school, especially not by someone as horrendously pretty as Lily.
The rest of the first years followed suit (apparently losing interest in the common room when there was a crying girl/boy involved) and flooded up the stairs, blocking it to everyone else; stupid annoying midgets.
“Arggh, I am such a failure!” Lily said sinking down onto the sofa. I badly wanted just to run away and go and see Nate, but I felt bad. I’d already left her to go deal with the First years on her own (although that was fully Remus’s fault, rather than mine) and that didn’t seem to have gone too well.
“You’re... not a failure?” I suggested, slumping down next to her and sort of tapping her arm. Lily wrung her hands again before shaking her head and beginning what was sure to be a very long list of complaints.
“All the little children hated me, and I had absolutely no control over them! And Remus disappeared somewhere, so I was all on my own and I couldn’t do it. My sister won’t even talk to me! And then I saw... Severus earlier and I just...” And then she brought her hand up to her face and sniffed loudly, “oh, God Mary!” Lily exclaimed, “this is just... the worst September first ever.”
“I cannot believe you kicked Sirius Black in the crotch,” Rachel said excitedly, I rolled my eyes at the ceiling for a second and contemplated what I could say in response, “what was it like?” she added.
“I thought you had a crush on him,” Charlotte said bluntly, lying on her front as she painted her nails and looked up at me, assessing me slightly.
“Erm, no,” I said, staring hard at the floor for a few long moments before glancing back up. Instead of visiting Nate I’d been cohered into retelling the fateful story, as one of the fifth years had mentioned it to them and now they were just desperate to know.
“Yeah you did!” Rachel said, “I remember,”
“No.” I answered simply.
“You did! Because I remember when he...”
“That was last year!” I said feeling annoyed. Lily laughed and Alice sent me a small smile. It was midnight and I just wanted them to all fall asleep so I could go and see Nate, but Charlotte was still expertly painting her nails and Rachel wasn’t even in her pyjamas.
“Didn’t he like snog you in a broom cupboard at some party?” Charlotte suggested, an expert smirk already arranged on her features as I sighed irritably.
“That’s right! And then the next day he got your name wrong!” Rachel added.
“That wasn’t me,” I said with gritted teeth.
“It was!” Charlotte said and I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head. “He called you Amanda!”
“In fairness, Amanda is pretty similar to Mary,”
“No it damn well isn’t!” I said angrily. “Now all of you shut up, I need some sleep.”
“Fine,” Rachel said, rolling off her bead and grabbing her pyjamas, “but you’re finishing telling the story tomorrow,”
“There is no story!” I called after her as she disappeared into the bathroom. Charlotte carefully screwed the lid back on her nail varnish and stretched them out before looking back up at me.
“With Sirius there’s always a story,” Charlotte said, “night,” She added, pulling back her curtains with a fabulous degree of finality. Charlotte always did posses the power to be dramatic.
“Hey Nate,” I said, stepping into the Hospital wing and grinning at him. He looked up from one of the beds and grinned at me, feigning shock as he registered my presence, “why didn’t you tell me you were coming to work here?” I asked; hand on hip as I watched him. Nate had been more of glorified nurse than a Healer when I’d met him and after a couple of weeks of simply taking blood test we’d ended up talking. Years later, we’d become penpals, developed a sort of sister-brother relationship (not that I didn’t have enough siblings for a lifetime) and he’d wound up better qualified and a specialist in, well, essentially me.
“Wanted it to be a surprise, but I guess the jokes on me. It’s nearly the morning, Mary, what the hell are you doing out of bed?” He was right. My plans of a late night visit were ruined by my weak body, but I’d woken up around five and snuck downstairs – doubting even if Nate would be awake. The light streaming in from between the Hospital wing blinds meant that I could just see a few lumpy shapes in the beds on the far corner. Already, it seemed, Nate had patients.
“Long story,” I said brushing it away, “I meant to come earlier, but my dorm-mates put me to sleep...But this is so great! Writing letters is such a drag,” I said, sitting down on one of the spare beds and looking up at him, “how come you’re here?” I asked, “why would you come to Hogwarts?”
“What do you think?” Nate asked, rolling his eyes, “I followed you. As you’re essentially my own patient, I might as well be useful to you. So, how are you Maz?” He asked and I grinned at the nickname; one embarrassingly out of date Healer’s attempt to ‘connect with me.’
“Just great Naz,” I said unable to pull the grin off my face. For the first time since being her I was about to have a friend at Hogwarts who knew the truth about my situation. It would be nice.
“Maz?” I heard a voice that I could only hope not to recognise. “Are you being serious?” He said, and then I couldn’t try and convince myself this was just a nightmare. I’d heard that voice often enough in the past twenty four hours to be acutely aware of who it belonged to.
“Nope, you’re Sirius,” Nate said a smile playing on his lips – I suppose given he’d just met him he hadn’t tired of the pun yet, but I could Sirius was mentally grinding his teeth, “so you two know each other then?” He asked.
“Unfortunately,” Sirius said, beating me to it.
“What are you doing here?” I asked and he pointed to the bed next to him. I strained my neck and was just about able to recognise a pale looking Remus and blanched when I received a glimpse of how truly ill he looked. Then again, Sirius didn’t look as wonderful as he usually did.
“What... what happened?” I asked shakily, stretching my neck to take another look.
“Keep your nose out of it,” Sirius said, shifting around in his own bed and stretching out his arms.
“So you’re just keeping him company?” I asked.
“McDonald, just because you’re not a nice person doesn’t mean we’re all terminally selfish.” I tried not to wince at the world ‘terminal.’ Nate, however, was acutely aware of the implications of the word and shifted uncomfortable.
“Will he be all right?”
“Ask the Doctor,” Sirius said, folding his arms and shifting his pillows.
“Whilst you’re here Mary, I’ll take your blood test,” Nate said, disappearing into the supply cupboard and immerging slightly later with a couple of potions and a needle.
“Why do you need a blood test?” Sirius asked.
“Keep your nose out of it,” I retorted sharply, looking away from Nate. Blood tests were horrible things even without watching it happen, but Sirius didn’t look away. I sent him a look.
“I’m waiting,” Sirius said, “What’s with the blood test?”
“I have a weird blood condition so I have a blood test taken every week to see how it’s affecting me for research.” I answered. Nate raised his eyebrows at me, quite clearly disapproving of the lie, before taking the sample back into his office and doing god know’s what with it.
It is not really a blood condition. It is simply a condition that makes my body deteriorate at a very fast rate without many obvious outward symptoms. Every single body dies eventually; mine is just simply dying faster than everyone else’s. Whereas it takes most people eighty years before they are weak and vulnerable, older for most wizarding folk, it will take me less than twenty years before I can no longer liver. It is still not fast: one single cell at a time. But inevitably, I will die. And there is nothing that anyone can do about.
And Nate? He doesn’t agree with lying. He doesn’t understand that the only way not to be dying is to lie and that even if I wanted to; I couldn’t tell him the truth. I wouldn’t be able to break the secret after such a long period of time. How do you tell someone that you’re dying? My mother, for example, never did.
I can reserve my right to a confession when I am ready.
And although, I’d really like to see Sirius’s face when he found out; he probably wouldn’t believe me if I dropped the big ‘D’ bombshell on him as an answer to a simple question. Because I’m dying Sirius, and do you think I’m average now?
Except if I don’t tell everyone then once again my life will be on repeat. The roles will have reversed but the story will be the same; I will be the dying parent, and Lily will be me – confused and hurt because I never told her about death.
I wouldn’t let that happen. I’d tell them all before I died.
But then, I should be dead already, what if it happened tomorrow?
“You should go back to bed Mary, lord knows you need your sleep,” Nate said, glancing as the sky turned bluer, “I’m here all year, so... plenty of time.
“Okay,” I muttered, seeing Sirius’s eyes bore into me from the other side of the room. I stared at him for a long moment and thought about things.
Everyone needs someone in their life to make them feel like shit so they don’t get big-headed and arrogant.
I’ve had plenty of those people in my lives, so I was good in that department. But Sirius Black? You could feel the arrogance radiating off him from several miles away and after yesterdays wonderful successes, I was going to do him the great favour of becoming that person. I’d make him feel like shit and I’d make him lose faith in humanity. Sure, there wasn’t much chance of reducing his ego to normality, but there was a small chance that with my newfound powers to get to him I could turn him into less of an egotistical tosser. I would consider it my gift to humanity. It was possibly one little area where I could make a difference; because I, Mary McDonald, am tough and powerful.
Or at least, I will be.
2012 edit, beta’d by the lovely Snapdragons!
Thanks for all your reviews so far guys, believe me when I say that I’ve read and appreciated every last one of them :)
I'm now officially back to answering every single one of them (or you can feel free to yell at me and what not), and you know how you want to make AC a very happy author indeed by reviewing her shiny-new-edits? Hmmm? Hmm. Thanks for reading guys!
It had been a stupid idea to wake up early with the intention of looking nice for the first day back at school, because now I was propping myself up with my elbow and blinking repeatedly to try and stay awake.
An hour earlier than necessary, I’d dragged my sorry body out of bed and stumbled into the shower. I could’ve had a whole hour extra in bed; sure, my hair may not have been as clean, my eyelashes not as long, my foundation not as perfect and such things, but who cared? Really, when weighed up against sleep, my appearance should have had little pull. I guess it was a mark of how vain I was. Alternatively, how stupid I was because the second I looked in the mirror, it became apparent that it was going to make no real difference due to the big bags under my eyes, and the fact that they were watering slightly from sheer levels of fatigue. Oh, the woes of being a teenager.
I used to be able to go to sleep around four and get up at six. I guess I’m weaker now.
“Sleepy?” James muttered, although he could hardly talk, due to the fact that his whole face seemed to be drooping somewhat with tiredness. I couldn’t even be bothered to tell him that.
“Uh huh.” I mumbled, forcing myself to eat more toast but finding it difficult to use up my little remaining energy on something like toast. Whilst toast was actually my preferred breakfast choice and I actually only had an aversion to the stuff when annoying-Karen was involved (I never claimed to be a nice person), it seemed to be one of those morning when eating didn’t seem like a particularly efficient way to energise.
“Well, you shouldn't have visited your little boyfriend then,” Sirius said. The result of this statement was sure to be attractive – choking on my toast and laughing (with a snort added).
“Boyfriend? Did you miss when he was introduced as Professor Quigley’s fiancé?”
“You don’t seem the type to be bothered,” Sirius said idly. “Who am I to judge?”
“Precisely,” I muttered. “Who are you to make stupid assumptions? He’s my friend.”
“Well,” Sirius continued, not looking tired at all. “How come you didn’t recognise his fiancé then? If you’re such good friends?”
I had no answer to that. Maybe, to me, Nate was my friend – but, in reality I was just one of his patients that he was relatively fond of. Of course I’d never met his fiancé. Heard about her, yes.
“See? I thought so,” Sirius said triumphantly, flicking a flake of cereal at me to visually demonstrate his victory. Prat.
“Well, don’t push yourself too hard,” I muttered. “Thinking is a big step; don’t push yourself too hard this first time. You want to stagger it.”
“Are you implying I’m stupid?” His face flushed slightly as he asked.
“Implying? Sorry, was I not clear enough? I meant to call you stupid outright.”
“What’s your problem McDonald? Because my patience is beginning to run out.”
“Good,” I spat out, “and I’m not the one with the problem.”
“Right,” Sirius scoffed, turning around to look at his friend for support. “Let me know when you’ve decided to stop being irritating.”
“This isn’t about me!” I spat angrily. “My problem, I’m being irritating – God, Black, take responsibility for your own crap. I’m fed up of having people like you walking around like you’re better than me. It’s never about me, right? It’s about you with your cocky swagger and your charm and your bloody superiority. You’re not getting away with it anymore. You’re not that hot.”
“You can hardly talk!” Sirius was ready to return fire. “Just because you’ve decided you don’t want to be yourself anymore – a nice normal person – and have gone through some stupid re-vamp and are just expecting everyone to accept it. Your hair looks ridiculous.”
“I know it looks ridiculous!” I snapped back. “And you should know that isn’t a bearing on your opinion, but it’s actually what I intended.”
James elbowed Sirius, causing both of us to look up and see McGonagall distributing the timetables. Sirius fell silent, sending me a calculated look before ignoring me in favour of talking to Peter.
My timetable was dropped in front of me and I scrambled to pick it up, wondering what tortures I would have to suffer through today. I traced my finger down Wednesday’s column and felt my heart sink slightly.
Double potions, P.E., Muggle studies, Team building, Double Transfiguration.
The rest of the timetable seemed almost as bad and the only good thing seemed to be that this was only a three day week, or else it seemed prudent to speed up the process of dying and jumping in the Black Lake.
Okay, maybe that was a tad melodramatic. But with Sirius around, clouding every corner and continually making me more and more angry, it seemed like this year was going to be really difficult.
“Let’s see,” Lily said and leant over my shoulder to see my timetable.
“I want to see,” Charlotte said, pulling the parchment out of my hands. Rachel and Lily gathered around too. I hadn’t thought that any of them would be interested enough in something to do with my life that they’d actually want to see it, but I wasn’t going to complain (well, I probably was – but that could be saved till later).
“Could I have a look?” Alice asked me and I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t bother being polite, just grab it while you can, it’ll be ripped to shreds in a minute.” I said and she offered me a shy smile before joining the huddle.
“Something interesting?” Sirius questioned.
“A picture of one of us, perhaps?” James added, from the other side of the table.
“Probably,” Sirius confirmed, plucking the piece of parchment of Charlotte’s hand and holding it above their reach – damn summer growth spurts, they were all taller than us now, “timetable,” Sirius told James, “not half as interesting.”
“Ah, well.” James shrugged as Sirius screwed the timetable up and threw it over his shoulder.
“Hey,” I said angrily, grabbing hold of his robes and forcing him to look at me. “Pick that up.”
“Sorry, was that your timetable?” He asked, retrieving it from the ground and smiling at me. “I do apologise,” he added, before he began to rip up the timetable. I stood there, glaring at him and silently fuming. Sirius grinned and then actually went as far as eating a piece. That was beyond the scope of a quick reparo charm and therefore beyond the scope of my patience.
“What are you doing?” I demanded, reaching up to grab it from him.
“That tastes disgusting,” he commented.
“Overkill, mate.” James said.
“You might be right.”
“Give it back, Black.”
Sirius laughed and seemed to take pleasure in dropping the remaining pieces of my timetable into a glass of pumpkin juice. My pumpkin juice.
I was too angry to speak.
Sirius grinned, sending me a little wave before following Charlotte and Rachel out of the Great Hall with James in toe towards...
Crap. What lesson do I have now?
I quickly pulled out the remains of my timetable, to find that the ink had run, and the paper had disintegrated slightly. Needless to say, I couldn’t read it.
“Damn you, Black,” I muttered at the disintegrated pieces of paper, throwing the hopeless gloop back into the glass and slumping down on the desk.
“So, you’ve finally lost it?” Remus grinned.
“You don’t by any chance know what lesson I have next?” I asked frustrated.
“Sure, I’ll walk you there,” he said. “Double potions.” I groaned. He chuckled slightly, “We’ll be late if we don’t go now.”
“And that would be such a tragedy,” I said sarcastically. “Hey, can you tell Slughorn that Sirius dissolved my timetable, so I couldn’t have possibly known that I was supposed to be in Potions?”
“Unlikely.”
*
Everyone hated a seating plan. It was the singular sure way for a teacher to ensure that everyone began the first lessons of the year feeling pissed off and irritated: even Lily, who’s never one to context one of Slughorn’s decisions, didn’t like these things – mostly because James had a rather alarming ability to end up next to her on the plan. Two hours of scheduled annoyed, on top of double Potions? No thanks.
“Lily Evans and Severus Snape...” Slughorn continued. I glanced up and caught a pained expression on Lily’s face – although Slughorn’s tendency to place his two favourites together usually was seen as a good thing by Lily, after the events of last year it seemed like she wasn’t so keen...
I glanced around the classroom, weighing up my options. He’d nearly finished the list and the only people who were left over, really, were the Marauders and a couple of girls from other years. It had been boy girl so far (a ridiculous insurance that there would be excessive amounts of flirting), which meant that it was almost definite that I’d be sat next to one of them.
Remus wouldn’t be so bad. I could deal with sitting next to Peter. James would be annoying, but not to the point that I’d purposefully blow up his cauldron... but if they put me with Sirius? Slughorn had better watch out for his dungeon, that’s all I’m saying.
“Mary McDonald and...James Potter,” he concluded, and I let out a relieved breath that I hadn’t realised I’d been holding. It could be worse. Things could always be worse (although, in my situation you had to admit that things couldn’t be much worse).
Sirius Black fell into the seat in front of me but didn’t turn around.
It was probably for the best.
*
I hated Professor Quigley more than I hated Sirius Black.
Not only had she yelled at me for not having kit, but she had then found me some that didn’t fit me on purpose: the shorts would have fit my eleven year old brother snugly, and yet here I was squeezing into them, then the top wouldn’t have looked big on one of my sister’s fat boyfriends, giving the altogether rather delightful impression that all I was wearing was a very baggy t-shirt. And a bra, because naturally I’d chosen to wear a black bra this morning and naturally, the t-shirt was spectacularly see-through. Joy.
“Now that we’re all here,” she said, giving me a pointed look (well, if she wanted me to be on time, she shouldn’t have spent an hour finding me kit) “I’ll begin.” She finished as I began muttering curses under my breath.
“Not fond of his fiancé then?” Sirius muttered from next to me.
“Shut it,” I muttered. Sirius smirked and made an obvious point of taking in my ridiculous kit and how he found it highly amusing.
“Why didn’t you ask for kit that fit you?”
“You say one more thing...” I warned, folding my arms.
Sirius grinned, leaning forward until I could feel his breath in my ear. “Nice bra.”
I wanted to scream, but suspected that screaming wouldn’t go with the bitch of a woman’s program of things, so instead I let my gaze glaze over and began to imagine all the things I’d like to say to Sirius if I ever got the guts.
“You there, with the purple hair, what have I just been saying?” She demanded.
“I don’t know.” I mumbled, feeling the heat crawl up my face.
“Well next time, don’t sit next to your boyfriend,” she said pointedly. Sirius stretched his arms out next to me, enjoying as the other Marauders began making a variety of comments about me, my life, my hair.
“He’s not... I didn’t want to sit there.”
“How about your sit right in front of me then, Purple?” She clicked her fingers at pointed at her feet. I heard Sirius laughing like an idiot as I stood up and sat at the front, wondering whether I should contest that he should be moved too.
“Right, as I was saying, we’re doing the beep test today, and anyone who doesn’t get above a seven has to stay behind every lunchtime and repeat the test until they do.”
Okay, I couldn’t actually hate this woman more.
She did the whole clicking and pointing thing again, indicating that we were to line up at the stupid start line she’d drawn on the ground with her wand. After giving us five minutes to ‘warm up’ (arse around pretending to jog up and down), she brought us all back to the start line.
“Ready, go!” She yelled as the first beep went off. Everyone seemed to misjudge the first beep and ended up there much too early, filling everyone with a sort of confidence. So we were all sure we would get past seven easy.
But come level 5, I had to admit, I was struggling. I couldn’t breathe, my legs felt weak and it was seemingly more and more difficult to keep running.
“Come on guys, remember your lunchtimes are at stake!” She yelled. Run. Run. Run.
“Struggling?” Sirius asked me. He wasn’t even out of breath. I blamed Quidditch. I didn’t attempt to answer, not that I could of in my state, and focused all my energy on running that little bit further. The prospect of running away from Sirius helped.
I had to get to level 7. I needed my lunch periods to eat, do homework, and go and see Nate. I needed to convince him not to marry this bitch.
“COME ON PURPLE!” She screamed and I realised I was a little behind everyone else. I still couldn’t breathe but I forced myself to catch up and turn around.
5.8
My head was starting to go dizzy due to a lack of oxygen.
5.9
My legs felt incredibly weak, weaker than ever before.
6.0
My vision began to go blurry.
6.1
My legs collapsed from underneath me and I ended up on the floor. A tad dramatic for the situation, it seemed.
“KEEP GOING!” I heard the devil-bitch-woman yell. I’d stopped. I wouldn’t be able to get up now. I was probably going to be trampled on by everyone coming in the other direction. But, instead of feeling everyone’s feet crushing my skull, a pair of hands accompanied by a pair of arms were pulling me up, supporting me.
“Looks like she can’t,” Sirius said, and I could almost feel the eye roll. I was deposited onto a bench. “Still alive?” Sirius questioned.
“Mr Black, carry on right now. You’re coming back at lunch,” she yelled and I heard footsteps walking away and I took a deep gulp of air, bringing things back in to focus.
“Drink this,” she said and I did. It instantly cleared my head more and I could feel my legs again. “What’s your name?” She asked, as her voice changed from super-bitch to nice.
“Mary McDonald,” I answered, my voice coming out shaky.
“You’re the one with the...” She began but I cut her off.
“Blood condition,” I said nodding, giving her a meaningful look. The other people in the class were still way too close for her to say what I really had.
The woman swore, pressing a hand against her head. “Nathaniel told me to watch out for you, and make sure you didn’t push yourself too hard... but, oh, I thought you’d be quiet,” she said and I shrugged in response. “Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital wing? No, well... how about we don’t tell Nate I nearly killed you on my first day?” She suggested with a smile. “Don’t stop now!” She yelled, turning back to the other runners and screaming at poor Charlotte Jones, who was bright red in the face and breathing heavily. She stopped, leaning against the oak tree, trying to catch her breath.
“6.8! You’re coming back at lunch!” Charlotte looked as if she might cry.
Bloody hell.
When everyone had finally finished, (Sirius and James being the last people out. Remus before that and Peter before that), she gathered everyone around and said a few nice things before returning to full on bitch status. “Okay, coming back at lunchtime are Charlotte Jones, Alice Prewett and Sirius Black. No arguments.”
The collective whispers of ‘why not Mary?’ were stifled because everyone was too bloody scared.
“I’m also the brains behind Team Building – no need to thank me.” She grinned,” I’ll be running half of your team building lessons, usually the Friday session. Basically, you’re all going to be primarily working in pairs.”
Everyone looked scared apart from me. Surely devil woman would put me with someone I wanted? Considering she nearly killed me and I was friends with her fiancé... “I’ve put you with people who I think you have a good potential relationship with, and that tends to be the last person you’d pick,” she finished. “But that’s good – it wouldn’t be Team Building if you guys were working with your best friends. So, your pairs for the rest of the year... James Potter and Lily Evans.”
“Yes!” James whispered to Sirius, though loud enough that everyone heard and Lily sent him a long irritated look.
“Alice Prewett and Frank Longbottom,” she continued, neither of them looked too bothered. “Rachel Moss and Peter Pettigrew. Charlotte Jones and Remus Lupin,” she said confirming all my worst fears.
I turned around to meet Sirius’s gaze, feeling her final words – virtually a prison centre, “Mary McDonald and Sirius Black.”
And we both groaned.
*
“So first, everybody grab a blindfold,” Professor Quigley said, and I knew from that moment that this would not be good. “Now, before you put it on you need to think of a call such as Hogwarts, with your partners. One of you will yell one bit, and the other one will answer it, and you will try and find each other while blindfolded.”
“How about Quid-ditch?” Sirius asked and I shook my head. “Blud-ger? Siri-us? Team-building?”
“How about arse-hole?” I suggested and his face broke out into a grin.
“Deal.” He said, shaking my hand. I moved my hand away quickly. I’d already touched him way too much for a lifetime. Not like that. Much.
“You yell ‘arse’ then I’ll yell ‘hole’,” he said, and then we sat there in silence until she told us time was up.
Then we had to place on the blindfolds and she moved us away from our partners.
“ARSE!” I yelled, trying to pick out Sirius’s voice.
“QUID,” I heard among the voices.
“BREAK!”
“CHOCOLATE!”
“HOLE!” I heard someone to my left shout.
“ARSE!” I yelled again.
“ITCH!”
“FAST”
“BREAK”
“FROGS!”
“HOLE!”
“ARSE!” I yelled again, walking clumsily forward and hearing his voice.
“CHOCOLATE!” a voice yelled again and then, after a while, most of the stopped and I assumed they’d found their partner.
“ARSE!” I yelled and I got no answer.
“Arse,” I muttered into the silence of the room. “Arse, arse... arse -”
A pair of hands grabbed me around the waist. I screamed bloody murder and Sirius muttered “hole,” into my ear. I promptly fell over, repeating my half of the call over and over in his direction as I ripped off the blindfold.
He didn’t have his blindfold on. In fact, I was now the only person in the room who seemed to have had a blindfold on.
“Arsehole.” I spat viciously, folding my arms.
“Why don’t we try following my instructions this time? McDonald, Black – make up a new call. No taking your blindfold off until I say so. We’re going to continue doing this over and over until you get it right, so I hope you’re all having fun.”
“So,” I said moodily, “we have to make up a new one.”
“I don’t think she thought it was appropriate,” Sirius commented.
“Butt-head?” I suggested grimly.
Sirius grinned.
*
“I swear you used to be good at transfiguration,” Sirius said as I desperately tried to do the correct spell. “In first year, you were better at magic than Lily.”
“Shut up,” I said darkly, poking the hedgehog with my wand.
“And you’re saying it perfectly right; it’s just as if you haven’t got the power...”
“Shut up,” I said again, louder this time.
This was all Miss Quigley’s fault. She had told all of our teachers to seat us with our partners where possible to increase bonds, or something shit like that. I didn’t want a bond with Sirius.
“So... What’s the deal?” Sirius demanded.
“Blood condition.”
“You’ve got a blood condition that affects your ability to do magic?” Sirius questioned.
“It’s called being a mudblood.” I couldn’t have told you which Slytherin said it, but suddenly their side of the room was alive with laughter and comments.
“Detention! I will not have that language in my classroom!” McGonagall snapped, her eyes narrowing dangerously. Her anger matched mine.
“Sorry, what did you just call me?” I demanded.
“I called you a mudblood, I saw you with your dirty muggle parents at the station, had an argument with your mum had you?” He was snarling now.
“That woman was not my mother!” I was angry now. “And not that it matters, but my mother was a witch.”
“Where was she, walked out on your little muggle family?”
“No,” I said flatly. “My mother is dead.”
“Well, serves her right, dirty muggle lover...” he trailed off, and suddenly my whole body shook with anger.
I lunged at him; desperately trying to hurt him anyway I could, for insulting my mother. I don’t even know why it was such a big deal. I hated my mother for passing on this condition, meaning I was going to die.
But I was blind with anger. Not necessarily at him, but at everything. My day had gone so wrong. My life had gone so wrong. The doctors constantly said how lucky I was, but I didn’t understand how I could be ‘lucky.’ I was dying, and beginning to see the affects. I’d never get out of my teens, I’d never fall in love, I’d never have a baby, I’d never have a marriage, I’d never get any of the things I’d always so desperately wanted.
And this Slytherin in front of me; he was going to live, he was probably rich, he’d get married, have the choice to have kids, he’d get to live like I’d never be able to, yet here he was insulting me because of my blood. Pathetic.
As far as I could see, my mother’s blood had done me much more damage than my fathers.
I felt hands pulling me back, and then I realised how ridiculous the whole thing was; why should I care if he couldn’t see past blood? I shouldn’t.
Tears burst from my eyes at my anger and stupidity.
There was commotion going on around me, but I ignored it, thoughts whirling round in my head as tears leaked from my eyes.
McGonagall’s scream shut everyone up, but I barely heard her handing out detentions and point deductions – hardly registered Sirius’s name amongst those who were now sentenced to detention – and James’s protests... because I didn’t care. I didn’t care at all, I was so caught up in the spinning in my head and how angry I’d felt.
I wished my emotions could be the first thing to die.
*
“Nice show in there McDonald,” Sirius said darkly as he walked to the Gryffindor table and sat down. “Thanks to you I’m stuck with McGonagall for the next three evenings.” Lily had filled in the missing pieces of the event: how she’d pulled me away from him (good job too, he could have killed me) and how Sirius had taken my place, furiously throwing spells and fists in his direction.
“Actually, that has nothing to do with me. I never asked you to attack him.”
“You know you’re one of the most unappreciative people I have ever met! I’ve helped you twice today, and I’m still waiting for my thank you.”
“Oh, nice one Black. You know real humans do nice things for others without needing to be thanked. How was attacking some Slytherin helpful? You’re...argh, you’re the most conceited person I’ve ever met. It’s all about you. Do you ever think about other people or do you just...?”
Instead of listening to my rant, Sirius was looking over my shoulder. I turned around half expecting to see someone underdressed or something, but instead finding myself face to face with Nate.
He did not look happy.
“Ma...” He began but stopped. He looked as if someone had died.
“What’s wrong?” I asked urgently. What if someone one was hurt? What if someone was dead?
“I need to talk to you,” he said, but I was still in full fledged panic mode.
“Who’s hurt? Is everyone okay? What’s happening?” I asked. I was border line hysterical and, at that moment, I probably wouldn’t have cared if Nate wanted to tell Sirius, or anyone else for that matter, all about how I was dying and what not.
“It’s your blood test results.”
This chapter has now been beta'd by AccioHPFF. I know this editing malarkey is taking longer than I thought it would and that people are probably fed up of this appearing at the top of their favourites lists or whatever, but it has to be done! So, sorry staffers for all the edits. Thanks to anyone who's putting up this. Welcome new readers! And, oh yeah... this story recently got to 1000 favourites! So thank you very much everyone :D
“Come on Mary, it’s not so bad,” Nate said in an unconvincing tone which did nothing to rectify the anger and shock which had me clenching my fists at my side. His hand resting on my shoulder and the sympathy in his eyes also did nothing to calm me down or set the side of my brain which was usually dedicated to national thought going again.
I had yet to get over my dramatically worsening blood tests that Nate had informed me of on the first day back (there are, actually, plenty of publications and the like dedicated to the how to get over you’re dying but honestly, they just made me angry). He had since tried a variety of things to make me optimistic about the whole situation, but today I had demanded he showed me my graph.
In the past, he had used my graph on numerous occasions to cheer me up when I was feeling down. He always pulled it out and showed me my line of progress and how far away from dying I really was. It was then I believed I had years left to live, that I had so much ahead of, so much time to live that I hadn’t bargained on. It always had a smile plastered back on to my face again.
Now though he was reluctant to pull it out, and I soon saw why when it was presented in front of me. They showed anyone with a pair of eyes quite clearly that I was getting worse with every passing moment. The past, where death was an ambiguous – if less ambiguous than for most – was officially aptly named; that golden age was over.
On my graph there were four lines in different colours: The blue one showed how a normal person’s body deteriorates; the red shows the expected worsening of the body for someone with my condition; the Black one is the death line – the line at which the body can no longer function and the purple is my line, the results of my tests plotted on to show my progress, or my regression as is probably more accurate.
Thinking about my hair, I supposed I might have subconsciously thinking about my line. Although that was depressing – I didn’t much like the idea that that line defined me.
Particularly in its current state of decline.
The blue line had a very low gradient and barely appeared to be going downwards, only speeding up at the end. The red line had a much steeper line which crossed the black death line around last year. It was the purple line, however, that captured my interest. It had been going down at a steady rate for all the time it had been recorded (since I was diagnosed at nine) but then the past few weeks it had taken a dramatic dip, like the climax of a rollercoaster, going much steeper than any of the lines on the graph.
“Oh,” I muttered quietly measuring the distance with my eyes. “I’m only six inches from death,” I joked, “but it took me eleven years to travel those six inches.”
“Mary,” Nate said his voice sort and full of an underlining emotion. “The gradient it… I mean, I’m so sorry, but once it’s sped up, it’s not going to slow back down again.”
I swallowed. The moisture in my eyes as a knee-jerk reaction, despite the fact that mentally I’d barely even registered what he was saying. Greif auto-pilot, as it was.
“A year and a half then,” I decided hollowly, calculating distances, “a year and a half left to live.”
He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“That’s right isn’t it? A year and a half?”
He shook his head.
“L...looking at it now, you may be being a little optimistic, but there’s every chance that...” he trailed off. Nate had a habit of always trying to put a positive spin on everything he said. There was no positive now, which meant one thing, and he knew that I knew him well enough to know that. “Look,” He forced his voice out, seemingly finding it hard to speak. “I’ll measure your progress for a little while longer and then...”
“You’ll tell me how long I have left,” I finished, as he appeared incapable of finishing it himself. He nodded slowly and we both sat in silence for a few long moments. Both of us wondering exactly what to say.
“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this for another few years,” He said softy.
“So was I,” I agreed, letting a single tear roll down my cheek, pulling the black of my mascara with it. I couldn’t feel anything. Nate put his arm around me, and I leant against him, needing the comfort.
“How touching,” Sirius’s voice rang out dryly from the doorway. “But my friends bleeding and you’re supposed to be working here. So maybe you could help?” Sirius suggested, waking in followed by the rest of his stupid mates.
Nate sprang up, and pulled back the curtains for a bed for James, who was indeed bleeding –thick red liquid spurting from his nose in all directions like a screwed up fountain.
“What did you do to Lily now?” I asked shakily, amazed at Sirius’s ability to walk in at the exact wrong moment. It was now beyond definite that they thought Nate and I were an item; I was here enough and it was pretty weird for us to be friends with the age gap and everything.
“He hexed Snape.” Remus answered for him, sitting down on the edge of his bed while Nate pulled a potion from the cupboard and handed it to him, stuffing my file back in the rack.
“You should know better by now,” I muttered as Sirius gave me the evil eye and gave me some sort of eyebrow gesture which I took to mean, I know you’re shagging him. Even though he was completely wrong. Though of course, if Sirius thought of it, it had to be right (note the use of sarcasm here). It was ridiculous to think that I’d just found out my life span stretched to less than a year and a half, and I still had to deal with stupid things like Sirius Black and the bloody Marauders.
“Drink this,” Nate said handing James a potion. “Now rest here for about half an hour.”
The other thing was that Nate still continued to talk to me like he was my best friend (which he was) when the others were around, which I found weird and they interpreted as conformation of their suspicions.
“Come on Mary, think about something else,” he told me, while my I tried to hear the conversation through the ears of a Marauder. Then I realised I’d probably never recover, and instead just ignored them, what did they matter anyway? In the grand scheme of things, I’d be dead in two years.
“How’s your sister then?” Nate asked and I sighed.
“Which one?” I asked dully. Talking about my family was one of my least favourite topics, and so I generally tried not to think about them where possible. Lily had pretty much gotten used to that by now and Nate was the only one who pressed the issue.
I have two ‘sisters’ but neither of them are actually the conventional sister, as one of them isn’t even related to me.
“Becky,” he answered.
The story of how Becky came to reside in the same house as me for several years of my life is an interesting one. My mother, who had just be diagnosed and told she was dying, panicked and asked if the condition made the sufferer infertile. Little was known about Ephaiyadaphia at this point and so they told her yes, she would not be able to have children. She, with an admirable (or so I think) desire to be a mother went to the adoption agency and picked the child with the most psychological problems to take her home.
Well, that’s my version of the story. They didn’t actually realise she came with a long list of problems when they adopted her, the dyslexia, dyspraxia, manic depression, OCD, eating disorders and anxiety problems all came later on. Still, I always found her frustrating. As she was six years older than me, (she was three and a half when they adopted her) completely different to me and always in the middle of some complicated breakdown that, really, I should have anticipated.
I was aware that it made me sound heartless, but the truth was that my childhood had been continually filled with horrible incidents and worrying and stress and it was hard to get to the other side of it all without resenting her, just a little. It wasn’t like I was mean to her. I just dreaded her coming to visit and occasionally thought uncharitable things about her.
“She’s okay I guess, in her last year of Uni now.”
Nate nodded slowly, probably expecting a more detailed response but I genuinely didn’t have anything better to offer than that. “Johnny?” he asked. I shrugged.
I had always liked Johnny better as he was actually related to me, and agreed with me when it came to Becky. Plus, he’d never sparked up arguments and the like between my parents.
He didn’t understand why mum didn’t just give having kids a go, as they discovered several years later, the condition didn’t make you infertile, when I was conceived.
“Ria?” He asked and I shrugged again.
Ria was my adorable little half-sister, who I disliked strongly because she shared the same genes as Karen. That made her unquestionably evil.
Also, she was my replacement for when I’m gone.
“Your dad?”
“Same boring old fart as always,” I answered. I’d have thought by now that h knew talking about my sister achieved nothing. Yet he was irritatingly steadfast in his belief that I should make an effort.
“Karen?”
“Still a sadistic bitch, please can we talk about something else?” I asked, before he could reprimand me for being so uncaring. He had a perfectly valid point, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be reminded of it.
“Well,” he sighed, “What do you want to talk about?”
I shrugged, looking around the room for inspiration, but was greeted by the Marauders still staring at me with their mouths open. Sirius had obviously re-shared with them his theory on Nate and I with his eyebrow-communication thing.
“So when are you getting married?” I asked in an attempt to remind them of Miss Quigley, the mega blonde crazy bitch bombshell who he was engaged to.
“Dunno, I’ve got other things on my mind,” he shrugged, “we’re in no rush.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Worrying about you.” He answered and I inwardly cringed. Damn.
“Can I go now Mr Peacock?” James asked from his bed. Sirius sent me another eyebrow message which I decided meant ‘we need to talk to you right now’.
“Yeah, sure,” Nate said distractedly.
“I’m going too,” I said. I was rewarded with an unfathomable expression and a nod. He probably expected me to want some sort of counselling about my suddenly shortened life expectancy, but I hadn’t quite worked up a reaction to that yet. For now, dealing with team drama would have to do.
“McDonald,” Peter said stiffly, as we headed back up the corridor.
“You know, you guys should stop ending up there so often, he might start thinking you fancy him.”
Well, should have probably thought that comment through.
They looked at me in disbelief for a moment, and Sirius was just about to say something when I looked at my watch and said “Ooh! Look at the time, must dash...” In a high voice before hurrying away in quite possibly the most suspicious fashion ever.
I am such an idiot, seriously.
*
Since I have started term this year I have discovered that there are five different types of people: the annoyingly perfect, the annoyingly unstable, the annoyingly knowing, the annoyingly uncaring and the annoying.
There was the first type: the ones who were so nice and perfect and quiet that you just wanted to thump them and tell them that they have no personality and need to have some problems and develop some quirks, or something. These people probably do have a variety of problems but would never share them with anybody apart from a selective few (trust me, I used to be this type of person), so all you see is this annoying exterior you can’t get underneath. Example of this: Alice and Frank.
The second types were the ones who had so many emotions and thoughts running through their heads that they just can’t keep inside. They’ll cry at anything, they’ll stress, they’ll worry and generally be over emotional and oh so happy to share everything. You therefore want to punch them and tell them to get a grip. Lily wins the award for the most unstable (I’m not counted in this...). As a couple, Lily and James would be either abysmal or perfect thanks to the fact that they both fell into this category – James with his unnecessary declarations of love to anyone would listen was almost as bad as Lily and her demonstrations of hate. Really, really annoying.
The third were the people who looked at you with that look that told you that they knew exactly what was going on in your head and that they have all the answers. Then you wanted to punch them in the face and tell them they were wrong, arrogant, nosy and they were annoying. Example Dumbledore, Nate, Remus, Miss Quigley.
The forth were the annoyingly selfish ones who couldn’t give a shit about anyone else, or just not me (the important thing). You wanted to jump in front of their face and tell them to pay attention to someone else, anyone else. Just because if they noticed it, life would be so much easier and better than it would have been before. Example: Charlotte, Peter, Rachel, my dad, Johnny, and my eldest ‘sister’ Becky.
The fifth were the ones who were simply frustrating to be around for no reason. They just drove you nuts, even if they did everything correctly. These people made you your favourite dinner and they were making too much effort. They made you something you don’t like as much and they were being selfish and annoying. Example – Karen. I just wanted to hit her and bang her pretty little head on the table. The fifth sort defied all previous sense of logic.
The most annoying person of all however didn’t fit into any of my categories which was, well, annoying. Sirius Black was annoyingly perfect due to the way he achieved perfect marks, perfect looks and the perfect air about him without even having to try. He was annoyingly unstable in the way he would go on about how tragic his life was to those who didn’t care. How he would get angry quickly and how he was so different with different people. Then he would look at me, and I would swear he knew just what I was thinking and he was telepathically yelling exclamations of amusement. Then he would say something so stupid and selfish I would know he was just being his arrogant self. Then his presence annoyed me to hell just the same.
I was surprised I hadn’t hexed anyone yet.
Or bitten someone’s head off.
Or had an emotional breakdown in the middle of the hall.
Because life was being so damn annoying.
Today was the perfect example; I had woken up early so I could have a shower to find that Charlotte Jones was currently occupying it. She then took a further thirty five minutes until she emerged dripping wet and having used all the towels.
Then Lily had come in, angry as hell, about how James had nicked all her make-up claiming she was beautiful without it (another of his pathetic attempts to boost her self-esteem. Cute, but really annoying). She then asked to borrow mine and I of course had to lend her some, even though I didn’t want to.
I was then about to get in the shower when I realised I had no shampoo and conditioner left as Rachel had borrowed it last week and used the entire bottle. Alice kindly offered me her shampoo and conditioner, but I refused because I didn’t want her shampoo, I wanted mine. The fact that I knew was being petty made me more irritated.
After all that, I’d decided to sod the whole shower thing.
Instead, I went to go and have breakfast, taking a detour to go and see Nate. He asked me how I was and I said great. He gave me a knowing look, as if to say he knew I was still stressed about my results. I then received the same treatment from Remus and Miss Quigley when they asked me if I was okay in Defence against the Dark arts.
I was stuck sitting next to James in Potions, where he spent the whole time badgering me about Lily.
Coming out of Potions I fell over flat on my face, and Peter Pettigrew just walked straight past, stopping only to say ‘Hey Mary.’
Frank stopped and helped me pick up my bags, when I really didn’t need any help. I was fine picking up my stuff on my own.
All of that just masked the fact that the real reason I was angry was because I was dying and it wasn’t fair.
Now I was stuck in transfiguration sitting next to Sirius. Professor McGonagall went out ten minutes ago to sort out some misbehaving second years, Sirius looked like he was about to make some comment about me and Nate, so I pulled out the letter from Karen that had been burning a hole in my pocket since just after breakfast.
Anything to ensure that I was distracted.
Mary,
I was devastated when I read your letter, including the details of your drastically worsening ‘condition’ as you like to call it. Your father is dreadfully upset and sat in your room for hours. Mary, I believe we got off on the wrong foot and I would like to-
I stopped reading the letter, and briefly scanned the last few lines; it was far too boring to pay complete attention to.
- improve the bonds between us before-
-I offer my condolences that-
-Your father is very pleased that you have agreed to babysit Ria in a few weeks-
-All my love. Karen.
Same old, same old. I took great satisfaction in ripping the letter down the middle. I couldn’t care less if she was talking about wanting to kill herself, or how she ran a naked fun run, it didn’t matter to me. She didn’t matter to me, and I wish she’d butt out my life. Just leave for a few years, until I died, then I could get things back on track with my family. It was her fault that we didn’t get on. She caused this destruction and she should admit that instead of me taking the blame for it.
Did I mention she was annoying?
I’d have thought they’d cut me a little slack cause I was dying, give out a little sympathy, but no. They just said I had a bad attitude and then Karen pretended to be nice to make me feel bad about myself as a person.
It didn’t work.
I couldn’t care less if they think I’m a spoilt brat, a complete bitch or any other bog standard insult.
Yet I still offered to babysit Ria next Hogsmeade trip whilst they went to see a play for some reason, which I am now totally regretting.
Hogsmeade was like the one time I might get out of this place, and believe me, this was one of the last places I’d like to be right now. The other place I’d least like to be was home: well, no, my house because, let’s face it, my house was not my home.
Home was meant to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and welcoming, like you could be yourself. I didn’t have that place. I didn’t have anyone to be that person with. And I’ll die before I get to all that ‘finding yourself’ crap.
So I’m stuck as being this me. For the rest of my life. And that was just depressing.
The idea of the whole changing thing was to make me a better person, and so I could get close to people and actually have a life before I die. Well, the conclusion of that is definitely not working.
“Letter from lover-boy? Telling you he has to break it off because his fiancé is suspicious?” Sirius bleeding Black asked. I glared at him.
“Shut it,” I said, stuffing the remains of the letter into my pocket. He was not going to read that any time soon. I’d have to burn it, maybe with my number sixteen underwear or something.
“Are you not even going to attempt to do the spell? I wouldn’t bother, you’ll only fail,” Sirius said lazily, turning the rabbit on our table into a hat box with a flick of his wand. “I guess some people are just naturally talented,” he said, stretching his legs out and relaxing back on his chair.
Arsehole.
I used to be able to do magic. It was beyond irritating to lose something which more or less defined who you were: I was a witch. And now Sirius thought I was totally thick.
Well I’d show him. I pointed my wand at his eyebrows and concentrated really hard as he looked Rachel Moss up and down, trying to catch her eye (most probably because over the holiday she got taller, blonder and prettier. Whereas over summer I became more ill, worse at magic, moodier and more-purple).
Stupid prat. Stupid shallow prat. Thinking he can walk over people like that? Thinking he can, I don’t know, make-out with people in a cupboard, forget their name, and then pretend nothing even happened? Well it didn’t work on me.
I hated him. I really did. He was so damn infuriating and bloody annoying. Why did he think that he had the right to piss me off? Because he though he was god’s gift to women, rather than a more accurate assessment of selfish, big-headed, tosser.
Some dark red sparks flew out my wand.
His eyebrows caught fire.
Rachel turned around and looked at him as though he was on fire seconds (probably because he was) before the situation seemed to become apparent to Sirius himself.
Sirius let out an almost bark of surprised, turned his wand on himself and, in putting out the fire, managed to drench himself.
I burst out laughing: hysterical-crying-your-eyes-out-laughing. My wand fell from my hand and hit the desk, as I struggled to breath due to the laughing and the smoke mixing in the air.
“You…!” Sirius spluttered, looking at me as if I was a psychopath. “Y...You...you just set my eyebrows on fire!”
This was the best thing I’d ever done in my whole life, and would always be the best thing I’d ever done in my whole life.
“You complete nutter!” He was practically spitting fire (though, that would have only made me laugh harder), but I did think he was the tiniest bit impressed.
His eyebrows had singed to nothing. Sirius Black was without eyebrows.
“Stop laughing!” He ordered, bringing his wand up to point at my throat. “Stop laughing or I’ll hex you to next week, McDonald.”
I grabbed my wand from the desk and pointed it at him.
“Like you can do anything with that,” he said, gesturing to my wand. “Except catch my hair on fire or poke you. Whereas I could do some actual damage.”
“I have done actual damage!” I said calmly. “I’ve completely dented your fat ego, and made you look like an alien!”
“Well, you already look like an alien,” he retorted, “and I’m still more attractive than you!”
“Oh shut up Black.”
“Why should I? Everyone in this place is more interested in what I have to say, than what you have to say.”
There is the possibility that I lunged at him, at that point, and began to scream something really colourful and original (I was really, really annoyed), but The only person who gives one shit about you in this place is that nurse, and even he rates his Fiancé way more than you-” He began and for the second time this school year, I lost it and I lunged at him, screaming ridiculous insults (yeah, I lose it pretty quickly, but I was really, really, really annoyed) when a spell hit me in the chest.
I stumbled backwards, my head hit the floor, my concentrated hatred towards him sent another stream of sparks from my wand and his actual hair might have caught fire.
I struggled to stand up, there was some sort of commotion but my brain felt like soup, the stench of burnt hair made it even more difficult to think…and then Sirius was gripping my hand and trying to get me to sit down and I was calling him something not very nice, I think, because then I passed out on his shoulder.
*
“TWO MEMBERS OF MY OWN HOUSE! DUELLING! I LEFT THE CLASS FOR TWO MINUTES AND I COME BACK TO FIND A GIRL BLEADING ON THE FLOOR AND-”
“She set my hair on fire!” A voice counteracted, slightly devoid of its usual cool. “Isn’t that against the law, or something?”
“She did magic?”
“I didn’t burn it off myself,” Sirius muttered darkly.
I opened my eyes. The whole world was a little wobbly, but I had worse. It turned out the voices belonged to McGonagall, Nate and Sirius. And Dumbledore was just casually acting as a cool, bearded bystander.
“Your hair looks worse than mine,” I muttered, looking at Sirius and feeling my lips twisting into a smile. Sirius, to my surprised, mirror my expression and offered up a nod of support to my comment.
“Wouldn’t be so sure.”
“I can’t see how it would be worse,” I commented, looking at Sirius charred hair and big burns on his head.
“Here,” Nate said, passing me a mirror with a slight eye roll.
My hair was unbelievably knotty, with big clots of brown blood, which clashed horribly with the purple.
“Oh that’s attractive,” I said before dropping my hand back down to my bed exhausted.
“You tired Maz?” Nate asked.
“Yes!” I muttered sleepily. “What sort of spell did you hit me with Black?”
“It was… just a silencing spell.”
“Is that all?” I asked sceptically. “A silencing spell? A silencing spell would not have knocked me out.” I said and Dumbledore looked at him carefully.
“Mr Black, is it possible that your emotions could have gotten in the way of that spell, and in your anger, you accidently, cast something much more powerful?”
“No!” He protested. “I only meant to shut her up, so she could calm down for a sec, I was angry, she set my hair on fire! But I wasn’t actually going to do anything!”
Dumbledore looked at him carefully.
“I believe you,” he said, after a few minutes. “Now, could I have your wand?” he requested and he said some sort of spell that made the wand show the last spells it had done.
First was a levitation spell. Second was a healing spell. Third was the opposite of a silencing spell. Forth was the silencing spell. Fifth was the spell we’d been doing in transfiguration. Then it continued going back and eventually Dumbledore stopped it.
“Mr Black. Would you wait outside for a moment?” he requested. Sirius nodded and exited the room.
“Miss McDonald,” he said quietly. “It would seem your condition is considerably worse than we realised even last week. That silencing charm should have, at most, made you step backwards, but you fell over with enough force to cause a serious knock to your head. You need to be more careful,” he said and I shrugged.
“How will you explain to Sirius, why the spell was so powerful on me?”
“You will not tell him the truth?” Dumbledore asked and I shook my head manically (which hurt like hell!).
“No way!”
“Well then, you will have to come up with a suitable explanation,” he said and I closed my eyes. Surely he was supposed to do this? Not me?
He just sent me a twinkly, knowing look and was on his way.
“Miss McDonald?” McGonagall said. “Your duelling was unacceptable, fifty points from Gryffindor,” she said, “Oh, and as the next Hogsmeade trip is coming up, you need to get your hair changed to a more appropriate colour,” she added before walking out.
“Right,” Nate said cheerfully. “How come you hexed the poor sod?” He asked.
“I was irritated.”
“Okay Maz, chill out,” he said looking at me knowingly. “I’ll just let Mr Black in, and then I’ll take your blood test.”
“Why would you ever want to let him in?” I asked, not wanting to see him at all, because then I may have to explain to him why a silencing spell knocked me out.
How annoying.
“To treat his burns,” he finished and I groaned.
I honestly and truly hated Hogwarts.
*
Nate fixed me up in a few hours, but insisted I had to stay in bed for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, Sirius also had to stay in bed, which meant the Marauders came to visit him (those guys are like, inseparable) and Lily had come to visit me.
I’ll treat you to some simple maths here.
Marauders = Sirius + James + Remus + Peter
Lily + James = Conflict
Sirius + Me = Conflict
Conflict = yelling
Yelling + my head injury = my head hurting a lot
My head hurting a lot + Sirius + conflict + my head injury + yelling = ANNOYED MARY.
“No Potter, I HATE YOU!” Lily’s voice screamed (okay, that was a paraphrase of sorts – but she might as well have been yelling it and she was making a lot of noise). I buried my head under my pillow angrily. Another crap day. I needed someone to talk to and I could hardly open up to Nate right now, due to the presence of the Marauders. Anyway, he was all worked up about me dying and kept preaching at me.
“Oh Mary, don’t push yourself too hard!”
“Mary, slow down!”
“Mary, stop setting Sirius Black on fire!”
“You know Mary, you’re weaker now!”
It would be good to have someone who didn’t know about my condition to talk to, but I didn’t. Lily was too busy getting angry at James. Charlotte is busy being a bitch. Rachel was busy dotting over Sirius’s burns (they were now dating apparently – ridiculous). Alice was busy being nice to everyone somewhere. Remus was busy studying while the mayhem went on around him. James was busy being yelled at... Basically, everyone was busy, and it wasn’t like I was that close to them anyway. This left... my family. I sighed.
“Will you pass us a pen and some parchment please?” I asked and when my request had been fulfilled I began to write.
Hey Johnny,
How’s my little, and favourite bro?
I’m sorry I didn’t write sooner, it’s been a hectic few weeks, and by hectic I mean terrible.
You know how I always teased you about not having to do P.E.? Well, now we have to do P.E. the kit is awful; my house has to wear red and gold, tight shorts and see-through top. Not a big fashion statement.
I’ve also been doing your type of classes in muggle studies and I feel so sorry for you! Physics? Gosh, it is SOOO boring, and maths? Don’t even get me started! Then in my other lessons I’ve got decidedly worse, I’m losing my magical power, they may chuck me out soon. Also we have to do team building, and I’m partners with this boy.
I HATE HIM. He’s arrogant. He’s conceited. He’s selfish, big headed, and an all-round arsehole. (You DID NOT learn that word from me.) He’s been insulting me constantly since the beginning of the year, (cause I kicked him in the balls) and it’s really been getting on my nerves.
In fact, people are generally being annoying here. Though it maybe just me. Already lost my temper twice this year – I burned a boy’s hair and eyebrows off and attacked another. Don’t laugh, I was really angry. Never mind eh, it won’t matter soon enough.
Also, I don’t know if Dad told you, but my blood tests are getting worse, meaning I’m getting much worse.
I can feel the effects now, I notice myself getting weaker and more tired which can’t be good.
Nate is going to tell me how long I have left soon and I’m terrified.
Did I tell you Nate’s working here now? Well, he is.
So how’s the Muggle school going? Still boring? And more importantly, how’s Claire?!?!?! (Sorry, I had to ask)
I miss you, and dad, Becky and even Ria a little. Not Karen though, never Karen.
Write back soon, I could do with someone to talk to
Mary
I sighed, re-reading it. I don’t think I’d said anything positive in the entire letter, but then nothing positive had happened. I had a flash of inspiration and quickly added looking forwards to going to Hogsmeade on Saturday. There still wasn’t much positivity, but it would do, I decided, folding it up and putting it in my pocket for when I could go to the Owlery.
In the interest of remaining optimistic (which Nate would approve of), I decided to concentrate on going to Hogsmeade.
I pushed all my other thoughts to the back of my mind, let’s just concentrate on getting to Saturday, which I would do. (My blood tests weren’t that bad yet, I was counting on having a year or more left still, no matter what Nate said, he was just preparing me for the worse.)
Saturday was only four days away. Four days is nothing. Should go like a blink. It’s only ninety six hours. Five thousand plus minutes. A number of seconds too large for me to count, but not to surmount. Hardly anything, really.
Thanks to TheHeirofSlytherin for helping out with the current summary and to all you who've been supporting my prolonged editing (thank you TGK, I'm looking at you). This chapter has now, finally, been edited and beta'd by the lovely MangaGirl. And just so everyone knows, I'm still reading, loving, treasuring and answering all reviews from this. I am most definitely not ignoring you and thank you all so much :D
A/N - Hello my lovely readers! Did I ever mention I love you all? Well I do some much so because you ROCK. Right... to business.
Finally, enjoy...
“Mary! Mary!” A small voice yelled. “S’easter!” It exclaimed and I blinked my eyes open to see Johnny’s tiny two year old cherub like face.
“Come on now Johnny boy, leave your sister alone,” Mum’s voice said pulling him up at me.
“Eggs! Eggs!” he announced and a grin broke out on my face as I pushed back my daisy covered duvet off myself and stood up.
“Slow down there Mary,” Dad said as I ran to the doorway and hit his legs.
“Easter!” I said excitedly jumping up and down.
“What’s so good about Easter then?” He asked bending down to my level.
“EGGS!” Johnny yelled.
“That’s right!” Dad said holding out two eggs.
“No,” Johnny said, toddling over to where he stood and attempting to knock the eggs out of his hand. “Chocolate eggs!” He protested, and I nodded.
“Not those eggs,” I agreed and he grinned at us.
“Well, the Easter bunny may have left some chocolate eggs in the kitchen-”
“MINE!” I yelled sprinting past dad, down the stairs and into the Kitchen.
“No!” Johnny protested.
“Don’t run down the stairs!” Mum yelled after us. Dad followed us down quickly and mum followed us down even slower.
“No chocolate before breakfast,” Dad reminded us, but we’d both already half devoured one of the perfectly shaped eggs.
He just laughed.
I woke up suddenly, feeling shaky and climbed into the shower even though it was some ridiculous time in the morning. I turned the water and the pressure up to try and wash away the memory.
Dad hadn’t laughed like that in a long time; maybe it had affected him more than he let on. I’d thought he hadn’t cared, that he moved on, that he never looked back but maybe, just maybe he cared just as much as I did. If not more. He loved her, and he just needed someone to cling on to.
Tears built up in the corners of my eyes and I let them.
Suddenly I wanted to write long detailed letters to them, I wanted to feel close to them again, I wanted to go back to that.
I climbed out of the shower and wrapped myself in a fluffy towel and sat down next to my trunk trying to find my photo album. I pushed past my clean clothes, my unclean clothes, my toiletries, parchment, books, shoes and other junk until I found it at the very bottom of my trunk. Untouched since Karen had packed it for me last year.
This fact, which hadn’t even gotten near to making me feel guilty for a very long time, now stirred up a pit of guilty pain that had been locked in my stomach so deep I’d never realised it was there. It made me feel sick, I dreaded opening up the album and seeing the faces smiling less sincerely with every page, but I had to. I needed to look at those pictures again.
First were a couple of pictures of mum and dad in their young years of romance, their faces twisted up into smiles that were only a little posed for the pictures. Then came Becky, even then not the cutest of children, but they doted over her as if she was a princess with perfect airs and graces. Then came me, staring out at the camera in a wide-eyed interest. There were a lot of pictures of me as a baby: when my first blonde locks grew; when I began toddling around in my flowered sandals-
“Mary, what are you doing up?” Charlotte Jones’s voice came out, as she drew back the curtains. I stuffed the photo album back into my bag and jumped back on to my bed.
“Nothing,” I said pulling the covers over me and trying to get back to sleep and failing miserably. So I just lay there in the dim light of the moon outside. Wanting more than anything to get up and open that photo album, but being too scared to all the same.
*******
I got up for the second time that day in an equally fowl mood, only now my sadness had turned to pure annoyance, which my roommates noticed the second they saw me. Despite them knowing little about me, they knew when I was annoyed, because I would sigh more, over exaggerate, look pissed and I would sometimes yell at my reflection when my eyeliner refused to go right.
I felt exhausted and had to literally drag myself from the warmth of the covers and change out of my wonderfully comfortable pyjamas into my cold school uniform. Due to the fact I had been tossing and turning for a long time, and that I had gone back to bed with wet hair, my purple locks were sticking out in a variety odd directions, none of which were the direction I wanted them to go – down.
“Bloody hair,” I mumbled trying to pull it into something I could call a style, but eventually giving up and instead deciding on some interesting make-up. Then came a dilemma I hadn’t faced yet, but should have predicted: I own a fair amount of make-up, but it was only when rummaging through the eye shadows when I realised nothing, I repeat nothing, goes with purple. I had pink, green, orange, purple and blue eye shadows but when paired with my purple hair they contrasted horribly and made my skin look bad.
“I’ll have to go nude then,” I muttered stuffing the eye shadows back into my bag angrily
“No!”Alice said staring at me as if I’d grown an extra head. “Your school uniform doesn’t look that bad, wear some clothes!” I looked at her in shock for a few seconds before working out what the hell she was on about.
“I meant eye shadow wise!” I exclaimed looking down at my uniform. “And what’s wrong with my uniform?” I asked suddenly self-conscious. Alice turned bright pink and stuttered something incoherent before claiming she had to go to the loo and shutting herself in.
“What’s wrong with my uniform?”
“Nothings wrong with it really, it’s just...” Lily began looking at me critically.
“Your skirt's too long,” Charlotte began, counting points off on her fingers. “Your tights are too black, your shirt's too big, your jumper's too light and your robes are too... old fashioned,” she finished.
“Maybe just... roll your skirt up a little?” Rachel suggested.
“Why? So hormonal boys can look up my skirt whenever I walk up the stairs? Fat chance.”
“You roll up your skirt, or we’ll give you a complete make-over,” Charlotte said sweetly.
I rolled up my skirt.
*******
“Jeremy Wood is looking at my legs,” I complained as Lily and I walked to breakfast.
“Really? Wow.” Lily said sounding impressed. “You could be on to a winner there.”
I snorted and she gave me an odd look.
“Really Mary, I don’t see what the big deal is, you always used to roll your skirt up,” I gritted my teeth. “And you wore the right tights and jumper and... Oh hi Sarah!” Lily said talking to a girl I knew by sight who sat in front of me (and next to Sirius) in potions.
“I’ll just go sit down,” I said, only to be ignored, and walked the rest of the distance to the Great Hall on my own.
“You on your own Mary?” Alice asked when I approached the Gryffindor table.
“Yeah, I guess,” I said feeling foolish.
“Come sit with us,” She said gesturing to a space. Wedged right in between James and Sirius. No fucking way. Not a chance in hell. Never.
“Okay,” I nodded. No one wants to be a loner. No one, people stare at you and think gee, what a saddo sitting on there own. I sat down warily, and I thought I was safe for a few beautiful seconds. Sirius had his arm wrapped around Rachel, so was otherwise distracted. James was busy conversing with Remus, so I thought that I would be left in peace and then...
“Hey Maz! How’s my favourite bitch?” Sirius asked grinning at me. “Come to join us I see!” His voice echoing around the hall loudly, so everyone turned to look. “Hope you have a nice breakfast!” He said before ‘accidently’ tipping his pumpkin juice over in my direction. I jumped up quickly so only the bottom of my skirt got soaked. “Nice legs!” He said smirking at my rolled up skirt. “Trying to bring Peacock’s attention back are we? My my, we are getting desperate...” he said quieter this time. I chose to ignore him and instead looked over to the door where Lily was, heading in our direction. ‘Save me’ I mouthed, but she just shrugged and sat down next to Alice at the end of our group. Damn.
Sirius then got bored of me, (thank god) and instead started making out with Rachel. Brilliant. Fantastic. What an amazing start to my day.
“You recovered from your bad mood yet?” Lily asked me.
“Oh yes, now I feel positively enthused to be in school!” I commented my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“In a bad mood eh marry?” Sirius asked breaking away from Rachel again. He was obviously in a brilliant mood this morning.
“Yes.” Charlotte commented. “Very bad mood. Stood there muttering angrily at her reflection.”
I want to thump her but I can’t because it’s not her fault she’s blunt with no tact – she’s just like that. It’s just the way Charlotte is.
“In fairness, I’d spend hours muttering angrily at my reflection if I looked like that,” Sirius said and there was a chorus of laughter that I was sure must be faked. Or they were all just meaner than I thought. That wasn’t exactly out of the question...
“Oh look, the post!” Alice said sounding uncomfortable. She and Lily hadn’t laughed, and I’ll love them forever for that, even though it was more likely to be a reason for Lily to glare at James than out of loyalty. I should have been a Hufflepuff. They’re nicer.
“Oh great,” I muttered bitterly as I saw my family’s owl fly towards me. You see, after forth year when they had sent me a letter with my owl and I hadn’t replied due to circumstances beyond my control (as in, I had better things to do) then Karen had discovered she was pregnant, and wasn’t able to contact me. Therefore I only found out when I arrived home and found her big fat four month pregnant stomach, let’s say I wasn’t too pleased.... Since then they keep an owl at home which always flies back as soon as it deposits a letter.
“Mary’s got a letter!” Sirius said, grabbing the parchment from the owl and inspecting the envelope. “I’ll just make sure there’s no bomb in here,” He said cheerfully and began ripping it open.
“NO!” I yelled trying to pull it out of his hands, knowing that if he read that letter he would know that I was dying and I didn’t want him to be the first to find out. Hell, I didn’t want him to find out ever.
“That’s mine!” I claimed trying to pull it out of his hands. He chucked it over my head to James. “GIVE IT BACK!” I yelled as he grinned and chucked it to Peter. Peter threw it to Remus, who threw it back to Sirius. As I desperately tried to attack them to get it back.
“GIVE ME MY LETTER!” I screamed standing up.
“Why should I?” He smirked.
“BECAUSE IT’S MY FUCKING LETTER!” I screamed grabbing the jug of pumpkin juice and pouring it over his head. Then I grabbed it out of his hands and slapped him round the face. “NEVER read my letters!” I said fiercely and he looked up at me in mild shock. Then I burst into hysterical tears.
Brilliant. Fucking great.
“WHAT is going on here?” McGonagall asked coming over angrily.
I was now hyperventilating due to the tears and the shock that he had been so close to finding out my secret. The others were all looking at me as if I was an alien, but the surprise was most evident on Sirius’s face.
McGonagall turned to Lily and Remus, the prefects, for the answer to the question.
“Sirius was teasing Mary because she was in a bad mood and then-” Remus started.
“-Mary’s letter arrived and he was going to read it and he wouldn’t give it back. Mary was yelling at him to give it her back, and then she chucked her pumpkin juice over him, grabbed the letter back, slapped him round the face and burst into tears.” Lily finished interrupting him in the belief that Remus would give a biased account.
“Right,” McGonagall said with a blatant bigger understanding of why I was upset due to the fact all the teachers knew I was dying. “Well, Mr Black: double detention for upsetting another member of your house and twenty points from Gryffindor.”
Any trace of Sirius’s good mood had now vanished.
“And Miss McDonald, ten points from Gryffindor for language and improper behaviour,” I was too overcome by tears at this point to care. I was still sobbing as if my life depended on it – shaking and unable to breath.
“Maybe you should go and get a calming draft from-” McGonagall suggested but I decided it would be much preferable just to run and get out over there as quickly as I could.
*******
After spending another good forty minutes crying in my comfiest hoody and binging on chocolate, I had calmed down enough to reapply my make-up and head down to my first lesson. Even though it was about to finish in ten minutes – screw lateness; I had to at least make an appearance. So now I was walking down the stairs towards transfiguration dreading all the whispering that was bound to occur the moment I pushed that door open.
Still I didn’t have a choice. So I took the plaster option.
“Quick and painless,” I muttered to myself over and over again. “Quick and painless.”
So without even pausing to think (I had done enough of that for the next few years), I walked into the room holding my head up high... and fell over.
“So for homework you will complete a three foot essay on... are you okay Miss McDonald?” She asked as I picked myself up again. There was a chorus of laughter echoing around the class room and I just nodded and looked for my seat before realising it was right next to Black.
Fuck my life.
*******
I was itching to go and see Nate, to spill my heart out to him like I used to over every single letter, but it was different now. I’d always been way to emotional for my own good, and the minute I start talking about something that matters to me at the present I start bawling like a baby. All last year I had hoped and wished that Nate would come here to Hogwarts, but the increase in his presence in my life felt a lot more forced than I could have expected.
I liked how I could just go away to a quite corner and write to him at the end of every day, like a Diary that answered back, everyone assumed I was writing to some member of my family and so I could keep it a secret. My friendship with Nate was my own private thing that no one knew anything about, yet he would always be there as a stable constant in my life.
Yesterday I had tried to go and talk to him, but a swarm of giggling fifth year girls came in claiming to have ‘injured their legs’ he spent a good fifteen minutes trying to work out what was wrong with the leg, by prodding it at several points, rubbing several potions on them and such the like before concluding their legs were fine. Then one of the more outgoing girls claimed she has a severe pain in her right breast. He gave her some painkilling potion, and sent them on their way looking flushed.
I hadn’t talked to him properly in days and it made me edgy, I really should be relaxed, sitting out here in the sunshine doing some light (fat chance) homework. Heavenly. And then...
“Pads, I am surprised at you, we’ve been sitting out here for ten minutes, and you’ve haven’t complained your bored yet,” James said, punching Sirius on the arm to get his attention.
I, on the other side of the tree, was guessing most of these actions, but they always acted the same way, so it wasn’t hard. I silently cursed whoever gave me the worst luck ever, to be sat so close to the Marauders. Well, I wasn’t bothered about most of them. Just Sirius.
“Well, complaining of boredom never got us anyway if you remember?” he said.
“Oh come on Prongs that was ages ago!” Pete piped up. One day, someone was going to teach him some tact, most probably with their fists. I would volunteer, but my hands would probably fall off. Hmmm... Peter and Charlotte would be a perfect match.
“James is right Sirius, you hate the sun, and sitting around doing nothing,” Remus said and Sirius shrugged. “So what are you thinking about then?” he asked and Sirius sighed.
“My newly acquired enemy,” he replied and James nodded in comprehension.
“What is with that?” He asked. “She just suddenly turned on you,”
“It was scary, you only said one thing and then...”
“Erm...” he interrupted them. “There was slightly more to that story,” I said and they all raised their eyebrows, they could see were this was heading...
Even better for me! I get to be here when Sirius starts retelling that delightful story.
“You slept with her?” Remus asked. I shuddered, and Lily cocked her ear up in interest. Apparently even she thought that was within the realms off possibility. Great.
“No!” he said shaking his head. “Well... you know that party? Like, last march?” he asked and they all nodded, re-positioning themselves on the grass to listen to the story. “Well...” he began. “You know what it was like, the music on insanely loud, pumping out the walls, everyone drinking?”
“Wait a sec, was that the party you disappeared in, for like an hour?”
“Er... yeah,” he said.
“Was that the party were someone spiked Lily’s drink, and then made out with her?” James asked sounding really angry, at which Lily also clenched her fists. Glad to know I wasn’t the only one who thought that was the worst party ever.
“Was that the party were Rachel Moss-?”
“Guys, we’re getting off the point!” he protested and they all murmured their apologies. “Well, I hadn’t really drunk much, just a bit and then...”
“And then what?” Pete asked and James punched him to shut up.
“Then Mary comes over,” he continued. “Then I grabbed her wrist and made her dance...”
“I remember that,” Remus said.
“Well yeah, then she put this lip balm on-”
“I see where this is heading,” James said wryly.
“And it was mango and papaya,”
“Uh-oh,” Remus added in.
“And then I grabbed her, pulled her off the dance floor, into a cupboard and snogged her, a lot...”
“Sounds like something you’d do,” Pete said conversationally.
“Pretty much,” Remus said, agreeing.
“That’s not the worst bit,” he said anxiously.
“Oh dear,” James said and he nodded.
“Next day at breakfast...”
“Oh fuck!” James said, clasping a hand over his mouth. “I remember!” He said and he nodded, ashamed. “You go, pass us the bacon Amanda!” He announced.
“Amanda?” Pete and Remus asked.
“Amanda.” James said, nodding knowingly.
“You called her Amanda?”
“Amanda?”
“Amanda.”
“Amanda?”
“Oh come on guys, shut up! It wasn’t that big of a deal!”
“To a girl like Charlotte maybe not, but Mary’s nice!”
“Was nice,” James corrected.
“She’s still nicer than most,” Remus pointed out.
“She’d probably never kissed anyone before,” Well... that was a load of crap.
“Not everyone’s a slut like you!”
“Guys! Don’t make me feel worse!”
“You should feel worse, you should feel terrible!”
“I actually don’t think she cared!” He protested. “Because she just said, my name is Mary and you can go get the bacon yourself, and then all the post arrived, and there was a lot of it because...”
“Because it was mother’s day,” Remus finished.
“Fuck.” Sirius said hitting himself on the head. “Her mother’s dead.”
They all sat there in silence for a good ten minutes.
“If she cared, she would have said something right?” Sirius asked and there were no answers. “She would have screamed at me,”
“But Mary isn’t like that Sirius. She wouldn’t yell, or scream or say anything; she’s too quite and timid.” Pete said finally.
“Well, she isn’t like that anymore,” James said. “But I don’t think that was why she changed pads, because she would have changed straight away if that were it.”
“Mary, we can move and sit somewhere else?” Lily suggested as I was shaking with anger and probably looked quite menacing but I shook my head, I wanted to here the rest of this story from his twisted point of view.
“It’s fine Lily. I’m fine. I don’t care.” I said, dipping my quill back in the ink. “You wanted to sit outside, and this could be the last day of summer I ever see so...”
“What?” Lily asked quickly.
“I meant this year,” I rectified, and she nodded, and I tuned into the conversation that was going on the other side of the tree.
“Was she a good snogger then?” James Potter asked.
“Yeah, I guess,” Sirius answered. “Well no, no guessing...”
“Small tits though,” one of them said, and that was it. I cracked. I stood up quickly, smacking my head on the branch above my head.
“Oh fuckity fuck!” I swore loudly and all four boys’ heads looked around, and saw me jumping around in agony.
“You all right there Mary?” Pete asked.
“Oh I’m bloody brilliant, Amanda,” I said and he looked confused for a minutes about being addressed as Amanda, before he realised. Idiot.
The others sat there, mouth open. Again idiots.
“And Black, don’t flatter yourself,” I said and he looked confused. “If you think that I would, no, that anyone, would care enough about you to be bothered by a stupid little thing like that? Then you’re even more deluded than I thought! You aren’t half as hot as you think you are, and I was drunk that night. Impaired judgement? And being dragged into a cupboard? Yeah, that was all you and sure, I try not to think about it, but only because I was snogged by a leech.”
“A leech? I’ll have you know I could get every girl in this school to fall in love with me! I just chose not to, because none of them are interesting enough. They’re all too average.” He spat venomously.
“Well, that’s good for the female population of Hogwarts; they don’t have to put up with you being all lovey-dovey on them.”
“Well at least I could get someone,”
I pulled out my mango and papaya lip-balm, and bent down to his level. “But remember, it was you who kissed me, and you who thought it mattered to anyone,”
I put the mango lip-balm on, with my face hovering a few centimetres away from his. “And remember Sirius,” I said as he looked at my wide eyed, and like he was having an internal conflict. “I hate you,” I finished then I stood and began to walk away.
“Well at least my hairs not purple!”
I decided to do the sensible thing, and ignored him...
Who am I kidding?
“WELL AT LEAST I’M NOT THE BIGGEST JERK TO WALK THIS EARTH!” I yelled back.
“WELL AT LEAST I-”
“Mary,” Lily’s voice piped up the epitome of calm, “I think your head is bleeding,” I lifted my hand up to where I had wacked it off the tree; I’d forgotten I was so damn weak.
“Wow, you bleed really easily,” James commented.
“SHUT UP JAMES!” Lily yelled, before realising he hadn’t actually said anything offensive.
“Bloody typical,” I muttered. “Now I have to go to the hospital wing again!”
“Because we all know how much you hate it there,” his said his eyebrows wiggling.
Bitch.
******
“For Merlin’s sake Mary!” Nate said as I walked in to the hospital wing clutching my head. “Can you manage to go through a day without almost knocking yourself out?” he asked and I shrugged and sat down. He sighed. “What’s up then?” He asked while he started doing something to my head.
“Flaming Sirius Black!” I said angrily.
“Oh,” He said seeming to find it amusing. “It’s funny, you’d never mentioned him before this year, and now it’s always about Mr Black,” He said wiggling his eyebrows.
“Don’t do the eyebrow thing! It makes you look like Black,” I said and he laughed again. “Anyway, I did mention him, only he had a code name.”
“He was guy A?” He asked eagerly.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “Not him, guy B,” I corrected and Nate’s eyes widened. “Don’t you say anything!” I said standing up. “Not a single word!”
He was fighting a smile, but also looked angry at the same time.
“You said I could beat him up for you last year?” He suggested and I shook my head and sighed.
“It’s fine, fantastic, whatever; I need to get to class.”
“Yeah,” He agreed and I gave him a brief wave before exiting the hospital wing.
******
“Hello,” I said walking into Muggle studies. We were still having muggle lessons to ‘develop more empathy with muggles’ today we were doing languages, A.K.A. French.
“Es bonjour,” our muggle teacher reprimanded me (in a terrible French accident) and I shrugged and sat down at a spare desk.
Two minutes later, Sirius walked in.
“Hi,” He said lazily.
“What do you say? You’re late!” Our teacher snapped, admittedly, half the class wasn’t here yet so she had every right to be annoyed.
“Je suis vraiment désolé,” he apologised, sitting down. For a second I looked at him shock, before I realised he was from a pureblood family and I had been told by various people they all knew French, but I’d never really believed in what was said about them. I tried to ignore most rumours.
Turns out they had more truth in them than I thought.
“Due to your lateness, you will sit there,” the teachers said pointing to the seat next to me.
“I’m sorry miss, there’s someone sitting there,” I protested and she raised an eyebrow at me. “Well, there’s this bacterium there, like we learned about last week, and even though its infectious and could probably kill thousands, I think it deserves the seat more,” I said sweetly.
“And,” Sirius butted it. “The bacterium is far better company for Mary here due to the fact that she can relate to it more,”
“Oo, witty,” I said sarcastically.
“I thought so,” Sirius commented happily.
“Well you thought wrong,”
“Sit down.” The teacher said sternly, and Sirius slid into the seat next to me.
“Do you always do what people to tell you to then?” I asked bored.
“No.” He answered stiffly.
“I bet you do,” I smiled, knowing how to annoy him by this point. “I bet you do exactly what your beloved parents tell you to,” I said smirking.
Sirius’s fists clenched.
“So if they say go be an arrogant dick, you just do it. Maybe it isn’t your fault that-”
“And I suppose you’re the right rebel?” he interrupted.
“Precisely,”
“So I suppose your parents are the type to say, be a nice girl my little Mary-flower, and you go along and do the complete opposite.”
“Why don’t you stick your oversized and slightly crooked nose out of my business?”
“There’s nothing wrong with my nose!” He claimed. I tilted my head back and laughed hysterically for a few minutes before looking at his utterly bemused face.
“Oh, you were being serious!” I said faking dawning comprehension.
“Shut up parrot-face,”
“Shut up no-face, oh! Wait a sec; is that thing you’re talking out of not your arse? Cause it looks like it.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. I mean, it means my arse is still more attractive than your face...”
“Yet, if that thing on your neck is an arse, I have to wonder where the hell your dick is?”
“Yet I don’t have to wonder at all to see yours!” he exclaimed staring at my forehead.
“Oh shut up.” I said crossing my arms and moving my chair to the furthest point away from him under the desk.
“One-Nil to Sirius Black-the-sex-god!”
I chose to ignore him, but kicked his chair over while he was trying to distract me. He landed on the floor with an ‘Oof!’
“What appears to be the problem here?”
“Poor little Sirius just fell over didn’t you, can’t keep his balance, how sweet!” I said patronisingly. “Let me give you a hand!” I said presenting my arm to him to grab hold of. He, stupidly, took it, and I dropped him back to the ground again. “Oopsy daisy!” I said holding out my hand again, this time he pulled me on top of him.
“SIRIUS GERMS!” I exclaimed rolling off him as quickly as I could.
“Mary,” Sirius said standing up, “If you wanted me, you’d could have just said! You didn’t need to go jumping on me-”
“Ha! Like anyone would ever want you!”
“Just ask my girlfriend,” He smirked sitting back down. I sat back down too as the teacher glared at us.
“Two-one to Sirius-the -sex-god!” He whispered.
“Répète,” the teacher said waving her arms about. “Rouge,”
“Rouge,” we all repeated feeling foolish (at least I did)
“Rose,”
“Rose,”
“Violet.”
“Violet.” We chorused, and it went on and on...
“Maryyyy, can’t you do the work?” Sirius asked in the most annoying voice possible. “You’re so stupid!”
“Do you know what else is stupid? Your face!”
“I’d say it’s rather an intelligent face,” He commented stroking an imaginary beard.
“Just because you say something doesn’t mean it’s true, in your case it’s generally the opposite,”
“All right. You’re a wonderful attractive person who is nice and fair to everyone and insults people really well,”
“Sorry, I didn’t hear that,” I said looking confused.
“I said... you’re a wonderful attractive person who is nice and fair to everyone and insults people really well!” He said louder.
“HUH?”
“YOU’RE A WONDERFUL ATTRACTIVE PERSON WHO IS NICE AND FAIR TO EVERYONE AND INSULTS PEOPLE REALLY WELL!” He bellowed at me, and everyone turned to look at him in shock.
“Two all,” I said smiling “Hey!” I said flicking through the text book. “I didn’t realise you were famous!” I said pointing to a large picture of a cow.
He grabbed it off me and scowled when he saw the picture.
“Three-two to Mary McDonald the goddess of beauty and intelligence !””
“Old McDonald had a farm e-i-e-i-o!” Sirius sang under his breath as the teacher shot us both a death glare. “With an oink! Oink! Here and an oink! Oink! there. Here an Oink! There an Oink! Mary’s everywhere!”
“Anyone ever told you you’re really funny?” I asked and before he could answer I did it my self. “That’s because you’re not.” We sat in silence for a while until my curiosity got the better of me. “How do you know that rhyme anyway, its muggle,”
“I tend to do things that displease my parents,” he answered simply. “Such as playing with the muggle children.”
“I tend do things that annoy my family too,”
“Well, that’s the only thing we have in common then.”
“Nope, we have another thing in common,” I said grinning. “We’re both female!” I announced.
“Funny,” He commented sarcastically.
“I am the personification of funny; you should know that by now.”
“Oo! Look, there’s a flying pig,” He said sarcastically.
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit,”
“And you’re the lowest form of humanity, but it doesn’t mean you’re not funny. To look at I mean...”
What a big headed bastard.
******
“Who’s that?” Rachel asked, and I looked over to see a tall brunette give Sirius a flirty look.
“Amanda Brocklehurst,” Charlotte said looking up Charlotte always knew everyone meaning she was useful to have her around. “She’s a Ravenclaw prefect, a strong contender for Head Girl next year, she’s on the Quidditch team, she got straight O’s in the OWL’s and she’s dated Thomas Davis, Amos Diggory and Matthew Tyler. She’s overly nice and friends with all the Ravenclaw,”
“What the hell is she doing flirting with my boyfriend?!?” Rachel asked hysterically, and you could see why, it was tough to get a complement from Charlotte, and she had a full list of them.
“She’s sounds perfect,” Lily said disgustedly.
“How annoying,” I commented. “And she looks like a model,”
“She’s got nothing on you though,” Lily said, turning away. “Sirius only has eyes for you Rach, don’t worry!”
“Yeah, perfect’s so boring...” I put in. Lies. Such lies.
“See! He didn’t even turn around!” Charlotte said gesturing to Sirius.
“They’re probably planning somethin-” I began but I was interrupted by a large BANG! Then my seat disappeared and I fell to the floor, where someone threw a slice of cake at my head.
“SIRIUS BLACK!” I screamed standing up feeling mortified, but he’d already disappeared.
******
“It’s nearly only three days till Saturday!” I announced excitedly. For some reason I had managed to put the disaster that was today behind me to celebrate the fact that it was at last OVER. We were now sitting on our beds in our pyjamas just talking and laughing. When you share dorms with someone for six years, you either hate them, or just get on with it. We just get on with it.
“Oh my god, what am I going to wear?” Charlotte asked the thought only just occurring to her, though everyone in the room knew she’d been thinking about it in depth since we broke up for summer.
“Your blue top with the weird sleeves, and that black skirt. Shoeswise... I’d go for your blue flats,” Rachel said instantly.
“You going with Sirius?” Alice asked Rachel who looked as if she was about to explode with happiness.
“Yeah. He’s soo hot! And sweet, kind and caring and aha - he’s perfect!” Rachel said dreamily sinking on to her bed.
“Funny, I always thought Sirius was an uncommon name,”
“What are you talking about?” Charlotte asked looking over in my direction.
“Well, you’re obviously talking about a completely different person to the one I know,” I said and luckily Rachel laughed.
“He may seem like a big-headed prat, but when he’s with me he’s so different. We’re a perfect match. It’s like when I’m with him everything else melts in to insignificance... I think this is it!”
“OH MY GOD!” Charlotte shrieked excitedly. “He’s the one! It’s love!”
Gag me.
“Now all we have to do is get me and James paired off and it’s happily ever after city!” Charlotte said throwing her arms round Rachel in an excited girly hug thing. Oh dear...
Lily promptly fell off her bed. “Y... you fancy James?” She stuttered.
“Yes. Why? You got a problem with that?” She asked going into defensive bitch mode.
“No.” Lily said tightly. “But you should know that he’s too completely on love with me to be interested in you!”
“Oh really,” Charlotte challenged her. “And why would he want a flat-chested ginger like you, when he could have me?”
“Because I have substance?” Lily suggested and for a moment the whole common room was silent and tense. “But I really don’t like him, so go seduce him and get him off my back,” She said hurriedly.
“Excellent,” Charlotte said grinning again.
“You got a date then Mary?” Rachel asked, trying to get the conversation going again.
I snorted.
“Well I just thought as you’re so excited about it, that you might...” She trailed off. “You know that rumour that’s going round...? Well...”
“Basically, are you shagging the hot nurse?” Lily put in, sounding a lot like Charlotte for once.
“No!”
“Just asking, no need to get stressed Mary. What are you going to wear on Saturday?”
“Something that goes with purple.” I suggested stretching out on my bed.
“So... erm... what goes with purple?” Alice asked.
“Grey, black and white.” Rachel put in. “So erm... you don’t have any of the above do you Mary?”
“No. I wear colour. Well... I have a grey skirt and a pair of black Jeans. White makes me look wash-out.”
“Yeah, cause you’re ghost-like skin tone wise. Ever thought about fake tanning?”
“Yes, and I quickly discarded the idea. I’ll just wear something that clashes with purple to make a point,”
“Like yellow? But you can’t wear yellow, cause of your skin tone... It’ll have to be turquoise,” Lily told me.
“Right.”
“Mary, you know when you snogged Sirius?” Rachel questioned after a good ten minutes of complete silence. “Did he do that thing, where we would kiss you, and then get completely distracted by something else?”
“Erm... the first time – no. Second time – yes because I kicked him in the nuts, and I’ve been told that’s pretty distracting,”
“Yeah,” Alice agreed laughing. I stretched back on my bed feeling oddly content.
“Any gossip then?” Lily asked, and we all waited for Charlotte to start talking again.
“Well, you know Frank Longbottom, turns out that his mother...” Charlotte began and I smiled.
Life was getting back to normal – ish.
A/N- Please review cause it really makes me smile and I'd love to here what you think of Mary. Favourite Quotes? Questions about things you don't understand? Improvements? etc...
A/N - Well... I wasn’t expecting this to be long. Or have half this stuff in, but I started writing then it all started flowing out much to my surprise. I wanted to give you guys a little more drama and plot movement than you normally get, but I really didn’t expect to write soo much... So I dunno if it’s good or bad or what...
Also, most of the stuff that’s happening with other characters isn’t all coming on suddenly, it’s just that Mary’s normally so self-absorbed she doesn’t see it. She sort of has a nice person day...
Hope you enjoy, and please review :)
“Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by”
Goodbye to You- Michelle Branch
I was sitting at the Gryffindor table chatting aimlessly to Lily about this and that. I was completely comfortable and content due to the familiarity of this scene, the same thing occurred pretty much every day as we’d talk about every subject that we could think of, then we’d fall into an uncomfortable silence.
“So yeah, then Potter jumped out on me and I dropped all my bags!” Lily complained the distaste evident in her tone. “Oh hey guys,” Lily said as Alice, Charlotte and Rachel sat down with us. “Happy Easter,” She said to them and they returned the greeting in much the same way.
“Happy Easter,” I said quietly only to be ignored. I sighed and my gaze turned downwards as I felt foolish.
“Sirius!” Charlotte exclaimed standing up and kissing him lightly before dragging him into the seat next to her. My cheeks flushed red and I looked away as my stomach gave an uncomfortable jolt of jealousy.
“You’re so much better than her,” Lily’s voice said in my ear quietly so only I could hear. I brought my face back up and she gave me a comforting smile. “The post!” James announced coming to sit down next to Sirius, Remus and Peter in his wake. “That means eggs!”
“For some of us maybe,” Sirius said darkly. I half-smiled when I saw the family owl flying towards me carrying an oddly shaped package.
“Chocolate,” I said appreciatively ripping off the brown paper that concealed my chocolate egg underneath. I busied myself by peeling back the foil carefully before breaking a small portion of chocolate and consuming it.
“Aren’t you going to read that letter?” Sirius soft velvety voice asked and my heart began racing erratically in my chest. I looked at the letter in my hand which had been attached to the package which I had no intention of reading, ever. It was from Karen.
“Y...yeah, later, in private.” I mumbled feeling stupid and inadequate. Then I was use to that, Sirius’s presence seemed to do that to me.
I woke up feeling terrible uncomfortable and rolled off my bed. It was then that I realised I had donned my thick fleece pyjamas and had sweated... a lot. It explained part of being uncomfortable, the other part being explained by my dream, which I could date back exactly to last Easter. Then, I still entertained the fantasy that Sirius would be my saviour, then I had been unconditionally shy, then Lily and I had been as tight as... as tight as Charlotte’s clothes.
Since then so much had changed. I almost felt sorry at that moment for Lily, dealing with me coming back so much changed. Leaving as a quiet, shy, plain girl whom she could seek solace in and had a wholehearted crush on Sirius Black. Coming back as a purple haired, always annoyed, bitter, angry, completely over emotional girl who was now full on enemies with former mentioned Sirius Black. It was hard for her to understand, I knew that, but I found myself not wanting to waste time with stupid mundane conversations. I simply wanted her to get some decent perspective on the world and it annoyed me that she hadn’t and probably wouldn’t before I died.
I also felt bed for failing to mention that I was dying, and I knew I should just blurt it out, but saying the words out loud to someone was a whole lot more scary than you’d think. I was used to things being closed off and simple, I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me, I didn’t want them to think they understood when they had no fucking idea.
Most of all however, the dream made me feel ashamed. Ashamed of what I was, ashamed of what I have become, ashamed of being oblivious, ashamed of chucking that letter into my trunk without a second thought. I hated how hopelessly I had fallen for Sirius only last year, how hopelessly I had been led to believe that I was worse than them, them brought right back up again by a few words so I thought I was so much better. I was arrogant, selfish, oblivious, stupid, annoying and I just kept complaining.
The amount I complained annoyed myself, let alone everyone else! I didn’t want to be a miserable bitch, it had just been happening a hell of a lot recently, and even I had difficulty keeping up with my thoughts. I wanted to be happy, and I tried to see myself in a positive light, but everything was always completely empty. Not even just half empty. Optimism just didn’t suit me, and it wasn’t particularly healthy, I had long since decided, it only leads to immense disappointment. Pessimism led to being pleasantly surprised when things did go right... It made my sense in my head at least.
I sighed pushing the pointless thoughts from my head, no one should think this much on a morning.
I decided it was futile to try and return to the sleep I had been in before the dream had woken me up and instead glanced at the clock. It was now six which didn’t seem a completely unreasonable time to wake (now I was already out of bed at least). I spent ten minutes wondering what to do with myself. Then scalding myself for wasting ten minutes. Then, after fifteen minutes of standing in the silent dormitory, I chose to take advantage of the other four still residing in a blissful slumber and walked into the bathroom. I pulled the light switch and pealed of my sweat-sodden pyjamas. Nice. I chucked them to one side and turned on the shower.
Showers generally woke me up and pushed other thoughts from my mind. I turned up the pressure so the hot water hit my shoulders with force, releasing the tension from my shoulders. I smiled a little while making a million resolutions that I knew in the back of my mind I wouldn’t keep. Be nice to your family, talk to Lily again, stop stressing so much, write a letter to Becky, apologise to Sirius, tell Nate that you know you’re lucky to have him, do some homework, have an early night, relax, go flying... The list went on and made me feel oddly better, so after washing my hair with Rachel’s oddly scented shampoo and conditioner (I still hadn’t been able to get some since she used it up) I slid the shower door open with one last resolution. Right them all down. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it round myself before stepping out the bathroom again.
Six thirty.
I grabbed a quill from my trunk (or as anyone in this century would call it, a suitcase...) and then rummaged around to find some parchment and scribbled the list down, then pulling out another piece and writing a note to myself to buy more shampoo and conditioner in Hogsmead.
I pulled the curtains around my bed so I wouldn’t get the blame for using up too much water or waking them up at six in the morning. I grabbed my wand from the bedside table and quickly performed the drying spell... only it didn’t work. I’d forgotten I had become inept and I shook myself angrily. I tried again, concentrating my anger on my hair, but I achieved nothing. I tried again and again feeling stupid for not being able to perform such a stupid simple spell. I slammed my wand down on my pillow in annoyance, and at last a spark shot from the tip.
“SHIT!” I yelled suddenly, jumping a mile in the air when my curtains set fire. How bloody predictable (not that I’d predicted it, but anyone with a brain would). “Shit! Shit! Shit!” I jumped up and fell off the side of bed which wasn’t on fire.
“Alice!” I exclaimed scrambling to get up as the curtains on Alice’s bed were pulled back. “Alice! Put it out please!” I yelled and she blinked twice before springing into action. She grabbed her wand and put the fire out without saying a word. I was so unbelievably jealous of her power.
“I won’t tell the other’s, don’t worry,” She assured me and I smiled at her thankfully. Alice was a nice person. Occasionally...
********
I often wondered how I became engaged in such fascinating conversations, and how I was lucky enough to have friends whose intellectual capacities far surpassed the norm.
“Yeah, but if you buy foundation that’s a shade lighter you don’t look orange!” Rachel said folding arms over her chest.
“But a shade darker covers up more bad areas of skin...” Charlotte countered.
“Yeah!” Alice agreed, nodding along side Charlotte.
“No!” Lily said shaking her head. “Paler is the way to go!” I sighed and resisted the strong urge to thump my head against the table.
“I have a suggestion,” I said looking at my nails. “Why don’t you just buy the right shade?” They all looked at me in shock as if my suggestion was ground-breakingly shocking and brilliant. As if it had never even occurred to them that they could buy the right shade.
If you hadn’t guessed, any sympathy and guilt had long since gone from my mind, and the resolutions had gone right out the window along with my consciousness. Can you be bored to death?
“Hey,” Sirius practically yelled so everyone turned to see him plant his lips on Rachel’s. “What we talking about?” He asked, sliding into the seat next to her. Opposite me.
“Foundation,” Alice said cheerfully.
“How... enthralling.” Sirius said dryly and for a moment I almost told him that I agreed completely but I just tapped my fingers on the table uninterestedly instead. The last thing I wanted was to agree with Black.
“Where are the rest of your cronies?” I asked when the conversation (which had now moved on to the shade of eyeliner – jet black, or coal black?) became too dull for me to handle.
Sirius just shrugged.
“Speak of the devils,” Lily said exercising her amazing ability to switch from one conversation to another without any effort. (Although it can’t take up much brain to discuss different shades of black...) “Although I think Bat black looks warmer you know?” She said switching back to the other conversation.
I looked up to find that the other Marauders were indeed arriving looking cheerful as ever. Sirius was the only one who ever looked sullen and moody.
“Top of the morning to ya’!” James said in an Irish accent. “How are you all?” He asked in the same accent.
Sirius face broke out into a grin as he saw his mates and I had to admire how close those four were. The Marauders were quite a team. Despite what you may hear in the girl’s toilets, or anywhere with girls, the Marauders aren’t that attractive. They’d look like rats next to models, but they were the best looking at Hogwarts, and therefore they looked so much better by comparison. That isn’t what attracted the girls however; it was the complete effortlessness of everything they did – it all came naturally to them. Charisma wise, they were well loaded, and they had an air about them that meant you had to look at them. Then they’d smirk at you and you’re knees would collapse under you.
Say, if you hand me a photograph of Black I could pick out every little flaw in his face with ease, but when faced with him it becomes much harder. They act as if they’re perfect, which makes them perfect, even though they’re not. I was awed by his presence once, but that had faded now and I could see him clearly again, and it wasn’t half as good as I’d originally thought.
“I’m all right,” Sirius said clapping James on the back. “Why are you Irish today? I doubt Evans will like you any more if you put on a crap accent,” He joked smirking.
“It’s worth a try eh?” James asked. “Gosh I’m famished,” He said pilling food onto his plate and stuffing it into his gob.
“Attractive mate,” Remus said laughing at his ridiculous eating habits.
“Ergguh! You’re making me sick!” Lily complained looking at him disgustedly. James swallowed his mouthful of food.
“No love, the temperature and dizziness is just a side affect of being so close to me!” James grinned.
“I was talking about the nausea, though I guess your face explains that.” Lily said bitterly, though I could tell she was a little proud of her quick comeback.
“You been taking lessons from Mary?” Remus joked. “Maybe you could do with some too mate,” He said to James. “So you can still keep up,”
“Oi! What about me?” Sirius asked faking being offended. “I could give old prongs here some lessons,”
“Erm... yeah, obviously...” Remus said coughing into his hand and looking shifty. It was all just one big joke with them, and I had to admit I was jealous.
“Come on pads, you know you’re not up to scratch,” Pete put in. “I would say you should take some lessons from Mary too, but you know that old saying... You can’t teach an old dog-” he began but he was cut off by the other three joining in.
“A brand new trick!” They finished together, then they were all laughing at some joke I must have missed.
Lily looked over at them too, and I noticed her green eyes fixed on one individual in particular; James Potter. I also noted the absence of the normal disgust that shown through when her eyes were fixed on him, instead they were more curious... intrigued...
James obviously felt the eyes on him and jerked his head round. Lily instantly shifted her gaze so it looked as if she was merely looking to the end of the table. Interesting.
“Who are you looking at, Lily my flower?” James asked and she sent a death glare his way and jumped up.
“None of your business! And why do you always have to call me that?” She asked standing up angrily.
“I-”
“Because you’d think you would have worked out by now that I’m NOT INTERESTED!” She yelled. “Arghh! Forget it! Just get out of my face.” She finished storming out of the great hall. I wasn’t much surprised by her outburst: she had a temper and James rubbed her up the wrong way. She was especially liable to blow up and anyone at certain times of the month, and James did sometimes deserve it...
“That’s it!” James said, deflating slightly. “I’m giving up; my pride has been dented too much!”
“Come on mate,” Remus said carefully, “You say that every day,”
“She’ll come round.”
James didn’t reply but instead just look dejectedly into his plate of food before pushing it away. “Why does she hate me?”
“She doesn’t,” I found myself saying, without meaning too. Four eyes turned to face me, and I flushed red because it was obvious now that I’d been listening in now. “She doesn’t hate you,” I said defiantly, shaking of the ghost of the old me which threatened to take over me for a mere second. “You just... frustrate her, because she can’t work you out,” I finished lamely.
“How do you know?” James asked eagerly.
“I just... do okay. Who else anger’s her so easily? No one. That’s got to mean something, right?”
“It means she hates me more than everyone else.” James countered flatly. I shook my head and sighed.
“You wouldn’t get it.” I said turning away.
“Seems like you speak from experience to me,” Sirius said his eyes boring into me. I was frozen for a second looking into the depths of his grey eyes, which looked so intense and powerful at that moment I wondered how I’d missed it before.
“No.” I said weakly. “No experience.”
“If you say so, Mary,” He said his eyes still holding the smouldering quality until a voice broke our little moment. No. Not moment... Staring contest. That fits it exactly – ish.
“Sirius!” Rachel claimed grabbing his attention.
I shook myself of all those old emotions, and concluded it was just the after affect of my dream last night. It had been so real that I was temporarily slipping back into those old feelings I no longer had.
“You okay Mary?” Pete asked and I jerked myself out of my thoughts to see that all the Marauders were looking at me in shock.
“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” I asked but my voice was a little higher than normal. Sirius, who was now standing up with Rachel, smirked at me and gestured for the others to follow him.
I sat there for a second comprehending what had happened, before realising that the others had all left, and I was sitting their on my own looking like a right plonker. I stood up quickly and hurried to Potions.
*******
Outside potions. Engaged in another ridiculous conversation.
‘James is so annoying!’
‘Sirius is so HOT!’
‘Remus is so kind!”
‘Pete is so... short’
‘I hate James Potter’
‘I LOVE Sirius Black’
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! SURELY YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.
“What do you think Mary?” Rachel asked.
“Huh?” I asked confused, glancing at the door – hoping it would open and class would begin.
“Which Marauder is the hottest?” Charlotte said rolling her eyes.
“Sirius,” I answered without thinking. “NO!” I said when I’d realised what I’d said. “No, erm... James? Remus? Any of them? None of them! I hate them all!” I babbled hurriedly.
“Sirius huh?” Lily asked raising an eyebrow at me. Rachel was raising an eyebrow at me and she did not look happy. Paranoid much?
“No!” I protested, and I was about to continue when out of the blue, my neck was jerked downwards and the sound of laughter reached my ears. It took me a few seconds to realise that someone had put me in a headlock. A headlock. A fucking headlock!
What the hell?!?!?!
“Sirius, I was joking!” A voice called out and the person who was holding me shook with a soft laughter.
“GET OFF ME!” I screamed, laughing at the same time, because it was either a laughing or crying situation. If I started crying I’d have big black trails of mascara and big puffy eyes, and it’s really not worth it.
“Hey Mary! Nice Underwear!”
“Number 16’s? Classy!”
Oh. My. God. I’d forgotten that I was wearing a skirt, and so was now giving everyone behind a view of my underwear (these ones were ones I’d brought, so were infinitely more comfortable,)
“GET OFF ME!” I screamed again and he just laughed. My head was still stuck in his arm, and all I could see was his stomach, and... Below. Hey! You can’t not look at in when your head’s pointed in that direction!
“Like what you see?” He asked so only I could hear. I tired to kick him with my foot, but he chose that moment to release me and I fell to the floor. I picked myself up as everyone laughed and looked at him angrily.
“Sirius Orion Black,” I said with complete calm. “I know a spell that could make your parts stick up into your body and never come down again.” I said and he stepped back. “I know a spell that could make you bald everywhere for the rest of your life, and I have the power to kill you with my left shoe. So if you DARE do that EVER again, I swear to Merlin you WILL regret it!”
“It’s all right knowing the spells,” James said laughing at Sirius’s discomfort. “But from what Sirius tells me, you can’t do the spells,”
“James Potter! How dare you be so rude?!” Lily asked rising up another foot and looking beyond livid. “This isn’t your battle! You have no right to discredit other-”
“ENOUGH!” Slughorn yelled at the doorway. “Everybody In!” He yelled, and we all filled in. The encounter left me riled up and annoyed, but it seemed to have quenched Rachel’s paranoia, and she was now sitting quite comfortably next to Peter.
“I HATE Slughorn,” James spat bitterly from the seat next to me. I looked at him and followed his gaze.
Lily was already talking animatedly with Slughorn about some potion or other. She was sitting a good few inches away from her partner, Snape, and kept shooting him looks which clearly stated that he was to stay that far away or else.
Slughorn moved form Lily’s table and onto the next, a desk where two Ravenclaw who’s parents did something important at the ministry, and began talking to them instead.
“Psycho.” James said still glaring at him. I fought the urge to laugh, the boy was pretty far gone if he got jealous about Slughorn.
“Most people don’t go a person you could mistake for a bus,” I told him in an attempt to be reassuring. “And I’m talking about size and his face,”
James tore his gaze from Lily and looked at me; he smiled to show he appreciated my efforts before returning to his watching. Lily was now chopping up some leaves and roots and it was only then we realised we were meant to have started.
“Pads!” James whispered throwing a ball of parchment in his direction. “What are we supposed to be doing?”
“Page 45,” Sirius said before returning back to flirting with Sarah Bones.
“Right then,” I said flicking to the right page.
“I’ll get the shit,” James said and I assumed he was talking about the list of things we were going to need for the potion. He stood up, his eyes still fixed on Lily who looked to be having a conversation with Snape.
I sat there aimlessly, watching Sirius cut up some purple carrot and I realised that aside from the headlock incident, he hadn’t annoyed me today (much). This was terrifying to say the least.
“How are you then Mary?” James asked and I turned to find he was now back again. I shrugged and took a purple carrot thing from the pile he had deposited on our desk.
“Looking forward to Saturday I guess,” I said and James nodded. Only three days left!
“See about Saturday...” He began and Sirius head snapped round, as did mine. “Well... Ermm...”
Was he actually going to ask me to hogsmead? Please say he wasn’t. That would be cringing and incredibly embarrassing. I’d have to reject him, and that isn’t something I enjoy doing.
James fidgeted on his chair and changed the subject completely. Weird.
“You changed right Mary?” James asked and there was a note in his voice that I didn’t recognise immediately. James Potter was worried.
“You could say that,” I answered simply tapping my fingernails on the desk. Sirius, who was still looking over at us, rolled his eyes.
“Well, the thing is,” He began. “because Lily, I mean, I really want too, erm, well, you know, she’s not too fond of me, and well, I’d like her to... you know like me, and well you kind of changed so I was thinking that maybe you could you know possibly help or something?,” He said and I raised my eyebrow at him.
“Now could you try and makes sense?” I said and James flushed slightly.
Sirius rolled his eyes again and butted in, “What he means is that he wants you to help him change to become someone Lily will like,” He said and I nodded in comprehension. I was about to open my mouth to argue the point that he shouldn’t change for someone but Sirius beat me to it. “But I’ve told you mate, there’s no point changing for love as it won’t be true you need someone who excepts you as you are and I doubt that this little-”
“I do think that it’s not worth changing for someone, but merely making sure she see’s how you really are? Now that is worth it. Plus if you change into someone else, she may realise how much she likes the old you? You know the old saying; you don’t know what you have until you lose it Well I have a feeling that’s how she’ll feel,” I said and James nodded in wonder.
“And what would you know?” Sirius asked nastily.
“Well, I have been there on the odd occasion when Lily’s had a breakdown,” I said mysteriously and James’s hazel eyes were looking excited at the fact that I thought he had a chance.
Sirius snorted, “Like anyone would come to you for advice,” he said darkly.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked angrily.
“Well, you’re pretty fake, you hardly ever have boyfriends, you don’t have any close friends, you suck at most subjects, you lose your temper easily and you’re all full of teenage angst,” He said and I looked at him feeling gobsmacked, “Oh yeah, and you don’t get on with your family, and yet people to come to you with advice, I’m trying to work that one out,” He said and I scowled at him.
“Anyway!” James said over Sirius, he now looked excited and eager. “Well! I was thinking that we could meet up on Saturday, and you could help me!” James announced, and I breathed I sigh of relief. And so did Sirius? Huh? Me and my imagination...
“Yeah okay,” I said and Lily’s head snapped round, and looked at me in disbelief. What was it with people today?
“Don’t you have some other date lined up?” James asked, his eyes darting to Sirius and back to me again.
“No, I’m off guys at the moment,”
“Or are they just off you,” Sirius commented and I shot him a look. “Or are you onto girls instead?”
“I wouldn’t mind seeing that,” James added.
“Shut it both of you,” I said glaring at them both. “I could remove my services James!”
“Ooh, dirty!” Sirius said wiggling his eyebrows.
“When did you decide that I wanted your company? And I think Blondie wants you,” I said pointing to Sarah Bones who was fluttering her insanely long eyelashes at him.
“Well at least someone does want me!” Sirius exclaimed before turning back around.
*******************
“Everybody! Run as many laps as you can, the bottom four have to stay in at lunch!” Miss Quigley yelled. Well there goes my lunch time. “Except Miss McDonald, can I talk to you for a moment?”
No. No you fucking can’t!
“Go on Mary,” Sirius said cheerfully, “Don’t keep Professor Quigley waiting!”
“I hate Wednesdays,” I muttered as everyone watched me walk over to her. I still didn’t like this woman, she was a bitch out here in the P.E. field, yet nice in the classroom. You can’t do that! Just change whenever you feel like it!
What, like you did? Sirius’s voice reminded me in my head.
Whatever.
“Mary,” She said and I rolled my eyes, she’s decided as my only friend is her fiancé, she has the right to talk to me like I’ m her friend. Well I’m not and I hate her. “We’re doing Duelling in defence soon,”
“Oh?” I asked as if I really cared, although we both knew I couldn’t give a damn either way. If she didn’t, it would make her very thick, which wouldn’t surprise me.
“Yes, and you can’t exactly join in, as spells affect you way too much.” She explained, the sympathy in her pretty eyes was overly-powerful for a second as if it was fighting to jump out on me and give me a big hug. Eww.
“Oh,” I said, flatly this time.
“So, unless you want to tell everyone, could you possibly play a prank on me or something, which would mean I could ban you from duelling?”
“No.” I said shaking my head. “No. No. No.”
“Mary! You don’t actually have to do; everyone just has to think that you have-”
“With all due respect! They all think I’m in love with Nate anyway!” I said and she raised an eyebrow at me.
“And you’re not?”
“NO!” I yelled really loudly. “I AM NOT!” So even she thought I was in love with him? Shocker.
“Just checking,” She said. “Well Mary, it’s the prank, or me telling everyone you have to be put back to first year standards,”
BITCH.
“What was that Mary?”
“Nothing,” I said darkly.
“That’s what I thought, now get running, and add twenty to your score,”
I cursed darkly under my breath as I began running around and wondered how I’d ever seen sympathy in those dark dark eyes.
************
It was half way through muggle studies when I realised just what I’d done. Offered to try and get Lily to like James. That was impossible! Improbable! A job of a lifetime considerably longer than mine!
“Very good Mary,” Miss Kingston said. She was a muggle art teacher, brought in to teach today’s lesson. This basically meant it was a doss, but I still had to sit here with paint and pencils and draw the lantern in front of me. “Top of the class! Full marks! Art could be your future!”
I snorted, (I WILL give that up some day soon.) Miss Kingston was... a character. She walked into our class half an hour ago with a suitcase on wheels that we’d since found out was full of art materials. She unloaded them all with frightening enthusiasm, presented us with paper and told us to get out artistic juices flowing. To embrace the artist within. That wasn’t what made her scary, no, it was the fact that she had obviously tried to make herself into a work of art. Half her hair was in dreadlocks which appeared to have been dyed various times, in various colours stretching from a normal brown, to florescent green. She had swirly tattoos in black and grey on every bit of skin visible and she had piercings in every single place you could have piercings. Some of the girls gave her odd looks but I had been in awe at how extraordinary she looked, and I noticed that Sirius keep glancing at her impressed. Looking her up and down.
“This frog is fantastic!” She said moving on to James (she is way to over enthusiastic.) At the word frog and winced notably and shuddered. I wasn’t scared of many things, but I had a phobia of frogs. It originated from a traumatic childhood experience that I have no desire to think about.
I instead turned my attention to Miss Kingston who was now approaching Sirius to comment on his work.
“Hmm... you have potential!” She said to Sirius before moving on. Ha! Potential! That’s art speak for- that’s crap and don’t bother ever trying again.
“Shut it Mary!” Sirius said as I laughed, not perturbed by his rudeness in the slightest.
“Let’s have a look!” I said grabbing his ‘picture’ I turned around and looked over at his picture.
“Now what is that supposed to be?” I asked and I honestly didn’t have a clue. It was a fat blob of green, only he appeared to have got bored half way through so it was half finished and looked more like a swing set on drugs to me...
“It’s a frog!” He announced throwing it at me. I jumped backwards and screamed. He laughed and didn’t bother picking up his drawing.
So he knew about that now? Great. Just great.
************
“So today you won’t be working in your pairs!” McGonagall announced, it was her turn to take team building. Another teacher would take the lesson on the Wednesday, and Miss Quigley would always do the Friday one.
“WAHHEYY!” Sirius yelled at the top of his voice and Professor McGonagall gave him a look. He shut up quickly but I laughed slightly and he caught my eye and almost smiled back.
“You’ll be working as a whole group, blindfolded,” There was a collective groan and all trace of amusement at Sirius’s antics disappeared in a flash. “So! Everyone, come and get a blindfold, then take off your shoes!”
This could not be good.
**********
“What is the point of trying to find our shoes blindfolded? How is that building up a team! It’s not, precisely!” I complained loudly as Lily stood there in stony silence. Although several hours had past and it was now dinner time I was still fuming over the team building and at Kate-effing-Quigley in general. I had however managed to keep my anger in check when it came to every other person so that was good, and generally I was in a good mood. I should have known it wouldn’t last. “Lily?” I asked and she turned and glared at me.
“I’m not talking to you!” She announced and I stopped and looked at her shocked and confused. It wasn’t exactly what I’d expected her to say, as I thought, in comparison to most other days I’d been positively saintly.
“Erm... why not?” I asked and she stood there looking livid, as if it was completely obvious and I was being a bitch by not knowing.
“Well, what are you doing on Saturday?”
“Going to hogsmead,” I replied, utterly confused as to where she was going with this.
“Who with?”
“Oh... James,” Comprehension dawned on me and I knew this couldn’t go well.
“You said you were going with me!” Lily announced. It briefly occurred to me how lesbianic this would sound to anyone walking past...
“No I didn’t, because I have to babysit anyway,” I counted.
“You didn’t even talk to me about it, and we always go to hogsmead together!”
“Only if neither of us have dates!” I pointed out, referring to the pact we’d made way back in third year. Only realising after I’d said it that it made it sound like I was going on a date with James...
“Well then, I hope you enjoy your date with Potter!” She said before stalking off, and I heard the ‘melodic’ sound of Sirius laughing behind me, it sounded louder and more manic than it had ever done before.
“Shut up!” I said angrily. Well that was a turn of events. Since when did Lily care? And the whole idea of Hogsmead was fast becoming less appealing. Helping James get Lily? Like that was going to happen.
“What’s up Mary?” Sirius asked swaggering over to me. “Had a bad day?” He said with mock sympathy. I glared at him, determined to stay calm. He hadn’t actually bothered me that much today, which was scary to say the least. “No yelling? No come back? Tired are we Mary, run out of lines. It was only a matter of time till you sunk back to boring old Miss Nobody.”
I clenched my fists and tried to walk away, I was determined that I would not lose my temper again this week, so I would just walk away and let him insult someone else. My plan was thwarted however by the fact that he walked in front of me. I couldn’t push past him due to his vast size compared to me. So I gave him a dirty look and hope that it would be enough to make him more the hell away. It wasn’t...
“Come on Mary, I’ve missed my daily entertainment today,” Sirius said still advancing on me. His voice was darker than normal and it scared me slightly. “I could do with something to laugh at, and you’ve been inexplicably average today...”
“Shut up!” I whispered darkly a million insults swimming round my brain, but I held them in and instead tried again to move away but he blocked me again. He was scaring me now. The glint in his grey eyes was darker than before and had an evil quality I had never imagined it would ever be there present in Sirius’s eyes of all people, but here it was.
“But why should I?” He asked me cheerfully, not an annoying cheerful, but a down right terrifying cheerful. I stepped back this time.
“Because you’re pissing me off!” I said quietly, not wanting to anger him further because I didn’t want to know the consequences of that. It was surely not going to be good for me.
“But come on, who cares about you? And it’s not like you have anyone else to talk to... Lily doesn’t want to know, none of the others ever wanted to know, your nurse friend is preoccupied with his fiancé, and you don’t have anyone else do you?” He said cruelly.
“Look!” I said still trying to control myself. “Just because you’re pissed off does NOT mean you can take it out on me! I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!” I yelled the last part, anger and nervousness flooding through me.
“Yes but you see, I can do whatever I like,” he said arrogance radiating off him. “And right now I want to piss you off because it’s so entertaining.”
“Just leave me alone!” I yelled and for once I was actually scared of him. He had a sort of manic quality about him that made me down right terrified. Like he’d been possessed.
“No.” He said a sadistic smirk playing on his lips, and it suited him entirely, which scared me even more. “I don’t want to.” He finished.
“SIRIUS!” A voice yelled from down the corridor and the Marauders came sprinting down the corridor. “What the fuck did you do to your brother?!?!?!” James asked breathless.
“He fucking deserved it!” Sirius yelled turning around and shaking with anger now. As if before he’d been holding back and now he was letting the full force of his anger flow out.
“What did the letter say?” Remus asked urgently, as if it was the key to everything, which it might as well have been. “The one from you parents?” Sirius’s fists clenched at his sides and seemed to be using every ounce of his energy to prevent himself from causing someone harm. I didn’t know what had caused him to get so angry and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to know. The last time I had seen him he’d been perfectly calm and laughing and joking with the rest of us.
What had they said? His brother and a letter from his parents.
“Voldermort. Fucking Voldermort.” He muttered violently leaning his back against the wall to support him, almost like he couldn’t support himself at that moment. He breathed heavily for several moments before calming down to a level that wasn’t as utterly terrifying as before.
“Mary!” Pete gasped, the three of them only just registering my presence. They all looked at me with apologetic eyes as if to say that they knew I had been on the receiving end of his anger for a few minutes when in actuality they should have been dealing with it.
“He didn’t-” Remus mouthed at me quietly while Sirius looked away, but I interrupted his sentence by shaking my head vigorously.
He seemed to sense my movement and it brought him back up to boiling point again, he stood up fully, his body shaking with incomprehensible rage. Then he didn’t something that scared me even more than I care to admit; he moved forward half the length of the corridor, and it seemed to me to be in slow motion, as his arm drew backwards and his eyes flashed with anger. Then I looked away and tried to ignore the thump of his fist against the stone wall, what sounded like his bones cracking, and Peter’s gasp.
“Sirius! Fucking chill!” James yelled at him with all the force he could. I now understood why James had been made Quidditch captain, his voice held so much authority that even Sirius, in his less than stable state, backed up against the wall and sank down it.
I turned my gaze back to his hand, unable to keep my eyes occupied with the brickwork, and saw it was an even uglier sight than I had expected. His hand was a Gryffindor-scarlet and already looked inflamed – although that could be because of several of his bones surely must have been broken - and even though his knuckles had collided with the wall a few mere seconds ago, his hand was tinged blue with bruising.
That had to be so god damn painful.
“Here,” Remus said in a softer voice. Remus pulled his wand out of his robes, turned Sirius’s hand over, and rested the tip on his palm. Sirius didn’t wince, but I could see all the muscles in his arms tense up. Remus then uttered a spell that I couldn’t here causing a green light to cover his hand then fade into his skin. He repeated this process several times while James took to yelling sense at him again.
“GET A GRIP MAN!” James yelled at him. “You can’t just lose you’re temper like this! KEEP IT TOGHETHER!” He was yelling and I could see how that method had worked before. It just seemed so wrong and unnecessary on this occasion.
“James,” Remus said warningly. “Come on mate, calm down. Just tell us what’s up,” Peter looked at a complete loss and I almost felt sorry for him standing there wringing his hands over and over.
“Andromeda,” he said when he was finally able to talk properly again. I knew I should leave, that I had no right to be there, but I was unable to move because I could see as clear as day that he was suffering! And my conscience, which was so often locked away, was now coming back at top volume and I sure as hell didn’t know how to deal with it.
“They found out, about you know...” He said looking up at the other three. “So...so... They burned her off the tapestry. Just burned her of the FUCKING tapestry, as if she doesn’t exist! As if she NEVER existed. Like her and Bellatrix never used to play dolls together, like Narcissa was never jealous of her hair! As if she never came over to here and got dotted on by my fucking mother! AS IF SHE DIDN’T EXSIST! She doesn’t deserve a family like that! No one does! WHO CARE SO MUCH THAT THEY CAN JUST BURN HER OFF THE FUCKING FAMILY TREE!”
“Sirius...” Peter said comfortingly.
“That’s not all.” He said sharply.
“Is it helping...?” Peter began but Sirius cut him off.
“SHUT UP!” Sirius yelled at him with all his anger. Pete jumped back from him looking as scared as I thought. Remus shook his head at Peter to tell him that it didn’t matter. That he shouldn’t worry about it.
“The letter.” Sirius began again after a few moments of silence. “Regulus told them that I was still hanging around with you lot, and she told me,” His voice broke now as his rage bubbled over the surface, “she told me, she told me that I was FUCKING LUCKY not to have been burnt off myself!”
He put his head in his lap and a wave of sympathy washed through me. Sirius Black was suffering, and I was doing nothing to help that, surely everything I was doing was making it worse. I’d always considered those rumours nothing short of bullshit, but now I feel awful and began to believe more of them than I thought possible - beatings, cruelty, death eaters and a million other things running through my head.
“Mary, just go. Sorry if he yelled at you,” Remus said softly but I couldn’t move. I was frozen looking at him in so much pain and suffering.
“Sirius, come on...” James said softly, obviously trying this tactic out for the first time.
“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” He yelled and the others sighed and after five minutes of watching him make no progress they all agreed to leave him alone just as he asked. I walked away from him too, but found it impossible to leave him completely alone.
So I did what no male would ever think to do. Not try and fix anything, and just be there.
I slid down the wall so I was sitting next to him, and his body stiffened considerably. “It’s only me,” I whispered and all his muscles relaxed again. I had no words of comfort to say to him, and I’d seen from the Marauder’s failed attempt that it would probably do little good anyway. So instead I put my arm around him and just sat there.
It was one of the most comfortable silences that I’d ever been in and instead of thinking my own troubles, like I always did, I pondered on Sirius’s; I was too guilt ridden for making things worse for Sirius when the thought crossed my mind that he’d also been making things worse for me too. It wasn’t going to change either.
“Sorry,” Sirius whispered after goodness how long, I wasn’t sure anymore. It seemed like he’d managed to calm down back to his normal state and was now just a little shaken up.
“Doesn’t matter,” I said softly, because at that moment it didn’t much, petty differences and annoyance beside, I didn’t want him to be suffering. “I’m sorry, for not caring about your family and that,”
“Why should you care?” He asked after another moment of silence. “I’m just a dick who makes a nuisance of himself,”
“Well, yeah,” I agreed and he smiled slightly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care at all,” I said dragging him up again. I glanced at my watched and sighed when I realised we’d missed dinner.
“You hungry?” he asked when he saw me looking.
“Nah, I’m okay...”
“I know where to get you food?”
“Yeah, I’m starved,” I admitted and he smirked and started dragging me around.
“Oi! Just because I’m hungry doesn’t mean I’ll follow you around like a lost puppy,” He seemed to find this funny and laughed at me slightly, and I didn’t yell because I was glad he appeared to be cheering up somewhat. “Where are we going arsehole?” I asked after being pulled in what I thought was a full circle.
“Tickle the pear,” He instructed me after dragging me down one corridor.
“Fuck no.” I said crossing my arms. “I’m not just going to do whatever you tell me to!” I counted.
“Suit yourself,” He said reaching forward as if to tickle it himself. I looked around for some reason or other and so it came as a great surprise when Sirius jerked my whole body forwards with a simple arm tug and I found myself standing in what looked to be the kitchens.
“Ee!” I squealed excitedly.
“You sound like a girl,” Sirius said pushing me into a seat.
“And what is that supposed to mean?” I asked pretending to be outraged.
“Nothing,” He said innocently. “Thanks,” He said going completely serious again. “You didn’t have to stay or anything, you should have left me to it, I’d have been fine.”
I shook my head. “Think nothing of it, though I’d like to ask for one favour in return.”
“Mary, I thought I already told you. I’ll have sex with you whenever!” He bellowed and a startled house elf looked around in utter shock.
“You prat!” I said, though I was laughing, “The favour I meant,” I said pointedly. “Was that we go back to normal. Not like before the summer,” I clarified at the expression on his face. “Just don’t expect me to be all nice and comforting ALL the time. Or at all.”
“Oh, thank Merlin,” Sirius grinned. “That means I don’t have to be nice either,” he explained in answer to my questioning look.
“Right then, we are decided. We are officially still enemies!” I announced holding out my hand, which he shook.
“Starting tomorrow,” he clarified, clicking his fingers so a house elf came over. “Ham and pineapple deep pan pizza, hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream, pancakes with golden syrup and two slices of lemon cake.” He ordered. “Chop, chop,” He said cheerfully.
“Don’t be so rude!” I reprimanded him, and he just laughed.
“Like you’d be any politer,”
“Just because you have a point, does not mean you can rub it in my face!”
“Mary m’dear, the only thing that needs rubbing in your face is some fake-tan.”
“My paleness is endearing!” I said and he laughed. “It is!” I protested in reaction to his laughed.
“Did Natie-Watie tell you that?” He asked in a mock baby voice. I was about to snap back with some witty retort (if I had managed to think of one in time) when we were presented with the food. It was only then that I realised he had ordered my favourite food’s of all time.
I didn’t say anything, but looked up at him in shock. He winked at me.
He winked at me?!???? I toyed with the idea that he knew that these were my favourite foods, but tossed them aside quickly.
“Gosh, today’s been so...” I began.
“Shit,” Sirius finished at the same time that I finished with...
“Eventful.”
“Eventful?” Sirius asked as he stuffed his face full of pizza. (really pleasant to see his half chewed food by the way...)
“Yup,” I answered not wanting to tell him my life story. Or day story for that matter.
“Soo... you’re helping James get Lily,” He stated. I grimaced. He smirked. I laughed. We both ate some more.
******
“Know any more secret passage ways then?” I asked when we were walking back. The meal had been good, and we had managed to keep away from any arguments and Sirius appeared to be in much higher spirits.
“One more,” He answered and I looked up curiously. “But I’m not going to tell you.”
“That’s cruel!”
“You’re cruel,” He counted and I shrugged. I could hardly advertise being nice was one of my qualities.
“Well then, I’ll be very cruel and torture you until you tell me!?!?!”
“Oo, scary,” he said sarcastically, but he was joking. “Okay, well. You see that painting of the wizard over there,” He said pointing to an ugly wrinkled bold man with a great number of warts.
“You mean the minging one?”
“No, the one that looks like you!”
“None of them look like me!” I countered. He walked forward to the ugly one I’d been talking about in the first place.
“You’re such an arse!” I yelled, but I thought it was pretty funny too.
“Hey, I was giving you a compliment really; you’re not half as attractive-”
“Well at least I don’t have my portrait stuck outside the Gryffindor common room!”
“Oi! Watch it Miss E-i-o!”
“Tell me what to do to get in!” I pleaded remembering the whole point to this anyway.
“Okay, what you do, is you stroke the guys beard and say, let me in sexy!” Sirius said and I walked forward and my hand was almost touching his beard... when he burst out laughing.
“You are impossible! It doesn’t do anything does it?” I asked humiliated in the funniest way possible.
“Aha, you’re so gullible.”
“You know what, there’s gullible written on the ceiling!” I said and he instantly looked upwards, then realised what he done.
“Good one Maz,” he said nudging me, but doing so with enough force to send me flying to the floor.
“Mhhfffgh.” I groaned lying there on the carpet. I was lucky in the fact that nothing was bleeding, which was liable to happen with me.
“Whoops,” Sirius said cheerfully, hauling back up again as if I weighed as much as a rag doll.
“Hey, you’re portrait!” I exclaimed as we arrived in front of the Fat Lady.
“Wow, you’re right, it’s like looking in a mirror!” Sirius exclaimed.
“But the thing is, we’re not insulting you here, were insulting the painting.” I said and while he was working that out. I mouthed the password at the Fat Lady, and pushed him over the threshold.
“Ha!” I exclaimed as he fell flat on his face. “That’ll teach you to knock me over!” I stepped over his legs and into the Gryffindor Common room to see several angry faces glaring at us.
For a start, the Marauders were sat on the comfiest sofa’s glaring at us, well no; their glares were entirely directed at Sirius. It was Lily, Rachel and Charlotte who were glaring at me.
“What time do you call this?” James asked.
“Bob.” I answered. It was a reflex reaction and I honestly didn’t mean to say it, but six pairs of eyes turned to me as if I was completely barmy.
Sirius was smirking as he stood up again. He, having much more confidence than I ever will have, didn’t bother hovering in the threshold but instead sat down on one of the sofas.
“Hey guys,” he said, not as cheerfully as before, because it was obvious he was about to get the third degree.
“We’ve been worried sick!” Remus lectured, standing up and beginning pacing.
“No note!” Peter added crossly.
“No message!” James continued.
“No, I’ll be back soon!” Remus put in.
“It’s MIDNIGHT!” Peter exclaimed.
“What the hell have you been playing at??” They all chorused together.
There was a deadly silence as everyone waited for Sirius to answer, and I fought the urge to laugh.
They sounded so unbelievably like some pushy parent telling off their thirteen year old daughter.
I stared hard at the carpet and tried to concentrate on not laughing. They’re mad enough already for some incomprehensible reason.
Well... no. Lily was mad because I was going to Hogsmead to James (To help him pull Lily...) Rachel was mad because I’d just been one-to-one with her boyfriend for several hours (to cheer him up). The Marauders were mad because they were worried about Sirius, and they couldn’t find him (surely they’d check the kitchens??). Charlotte was mad because she fancied James, and had heard about the Hogsmead thing. Also because Rachel was her friend and Rachel was paranoid that I was stealing her boyfriend. So... no. Not incomprehensible, just surprisingly predictable. (if that makes any sense)
“I’m waiting for an answer! I’m not going to wait much longer! Three...two...one...”
Then I burst out laughing and everyone started at me. I flushed red and sighed. Were things like this only funny to me? Yes? No? Probably...
Sirius winked at me again. I pretended not to notice.
Rachel noticed. Lily noticed. Charlotte noticed.
Oh crap.
“Well then, I’m going to bed,” I said knowing that it was the easiest way to avoid the others. “Nighters,” I said pathetically, before making my way up the stairs.
I sighed as I got changed quickly (In an attempt to avoid the others, who were hanging on a chance to spend time with the Marauders it seemed.) After last nights issues with my thick fleece pyjamas I pulled out the smallest pyjamas I possessed. These pyjamas covered about as much as could be covered by a small handkerchief; a great deal of my leg was exposed and it was cut low enough to ensure anyone who was trying to look an excellent view of my clevage. I still like them though,and it's not like anyones going to see me.
The set consisted of a tiny pair of blue and white striped shorts and a white top with a red anchor on. They had been Becky’s previously and so had the familiar scent of alcohol, smoke, mulled wine air freshener and damp which doesn’t smell as bad as it sounds.
The day had been.... eventful. It was the only word I could think of describing it. I climbed into bed mulling the day over in my head and realising I had several issues:
One, I had to prank Mrs Quigley when I could barely do magic.
Two, I had to teach James how to act around Lily and waste my hogsmead time doing it.
Three, Sirius Black knows I am terrified of frogs.
Four, Lily isn’t talking to me.
Five, I now felt more sympathy for said Sirius Black than I ever planned on having.
Yet my last thoughts before I drifted of into a less than peaceful sleep wasn’t about any of my problems, or even hogsmead, but on my dream and how maybe I was so lucky to have a family who sent me eggs and wrote me a letter on Easter.
Those photos’s I never look at...
Those arguments I always cause...
The letters from Karen that just kept pilling up, unread and collecting dust...
Then I was asleep.
A/N - So yeah... long. Hope it's not too long, too quick, too much? Also, sorry about the longer than normal wait, it got rejected :/
Please tell me cause otherwise I'll never know, and to all of you who reviewed already you rocks :D and all you have had added me as a favorite PLEASE review...
“AUNTY MARY!” A voice screamed and I turned around to see a teenager girl with long red hair and pretty eyes. She stretched her arms out and hugged me.
“RIA!” I found myself saying, wrapping my arms around her. “You’ve grown!” I told her and she grinned at me.
“You haven’t visited me for ages!” She whined and I laughed scuffing up her hair. “Not since my fourteenth!”
“Sorry, I’ve been so busy!”
“We know!” Johnny said grinning.
“JOHNNY!” I yelled wrapping my arms around him. “I’VE MISSED YOU! HAPPY EASTER!”
“Happy Easter to you to sister, but before you get too emotional, I have some news...”
“Dun...dun...dun!” Ria put in happily.
“That’s right, build it up, make it more dramatic,” I commented sarcastically when he didn’t answer straight away.
“Good news can’t be rushed...” He put in happily, knowing the suspension was killing us all.
“Come on!” Ria said impatiently. “I’d like to here this good news before I die!” My expression faltered and all eyes turned to me. “Sorry, I-”Ria began but Johnny cut across her, obviously realising that it was best to put that comment behind us and fast.
“I’M ENGAGED!” he yelled and we all screamed identical screams.
“Congrats son!” Dad said putting his arm around him for a second.
“All we have to do now is get Ria married off and we’re well shot of them!” Karen joked. I found myself tracing the outline of the gold band round my finger. Married?
“So when’s Claire popping out mini-johnnys?” Ria asked and we all laughed. “It only took Maz six months!”I wave of confusion waved over me and I felt like I was spinning and spinning and...
I sat bolt up right in bed and had to tell myself three times before I could accept that it wasn’t real, it was just a dream. Still, out of all of them it was the one that made me feel worse. Not ashamed, or guilty, or anything like that. No, the emotion that filled me now was worst of all – fear.
It pulsed through my whole body and I couldn’t ignore it, it was too strong and too overpowering for me to be able to think about anything else.
The dream had been perfect in every single way.
The feeling that it was a real family, the closeness, that ring round my finger, the news that there, in this parallel universe, I was a mother.
It was everything I wanted and everything I would never get because I was going to die.
That moment was one of the most horrible of all the shitty moments I’d experienced purely because that dream should have been perfect, but it was tainted, a wish that my heart was longing for that I would never come close to. I’d never thought about everything I was going to lose all that much – deciding it was depressing – but it all came back at such a real level that it was impossible to ignore. All those years I’d never live, all those things I’d never experience suddenly felt so much bigger than they’d ever done before.
I pulled my legs in close around me and let the hot tears fall down my face as my tears slipped down my face. It was stupid I know to still find it shocking that I was going to lose all those years, but sometimes I could just put it behind me and forget about it.
Then it comes back and punches you in the face.
I tried to keep my pathetic sobbing as quiet as possible as not to draw attention to it, because if someone asked me what was wrong, I wouldn’t have an answer. Still even the idea of telling someone how bloody scared I was of dying, or missing out, and not living was enough to send me into another flood of tears. None of them knew I was dying in the first place! Hell, I don’t think any of them bar Lily realised my mum was dead until that Transfiguration lesson when I yelled it at that Slytherin, and that was only a month ago, and none of them had mentioned it to me since.
After what felt like hours of lying and mulling over thoughts with an endless wave of tears falling down my cheeks and onto the pillow I decided enough was enough and pushed it out of my mind. It was pointless to dwell on the future I didn’t have. I was more content to dwell about any mistake I had made in the past, because there was a chance that I could put it right and fix it, or do it better if I had the chance in the future, but the fact that I was going to die was definite and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t eat more fruit, or do more exercise like everyone else could. There was nothing I could give up, or take up that would make my life span any longer because of this STUPID condition.
I forced myself to think backwards so I had something else to fill my mind with, anything else. It didn’t seem a good thing however that now my mind was full of the extra problems I now had because of the disaster that was yesterday. I had to prank Professor Quigley. I had to help James get Lily to like him. I had to act normal around Sirius.
None of it was helping, it was all just buzzing around my brain and making me even more confused and lost. It was useless.
I sigh and wiped away the moisture from my cheeks, wrapping my arms around the rest of my body as I tried desperately to find something else to think about. My mind wandered back to the hospital and all the times I’d spend there, lying in some uncomfortable bed with people sticking needles in me and talking over me as if I didn’t understand. As if I didn’t concern me.
That was at least until Nate arrived, insisting that they treat me like a human, that my days in the hospital were better, funnier, bearable.
Maz, I could hear his voice say, it’s all right, your one of the lucky ones. You know when you’re going to die and you can make the most of every minute. Don’t worry; don’t think about it, think about the very last think you thought about before you went to sleep and concentrate on that. Don’t waste your life worrying.
I forced I smile on to my face and prospered myself up on my pillows, scanning my brain for the last thought I had...
The photographs.
Well then, now was the perfect time to look at them it seemed.
So I pulled myself out of bed in my tiny pyjamas and bent down over my trunk to find my photo album. Once I had found it, which took considerably less time that Monday, I stood up and screamed. Or at least tried to.
In the midst of our dormitory in blackened darkness of the night, a figure was standing there looking at straight at me.
The light from the moon which streamed in through the windows identified the figure as... guess who? Sirius bloody Black, accompanied with an expression of complete shock engraved on his rather attractive features; as soon as I opened my mouth he sprang into action and slammed his hand over my mouth, so all the sound I would have made was muffled by his hands.
It was like something out of a horror movie (not liked I’d ever watched one) and my heart was beating fast in a frenzied panic. There are things you don’t expect in life; someone to be standing their watching you when you get up in the middle of the night is one of them.
“Shuuussh!” He whispered urgently his firm grip around me was tight and there was no way I could escape. I was too shocked to move for a second because I was sure if anything else happened my heart would jump out of my chest due to the trauma and stress of it all. His hand was still clamped over my mouth in a way that I swear was practiced, and did NOTHING to calm my fears; it was like been kidnapped by some kind of psychopath. Although, from what I’ve heard, most horror movie villains aren’t hot.
I tried to push him off my once I’d regained my composure, but of course he was much stronger than me. Why the fuck was he up here?
“What the hell?!?!?” I asked in my hushed voice when he had decided I was no longer going to scream and wake up the whole tower, and kindly released his hand. “Do you just come up here and lurk in the shadows whenever you want??!?!?!?!?” I asked angrily.
“NO!” He exclaimed also whispering. “I was with Rachel! But what the hell are you doing rummaging through your trunk at three in the bloody morning?” With Rachel. Obviously. Bloody slut.
“I-”I began but I was interrupted by him grabbing the photo album out of my hands. “Give that back!” I ordered but he shook his head and opened it.
“You got up at three in morning to look at some pictures?”
“Yes!” I answered pulling it back and shoving it in my trunk.
“Right,” Sirius said quietly before realising exactly what I was wearing. My tiny shorts left about 98% of my legs on show and my top was normally so dangerously low that I might as well have just waked around in a bra yelling ‘LOOK AT MY CLEVAGE!’ Even worse though was that when I had been asleep I had pulled my top down even further, so much so that it would be more like walking around topless.
“Hello sailor,” he said quietly. Then he winked at me.
“Fuck,” I said pulling the top up quickly as Sirius just smirked.
“You call those pyjamas?”
“I thought I’d be hot!” I claimed angrily, but still having to keep my voice down.
“Well, the tinsy clothing obviously helped you to sleep...” he whispered sarcastically.
“Well at least I don’t sleep naked!”
“To be honest Mary, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Anything naked works for me.”
“Your fucking girlfriend is right there!” I said pointing to Rachel’s bed angrily. Here he was treating people like shit again when he’d obviously just slept with his fucking girlfriend, who was full on in love with him, and he didn’t even care! “So why the hell are you being such a perverted idiot!?!?”
“It’s what I do,” He said shrugging. “It’s what makes me sexy.”
“NOTHING MAKES YOU SEXY!” I yelled whisper style. Rachel may not be my best friend in the world but no one deserves a slutty scum bag who probably slept with people more often than he did his homework, or changed his socks, or was nice to someone. It just made me angry that people could treat people that way, especially when I’d just woken up after a shitty dream. He had his whole life ahead of him, so why was he choosing to use it in such a crap way?
“That’s not what she said,” Pointing to Charlottes bed. “Or her...” He pointed at Alice’s bed. “And you didn’t have that many complaints once,”
“You slept with Alice? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! She’s so innocent and nice and way to good for you! You know what? JUST FUCKING LEAVE!” I whispered angrily.
“Aye aye captain!” he said giving me a salute. “But you may want to pull that top up again,”
“And you may want to do up your flies, although I doubt you will no point really. You’ll be undoing them for someone else in around thirty seconds!”
“Come come now Mary, I’m not that bad!”
“Oh yeah?!?! PROVE IT!” I hissed at him and he looked taken a back.
“Well, obviously I can’t, unless you want to follow me around and watch me have...”
“Oh just shut up! I know I’m right!”
“You, right? Come on Mary, you’re as thick as the walls of Hogwarts!”
“You know what. I’m going to prove once and for all that I am NOT STUPID!”
“How?” He asked interestedly with an eyebrow raised.
“You’re going to test me.” I told him crossing my hands over my chest and he looked even more interested now. I smirk slid on to his face and he looked at me with an intense amusement.
“How about I ask you a question to which the answer is completely obvious to everyone but you?” He asked his voice soft and weird sounding.
“O...Or you compose a test for me. But right now, I’m going back to bed. SO PISS OFF!” I whisper-yelled at him, turning back to my bed.
It was a good few minutes before I heard the door open and close to signify his departure. I had intended to go back to look at the photographs, but instead I slipped into unconsciousness.
*****
I woke up several hours later when someone screamed. I half-jumped, half-fell out of bed resulting in pulling the all the hangings down.
“ARGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” the voice continued yelling and I realised it to be... Rachel.
“CHILL!” Charlotte yelled and the screaming cut out. “It doesn’t matter really, its nothing!”
“But that Amanda’s bloody perfect!!” Rachel squeaked out, her voice several octaves higher than one should be forced to hear in the morning. “How can he be talking to her?!?”
Ahh... Sirius.
“She just dropped her bag, and he picked it up for her!” Alice muttered worriedly. “It was nothing!”
“Arghhh! Why didn’t you tell me before?!?!”
“I didn’t think it was important!” Alice claimed. “He barely said anything, he was just being nice!”
“Sirius, nice. Ha!” I muttered de-tangling myself and standing up.
“Shut up Mary. This doesn’t concern you.” Lily said her eyes shooting daggers at me. Merlin, I’d forgotten she was pissed at me too.
“You know, Sirius was talking to me too, how come you’re not screaming over that?” I asked dryly, pulling my school uniform from my trunk, leaving the hangings on the floor.
“Amanda is pretty, clever, popular, rich, good, sporty and single!”
“Hey! I’m... single,” I protested. “Nothing like a confidence boost in the morning eh,”
They all ignored me.
“Look, Sirius is dating you, stop being paranoid!” I told Rachel and she looked at me disbelievingly.
Rachel isn’t normally this desperate, or desperate at all, she’s much too girly but otherwise just an average teenager. Sirius has a weird affect on girls.
“SIRIUS IS KNOWN FOR CHEATING ON EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND HE’S EVER HAD!” She screamed at me.
“Well then, why are you dating him?” I asked, but instead of waiting for the answer which would surely break my eardrums beyond repair, I just left them to it and went into the bathroom.
Of course this meant I didn’t realise I was late until much too late, having not looked at the clock. I The other’s had all been dressed and I had thought nothing of it figuring they were just early rises and that someone would be nice enough to warn me. However it wasn’t till I was out of the shower (which was admittedly a long time, because I always have long showers when I’m feeling crappy) I looked at the clock and realised there was about a minute of breakfast left.
“SHIT!” I yelled pulling on my clothes over my wet body as I desperately ran around trying to find my books, while pulling on socks, shoes, underwear and in that order.
It was then that I realised this day was beyond repair and was just going to get worse and worse. I’d probably end up in the hospital wing, detention or in floods of tears.
“Buggering crap!” I exclaimed running down the stairs as the warning bell for first period went. My stomach normally rumbled like some sort of active volcano by break time WITH breakfast and I was HUNGRY!
So I was still doing up buttons when I left the Gryffindor tower, not caring that I looked like a right slut, as I flew down the stairs with my jumper half on.
“FUCKING GODRICK, BEING SO FOND OF HEIGHTS!” I cursed loudly as I came to yet another staircase. At least I didn’t have to run upwards like the Slytherins.
“Miss McDonald!” Some teacher yelled, but I didn’t stop to find out who it was. My legs hurt like hell at this point, and my breathing was heavy and raggered, but nothing as insignificant as time was about to stop me from having my breakfast.
“LILY, WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?”
SLAP.
Laughter.
Yes, I had made it.
I collapsed down onto the nearest seat and grabbed some cold toast, the only thing that was left this late.
“Thanks for telling me the time!” I snapped moodily, stuffing more toast into my gob.
“You do realise you have your jumper on back to front?” Remus asked me and I glared at him. He grinned, but I could tell he had been trying to helpful, Remus generally does. I looked at him for another moment and found that he looked tireder, almost ill...
“Your hair looks even more ridiculous wet,” Sirius commented, bringing my attention back to him.
“FUCK OFF!” I yelled my mouth still full, so it probably sounded more like ‘hmmmpphff hoff!’ but he got the general gist.
“Someone’s mood hasn’t improved since I last saw you!”
Rachel’s head snapped up. Rachel it seemed had gone into the possessive stage... You see, for Sirius’s girlfriend’s there are always several stages they go through in the spread of the relationship. One, ridiculously happy. Two, soppy. Three, ridiculously soppy. Four, paranoid. Five, very paranoid. Six, possessive. Seven, heartbroken (After they’re dumped).
“Yesterday!” Sirius clarified, grimacing at Rachel’s expression. He sent James a grimace and James gave Sirius a sympathetic look.
“Ah crap, we’re late.”
“Come on Mary,” James Potter said dragging me up as I tried to protest with my mouth stuffed full.
Lily shot me an angry look and I groaned. Today it seemed, I was alone in the world.
*****
For the most part of the morning I managed to keep my thoughts from straying to the place in my mind which was screaming YOU’RE DYING and just concentrated on my work. At least I tried to. I worked hard, I didn’t talk to anyone and I made sure I was constantly thinking to avoid those silences in my head which meant I couldn’t not think. It wasn’t bad, but it was lonely. Things seemed to blend away in insignificance and I found that I could barely remember some parts of the day where as other felt as if they were engraved on my mind. Now I was in charms, the lesson before break and it all started coming back to me again and it wasn’t good, and why? Because of a block of metal.
I looked at the metal block that had been placed in front of me and inspected it. The task was simple: to used the charm to slice through the metal, and carve it into the most artistic shape possible. Of course my magically ability had now depleted to a number so close to zero it scared me, and I knew doing the spell would leave me completely exhausted. I decided that if I’d been able to practice magic over the holidays I would be slightly more capable than I would be now, and I was annoyed with myself.
Magic, I now saw, was beautiful. I watched Lily begin to cut her square metal block into a sphere. It was amazing that with just a small movement with a glorified stick could do so much to a piece of sturdy metal without any difficult. Magic was powerful, more powerful that I’d realised when I had the ability to do, and now a yearned to just be able to produce light with a word.
I turned my eyes back to Lily’s metal jealously; searching for any imperfections I could to make me feel better. It provided. The wonderfully curved line that was so close, and yet so far, from a perfect circular line. I smiled noticing how with every small jerk of the hand the metal was cut to imperfection. Lily’s brows knotted together as she tried to make the curve smoother and smoother but never getting close enough for her idea perfection. I could tell that in her mind she was imagining winning with the perfect sphere she was imagining, but it was impossible. With this possible charm no one in this room could get their block of metal to reach their expectations.
Except me. I couldn’t do the charm, but examining the reflective cube I had on my desk, and I realised that it was already completely perfect. The sharp sides exactly symmetrical and perpendicular to all the others, it was truly, unnaturally perfect. I pulled the sleeve of my school jumper over my hand and began rubbing away the only imperfections – the marks from dust and finger-prints. I polished it till I got too bored to do any more, so instead I traced my fingers over the cool material and let my skin absorb the coolness, or more letting the block absorb the heat from my fingers : I felt almost surreal and unearthly as I sat there my hands on my perfect metal block. I could see my slightly distorted reflection in the surface and I looked at it carefully for a while unsure of quite what to think.
Every single day of my life that I could remember I had wished for someone to save me. Every night I’d lie in bed feeling cold and insignificant and wonder what it would be like to have my prince Charming’s arms wrapped tight around me. I wanted to know what it felt like to be love; true unconditional soul shifting love. The type that could move mountains, the type that meant I could just sit with him and be content.
It scared me that it might not happen. That is wouldn’t happen. That I’d die before I even got close.
I’d been depending on that all my life. My dream. The only thing to keep me going when things got harder than I could bear. And now...
All my ambitions and dreams are wobbling around in front of me like a giant question mark. I haven’t got a clue what’s going to happen, when it’s going to end, how much more I can do and it completely terrifies me.
I want certainty. I want someone to walk through that door and tell me that before I die, I will fall in love, that I will understand. I want to know that I will be saved before it all ends.
It’s like a rollercoaster when you’ve been slowly hoisted to the very top. You’re looking over the edge. Then suddenly you’re spiralling downwards, only you’re stomachs still at the top, and you feel so weird, and you’re terrified. You don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m falling, endlessly, endlessly through the black sky with the lights of the stars rushing fast so I can barely see them, let alone catch one. I want to catch one. I want a star of my own to hold close to me so I have something to cling on to before it all slips away...
And yet... The metal cube sitting on my desk somehow had the power to change all of that. No one thought that the metal block was perfect; they thought it needed changing, when really it just needed cleaning. All the dust and dirt that had been added just needed to be brushed off, and someone prepared to do that instead of trying to turn the block into something it wasn’t. Every time they tried to change it, it just got worse and worse with more jagged edges and in the end they couldn’t return it to the beginning even if they wanted to – too much was already lost.
It was scarily like my life, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with that.
Last year I was just a dirty metal cube, and I thought that the person to polish me and make me perfect was Sirius. I can admit now that I entertained the fancy that Sirius would sweep me off my feet and make me perfect. I made up an image of him in my head: I made him perfect and caring and someone who was just as perfect. He would bring me up to his standards and we’d be perfect together. Of course now I could see quite plainly that he was just another lump of metal; useless, stupid, annoying and crap.
So in a hope that I could be more perfect, I started trying to carve myself into something I’m not, now I’m stuck like this, jagged and flawed.
Pieces of me were lost and long gone. I was never going to get them back. The only thing anyone could do for me now was to love every single imperfection and flaw because it showed what I had gone through; like a battle scar, telling a story...
Fat chance.
“Okay class,” Flitwick announced at the front of the room. “Judging time!”
I knew I wasn’t going to win – all I had in front of me was a lump of metal, no one would see the perfection like I could, they’d just see someone who hadn’t bothered, but at least it was still pure.
“Hmm...” Flitwick said as he walked past my block (stretching up on his tip-toes to see over my desk), he just saw someone who hadn’t bothered, so he continued along the rows searching for one which was ‘artistic.’
“I think,” Flitwick said after another few minutes of ‘umming’ and ‘intersting’s he had looked at every single block of metal. “That Miss Prewett has done the best job,” he said and I looked over to see Alice’s. Ironically, it was the one with the least amount of metal cut off, with intended imperfections and zigzagging lines. It was artistic, but it wasn’t perfect. They’re very different things.
“Rightio,” Flitwick said cheerfully. “Please leave your blocks on the desk, you may go.”
“Please Sir,” I said timidly. “May I keep my block?” I asked and he sent me an appraising look, but nodded. Obviously deciding that I wasn’t going to throw it at anyone.
“Anyone one else who wishes to keep them, you may,” Flitwick said, addressing the other members of the class.
“What would I want with a ruined block of metal?” Sirius asked grumpily.
Precisely my point Sirius. Hit the nail right on the head.
“Oi, Mary!” Peter yelled over, “You’re not going to throw that at Professor Quigley are you, you know, for stealing your boyfriend?” I gave him a sarcastic look, and none of the other’s laughed: Peter had the awkward tendency to take a joke too far at the wrong moment. Then, Peter was generally socially awkward, and rarely talked when not in the Marauder’s company.
Peter’s face fell, and I almost felt bad, but not too bad. Marauders = evil.
I was feeling kind of dizzy and a little unsure of myself due to my epiphany of sorts. It’s not the type of thing you expect to hit you in the middle of a charms lesson.
“Bloody brilliant!” Sirius exclaimed moodily. “It’s chucking it down! I can’t swim!” He exclaimed and a shiver went down my spine as I realised Sirius was almost as moody as me. James was nearly always grinning. Remus was always sort of serious but sort of self confident too. Pete was awkward and shy, always looking up to the others for a sign of approval for every little thing he did. Sirius however, was moody a great deal of the time. Like me.
The rest of the time Sirius was over the top and exaggerated, beaming and bellowing, he confused me slightly because I couldn’t work out whether he was actually happy or not.
No matter.
“Thunder,” Remus said grinning. “They’ll be a full on storm tonight,”
“Meaning we won’t be able to sleep!” Sirius exclaimed.
“Sirius, it’s the sixth,” James told him also grinning. “It’s going to be awesome!”
Sirius groaned and I could have sworn he muttered something about the lingering smell of wet dog as they walked off.
“I waited for you,” Alice said unnecessarily at the doorway. I smiled at her. That was cute, nice on might say, but I just needed some time on my own.
“Thanks Alice, but I just need to go get something from my bag, I’ll be back in a minute,” I told her before sprinting away.
It was only once I began walking back to the Common room when I realised something big which was infinitely less important than the fact I was dying (what’s more important to be fair?) but still important and a good distraction: I had to play a prank on Professor Quigley, and I had to do it soon.
I knew full well that it would be stupid to try and think of a spell I could do myself because we all know I can’t freaking do magic anymore, which left my ideas limited.
Okay I had no ideas that were half good enough to get me ‘banned’ from doing practices in defence, none. The best idea I could come up with was putting some form of bucket over the door so some water or something fell on her head... that was lame. More than lame. Lame-cakes with lame cherries on top. Gah. If only I could go to Zonko’s before Defence, then I could buy some stuff and then Pranking would be easy....
Bingo.
Who were the infamous pranksters of Hogwarts? Who probably had a store of Zonko’s goodies up to the ceiling and resided just up two flights of stair cases? The Marauders.
I looked around to make sure no one was around, which they weren’t, so I stood up and ran up the stairs stopping at the door I had watched them enter so many times. I was slightly scared as to what I would find, but in all honesty it was just a normal dormitory. For boys at least... It smelt kind of bad (cheese and wet dog?) but it wasn’t astronomically untidy, just scruffy.
If I was a Marauder, where would I keep a load of shit from Zonko’s?
Now that is a question I never thought I’d be asking.
****
“Hey Mary!” Sirius’s voice said pulling me out of my lonely lunch. Sirius now appeared to be ridiculously cheerful and I decided that he was more hormonal than both Lily and me when it was that time of the month. I didn’t voice these thoughts and instead retorted with the good old friendly greeting...“What do you want?”
“Shesshh Maz, only trying to keep you company,” Sirius said as James and the others came to sit down on the other side of me. “You look a bit down tis’ all,”
“Look! Even if you four twits were the last people to walk the earth, and so help the earth that you aren’t, I would still manage to find more interesting company in some form of slug! So no, I don’t want you to keep my company, and I’m quite happy here on my own. I also know full well that none of you lot give a shit about me, so tell me what you want then PISS OFF!”
“Woah,” James said raising an eyebrow.
“What’s got you all tetchy?” Peter asked as Remus just looked at me curiously.
“Nothing that I plan on sharing with you!” I snapped slamming down my knife and fork. “So really, unless you want this THROUGH YOUR FACE hurry up and say what you want to say!”
“I just wanted to apologise for making Lily mad at you,” James said in a small voice.
“It’s fine. Now leave!” I ordered and Peter stood up immediately. James followed suit. Remus shot me one last, unwanted, sympathetic look before standing up and joining them.
“I’ll be just a minute,” Sirius said and I heard the others leave as I concentrated on my dinner and refused to look at him.
“What’s up?” Sirius asked softly
“I’m dyi-” I answered automatically because it had been the only thing on my mind since I had set the prank into place. I stopped suddenly my eyes wide with horror. “Dyeing my hair, on Saturday!” I corrected myself, my hands gripping the bench underneath me. I had been so close to saying it, it was unreal. “Because McGonagall said I had to!”
“And you don’t want to?” He asked looking at me confused, as if he knew that hadn’t been what I was going to say, but couldn’t quite put his finger on what I had been about to say. “And that’s what’s bothering you?” It was also a very mundane reason to be upset.
“Yes!” I claimed standing up, I needed to get away, to think.
“You know I don’t believe that,” He said standing up behind me.
“And you know full well that I hate you, and I have no idea why you’re trying to bother me!” I yelled running out of the hall.
My hands were shaking as I ran into the toilets, planning on locking myself in the cubical and crying for a while. I couldn’t believe that I’d almost said it, to Sirius of all people. Sirius! The guy who’d snogged me when he didn’t even know my name. Who hadn’t even cared? Who thought he was better than me – and I’d nearly told him my deepest darkest secret.
“Are you okay, you look a bit sick?” that Amanda girl asked when I ran into the loo with a frenzied look in my eyes. Suddenly I felt awfully sick and I threw the cubicle door open and found myself throwing everything I’d just eaten into the toilet bowl.
Amanda Brocklehurst (the perfect one who’d been seen talking to Sirius Black – thus causing this mornings panic) didn’t say anything but was at my side in a minute holding back my hair as I vomited.
“Do you want me to get the Nurse?” She asked and I had to admit that she seemed pretty perfect to me.
“No.” I chocked instantly, not wanting to explain this to Nate “I’m fine, just accidently ate some rhubarb, I’m allergic!” I claimed standing up hastily and finding myself going dizzy.
“Are you sure?” She asked genuine concern on her pretty features. I hated her already.
“Sure as mars,” I blurted out before realising it made no sense.
She gave me a reassuring smile before leaving the Toilets.
****
Things to do in Hogsmead, I wrote at the top of my parchment which I had intended to use to write Transfiguration notes, but I got bored and given up.
1) Buy more shampoo/conditioner
2) Baby sit Ria
3) Help James
Then I got stuck unable to come up with anything else to do. Considering I had been so excited about the whole thing, it seemed to suck a fair bit now.
“You remember this morning?” Sirius asked interrupting my thoughts.
“No. I’m a fish. I don’t remember anything longer than five seconds ago,” I answered scathingly. “Of course I remember! Unfortunately for me it’s engraved on my mind for all eternity and believe you me, I didn’t have it planned that you would ever make it anywhere near my mind but -”
“Shut up. I meant about the stupid test?” Sirius interrupted.
“Oh.” I said lamely, wanting to rant at him but not having anything to actually complain about. The statement didn’t leave much room for witty comebacks.
“Well I made it for you, went up to the Ravenclaw common room and wrote down all the questions and answers -”
“I don’t care if you asked Merlin himself for the questions! If you think I’m denting my pride by taking your stupid un-doable test then-”
“I bet you ten galleons you’ll get at least half of them wrong.”
“Deal. But only if you give me until tomorrow,”
“Have as long as you like,” Sirius said smirking.
“I hate you,” I muttered and a dark expression made appearance on his face and he gave me a dirty look.
At last... back to normality.
***
Defence against the dark arts – waiting and waiting.
“Why so uptight? That lamppost got wedged further up your arse?” Sirius asked.
“Nope, not as far as the quidditch posts you’ve got up yours,” I retorted getting an immense satisfaction in the fact that very soon he’d get what was coming to him, and even worse by stuff he’d paid for himself.
The Marauders had an unsurprisingly large supply of prank equipment that required no magic from me what so ever and I had been able to come up with the perfect idea.
“Alas Mary, you have gotten confused. The ‘quidditch posts’ hang down, and there not really quidditch posts there -”
“So, in today’s class!” Kate Quigley began, and I sighed, I’d been scared she wasn’t going to say the taboo. Everyone looked at her confused as her skin turned a pinker colour. “In today’s class...” She began again, and as she said the word ‘class’ writing appeared all over her body; ‘property of Nathaniel Peacock’ and such things. Across her chest, bum and various other parts were written ‘Nathaniel Peacock was here.’ (This was thanks to a dissolvable tablet I had placed in her water over lunch, good job Sirius showed me where the Kitchens were yesterday)
“In today’s class...” She began again as everyone continued laughing. Now writing appeared in her hair reading similar things.
“IN TODAYS CLASS!” She yelled and this time her bag and all her belongings turned pink and more words appeared on them ‘Nathaniel Peacock is good in bed’ or ‘I heart Nathaniel Peacock.’
Yet if anyone had looked around, they would have seen that Sirius looked much the same. Only with ‘I love Mary McDonald’ and ‘Mary McDonald rocks my world’ imprinted over his skin.
“Right class, settle down!” She said and a tank of green gunk upturned itself of her head.
Then she screamed.
***
I should have foreseen that pranking Nate’s fiancé would produce a less than positive response, and if my mind had been working today I would have warned him and informed him of what she had asked me to do – however as it stood I’d been a little distracted by the whole dying thing.
“MARY! How could you be so damn selfish?” Nate yelled at me, this scarily angrily look in his eyes as I bellowed at me.
How was I to know she’d have an allergic reaction to the gunk? And that the writing was proving impossible to get off. I didn’t? I hadn’t got a clue what that stuff would do and I blamed it entirely on the Marauders. I couldn’t exactly say that I’d stolen the stuff from them could I? Then I’d only get into more trouble and it wasn’t fair! IT WASN’T MY FAULT!
“LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” He yelled, pointing over to her lying in the hospital bed. Her reaction to the gunk had been bad, really bad. Her skin was now peeling and looked red-raw with patches where she had started to bleed. I felt as guilty as hell and Nate’s screaming at me just made me feel even worse and sick to my very core.
“I can’t belief you’d be so childish, and so PETTY to do something like that, to someone I really care about!” He yelled making me feel even worse. Sirius, who was also in the hospital wing to remove the letters, was probably nearly laughing by now. I couldn’t speak up and tell him that he’d got it wrong because I couldn’t find the words, and I was in too much shock that he was actually yelling at me. Nate never yelled. Never.
“You need to get your act together Mary!” He continued to yell. “And I don’t mean just here,” He said his voice dark, and I knew he was angry enough to start using things I’d told him in confidence against me.
I looked up at him with my head held high, because I knew what was coming, and I hated him for saying it already.
“What about your family? Why do you always try to be so damn difficult?” He yelled his eyes flashing with anger and as soon as I’d registered the words my eyes mirrored his.
“I DON’T TRY!” I yelled, and he raised his eyebrows at me.
“Really Mary? So you never tried to make it difficult for Karen at all?”
“I-”
“No Mary, don’t try and deny it! You’ve tried to make things difficult for her from day one, well let me tell you, she didn’t deserve this! She doesn’t deserve a shitty broken family like yours!” He yelled his words filled with more malice than I’d ever thought he would use – he was scared about Kate.
“WELL NEITHER DO I!” I screamed back, my whole body shaking now as he screamed such horrible hateful words.
“Well maybe if you sorted your act out, and stop acting like such a bitch then maybe they wouldn’t be so shitty and broken!” the words cut right through me like I knew they would, and I knew he had every right to say them. He’d never done anything but good to me and here I was nearly killing his fiancé.
“You’re blaming me!?!?!” I asked hysterically because I’d thought he understood and sympathised. When in reality it had been the one topic we clashed on – Nate was into close families.
“YES! I’M BLAMING YOU! WE ALL KNOW IT’S YOUR FAULT!”
“It is not.” I said darkly wrapping my arms around me and pulling them in tight.
“Yes it is, so your mother died? Big deal! GET OVER IT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!”
“DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT TO ME!” I yelled and he gave me an incredulously look.
“Why not? They’re all thinking it, and if you bothered talking to them enough then you’d know! How many letters have you had off your father this year?” I asked coolly.
“NONE!” I yelled back.
“Johnny?”
“NONE!” I yelled again.
“Becky?”
“None!”
“Any other friends from back home?”
“None.” I said flatly this time.
“Karen?” He asked and I didn’t answer. “Eighteen,” He answered for me. “And what did you do? You ripped them all up! She is the only one that still cares-”
“I DON’T CARE WHAT KAREN HAS TO SAY!”
“That’s right; you don’t care about ANYONE BUT YOURSELF! NOW GET OUT! I CAN’T STAND TO SEE YOU ANY LONGER!” He screamed, and I took that as my cue to run.
I collapsed outside of the hospital wing and began to cry. I cried a lot, things I’d been pushing back that burst their boundaries and were hitting me at full force. My best friend. Poor Karen. Poor me.
I stood up and found myself going dizzy. Really dizzy. So I sat back down again, my back against the cold stone wall. I’d probably feel better if I’d had time to eat breakfast and hadn’t thrown all lunch up, but I could change it now.
“Mary?” Sirius’s voice asked, and I looked up to find him now word-free standing over me. “Are you okay? You look really pale!”
“I’m fucking fantastic, now piss off!” I yelled at him, closing my eyes to block out my vision which was wobbling around unfocused.
“Mary, I’m sure he-” Sirius began.
“When did you think I began caring about what you thought?” I asked angrily.
“Oh what’s the point? I just thought, as you look a bit upset you might-”
“Well I don’t, so leave me alone!” I yelled before turning around and hitting my fists against the cold stone of the wall.
How dare he say that to me? How dare he? Bloody bastard! Why should he have the right to say things he knows full well it rips my heart up.
“Mary, your hands!” He said and I looked down to find them bleeding, oh yeah, I forgot about the whole being weak thing. “Mary, you seriously don’t look very well to me! Mary!” He said again, as a funny feeling rose up inside of me and I felt myself beginning to shake.
“Mr PEACOCK!” Sirius yelled, but didn’t get an answer. “NATE! I THINK THERE’S COMETHING WRONG WITH-”
And then I felt my head hit the floor.
******
“Okay, you hold up her head, and I’ll slip the bandages underneath,” Nate’s voice rang out.
“Fuck! She bleeds a lot!”
“Language, Mr Black!”
“Sorry Professor Quigley,
“Shut up both of you,” Nate asked more angrily than the situation needed.
“When are you two going to get married?” I asked suddenly and there was a gasp of surprise.
“Mary! Go back to sleep!” Nate told me. “Go back to sleep right now!”
“I can’t, I’m not tired,”
“Oh Merlin, trust you to be difficult, drink this!
“Arghh,” I said chocking on the thick liquid. “That’s vile and-”
******
“Mary, can I ask you a favour?” Nate’s voice said as I opened my eyes.
“No.” I said flatly, turning away from him. I was angry – bloody furious. He shouldn’t have said any of that to me. Never. He shouldn’t have even thought it!
“Mary,” He said pleadingly. “I’m sorry okay,”
“No.” I snapped again and he sighed.
“You’re just a lot to handle,” He said. “And I was stressed,”
“I don’t care.”
“I shouldn’t have said any of that,”
“I know.”
“You’re doing really well considering everything,” He said and I didn’t answer. “Mary! I was just angry because you really should have done that!”
“She told me-”
“I know what she said!” He interrupted me, glancing over at the bed where several bodies were lying. “She told me afterwards! I wouldn’t have gotten so angry if I knew...”
“You wouldn’t listen to me!”
“I was angry okay! And you shouldn’t have gone so overboard!”
“I didn’t mean too!”
“I know, I know,” He said coming over to sit at the side of my bed. “I should have said any of that stuff, and you have all your problems too Mary, but with Kate... I thought she was going to die! Then because I knew how doing the magic would have weakened you. You need to stop doing so much! You’re killing yourself, and I love you too much to see you do that!” He said and I nodded.
“I’m scared,” I said beginning to cry again.
“I know, I know,” He said bending down and stroking my hair. “But try not to worry about it, just go to sleep,” He said kissing my forehead and a father-like fashion. “Sleep tight Maz,” He said softly and all my anger at him melted away.
I was a bitch and sometimes I guess I needed someone to tell me it straight. It fitted in with what the dreams and everything else in the world seemed to be saying – grab on to your family and don’t let go. If only it was that easy.
“It would be easier, if I didn’t keep getting visits from Easter’s past, present and future! Dreams...” I explained when he looked confused.
“It’s been keeping you up?”
“No, just waking me up and stupid times in the morning.”
“Maybe that’s why you fainted, how much have you eaten today?”
“I was late for breakfast, because none of them thought to tell me the time and just buggared off. Then I threw up lunch...”
“Mary! You should tell me these things!”
“But it wasn’t a big deal, it was just cause...” Nate threw a glance over at the other bodies in here.
“Who are they?” I asked, not wanting to say any more in case it was someone I knew.
“The Marauders,” Nate said and I froze in horror. “Lupin has injuries, and they wouldn’t let him stay on his own.”
“Weird,” I commented. “I swear someone told me that he’d gone home to visit his grandmother after lunch,”
“Erm... he may have done, but he’s back now,” Nate said and I could tell he was lying to me. “Anyway, you should sleep, and I have some stuff that will stop the dreams,” He told me brining over a flask of potion. “You won’t want all of it; you’d never wake up, what with your... blood condition and all,” I nodded and took a sip, glancing over at the Marauders as I did to see a pair of eyes looking at me suspiciously.
I tried to tell whoever it was to piss off, but the words were lost before I could say them as I sunk back into the pillows in a wave of dreamless sleep.
A/N - Not the greatest chapter in the world admittedly, but it's Hogsmead soon so that's exciting as after Hogsmead everything starts changing :) Also if I've made any mistakes (which I reguarly do) please point them out so I can correct them.
Please please please review, because it really makes me smile and inspires me loads :D
My eyes slowly opened and I felt the sun-light scattering over my face.
The dreamless sleep potion had cleared all those thoughts from yesterday right out of my head. I felt the sun on my skin as I moved slightly to an even more comfortable position. My body felt completely and utterly relaxed – every muscle seemed to be comfortable as my body lay indented on the bed. The pillow – different to what I was used to – was soft and altogether lovely. I was warm, not too warm, but blissfully warm at a temperature that would take years to get just right. I didn’t move. I wasn’t in a rush. I just lay there on the bed looking at the white of the ceiling feeling wonderful.
“Morning,” Nate said and I moved my head over so slightly to see him. If this was heaven (which is sure felt like it) I could fully believe that Nate was an angel. Forgetting all of yesterday’s drama I was so glad that I had Nate and this morning, seemingly so perfect, made me appreciate all the little things for some weird reason.
Maybe it was the sleep potion (which I had managed to take the exact amount of). Maybe it was because for once I was not surrounded by screaming, hysterical, bitchy teenage girls and instead in the company of my very own angel (in the most platonic way possible). Maybe it was some painkiller that hadn’t worn off, so I was high. Maybe it was just one of thoes random freaky things that happen... I don't know.
But somehow I had woken up in a good mood, and I absolutely loved it. The sky, cleared from the storm last night (which I had been unconscious for), had cleared to a beautiful blue and one of those beautiful end of the summer days – admittedly a late one considering it was now October. The hospital wing seemed to be a heavenly white (rather than the glaring hygienic state that it normally seemed to be) and I was quite happy to just lie in bed forever.
“You woke up just in time, you better get ready,” Nate said. Wow. The right time? Maybe I'd just died, heaven had exsisted and I'd managed to get in... hahah. Me, in heaven! What a weird thought. Then this was an extremely weird suitation - good things like this just don't happen!
I climbed out of bed without putting up much resistance, without trying to spend as long as I physically could in the warmth of bed because the outside world, for once, seemed to not be a hostile environment but just as pleasant as being tucked up in bed. Madness.
I got changed quickly (probably because I didn’t have a mirror so I couldn’t do my make-up) and sat down on my bed whilst Nate did my final assessment to decided whether I could go or not.
“Nate, I like that dreamless sleep potion,” I told him, a smiled playing at my lips as I looked up at his familiar friendly (and gorgeous) face.
“I thought you would,” He said dryly, although I could tell he was amused and glad that, for once, I appeared to be happy. “And before you ask, no I’m not giving you some for every night; you’ll become addicted to it.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad to me,” I said happily and he laughed slightly.
“I’m not having you sleeping the rest of your life away,” He commented writing something on my notes.
“It would save me a lot of trouble!” I claimed.
“No.” He said flatly and I found myself laughing: it was only then that I realised how long it was since I’d last laughed, it felt a long time at least. Thinking back it would have been only Wednesday, but before then laughter had been pretty scarce and it was a shame – a real shame. I loved to laugh; it was such a free happy feeling which seemed to loosen the weight pressing down on my chest just slightly.
“You look happy,” A voice said and I looked around to find Sirius standing there looking at me appraisingly. It pained me to refer to him as another angel in my head, but it did feel that way somewhat, he seemed to fit with the image I had of this heavenly morning simply because he was bloody attractive. His voice shattered this image slightly; bitter and unhappy, but it still fit somehow in my head and I even found myself wishing that he was happy too. It seemed like such a waste of a morning to be unhappy.
“You don’t,” I retorted cheerfully because there really was nothing else to say. I found myself examining his features carefully with all the lines of annoyance, that usually mirrored mine, engraved on his face. As far as I could remember, before this year those lines had very rarely occupied his face but they now seemed omnipresent. Then, so were mine.
There was something about this year that just oozed distress in a big way, or maybe it was the whole dying thing... Then most people seemed to be a lot less content than last year, which didn’t even make sense considering O.W.L.’s were over and N.E.W.T.’s were a year away. On the other hand it could be to do with the growing tension between Slytherins and Gryffindor (which I was mostly isolated from by luck) and the bad feeling in the wizard world (which I had heard being discussed over meals). N.E.W.T.’s, prejudices and waging wars didn’t bother me all that much because I was dying and wouldn’t live to see it, as selfish as that was. So what was bothering me?
My family – obviously, no one has such a screwed up family and doesn’t worry about it.
Dying – obvious again.
What else? Because all these things had bothered me for years and years, so what made it worse this year? What else was bothering me?
Sirius Black – that’s what. Even now here he was facing me and searching me for some kind of answer to a question I wasn’t going to bother considering – it wasn’t like I would ever understand the male mind. I had tried, I had failed, why bother trying again? ( I know McGonagall would be proud of my attitude).
Then I remembered why Sirius was here in the first place: how Remus had been ill, so they’d all insisted on staying in the hospital wing all night. “How’s Remus?” I asked not even feeling stupid or abashed for staring at Sirius for a good few minutes while sorting out my thoughts.
“I’m fine,” He said stepping out from behind a curtain (which is where you have to get changed in this place) He looked tired, but then all the Marauders did, but not utterly unhappy. He still looked ill, but there was a wildness in his eyes like a small child just let into a sweet shop, and something else too which I didn’t understand.
“How’s your grandmother?” I asked in an attempt to be polite. As if...
“Oh... good,” He replied quickly grinning at me. There was definitely something in his eyes which was different, and I noticed as his eyes flicked to the sky, then back to me. Then he looked at Sirius and there was a flash of guilt, but it was so quick I thought I’d made it up.
“So what was up?” I asked trying to work out where Remus had looked, my eyes travelled over Sirius looking for something because there had to be something. Sirius gave me an odd look as my eyes traveled up his legs, onto his arms, chest and finally his face.
“Just cut my arm up pretty bad on some wire,” He said and he was looking at me, looking at Sirius. I looked back up at Remus and studied his face, waiting and wishing that he would look back at Sirius so I could identify just what was wrong.
“Really? Cause I swear you looked ill yesterday?” I commented suspiciously.
“You really can’t talk, you look ill everyday.” Sirius said, and although Sirius always talked like that, it was more to capture my attention, away from Remus. They were hiding something.
It was after this revelation that James stepped out from behind the curtain in his school uniform. “Hey look, it’s Mary!” James said as if he was surprised to see me. I stretched my hand out for him to shake it and he looked at it questioningly.
“It’s so good to meet you captain obvious, I’m a fan!” I said once he’d taken it tentatively.
“Ahh Mary! You are oh so witty and you’re looking dashing this morning,” He said grinning.
“Yes sir, captain obvious sir!” I said and he laughed.
“Excited for Hogsmeade?”
I felt a grin spread across my face at the thought of it.
“I think we’ll take that as a yes,” Remus said though I’m positive they were just to keep me talking as long as possible.
“Got a date then?” James asked cheerfully. I shook my head.
“Well, I suppose Peacock over there doesn’t think Quigley is that dumb so can’t take you anywhere, and it’s not like anyone else would be interested.” Sirius said and I raised my eyebrows at him.
“I’m sure I could find someone, you manage to find people desperate enough all the time, so it can’t be that hard.” I said cheerfully enough. “Anyways, why would I want a date when I have the delight of James’s company?” I joked, but it was without the edge of annoyance my voice normally carried.
“Someone’s not bitter and angry today?”
“Someone got laid last night,” Sirius commented, “And for once it wasn’t me,”
“I assume you’re referring to me, in which case you’re completely wrong, out of order and plain stupid.” I said smiling slightly.
“Woah,” James Potter said looking at me careful. “No yelling? Explosions? Slapping? What’s happened to you?”
“Just basking in how satisfying pranks are,” I retorted. “And not having to wake up to screaming girls,” I said wrinkling my nose and reliving yesterdays unpleasent expereince in my head.
“Ah, you understand the beauty of a prank? That’s good, a good quality in a female, or a male really... rare in females...Lily seems to have that quality, buried deep down inside of her-”
“I’ll come back in twenty minutes,” I said as James slipped into a sort of daze. “About Hogsmeade, I think you’re doing great with Lily, so you’ll be fine...”
“Yesterday she said she hated me. She hexed me. She ignored me. Yelled at me and refused to look at me all in a space of ten minutes while you were unconscious, because I complimented her!”
“Let’s just let love play it’s natural course?” I suggested, having no desire to attempt to fix all the things Lily found annoying about James potter... it was just not worth it. It would take me several years to work out what Lily acutally found annoying because I had feeling it was just the fact that he exsisted that bothered her most. There was a simple way to fix that but I doub it would do James any good. Although...
“You don’t want to do it?” James asked bluntly. It was a fair and accurate question which should be replied to in a fair and natural way.
“No. Not really.” I replied flatly. “I don’t want to and I don’t see why it will do me any good,”
And the award for the most selfish person ever goes to... Mary McD!
I remember reading a book once about a girl who was dying and became all nice and saintly, it annoyed me to hell, how could anyone be like that?
“Alas, we thought we might run into this little misunderstanding,” Sirius smirked. “But you no longer have a choice,”
“And why would that be?” I asked with an odd feeling that I already knew, but just didn’t want to admit it.
“I’d recognise personalised–tabooed–skin –writing–tablets anywhere.” Remus said simply. “Plus, we saw you in our dorm from outside - purple hair is easy to identify -we were down in kitchens when you were-,”
“I would have seen you!” I interrupted but Remus talked over me. I had to admit though, they had me pretty good as I'd just admitted it was me with my last statment. Nice one Mary... Sirius smirked at me and I folded my arms in mild annoyance.
“We could smell the stuff from Sirius’s drink and we have some stuff missing from our supplies including skin-peeling-gunk.” I took me a second to comprehend what they’d just said, but then when it clicked I was livid. Bloody livid.
“You knew it would peel her skin off?” I asked glaring at the four of them. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?”
“Woah Mary, we didn’t know about the gunk. We just thought you were going to write all over her.” It sounded convincing enough but I still didn't trust the Marauders that much, it wasn't generally a wise thing from do as I had learnt from expereience. "We thought you would have read the packet."
Well, that would have been a good idea wouldn't it. I worry about myself sometimes.
“So why didn’t you tell of me?” I asked curiously, I know I probably would have had no qualms about handing them in. Or maybe just blaming it all on Sirius...
“Sirius said it would be amusing, and he was right, it was brilliant.” James said and I wondered whether I should take that as a compliment or an insult but then another thought hit me and I was angry again.
“Why the fuck do you have skin-peeling-gunk?” I asked angrily, they looked at each other guiltily.
“Snape,” Peter said after a few minutes of an awkward silence.
“You thought Snape deserved to have his skin peeled off?” I yelled angrily. “That anyone deserves that? Right. Rule number one – Pranks will be funny, not cruel. No harm to anyone other than embarrassment, and that’s minimal! No protesting!”
“Right, now you sound like McGonagall.”Sirius said flatly, pushing past me and giving me an evil look. Nothing new there then.
“Well, that’s a step up from sounding like you,” I retorted, but it was more playful than my normal snapping.
“Which a few billion steps up from sounding like you normally, as in a stuck up cow!”
“Cows,” I said picking up my school bag to look though what books I would need, “Are lovely creatures,”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t be insulted,” James said cheerfully. “They have big udders,” He said looking pointedly at my chest.
“And you have a really big...” I began looking at a random point on James’s head. “Oh, no wait, sorry. My mistake.” I corrected myself once James had reached up to the spot I had stared at.
“Clever,” James said wryly. “Come on then guys, time to go for breakfast.” He said and they turned away, stopping to pick up their bags which they seemed to have already packed – as if they knew they’d end up here...
That’s when I saw it – the point that Remus had started at on Sirius’s arm. A cut – obviously healed by magic (not very well mind you)– stretching from his wrist upwards and under his robes so I’d never see how far it went.
“What’s that-” I began but Sirius quickly, a little too quickly, pulled down his sleeve and they walked away, Remus the only one of the four looking anxious.
I briefly wondered what it was, but cast it aside; It was no use trying to work them out.
The Marauders were a mystery that everyone was trying to unfold – it was part of what made them so desirable.
I sat there pondering for another few minutes about the Marauders and the mysteries around them will Nate took my temperature, blood test, pulse etc... (Yeah I know, overkill much?)
“Well,” he said after hours of prodding and probing. “You seem fine – enough.”
Wow. Reassuring.
“Nate, can I go have a shower before school?” I asked and he nodded.
“I’ll write you a note, and then you can have breakfast afterwards in the Kitchens. I’ll show you -”
“I Know where the Kitchens are,” I said simply and Nate rose an eyebrow at me.
“Well then, as soon as your done you have to go to Transfiguration,” He told me and I grinned standing up and hurrying to the dorm so I could have a nice, long, peaceful shower with none of them there...
No one was in the corridors as I made my way thought them and I could almost here the corny music in my head like some cheesy film but it only made my smile. I walked slower than normal because I was in no rush, I had all the time in the world (the power of the note Nate had given me) so I took the time to appreciate the fact that I lived in a castle.
How cool is that? I, Mary McDonald, live in a castle! If I told my muggle friends (the whole one of them...) that I lived in a castle they wouldn’t believe me. Yet, I did!
Erm... yeah... defiantly high from something.
“Cogswald,” I told the Fat Lady, who appeared to be in a dreadfully mood. She scowled at me but swung open without a word. “Thanks,” I said stepping over the threshold and absorbing the wonder that was... the empty common room. I was definitely seeing the appeal in skipping lessons – you got the comfiest sofas and could do whatever the hell you wanted and I loved it. I climbed the stairs and threw open the door fully expecting to be completely alone but my expectations were not met.
The back of a head (attached to the front of a head, and a body) and waves of red shiny hair were visible; Lily. She was sitting on her bed and appeared to be sobbing into her hands and thus my shiny-happy world was shattered.
“Lily?” I asked even though she wasn’t talking to me I figured she needed someone to talk to now at least. She looked so morose and just un-Lily like. Lily was... well. It’s hard to explain her because she has so many different levels. I suppose she get’s pleasure out of the simple things – just talking about anything much, scoring well on a test, a sunny day... it was all good to Lily so she was mostly smiling. Then she had a BIG temper; she wasn’t as mood swingy as me (which is pretty hard) but she wasn’t exactly stable. She had brilliant comebacks when she was angry and usually put them to good use against James (who was generally the cause of all her anger anyway). Then she’s clever, pretty and popular. It’s hard to really get underneath her skin and she’s very stubborn when she makes her mind up about something or someone. She hates being wrong but will admit it readily to anyone who isn’t James Potter when she is and at times she can seem shallow but I know that’s not true. She’s a control freak who follows rules as if they’re laws and sometimes has difficulty lightening up.
I knew all of this because of our years of friendship, yet I could barely remember seeing her cry.
“Mary! You’re better!” She exclaimed but her voice broke as she spoke. The person I knew, or thought I knew, was lost and in a much worse way than I’d ever seen her – maybe there was more to Lily Evans than even I knew. “I was worried, I came to see you,” She explained trying to talk over her tears. “And then Potter... he was being a dick! Then they all went out and...” She trailed off into a renewed wave of sobbing.
I walked over to her bed and sat down next to her. I was reminded of when Sirius had been in this state, then all I’d had to was sit and be there, but Lily seemed less angry and more likely to want to talk.
“I’m not going on a Date with James,” I told her because I couldn’t think of anything to say and didn’t fancy probing because I knew if she wanted to say it she would. “I’m just helping him with Potions because he was struggling, you know that’s not his best subject,” Lily sat in silence for a good few minutes with tears still falling down her face.
“Transfiguration.” She said. I gave her a puzzled look. “That’s James’s favourite subject, but why do I know that Mary?”
“I don’t know-”
“And why does he make me so angry? Why does he make my blood boil!?!? How can he get to me so easily!?!?” She asked and I knew I didn’t have the answers. “Don’t you get like that with Sirius; don’t you wonder why he annoys me so much?”
“Well that’s because he’s a twat.” I said simply, that was an answer I could supply easily. Lily laughed through her sobs but it still sounded slightly uneasy. “Is that what’s up, James? He didn’t steal your trousers again did he?”
“No,” She answered stiffly. “He stole my make-up and claimed my ‘natural beauty was being covered up’ which means he basically called me ugly! But that wasn’t it, it’s just... I miss Sev.” She finished lamely. “He was like my best friend, and then...”
“Yeah,” I said softly. “Have you ever thought maybe you should forgive him, it was just a slip of the tongue?” I suggested and she shook her head angrily.
“He’s a death eater. My old best friend – he’s dead.” She finished standing up. “That thing is just a twat inhabiting his body,”
“Now come on Lily, that’s not fair. What sort of twat would choose Snape’s body? It’s hardly desirable.” Lily laughed again, and it was a little lighter this time.
“Maybe twatness is just in the air then,” She said joking slightly.
“Well duh, have you talked to any male recently? It’s like they’ve been employed to annoy us,” I said trying again to lighten the mood. “Come on now Lils, you need to go to class. Can’t lose your top position of the class can you?” I asked and she nodded wiping her face with her sleeve. Her mascara, by some insane miracle, had stayed around her eyes. Her cheeks hadn’t puffed up red and she didn’t look like she hadn’t slept in years.
Now why can’t I cry like that?
“Right, I’ll have a shower and I’ll join you in Transfiguration in a few min -”
“I can’t go in on my own!” Lily claimed. “Everyone will ask where I’ve been, and they’ll all look at me and-”
“Whoa, let’s avoid the hysterics. Seriously though, I need a shower and I need food. I probably have blood encrusted in my hair and all that crap.” She sent me a pleading look that I couldn’t ignore, especially in my good mood which rendered my quite charitable it seemed. “Can’t you just wait for me to have a shower? Or eat?”
“We’ll miss half the lesson!” She exclaimed and now al thoughts of Snape and James were out of her head – bang! – as she realised that she was, god forbid it, late! Oh no! Tragic!
“Damn you Lily Evans.” I said standing up. “If I starve to death, or someone dies because I smell or the sight of my hair then I hold you responsible!”
She smiled, but she still didn’t look her normal self so I decided to avoid the sarcasm and my warped sense of humour until later.
“And you won’t get told off, I have a note,” I told her and she smiled in appreciation.
*******
My good mood lasted through to lunch, which surprised me greatly. So I found myself sitting on the lunch table happily as I tucked into my food.
Strange to think this time yesterday I had been very pissed off and almost told Sirius about the whole... dying thing (the thought still made me nauseous). So I was content enough to be sitting by myself eating my healthy, well... more so than normal, food. It didn’t even bother me that the Marauders were sitting awfully close because they were engrossed with a serious conversation about something or ever which, from the looks of it, was Remus trying to convince the other three something but failing miserably. On further inspection I noticed that the wild look in Remus’s eyes was gone and the guilt, which had only flashed into existent before, now held the most power in his expression.
“I’m telling you she doesn’t know, and even if she did she wouldn’t tell anyone!” Sirius claimed, his voice carrying across to me. “She wouldn’t! Trust me, I know her better than you three.”
“Sirius, I highly doubt that.” James said shaking his head. “Because that would make no sense whatsoever!”
“Arghh! I’m going to be kicked out!" Remus exclaimed dramaticaly.
“She wouldn’t care! I swear-”Sirius said when Peter interrupted him.
“Mary!” he said overly-loudly. “How lovely to see you!”
“Erm... yeah,” I commented confused. The others shut up immediately and I decided that Peter’s voice, which was normally very quiet, was put on to capture their attention; he was playing look-out and I wasn’t supposed to hear. Sirius sent me a dark look, and I turned around unable to look at him, and instead turned back to my plate. I was still listening, but they were silent and I knew that conversation was over.
“Mary,” A voice said and I turned around to see Lily. I hadn’t seen her since we’d walked to transfiguration together this morning, so we’d had no chance to talk. “You know what I said earlier, well that isn’t all that was bothering me.” She said sliding into the seat. She seemed very determined to say this and so hadn’t notice the Marauders sitting behind us. “Because we used to be really close Mary, and I don’t think we’ll be best friends forever, but I really valued your friendship. I know that you have a lot of things on your mind, and I know you won’t want to talk about them to me, but I want to be honest with you.” She said and I looked at her in mild shock. This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting her to say. “My sister hates me.” She said in a rush, her words coming out muddled and desperate. “Me and her used to be good friends, not best friends but it was good. She’s jealous of me being magical. She calls me a freak all summer and I can’t stand it because I love her so much and I know your problems are way bigger-”
“No Lily -” I interrupted her about to tell her that her problems were such as big and scary as mine were. Even if mine were more life changing, but it was how they affected the person.
“Because I know you’re not over your mother’s death, and I can’t even begin to imagine that! I know you don’t get on with Karen, your family is dysfunctional and I know that Becky has more mental problems than most family trees are and I know you have something else that you’re not going to tell me, and I get it! I do! I know you don’t want to share it, but I just thought you should know: if you ever need me, I’m here.” She said before standing up and walking back to the others again.
I looked down at my plate and gripped my knife and fork as I tried to comprehend what had just happened. My eyes, unfocused and dazed, were staring at my plate but not really seeing it as I thought about all my problems condensed into a sentence and admittedly, it didn’t sound that bad. It didn’t sound too great either thought.
A fork fell to the floor and turned to source the noise. Peter. Then it occurred to me that the Marauders heard every word of that.
Shit.
I smiled sweetly at them, as they were all staring, and continued eating my dinner again. It was nice of Lily to come out with the big speech, but it would have been nicer if she’d looked around first, or at least not left me to sit on my own afterwards. That didn’t make much sense, but I figured if she was anything like me that would have been really hard for to say and she’d most probably rehearsed it and still couldn’t stand to watch and see my reaction. Lily was quite a lot like me it seemed. Isn't that a terrifying thought?
The sister thing was something else to consider – who knew eh? I certainly didn’t. It seemed like a lot of things were being kept under the surface in this place.
“So, mental problems run in the family eh?” Peter asked jokily, again displaying his skill at making a joke at exactly the wrong moment.
“She’s adopted.” I said simply no longer feeling all that hungry. “Anyway. I have a date with the shower if you’ll excuse me.” I said standing up and hurrying out of the great hall. How was it possible that all the drama just kept on coming and coming? It was insane to me. When I’d say hogsmeade was only four days away I’d been under the impression they’d be four nice simple days. Well, my luck’s never got me very far in life has it, and it’s not likely to get me any further.
My good mood, although not shattered, was definitely not as strong as it had been this morning which seemed to be a life time ago. Let alone the beginning of the year! It was only October, only just October, so how was it that so much had happened? If life went as slow as this a year and I half (which I was positive I would live for) seemed awfully long.
I smiled slightly at the ironicness and nonsensicalness of me: half the time I was scared shitless of dying, the other half I was shared shitless of living. Tragic really.
I walked up the stairs with a lot less enthusiasm than I’d had when I walked up them this morning – still more than normal however – and just got in to the shower without any delay, pausing only to glance at my bag which I had deposited on my bed at the begining of lunch.
In the shower I decided to try and concentrate on the thing that had been getting me through the past few days: Hogsmeade.
The prospect wasn’t looking quite so good as it had at the beginning of the week what with all the things I had to do: babysit my sister, dye my hair, teach James how to not be a dick and buy shampoo and conditioner... but it would be good at lest to be out of the castle and just anywhere else. Plus it looked like it was going to be a nice day, something I never would have predicted given my pessimistic attitude. So all in all it would be good, even if some parts would be challenging (as in I was actually going to see my family, dang.)
I stood in the shower for a long time letting the water run over me as I tried to sort out all my conflicting thoughts about tomorrow and the events of the past few days. My family – I wanted to improve my relationship with them I really did, but it wasn’t as easy as it sounded... I was so used to being a moody cow around them that it would be harder to be nice. Like when you’re little and you go into a sulk, and then they try and talk to you and you ignore them, then you wish you’d talked to them because now if you started answering you’d looked silly. Then of course you just have to stay silent because otherwise you feel stupid, but you feel stupid anyway because in the end you have to unlock the bathroom door and sprint to your bedroom and try and make it look as if you’ve been there all the time. Not that I ever sulked as a child...
Lily: what she said made a lot of sense – I wanted to be closer to Lily again because it had only been since the summer that I’d pushed her out of my life with no replacement. Then what she said about James? It was obvious to me, and everyone else in the world, that she was in love with him. If that was the case, why did she compare her and James to Sirius and I. That didn’t seem to follow any semblance of sense to me.
Then the Marauder’s secret. I’d often thought they were hiding something but last nights trip to the hospital wing was just weird. Thinking back I could remember other weird trips like that but I was far from making sense of them. I had a feeling if I just paid more attention I could work it out, but that it would better if I just left it as it wouldn’t do me any good in the long run.
I sighed with all the confusing thoughts that fogged my otherwise relative positive brain (for today at least) and climbed out of the shower. I pulled out the fluffiest towel and wrapped it around my soaking body. I found myself looking intently at the fogged up mirror and my distorted reflection. Even from here I could see the purple blur that was my hair and I was momentarily shocked by the weirdness. It was really odd to see someone with purple hair, even if it was me who I was looking at – which probably made the whole thing even more bizarre. I rubbed the mirror clear of steam and pulled a few strands close to my face to see what I should colour it next. Another bright colour would only result in and couple of detentions, so something normal maybe? So the choices: Black, brown, blonde or red... so limited. I tried to fluff up my wet hair but it just returned to hanging down in front of my face. I grabbed another towel and attempted to dry it but it just made it bigger and knottier. Never mind eh. I smiled briefly at my reflection and decided it didn’t suit me (smiling I mean), before exiting the bathroom and sitting on my bed.
So... The Marauders knew I wasn’t over my mother death, they knew my family was a mess and they knew Becky had serious problems. None of that was part of the plan. The plan you ask? The plan was to just deal with it and maybe blurt it out near the end. You’d think that them knowing a lot of it would make it easier to tell them the last bit but I was struggling to find reasons why I should tell them. What good would it do? Then I’d have to watch their reactions... it doesn’t sound all that great to me.
All these questions, all these mysteries, all these people locked up and waiting for someone to open them up, all of them needing to be saved. Saved from themselves.
But my hero was already too late.
I sighed leaning back on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. I blinked once and my eyes stayed shut for a little longer than necessary: with every blink it took a little longer to force them open until, eventually, I slipped into sleep.
**********
Lily shot me a smile as I sat back at my desk in Defence. I sent one back though admittedly it was weaker than the smile I had received – more just a forced upturn of the lips than a genuine show of emotion. She didn’t seem to notice, and if she did she simply turned back to the front to watch Professor Collins - this years Defence teacher, she wasn’t exactly pretty but the guys liked to wind her up so the lessons usually ended up pretty funny.
“We’re going to sing a song!” She told us and I looked at her as if she was crazy, the others it seemed thought it would be funny and hence all cheered rowdily (the Marauder’s mainly). I glared at them but none of them even looked my way. Exactly four months ago had been the party in which Sirius had snogged my face off and since then my respect for the Marauders had vastly deteriorated. They were loud, annoying and utterly selfish.
I gripped my pen tighter as she began teaching us some ridiculous song to help us remember the spells. Apparently it was to a well known song but I’d never heard it, so I kept quite and focused my concentration on glaring at the head in front of me – James Potter. He didn’t notice me, surprise surprise. My brown hair fell in front of my face as I scribbled down the first line of the song just to have something to do.
“Everybody sing!” She instructed and they all began belting out the lyrics in purposefully bad voices. Sirius grinned and turned around to James. How could he be so happy, when I was so unhappy?
“Miss McDonald, why aren’t you singing?” Professor Collins asked me. Asked and all eyes turned to me as a blushed profusely. I began miming the words but everyone knew I wasn’t singing.
“Make her sing it on her own!” A voice yelled and I gripped the table in horror. “On her own! On her own!” Everyone chanted and I saw Sirius and the other Marauders among them. Professor Collins laughed slightly. “Come on Miss McDonald, at the front!”I froze in horror as they all looked at me, chanting.
*****
“Mary!” Alice said and I found myself being jerker out of reality. “Sorry, but lunch is nearly over, and this letter just arrived for you. Sirius said you were up here,” She told me and I nodded sitting up dazed. How had I managed to fall asleep? It could only have been for a few minutes because my hair was still wet and lunch must have been nearly over when I got out the shower.
“Right, thanks,” I said putting the letter down. “I should probably come and eat something in a minute,” I said remembering Nate’s words about food and how I’d fainted yesterday. Considering I hadn’t had breakfast, or lunch now, I was hungry and it wouldn’t be healthy to not eat. She smiled and left the dorm so I could get changed.
Five minutes later I was sat at the Gryffindor table with my bag so I could leave for Potions straight after I’d eaten lunch. My mind was fixed on that dream and where it would have gone if I’d stayed asleep longer – the mere memory sent my blood boiling as I thought back to that day. It was slightly ironic that my brain kept picking out these significant days from my past and I was slightly reminded of what I’d heard someone say so many times – when someone dies their life flashes before their eyes. Maybe this was it starting to happen, slowly but surely every night.
“Professor, were you like her when you were in School?”
The memory. I hated that memory.
“Well... My school was different; it was designed for snobby girly swats,”
“You and Mary sound like the perfect match then!”
I stood up angrily pushing my plate away as the bell rang. That Memory.
I glared at him; Sirius Black. He smirked back at me as everyone laughed around me. I pulled my arms in tight around me and just walked back to my desk with no emotion on my face. Sirius Black: the first time he ever used my name, he actually remembered my damn name! Not that I care, no. No fucking way.
You don’t know me Sirius Black. What gives you the right to decided I’m a snobby girly swat when you don’t even know me? You don’t know me and I wanted you to so badly but not any more. No way.
I wanted to say all of this, the words were on the end of my tongue but they refused to come out. So I stayed quiet and let them get away with murder.
I looked around for a friendly face amongst the crowd of people who were laughing at the joke. I turned to see Lily but she was merely laughing along with them. She didn’t look at me as I glared at her. My hands balled into fists under the table. Why did everyone always think I was the swat? Lily was geekier than me, but she was popular and wanted! Yet me? I was just looked over and forgotten about.
Just Mary. Just Mary Fucking McDonald.
“Woah Mary,” A voice said as I slammed into a body. Frank was sent to floor (just proving how forcefully I’d been walking)
“Sorry Frank,” I said forcing the words out as I held out my hand to him, he took it and I pulled him up.
The change I had made was a good one. No one thought I was a swat anymore. No one thought I was boring. People saw me and they looked at me. I was different. Every one knew my name.
“You look pissed,” Frank said and it took me a moment to realise he was talking to me. Frank Longbottom didn’t talk much, mainly because he had no friends. Reality is a harsh thing it seems.
“Yeah, well looks can be deceiving.” I said dryly. “But then they can also tell the truth.”
“Wow, insightful,” Frank said and I sense a tone of sarcasm behind his words.
“That’s me I guess, full of wisdomosity,”
“Indeed,” he said nodding wisely.
“You’re in Potions with me right?” I asked and he nodded. “Obviously. Duh Mary, let’s go,” I said and he seemed surprised that I was walking with him.
That’s the person I used to be, and no one gave me a chance to break the stereotype, so I transformed myself and here I am.
“So, mind me asking what you were thinking about?” He asked.
“Just an unpleasant memory.” I said simply as we walked down the corridor.
“Story of my life,” he retorted cheerfully.
“Agreed,” I commented blandly.
“Doesn’t look so bad from where I’m standing, your life I mean,” He said and I gave him an odd look. “You’re pretty, clever, you have good friends and people talk to you. No one even talks to me,” He said, not in a whiny way, but more of a hey look what you’ve got, be happy fashion.
“Why does no one talk to you? No offence or anything, but as far as I can see you don’t smell or anything,”
“Oh, it was this rumour my darling brother spread about me, then I’m so clumsy, everyone just finds me embarrassing.” He said and I shook my head.
“I don’t find you embarrassing at all, you’re better than them lot anyway,” I said gesturing towards the Marauders. “You just need to find yourself a nice girlfriend,” I said winking. He blushed and my eyes widened. “Who is it? Who do you want?” I asked and his eyes shifted towards Alice. “Oh my days! That’s so perfect!” I announced and the attention of everyone shifted over to us.
Some one wolf whistled and I had a strong suspicion I could identify just who it was.
I sent Sirius the finger and Frank and I began walking towards Lily, Alice, Charlotte and Rachel as there wasn't anyone else I coudl talk to. I didn't quite make it however because I was met half way.
“Mary!” Lily said rushing over with the others in tow. “Guess what?” She squealed as Alice came up behind her red-faced with embarrassment. “Alice has a DATE!” Lily exclaimed excitedly, poor Frank. “Guess who?”
Alice looked so embarrassed I felt sorry for the poor girl; Lily was wayyyy excitable with this sort of stuff (although I can’t remember her squealing about Rachel and Sirius). Frank just stood next to me like the awkward being he was. I felt sorry for him I really did because he was right - he didn't have any friends, no one talked to him and Alice had a date...
“I have no idea.” I said dryly. I was going to be told whether I liked it or not and probably very loudly and at a higher octave then necessary.
“MIKE LONGBOTTOM!” Lily yelled excitedly. Mike Longbottom: Frank Longbottom’s hot older Ravenclaw brother.
Wow. Complicated.
******
“I’m not stupid.” I spat at Sirius who just smirked at my impression.
“Alas, we haven’t proved that have we. You have yet to complete the stupid test and you seem incapable of this simple transfiguration spell...” He said and gritted my teeth together.
“Look. Stop being an annoying dick.” I told him flatly crossing my arms over my chest. “I don’t see why I have to put up with you all the time!” I told him angrily. Potions had tried my patience, but now I was pretty sure my patience had gone out the window. “When you’re just a selfish arse who thinks they can judge anyone however the hell they like simply because people like you, for a reason I have yet to comprehend!”
My good mood had been slipping away but it was the memory that broke the Camals back. The memory had made me especially angry and irritable towards him due to the fact it brought back horrible feelings that just made me cringe. I hated the way I'd been and I didn't much like the way I was now.
“I wouldn’t expect you to comprehend it, but it’s basically because I’m sexy, funny, hilarious, wonderful, brilliant...”
“I was talking about you, not me!” I exclaimed.
“Are you dating Longbottom?” Sirius suddenly asked and I gave him a weird look.
“No. Now shut up and leave me alone.” I snapped because I wasn't in the mood for Sirius Black (not that I ever was) because I knew he'd treated me like shit. I could barely even stand the fact that I once fancied the pants of the guy. I shuddered.
“You need to do the stupid quiz, we spent hours doing that...” Sirius whined and I groaned and lifted up my bag from the floor.
“I swear my bag has got heavier,” I complained as I pulled it up onto my lap to find the ‘stupid test.’ I pulled out the papers and put them on my test and began to write.
“It will mark itself,” He told me. “So once you’ve written something down, that’s your answer. I sighed wondering why I'd agreed to do the damn test and read the first question with trepidation.
What is the 7th letter of the alphabet?
I rolled my eyes. What a ridiculous question. I picked up my quill and scribbled down the answer: G
A cross appeared on the parchment in front of me and I glared at it. I knew full well that it was right and decided to tell Sirius is test was the stupid thing as the self marking thing didn't even work!... once I'd finished the whole thing (which was sure to take about two seconds).
There are nine apples, you take two, how many do you have?
Seven,
I wrote on the parchment and another cross appeared. Sirius laughed next to me and a glared at him. Anyone can do simple maths, this was stupid and wrong. The answer was seven. Seven I tell you!
“These questions are wrong! You can’t win!” I protested angrily. I was right and he was a dick. Back to normal... but why was he smirking?
“Wrong Mary!” He said laughing. “Look, the 7th letter of the alphabet?”
“A, B, C, D, E, F, G!!” I exclaimed.
“No. T, H, E, A, L, P, H!” he explained. “7th letter of the alphabet! This one,” He said pointing to the next question. “If you take two, how many do you have? two!”
“That,” I said slamming it down on the desk, “Is bullocks.”
He just smirked.
*******
“How the hell is that supposed to help?!?!?!” I asked angrily, as Sirius suggested that we should try lifting someone up. “Everyone has to have their feet on it, so how is lifting someone up going to help?!”
“Well, you come up with something better then? Oh yeah, I forgot, you can’t because you’re so thick!!”
“I AM NOT THICK!”
“You haven’t been able to do a single spell in transfiguration this year! And my little test just prove it” I flushed with anger. How dare he pick out things that I had no control over? When he was a complete dick anyway! What the hell!
“At least...” I began but I was cut off.
“SHUT UP!” Alice screamed over us. “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU ARGUING!” she yelled stunning us all into a silence, Alice was always kind, sweet, caring and NEVER shouted. “Now, Frank has an idea,” she said gesturing towards him. I think she was trying to be nice to him because she was going on a date with his brother, but still the sentiment was there.
“Well, if the smallest person stands in the middle, and then everyone else puts their arms around each other, then everyone can step up at the same time...” Frank said.
“There’s still no way we’re all going to fit!” Sirius said dismissively, trust him to be judging and discard all people he considers to be below him. How bloody typical that he should think he can walk over whoever the hell he likes? Well I'll show him who's boss!
“Well how do you know if you don’t try it?” I snapped heatedly. Sirius seemed to be angered by the fact that I had got angry with him so quickly, so his reply contained just as just much venom as mine had.
“Because it won’t work!” Sirius said back angrily.
“WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING!” I screamed knowing I was right and he was wrong. Maybe he should accept that sometimes.
“WELL AT LEAST I KNOW SOMETHING!” He yelled and I was just about to scream something obscene back at him when we were interupted by the devil in Proffesor form.
“Right, that is ENOUGH!” Professor Quigley yelled coming over and looking at me and Sirius angrily. “This has been going on far too long! Mr Black, and Miss McDonald, you have been disruptive and not useful in the slightest! I AM SO DISSAPOINTED IN YOU!" She said using that parental voice which actually mde you feel ashamed of yourself. "So I am pulling you out and setting you extra homework.” She said and we both groaned, crossing our hands over our chests. We were over-reacting however, homework wasn’t so bad and she would have most likely forgotten about it so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
“For your homework, you have to go to Hogsmeade together,” She said and my heart sunk suddenly.
Have to go to Hogsmeade together?
Me go to hogsmeade with Sirius Black?
Mary McDonald and Sirius Black spending TIME with each other?
Me, go to Hogsmede, what I had been looking forward to for ages, together. WAS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS?
“HELL NO!” We both yelled at the same time. For once we appeared to be in agreement that this was not a good thing. Far from it. This was terrible. Torturous!
We both looked at each other with dread etched on our faces. I wanted to be out of this place and at least spend some time together; she was basically FORCING me to go on a date with Sirius Black. Of course, it wasn’t really a date, but everyone would THINK it was. I groaned as I imagined Rachel’s over the top hysterical reaction and the time I could have spent having a good time slipping away from me tomorrow.
“Yes,” She said simply. “You two WILL get along, I picked these pairs where the relationships were weakest so I could try and make your house as strong as possible, and you are letting your house down! So you will spend Saturday together and next Monday, in detention, I will have to set you a test on each other, and if you fail it, then you will repeat it,”
“But I can’t Miss, Professor McGonagall said I had to have my hair changed to a more appropriate colour, and then I offered to babysit for my half-sister!” I protested grabbing hold of any argument that could get me out of that.
“Baby Ria?” She questioned and I nodded, trust Nate to tell her all about me when I hated the woman a ridiculous amount. “I thought you hated her.” She commented and I grimaced, why don’t I just write my life story down and let everyone in the world read it? Not a bad idea of telling them acutally! I'll write it down...
“Well, yeah, I was trying to be nice, so I said I’d babysit...” I said scrunching up my face. “Regretted it straight afterwards, but dad was delighted, going on about how I’d finally gotten my attitude sorted out, bloody idiot...”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” She said wryly. “So take Sirius with you.” She suggested in a voice that left no room with manoeuvre. Basically it was, take Sirius with you, or you’ll regret it.
“He’ll be a bad influence on Ria,” I pointed out instantly without even turning to look at the horrified expression that was sure to occupy Sirius’s face.
“I’m good with babies,” Sirius piped up and I turned around and glared at him with a look that clearly said you’re-a-bloody-idiot-and-we-could-have-got-out-of-that.
“Perfect!” She said happily. Sadistic bitch.
She has a fucking weird concept of the word perfect.
*******
"You read that letter yet?" Alice asked me over dinner, her faces were still flushed pink and she looked absoultely delighted over the prostpect of her date and was thus much more talkative and cheerful.
"Oh... no," I said reaching down and feeling it in my pocket. "I'll probably read it in a minute," I said tucking into my first proper meal of the day.
"It's been such a long day," Lily complained wearily.
"Agreed, I feel like my shoulder's about to fall off." I commented, rubbing the place where my bag had rested on my shoulder all day.
"Over dramatic much?" Charlotte asked dryly. Rachel was last seen having an argument with a pissed off looking Sirius but the other Marauders were all present and correct sitting on the otherside of us, and having a potatoe eating contest.
"Seriously, try holding that!" I said and she shook her head and gave me a whithering look. Lily saw this, and due to our new found understanding she picked up the handle of my bag and dropped it again in shock.
"What have you got in there?!?"
"Only my school books!" I claimed and Lily appeared to have a realisation.
"I knew they were up to something!" She said and I could quite easily guess who they were. "I saw them, looking really shifty at the begining of lunch, you were already at lunch. Then I checked all my stuff and I couldn't find anything missing or new so I assumed they just always looked like that..."
"I left my bag in the room!" I said groaning as I began to pull out all my books. "No wonder I've been having trouble!" I complained as I pulled out a big rock from the bottom of my bag. And another. And another.
"Oi! Potter!" I said chucking a few peas from my plate at him to gain his attention. "Who's the master mind for this?" I asked holding up the rocks. "You know what, stupid question? Where is the son of a bitch?" I asked and James smirked.
"Woah Mary, is your shoulder bleeding?" Remus asked and I pulled my jumper back to find that, yes, my shoulder was bleeding and I had ugly blue bruisers were my bag had indented my skin.
"Well isn't that just great, your stupid prank means I have to go to the hospital wing again! I swear when I find Sirius Black I'll curse something that he probably doesn't want cursing or jinx his arroangance off - if that's even possible - or something so just, piss off."
*******
The search for Sirius was not easy because Hogwarts isn't exactly a bungalow - there's a lot of space to be in, and therfore lots of space to me to search. Plus, I'm pretty sure he moves. I gave up after a few minutes (yeah, I'm determined) and decided I could pull his parts off tommrow and instead turned my attention to the letter in my pocket.
I hadn't looked at carefully this morning so I hadn't notice that it was actually written by my dad rather than Karen which usually meant bad news. When I read it however, I was utterly shocked.
Mary,
As we are comming tommorow to give you Ria (all of us our comming after a change in plans) we thought you should be caught up to date with what's been going on at home. Becky has done something more stupid than normal and was pregnant. I say was because she only told us about this after she came back from the abortion clinic, and no, she didn't tell her boyfriend. Johnny has grown as has Ria and we all miss you.
Dad.
The Drama just kept on comming. Becky, pregnant? Now that was a scary thought. The child would most likely be even more screwed up than she would be. I didn't know what to make of that so I just pushed it back into the depths of my pocket and leant back on the wall.
It was to my great surprise when the broom cupboard door next to me burst open and out walked... Sirius Black and Rachel Moss.
Their appearences were somewhat scruffy (big hair, and undone buttons) and they were still eating each others faces off which was only mildly disgusting.
"Wow, you really have no shame." I commented after recovering from the shock of two wild animals just appearing from no where pratically having sex infront of me.
They broke apart.
I raised an eyebrow at their scurffy appearences and waited for Rachel to explode at me (about going to hogsmeade with her boyfriend... you could understand it I guess).
Sirius looked uncomfortable but Rachel just looked livid.
"DON'T STEAL MY BOYFRIEND!" She screamed and I stepped backwards.
This could be a long conversation...
*******
“You’re going out with my boyfriend.” Rachel said sharply when I came into the dorm after my incredibly boring detention (A result of pranking Professor Quigley yesterday). Although we'd covered this topic already early which had been much too hysterical for my liking, but she had eventually accepted that I hadn' t meant for it to happen. I'd helped my cause by then yelling at Sirius till my voice went croaky about the state of shouldres.
He'd asked why I hadn't just gone to see my 'nurse boyfriend' and got it fixed. Rachel had laughed at that like it was hillarious, then I had given up and just gone to get it fixed.
“Which is not my choice and I don’t want anything to do with them and I’d rather pull out all my eyelashes than ‘go out with your boyfriend’ so believe me Rachel there is nothing to worry about!” I snapped walking over and dumping my bag down on the floor. It had been considerably later since I had taken the whole of stone henge from the bottom of it (slight exaggeration there). "It's hogsmeade tommorow," I commented although it wasn't needed - they were all in night-before-hogsmeade mode anyway. "So, what shampoo should I buy tommorow?"
“If you touch my boyfriend then I swear to Merlin...” Rachel said attempting to sound menacing but failing miserably.
“Does this look okay?” Alice asked bursting out of the bathroom in some jeans and a top.
“No, no, more flesh.” Charlotte said looking over at her.
“More cleavage,” from Rachel.
“Less tightness,” Lily said as she sat on her bed painting her nails.
“More colour?” I suggested and I was sent three withering looks. Apparantly my style isn't to their tastes...
“Arghh! I don’t know what to wear!” Alice claimed sinking down on to her bed. “He’ll hate me!”
“No he won’t,”
“How could he hate someone like you,”
“He’ll see past your looks!”
“Your lovely Alice, don’t worry,” We all answered in unison: it amused me that girls all acted this way as soon as one of them mentioned a self esteem issue we all rushed to the point to reassure them they were just fine (well, Charlotte only did because it was Rachel, she wouldn't bother if it was me.)
“What are you wearing tomorrow, when you meet my boyfriend?” Rachel asked through gritted teeth as they all began rummaging round for clothes for Alice.
“Erm... I don’t know?”
“No skirts, no shorts...”
“Shut up.” I said simply over the top of her.
“You know that Transfiguration essay –?” Lily began.
“I think you should shorten that a little-”Charlotte said waving her wand around Alice’s clothes.
“He’s going to hate me –!”Alice moaned.
“I swear that I will pull your –!” Rachel threatened.
“What colour do you think I should dye my hair?” I asked over them all and we continued in that manner for some time, but while the silly mundane conversations circled round not making much sense all I could think about were Sirius’s words from that memory.
“Well... My school was different; it was designed for snobby girly swats,”
“You and Mary sound like the perfect match then!”
I surge of anger pulsed through me as I looked around and realised I could identify each of their laughing faces in that memory. All laughing at stupid, studious, quite Mary McDonald.
No one’s laughing now.
A/N - Okay guys, this isn't the full Hogsmeade trip, it's acutally a very small part of it... It's very exciting though, trust me ;) + a very quick update! Hazza! So... I'll stop rabbiting on now...
The house was deathly quiet as I crept through to mummy’s study. Becky and Mummy had gone out a few hours before and Daddy was playing with Johnny upstairs so no one noticed as I pushed the door open and entered the forbidden room. Mummy’s study was a no-go area. You didn’t go in, or you’d be grounded for a whole week! I bit my lip, pushing back the threat of being grounded until Christmas, and instead stepped onwards into the room.
I decided as this was the one place I wasn’t allowed to be it was sure to be where the Christmas presents were – it made perfect sense. But where would they be? I walked over to her desk and sat down on her office chair, my legs dangling far from the floor. If I was mummy, where would I hide Christmas presents? If I was mummy, I would be boring and old with no imagination so I’d simply put them in the draw!
I pulled open the top draw and found it was full of boring envelopes and pens. The second draw was a little more interesting, pins and paperclips, but still not the Christmas presents I was searching for. They’ll be in the bottom draw, I told myself as I pulled it open and found... nothing. It was empty. I scrunched my face up in annoyance. They had to be here, they just had to!
“Rebecca! Maybe if you actually put an effort into what he tells you to do!” Mummy’s voice said and it was getting closer. I dived under the desk as quick as I could and held my breath as the door opened. “Your next appointment?” Mummy asked pulling the calendar off the wall.
“Next Saturday,” Becky said dryly, and quick, quick as anything she opened the middle draw and pulled out some pins and an elastic band. “Not that it will do anything,” She said folding her arms.
“Well what else am I supposed to do? You won’t eat! You don’t sleep! I’ve done exactly what he told me too, and you’re not even trying to get better! It’s like you want to be like this forever!” There was a silence. “Are you telling me that you like being like this?!?!?!”
“If I start eating, I’ll be fat!” She yelled and I scrunched up my ears under the desk. I didn’t want to hear this old conversation. I’d tried to tell her she wasn’t fat, she was skinny, but she wouldn’t listen. She just yelled loudly and made me cry. Stupid big sister.
My eyes were just adjusting to the darkness under the desk when I found something of immense interest. A secret magic draw! The argument was still going on so they didn’t here as I slid the draw open (I knew it was magical because there was no room for a draw, but it opened up anyway.) My eyes widened as I saw the parcels sitting there in their beautiful wrapping papers. Not only were the presents there! But all the other forbidden things. The scissors and the drawing pins were all stashed away in their own little container – away from Becky, all of them having been taken from her room. Then there were bags of sweets that I wasn’t allowed because they made me hyperactive and it gave mummy a headache, and when mummy had a headache it was very bad and she slept for a long time and Daddy had to do all the cooking. I ripped open a packet and placed one in my mouth grinning. Sherbet, lemon drops, chocolate and Christmas presents all in one magical place! Mummy hid it all here!
I pulled out a present, but soon cast it aside when I noticed something even more interesting – a letter. Why would mummy hide a letter down here? Unless it was a letter telling someone all the lovely things she’d brought me for Christmas, a letter saying Becky was selfish and mean, a letter saying how I was their favourite bestest daughter in the world. I smiled stuffing all the things back into the draw and slipping the letter into my pocket. I could look for the Christmas present any other time. Christmas was a week away; the letter was what that was important now.
I pricked up my ears and peaked out from under the desk and to my delight mummy and Becky were gone from the room. I climbed out from under the desk and exited the room as quietly as I good, then began my way to my room. I walked up the stairs softly and past Becky, who was pinching her pale skin and scowling at herself in the mirror, and into my room. I dived on to my bed and opened the letter wondering what secrets could be contained within it. My heart froze as I scanned down the letter.
It wasn’t quite what I expected.
“MARY!” A voice yelled waking me up suddenly. I opened my eyes blearily and I jumped as a heavy weight landed at the bottom of my bed. I turned to look at my alarm clock. “Time to get up!”
“No, it’s not.” I said rolling over and burying my face in my pillow.
“HOGSMEADE!” Lily yelled excitedly and I scowled into my covers, pulling them up above my head.
“Fuck off,” I muttered.
“It’s such a lovely day!” Lily announced and I groaned covering my ears. “MAAAARRRYYYY!” She yelled and I sat up suddenly and glared at her.
“I don’t recon much to the lets-ruin-Mary’s-lie-in-on-the-one-day-in-a-week-she-can-have one game!”
“Stop being melodramatic, you had a lie in on Thursday, and you get one tomorrow,” She said cheerfully, then her face expression changed completely. “What’s wrong?” Lily asked and I realised there were tears scattered down my face as I result of my dream, I wiped them away groggily and shrugged before remembering our truce to be more open with each other.
“Just had a bad dream,” I muttered. “About when I found out that mum was dying,”
“Oh,” Lily said giving me a sympathetic look. “When did you find out?” she asked and it was only then I realised how little she knew about it. “A week before Christmas,” I said rubbing my eyes as more tears threatened to fall down. What I had told her wouldn’t make the slightest difference as she didn’t know when my mum had died anyway.
The dream: in the end, it didn’t matter. I’d spent all this time thinking about these dreams I’d been having but they were nothing new. I knew I was dying. I knew that had happened and as this was the forth day in the row I’d been haunted by these stupid memories (or other dreams) I was finally getting used to them, and it was nice, in a way, to relive those moments which had so much influence on me. It was also rather horrible, as I’d yet to have a good one, or one that didn’t make me feel terrible. “Time to get up!” Lily announced obviously sensing that I didn’t wish to talk about it anymore.
“Eff off!” I told her lying back down on my bed. “It’s like seven in the morning!”
“HOGSMEADE!” She announced.
“Can’t you go wake someone else up?” I asked angrily.
“Nope, because they’re all awake and have gone for breakfast.” She said and began bouncing at the end of my bed.
“So why don’t you go bless them with your company and let me sleep!?!?!” I asked angrily, still talking into my pillow.
“Because I’m not going to Hogsmeade, so what’s the point?” That’s what finally got me out of bed, or more made me fall off the bed in shock.
“You’re not going to Hogsmeade?” I asked utterly shocked.
“Oh come on Mary, who would I go with? Rachel is with Sirius, this morning at least. Charlotte’s got a ‘date’ with someone and Alice is going out with Mike Longbottom. You’re with Ria, Potter and Sirius.”
“Oh, well, couldn’t you hang out with Rachel?” I suggested. “After I’m off with Sirius?”
“Well, I doubt that Charlottes date will last that long,” Lily commented, obviously referring to the fact that she’d have snogged him, slept with him, and got bored by ten.
“But you can’t not go to Hogsmeade! What a wasted opportunity!” I exclaimed and she just laughed. Lily got just as hyped up about Hogsmeade as me, so it was seriously weird she wasn’t going. “You could go with Remus and Peter, they’re free! And you’re friends with Remus right?”
“I’m not friends with him, we talk occasionally, and they have dates and will probably be joining you with James and Sirius!”
“Lucky me.” I said wryly and Lily laughed.
“Get your arse in the shower purple,” Lily said pushing me forwards into the shower.
“You sound like Professor-bitch-Quigley.” I grumbled as I was pushed into the bathroom.
“So, are you actually in love with the Nurse?” She yelled through the door as I got in the shower.
“No!” I shouted back.
“So what’s the deal then?” She asked and I didn’t really know how to answer, so I instead turned the water pressure up and pretended I couldn’t hear. Ten minutes later there was a banging on the door and Lily began yelling again.
“Get out here! There’s no time for you to spend an hour in the shower like normal! Get out here; I’m doing your hair!”
“Like hell you are,” I muttered wondering if I could make a run for it out of the window... maybe not. “It just has to be natural because I’m going to get it dyed,” I yelled out.
“Really Mary, natural takes ages!”
I’m not even going to try and work out how that works. “Could you not just dry it for me?” I asked coming out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. She sighed but dried it with a flick of her want to my great happiness. For once I didn’t have to go out with it dripping wet (as I couldn’t do the spell myself anymore) so it was a nice change.
“Oh crap,” Lily said looking down at her watch.
“What? You’re not going anywhere?” I asked and she flushed pink. “Oo – err Lily, who are you meeting up with then?” I asked and she sighed.
“I was just going to go see Sev,” She said looking down at the floor. “After yesterday I just... I just want to talk to him, you know?” She asked and I did. I nodded but she still looked awfully ashamed. “I was just going to talk to him in the library, but I said I’d be there by now...”
“Just go Lily, no matter what you and the others think, I can get dressed myself. I was your cover right? Well don’t worry, I’ll tell them you stayed to help me chose what to wear,” I said and Lily sighed with relief – it was obvious to me that she wasn’t even comfortable doing this herself without having everyone know about it. Plus we’d been friends, and were maybe being friends again, and I felt sort of nice helping her.
“Just don’t wear something crap,” Lily said and I smiled. It actually was like we were back in last year which was weird, but I liked it. Last year was, for at least half of it, a better year. Even if I was quite, ignored and went unnoticed almost all of the time I had a good friend. Looking back on some memories, it might not seem that way but in between all these bad memories, there were some good ones. I don’t know which ones outnumber the other, but I knew the bad ones were more prominent because it was in my nature to focus on the bad. My life always seems complicated and confusing for a great deal of the time, but in reality it could be much worse.
I should be dead, and I’m not. It’s a big thing to be thankful for, but then most people in the world my age shouldn’t be dead, and that’s a lot to be unthankful for.
“Lily?” I called out as she picked out her bag, her eyes flashing with an unsure excitement. “I know you miss him and everything, but I have a feeling you might have been right before. Just don’t expect too much,” I told her and she nodded. I knew that Sev used to be Lily’s Nate, and I know he meant an awful lot to her but I couldn’t shake of the uneasy feeling that it wasn’t a good idea. Snape, although I didn’t hate him, could hardly be on my list of favourite people and I felt sorry for him, I honestly did. That didn’t make up for the fact that he was most probably a death eater and caused Lily so much pain.
I smiled slightly because I was allowed to worry about that type of thing again. Lily and I were properly friends again (at least today we were), and maybe even better than before, because we were being honest.
More honest at least.
It’s not like I was going to tell her about dying or anything like that.
Don’t look at me like that! I had ages of time (not that Nate had actually told me how much time I did have left, but it was sure to be like a year and a half or something!) so I could tell her when we got to the six month mark or something!
Oh crap, Hogsmeade. Need to get ready, like NOW.
It was a weekend, and I wanted to stand out for some unknown reason, and so I spent fifteen minutes in front of the mirror applying eye make-up. My (adopted) sister had begun teaching me the basics of Goth make up before mum had died, so that was where I usually got my make-up ideas. I didn’t go for the black-lipstick (which generally looks cheep) and white face thing but it was dramatic, over the top and just generally really cool.
My skin was pale, and there was nothing I could do about that so I simply used it to my advantage making by making it even paler and then adding a pink tinge of blusher. Next was eyeliner – I began with the basic line underneath my eyes then began adding copious amount around the eye making it change shape completely. Then I made my eyelashes as big as I could (which wasn’t that big in all honesty) before adding my trademark colour. As I decided I would wear the outfit that the others had decided for a few days ago, I picked out my turquoise eye shadow and covered my lids with it. Next was liquid liner, then turquoise glitter liner, then black glitter eyeliner at the bottom.
It was completely over the top.
But that was sort of the point.
I added a red tinge to my lips but otherwise left them bare and pulled on the clothes which were incredibly creased due to being in my trunk too long.
I then decided I looked suitably presentable and headed down to breakfast. I ran pretty much the whole way because I knew I was late and had a lot of things to squeeze in today (most of which were unpleasant) and time generally wasn’t on my side (obviously).
When I reached the Great Hall however I was relieved to find the Marauders were still there, I walked purposefully towards them and sat myself down opposite Sirius.
“Dick,” I said addressing him. “What time are we meeting up?” I asked and he looked mildly shocked for a moment. Then he just looked at me completely unresponsive to my question.
“Hey Mary! Where’s Lily?” James asked cheerily – he was obviously excited at the prospect of getting taught how to win Lily over. I wasn’t.
“Oh, she’s staying here to catch up on work,” I replied grabbing some waffles and adding them to my plate.
“But Lily loves Hogsmeade!” James claimed– it was really sweet how he knew everything about Lily, but the weird thing was that Lily knew just as much about James.
“Well, who would she go with?” I asked and James nodded with comprehension.
“You know, maybe I should go to the Library and ask her if she wants to come with us-” He said grinning at this perfect opportunity. He was standing up as he said that and I totally panicked.
“No!” I protested quickly, grabbing him and pulling him back into the seat. They all gave me an odd look but I couldn’t exactly tell them she’d gone to meet Snape could I? James would start crying.
“No asking Lily out. That’s rule number two.” I ordered and James’s face fell as he sat back down again.
“Why not?” he asked and I hit my head on the table.
“I’ll explain later!” I said looking back towards Sirius. “I’m meeting my family at ten,” I told him and he didn’t say anything. What a weirdo. “And I’m meeting them here; I’ve got to get my hair dyed first, so I’ll meet you outside the three broom sticks at half past, yes?”
He just grunted.
What the hell?
“Sirius!” Rachel exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere sitting down on his right side. “I thought we were going out this morning!” She exclaimed.
“We are,” He grunted. Almost ignoring her as she began swooning over him, his eyes fixed on me. Her hands, perfectly manicured, were resting on his chest and right shoulder as she tried to gain his complete attention. I watched her hands run over his chest muscles as Sirius ignored them completely and instead sat stiff as a board on the bench.
“So why are you still eating breakfast?” she asked and he didn’t answer. “I wanted to meet up extra early so we could spend as much time as possible together!” She claimed in a sugar sweet voice I’d never heard her use before. She shot me a dark look which made me feel like a rather small ant and I shrank back on my chair.
“Why would I get up early, to see you?” He asked and I winced on Rachel’s behalf. That was a horrific thing to say to your girlfriend. Still his eyes fixed straight ahead. Rachel recoiled backwards a look of shocked sadness on her pretty features. The Marauders shot each other worried looks, and sympathetic glances were sent in Rachel’s direction but it did nothing to sooth her. She looked distraught and tried to wrap herself around him again in an attempt to have the attention she wanted. It didn’t work.
“Sirius mate, what’s up?” Remus asked, and they were all watching him carefully. His grey eyes were still fixed on mine and he appeared to look right through me with a gaze of a hard, cold stone.
“What we talked about last night,” He said finally turning away from me (thank goodness) and looking at Remus. “I think you might be right,”
I assumed the exchange only made sense to Remus because the other two Marauders looked as bewildered as I was. I’d always thought that the four of them couldn’t tell each other everything because such openness in a group was so damn hard, or maybe that’s just me, but maybe Remus was the one who they all turned to for answers considering he was the kind, responsible, caring one.
“Look,” I said getting annoyed here. “I don’t want your whole life story, I’m asking for a simple three word answer which I’m sure your brain cell might manage if you push it hard enough: are we meeting up at ten or not?” He turned his gaze back to me and stood up. Rachel’s hands dropped down as she looked at Sirius in confusion. He sent her, and me, a death glare. He didn’t answer and instead just walked out of the Great Hall looking pissed. His shoulders were still fixed in an uncomfortable looking square shape and I could only guess that he had realised something he didn’t want to realise.
I briefly wondered if he’d worked out I’d dying, considering I’d given him enough clues (accidently of course), but that wouldn’t make his exchange with Remus contain any more sense and I just knew that it wasn’t that but something else... What though?
“For Merlin’s sake! Will someone please give me an answer?” I asked angrily, because I needed to get going and no one was being even slightly helpful.
“He’ll be there,” James said standing up along with Remus and Peter. I could tell already that they were going to sort him out and get him back into shape but still I wanted to do it myself in an admittedly more violent way than the Marauders probably had in mind.
“Rachel, don’t mind him. He’s just in a bad mood.” Remus said giving the dejected Rachel a comforting smile. “Give him a few minutes,” He assured her.
Rachel didn’t say anything else, but instead stared at the plate in front of her looking heart broken. I wanted to tell her that he wasn’t worth it but she glossed- lip was quivering uncontrollably and I could see her eyes shinning with the moisture that was building up there. Before I could do anything else, she stood up and ran from the room as the tears began to cascade down her make-up encrusted cheeks.
Looks like Sirius Black has broken another heart.
********
I’m not one of those people you can call girly but I do really love being pampered: not having some sixteen year olds attacking me with various make-up brushes but having massages, facials, pedicures, manicures and the like – I can’t get enough of it! I also really loved having my hair done properly which meant I was no stranger to Hogsmeade’s hair salon.
I was still angry however, so I glared my way to the Hair Salon muttering insults under my breath.
The girl raised her eyebrow at me as I walked through the door – she obviously wasn’t expecting a teenager with purple hair, too much eyeliner and a murderous expression on her face to walk in through the door.
It always surprised me how few Hogwarts students came in here to get their hair cut, they generally just did it themselves but it never looked as good as having it done at the salon. I suppose most of them didn’t know half the shops in Hogsmeade existed and merely walked up and down the main street. Me and Lily knew the whole place like the back of our hands because we didn’t like to stay on the busy main street but preferred to take all the little side roads. As a result of this Lily and I often found ourselves completely lost but we always found the cheapest book shops and cute little boutiques that otherwise went undiscovered.
“Hi,” I said to the hair assistant who was looking at me with a look of extreme distaste. I wasn’t in a good mood anyway, mostly because I was really annoyed at Sirius bloody Black, so I didn’t exactly appreciate being glared at simply because I had purple hair, lots of eyeliner, and a bright turquoise T-shirt on.
“Name?” She asked scathingly. I glared at her.
“Mary McDonald,” I said sharply and she wrote me down on the waiting list. “There’s no one waiting!” I pointed out and she shrugged. Already I couldn’t stand the girl and wanted to punch her pretty little face in.
“It’s my coffee break.” She supplied. “Come back in half an hour.”
“How about no?” I suggested snappily. She raised her overly plucked eyebrows when I challenged her as if she knew she was better than me, which she wasn’t. I hated people like her, people who judged and decided they were better than me when they weren’t. Like Sirius Black for instance.
“How about get those ugly purple locks out of my hair salon?” She suggested drawing herself up to her full six foot height which I just couldn’t compete with.
“Can I speak to Martin please?” I asked sweetly referring to the manager. Her eye’s froze as she realised I wasn’t fooled, intimidated or going to let her get away with chucking me out of his hair salon when the two of us were fairly good friends.
“I’ll just go get him,” she said deflating humorously. I stood there leaning against the door for a few moments as I waited for Martin to appear at the doorway.
“Mary!” He exclaimed in his wonderful gay fashion as he burst through the door. “Oh my gosh! What did you do to your hair?” He asked pulling me into a saloon seat and twirling it around to face me. “You’ve ruined it!” he exclaimed pulling at a lock and twiddling it around your fingers.
“I wanted dramatic,” I explained guiltily and he rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion.
“Sweetie! You didn’t have to go purple! Terrible colour for the completion don’t you think Hon?” he asked the bitch – girl who now nodded slowly as if she’d only just considered my hair colour.
“Let me guess, home wizard dye?” He asked and shook my head.
“Home muggle dye,” I corrected him and he looked as if the very idea was positively scandalous.
“Well other than this disaster you look abs stunning!” He said pulling me up. “Give’s a spin my Mary fairy!” He exclaimed and I did so laughing slightly (even though I was still majorly pissed off). “Gorgeous darlin’” He said pushing me back into the seat.
“Your eyeliner,” The girl commented still sounding like a prissy cow.
“Oh my days! I abs love it!” Martin said whirling me around again. “It’s dramatic, it’s big, it’s bold, it’s stunning and it simply screams ‘LOOK AT ME’!” He pulled a piece of my purple hair away from my face then considered it carefully. “I’m going to base your hair, around that eyeliner!”
“Erm... glittery and turquoise doesn’t work for school?”
“Don’t worry babe, I know exactly what you need,” He told me before turning towards bitch-girl. “I’m thinking a dark red, thick, long, straight, with highlights and all the jazz.”
“Thick side fringe?”
“Perfect! That’s why I love you!” Martin said and the bitch-girl rolled her eyes and scowled. “Excuse her, she’s a moody bitch but so talented!” He whispered in my ear. “And she’d be stunnin’ if she could lose the grimace,” He commented and I found myself grinning despite of myself. “So sweets, who you trying to impress?” He asked as they both began work on my hair.
“No one, McGonagall told me purple wasn’t appropriate,” I told him rolling my eyes.
“Ah, Minnie, what an absolute babe! Amazing cheek bones, very feline,” He commented. “If only she’d take the hair down from that god awful net. If she had layers she’d be fighting them off her!”
“I’m actually quite disturbed here,” the bitch girl said taking the words right out of my mouth.
“You can’t deny the facts! If I was straight, I’d jump her bones,” I found myself laughing despite of how disgusting that image was.
This is why I loved getting my hair cut – it was always such a lovely friendly atmosphere in here (minus bitch-girl) and I forget the rest of the shit and just have people fawning over me and my hair.
I closed my eyes and shut them off and just let them play around with my hair. I could feel spells being put on it, I heard the scissors, I could smell lotions and potions but I shut them out and returned to my thoughts.
They automatically went back to the dream I had that morning which I found annoying to say the least. I didn’t need to be reminded of that really did I? Although it was now when I looked back I could see Becky’s affect on my home life more clearly – I could remember the arguments, I could remember Mum always being stressed; I could remember Johnny crying every time she refused to eat over dinner.
It was now when I remembered her telling us about the digestive system over dinner to piss us off and put us off our food. I could remember her storming off from dinner when dad told her she had to eat more. I now recall why she turned vegetarian – and excuse to eat less. It’s so regularly when I forget just how fragile she’d been and it reminded me of how much better she was now and the letter yesterday – she had been pregnant and aborted it without telling her long term boyfriend. Although she’s a lot better now she still can’t stand putting on weight; she’ll still get upset if she puts on two pounds, she just doesn’t cry or cut herself because of it. So I could seriously see her not wanting to be pregnant for anything, but I couldn’t see her boyfriend being to psyched about her not telling him... it was sure to end badly.
Then my thoughts returned to poor poor Rachel. I could now hear her voice as she told us it was love, her eyes turning dreamy and love struck every time someone mentioned him. I could remember how panicked she was when she realised that Sirius so much as talked to some other girl: it was desperate, it was pathetic, but she really did care about him which was more than can be said for Sirius Black.
“Hon, good job as always!” Martin said and I opened my eyes again and came face to face with a girl with dark red hair (with brown streaks, more in some layers than others). Her hair was thick and down to her chest. She also had a thick side fringe which just made her face look right and covered up one of her eyes. The other was clearly lined in far too much make-up.
“I love it!” I exclaimed, beaming at my reflection in the mirror.
“You look bloody wonderful sweets,” Martin said fluffing up my hair which returned to the exact spot. “Now, you’ll have to come back in three months so we can put the straightening charm back on, cause it won’t last forever!”
“Corr, I look a bit fit don’t I?” I commented to the reflection as I ran my fingers over it.
“Twenty nine galleons please.” Bitch girl said and I turned to look at her in shock, never had I ever paid more than ten galleons before.
“Come on now Hon, that was a charity case!” Martin said pushing me out the door. Bitch girl laughed and I was waved off before I could realise I’d been given the best hair cut ever – for free.
**********
Admittedly I was late when I came to stand outside the three broom sticks to wait for Sirius, so I was completely ready to be yelled at by him, or to have the surly silent Sirius from this morning with me for the rest of the day. So when he wasn’t there my annoyance at him built up again.
After waiting for ten minutes I sat down on the wooden bench with my legs and arms crossed and watched the comings and going of Hogsmeade
“That’s the girl who’s shagging that hot nurse!” A third year claimed to another, pointing at my openly, as they stopped in front of the clothes shop opposite to wait for her friends.
“No way!”
“Yes way, she tried to kill his fiancé and everything! I don’t know why he’d shag her, she’s not even pretty!” I gritted my teeth and grabbed hold of the bench to stop myself from standing up and punching their lights out. There only thirteen. You’d kill them.
“I know yeah! As if she tried to kill Quigley! He still wouldn’t marry her, that’s sick!”
“Yeah but she’s easy,” A third said coming to join them. She had wavy blonde hair and I could see her being a future Charlotte. “I heard she hooked up with Black, while he was dating Moss!”
“No way!” The second girl said.
“Yes way!” The first one claimed again – how childish. “She totally did! And they’re supposed to be friends!”
“That’s not all,” The blonde one said darkly. “She’s dating James Potter too!”
“No way!”
“Yes way! Lily fell out with her about it, because you know, she’s totally in love with him and he’s not interested. Then she asked him out.” I wanted to laugh about the complete crap this was. It was funny how stories turned into a load of bullshit by the time they got to the third years. Still, it was annoying that they were thick enough to actually believe it.
“Oh my god,” The second one said and they all turned to look at me. Bloody idiots.
“How does she do it?” The first one asked shaking her brown curls. “Her boobs aren’t even that big!”
“Love potion.” The blonde one said. “I bet you. She couldn’t have the three hottest guys wrapped around her finger if it wasn’t for that!” She said and they all walked into the shop together with their arms linked. What a load of shit. Why couldn’t people get there own lives and but out of mine?
“Did you hear about Rachel Moss? She totally got dumped this morning after breakfast,” Another voice said and I turned to see a group of sixth year Ravenclaw’s.
“Poor girl,” Amanda commented sadly. “She must be distraught.”
“Oh come on, anyone could have seen it coming. He’s totally in love with that Mary girl, and anyway, he never dates them for long does he!”
I looked away and tried to block out the stupid gossip – it was all just stupid made up little stories, they didn’t mean anything and were usually based on a single element of truth exaggerated and exaggerated to a point where it was nonsensical and silly.
I wasn’t sleeping with Nate, I wouldn’t go near Sirius with a barge pole and James was too smitten with Lily to be interested in me any how. Sirius just found me an annoying nuisance and I have never EVER made a love potion.
So there.
“Never had you down for one to listen into other people’s conversations.” Sirius said from behind me and I stood up and glared at him. He didn’t look surly, or even annoyed he looked perfectly happy and content as he waved the marauders away behind me.
“You’re late.” I said angrily because I was the one who’d been forced to sit here for half an hour, completely on my own, listening to stupid gossip.
“Nice hair cut,” Sirius commented cheerily. “Very fetching.” I glared at him angrily.
“You dumped Rachel?” I asked sharply. His cheery expression faded so much and he nodded slowly.
All my anger at Sirius was building up again as I remembered all the time’s he’d been an arse to me: when he kissed me and called me Amanda; when he called me a girly swat; when he laughed at me; when he said I was childish and immature; all those insults; all those stupid pranks and all those hearts he’d broken.
“What the hell is your problem?!?!” I asked loudly fully aware that people were going to turn and stare but that wasn’t really my biggest worry at that moment. “Why do you think you can just date people and dump them as if they’re worthless?!?! Why do you think its okay to break people’s hearts and walk over them!?!? Why are you, Sirius Black, the dick head extraordinaire allowed to do whatever the hell you want?!?” I knew I was using much more force than the situation deemed necessary but I hadn’t blown up at him properly for ages and I was beyond the stage of being pissed off.
He didn’t answer and just watched as I got angrier and angrier.
“Because you’re a stuck up son of a bitch!” I yelled. “JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME FAMILY ISSUES YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST WALK OVER PEOPLE TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN’T!! How many hearts are you going to break before you get your act together huh? YOU CAN’T JUST SLEEP WITH PEOPLE THEN DROP THEM! I swear to Merlin that one day you are going to end up rejected and alone because I can’t think of a way that anyone could put up with you for their whole lives?!?! DON’T YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO PEOPLE?!?!?” I screamed angrily. “Don’t you see that she just wanted you to stay with her? Don’t you understand how much pain you’re causing her!!! NO YOU DON’T! AND WHAT’S WORSE, YOU DON’T EVEN CARE!”
Then I slapped him round the face.
“That’s for breaking Rachel’s heart!”
Then I raised my hand and slapped him again.
“And that was for breaking mine!” I shouted, the adrenaline from speaking my mind pulsing through my veins and my brain as I glared at him – all the hate I felt for him coming from my eyes. “Because you know what?!?! I’ll freely admit it: I thought you were so perfect! I THOUGHT YOU WER GOING TO SAVE ME! And all you did is make me lose faith in this whole damn world! YOU DON’T REALISE HOW MUCH A STUPID LITTLE FLING COULD MEAN TO SOMEONE ELSE! Because you’re a stuck up fucking dick who thinks people will just bow down before him because he’s oh so special and just a fucking saint. WELL YOU’RE NOT!!” I screamed and stepped backwards. I was shaking with anger and I could barely remember half the things I’d said because I just wanted him to see. I wanted him to understand.
“I was stupid to think that you could do anything for me, and now I don’t give a fucking damn! But I don’t see why I should stand by and watch you break my friends apart, and why? Why do you do it? Because you fucking can!” I said bitterly with as much venom in my voice as could physically be there. Then I turned away because I could feel the tears building up in my eyes because I was so angry. I hated him so much.
He was such an arse and had hurt so many people I cared about I just couldn’t deal with him anymore. He broke my heart. He broke me. And now he’s moved on the next victim.
“Why does anyone date?” Sirius asked behind me and for the first time I could feel emotion in his voice. “To see if it will work out! Would you rather have me, I don’t know, proposing to her when I don’t even like her anymore! No. Because that’s not fair!” He said grabbing my arm and pulling me back to face him. “And you say it’s not fair on them! What about me?” He yelled gesturing wildly with his hands. “I liked Rachel, Rachel was nice. That thing I’ve been dating was not Rachel! That was a fake!” He yelled and my brain clicked back to Rachel’s put on sugary sweet voice and paranoia. “Why should I deal with a clingy fake when all I wanted was a real relationship? IT’S NOT MY FAULT THEY ALWAYS TURN INTO COMPLETE TARTS BECAUSE THEY THINK I’LL GET BORED OTHERWISE!”
I was shocked into silence by these words – never had I ever thought about his side of the story.
“You talk about their hearts? What about mine!?!?!” He asked loudly. “I just wanted someone real!” He claimed his voice dropping to deathly quiet.
I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. My head was spinning with all this new found information and I couldn’t comprehend it in the slightest.
“And you know why you annoy me Mary?” He asked his voice hotting up again. “Because after that stupid fucking party and that stupid fucking mistake I started to watch you. I felt so damn bad! That’s how I know everything about you okay, because I watched you and I watched you because I was such a dick!” He yelled and thinks began clicking into place in my mind. He had known my favourite foods. He knew me...
“And you know what! I LOVED THE OLD MARY!” I stepped backwards in complete shock. “Because you were different! You were real! AND I RUINED YOU!” I looked up at his grey eyes that were flashing with so many different contradicting emotions that it was impossible to read them. They reminded me of dark storms and flashing lightening. “Because you changed just like all those fucking girls I dated and it’s my damn fault! Because of my fucking mistakes!”
I couldn’t look away as I heard all the talking building up around me. Then the enormity of everything he’s said hit me – Sirius Black loved the old Mary. Loved her.
Bloody hell.
“And there’s nothing I can do to change that,” he said his voice dropping to a softer one. “And I’m fed up of all this yelling! I don’t want to hate you! So please, Mary, can we just be civil?” He asked and held out his hand for me to shake it.
I didn’t know what to say. What to do. All those memories. All those things he’d done to me. All those insults. Shaking his hand meant being his friend. Did I really want to forget all those things and forgive him? All these thoughts spinning around my brain as I looked down at the hand in front of me and one question stood out from all the others.
Should I shake it?
A/N - Hehehehe... I know this chapter doesn't have in half the stuff you were expecting, but that will come very soon, don't worry! :D So guys, what do you think... the truths out (from Sirius at least) Will Mary shake it? What's going to happen now? How late is she going to be to meet up with her family? How's Rachel doing? Did Lily and Snape's meating go well? It's all comming soon...
PLEASE REVIEW :D
A/N - Hello! Sorry it's been so long, at least it feels like it! Here is the long awaited 11th chapter, though it's not what you wanted I expected :P So please don't kill me! The next chapter is almost written so as soon as this one's up the next one will be submitted :) Thanks for all the lovely reviews last chapter too, keep them comming!
Lily's P.O.V.
I walked quickly thought the corridors of the castle I’d long since called home. I loved Hogwarts, I truly did. Everything about it was just so amazing and magical. Every brick screamed character and I’m positive you could spend years and years walking around and still keep finding new and exciting things within the walls or even on the grounds. I loved exploring, even if it made me sound like a Marauder, but there was just something about finding new places that made me smile. Mary was just the same, always wanting a new place to be in having gotten old of the other. Mary got bored easily though and was happy to only visit a place once. I liked returning to them and just sitting there and absorbing the character of the place through the walls and thinking back to all the memories I’d had there. Anyway...Hogwarts: the second I laid my eyes on the castle I was sold. It didn’t hurt that the place I lived in at this point was a two bedroom terrace house in a rough area in Yorkshire, so it only seemed bigger and more magical on that tiny boat with Severus by my side.
Severus.
I’d long believed that when you fell in love with something, you can’t just stop loving it. When I was thirteen I feel in love with muggle country music, then I fell in love with wizarding rock music, but it didn’t mean I didn’t love country music still, it simply meant that I loved another genre too. In the same way I’ll never stop loving Hogwarts and the same way that I’ll never stop loving Mary (even though she drives me up the wall with her excessive complaining) or Charlotte (the words gossiping, blunt and bitch come to mind, but I still love her the same) or any of the others! The point of my excessive rambling is that I never stopped seeing Snape as one of my best friends, and I still loved him to pieces, I just couldn’t stand to see him ruined in such a way.
Severus, despite popular belief, wasn’t a bad person. He was just trying to make the best of the bad situation he was put into by no fault of his own. His life was harder than most people’s which is why I’d found myself wanting to make his life just a little better. I tend to be attracted to people I can help it seems, but I don’t want anyone to help me, I’m stubborn and silly like that.
Stubborn: that sums me up very well. When I’ve judged someone the judgment tends to stick simply because I’m too proud to let it slip. For example the Marauders; ever since they scoffed at Sev on the train I decided that they were big headed prats, Potter especially. I try my best to push back the judgement but they generally haven’t done anything to make me regret that first judgment apart from on a few rare occasions. Potter with his misguided (otherwise none as evil) intentions insults me on a regular basis, Sirius breaks my friend’s hearts and yells completely out of order things, Peter is awkward and inappropriate and Remus is... well.. Remus is okay, but I never had a big issue with Remus in the first place.
The only person I ever changed my judgment for was Severus.
I instantly thought he was a nosy, rude, slimy git. Then we became best friends. Then he called me a mudblood and broke my trust in him. Now I was breaking my judgement again and going back to see him.
Bad idea Lily.
Still I couldn’t keep a slight spring from my step as I walked to the Library as quickly as my legs could carry me: I hadn’t talked to him in ages – my best friend – Severus Snape.
Sev was already sitting at the desk in the library when I walked in. I found myself smiling in spite of myself – I’d firmly decided that I wouldn’t get my hopes up. I’d made myself promise that I wouldn’t show any emotion, I wouldn’t be pleased to see him, I’d let him talk and then decided if I could forgive the unforgivable. Still I couldn’t control my lips as they tilted upwards into a smile.
I know I smile too easily, I can’t help it. My parents always fawn over my smile a lot, they say it’s beautiful, but I only see it as I sign saying TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME PLEASE. I smile when it’s sunny, I smile when someone laughs, I smile when I do well, I smile when I like the food for breakfast and I often find it gives out far too much emotion. My face is very expressive Charlotte told me, she said it was a bad thing because everyone can read me like a book, but really I don’t think that’s completely true. The only emotions that ever really stood out on my face were happiness and anger, the other’s all slipped behind my piercing green eyes and thus no one really noticed them. Sev knew me better than most and I wanted him to think I was angry at him because I knew full well that otherwise he’d just decided I’d forgiven him when I hadn’t. Why was I here?
Because I was drawn to Severus Snape, because he was my best friend, because I love who he was.
Sev’s profile wasn’t exactly an attractive one but it was one I knew and loved from all those years ago when he had become my friend. His nose was slightly crooked (that I could blame fully on Potter: the arse.) and his skin was a ghostly white which challenged even Mary’s complexion. The difference was Mary’s skin always looked soft and pretty where as Sev’s didn’t so much... his had a more yellow tinge that proved just how little love he had received. Then there was his hair. It was undeniably greasy, but it wasn’t due to lack of washing it, but more to do with lack of decent shampoo and conditioner. His eyes were a beady black which didn’t suit his pale skin in the slightest and in all honest he couldn’t be called attractive – average at a push. A big push. A much bigger push than most had the muscles for.
None of that mattered to me of course because he was Severus Snape. My Sev. Best friends forever.
At least we were.
Sev was my first best friend and there’s nothing anyone can do to replace that – he was the one who told me I was a witch and was there for me when Petunia decided I wasn’t worth her time anymore and Sev was the one who truly understood me and everything about me. I, in turn, could tell you every single detail about Severus’s life.
Severus Snape lived on the bad side of my town. There wasn’t exactly a good side, considering both sides were pretty rough areas, but Severus’s side was definitely worse off than mine. The fact was that we both knew what it was like to grow up in a less than pleasant area, even if his situation was a lot worse than mine...
Both of us used to live in relatively nice areas to begin with: we had a four bedroom, four bathroom house with a sizeable garden in Sheffield until I was eight; Severus had a three bedroom, two bathroom semi-detached house in Leeds until he was four years old and then it all changed due to reasons outside our control and we ended up in the same rough little town.
“Lily,” Sev said acknowledging my presence stiffly. His eyes told a different story to the cold indifference he was treating me with however – the blackness was dancing with unusual grey tinge as he looked at me. He was glad to see me too.
“Sorry I’m late,” I breathed excitedly, I was just so relieved to be back in the presence of my best friend that all those thoughts of pretending to be angry and keeping my emotions hidden within disappeared from my mind and I simply beamed at him. Yeah, that’s me; Lily Evans the idiot.
“We can’t talk here,” he said stiffly, his eyes darting around to look for what I expected to be another member of Slytherin. His eyes fixed on Avery, who watched him carefully, and I scowled. This got my back up already – I didn’t like the fact that he wouldn’t be seen talking to me in public because of his stupid friends, because I was a dirty little mudblood. I held in my anger however as he shoved his books back in his bags and walked out of the library giving me a look of distaste.
Even though I knew that look was fake I still found myself feeling horrible inside. I sat there for a few minutes trying to sort myself out before and had to take a deep breath. I looked in my bag and making out that I’d lost something before following him out the library. My good mood was already deteriorating, I scalded myself for getting my hopes up and expecting him to have changed in the four months it was since I hadn’t talked to him.
God I missed him...
I didn’t know where he had been planning on talking to me I realised as I shot the librarian a friendly smile shutting the door behind me. Maybe he had realised that it was a bad idea and scarped before I could interrogate him. Maybe he realised that I wasn’t worth the hassle of risking his own neck. Or maybe just maybe he’d loved having me gone as much as I’d missed him.
I sighed in annoyance, more at myself than anything, before beginning my way back to the dormitory. It was only eight thirty, I could still easily catch up Mary and accompany her and Sirius, and Potter I reminded myself shaking my head. Alice was on a date, even the thought made my lips turn up into a wide smile, Alice deserved someone to make her happy and call her gorgeous after all the things she’d gone through more than anyone, except perhaps Mary. Alice was dreadfully sweet and had so much personality just waiting to burst out when the right person came along, and maybe Mike Longbottom would be the one? Rachel – she’d be too busy spying on Sirius to be any fun and Charlotte and her date (did she tell us his name?) would probably be at it by now. I sighed again. I’d just have to go back to the Dorm and actually do some work...
Then a white hand grabbed my arm and pulled me into the shadows of a disused classroom. First I was too taken a back by how sneakily and expertly he had grabbed me and how I hadn’t seen him coming at all before I looked around the room and realised this classroom wasn’t any old disused classroom. Of course, how could I forget? This room was the one which we had met up and chatted for the first year and a bit, which I had completely forgotten about until I had been ceremoniously dragged in.
Don’t get your hopes up Lily one side of my brain was saying while the other screamed he remembers! That means he still cares!
I decided to let my lips smile if they wanted to as I looked around the room. Already I could feel the memories washing over me as visions of my complaining about Potter, talking about classes and other silly little things.
“So why were you so late? It’s not like you.” Sev asked, but his voice was still so awkward and closed off from me. Not the normal tone he used with me. Still I was pleased he remembered I was punctual (even if everyone in the world knew that) because it meant that he hadn’t blocked every little thing about me away and got on with his life... as a death eater.
“I was helping Mary get ready,” I said fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and give him a hug.
“Mary? The one who died her hair purple and made a scene about her mother being a witch?” He asked with extreme distaste in his voice as his lips twisted into a sneer.
“Yes! That Mary who happens to be my friend!” I snapped angrily. Already he was turning into an arse and insulting my friends. He didn’t know anything about Mary and what he’d gone though!
“Some friend.” Sev commented and he wouldn’t look at me. He knew full well I hated him talking like that, and maybe that’s why he did it.
“And what is that supposed to mean?” I asked, already affronted by his mannerisms.
“I mean she’s been too busy stuck in her own head to be a good friend.” He said standing up and walking over to the window. I watched his retreating back as he walked towards the window his cheep old robes blowing out behind him.
“Well she’s been a damn better friend than you have!” I snapped but regretted it a second after. He didn’t react. He didn’t turn around and instead stared out of the window.
“What did you want Lily?” He asked his voice heavy with regret and some sort of pain that I wanted to fix completely. My best friend was suffering and I just wanted to make it all go away.
“Why...?” I began and then stopped because although it was a stupid thing to ask, I wanted to know so badly. “Why do you want to be a death eater Sev?” I asked and he winced. He full on winced. Of all the things I could have asked I knew that question caused him the most pain. It seemed over the past few months we’d both faced some facts. I knew where he was heading, but for some reason I was still here. Severus knew our friendship was doomed for failure and was doing a much better job and not setting himself up for disappointment. We both knew us being friends was too dangerous for the both of us.
“You know why.” He said flatly and in a way I did.
When we downsized from our house in Sheffield it was because my dad’s business failed. Dad had put a lot of money into his green grocers business which he was absolutely in love with. He loved the satisfaction of hard work, manual labour, as he slaved away over patches of tomatoes and apple trees showering every last piece of fruit and vegetable with more love than most humans ever got. It was all he could ever talk about – Lily have you seen my strawberry plant, give it a week and they’ll look marvellous! He was popular for awhile because no one could not appreciate his obvious love for the shop, and the fact that he had us playing in the garden where he grew all his fruit for that cute factor meant that he generally made a marginal profit. The problem came after one very hot summer, a very cold winter, and a supermarket moving into our village. Next thing we knew we’ve lost several bedrooms and a few grand. Stuck in a crappy village with a large debt.
Severus’s case was entirely different. His mother, a witch by the maiden name of Prince, fell utterly in love with Tobias Snape despite the fact that she was from a strict pureblood background and thought nothing good of muggles. It began apparent after she had been dating him for awhile that he didn’t love her and in a desperate attempt to get him to stay she didn’t take her contraption and fell pregnant. Due to this they got married and all financial support from his mother’s side of the family was cut off. From here on in, things went from sort of bad to terrible. Tobias Snape it turned out was not a nice man, and was in fact a raging alcoholic. Thus Sev was brought up among yelling, screaming, punching and all the money earned going straight to the grotty pub down the road.
Severus’s childhood was a mess because his mother had married a muggle and in a way I could see why he didn’t like muggleborns because they were the cause off all that suffering he went through.
Still, there’s a line.
Sev is like me in the fact that once he’s made up his mind, that’s that. I was the only one who he altered his judgement for many times, and vice versa. I had no idea why things had played out that way, but they had, and the only reason I could explain it with was that we both had a simple desire for each other’s company. Sev and me just seemed to work, I didn’t know why, but once we’d got into the flow on conversation it was lighter and freer than with anyone. He could make me smile and could make me angrier than anyone else. I didn’t want to lose that, but I guess I knew deep down that I had to.
I didn’t reply to his statement because I could neither approve or condemn it, because I had known what Sev had gone though I felt far too much sympathy to his plight that I should do. I knew that Sev was a Slytherin though and though and there was nothing I could do about it. Being a Slytherin didn’t make you bad, the people in Slytherin made you bad, and although I could still remember times when Sev was obviously annoyed that I was a mudblood when he was little his disgust for mudblood increased tenfold under the influence of the others.
I had heard he had written off his mother and sworn that he wasn’t a muggle lover in any way, thus out meetings had generally been in secret for the first year, I had agreed because I wanted him to fit in where he was. After the second year though I was annoyed, I figured that if my friends could deal with it, so could his and eventually I persuaded him to be seen with me but we will still closer in private.
“Your friends know your here?” Sev asked and I wave of guilt hit me. Here I was criticising him for making sure I wasn’t seen in public with him (in my thoughts at least) and I had done just the same by making sure all of my friends were out.
“Mary does.” I answered as he walked back and sat down on the table. “You have new robes,” I said looking at the new black material that was most obviously expensive. I was used to seeing him dressed in unclean, torn and rather scatty clothes for it was all that he could generally afford.
“Mary was your cover?” Sev asked ignoring my last comment. I nodded. “The other’s don’t even realise you’re not at Hogsmeade.” He looked annoyed by the very thought that they should care so little. That’s what I love about Sev, he always thinks that I should be treated the best (even if he doesn’t always live up to it himself) and constantly makes snide comments about how my friends should treat me better, and the truth it is makes me feel better. It makes me a horrible person but when I get frustrated with them it’s good to know that someone, at least, thinks I deserve more. More than this.
“Potter probably does.” I retorted and he scowled, I knew that would get to him, like he knew that insulting my friends got to me (even if it was for different reasons than he assumed).
“Oh yes, perfect Potter and his mates.” He said looking mutinous. “And Black? The dirty traitor-”
“I don’t want to listen to your opinions on them.” I said snidely and his eyes darkened.
“Because they’ll taint your perfect view on the Marauders,” Sev mocked.
“No, they’ll only make your friends look even worse.” I snapped crossing my arms over my chest.
“I doubt that much can make Black look more appealing. The other day I heard him ask a forth year if she wanted to ride on his broom stick.” Sev retorted harshly. I found the corners of my lips lifting upwards as I fought the desire to laugh. I could already picture Sirius saying just that with his trademark smirk on his face and the fit Mary would throw if she knew.
Sev looked at my in disbelief as I burst into laughter. I couldn’t help it.
“Ride on his broom stick!” I exclaimed breathless from laughing too hard. Sev looked at me disparagingly and stood up.
“Glad to know you find Black oh so funny,” He said crossly. “Why don’t you go join him and his other funny mates? It’s obvious you don’t want to be here!” He exclaimed which sobered me up in an instant.
“Because you seem so enthusiastic about the whole thing!”
“You’re the one who cut me out!”
“You’re the one who called me a mudblood!” I said sharply and he shut up instantly and began pacing around the room. We were both silent for a few minutes as we both wondered just why we had come.
It was apparent that we weren’t going to get along. It was evident that my best friend was gone, and this was all that was left of him and I just wanted to cling on for as long as I could. So was that why I was here?
I always had that heroic quality that made me want to save people. It normally happened to be from their problems rather than grave danger’s but I still wanted to help them and fix them so before today I had decided that it was because I wanted to save Sev from the choices he was going to make. I wanted to give him something to grab onto, so I could pull him to the other side before it was too late. It was because he was my best friend and I still loved him because he had been there for me. At least that’s what I had thought. So far however I hadn’t even tried to convince him that the choices he was going to make were wrong ones. I had barely even got near the subject and instead I was skitting round the edges, avoiding the things that really needed to be said.
Now, standing in front of him, I could see my intentions were a lot less pure. I knew Sev made me feel good about myself, Sev made me comfortable, he kept me sane when everyone else was loosing their heads and he made it so much easier to just get on with it. He knew it as he looked into my sharp green eyes, he knew it wasn’t about him, it was about me.
“I told you I was sorry,” He said softly as he sat down beside me.
“But it makes no difference.” I put in sadly because it didn’t. We were from different leagues now, different circles of life entirely and neither of us were prepared to cross that line so we could still be friends. “Where did you get the new robes from?”
“I got a job.” He answered and I knew from his tone I wasn’t meant to ask what the job was because we both knew I wouldn’t like the answer. “Worked all summer,”
“I thought you had to look after your mum?” I asked softly and he winced.
“She doesn’t really need looking after any more,” He said not looking at me, but his hand smoothing over the sleeve of his robes. “Ten feet under,” he finished and I found myself gasping in shock. Another wave of sympathy hit me as thought of poor Sev, now without a mother.
“Your Dad?” I asked and he laughed humorously.
“Scarped.” He said as I considered all the connotations of that phrase. Was it Thomas Snape who had finished off his wife in yet another drunken fist fight? I didn’t ask. I knew Sev didn’t want to talk about it anymore than I wished to discuss Potter with him.
“What about you, was Petunia being a bitch?”
“She was too preoccupied to bother me much: her new boyfriend, he’s bigger than Slughorn and looks like a quaffel only not as attractive.”
“Well, I’m sure she deserves him completely.” I hit him lightly but smiled all the same.
Then we settled into a silence once again and I realised I was smiling again, a lot. None of what I had intended to ask had crossed my mind since I’d been dragged into this classroom. I sighed and lay back on the desk I had been sitting on, letting my head rest on the cold desk and stuck to the easy thoughts. I considered the room carefully from where I was lying: I was at a loss as to what this classroom would normally be used for as they only had four large tables in it which was vastly impractical for doing anything much.
It reminded me of my muggle primary school’s and the way they tried as hard as they could to make them homily and welcoming but only managed to create an over bright fake atmosphere. I liked sensing the atmosphere of a building which was always so much easier in a magical place. Severus always said it was because I had so much magic I could feel it coming from the walls and it made me at home. I guess he was right. I closed my eyes and just listened to the silence of the room.
“What did you come here to ask me?” Sev asked after a few moments and I turned my head to find he was watching me carefully.
“I... I don’t know,” I said softly because all those irrelevant thoughts about not getting my hopes up were stupid. Ridiculous even. How could Sev ever let me down like that, Sev was my best friend for ever, he understood me more than anyone and here I was giving him one of my rare second chances and he was going to accept it. I could tell. I just knew.
“Yes you do,” He said lying back on the desk so he was level with me.
“Do not.”
“Do too.”
“Do not!” I protested laughing at the childish games.
“Do too!” He said giving me a rare smile. With Sev every smile was earned which made them so much more rewarding and special.
“Do too!” I said laughing.
“Do not!”
“Severus Snape! I so do not!” I protested.
“Lily Marie Evans, yes you do!”
“Ooo! Middle names!” I said in my most childish voice. He smiled back at the childishness and silliness of the game. Back in first year we’d occasionally have these childish quips and Sev revelled in them; having never had much love given to him when he was a child it was with me when we could mess around and have fun.
“Oh shut up,” He said pushing my lightly.
“You shut up,” I retorted although there was a grin plastered on my face.
“I missed you,” Sev said and I found my grin widening just knowing that he cared enough to miss me made me feel so much better about missing him so much that it was unreal.
“I missed you too!” I said and he smiled again, but sadly this time.
That sad little smile brought reality along with it. I sat up quickly realising that the boy in front of me wasn’t my childhood friend but a teenager intent on pursuing a group of people that killed muggleborns like me. Someone who hated muggles so much they were prepared to kill them for their own pleasure. Someone who was prepared to join a group of forces who ripped apart people’s lives because they could. Someone who would eventually torture people and murder people for enjoyment.
I recoiled away from him as the reality hit home and I realised I had made yet another bad judgement. Or maybe I should never have changed my judgement on Severus Snape and should have told him to go away that first time when he spied on as at the swings all those years ago.
Still. I couldn’t regret it.
“Lily!” Sev said obviously catching my train of thought as quickly as the repulsion showed in my eyes. “Lily, I’m sorry!” He claimed and I jumped of the desk and stepped backwards.
Why had I come here? Why had I let myself get carried away with memories and whimsical hopes when there was no hope left here? Then an even more terrifying thought than the last one flitted across my brain and I took another step away from him.
“Lily! It’s not like I’d ever hurt you!”
“Just everyone else of my birth!” I said panicked and scared; not because of Sev, I trusted him with my life, but what I was scared of was exactly why I would trust Sev with my life when he was a murderer. Or at least planning on becoming one.
“You’re different!” He exclaimed walking towards me, his black eyes begging me to believe him with unquestionable deaths. “You’re good, kind, clever and true!” He protested.
“So are other muggleborns! You don’t know them do you!?!” I asked loudly and his eyes flashed with pain at my words. “If Voldermort asked you to kill me, would you do it?” I asked and he took one final step towards me and looked into my eyes shaking his head.
“Never Lily!” He said and that’s when I realised something so terrifying and obscure that I swear I stopped breathing. Why was it that with Severus Snape I felt more comfortable and at home with than anyone else and I bent my judgement for him and only him?
“Lily?” Sev asked softly and I found myself looking into those dark black eyes with a new found interest.
When had that happened? I thought as he looked straight back into my green eyes and I saw something more in his gaze than our close friendship. That’s why I’m here. I realised although it was entirely too late for me to run away and hide now. I knew that this trip wasn’t about him, but about me, but what I definitely hadn’t considered was why I wanted to be here.
Because he was my best friend?
If that were the sole reason then I would be able to remove a great number of the thoughts spinning round my head in a big wave on confusion, the main one being what would happen if he kissed me.
I knew full well that there are many things in life that are unforgiveable. I knew that Severus Snape wasn’t destined to be on the same path as me. I knew we’d already gone our separate ways and I should never have tried to fix it between us because it was only tearing my heart more apart.
I knew I loved him as my best friend, but was there something more behind the amount I’d missed him?
Of course not.
I hated myself for thinking it. I really did. It was stupid that I would be risking my heart this way when I knew it would never work out: I knew it, I really did. Still my emerald eyes were glued to his black ones as I looked at him in fear; I didn’t know what I felt anymore and I’m not sure if I wanted to find out. Most people will tell you Lily Evans is a control freak and not having this control was driving me crazy.
Then I did what any self respecting Gryffindor would do (Or Gryffindor traitor as some might say): I took the plunge and moved forward that extra inch until our lips were touching.
Oh my god, Lily Evans you are a complete idiot.
A/N - Don't kill me please! I know, I'm evil and this story is going to end up in cannon I promise but I just started writing this and it just happened! So how do you think I did at being Lily? Don't worry, Mary will be returning next chapter :) Review please :)
A/N - Hellooo my lovely readers who I love :D Hogsmeade part two, what more can I say? Enjoy (I hope). :)
“You’re here, there’s nothing I fear,”
My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dionne.
“So where are we meeting them?” Sirius asked as he followed in my wake which in itself was quite impressive – I wasn’t exactly going slowly and I’d bet my legs were longer than his (although he was taller overall).
“In the hospital wing,” I snapped back as he hurried to keep up with me. I was more than a little annoyed at him right now, as in completely huffed at him.
“Erm...Why are they there?” Sirius asked confusedly from somewhere behind me. I didn’t look back.
“To catch up with Nate,” I retorted striding across the grounds back towards the castle.
“Nate knows your parents?!?!?” Sirius exclaimed stopping walking in shock. This only increased my annoyance at him by a large amount and it was all I could do to stop myself from turning around and punching his lights out (or attempting to, last time I punched someone I could barely move my fingers for half a week) not that there are many lights up in his head.
“Yes! He’s a family friend!!”
“So you’re not screwing him?”
“NO!” I yelled turning back to glare at him. He truly was thick and I found it so strange that there were people, as in a lot of them, who actually thought I was shagging Nathaniel Peacock. No way!
Although, if he offered...
“I thought you agreed to be Civil?” Sirius smirked.
“No! I didn’t! I had a breakdown due to the overload of information and the stress of a decision, which you should know I can’t deal with, then I tried to run off and you made me shake your hand and agree to temporary civility!” I retorted and his smirk grew wider.
Big mistake there Mary.
See the thing is, I don’t like decisions. I really don’t like decisions. Once I had gotten so stressed over whether or not I wanted a hot chocolate I swore at Karen, started crying, broke a mirror and threw a bottle of perfume out the window (it didn’t help I was especially pissed at a certain someone at this point) then general gist being that I don’t deal with decisions too will. So when Sirius had stood there with an expectant look on his face and his fingers outstretched to mine I had... panicked. I’d stood there getting more and more stressed (everybody watching hadn’t helped) then I’d froze, looked at the floor, tried to run away, yelled at him and almost started crying. Then he had taken matters into his own hands and grabbed my hand. It was a state of civility to last the day and nothing more, but already he was doing my head in.
“So you mean you’re not, like, in a relationship with Nate?”
“No.” I answered more annoyance flaring up inside me at his idiotic questions and inability to accept the truth.
“So you’re just friends?”
“Yes!”
“So why did you prank Quiggles?”
“Who?” I asked stopping to look at him curiously.
“Professor Quigley,” He answered rolling his eyes. Again this made me want to punch him, how was I supposed to understand the stupid nick name? Quiggles? What sort of name is that?
Then again, what sort of name is Quigley?
“None of your damn business!” I retorted turning back to walking towards the castle, which is probably what I should be concentrating on right now because we were late, and it was going to be so much worse when we eventually got it.
“I thought we were being Civil?”
“Civil, yes! But we’re not about to start having meeting where we drink tea, have girly sleepovers and debates about whose hot and who’s not or cosy chats about our home life!”
“Awww, why not Mazza!?” Sirius mocked and I ignored him. I was now back in a fowl mood (if you hadn’t previously guessed). I didn’t want to see my family in the slightest and I wanted Sirius to be present even less. My Hogsmeade was supposed to be a relaxing break away from school but it was only becoming more and more stressful as the day went on with stupid amounts of drama.
“We’re late. Shut up and walk faster.” I said and there must have been some degree of authority in my voice because he shut up completely and picked up the pace so much so that I could barely keep up. I was quite proud that he actually had listened and felt a rare smile slide on to my face. Sirius was smirking next to me.
“We’re forty minutes late,” Sirius informed me as we reached the castle and I glanced at my watch which confirmed he was right and we both sped up into a half-run through the castle slowing down only when we reached the entrance to the hospital wing.
You see, after being informed of my impending death Dumbledore had said that any time my family wanted to visit me they would be allowed. Therefore he had set up a floo network from my house to the hospital wing which meant in an emergency they could get there straight away. It was a good easy system and saved me from walking all the distance to Dumbledore’s office.
Walking through the hospital wing toward my parents with Sirius by my side was more than a little uncomfortable. That wasn’t what I was thinking about, however, when I approached the five of them, plus Nate, talking at the far end of the room.
The first person I noticed was Becky.
Becky looked much worse than the last time I’d seen her. Her pale skin, a family trait she had despite not being a blood relative, was stretched over her skeleton tightly and I could tell at a glance she’d lost a lot of weight since I’d last seen her. Her eyes were dull and slightly unfocused as she stood there rigidly. She was dressed in black, a common thing for her, with dark black eyeliner on her top lids which only made her look even paler and thinner. Her black T-shirt hung off her body loosely and her dark jeans were held up with a belt. I found it hard to believe that a just over a week ago, according to Dad, she had been pregnant.
Then I noticed Karen. She looked pretty as always with baby Ria in her arms and I had to admit dad, Ria and her looked like a wonderful little family but there was Becky scaring the edge of the picture. Johnny, his eyes a bright blue which just didn’t match and me... then the family picture was ruined.
“Hi,” I managed to choke out as every particle in my body shook. These were my family, my supposed flesh and blood (some of them at least), but there was a barrier between us that none of us were prepared to break thus creating a space, something blocking us from being truly great. I could see the family of my dreams grimaces melting into smiles, love, laughter and support and it was what I wanted. Still, it was so hard to take the first step.
“Hello Mary,” Karen said, her voice dripping with false nicety. Her voice just made me want to hit her even more than Sirius’s voice made me want to hit him. It was purely annoying and fake in away that sent my thoughts whirring around m head angrily. “You look very nice today,” She said a smile on her stupid bloody face. Man she made my blood boil.
“Thanks.” I spat out harshly and Karen recoiled away from me slightly. Nate shot me a look which told me clearly to be nice. Too bad this Mary doesn’t follow instructions.
“We’re going on a family day out to the theatre.” Dad said talking as if there is no rift between us. “Thank you for agreeing to look after Ria,” He said and although he’s talking almost normally there’s no warmth in his voice and I can tell it’s forced and hard.
“It’s not hard to take care of it,” I said shooting a look at my half sister. The poison was just flowing out of my mouth easily as we stood there awkwardly. Nate, who had been showing them my files, stuffed the papers back and into the file rack and shifted on his feet as he watched us intently. . “How’s secondary school?” I asked Johnny, trying to make this whole meeting less discomfited but not expecting all that much if I was honest with myself.
“Boring.” He said crossing his arms. “We have to do science almost every day! Then we have this reeally boring teacher! I fell asleep the other day!” He proclaimed then began listing off a long monologue involving a brief description of every single class he did. He somehow manage to melt away the awkward tension with his words, it seemed like he’d been dying to talk to someone for ages. “And now I have to go to this stupid theatre!” He exclaimed and Dad shot him a look while Becky stared off blankly. I felt bad, briefly, for not being at home for Johnny to talk to as I knew how lonely it was when Becky went back into a relapse. This one seemed especially bad.
“You like the theatre,” Dad told him and Johnny rolled his eyes.
“Can’t I come with you Mary?” Johnny said and I was so tempted to say YES JOHNNY come save me, but I knew it wasn’t sensible of feasible so instead I would be stuck with Sirius and James. Great.
“No.” I answered but my voice held less hostility than it had before, because just hearing him talk had melted the ice slightly but it was still there and once the water ran out...
“I want to go meet up with my friends!” Johnny complained and Dad shook his head.
“Karen wants to go to the theatre, all of us together as a family! No exceptions!” Dad said and with that comment all the icy hostility returned, from me at least.
“So what the hell am I?” I asked anger filling me up.
“Language.” Dad said automatically. My heart thundered in my chest as it whenever I spoke something truthful about my feelings – positive or otherwise – as I prepared my brain to start hurling insults and offending comments in retaliation to possibly the harshest comment of the entire week.
“So I’m not included in this family anymore?” I asked ignoring him completely. “So I’m just some lodger who happens to live with you for half the year!”
No one said anything.
“Well,” I said angrily but not continuing. We fell back into a silence, me glaring at dad, Becky staring into space, Johnny looking between us nervously, Karen looking worried, Nate biting his lip and I was too scared to turn to see Sirius’s expression. This was why we didn’t work as a family! There were so many things we should have said and done but never did which meant we were awkward and on edge like a ticking time bomb.
Tick tock.
The question that burned in my mind was would my death that set the spark off?
“I like your hair.” Came from the most shocking off people – Becky. She seemed to have zoned back in and had succeeded in breaking the tension slightly. “The style suits you.” She said and even though she was talking, she used the shortest of sentences. Usually you couldn’t shut her up so the condensed sentences meant she was in a bad way. A stranger could see that just by looking at her though, so it wasn’t saying much. It briefly crossed my mind that letting Sirius meet them was much like handing him my diary or a document written about my life because it was so plain for everyone to see.
“Thanks,” I said running my fingers through my now red locks. “What’s new with you?” I asked in an attempt to make an effort, which was a big thing for me.
“I got an abortion.” She replied no emotion on her face. Here comes the tension.
“Dad said...” I said, she nodded then looked back down at her feet.
“So is this your boyfriend?” Karen asked, obviously trying to keep the conversation rolling.
“No.” I said looking over at Sirius.
“It was a slip of the tongue.” Dad cut in. “Because even after...” My eyes widened in panic as I glanced over at Sirius and my brain completely froze. “...Well you know, after...”
“Dad!” Johnny interrupted, seeing the look in my eyes. “Shouldn’t we be going?” I sighed with relief, then dad looked at his watch and shook his head.
“You know what, we have to go. We’re dreadfully late.” I said as if having only just realised the time. I needed to get out of there; just standing with them was making my skin crawl.
“What for?” Dad asked confused.
“Our restaurant booking,” I replied quickly with the first thing that came into my head.
“It’s eleven?” He questioned and I cursed myself internally for coming up with the worse excuses ever.
“You know us magical folk, always doing strange things.” I said biting my lip, doubting he would be buying a word I said.
“Your mother never...” He stopped. Glanced at Karen. Looked at the floor. Then back up at me. And finally turning back to the floor, avoiding meeting anybodies eyes.
“Well Sirius and I are going to be late.” I said blinking several times to try and recover what was left that I could still recover.
“That’s a shame, I thought we could spend some time catching up, the show isn’t for another hour!” Karen said. “We thought we could have a nice family -”
“That is a shame.” I commented sarcastically. “But quite frankly I’d rather die. So please, just give me Ria and piss off.” I retorted my eyes flashing angrily as the frustration I was feeling burst it’s banks and escaped through my lips.
“What have I told you about being nice -?!” Dad began angrily, rising up several centimetres.
“I don’t know, but I’d bet my life it bored me half to death!” I exclaimed taking Ria out of Karen’s arms and putting her in the pushchair. It was a cheep shot. Trying to emphasise the fact that I was dying to generate at least some sympathy, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and as normal it generated the opposite effect. Now Dad was just pissed.
“So you’re Serious?” Karen said stretching out a hand towards Sirius. “I’m Karen,” she said shaking his hand when Sirius stretched his out to hers bewilderedly.
“CAN’T YOU JUST DO AS YOUR TOLD!?!” Dad yelled taking me by surprise slightly. Normally we last at least half an hour before the yelling breaks out, but I guess the stress of the worsening blood tests makes the strain even more evident.
“How are you then Serious, it’s a lovely day.” Karen said brightly.
“IF YOU DIDN’T TELL ME TO DO SUCH DAFT THINGS!” I yelled back at his angry face which I could date back to almost all my childhood memories. Accompanied with a smile and my mother, looking on disapprovingly.
“Erm... fine?” Sirius told Karen unsurely. Poor sod probably didn’t know what had hit him, well I’ll tell you Sirius, this is my family.
“WELL MAYBE IF-” Dad began, smoke practically coming out of his ears as he resumed his normally rowing stance.
“SHUT UP!” Johnny yelled angrily. “Why do you always make everything rubbish?” He asked me his face hot with fury.
Ouch. Considering Johnny was usually the most favourable out of all of them it cut especially deep and it was all I could do to keep the threat of tears and bay long enough to recover and get out of there.
“It’s a talent.” I told him dryly before revolving the pushchair and stalking out the hospital wing with Ria. My blood was boiling as I thought back over it, blinding me to the pain that encounter had caused for a moment so I was able to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks.
“Wait, Mary!” A voice called and I stopped to find Sirius running to catch up. “Wow, your family are...” He began once he’d caught up and we began walking out of the castle with Ria. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not with Sirius. Not with Nate. Not with ANYONE.
“Charming?” I suggested my fingers shaking with fury on the handle of the pushchair.
“Not the word I was going for, interesting maybe.” He said and I couldn’t help notice he was trying to distract me while quenching his curiosity at exactly the same time. I purposefully didn’t look at him and instead concentrated on pushing the pram carefully.
“How are they interesting?” I asked angrily pushing the pram across the grass of the grounds as we left the sanctuary of the walls of Hogwarts.
“Well they’ve certainly got a story to tell, all six of them.”
“You’d be hard pressed to get a story out of this one,” I commented picking Ria out of the pram. “And I know brains aren’t your strong point, but there were five of them.”
“I was including you, and I think your story might be the most interesting...”
“Why would that be?” I asked cradling Ria in my arms, she was fast asleep as I smiled down at her. Ria had that amazing ability that babies always have to make everything seem slightly better. I loved the feeling of her new skin resting on mine, her weight in my arms was just perfect and the heat she provided held so much divinity it was like cradling a little angel.
I want a baby so bad.
“You’re complicated.” Was Sirius’s answer and I could hardly disagree with that. I was immensely complicated. My life was immensely complicated. Everything was immensely complicated. “You’re secretive, you’re a bitch, you’re nice and you’re extremely bitter,”
“Wow. You have a way with the Ladies.” I said dryly and he smirked next to me.
“I wouldn’t quite classify you as a lady,” He said and I shot him a dark look.
Wasn’t being civil usually nicer than this?
******
Don’t ask my how he’d done it, but somehow Sirius had managed to get my back into a nice, normal, friendly mood.
“That is not true!” I exclaimed through my laughter. “That story was a pile of shite!”
“Your face is a pile of shite, and it made you laugh so ha!” He retorted sticking his tongue out.
“Maturity at its best,” I commented still laughing.
“That’s me, maturity and masculinity at its best,” He announced and I just laughed at him.
“Wow, this shop looks cool, let’s go in!” I suggested excitedly.
“It looks like a Gypsy shop to me.” He said surveying the shop I had looked at with so much interest with a mild indifference which made me feel somewhat foolish.
“I’ve never been in before,” I whined stopping walking. “I want to go in!” I protested batting my eyelashes in an entirely over exaggerated fashion.
“But WHHHHHYYYYY?” Sirius asked in an equally childish manner as I had done.
“Because I’m curious!” I said stopping the eyelash batting – it was making me dizzy (how did Rachel manage it?). Instead I began walking purposefully towards the shop in question. It didn’t really look like a gypsy shop, just intriguing. There were red curtains draw across the windows but there was still a big ‘open’ sign hanging on the door in swirly script. It was simply begging to be explored.
“Curiosity killed the cat.”
“Well, I’m not a big Cat fan,” I commented pushing open the door of the shop. “Curiosity can kill them for all I care, very selfish creatures.”
“See, I had you down as a Cat person,” Sirius pointed out, the surprise evident in his voice. “I can’t stand the things, but how are they selfish?”
“They get nine whole lives!” I complained indignantly. “Nine WHOLE lives. Half of us don’t even get one whole life!”
“Half the population dies prematurely? Not likely.”
“It’s true!” I claimed and he shook his head in disbelief.
“Name Five.” He ordered folding his arms as he looked at me expectantly.
“Ermm... My mother, Grindelawald, me, Martin Luther King...” I said then froze realising what I just said. Sirius didn’t appear to notice that I’d only gotten to five but he had, unfortunately, noticed that I had just admitted I was dying prematurely... fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
“Y...y...you?” He stuttered looking shell shocked. Quick. Recover. Recover. Recover.
“Well, after spending a whole day with you I’m bound to kill myself,” I said lightly and laughed it off. Sirius laughed at my comment and seemed to be over his temporary shock already. My breathing slowed down again but my knees were still shaking slightly as I took a further step into the stop.
“Your face!” I laughed as if I had meant to panic him. “Almost as if you wanted me to be alive!”
“Very funny. You had me there for a minute,” He said throwing his arm around my shoulders. “And of course I want you to be alive,” He said grinning at me. “They’d be no one to tell me to fuck off otherwise would there? So Maz, if you’re not a Cat person, how do you fancy dogs?” He asked, grinning at some private joke that I had a feeling I’d never get.
“Dogs I like, love actually, favourite animals ever,”
Sirius smirked.
****
“Duel or argument?” Sirius asked as we waked down the empty street.
“Argument,”
“Black or white?” He asked.
“Black,” I answered automatically. “White’s too holy. Black’s more dark and mysterious, more alluring...” I explained then stopped. “No! White!” I protested to the smirk plastered all over his face. “No!” He just grinned.
“So I’m alluring,”
“No Black, your not.” I informed him shaking my head. “You my friend are more... pink.”
“You did not just call me pink!” Sirius exclaimed in mock indignance. He pressed his hand against his heart and did his best to look affronted. “I am sooo black!”
“Nope, you’re pink.” I concluded and he shook his head as if he was genuinely offended. “Anyways, I don’t see how these sorts of questions are going to come up on Quiggle’s test.”
“Could do,” Sirius shrugged and we settled into a silence for a while.
I looked down at Ria in the pram as she began to wail really loudly.
I never want children. Okay, so that’s a lie.
“She’s hungry,” I sighed, “Would you mind stopping in there to get something to eat?” I asked, gesturing towards a cafe, and Sirius shrugged in agreement.
*****
“Meaooowww...” I said imitating a plane with the spoonful of baby food. Ria giggled and opened her mouth and in went the spoon.
“So what’s her name again?” Sirius asked pushing aside the plate of food which had been covered in food ten minutes ago but was not completely clean, as was mine.
“Ria,” I said picking up my hot chocolate and taking a sip.
“Wow, nice name,” He commented and I nodded a smile slipping on to my face.
“It was the name I was going use for my kids, and Karen wanted me to like the kid, so she called her Ria, in the hope that I would like her more, but there was no need for that, I can’t help but like the little rat.” I said the adoration loud in my tones, even to me, as I bounced her on my knee.
“Why did you want to hate her?” He asked curiously, sipping on his own hot chocolate. I had no idea why we had chosen to drink hot chocolate on a day as warm as this one, but after I had ordered Sirius had told the waitress he wanted just the same and thus we were both sitting here with steaming hot chocolate’s trying to fan ourselves so we didn’t die of overheating.
“Because she’s my half-sister, and she’s Karen’s...” I began and I could tell he could tell I didn’t want to talk about it (and that’s a lot of telling).
“You’re really good with kids,” He commented and I smiled at him. “Do you want kids when you’re older then?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said not wanting to say that I would never have the chance. “I’ve always really wanted to get married, have kids; you know the whole family thing, but...” I finished but he didn’t seam to have heard it.
“Yeah, I’ve always wanted the same, just a simple life, with the kids, the wife and me!” Sirius claimed and I had to admit I was quite shocked. Even after his announcement in the middle of Hogsmeade I’d never expected him to have this much depth. To want a wife and kids? Surely that was the sort of thing the male kind ran away from at all costs?
“Yeah, just like that, but people never get it! It’s all about having a good job! But I’ve never wanted that, I’ve always just wanted to settle down and just to live...”
“I’ve figured out why people come to you for advice. You seem to have a better perspective than most people, like an old person who’s been through a lot and seen a lot, and so can tell what matters and what doesn’t. You’re sort of wise...” He finished and I smiled slightly, knowing I would never be old, and I would never have kids and... arghh.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, he was more perceptive than I gave him credit for. That isn’t saying much considering I try my best to not give him credit for anything. I mean, in his favour, he was actually quite clever, perceptive, almost deep and not as insensitive as I’d once thought. Still. He was a dick.
“I...I can’t have kids,” I finished. “It’s my blood condition,” I finished lamely. Somehow he also had the ability to drag information out of me without me wanting to reveal anything. Twice now I had almost told him I was dying, yet I hadn’t even really considered telling Lily.
Dick.
“Oh,” He said simply unsure of what to say. “You can always adopt,” He said after a few minutes of stony silence.
“Yeah, I suppose,” I said weakly picking up my mug and taking another a sip of the hot chocolate liquid. “It’s not the same though. That’s why Karen called the kid Ria I think...” I said trailing off. “She’ll be the closest contact I’ll have with a kid that’s blood related to me,” I said. “Anyway, little Ria’s done here, so we should be off back to the village,” I said and Sirius nodded, draining his hot chocolate and standing up behind me.
We walked along in almost a friendly fashion and I was quite surprised how we never seemed to run out of conversation topics as I thought we would. I didn’t dwell on this, however, because I didn’t want to think about it as it was mildly scary.
“Oh wow,” Sirius said and I turned to look and what had gained such a response.
“Wow,” I whispered looking at in awe. “Oh my god,” I said tracing my fingers over the glass. “I LOVE it,”
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed but he didn’t seem to be quite as amazed by the bike as me. That’s what it was; a shiny, brand new, red motorcycle. It was a large beast of a machine which just screamed cool and the aura of being amazing radiating off into the atmosphere, I could feel it even through the glass window. It was simply amazing.
“I want it!” I wined and Sirius laughed pulling me away. I attempted to resist but he was much stronger than me and pulled me away with no effort on his behalf.
“What could you do with a flying motorbike?”
“It flies!” I exclaimed, in awe, trying to move back to see it. A flying motorbike? Wow.
“Oh come on,” He said, dragging me onwards towards the centre of the village. Sirius, like me, seemed completely comfortable in the outskirts of the town were most people have never even tread before and it reminded me briefly of all those Saturday’s I’d spent with Lily just wandering around chatting. This was surprisingly similar to that.
“Meany!” I exclaimed but let him anyway. We carried for a while in idle chatter about stupid things I’d never imagine myself and Sirius talking about, but here we were.
******
“I need to buy some shampoo,” I commented steering Sirius into the ‘Hair and Body shop.’ Pushing Ria in the pram.
“Why do you buy it from here?” He asked. “The shop down the road is cheaper.”
“Yeah, but... smell this!” I said presenting him with strawberries and cream body butter.
“Merlin! That smells good!” He grabbed the pot out of my hands and practically put his nose in it. I resisted the urge to shove his face into the cream, purely because it was expensive, and instead dragged him further into the shop.
“Precisely,” I said smiling. “I get a different one each time normally, but I’ve been through all of them except the chocolate orange one, and I don’t like that one. Someone might try to eat me,”
“Hell! I’d eat you if you smelled like this!” Sirius claimed picking up the Vanilla and ice cream one.
“That’s the one I had last time,” I said wryly, and he didn’t even look uncomfortable. “Then your ex-girlfriend finished off the bottle off for me.”
“I thought I recognised it!” He said, “But which ex-girlfriend?”
“Anyone ever told you your dickhead? Rachel.” I said feeling a spark of annoyance at the bottom of my spine. He dropped the subject immediately and we ended up in an awkward uncomfortable silence. Ria broke the silence magnificently by reaching out for one of the displays and knocking a row of tubs over. Then she laughed.
I rolled my eyes and attempted to pick them up, Sirius doing likewise.
“Right. Anyway, let’s stick to the matter at hand?” I suggested because in actual fact it had been a good day and these pauses in conversation had been sparse, and the civility thing seemed to have work surprisingly better than I thought it would.
“Okay...” he said picking up the next one in line ‘Red Red Rose’. “No, I don’t like that one,” He placed it back down. “Too flowery.”
“Agreed.” I nodded, knowing already exactly what it smelt like. A mixture of flowers and something else, which always reminded me of overly girly bitches giggling and giggling at some daft gossip. Like those third years for example...
“WOW!” he said picking one up. He opened the pot and smelt the sweet scent that it gave off. “Get this one!” He said and I looked at the label.
“Thought you’d pick that one,” I smiled.
“Mango and Papaya...” He read off the label. “So this is where you got that lip balm from? Here it is...” he said pulling out a little tub of lip-balm. He stuck his fingers in the orange substance and then smothered it all over his lips. “Tastes just like I remember it!” he said wiggling his eyebrows.
“Prat.” I said laughing. “You have to buy that now you’ve stuck your fat fingers in it!”
“What happened to civility?” He joked, pulling out some galleons from his bag. “How’s about I buy you a set of the Mango and Papaya stuff?”
“I can buy it myself!” I said picking up the various bottles and tubes.
“Yeah I know, but I like wasting my parent’s money...” He said pulling them off me. “So really, I might as well buy it, they’re filthy rich.”
“Stop showing off! I’ll pay!” I said pulling them off him again, another spark of annoyance pulsing through my veins at his stupid behaviour.
“I’m not showing off, I’m just saying! I can pay and you can save your money for-”
“No!” I interjected pulling them back off him, vaguely realising how stupid this argument was.
“How’s about I pay for these, you pay for our butter beers?”
“Fine.” I compromised, letting go of the handful of stuff. Sirius, who had been trying to pull them out of my hands, fell backwards on to his arse. I laughed as he tried to pick himself up again.
“I meant to do that,” he said hurriedly picking up all the things he’s dropped.
“Sure,” I mocked.
“Well, I can get away with it, because I’m so cool.” He said striking a pose which I assume was meant to be cool.
“U-huh,” I agreed sarcastically with raised eyebrows. He flashed me a grin and then returned to looking at the pile of stuff he had decided he was buying me.
“What the fuck is body butter?” Sirius asked picking up a tub wearily – as if he’d become more girly by touching it. Yet he’d had no problem smelling the stuff a few minutes before. Boys are weird.
“Watch your language!” I reprimanded, covering Ria’s ears up.
“You don’t get a knife and spread yourself in it, then serve yourself up on bread do you?”
“No!” I exclaimed – trust him to think dirtily.
“Though, actually, that sounds fun... And what’s this, facial scrub? How much crap am I buying you here?”
“I only wanted the shampoo and conditioner; you’re the one who picked up the rest!” I protested, but he ignored me completely and instead carried on examining the individual packets.
“Well come on, you might as well have the full set, look you get 5 galleons off if you buy the whole set! Toner? Face moisturiser? Hand cream? Cuticle softener? Shaving Cream? Perfume? Deodorant? Body butter? Bath gel? Shower gel? Exfoliating body cream? Shampoo? Conditioner?” He said putting each bottle on the counter as he did so. “Lip gloss? Lip balm? Hair spray? Eye cream? A bath bomb? They’ll smell you coming...”
“Are you okay sir, you don’t need a hand do you? I’m Grace by the way,” The assistant said coming over. She was tall with very shiny brown hair that hung down to her shoulders. She fluttered her mascara covered eyelashes at him as she spoke, a flirtatious smile on her glossed lips. Slut.
“Nope, but now much is all this junk?” He asked, and I was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t even look her up and down, his gaze not even travelling down to her chest where one too many buttons were undone...
“Thirty galleons, but as a special offer today each object is on buy one get one free. So you could get a full set of any of the others too...” She continued her voice silky and soft as she looked up at him wide eyed. Her lips took a long time forming the words as she tried to emphasise her perfect coloured lips.
“Excellent!” Sirius announced. “Pick another scent Mary!”
“Erm...” I mumbled unsure. I felt completely and utterly ridiculous standing here and looking at her flirting with him. She was considerably taller than me, especially with her heels on, and she gave me a withering look as I failed to provide an answer. What an idiot she was bound to be thinking, venom behind the irises in her gaze. She was the type of person that could make you feel insignificant and stupid by the vibes of confidence they emitted.
“We have a new one!” The assistant said fetching over a sample, she swayed her hips as she walked and flicked her hair around. She made her way over to the desk and smiled at him through her eyelashes as she bent down. “Just for you,” She said presenting him with a pot. Sirius sniffed it, and nodded.
“Perfect, we’ll have one of those as well.” He said flashing her a grin. She seemed to swoon and pulled out a fancy box set of the new scene and put it in a bag.
“I hope you enjoy it, that’ll be thirty.” She said holding out her hand.
“Come on Mary, let’s go.” Sirius said I gave her a smug smile as I walked out of the shop with him by my side... and Ria of course.
“You really shouldn’t have done that,” I sighed. “Someone else will only use it all up for me, and it was awfully expensive.”
“Pass it here,” Sirius said grabbing the bag back off me again. He cast a charm over the bag then handed it back. “Now it says ‘Basic Shampoo’ and it will smell horrible until you put it on,” He said, and I couldn’t help but smile.
“Thanks,” I said and he simply grinned.
“I’m clever aren’t I Ria?” He asked bending down in front of her. “I’m clever! Say Sirius Black is clever and sexy-”
“Stop trying to sabotage my sister!” I said laughing, picking her out of the pram and cuddling her. He smiled.
“So, I need to learn a little more about you for this test,” Sirius said rolling his eyes at the word test.
“I know, it’s stupid! Why are they trying to make us get along! It’s never going to happen...”I said but stopped myself, we’d seemed to be getting on just fine today which was a little worrying. Instead I looked away, and busied myself by putting Ria back in the pram.
“They shouldn’t force people together,” Sirius agreed, “Maybe if they didn’t try and make us get along, we would,” Sirius said and I smiled slightly. “See, just when you think you’ve got someone worked out...”
“Huh?” I asked confused at his statement.
“I was absolutely sure you were going to snort then,” He said and I laughed.
“I’ve given it up, it’s not very attractive,” I said wrinkling my nose, and looking at him to see his reaction, bad idea; I tripped over a stone and nearly sent myself to the floor but Sirius grabbed my arm and held me steady in a way that forced me to look at him.
“I don’t know, I think it’s quite becoming,” He said and his voice was different than normal, more silky and just for a second I found myself looking into his intense grey eyes. His lips tilted up into a slight smile, not the smirk I was used too, and the light wind blew through his hair as I took in every insignificant detail about his face...
“Hey padfoot!” I heard James yell and I quickly looked away. “I thought you were meant to be meeting up with Mary, not trying out the charm on some...” He said then trailed of realising it was me.
“Wow, Mary, nice hair,” Remus said and I’m pretty sure I blushed. Not because of him complimenting me but more because...
“Were you guys just having a moment?” James asked and I snorted in fake disgust even though I think we sort of did.
Snorting was a bad idea it seemed though because Sirius smirked and James looked confusedly between me and Sirius.
“Bit young to have a baby aren’t we?” Jeremy Wood from the year above asked as he walked past us. I gave him the finger. “Is it Blacks?” He asked grinning his supposedly attractive grin.
“No you thick arse, she’s my sister,” I said picking her up out of the pram, and bouncing her on my hip, “Sorry chick, you have to go back to your horrible mummy and daddy soon,” I said tickling her tummy again as she giggled.
“She’s really cute,” Peter commented and I smiled.
“Yeah, she’s adorable, now what are you guys doing here?” I asked and James grinned.
“We thought one of you would be dead by now, but as your not. I need you to help me change! You said you’d help me remember!” He reminded me and I groaned. If Quiggles, as Sirius calls her, hadn’t asked me to prank her I wouldn’t have to do this! Sucks to be me I guess.
“But me and Black have to learn about each other to pass this test,” I protested and James pretended to faint.
“Marry wanting to spend more time with our dear Sirius, maybe they were having a moment!” Peter said and I glared at them.
“How hard do you reckon it would be to spread round that that baby was yours?” James asked evilly. “MARRY AND SIRIUS SITTING IN A TREE!” James yelled happily. “K.I.S-”
“OKAY!” I yelled over him, “I’ll help you, but I swear if I fail this test, I’ll blame you!” I said poking him in the chest.
“It wasn’t me who made her yell this time!” Sirius exclaimed and I narrowed my eyes at him, “Hey, what happened to being civil?” he asked and I shrugged.
“That was gone the moment I didn’t have to be alone with you anymore,” I said and he folded his arms over his chest. He seemed to be pretty angry and I could see why, it was hardly very nice of me to revert back to being a bitch to him after spending several almost pleasant hours with him.
“So how do I get Lily to like me??!?!?” James asked eagerly jumping up at me excitedly.
“How about I get us a table?” Sirius suggested gesturing towards the Three Broomsticks.
“Yeah, this could take a while.” Pete said and his pointy-face was grinning; like he enjoyed my pain.
Sadist.
*****
“Okay, let’s start with the beginning,” I said tiredly. “When did you first start liking Lily?”
“Pfft! As if he can remember that! Wasn’t it like forth year?” Sirius asked and Remus nodded in agreement.
“Third,” I corrected and I received a strange look.
“Oh Merlin,” James said as he remembered. “It was when I dated you right?”
“Yep.” I replied simply pulling out a piece of parchment from my handbag. Third year I scribbled down on the parchment.
“Hey! I remember now!” Pete said suddenly. “You’d barely noticed Lily before! But then you started hanging around Mary because you were dating then you fell in love with her! Then you dumped Mary and asked Lily out the next day!”
“Wow, we’ve been right prats to you,” James said slowly, as if he’d only just realised. “You actually have a reason to be a bitch to us! I bet we really put a downer on your dating history.”
“Not really, but I suppose it helps that I could fit it twice on the back of a napkin with room to spare,”
“Go on Maz, tell us all about it!” James said and I rolled my eyes. Trust them to be ridiculously curious.
“First kiss?” Sirius asked.
“Onion boy.” I answered robotically as the others listened intently.
“First boyfriend?”
“Onion boy’s brother.” I said laughing. “Other wise known as garlic boy,”
“Mary!” James said as if he was shocked. Remus was now shaking his head in disbelief and Pete seemed to have shut off, but Sirius and James were still listening intently.
“I was six!” I exclaimed and Sirius laughed.
“Longest relationship?”
“Five weeks,” I answered taking a sip of my butter beer.
“Not bad, when was that?” Sirius asked tapping his fingers on the table.
“The summer just gone,”
“Before or after the purple hair?” James asked curiously.
“Before,”
“Worst breakup?” Sirius asked moving the conversation onwards.
“I think I win that one,” James commented looking slightly ashamed.
“The one this summer actually.”
“Intriguing, what happened?” James asked.
“That, I don’t want to talk about.” I answered flatly. “So, third year. Why do you think she turned you down the first time?”
“Err...” James said shrugging.
“Because, you plank, you’d just dumped her best friend!” Remus groaned. “Of course she wasn’t going to say yes! That’s the girl equivalent of murder!”
“Errr...” I said confused. “Not in my world,”
“Well, you’re hardly a girl are you?” Sirius commented converting back into his prat mode.
“Well, I’m more of a girl than you are a boy,”
“Too right, I’m all man.” He winked and I could help but smirk at that comment.
“Ta-wit ta-woo!” James said loudly looking between the two of us. I punched him. “How come when I public admitted I love Lily all I got was a slap in the face, when you,” He complained to Sirius, “You actually managed to get her to stop yelling!”
“I did not -” Sirius began.
“Actually, he may have a point.” I said putting my pen down and looking around the table at them. “If Lily thought you were over her, then maybe she wouldn’t hate you so much?” I suggestion.
“How would that work?” James asked sounding exhausted.
“Okay so... don’t pay her attention. Don’t try and tell her you’re in love with her. No poems. No songs. Don’t ignore her though, be... pleasant.”
“You do realise you’re talking to Prongs here?” Remus laughed.
“No, well I do now, Prongs?” I asked tilting my head at them in curiosity. Occasionally I’d heard them using their nicknames but I’d never really listened hard enough into their conversations and now seemed a good a time as any to start unravelling the mystery which was the Marauders.
“Silly nick name.” Was the reply I got from Sirius, who was now staring at the window boredly. Again I decided it was best not to bothering trying to comprehend them and instead picked Ria back up and pressed her tiny form against my chest.
She fit there so well.
Her warmth was so nice, and she was hot and sticky and new and lovely. New life. Innocent and beautiful. Wise and naive. So beautiful.
“So I have to be pleasant?” James asked warily. “What does that entail?”
“Just... I dunno, do I look like someone who regularly practices being pleasant? Maybe this is too big for a first step. Right. Here’s what we do: number one, you stop doing stupid things like nicking her stuff to prove a point; number two you stop trying to throw yourself at her and be so desperate and number three stop pulling pranks, hexing people and showing off... so much. Okay?”
I asked and James nodded enthusiastically.
“So you’ve got it?” I asked surprised – I had been expecting to waste several precious hours of my life on this task, it seemed to go to be true really; that he had grabbed the concept so –
“No.” He said cutting through my thoughts. “Haven’t got a clue.”
I knew that was too good to be true...
**********
“You just don’t!” I exclaimed, I was gradually losing my patience with him as they other marauders looked on and laughed at my pitiful attempts at explaining my points.
“But why not?!?” James asked looking up at me with pure confusion fixed onto his face.
“Because!”
“That’s not a reason!” James said slamming his fists on the table.
“Your face isn’t a reason!”
“Now come on Mary, let’s keep this Mature.” Sirius put in helpfully (note the sarcasm).
“I don’t understand how you don’t understand!” I said, ignoring Sirius and instead focusing all my energy on James – goodness knows he was going to need it. “I only said you should just be polite and ask Lily how she was next time you saw her!” I said glancing down at Ria in the pushchair.
“But whhhhhyyyy????” James asked his forehead furrowed in frustration. “What’s wrong with just asking her to go out with me? That way she knows I’m interested!”
“FOR MERLIN’S SAKE!” I yelled slamming my fists down on the wooden table and gaining the attention of half the population of Hogwarts (who were all crammed into the little pub) for the second time today.
“Pete,” Remus said turning towards him. “You owe me three galleons.” I was thoroughly confused as the four of them began swapping coins across the table. Gradually the other occupants of the pub lost interest (apart from several rather giggly Hufflepuffs who had probably been staring the whole time) and I was still utterly confused as to why the table had turned into a bank.
“Erm... This may sound really stupid, but what the hell?” I asked searching their faces for something that would make the bizarre situation make some sort of sense. They all just smirked at me like some sort of freaky family or a trained circus act.
Actually, that would explain so many things...
“You look like you’ve had an epiphany,” Remus told me.
“Sounds about right.” I answered imagining them all dressed up in clown outfits while doing stunning acrobatics in really tight Lycra costumes...
“Sorry what did you say?” I asked when I zoned back into the conversation and found that they were all looking me expectantly.
“I asked you what Lycra had to do with anything.” James asked and I felt a hot blush rising to my cheeks... oops.
“I was err... just thinking about P.E. on Wednesday.” I recovered, taking a large gulp of butter beer so none of them would notice that I blushing and lying.
What? Come on. You can’t honestly say that you have never imagined a Marauder (or two or four...) in Lycra doing acrobatics! It’s a known fact that every girl goes through a stage of fancying a Marauder – it’s all part of growing up – and even once they’ve moved past that stage it is hard to deny that they are, for want of a better phrase, bloody gorgeous. It was more to do with their mannerisms and confidence than they’re actual looks, though those weren’t bad, they’re just hot. Simple as.
Sirius shot me a wink and I struggled not to spit my mouthful of butter beer all over the table. I didn’t need to give anyone another reason to make fun of me.
“So what’s with the money exchange?” I asked once I had gained reasonable composure. It was all that could be expected from me anyway.
“Bet.” Peter answered and I briefly noticed he seemed less awkward today, and then I brushed it aside.
“On how long it would take to make you lose it.” Remus explained further.
“James bet the shortest time, so he was trying to wind you up,” Sirius continued.
“And Remus bet the longest time, and therefore won because you’ve lasted a full twenty minutes without yelling!” James announced and they all broke into an over enthusiastic round of applause. This of course again gained the attention of everyone in the pub and I was so tempted to stand up and bow, but I instead settled for nodding graciously to them.
“To Mary! The first woman to pee standing up!” Sirius bellowed and I swear I could have killed him. Every female in the pub looked positively disgusted where as all the males began clapping along with the Marauders.
“Mary McDonald, would you like to say a few words?” James roared over the noise. No. No I would not.
I stood up deciding whatever happened I would be publically humiliated and began to speak, addressing the whole pub as I spoke into my fork as a substitute microphone. “I’d like to thank my brother and my father for introducing me to the concept of peeing standing up who, unfortunately, cannot be present at today’s ceremony. Then I would like thank my dear friend, Sirius Black and his gay partners James Potter and Remus Lupin! Finally I would like to thank Peter Pettigrew for teaching me how aiming isn’t really important! And the Marauders as a whole for persuading me that washing your hands is not a necessity! A round of applause!” I hollered so everyone would listen.
“Didn’t know you had it in you,” James grinned.
“Mary, could I talk to you for a second?” Lily’s voice asked and I turned around shocked and sat down immediately. I didn’t notice the reaction of the pub customers or the Marauders as I was so intent on finding out why Lily was here. What happened with her meeting with Snape?
“Aren’t you supposed to be -?”
“At the library.” She cut across obviously scared I was going to reveal she had gone to meet Snape. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked again and I could tell she was uncomfortable beyond belief. “In the toilets?” She suggested and I nodded standing up and following her. There was something about her manner that told me something had happened, and I wanted to know what.
“What happened?” I hissed as soon as we were out of earshot. She glanced around furtively before replying to my question in a voice which held much more panic than it had done previously.
“I did something really stupid!” She exclaimed in a whisper, pushing open the door of the girl’s toilets and looking at me in a panic. “I don’t know what came over me! I just! One minute we were talking and the next...” I grabbed her shoulders and shook them.
“What the hell happened??!?!?” I asked and she shook her head in a mixture of shame, shock and disbelief.
“I...I...I kissed him.” She replied eventually.
My mouth dropped off the rest of my skull and hit the bathroom floor with a resounding crack. My eyes were as wide as saucers and I’m sure I may have had a minor heart attack in that moment.
“WHAT?!?” I squealed in a very girl like fashion which is normally completely alien to me.
“Shush!” She whispered putting a finger over her lips. “I don’t want the world to know! Actually no, I don’t want anyone to know!” she said wringing her hands and shuffling around nervously.
“Do you fancy him?” I asked still utterly stunned. I had always assumed that no one could possibly fancy Snape because he was judgemental and well... unattractive. I had found it hard to understand Lily’s reasoning about being friends with him but I had accepted it because it was her choice. This however was amazingly hard to believe.
“Not really...” She said biting her lip. “Well, I’m not physically attracted to him,” She continued. “I mean, I don’t find him attractive.” Good job too, nice to know those green eyes worked. Well, that was a tad harsh... “But I love spending time with him, he’s my best friend!” She explained, almost pleading me to agree with her. “I don’t know why I did it! It was just this sudden rush of thoughts and then my heart starting beating at a million times per minute and I kissed him!”
“What did he do?” I asked utterly enthralled by the story.
“He kissed me back.” She said looking down at the floor. “For, like, a second. Then I pushed him off, stared at him, and ran off.”
“I think your turning into me,” I told her seriously and she half smiled but began shuffling around on her feet again. “What was the kiss like?”
“Just a kiss,” She said, now biting her nails nervously. “It was just... I don’t know. It was over in like half a second!”
I was still completely shocked by this revelation and so could barely think to put my next question into words and before I could Lily began rambling again in the way I’d become so accustomed to last year.
“But you know, it doesn’t mean anything! I mean... I just needed to get it out of my system, yeah? I just needed to know what it felt like and then -”
“And then what?” I asked interrupting her, she’d ramble on for ages otherwise, but the door of the girl’s toilets began to open. Three fifth years walked in and barely notice us as they all entered a cubicle and began gossiping.
“Hey Sarah,” One began from the far end. “You know Lily Evans?” she asked and Lily stiffened beside me.
“The ginger one?”
“Yeah, well, apparently she agreed to date James!”
“That’s rubbish. He’d never ask her out!”
“Whatever,” The third one said who had stayed silence thus far. “You heard about Mary McDonald and Sirius? Well, he announced that he used to love her when she was a nobody, before she went weird, then they agreed to be friends in the middle of hogsmeade!”
Beside me Lily was fuming.
“Come on, what a load of crap! As if that would ever... oh my god! He didn’t!” She exclaimed in hush tones at the look on my face. “Wow.” She said simply. “I think, we need a girly chat later,” She said still whispering.
“Tomorrow.” I told her wearily. “I don’t think I could deal with any more drama today.” She nodded slightly and resumed biting her nails nervously, I hoped for their sake, she’d start to feel a little better soon. Our girly chats had become somewhat of a tradition between in us in previous years but lately I just hadn’t had the appetite for that sort of mundane thing. I needed to get back to it, I decided, because back then I wasn’t moping so much and I wasn’t so moody which was good considering my time was running out and fast.
“Mary, where’s Ria?”
“Shit!” I exclaimed realising I had left her alone with the Marauders. She was sure to be scared for life. I swear I’m the worst person ever – I forgot my own sister. Half sister.
Crap.
I’d been so intent on discovering what was wrong with Lily that Ria had completely left my thoughts and now I felt more than terrible. People get locked up in Azkaban for that sort of thing!
We both went flying back out of the toilets and across the pub to find we need not have worried. Sirius now had Ria on his lap and he was playing some form of peek a boo game with her, which she appeared to love.
“Hello Lily. How are you?” James asked politely.
I let out a breath of relief and satisfaction as I realised he had actually listened to me.
*******
“Come on you guys, I don’t need all of you to come with me!”I protested as they all followed me back to the hospital wing with grins on their faces.
“We’ve never met your family,” Lily grinned. She seemed to have cheered up and even spent several hours with the Marauder’s and me without killing anyone. James hadn’t asked her out, and she hadn’t yelled at him just yet which was weird. Still, they all insisted on coming with me to give Ria back. Primarily because they’d all fallen in love with her.
She had that effect on people it seemed.
They’d passed her around all afternoon and given her more attention than anybody’s ever received in a life time condensed into three hours of doting.
I didn’t like it. I hated the way Ria made everyone love her and I just knew they’d all be entranced by Karen too and I’d be left standing on the side looking like a complete idiot.
“Please don’t come!” I begged and they all shook their heads as we walked onwards.
Sirius seemed to be the only one remotely on my side, given he was the one who met them earlier and had a better idea of why I didn’t want them to go there.
“Come on guys, listen to the lady!” Sirius said and the others just raised their eyebrows at him.
“Practice what you preach mate,” Remus said clapping him on the back (with surprising force).
“Or you could all just fuck off?” I suggested only to be ignored.
I could hear them long before I could see them. My face twisted into a grimace as I heard Becky’s voice – twisted and shrill – yelling at a ridiculously high decibel. What I couldn’t hear was who she was yelling at which made me even more concerned.
“What the hell is that noise?” Pete asked which was only to be followed by an awkward moment because really, it was obvious.
Now Dad’s voice joined in, only he didn’t sound mad, but more comforting.
Becky yelled back.
Dad sounded angrier.
Becky yelled again.
Now they were both yelling and yelling so much so that everyone waking past stopped to wonder what was going on (not that many people were walking past) and Ria started crying.
“Hush,” I whispered too her softly, extracting her from Lily’s arms as she began to cry. “It’s okay, shush.”
The others, who were still following me towards the noise, said nothing. They knew now it was too late to turn around and say, no thanks, we’ll go to dinner. Instead they all looked uncomfortable and as if they were wishing they’d listened to me in the first place.
Then we were at the hospital wing and I thought my ears were about to explode.
“I thought I was doing what was best!” Karen’s voice claimed as my eyes fixed on Becky, still deathly thin, with tears falling down her white skin in cascades of heartbreaking hysteria. Dad it seemed wasn’t angry at just Becky; no he was angry with Karen too.
“No! No!” Becky was now sobbing and I could see her mobile phone clutched in her hands. I knew it would no longer be working here, but she was desperately trying to make it work as the tears slid down her face.
“Mary!” Johnny cried, and I saw him looking just as scared as he ran up to me. “Make them stop!”
“Maybe you should have asked before doing stupid things!” Dad yelled and Karen cowered backwards.
“Mary!” Johnny pleaded and Ria cried in my arms.
The other’s stood silently behind me taking in the scene in utter shock.
“Mary!” Johnny whimpered, but my eyes were still fixed on the scene.
Becky was clutching her stomach and crying more than I’d ever seen her do. Dad was yelling, really yelling, at Karen who was completely out of her depth.
“How could you be so stupid? You didn’t know what it was like! When she wasn’t eating!” He bellowed.
“SHUT UP!” I screamed finally and dad and Karen finally notice that I was here, with company.
“Mary.” Dad said sounding relieved, I was shocked, I’d never expect to hear that tone in his voice when seeing me.
“What the fuck happened?” I asked angrily, he didn’t even reprimand me for my language and instead looked angrily at Karen.
“She told him!” Becky wailed speaking up. “She told him about the abortion!”
Him meant Becky’s boyfriend. That meant she was now alone just when she was getting bad again. That meant if Becky relapsed it was all Karen’s fault. That meant that Dad would be heartbroken. That meant Dad would be even more alone when it was my turn to go.
Oh fuck.
*********
I looked in the mirror warily. I hadn’t expected the day to be so good and so bad at the same time. I hadn’t expected the others to not say a thing to make me feel worse about what they’d just witnessed. I hadn’t expected that to happen. I hadn’t expected Sirius to admit he used to love me. I hadn’t expected Lily to snog Snape. I hadn’t expected to enjoy the day in all those between times as much as I had...
I hadn’t expected the day to turn out like this.
Still, I thought as I climbed into the shower, wiping a few stray tears from my cheeks, things were definitely changing. And fast.
And I had no idea what to make of that.
A/N - Soo... Is being civil going to last? Is Becky going to be okay? How's that girly chat going to go? Will they past Quiggle's test? Is Rachel coping with heartbreak? Who is the guy she dated for five weeks? How long has Mary got left to live?
ALL THIS AND MORE COMMING SOON :D
Please review guys, cause otherwise I can't get better! + reviews make me reallly happy and inspired :D
I’d snuck into Mummy’s old study again. Nobody came in here anymore. Mummy was gone and the room was left untouched so I snuck in and sat under the magic desk where none of them could find me. I didn’t want them near me. I hugged my knees in tight and pulled out a packet of sweets from the magic draw and stuck one, with my thumb, into my mouth. I was crying. I wanted Mummy.
She had a special softness which would wrap me up in silk and flowing materials which was slippery against my skin as he smelt her perfume and her warm which wasn’t half as nice of Daddy’s but still lovely.
I wanted her.
My little eyes widened as the door swung open and Dad collapsed into Mummy’s seat in sobs. Weight was put on the desk and I imagined he had his elbows placed on the wooden surface as he cried. He wasn’t sobbing loudly, but crying silently, the only difference was that his breathing was quicker and I wouldn’t have noticed at all under the magic desk if I wasn’t so use to that breathing – quick and painful – from all those nights I crawled into Mummy’s place in her bed and tried to smell that sent. It was fading with every day.
Dad hadn’t cried so hard in the past few months and it scared me. His tears were bubbling over and I could tell there was something more wrong than the few tears he shed last night – this time they were flooding down in waterfalls which I could tell, even without looking at him because I associated that sound with the first week. The first week had been the worst. The second had killed me. The third Johnny started asking for mummy. The forth Becky had lost more weight and stopped going to the special hospital. Then it had gone uphill from there.
Until now.
I wanted very much to climb out for under Mummy’s desk and wrap my arms around Daddy’s neck, but it was harder to do with every passing week and out friendship was drifting away. Plus this was my secret spot and I didn’t want anyone there. I didn’t want anyone to find me, not that any of them had tried to look for me in the hours I spent hidden under the wood, but I felt safe here. No deaths were going to creep up on me under the desk – they couldn’t! Here Mummy’s scent was the strongest and here it was silent so I could remember her in peace and cry without breaking Daddy’s heart even more.
Then the door opened again and someone else came in. I didn’t recognise their footsteps or their breathing because the second person wasn’t crying.
“What’s wrong?” the voice asked and it was old and weary. Grandpa. I didn’t like Grandpa much he was old and crinkly and insisted on giving me old smelling hugs and calling me a ‘poor poor baby’. I’m not poor: I have lots of money - Mummy left me some. I told Grandpa this at the funeral and he smiled wryly and gave me another crinkly hug.
Mummy’s gone – that’s what wrong Grandpa.
“Becky,” Dad chocked out and my eyes widened and my ears pricked up as I tried to listen for this new information. “She’s not been good, since...” He trailed off.
“Since Sandra passed away.” Grandpa put in.
Dad’s tears picked up pace. Silly Grandpa!
“She’s in the hospital.” Dad said and for a second of stupid hope I thought he meant Mummy. I thought Mummy was well and any second she’d get back from the hospital and she’d stick her head down and yell at me for being in her special room – I wouldn’t care. She could yell all she liked and I’d sneak into her room every night and make her wrap her arms tight around me while she slept. The boys at school would call me a baby, and so would Mummy and Becky, but I wouldn’t care because I’d be lulled to sleep by her delicious smell every day. Then she’d smile at me and take me up in her arms and tell me I’m the richest girl alive and no one could tell me any different.
“Becky,” Dad continued, and my thoughts stopped in their tracks. Becky. Becky!
“She’s going to be okay,” Grandpa told him.
“She tried to kill herself Dad!” Dad told him and I froze under the desk.
Becky.
I woke up with my eyelids sandwiched together with a mixture of make-up, skin and tears which meant I had to wrench them open on Sunday morning. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling and I almost felt ashamed of all the tears I had shed last night in loud shaking sobs which were sure to keep everyone in the dorm awake and annoyed. Only I had vaguely recognised that I was not the only one crying and I could have sworn there were three other sets of tears, muffled by their curtains, filling the dormitory. Rachel, Alice and Lily were the solutions I came up with as I pulled the warmth of my covers closer around me.
My pillow was covered in mascara. Black smudges showed up how I had spent a considerable amount of last night in sobs: pathetic. I pulled my covers around my closer as I realised it was Sunday and I didn’t have to get up at all.
For once the memory had started way before I fell asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday. Karen telling Becky’s boyfriend about the abortion. Becky crying and crying over her newfound singledom. Dad yelling at Karen about just how much we’d suffered before. Johnny begging me to make it stop. The other standing still as statues behind me. It was like a nightmare.
The tears were returning now as I tried to forget the second time. The second time she had tried to do herself in – when I had been the first to see – when I was the one to call 999 because my sister had taken too many pills, which I had counted, when I got back from school. Dad was working late. Johnny was at a friend’s house. She’d got better since then, she’d been good, happy even. University suited her amazingly well – as did the boyfriend (Pete? Or was it Daniel?) but she seemed to have lapsed back into the Becky I knew from years ago and I positively hated it. As much as I complained about her, Becky was apart of my life that I couldn’t change, she was my sister.
I dragged myself out of my covers – I wasn’t going to waste my time tucked up in bed when I should be living. I should be living for mum not wasting my life away with complaining.
Plus I was too angry to be sad anymore. I was angry that I was stuck with this crappy lot when everyone else in the world got better than I did. I could bet there wasn’t another person in this school who was half-orphaned, had a suicidal sister, an evil step-mum, has x amount of time left to live (I’m still betting it’s a year and a half, so I just won’t be able to finish Hogwarts) and who seems to be the subject to a million negative rumours and unwanted attention.
I needed a shower, I decided standing up and wiping the few tears that were still present on my cheeks away and walking towards the bathroom. I hated crying all night; it always meant your eyes felt so strange the next day. There was a rim of pain around them which reminded you you’d cried yourself to sleep and I didn’t need to think about that all day, really. It made your eyes puffy and achy for the rest of the day and if you recognised the signs you could tell.
All the others were still in bed and now my thoughts were clearer I could be almost certain that I was not the only one to be crying last night. Still, that wasn’t particularly important at the moment I had bigger things to worry about.
Surely Becky wouldn’t try a third time? She’d been in the mental hospital for a while, and she’d even gone down to green light! (Red light meant gaining a bed in the ward at a weeks notice, orange meant two to three weeks, and green meant waiting an infinite amount of time – it was the way they prioritised it so no lives were lost, if they got it right at least...). The point being – she was well! She was fine! She’d lost a bit of weight surely, but her weight tended to fluctuate and sure she thought she was fat, but when hadn’t she?
No. I decided as I climbed into the shower. She wouldn’t do that again. It had been because she lost mum, hard for anyone to deal with, let alone someone like Becky! She’d get over it this time. She had Dad, she had Karen, She had Johnny and Ria. And she had me.
But what would happen when she didn’t have me?
No. I told myself, shaking my head as the water flowed down. Becky was just fine; it was just a bad week. She was fine.
Problem number 2 – the others all witnessed that. It made me a selfish cow that I was worrying over that when Becky, my sister (sort of), had much bigger problems but it still made me so uncomfortable to know that they knew a little more about me than I’d ever planned on them doing. If I kept myself to myself, no one could judge me and tell me I was wrong, because I knew I was.
I needed to talk to Nate. That’s what I needed to do. I hadn’t spoken a word to him yesterday which made me edgy. After the... encounter with my family we’d gone to dinner and acted like nothing was wrong. Lily complimented my hair. We joked about the weather and then when I’d seen Nate coming towards me, presumably to talk, I had bolted and ran up to the common room to avoid talking about it (rumour fuel?). Now I needed to talk about it, and Nate was the person to see.
I forced a smile onto my face and got out the shower. Ten minutes later, I was ready.
The others were still asleep as I walked out the door and down the stairs working myself up to seeing Nate and begin talking to him : even talking to Nate was difficult about some things, and even he didn’t know me that well, just better than everyone else. So I wasn’t really concentrating on the common room, not that I expected anyone to be down there at seven in the morning, when I realised that there was.
Two people in fact.
Occupying themselves on the sofa.
Hands and arms, legs and feet, hair, skin and lips everywhere as my eyes widened in horror. The worst thing however was the sounds – a symphony of groans and moans that I just didn’t want to hear!
“I didn’t pay for free porn!” I exclaimed shielding my eyes. The girl squealed and sat upwards, grabbing her clothes (I assumed) as I kept my eyes welded shut. It was like seven in the morning on a Sunday? I was actually quite disgusted. Sure I wasn’t exactly a religious believer but still I’d never do it in a common room (emphasis on common) at an ungodly hour on a Sunday morning! It’s just not right!
“Next time, use a broom cupboard!” I exclaimed looking away and walking towards the portrait hole just wanting to get away from this weird and embarrassing scene. I was at the door when I realised I recognised who at least one of the people were.
“SIRIUS!” I exclaimed whirling around.
“Oh fuck.” Was his reply which of course made me madder: I remembered him yelling yesterday, making me feel sorry for him. Making me give him sympathy. Messing with my emotions and then... then he turned on the charm! That moment we had gotten along! The prick! He was just messing with my mind!
Sure I hadn’t slept with him, and I sure wasn’t going to! But that didn’t mean he hadn’t betrayed me. Yesterday we’d acted like friends, we had been civil! It was all purely because I thought I had actually got under his skin and found something worth salvaging.
Of course it had been lies! This was Sirius–bloody–Back! The womanising arrogant git. For a day – nearly 24 hours of life I had thought there may be more to his exterior but now it was as clear as crystal. To him this was all a game. Messing with my mind so I was his friend, then he could screw me over like everyone else in the world. He had said he used to love me!
Love me!
HA!
He didn’t know who I was! He never spoke to me! The only time we really came into contact was that damn party! Sure that old Mary was quiet, she was nicer than me I expected, but he didn’t know her. When I was her, I still had that other me, this me, talking at me like a small voice telling me to do something wild. Live a little.
Now the voices had swapped round. Now the main voice was the wild, crazy, scary one where as the other voice in the back of head was the nice one.
The bastard.
I didn’t say anything – much to his surprise – and instead gave him the dirtiest look I could possible managed and slammed the portrait door behind me.
To anyone walking by I may have looked like a normal Gryffindor girl walking down the corridor but inside my whole spectrum had shifted to a crimson red and I was doing all I could to stop myself shaking.
Why me?
Why was I the one who had to die?
Why was it me who had all these problems?
Why did everyone think it was okay to screw me over?
No one answered.
Shocker.
*
Ten minutes later I burst into the hospital wing fuming with rage to find that, for once, there was no one else there. Except Miss Evil-Bitch-Quigley who was currently lip-locked with Nate.
Fucking brilliant.
The door slammed behind me as I walked directly to my file on the other side of the room ignoring them completely. The anger was building in my heart and burning as if any second it would control me completely and I didn’t like. My skin seemed to be crawling with badly suppressed anger and I was sure I had never been so angry in my entire life. I wanted to punch Nate – to break his face with my fist and feel his pain as he cried out, because at least then I wasn’t feeling the pain. All sense of reason was rapidly vacating my frustrated brain and I could only pick out one sensible thought from the sea of angry ones.
I wanted answers.
“Hi Mary,” Nate said awkwardly, he could see my eyes were blazing with anger and questions but I only let my bitterness out in uncaring sarcasm before I blurted my real feelings out to everyone. Letting out more of my feelings was not what anyone needed.
“Surely that’s illegal,” I commented dryly riffling through the many sheets of paper in my file. “Snogging at work,” I explained further trying to ignore my shaking fingers as I shuffled through the sheets of paper which I treated as if each was the point of a sharp knife.
“There’s no one else here-”
“Correction, there was no one else here.” I interrupted not bothering to look around. I wasn’t just the customary pissed – I was full on angry. The main question was why? But others were also whirling around in a mist of confusion into my brain, like how? And that was one I could answer.
Things that I couldn’t answer also pissed me off. It limited my freedom, and really if I didn’t have any freedom, I might as well be dead.
“You’re not allowed to look through other people’s files,” Nate said softly and I could feel his presence draw closer.
“I’m looking through my own!” I said whirling back round angrily. I seemed to be spitting the words out instead of just snapping them, which he was accustomed too; he didn’t really seem to be able to cope with crazy mad Mary though, as displayed with his next comment...
“You could have just asked,” Now that is like telling an angry person to calm down – it merely makes them more likely to hit you or yell that ever comical line – I’M CALM.
“You looked preoccupied to me,” I retorted simply still trying to find a certain sheet of paper and getting angrier and angrier when it didn’t appear.
“Mary! Calm down!” Nate said right on cue.
“I’M FUCKING CALM!” I screamed despite of myself. “I’M CALM AND BLOODY COLLECTED!” I continued trying to make the scene a little less cliché. “In fact! I’m as a calm as a corpse!” I spat out and beside Nate Quiggles winced. Nate was used to me using the death thing to my advantage when in a bad mood – yeah I know, I’m a bitch. “Well, a corpse who quite fancied living for A FEW EXTRA DECADES!”
“What do you want?” He asked tiredly, knowing me well enough to know I wasn’t exactly in a cooperative mood. Well, most people could see that at as a glance as I was sure my eyes were glowing red with rage and I was spitting words out harshly. I wanted to keep all these things I was feeling in verbally at least. I had enough people knowing my bloody life story.
What do you want?
He shouldn’t have asked that question. What did I want?
“I want to not have to die!” I spat not bothering to identify the emotions in his eyes. “I want to have a nice normal family! I want to have friends who give a shit! I want not to have to worry all the damn time! I want to fit in! I want to be healthy! I want my mother to not be dead! I want to be able to magic! I want a break! I want everyone to stop talking about me! I want a flying motorbike! AND I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP SCREWING ME OVER!” I screamed and Nate’s eyes widened – he obviously hadn’t realised I was in such a bad way, probably because snogging Quiggels gives you brain damage or something stupid. “But I came here because I want to know when I’m going to FUCKING DIE!” I screamed, losing all control of my emotions. Again. “I want to know something because you’re not doing a fat load of good! I’M SHIT SCARED! AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M EFFING AFRAID OF AND I-”
“MARY!” Nate yelled over my voice. “If I knew I’d tell you! I need another day or two before-”
“Can you just fucking tell me something? Because all I know is its killing me and the name, and I can’t even fucking pronounce that!” I yelled, but not as loudly as the last time.
“Just chill out yeah?”
“DON’T TELL ME TO FUC-”
“MARY ANNA SUE MCDONALD!” Miss Quigley yelled. “I AM ORDERING YOU TO SHUT UP!”
I did so.
That woman can yell.
“Thank you Kate,” Nate said smiling at her. “Right,” He said pulling out a wad of papers from my file. “Right... Basic Ephaiyadaphia. It’s caused by a Mutation in the gametes at the very beginning of the Ephaiyadaic’s life. It’s hereditary and closely linked to magic-”
“Now I’m beginning to remember I never bothered to listen to this.” I sighed bitterly, sitting down on one of the spare beds. The dull talks of science and crap were bound to calm me down somewhat by boring me out of my senses but I shoved my hands in my pockets and squeezed my robes until my hands hurt just in case. I was sure if I looked my pale white skin would be stretched over the bones in a skeletal way which was so similar to Becky’s that another flash of rage pulsed through my brain like a shock wave. I blinked and tried to tune back into the dull answers to the questions I’d so desperately wanted the answers to – they weren’t the answers I wanted though.
“- It’s very rare if not in the history of your family, however once in the genes you only have about a 5% chance of not getting it. In that respect, your brother is very lucky.” He continued, ignoring me completely.
“Yeah, but he can’t do magic,”
“Yes, which is why he hasn’t got it, and we think it’s because your mother had so little magical power when he was conceived that he didn’t inherit magical ability, or ephaiyadaphia. Anyway, I know you couldn’t care less about science... There’s been a group at St Mungo’s working on a cure for about six years now and-”
“Cure?!?” I asked eagerly sitting straight up excitedly. All other angry thoughts crumbling away in insignificance for the hope. My heart was pounding in my chest as I dared to believe that the life I’d dreamed of could come true! That I could be saved from this thing that was killing me.
He shook his head sadly. “I have contact with them, and every time a breakthrough happens they owl me. Before this year I thought you might have a chance, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get your hopes up. The cure won’t be ready for another three years, and then it will be too late.” His eyes were full of pain this time and I could tell he’d genuinely believed that I could be saved.
I looked away feeling angry again. Why couldn’t I have been born a few years later? Why couldn’t the cure have worked faster? Why do I have the worst look in the history of the universe!? “As for symptoms...” Nate continued and my head turned to him in surprise.
“I thought there wasn’t any?”
“There are no early symptoms.” He corrected me pulling out a sheet. “Late symptoms are plentiful,”
“Why don’t I like the sound of this,” I said tiredly lying back on the bed and closing my eyes as he talked. The anger ebbed away nearly as soon as it had come and I was relieved that it had gone in a way. Then the other half of me wanted to cling on to it because it was a strong emotion at least. It made me feel alive and see everything in a warped clarity that, even so, was better than a fuzzy haze of confusion that that contentment seemed to bring.
“Depletion of magical skills, weakening of the body, loss of energy, sleeping for long periods of time, higher susceptibility to well... pretty much everything; colds, flu’s, mood swings, bugs, fever, viruses...” I groaned. “Also, premature menopause.”
“Are you freaking kidding?!?!?” I asked and he shook his head in reply.
“Increased fertility,”
“I doubt that will be a problem.” I said dryly – I couldn’t imagine me ever getting pregnant! Ha! Who would I get pregnant with for a start?
“Joints will be stiff and click a lot, heavy/painful periods, baldness,”
“You’re kidding about the baldness right? Please say you are!” I begged.
“Yeah, I was.” He said and I half-smiled at his feeble attempt to lighten the mood.
“Thank god, I think I’ve heard enough for one day.” I told him and he put my file back. “That’s shit. This whole illness is shit!” I exclaimed hugging in my arms. “I don’t want to become an old biddy over night!”
“Life gives you lemons -” Quiggles began.
“Squeeze them in Sirius Black’s face.” I finished.
“I’m pretty sure the original saying was make lemonade.” Nate commented but there was still sympathy behind his tones.
“Same difference.” I mumbled feeling worse by the minute and curling up into a ball.
“Yesterday,” Nate said sitting down on the edge of the bed I had curled up on.
“Yesterday.” I mumbled in agreement but suddenly my desire to talk and I was just tired.
“Are you okay? He asked and I shrugged into the covers knowing the answer was no. “The Abortion?”
“Bloody Karen.” I muttered angrily.
“Now come on, it wasn’t her fault...” Nate said playing with a strand of my hair as I pressed my face against the pillows.
I mumbled something incoherent in response and I didn’t hear his next question because I drifted off into sleep.
*
My body was heavy. Very heavy. Too heavy to pick out the images that danced before my eyes in the normal fashion. Instead I saw flashes of memories and words mixing together in confusion. I couldn’t move. It was as if someone had placed me into a vat of thick stick treacle and it was very hard to move – I didn’t much want to anyway.
I was free of the red shades that had tinted my vision when I had been awake and this world caused me considerably less pain. Reality was overrated anyways! This was better – like having dreamless sleep potion, but with fuzzy dreams.
Then my nice simple world was cut out by a soft voice hovering in the air. I couldn’t work out exactly what the entire sentence was. I just caught the words ‘letter’ ‘sister’ and ‘school’. They didn’t make much sense so I instead concentrated my efforts on staying in my world.
The world of Mary McDonald. Mmmmm....
Laughter – more a slight chuckle – caught my attention and I found my body protesting against the sleep as I forced my mind to stay in slumber. The laughter continued and I could hear the vibrations in the air because of it.
“A Non-uniform day? That’s crazy!” The voice said. The voice brought goose pimples out across my body and at all seemed to become alert and more awake.
No, let me sleep!
“It’s not crazy!” A female voice protested. “Wouldn’t you like to wear whatever you want some days?”
“It’s just a daft idea!” The voice said and I recognised the tone.
“I think a Non-uniform day is an excellent idea,” A third voice said and even in my nearly unconscious state I recognised that voice as Dumbledore’s. What was he doing here?
“I think a Muggle day, or a muggle week would be better,” My voice said although it was far away and took a lot of effort. I didn’t even remember thinking the words, and they made me feel exhausted.
“Mary!” The voice exclaimed brining the world back into clarity.
I opened my eyes.
“Sirius?” I asked confused looking at him in confusion. He couldn’t be the owner of the voice! It was impossible.
“You’re awake!” Nate’s voice said walking over. “No need to Panic, you’ve just been asleep for two whole days.”
“Oh, okay...” I said unsurely. This whole thing was confusing me, but most of all was the power of Sirius’s voice had on me when I was unconscious. Crazy.
Then all the things that I remember before falling into a deep sleep came creeping back and memories came into focus as I realised it was anger at Sirius that had brought me back.
Sirius. The lying bastard.
“So what was that you said yesterday – what about your heart? Huh Sirius? That you just wanted something real!?!” I said sugary sweet. Sirius’s gaze now looked nervous as he cast it downwards.
“Am I missing something?” Peter asked and I now notice he was here too, along with all the Marauders and Alice Longbottom.
“No, that’s Sirius. And that something just happens to be that heart he said he had. Ha!”
Sirius didn’t say anything but brought his gaze back up to mine.
“Haven’t got anything to say? Run out of lines? Disappointing. This game of yours isn’t much if you can’t spin any more lines. I’m waiting.”
The tension was evident in the room as Sirius seemed to be building up to speak.
“Mary I -”
“Because to be quite frank!” I exclaimed interrupting. “I highly doubt you’d find anything real up her top. Just a lump of well worn plastic!”
I could feel Lily fighting the urge to laugh, and I could see why. I was quite proud of that line.
“And what do you care?” Sirius asked standing up and crossing his arms. “You hate me, remember.” He said smirking.
“Naturally, I’m just disappointed that I didn’t see through those pathetic little lies you were spinning yesterday.”
“Actually, it was three days ago.” Peter said, everyone turned to look at him incredulously and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the kid. Not much though.
“Which brings me to my next point: why have I been asleep for two days?” I regretted asking as soon as I saw the nervous expression on Nate’s face. It was obvious. My condition...
“Because you haven’t been eating enough!” Nate exclaimed as everyone turned to look at him expectantly. It was a crap excuse and sure to cause me more bother, but the poor bloke had tried. “And stress, and exhaustion!” he put in; trying to recover the fact he had basically just told everyone present that I’m anorexic.
Which I’m really not.
Whatever.
“Can you guys piss off; I need to talk to Nate, and Dumbledore I guess?” I said questioningly and he nodded that annoying twinkling smile on his face. “That mean’s go.” I told them all and they stood up and left me with low muttered protests.
“So... Let me guess. I’m getting even worse!” I said to Nate and he nodded grimly. “Lucky me!” I exclaimed my voice dripping with dry sarcasm. “But how come I slept for so long.”
“Extremely strong burst of emotion.” Nate said pulling out a sheet of paper and giving it to me.
...Any extreme burst of emotion can cause long bursts of fatigue and lead to lingering periods of deep sleep... the stronger the emotion, the stronger the desire to sleep...
“So you were really angry huh?” Nate asked and I shrugged looking away from his penetrating gaze. Instead I was met by Dumbledore’s searching gaze.
“Miss McDonald, I am afraid to say I think I have failed you.” Dumbledore said unexpectedly sitting down. “As in, I have not offered you the support you most definitely need – I know you will say you are fine but I believe there is more I could have done to make your time at Hogwarts much more enjoyable for you.” His blue eyes were serious and not sparkling, but more showing a sort of shame.
“What do you -”
“This incident of raw emotion that you’ve experienced put you to sleep for two whole days and I believe it could have been prevented. I have talked to Mr Peacock here and he has told me much about your past which I didn’t know before...” I shot a betrayed looked to Nate who looked at the floor “.... and I think I should have given you more support during your time here. Therefore I propose instead of continuing with one of your lessons, which seems pointless anyway with your deteriorating ability, you instead talk to a councillor to help you through this time.”
“No.” I said flatly standing up. “Not a chance in hell.”
“Miss McDonald, I do insist that this would be so good for your-”
“No! I’m fine!” Dumbledore looked at me carefully and sighed.
“You will not be swayed – you are very stubborn.”
“And you’re very annoying and nosy, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” I said back to him, he chuckled.
“Okay Mary,” He said pulling something from a pocket in his cloak (magical pockets obviously). “Instead I ask you will accept this,” He said presenting me with a sink. I briefly wondered whether he’d known I would reject the councillor idea – it seemed he would know.
“Good party trick.” I said looking at the basin warily. “I mean, someone goes ‘what have you got in them pockets? Everything but the kitchen sinks?’ then you pull out this.” Dumbledore smiled again.
“Its not a Kitchen sink actually,”
“Good, because it would be pretty useless if it was.”
“It’s a pensive.” He said his eyes twinkling again.
“Oh! Obviously! How stupid of me!” I commented sarcastically. I didn’t have a clue what a pensive was! Dumbledore looked amused.
“Let me show you,” Dumbledore said reaching his wand up to his head and pulling out a shinning, glittering, beautiful substance from the skin and putting it into the sink. “Thoughts,” He explained further but I was still confused. “Mr Peacock said you’d been having memories in your dreams? Well this may help. I’ll leave you to work it out.” He said placing it down at he side of my bed.
I eyed the basin warily.
It still looked like a sink to me.
*
“Mary, you’re awake!” Quiggles said loudly as I walked into her classroom.
“No. I’m sleepwalking.” I retorted going to sit in my normal spot (next to Sirius).
“No your not!” Peter protested from his seat – his face scrunched up in confusion. It didn’t suit him at al.
“Wow, your brain cell sure is working overtime today!” I said clapping.
“Miss McDonald,” Quiggles said (I noted that she’d reverted back to being on second name terms). “You’re sitting here now. As I told you, due to your prank you are exempt from all practical work for the rest of the year.” Sirius shot me a smirk. “And because we have odd numbers, today Mr Black can sit out with you.” She said and I glowered at her.
Sirius scowled and moved to sit next to me, crossing his arms and shifting away on his seat.
“Found anything real yet Sirius?” I asked sardonically. “Because I’m sure not all the Ravenclaw’s have plastic boobs, maybe you should try there.”
“Shut it.” Sirius said glaring at me. “Your sister – she’s thin.” He said his voice softening slightly. “You’re not going to turn into her are you?” He asked and I remember Nate telling them all I didn’t eat, as a pathetic excuse to explain sleeping for two days straight. Damn him.
“No.” I said through gritted teeth.
“She’s too thin. You know that right? It’s not healthy? You don’t want to be like her do you?” He asked looking truly concerned with a touch of urgency hidden underneath.
“No more than I’d want to be you, or some form of slug.” I snapped back. “Now will you stop reminding me that my sisters anorexic! I remember enough as it is!”
“So she starves herself?” he asked his voice full of pity.
“That is none of your business.”
“Well, I thought you might want to talk?”
“If I did, the last person I’d go to would be you. I hate you if you don’t remember!”
“Oh yes. That’s right.” He said slamming his book on the table angrily.
“You may want to cool down those mood swings – I’m getting whiplash.”
“Funny.”
“That’s me.”
“Miss McDonald, Mr Black, now you’re both sitting together and conscious. Your tests, to see if you completed your assignment on Saturday – tonight at my office, seven.”
We both groaned.
*
Lunch was awkward. All the Marauders plus Alice were watching me wearily as I ate heartily. The others, who had all been convinced I didn’t eat just like Becky, were more than confused but I ignored them all. Sleeping for three days straight had been highly random and thrown me out of sorts for a bit. Anyway, I hadn’t eaten since Saturday and I’d barely eaten then due to the unfortunate experience with my family.
“This bacon is good,” I said cheerfully with everyone’s eyes on me. Of course even more rumours had started spreading round in my absence. Primarily because I had yelled how Sirius had ‘broken my heart’ in the middle of Hogsmeade – Nice one Mary.
I didn’t half do some dumb things sometimes.
Like trust Sirius Black.
“So guys, did you have fun when I was asleep?” I asked attempting to be cheerily. “Oh my gosh.” I said as my eyes caught to figures entering the great hall, all cheeriness evaporated. Rachel had dyed her hair a dark black almost purple shade. Her skin had suddenly become paler, I had a feeling it was something to do with magical foundation, and her lips had been tinted red. She looked like a vampire. “Is she..? Is that...? Was that....? Has she? She hasn’t? Because...? What the hell?” I asked as her eyes fixed on me and they began her way over (Charlotte walked with her, only Charlotte looked normal).
“Mary.” Rachel’s voice said her eyes fixed on me looking plain evil. Her voice was icy and cold and I fully expected her to hex me into next week (which wouldn’t be too hard – one decent spell) but instead she slapped me round the face. “Bitch.” Charlotte spat and they stood their waiting for me to defend myself.
“Why is your hair purple?” I asked resisting the urge to put my hand to where my face was stingy painfully. This seemed to be the wrong question to ask because Rachel let out a scream of fury and my eyes widened. “I was only asking! Take a chill pill!”
“YOU STOLE MY BOYFRIEND!” She screamed at the top of her voice, glaring down at me. As if everyone hadn’t been watching me anyway. Great.
“I thought you were worried about Amanda not me. What was it – Amanda is pretty, clever, popular, rich, good, sporty and single?”
Lily blushed, ashamed she hadn’t stuck up for me then.
The Marauder’s faces registered a mix of shock and pity at my words – I guess they’d thought we were all besties up there. The thought made me laugh.
“Precisely. There’s nothing great about you!” Rachel said her face twisting into rage.
I stood up at this point, my face fixing on hers and extending my height to just above her. “Well, at least I have a few more brain cells than you. Do you not have a memory? You know, when you screamed at me for having to go with him to Hogsmeade for HOMEWORK.”
Rachel’s lipped quivered, then tears were spilling down her cheeks and she ran from the great hall.
“I’m not even going to ask.” I said dryly shooting Sirius a dark look and standing up. “I’m going.”
“You haven’t finished your dinner?”
Damn Nathaniel Peacock.
“Do I look as though I care? And I want to write a letter to Dad, he might be worried. Actually, scratch that last bit. He might have gotten rid of Karen though.”
That shut them all up.
*
“Right you two, first you answer the questions for the other person. Then you’re going to answer the questions for yourself so they can be marked. If I think you’ve failed, you’re going to spend every evening together until you do. No talking.” Professor Quigley said sitting at the front of the classroom and giving me a paper.
I was too angry to do it properly it seemed.
What Is Sirius Black’s favourite colour? why?
How the hell was I supposed to know? I knew he preferred Black to White, but his favourite colour? Not a clue. And Why? I didn’t know why Purple was my favourite colour, let alone why Sirius’s favourite colour was his favourite colour.
Pink, because he’s feminine.
I wrote down after great concentration for a few minutes. I wasn’t going to come up with anything more likely than that.
Who is Sirius Black’s favourite family member? Why?
Bit of a personal question don’t you think? Not a clue though.
Himself, because he thinks he’s so great. He thinks he’s smoking Hot and looks in the mirror for hours every day.
I smirked as I re-read the words on the page. I might as well have fun with this!
What is Sirius Black’s favourite animal? Why?
Himself, because he has lots of cool animal like features. Like a snout, fur and horns.
What is Sirius Black’s favourite pastime? Why?
Looking in the mirror because he’s under the impression he’s actually attractive. HA!
It didn’t take long for me to finish the paper and not one had I known the answer too, still it had actually been quite amusing till the paper, once finished, flew to Professor’s Quigley’s desk and I realised I’d brought myself a one way ticket to detention for months. The second paper appeared in front of me and this one was identical only about me and I knew the only way we had a chance of passing this is if I could guess his responses to the questions about me, and him me. We were so screwed.
*
I went to bed as soon as I had completed the quiz because I was till tired, even after those days full of sleep. Still, I had rather hoped I would get a nice long refreshing slumber before I woke up slowly on that Wednesday morning.
I did sleep well, but the waking up slowly didn’t work quite so well.
“Rachel!” A voice said angrily. “Apparently I’m not a shower until you’ve had one!” Lily snapped and I realised she was in a bad mood for once. Plus we’d never had that girly chat! Sleeping for days was so inconvenient!
“I don’t care. I’m not getting up.” Rachel’s voice mumbled from under her sheets.
“I want a damn shower!”
“Piss off!” Rachel yelling pulling the sheets around her as I sat up. “It’s your new little friends fault!” I assumed she meant me here.
“No, it’s your own bloody fault.” I snapped standing up. “Now get up before I drag you out of bed!”
“No!” She protested gripping the sides of her bed.
“Fine, just lie in the same bed he fucked you and mope!” I exclaimed and Rachel shot up.
“ERRUGH!” She exclaimed and slammed the door of the bathroom behind her.
“They did it?” Alice asked mildly surprised. I nodded.
“And how the hell did you know?” Charlotte asked me angrily.
“Because I’m amazing like that. Girly chat tonight Lils?” She nodded glaring at the door.
“Yeah, we need to talk. How long is she going to take?” Lily asked angrily.
She get’s more like me everyday – poor girl.
**
“Yes but in P.E. you can just look at Quiggles.” James argued over the dinner table. The Marauders, who apparently sat with us now Rachel and Charlotte had gone weird, were having a debate about which lesson was the best. Lily wasn’t happy about the above comment, or sitting near James. To his Credit, James hadn’t actually asked her out yet, but he’d still ignored most of my advice.
“But you have to run,” Sirius countered.
“Quiggles!” James said raising his eyebrows. “She is one hot-”
“Black! McDonald!” Quigley’s voice rang out and James jumped, chucking his pumpkin juice down his white shirt which made it completely see through.
Not that anyone looked of course.
Sirius scowled at me, and James grinned as Lily’s eyes fixed on Quidditch defined chest.
Then I remembered Quigley was yelling at us for something or other... bummer.
“Your tests.” She said folding her arms over her chest. Oh... that. “You got 90%” She informed us and my eyes widened in shock. “But, I know full well that your answers weren’t real. “I refuse to believe that your favourite colour is pink, like you said, and that the reason behind was because you’re feminine,” She said to Sirius and I laughed, although I was the only one. “Or that your favourite animal is a pig, because you look like one,” She said to me and I smiled. “So tell me, did you cheat?” She asked her eyes blazing.
“No,” We both answered truthfully.
“Did you spend Saturday making up fake responses? Did you?”
“No Professor,”
“I don’t believe you,” She said looking at us sharply.
“Professor, it’s true,” James said, “We ran into them, and I had to talk to Marry about something so they couldn’t have made up all their answers, they were only alone for about an hour or two, they must have just made it up as to what they thought the other one would say, so it’s my fault really miss,” James said and I glanced over at Lily whose eyes widened in shock, James was willingly taking the blame for someone!?!?! (Good tip from me there....). Lily didn’t seem mad at him, and it helped that his shirt was sticking to his skin and showing off his semi –toned shoulders. I knew for a fact Sirius’s muscles were better – but I wasn’t complaining.
“Mr Potter, you were there when I told them they had to spend the day alone together, and why didn’t you protest?” She asked us.
“Because I was yelling about how Marry and Sirius fancied each other, and that I wouldn’t stop until she came and helped me, with...erm... potions,” James piped up and Mrs Quigley looked at him her eyes calculating.
“Okay, Potter, detention with me tomorrow, Black and McDonald, you will re-sit the test and spend every evening this week together,” She said a smile forming on her face, “and I will know if you don’t,”
I grimaced.
“Mary,” Nate said waking over to where I sat. “I need to talk to you. 6.30 Tonight.” He told me and I nodded, dread building in my stomach.
*
“Tomorrow,” I told Lily when she inquired about our girly chat. I wasn’t in the mood for it anymore. I was worried, pissed, confused and all together mixed up.
It’s not a good mix.
“Just one question?” She had asked the curiosity burning behind her green eyes. “It wont kill you,” She said looking at my concerned expression.
“One question and I’m allowed not to answer.”
“Sure,” Lily said waving that afar. “Don’t get scared here, well I was talking about you to Sirius and he was telling me about what you guys were talking about before I got there – don’t give me that look, we were worried about you! You were unconscious. Anyway then Sirius asked what happened in your worst breakup, I said it was James and he should know but he said it was someone different, from the holidays.”
“Oh right.” I said dryly. “No comment.”
“I haven’t asked the question yet!” Lily proclaimed. “Was he the trigger that made you dye your hair purple?” She asked looking at me careful from her bed. I was lying on mine in a similar fashion to Lily. I bit my lip as I prepared to answer.
“He was... part of it.” I said finally. “Amongst other things.”
“Such as?”
“How about you trying to live with my family for six weeks and see how anything looks appealing.”
“Oh. About that -”
“I’m late.” I cut across her and leaving the dorm as quick as I could.
I didn’t want to talk about it. All day they’d all made little hints that I could talk to them if I wanted to, but I didn’t much. I just wanted them all to but out. I didn’t like them all being so quizzical. I don’t want to give answers; I’d rather dish out the questions my self.
*
“Hi,” I said softly to Nate as I sat down and presented my arm to him so he could take a blood sample. Instead he sat down on a bed next door to me and surveyed me with a look of complete seriousness, concern and sadness. That looked scared me.
It was that look you got a funerals when you were related to the person in the coffin: that oh aren’t you a poor poor child look, the I understand how you’re feeling look. That look parents gave you before they told you that your sister was back in a mental hospital that: I know you don’t understand look, that I wish I didn’t have to tell you this look. That look teachers gave you when they knew just what was going on at home: that you’re coping so well look, that you can talk to me look.
I despised that look.
“The others are worried.” Nate said looking at me carefully. “They all came and asked me if you were okay several billion times since last Saturday.”
“Why did the ask you?” I asked folding my arms and expecting the bad news blows to come hitting me at any moment.
“Because they know we talk,” Nate said looking confused at my question.
“Yeah that’s what they think we do,” I muttered darkly under my breath.
“What was that?” Nate asked and my head snapped up. If Nate was clueless about those rumours I wasn’t about to go explaining them to him!
“Nothing.” I said hurriedly, too hurriedly. He eyed me with suspicion.
“But we do talk, why would they think anything different?”
I blushed red and shrugged.
“Mary!” Nate said warning me to tell him or else, he seemed to have pushed aside the reasons behind the look all too quickly which made me even more nervous about what he had to say. Did I want to here this news? Or endure the conversation in which I’d tell Nate that everyone thought we were shagging?
“It’s such a lovely day don’t you think. I’ve got to meet Sirius soon, maybe I should go now-“
“I know for a fact that you have at least half an hour before that. What do people think Mary?”
“They think that...” I trailed of blushing red and really not wanting to say. I could see he wasn’t going to let it rest though. “You know!” I said waving my arms about.
“No I don’t."
“They think that we’re like... erughh, they think that we’re sort of... ermm... Basically everyone thinks that we’re more than friends. As in they think we’re shagging!” I exclaimed when he still didn’t seem to get it. Nate’s eyes widened immensely and he stood up very quickly.
“It is a lovely day.” Nate continued picking up my conversation. I glanced outside and saw that the sky was a grey white colour and there was no sun to be seen – lovely.
“So the other’s are worried about me?” I asked at exactly the same time as Nate’s attempt at a conversation.
“Yes. Because of what they saw on Saturday.”
“I’m fine.” I spat wondering if this was what the look was about. It seemed unlikely however. “So I told them to wait for you to bring it up yourself as you don’t like being interrogated much.”
“Fascinating.”
“You know how worried they were though Maz, please talk to them about it tomorrow. Or at least Sirius, he won’t leave me alone.”
“Tosser.”
“Seriously Mary! He does actually care, you know.”
“Because it was his fault that a slept through several days!”
“Well, he didn’t ask for you to get that mad did he?” Nate asked knowingly.
“What are you putting off saying?” I asked and Nate paled and a new look of dread slid onto his face.
He bit his lip. Shifted his hands around and stood up to walk over to the rack where the folders were stored.
“Okay,” He began but his voice was shaky and uneven.
“You have my results?!” I asked suddenly eager. Then I realised just what that I entailed.
I would know how long I had left to live.
I wasn’t sure if that piece of knowledge would be a good or bad thing, but that depended on the length of time written on that sheet of paper. I was still counting on a year and half and I was almost positive that it would be written down on that sheet of paper.
A year and a half isn’t bad! I could have a baby in that time, not that I plan on doing that, or anything that could get me pregnant either. I could meet some guy, fall in love, get married, whatever! There was a lot of time in a year and half – 18 months! (don’t ask me how many weeks there are, I don’t know.)
A year though... that wouldn’t be so great. It seems much shorter than a year and a half.
Still I was excited. I knew I shouldn’t be due to the look still plastered across Nate’s face but then you couldn’t exactly be grinning when giving someone their dramatically shortened life expectancy but I was absolutely positive that I was going to take this brilliantly.
I’d read the time, divide it up into ten periods of time and write ten things I wanted to do in my life (or something equally as stupid and cliché) then make grand plans. Transform into a nice person. Do charity work. Go to church. I’d become a saint all because the Lord God almighty gave me another year and a half to live and I was blessed so to have that much time!
See, I had It all planned out. I just had to get a year and a half.
A fifth year girl came into the hospital wing with a nose bleed and Nate sighed with relief and put the folder down.
I grabbed he folder from the side feeling giddier than I had been when opening my exam results because this was more important than that. There was hardly a trace of doubt in me now, I was completely certain that I would still have a year and a half to live. I was prepared to swear my life away if it wasn’t a year and a half! I was sure that it was!
I tore open the envelope and read the words that were going to affect me for the rest of my life. A lump of disappointment rose in my throat as I realised I didn’t have any life to swear away anymore.
Five months to live.
A/N - GUYS I LOVE YoU! I JUST GOT BACK AND FOUDN ALL YOUR REVIEWS :D You're so amazing, all of you, and please keep the reviews comming! I'm going to rush this so I can answer all thoes reviews. Going away next week, so Ithe next wait might be quite long too (just returned from a two week holiday, that's why this chapter took a while to get up). Have lots written though, so waheyy! anyway, much love PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING :D
"Baby I can see your halo,
You know you're my saving grace,"
Halo - Beyonce
I could feel my heart beating quickly in my chest as I stood up slowly then ran out of hospital wing as fast as I could.
“MARY!” Nate called out after me but I sprinted on away from his voice. I ran down a corridor and turned left without really thinking where I was going. I just wanted to get away, so I ran and ran and turned and only stop when my legs gave way from under me and sent me to the floor.
My pulse was going haywire but I didn’t care. I pulled my arms in tight around me and sank to the floor. I had goose bumps up all my arms and I was shaking.
Five months.
Five months.
That’s only twenty weeks. Twenty weeks
150 days. That’s all. That’s my forever.
My forever stops in five months. In five months I’ll just be a distant memory. In five months I won’t be able to cry. In five months I won’t be able to fix any of it. In five months it will all be over.
The tears were flowing down my face stupidly and I tried to push them away knowing it was useless to waste time like this, but I couldn’t stop. I’d always known I was going to die before every other person my age. I always knew I’d have nothing in common with them because I was going to die years and years before them.
A year – how precious that would seem now. Years? What a strange concept.
Things were going to go on without me. I’d never be able to comfort Becky, I’d never be able to help Johnny, I’d never see Lily and James get together I’d never see any of them: not Remus or Alice, Charlotte or Rachel, Pete or Nate. Sirius...
How blessed they were. How unthankful they were for there full lives. Decades and Decade’s they’d live.
I was only just going to make it to seventeen – they’d make it well past seventy.
Seventy years, what an amazing long period of time! How could I even imagine a period of time that long? I’d never have anything like that to compare it with. My lifetime times and times over? But it would be different.
Knowledge and growth and love and happiness.
That’s what I’d be missing.
Love.
Children.
Marriage.
I wanted it all, I wanted all that time, all those opportunities but all I get is five months. Five months.
Twenty weeks
A hundred and fifty days.
Getting less with every moment.
I pulled in my arms tighter as the tears cascaded down in a waterfall of despair. I pulled myself further into the shadows of the corridor as someone walked past laughing with their friends. They were grinning and laughing and talking. I regretted the move soon after when I realised my back was now resting on a clock.
Tick.
Another second gone.
Tock.
There goes another.
Tick.
Never getting it back.
Tock.
Gone.
Tick – bloody – tock. Tick – bloody – tock.
I couldn’t take it. I stood up shakily and ran.
My whole body was aching with the grief and shock that was flowing around me as my legs pumped and worked against the floor to push me forward. In five months I won’t be able to move at all.
Five bloody months.
**********
“You’re late.” Sirius snapped when I walked into the room that we had agreed to make in.
“Sorry, I was talking to Nate.” I said softly still trying to hold back any emotion that was threatening to escape. Sirius needed any less than anyone to see me cry and breakdown in front of him; he already knew far too much about the excessive amount of emotion I tended to feel.
“Yeah, like he’d make you late for something that his fiancé would make you do.”
“Oh shut it.” I snapped back. I hadn’t been to see Nate, I’d merely wondered around the corridors and tried to get away from the clocks constantly reminding me of them time and making me doubt myself, I failed miserably – Hogwarts has a lot of clocks.
“So you and Nate had a nice ‘talk’?” Sirius asked harshly and I made sure I didn’t catch his eye.
“Lovely thanks.” I spat back.
“Quiggles didn’t walk in on you two did she?”
“Ha ha ha. You’re so funny.” I mocked sarcastically.
“Aww, Mary. Didn’t know you did compliments. I’d compliment you, but my Mummy taught me not to lie.”
I found tears building up in my eyes at the word Mummy – I was way overemotional for my own good.
“Mary! Oh Merlin Mary I didn’t mean to -”
“It doesn’t matter!” I snapped pushing the tears from my cheeks annoyed at myself for showing such raw emotion. Again I didn’t want them thinking they knew me, because they didn’t know me! Every time I let another thing slip they seemed to push themselves a little closer. I didn’t want them close.
It made me feel even worse for not telling them what was going on.
“Come on Mary, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing!” I snapped.
“Mary! Why won’t you just let me help you?” Sirius asked and before I answered another wave of tears came up and I was sobbing hysterically on Sirius’s shoulder. He was surprisingly comfortable and put his arm around me. My head ended up on his chest and I practically ended up sitting on him and crying. There was something about males which always means they are slightly warmer than you and perfect to cuddle up to. Muscles and masculinity were just the thing you needed when you felt down – you always felt protected and secure and warm and loved and...
After five months I’d never feel that way again.
“Shush,” He said pulling me closer as I cried. I felt really stupid but oddly comforted at the same time. Hearing his heartbeat made me feel more alive and less alive. He had his strong hot arm pressing me against him in a friendly type fashion. Flesh against flesh in a comforting human way that just made sense – another thing I was going to miss so terribly.
The tears were shaking my whole body as I clutched on to the material of Sirius’s T-shirt to keep me from slipping away, now more than ever I was scared of that. I’d lost so much; I didn’t want to lose my life too. I pulled my face even closer to his chest just to hear the steady beat of his heart through his skin which made me feel oddly comforted, almost as if I was listening to my own heart, and I could be only sure I wasn’t dead yet if it kept beating. Dum-dum it beat against the walls of his chest and I found I was crying even more onto soaking, mascara stained his T-shirt.
“I’m fine!” I protested as he made soothing circles on my back in an almost brotherly fashion (although that thought sort of creeped me out).
“Sure,” Sirius said, seeming to agree just to make me feel better for some reason or another. It made my head spin faster and more tears slid down my face. I pulled myself closer and pressed my forehead against his chest and cried and cried. He was warm.
I didn’t feel freer because of crying. It didn’t make me feel better in the slightest. I just needed to cry. I needed to cry until every ounce of moisture in my body was gone. Then I would just sob without tears until I fell asleep in Sirius’s arms. Then I’d yell at him and cry some more.
It was inevitable.
The door creaked open, as the doors of old disused classrooms tended to do when opened, and Professor Quigley peaked through the door.
Her eyes widened slightly seeing two students she’d forced to spend time together locked in some sort of tight embrace as one sobbed hysterically.
“I was just coming to check you were both okay...” She trailed off. “Mary, Nate’s worried and -”
I shook my head and buried my head back into Sirius and continued crying.
“I don’t think she wants to talk to Nate.” Sirius told her sharply and Quiggles took her cue to leave.
Then I cried a bit more.
********************************
The man I saw before me was old. His face was crinkled and withered like a walnut, except it had a very pink colour like artificial sweets – as if he’d been out in the sun too long. He also had prickly white hair growing from his chin, under his nose, and all around his eyebrows and I decided that when he wasn’t sticking needles into my arms he grew the hair longer and pretended to be Father Christmas.
Not like a nice Father Christmas. More like a Father Christmas who was actually a robber and only dressed up as Father Christmas to get into people’s houses.
Nice Father Christmas would never stick needles into my arm.
“We’re all done here.” The man croaked sending any hopes of him being able to have a career as Father Christmas out the window. I could smell smoke on his breath and it was less than pleasant – the same smell that Becky reeked off when she arrived home every night. I hated it. It always came along with the smell of vomit, sweat and alcohol.
“Okay.” I said softly standing up and walking back towards the waiting room.
“No. You need to go that way.” He croaked again, he sounded as if he was on the way out, like grandpa had before he died.
“Sorry,” I apologised and followed the direction his fat finger pointed me too.
I knocked on the door twice before sitting down on the chair next to the door. My feet dangled several centimetres off the ground.
I could hear them talking about me.
“Such a lovely quite girl,” one voice said sadly.
“Such a poor poor girl,” A second said in the voice which always accompanied the look; the one ever present at funerals.
I found myself smirking internally – if they could hear my thoughts.
The healers didn’t seem to think I understood what was going on yet. They thought I was too young; too quite to be able to hear those stupid comments.
“It’s a shame.”
“I poor poor shame.”
“The little darling!”
Dad walked through the ward to sit next to me outside to office and I knew he could hear too. He was worried – his forehead was creased up into wrinkles and he could barely look at me.
“You okay?” Dad asked me and I looked at his eyes trying to recognised the way he’d been before but saw none of it left.
“Hardly.” I answered back.
“What’s wrong?” He asked urgently.
“Well, I’m dying aren’t I!” I exclaimed as the door opened and the two nurses filed out, looking shocked that I already knew my fate. “I’m going to die.” I said. “And soon.”
I jumped out of my bed immediately and grabbed Dumbledore’s pensive from where I had shoved it under the bed hurriedly. The others were all still in bed so I grabbed my normally useless wand from the bedside table and pulled out that memory.
Then I pulled out another.
And another.
All the memories of mum. All the memories of Becky. All the memories of Karen. All the memories of hospitals. All the memories that made me feel ashamed and foolish. All the memories of Sirius. All of the memories of Lily.
The basin was full.
Now what?
It was a weird sensation, it wasn’t like I’d forgotten the memories, because I couldn’t forget all of them, but it was more like I didn’t have to think of them as much and I could probably understand them with more clarity if I stuck my head into them like Nate had explained. I didn’t want to think about them though. So it was a stupid gift.
I was about to shove it back under my bed when I found that there were also a great many glasses and bottles shoved under there with a label in perfect hand writing.
Thought you might need these.
I sighed and poured the silvery substance into the bottles until there was none left and shoved them all back under my bed.
I could deal with that another time.
***********
I sat down at breakfast at the far end of the table on my own. Afterwards I realised it would have been better if I’d sat in a group of people because that would probably have more affect on keeping the others away from me.
The last few days they’d eyed me with great concern. It was reasonable of course: I’d almost stopped talking completely; I avoided them all; I didn’t talk to Nate and I tried to look downwards when I could – I didn’t want to reveal anything through my eyes; I didn’t want them to know about any of it.
Of course they all wrongly suspected that the cause of my upset was the incident that happened last Saturday when they all saw my family’s argument – they don’t know my family was always like that. It was a good at excuse at any rate, but I felt they thought I was weak because of it.
I was dealing well if you asked me, considering I’d just found out I had five months to live, I hadn’t done anything too terrible.
Still, today was the day they were going to corner me and talk about it. I was sure of it. It was week after the events and before now they’d been trying to let me bring it up myself, but it was obvious that I was trying to avoid this conversation at all costs and Gryffindor’s aren’t known for being patient (bravery and patience tend not to go along to well – the only person I can think of who is both is Dumbledore, and he probably wasn’t patient when he was a teenager).
“Mary!” James said brightly sitting down next to me and grinning. Sirius slid into the seat next to mine on the other side and he looked exhausted rather than bright and cheerful.
“Morning,” Lily said taking the seat opposite till all the Marauders plus Lily were gathered around me in a way that meant no escapes for me. Damn it.
“Hi.” I said quietly.
“How are you?” James bellowed and Lily shot him a reproachful glance. His grin faded and he looked down at his empty plate. He’d been trying desperately to get Lily on his side since the first ‘lesson’ I’d given him, and I thought he was doing well. Lily still hadn’t even noticed although for some reason we end up hanging around the Marauders a lot – I think maybe she likes him more than she lets on.
“Good, it’s a lovely morning.” I said forcing a smile back on to my face.
“If you like rain.” Remus added in.
“Well I do.” I said sincerely.
“The rain is cold.” Sirius said in a flat tone of voice.
“The rain is refreshing.” I countered.
“The rain is wet.”
“The rain means things can live.” I snapped back as his eyes flashed angrily for no reason.
“The rain means other things die!”
“The rain stops droughts!” I yelled at him across the table. Somehow this odd conversation had turned into a proper argument and I was indignant about him refusing to even listen to what I was saying. Sirius had that ability to get a reaction from be by doing nothing, almost like Lily and James only completely different at the same time.
“The rain causes floods!”
“The rain IS A VITAL PART OF THE WATER CYCLE!” I screamed far too loudly. Sirius’s face was angry for a second, then broke out into a grin at the pettiness of it. Then I grinned too – my first proper smile of the day.
“Bloody hell, you guys just got weirder.” Peter said with his eyes wide open. My expression turned back to stony and emotionless as I filled my plate with grub and began slowly eating my breakfast. That small break in being forced to deal with all the emotional pressure pushing down on me had been a rare occurrence recently – I had a lot on my plate. And not just in the metaphorical sense.
The others were still convinced I had an eating disorder (due to the fact I was dying and had lots of symptoms already, their belief that I didn’t eat had increased tenfold) and so at every meal someone proclaimed that these were the best sausages they’d ever ate! And I simply had to try them! It helped that I was losing weight because of Ephaiyadaphia so it was easy enough to believe. I played along slightly because it was an excellent excuse but also brought way to much focus onto me which was dangerous. It was also sort of insulting my sister majorly...
“Gosh, aren’t you hungry Mary?” Lily said right on queue. “It’s just the day for a fry up!”
“Then why are you eating toast?” I asked sweetly. She didn’t answer.
Sirius grinned at me and I found myself grinning back.
“Mary, we wanted to talk to you.” Alice said defiantly and I was mildly shocked. Alice was the last person I’d expect to start this inevitably awkward conversation. She didn’t strike me as the brave type to take the first step forward but I guess that she had to be in Gryffindor for a reason. Maybe, if given the chance, she’d be braver than all of us.
I could see that now actually. You had to be brave to be the nice quiet one in a group of bitches – no offence to the others intended here.
“About Saturday.” Remus added in – again not who I’d classify as the bravest person... there must be something though?
I always figured there were those who were brave because of a situation or those who were just brave. Take Sirius – it was obvious to me now that he was brave because of a situation he had been stuck in and he’d dared to get out of it. He’d changed and done something really brave which resulted in him being an outcast. James, however, had the perfect life and was just brave to the point of stupidity – in the best way possible.
It’s more complicated than that though.
Rachel and Charlotte were probably a mixture of both – I didn’t really know so a mix was easier to guess. They didn’t seem to be brave really, but maybe they’d never had the chance to prove themselves.
I was brave because of a situation. As was Pete and Remus I assumed.
Lily was brave because she was brave, which had helped her through some difficult situations.
Alice was both of them completely I couldn’t help decide as I studied her eyes. She was full of potential bravery ready to fly out...
Intriguing.
“Are you okay?” Alice finished her blue eyes full of concern. It briefly crossed my mind how perfect Alice and Remus would be as a couple together but as I had to give a satisfactory answer, probably in a lot of pointless detail, I had to use most of my concentration towards that. The other option was to have them following me around like lost puppies until I thought of an answer that would satisfy them – that didn’t seem all that appealing to me.
“I’m fine.” I replied flatly – not quite the answer I’d intended to give.
Part of me wanted to tell them that I was used to it, part of me wanted to tell them that it wasn’t that bad as arguments go and part of me wanted to tell them the truth – that no matter how many times we argued it always hurt like someone had pulled out my stomach and twisted it into a giant knot of pain.
Instead all I’d managed was I’m fine.
“Honestly Mary, you’re not and we’re worried.” Lily said and I couldn’t really believe her words. They’d seemed a lot less bothered about me before Saturday and I didn’t want them to be my friends. Especially not the Marauders. Especially not Sirius. “What’s happened with your sister?”
“You saw didn’t you?” I replied dryly wondering how Alice came to be here in the first place. Now that I thought about it, she hadn’t even been their on Saturday! So they’d been talking about it behind my back to other people. Brilliant. “Well at least some of you did.” I added looking pointedly at Alice who flushed pink.
“We were there, but it didn’t make much sense.”
“Thank God.” I sighed with relief. At least they didn’t really understand what that had been about, it was so much easier to just pass it off as a family argument. I could say Becky was just naturally thin and actually ate loads! I could say –
“All we know is that your sister had an abortion. And your step mum told someone something.” Lily said looking up at me for an explanation. Oh. Well fuck.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said standing up angrily at this newfound information. “I don’t want to talk about it, and especially not with you lot!” I exclaimed.
Lily looked hurt, as did the Marauders, but Sirius and Alice seemed to have expected that reaction.
“Hasn’t it maybe crossed your mind that if I wanted to tell you, I could have done. If I wanted you to know me, you would do! That if I thought I could trust you, I would have bloody trusted you? No? Well no wonder you’re not in Ravenclaw!” I slammed down my knife and fork and sauntered out the Great hall fuming.
*****************
“You’re not going to make any friends like that.” Sirius said as he walked up to where I stood in the centre of the corridor. I had retreated to my own company at break time to avoid all of them, but somehow (I reckon stalking was involved) Sirius had found me and thought it was necessary to talk to me (It wasn’t).
“Ever thought I don’t want any friends?” I said icily. It was a lie of course; I wanted friends a lot but it was just so hard to make yourself utterly dependant on someone when everyone you’ve trusted has let you down. It sounds stupid, but it’s just so hard for me to trust people.
“Ever though you might need a few friends, when it all get’s too much.”
“What are they supposed to do to cheer me up? Throw me a surprise party? Ha.” I scoffed at him.
“Or maybe just be there for you! I know that underneath that exterior of yours there’s a hell of a lot going on. Maybe, just maybe, if you let it out you could actually be a normal person.”
“What are you trying to insinuate?” I glared.
“That you’re psychopathic mood swings do everyone’s head in!”
“You have friends, well supposedly, and you still have psychopathic mood swings, and you still do everyone’s head in!”
“Well, maybe I have bigger problems than you!”
“Well maybe you’re talking absolute shit and my problems could make yours look like a barrel of laughs!”
“Ha! You’re problems? That your family argues a bit - Big deal!”
“My adopted sister’s anorexic!”
“My brother’s a death eater!”
“My mother’s dead!”
“My father beat me up because I said that Lily was clever!”
“My sister has self harmed since she was five!”
“My mother threatened to kill me!”
“Karen told Becky’s boyfriend about the abortion she had in secret. He dumped her and Becky’s tried to kill herself twice before and I’m terrified that she’ll do it again because she’s loosing weight again really fast. She hasn’t been this bad since mum died and she stopped seeing her doctor. Last time it was me who found her and called the ambulance but now her boyfriends dumped her she’s living on her own and there’s no one to take care of her and make sure she’s not dead!” I practically yelled and Sirius put his arms around my and hugged me tightly.
“I thought that might be it,” He said quietly.
“You thought my sister might be suicidal?”
“I thought your sister looked really ill, and I could see why you were worried. What I don’t know, is why you just didn’t say?” He asked his voice soft.
Tears were prickling at the edges of my eyes again and I didn’t want to cry again. So many tears I’d cried, and what for?
“Because it’s too damn hard.”
“You told me,”
“That’s different!”
“How?” He asked looking at me curiously.
“I haven’t figured that out yet.” I said folding my arms over my chest. “Who were you with when I walked in on you, on Sunday?” I asked and the emotions displayed on his face changed entirely. He looked downwards and if I hadn’t known Sirius was too cool for it, I think he might have flushed.
“Now why did you have to bring that up?” He asked annoyed. “We were getting on just fine!”
“Because, I want to know how much of an arse you are! And it’s completely relevant! I’ve just told you something that I’ve NEVER said out loud to anyone when I know full well I can’t trust you!” I said poking him in the chest. “Because I know you’re a dick who talks complete crap! Now who the hell were you doing?”
“You don’t want to know!”
“Yes, I do! It doesn’t take a Hufflepuff to know that if someone asks you something, they might want an answer!”
“But you’ll hate me for it!” Sirius protested, trying not to look at my eyes.
“Well then, you shouldn’t have fucking done it!” I glared at him angrily. “Charlotte? Alice? Lily?”
“Merlin no!” Sirius protested. “I couldn’t do that to James!”
“Let’s not pretend you have morals. A 7th year? A 5th year?”
“No she was a 6th year.” He said looking downwards again.
“How can she have been? You just said that – NO! RACHEL?!?!?!” he looked away guiltily proving that I was completely right. To say I was disgusted was to put it mild. Rachel, who he dumped so cruelly hours before – no wonder she was so pissed!
“Piss off Black.” I said shooting him a dirty look before walking away.
********
“Guys,” I said softly no longer feeling angry with them like they expected me to be. I was tired of being angry; being angry all the time. It hurt and it was pointless and it was horrible. I couldn’t be angry for the rest of my life- it was such a waste. “I’m sorry,” I said addressing it to all of them, even Sirius although my brain protested to that one, “Sorry for snapping at you at breakfast. I didn’t mean it.”
They all looked kind of confused about my apology – probably because I usually acted like a stuck up bitch and now my behaviour seemed to at least resemble trying to be nice.
Sirius caught my eye and seemed to know that his words had affected more than I had let on and he was glad of it. I guess everyone gets to the point where they can’t take anymore and things start spilling out till before they know the whole world knows exactly who they are and why they are who they are. In the books I’ve read this normally woks out well, but it’s always a bit more questionable in real life situations. More uncertain and less predictable because there’s nothing to say you’ll end up with a happy ending.
“So what do you want to know?” I asked my voice shaking immensely as I spoke. I didn’t want to say any of it for the second time, Sirius had a greater knowledge when it came to sensitive topics than I’d expected, but I didn’t think the others would surprise me in the same way. Anyway, I knew I’d end up blubbing immensely and that wasn’t something any of us wanted really.
“What was the yelling about?” James asked slowly and I sighed looking downwards to my plate.
“Maybe it’s best if I start from the beginning. Becky has problems – mental problems. She has the chemical missing in her brain which means she’s always going to be depressive and down all the time. She has to fight that side of her brain every moment of every day just to keep herself from slipping – it’s not her fault. It because of something her birth mother did when she was pregnant – I don’t know all of it – they never told me. She was bullied at school, badly. All the time there were people picking on her and bringing her further into despair. She was a perfectionist and didn’t help herself by expecting too much. The one time we talked about it she said she started self harming when she was three, but I don’t know if that’s true. You shouldn’t believe everything that she says. All I know is that when I was about six she stopped eating and got really really bad. Mum and Dad started sending her to a clinic once a week but it didn’t seem to help. She was thin – really thin – and I remember her yelling and yelling about how fat she was. I’d tell her she wasn’t and she’d explode at me. Mum would tell me to go to my room and leave her alone because I wasn’t going any good. They were always yelling and I hated her. I hated her for messing my childhood up and ruining everything. It was her fault mum and dad were arguing! It was her fault everything was going wrong!” I took a deep steadying breath realising how much more I’d told them than I’d intended too. “Then mum died.” I said softly this time. “She got so bad. She fainted on the top of the stairs one day and got admitted into the hospital. She was better. She went to university, she got a boyfriend; she was fighting it and doing well!”
“And then?”
“Then she got pregnant. Can you imagine your worst nightmare coming true? Because that’s what it was. When you’re pregnant you balloon outwards! You have a baby sticking out of your stomach. She was terrified of being fat! So she got rid of it before her boyfriend could object. She didn’t tell him about it because she couldn’t stand the thought of being fat. Then at some point she stopped eating again – I don’t know when. Then Karen... Karen the bitch told her boyfriend! She told her bloody boyfriend that she had an abortion behind her back! He wasn’t supposed to know!” I took another deep breath. “Of course he was majorly pissed and dumped her, which is just what she needed!”
Then I couldn’t speak anymore and several arms were thrown around me and pulled me in a few million directions.
“God Mary I’m sorry,” Lily’s voice came from somewhere. James, Remus and Peter’s arms were also wrapped around me and I found the tears coming down my cheeks as they held me close. I opened my eyes and saw that Sirius hadn’t moved but was looking at me with a look of pride.
He was proud of me for speaking which he knew was one of my worst nightmares. I found myself smiling despite of myself and I pushed them off.
“Gosh guys! Enough with the PDA!” I said in a feeble attempt of a joke.
“That Karen was bang out of order!” Pete exclaimed and I smiled at him.
“Poor Becky,”
“I blame the boyfriend!”
I smiled round at them all finding a new set of tears coming up to my eyes at how they were all trying to comfort me so bad. This wasn’t so bad – maybe I should just tell them all of it! I’d left out a few key details (like me dying, the reasons behind mum dying, and Becky’s suicide attempts).
I shuddered at the thought. They knew enough right?
“You guys are great.” I said softly realising that they’d managed to get under my skin and really become my friends in only a week.
“Oh we know,” James grinned throwing an arm around my. “We’re awesome.”
Lily gave him a dark look, and he slumped back and began messing up his hair.
“Aww Jamie, I think you’re awesome!” I said scuffing up his hair for him.
“See Lily, someone wants me!” James proclaimed.
“So bad it hurts,” I said sarcastically. Then I winked at him. He smirked back.
Sirius, across the table, scowled.
“The post.” Remus said and I noticed that he was sporting a red blush across his cheeks. Hmmm...
I looked upwards to see that a few owls were indeed making their way into the hall. The evening post was always smaller than the morning post and most of the time it went unnoticed. However, this time there was an owl heading in our direction; as in my direction.
“Hey Dirt.” I said to the brown owl that landed on the table. My brother had named the owl to match up with the name of my owl – mud. The name originated from a saying that Grandma Janet (Dad’s mum) used far too often. I’d just brought my owl and Grandma was over at our house for dinner and said, as per usual, ‘If you get any droppings on the carpet, your name will be mud!’ I’d grinned and said ‘did you hear that Mr Owl, your name will be mud.’ Of course he got droppings on the carpet, and from then own he was known as mud.
It was weird I guess, but we’re a weird family. I pulled the parchment off Dirts’s claws and he flew off straight away as instructed. “Who’s betting for bad news?” I asked biting my lip. I pulled it open slowly and was strangely reassured by my dad’s clear handwriting on the parchment.
The black on cream and soft font seemed to be awfully reassuring to me now. It reminded me of Dad and it was almost like a written down hug from him.
Hey Mary,
Becky’s doing okay. We miss you back here and we’ve decided to come and visit you more often. The thing I’m writing about, however, is that we’ve got some really good news. Karen’s three months pregnant – Sorry if this comes as a shock to you, we weren’t exactly planning it ourselves.
Dad xx
“Oh god.” I said quietly. I didn’t know what to think about this new piece of drama that was being laid onto me. Three months? Plus five months. That’s eight months.
I’d never even see this baby. My heart sank.
“What’s wrong? You look as if you’ve been punched in the face.”
“Pretty much.” I muttered. “Karen, she’s pregnant. Again.” I said and the other’s eyes widened. They obviously didn’t know how I’d react to this news so they all stayed silent for a moment; waiting to see whether I’d take it well or badly. “Are we betting for a mini Johnny or a mini Ria?” I asked my face breaking out into a smile.
At least I knew life would carry on without me – it wouldn’t just stop. They’d be new things, and old things, and change and other people would be happy. It wouldn’t be an end: just an end for me.
I’d miss so much, but everyone else would live and be happy so maybe that was okay. Maybe it was okay that I’d miss it all – at least it would carry on.
“A mini Ria.” Sirius said definitely. “I have a feeling about this!”
“I’ll tell them,” I said turning over the piece of parchment.
Dad, Karen and co.
That’s great! Sirius bets it will be an even minier Ria. Is Becky really okay? Looking forward to your visits.
Lots of love
Mary
I stuffed the note in my pocket and stood up. “I should go tell Nate.” I told them and left the great hall a little happier than I had been before. Whether it was because of the chat I’d had with them or because of the news that Karen was pregnant I didn’t know.
Neither of them should have really made me happy.
************
“So Lily, back to last Saturday.” I grinned sitting on my bed with a massive bar of chocolate in my hands. Lily’s version of a girly chat involved lots of chocolate. It was good.
“Oh god no. I try not to think about it!”
“What happened?” Alice asked eagerly.
“No, no, no! I don’t want to say it out loud – it makes me cringe!”
“Tell, tell, tell!” Alice exclaimed.
“Fine! I kissed Snape!”
“OH MY GOD!” Alice yelled then clapped a hand over her mouth as if it was a sin for her to make that much noise. “You...you...you’re kidding me!” She stuttered.
“I wish I was!” Lily said sighing. “Just, he is, no was, my best friend! Then I just had this sudden rush of feelings and I was confused. So I kissed him.” Alice’s eyes widened a lot. “I love him because he’s my best friend – but I’m not in love with him. For a moment I wasn’t sure but I think I’ve got it out of my system.”
“You ever been in love then?” Alice asked.
“Nope,” Lily said sounding disappointed.
“Nope.” I replied cheerfully.
The other two scoffed. “Pull the other one!” Lily exclaimed.
“Keep telling yourself that Mary!”
“I have not!”
“Pfft.”
“Two words: Sirius Black.” Alice said.
“Two words: sex god.” Lily put in.
“Two words: hot stuff.” Alice added in.
“Two words: bladdy gorgeous!”
“Two words: fuck off!” I put in. “No way. Hell no. Eww eww and don’t make me sick!”
“Whatever!” Lily said grabbing a piece of chocolate off the tray that was flying around. “Live in denial. I don’t care.”
“So, Alice, have you ever been in love?” I asked ignoring Lily completely. She blushed. “YOU HAVE!” I announced.
“Who? Who? Who?” Lily asked then without waiting for an answer. “Mike Longbottom???” Lily asked excitedly. Alice made a face. “Sirius? James? PROFFESOR DUMBLEDORE??”
“NO!” Alice protested half indignant half laughing.
“Remus?” I asked raising an eyebrow. Alice blushed.
“OH MY GOD!” Lily shrieked. Did I mention Lily gets over excited about this type of thing? Well she does. “Remus Lupin?!?!”
“Erm... yeah.” Alice said going back to being practically silent.
“Tell us all!” Lily and I said together. Alice turned scarlet.
“We dated.” She said softly. “It was a big secret because Peter fancied me, and they have this rule not to let a girl come between them. No dating girls two or more Marauders like? Yeah? So we didn’t tell anyone.”
“How long?”
“Five months.” It briefly crossed my mind that I’d never date anyone for a whole five months. That was the entirety of my life span now.
“OH MY -”
“Lily! Please, my eardrums are only just recovering from the last shriek!”
“Spoil sport.” Lily stuck her tongue out.
“So we were meeting up every night -”
“Oh err.”
“ – Shush! Stop interrupting. It was the only time we could see each other. So we were meeting up whenever we could and we were really close. Really really close. I’ve never felt like that before! Never! Then when Pete had a new girlfriend I asked if we could go public. He went mad and yelled and said we never should have dated. He said he loved me but regretted that we’d ever started it and left. He was ashamed of dating someone like me.”
“No he wasn’t!” we both claimed shaking our heads. “There must have been another reason Alice, maybe he was scared the Marauders were just going to chuck him out or something!”
Our words did nothing to help Alice however. She looked so sad in a quite way – like she’d given up and wasn’t going to make a fuss. It was heartbreaking.
“The question is how your date with Mike Longbottom was?” I asked in an attempt to get that part of this conversation over, she obviously didn’t want to think about it, and I can empathise with that. Alice smiled seemingly more comfortable with that topic than the topic of Remus Lupin.
“It was okay. He’s a bit full of himself you know?” She said and both of us nodded. We were used to arrogant boys.
“Next question!” Lily announced. “Mary, who was the guy you dated for five weeks in the summer??”
“Charlie Malone.” I said wearily.
“Tell us -”
“Okay okay! I’d got back from fifth year and I was still all loved up on Sirius. I was heartbroken and I needed to get out the house so I started spending a while in the park. Then there was this group of guys. The first day the looked at me and they were laughing. They made me feel really crap. Still next day I went out to the park and they all came over and introduced themselves to me.” The other two were hooked on to my story as much as we had been to Alice’s story, much to my horror. “Then after about a week of spending time with them at the park this one guy – Charlie Malone – asked me out. I didn’t fancy him all that much, but he was good looking and made me feel good about myself. He was a real gentleman for all five weeks, even calling me every day when we were on holiday, the only thing was he was always pushing me a bit further than I wanted to go. I didn’t particularly like him but I became attached because he was nice to me.”
“Yeah,” Lily and Alice said in agreement.
“Then the last week of the holidays we had an argument. In which I found out a lot of things I didn’t want to know and some unwelcome truths.”
“Like what?”
“It had been a bet. To see if they could get me to sleep with him by the end of the summer before I went back to the ‘mental school.’ He told me I was boring and revolting and he’d never have been interested in me – he said a lot of stuff. I was mad. I went out and brought some muggle hair dye straight away and dyed my hair.
“The bastard.” Lily said shaking her head.
“It’s fine – I didn’t like him! It just pissed me off.”
“I’m not surprised!”
I smiled at them.
*******
I walked up to the gargoyles guarding Dumbledore’s office carefully – they had always scared me somewhat - the way their stone eyes actually followed you around the room. They glared at me as approached because they didn’t like me. I’d done my best to blast them to pieces on several occasions to no avail.
“Tongue twister toffee,” I said and the stone statues moved apart reluctantly. I smirked at them. “Ha!” I said under my breath as the one on the right, who I called Bob, started hissing at me. “Nothing you can do about it sister,” I said sticking my tongue out at him. He hissed a little more. “No use hissing like a sissy,” I taunted and he growled at me bearing his teeth.
Then the other one snapped from behind me. I jumped forwards and ran through to the beginning of the stairs – I’d sworn to my self last time that I wouldn’t tease them again. One day they might actually kill me.
The beginnings of our disagreement was when after first getting a letter from Dumbledore telling me to come to his office and his letter had said ‘I like exploding liquorish Catherine wheels’ I took it completely the wrong way and snuck into hogsmead and brought him some – feeling annoyed about it naturally, why should I buy him some sweets?. Then I had arrived at the gargoyles utterly confused and the two statues had laughed at the sweet packet poking out of my pocket. I’d finally got it but I was unpleased by being teased and taunted by two lumps of stone.
Dumbledore had enjoyed the sweets anyway. So did I. So they didn’t really have to make fun of me, did they?
“Bloody rock.” I muttered now feeling indignant that they’d made me jump once again. I could almost see them grinning behind me. “Arrogant stuff.”
“Indeed.” Dumbledore said chucking from half way up the stairs. “I would assume you would like to talk to me?”
“Yes.” I nodded and Dumbledore turned and began going the opposite way up the stairs with me. “I have a request.” I said simply following him into his office. Over the years I’d been here quite a few times to discuss the future but it was rare for me to come voluntarily. “I have some toffee,” I said pulling out a packet from my pocket and presenting it to the headmaster. “Just in case you were about to go for dinner or something.”
Dumbledore chuckled. “Bit late for dinner is it not Miss McDonald? Bribery?”
“More a thank you – for the penseive and the bottles.”
“Ah, okay,” Dumbledore said sitting down in his chair behind his desk – I took the seat in front of it and folded my hands in imitation of him. His eyes glittered in amusement. “So Miss McDonald, what can I owe the pleasure to your presence?” I bit my lip carefully not sure how to say it.
“I would like to request a day off school.” I said.
“I assume you’re not suffering from overwork and instead have somewhere you would like to go instead?”
“Yes.” I said blinking once to make sure I could go through with it. Still half unsure myself. “I want to go home, to visit my mother’s grave.” I said looking downwards.
Dumbledore’s eyes glistened with grief for a moment, but it was gone so quickly I thought I’d imagined it. He had sympathy for me sure, but grief is something entirely different.
Grief was regret - wishing it was you instead - missing someone so terrible that every particle of your body screamed in pain and self pity mixed with the loathing of the situation. You can’t feel someone else’s grief – only be saddened by what they’re going through.
Dumbledore nodded. “I think it’s a good idea.” He said simply. “When would you like to go? I believe you detest Wednesday’s the most?” I looked at him confused at his extensive knowledge of my life. “There are a few students who hold my interest so I make it my business to know about them.”
“So who else is a special as me?” I asked a smile playing at my lips. My talk with Lily and Alice had put in high spirits and I was feeling really rather happy – probably how I managed to get here. I had mentioned wanting to visit my mother’s grave and the other two had practically pushed me to go visit Dumbledore.
“Miss Evans, Miss McKinnon in Ravenclaw, Mr Black, Mr Potter, Mr Lupin, Mr Snape and Mr Longbottom to name a few.”
“Funny – they all seemed to be connected to me in same way. Except the Ravenclaw. Guess I’m extraordinary,” Dumbledore smiled.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about Miss McKinnon.” Dumbledore said his eyes twinkling mysterious. I hated when he did that – it was simply weird. It always sent your mind reeling. What connection did I have with a Miss McKinnon? Sure I recognised the name from somewhere but it hardly made much of a difference.
“So I can go see my mother tomorrow?” I asked, giving up on trying to solve that riddle, and he nodded.
“Come to my office when you’re ready to go – I will provide you with transport. Would you prefer to go to your home first or -”
“No. Dad doesn’t need to know.”
Dumbledore didn’t seem to approve of my decision but let it slide. I stood up to go, grabbing the rest of the bag of toffees.
“I wanted to ask you one more thing Miss McDonald.” I turned back expected a deep meaningful and mysterious question. “How are you finding team building?”
His eyes were sparking more than normal and I assumed this was Dumbledore’s version of a smirk. I didn’t answer and instead shot him a dark look and left his office.
Why was everyone such an arse these days?
*******
“Where’s my dinner?” Daddy snapped.
“Oh I’m sorry; I’ve waited for so damn long it evaporated!” Mummy said folding his arms over her chest and glaring at him.
“Oh hilarious.” Daddy snapped back walking over to the cupboard and pouring out a drink for himself; filling the glass to brim with golden beer from the green bottle.
“You’re late!” Mummy said trying to keep his attention by following him around.
“Because I was working!”
“I wanted to talk to you, and tell you something really important!” Mummy protested. “But you’re never here when I need you to be!”
“I’m here all the damn time!” Daddy yelled and I winced. It sounded to me if he hated being here, if he hated us, if he hated me. I clung on to the door tighter as I peaked round.
“Andrew!”
“Fine! Say what you have to say for Gods sake! Stop with the guilt trip!”
“It’s good news!” Mummy protested angrily. “It was good news and you’ve ruined it!”
“Sandra!” Daddy warned and mummy slammed the door of the cupboard behind her.
“I’M PREGNANT!” Mummy yelled.
“Oh my God!” Daddy said his voice changing. He threw his arms around her and suddenly all thoughts of being late were gone from their minds.
“Have you stopped yelling?” I asked quietly from my position behind the door. They turned to me beaming and I ran towards them and wrap my arms around tightly.
“I hate it when you argue!” I proclaimed pulling them in tighter.
“Mary fairy, you’re going to have a little brother or sister!” Dad said picking me up and twirling me around.
My face fell. Potentially another sister like Becky? Or an annoying little brother who’d fight me and take my toys? That wasn’t part of the plan.
“Won’t it damage your health?” Daddy asked quietly.
“It will be fine.”
“Sandra, maybe it’s best if -”
“NO! This is what I want!” Mummy argued back. I crept back out of the room. I pressed my back against and began to cry. Becky stood in front of the mirror frowning at her reflection.
I sat up straight shaking: my mind altered completely by the dream.
I shouldn’t have told them. I didn’t want Karen to have a baby. I shouldn’t get close to them. Sirius Black was a dick and I definitely was not okay with having 5 months to live.
5 months less a day.
Crap.
A/N – WOO GUYS!
What will happen with Mary and Sirius daily chats?? How is Mary going to react to her new sibling? Will Becky be okay? What will happen when Mary visits her mum’s grave? What’s Miss McKinnon got to do with anything?
All to come :D
QUESTION TIME : )
If you were Mary, who would you tell first?
Who do you think Mary will tell first?
Who do you think will find out first (clue... minor character). :D
Love and stuff
AC
A/N - hellooo everybody thank you for the lovely reviews! Some of you even got them right (well, not all of them) so congrats guys! I rather like this chapter, but you might hate it, so we'll see.... xxx
"And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything."Michael Buble- Everything
Sirius P.O.V.
Her skin. Merlin... I remembered the joking tone in which she’d claimed it was ‘endearing’. I hadn’t taken her seriously until about an hour ago. I’d never looked and saw how enchanting she really was, but now that I had there was no way I was going to see her in the same light. So pale it was almost luminous, and so touchable; it looked so damn smooth.
It was shocking that I hadn’t noticed this before because, in all honesty, I look at girls a lot. Soft flesh, silky, warm curves and wonderful, innocent eyes that blinked and glittered under the magical light of Hogwarts castle. All different shapes of girls – curvy, slim, pear-shaped, apple-shaped, hourglass figures! Whatever. I liked them all. Confident, shy, flirty, funny, boring, serious, independent, supporting, confident and caring: they were all good.
Shapes didn’t matter much to me – there couldn’t be a girl who had an ugly shape because they were all so appealing and wonderful (I’m not counting circular and straight line as a shape, as they’re not, but there are very few girls that fall into that category). I liked girls with imperfections and uniqueness, otherwise I would just get off with any bimbo. I liked the way Rachel laughed with a slight snort, and the way Charlotte was blunt and to the point. I liked how Lily was so hot-headed, and I liked how some girls were clumsy. It was good. Dating a perfect girl would only be like dating Mary Poppins – and where’s the fun in that?
No. I’m not looking for Miss Perfect in the slightest – no one’s perfect anyways – I was looking for a nice girl, that’s all. Girls, girls, girls.
If I were a girl (and I assure you I am not, as most females in the school would be able to tell you) I would have to turn lesbian. I know I’m one of the ’more desirable’ males in Hogwarts but I still don’t see the appeal of men. With girls you get the lovely, soft, silky, fragrant, hairless shiny skin. That soft hair and the warmth that girls have. The perfect, delicate, feminine features and lovely eyes framed with mascara, lips shining with gloss. Guys don’t have soft, kissable lips like girls do. Then there’s the holy grail of femininity. Boobs. Big is good, small is good, just having them is good! Size and colour doesn’t really matter to me. Girls are just good – that’s how the world works.
I’d seen and met every type of girl except the one.
None of them were quite like Mary Anne Sue McDonald.
She didn’t fit in to any of the categories of girls I’d made.
She wasn’t your classic pretty girl, she was so much better! The pale skin looked so welcoming that it was all I could do to keep myself fully in control – there was just something about it. Merlin... I knew for a fact it was soft and smelt of mango and papaya, good enough to eat. I knew that she always had cold hands and feet and preferred it that way so if ever her hand was to touch yours a wonderful coolness spread through to your own skin, accompanied by high voltage electricity that made you instantly alert.
Merlin...
Then there was the subtle shape of her face, too subtle to be considered classically stunning, but if you ask me – it was. You could see her cheek bones clearly defined, and her jaw line under the white skin. There was a permanent blush to those cheeks, which I knew she applied every morning, but she did apply it very well – she always looked healthy and as if she was blushing slightly. Sometimes I wondered if that blush was real, coming through from under the make-up. It didn’t matter.
Then her eyes. Merlin... The blue of her eyes was quite sharp, but not as dramatic as Dumbledore’s eyes, and there were still bits of brown, green and grey...They changed as fast as her emotions did – happy and light one second, angry, bitter and dark the next. Then a smile would break out on her lips and she’d be so beautiful it was breathtaking.
Thinking back to that kiss on the train at the beginning of the year...Her lips had felt so right under mine. Over mine. On mine. They fit. They were soft and smothered in mango and papaya balm, which was utterly tantalising by itself, but mixed with the taste of her was enough to make me pass out with bliss. I couldn’t stop going back to that moment on the train before she’d kicked me in the nuts.
Of course she hated me.
There was no one like Mary.
It was her personality that was the most appealing thing of all however. Despite what I’d screamed at her previously Mary McDonald was actually real (she just wasn’t the real Mary that I was used to and loved). She wasn’t trying to convince the world she was better than she was, she wasn’t putting on a mask to make herself look better and gain popularity. Sure, she was secretive, she had a secret that I wanted to know desperately, but it wasn’t a silly, petty secret. I was sure that when I found it out, it would be something I didn’t like.
Still.
She had this weird outlook on life that made me question things. Then she’d change moods as often as I would and she was just so real.
Merlin...
How can one kiss be so damn good? I know I’m an arsehole to girls and I know full well why she hates me. I can’t help it though – she’s just so desirable.
“There’s something about Mary,” I said aloud without realising.
“Sirius mate, you have a problem,” Remus commented wryly.
“Several,” Pete put in – always a helpful man.
“Yes, yes I do,” I said, throwing and catching my mini Quaffle to have something to do with my hands. Merlin... Mary had said something about me having a problem the other day...
The Quaffle hit me in the face.
“Bloody ow!”
“You just dropped a Quaffle! You do realise the next quidditch game is next week! We can’t have you dropping -”
“Do you think I could get Mary to kiss me again?” I asked, my brain kicking up a gear as the image of Mary’s lips willingly coming towards mine drifted into my brain...
“Why? So you can make her look like an idiot?” Remus asked, tiredly. He never approved of my ‘arseholeness’, and less so my treatment of Mary. Due to this he always assumed the worst. Maybe it was my bad mood changing my perceptions but Remus seemed like he was in a bad mood to me. Then, it was nearly full moon so...
“No.” I turned over onto my front on my bed, and buried in my face in my pillow. It was annoying that even my best friends expected this of me.
“Uh-huh.”
“No!”
“Well what for then?” James asked, and I sighed at their dimness.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“I’m going to say no.”
“Because I want her!” I claimed, angrily. Merlin! I wanted her so badly. Why was she so damn hot? I growled under my breath.
“You want Mary McDonald? Don’t be daft – wooah! You want her!” Pete joked.
“Are you serious?” James asked. I smirked. “No! Not the name pun!” James exclaimed.
“Can we get back to the point?”
“There was a point?” Remus asked, frustrated. “I thought we were talking about you taking the piss?”
“What??!?” I shouted. “Why won’t any of you believe me?”
“Because you hate Mary for breaking your heart!” Pete said, in a surprise moment of cleverness. Pete isn’t actually that big of a prick when you get to know him. He’s awkward, sure, but that way no one suspects him of having a brain – which he does. He’s brilliant at distractions and is actually pretty perceptive.
“For supposedly breaking your heart,” Remus corrected.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, turning on Remus.
“You don’t have a heart. Not when it comes to girls anyway.”
I was angry now, that one of my best friends would dare to insult me like that! Would dare to say something so –
“Because you can talk!”
“Yes I can!” Remus exclaimed, crossing his arms. “You don’t know anything about being in love!”
“And you do?”
“Yes!”
“Because you’ve dated what – four, five girls? All of which you dumped because they got up your tits!”
“Where as you’ve dated – or at least shagged – every girl in Hogwarts and now have decided you’re in love with one of them because she’s slightly more interesting than the others!”
“Hey! You’re not saying you’re in love with Mary are you??” I asked, angrily. Mary was mine. Sort of.
“No!” Remus said defensively.
“Hey! Are you implying Mary isn’t fanciable?”
“No!”
“SHUT UP!” James yelled, standing up. “Stop being twats!”
“But we’re so good at it,” I said, and Remus rolled his eyes. I went back to day dreaming about Mary. Pete went back to doing his transfiguration homework. James went back to planning quidditch tactics. Remus went back to reading his book.
I picked up my mini Quaffle again and began chucking it from one hand to another. We were silent for a few awkward moments.
“I’ve dated nine girls,” Remus finally said, folding his arms across his chest. It was a common feature in the week before and week after full moon, which is about half the time. He’d get all territorial and touchy on us – even so we normally bickered quite a bit among the four of us when no one was listening. For the school we put on our united front unless something really, really bad happened.
So far that had only happened once (which was my fault, so let’s not go into that).
“I only remember eight?” James queried, looking at Moony carefully.
“Same, who’s the last one?” Pete asked curiously.
“Alice.” Remus admitted, and the Quaffle hit me in the face again.
“Ow!” I complained loudly – I needed to stop doing that or I’d break my nose or something daft. My face can’t afford a broken nose.
“Alice?” James asked.
“Yeah. Alice.”
“The quiet blonde one?” Wormtail asked, and Remus nodded. “Hmm... she’s nice I think...”
“You think, Wormtail? You fancied her for five months?!?” Remus said, incredulously.
“I did? I don’t think I did. There’s another Alice isn’t there? In Ravenclaw?”
“No. There isn’t.” I shook my head. I remembered people – or girls at least. You’d think there were some I hadn’t noticed, but I have. I’ve noticed every single one.
“Must have meant someone else then.”
Remus deflated on his bed.
I know for the most part I sound shallow but that’s not strictly true. My weakness is definitely girls, but I would never purposefully try to hurt one. It breaks my heart to know that every time I so much as go near one they change themselves – it really does. The fact of the matter is the attention is good. When you’ve got some girl or other, particularly a remarkable one, wanting you and admiring you it gives you a confidence boost – at least until you realise you’re being a selfish git.
James, on the one occasion I was forced into talking to him about it, starting going on about all this crap about not being loved by my family, so I try to find approval elsewhere. I asked him, if he had a girl like Rachel wanting to rip his clothes off and snog him senseless what he’d do? He conceded my point there, but said he would hold out for Lily – nutter.
Normally I don’t think about girls as much as this particular morning. This had been triggered by a dream, yes, one of those dreams.
“I need to get my mind off her.” I said, having tuned out of the conversation for at least ten minutes in going over the dream in my head – probably not the most productive thing to have been doing. I should have been doing something important like... nope – haven’t got anything to be doing. My mind strayed back to Mary.
Well damn.
“Who?” Pete asked, rather stupidly in my opinion, but the others all seemed to be wondering along the same lines going by the blank expression on their faces. A brief flash of annoyance passed through me at this – considering they’re my best friends they should at least try and keep up with my brain. Hell, they’re practically my brothers! Yet they all have better things to be doing.
“Never mind.” I told them, shaking my head. I didn’t like being weak much – it made me feel inept and I knew at the moment I was showing weakness. Normally I had a fair bit of control over my life, the only thing that fluctuated easily was my mood and I could thank my family for that.
When I thought about my friends and that side of my life, I was happy. When I thought about the other side: the curses, the beatings, the dark arts, Voldemort and my parents I wasn’t – it was the one thing I had come to accept that I couldn’t control. It was always going to come and hit me in the face again when I’d just got my emotions back to the positive, then they go swinging back to the negative. I didn’t care anymore – as long as everything else was controlled, and I only lost it when it came to subjects coming close to my flesh and blood. That way everyone just knew I was mood-swingy. Sure it had been a lot worse this year which I could thank only Voldemort for.
The others didn’t see it because they lived in their own little bubbles, but the world was getting darker. Voldemort was getting stronger. People were getting nastier. It was subtle of course, for the time being at least, but plans were being laid and things put into action that surely only meant bad things for the future. I wanted to fight it, but I knew I’d do no good on my own.
I resented not being able to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening like the other three, and sometimes I resented them for being so lucky. These moments always passed quickly when I fixed my mind on to something else.
Back to the point...
I had been so worked up about a dream? Pathetic, really. It was only Mary for Merlin’s sake – that ship had sailed. It was fine. Good. Normal.
“Who?” The other three all asked now, suddenly interested. Like the ‘good’ friends they were, if I didn’t want to tell them it was suddenly interesting. The things I was only too happy to disclose they couldn’t give a damn about.
“You James, I’m gay.” I tried to look as serious as possible.
“Brilliant, because I think you’re amazing and we should get married,” James said in the campiest voice he could.
“What about Lily?” Pete asked, and I for one wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.
“Oh, I’ll have her too. She can be my mistress. Then Siri darling can have whoever it is that’s got his boxers in a twist this morning.”
“My boxers are completely straight thank you very much,” I countered. “Not even slightly bent.” James smirked back at me.
“Never mind eh James, you can still have Lily,” Remus said, clapping him on the shoulder.
“Why didn’t I think of that?” James asked dramatically. “Wasting all these years pining over Sirius, when I could have had Lily!”
“One problem?” I put in. “She doesn’t want you?”
“Oh she will,” James said, sitting back down on his bed and going all dreamy-eyed.
“Well then, now we’ve got that sorted. How about breakfast??” I asked, hoping that maybe they’d drop the subject I was so reluctant to discuss.
“Nope,” they chorused happily.
“I don’t feel much like lessons today anyway.” James shrugged. “It’s all piss easy right now – we could do with some good old-fashioned pranking.”
“Yes we could!” I exclaimed excitedly – lessons were boring. Pranks were fun. Life was simple. Ish. “How’s about we try and prank Snape!”
“Yes! I have this stuff which makes the victim feel really conf -” James claimed, standing up and practically jumping over to his trunk to grab whatever this stuff was.
“Not allowed,” Remus said, bursting James’s happy bubble. “Mary’s rules for getting Lily. Don’t prank Snape.”
“But she hasn’t talked to him for ages – since, like, before Hogsmead and he’s an arse and arrgghh!” James complained, sitting down again. “But it’s for Lily!” he said, grinning again. “She’s going to want me.”
“Earth to James!” I said, smirking. “Who can we prank then?”
Maybe we could prank one of the teachers again...
“Wait a sec. We still don’t know who’s got Padfoot all worked up!” Pete said suddenly, and the others all focused their gazes on me. Mischievous smirks and all.
“You really don’t want us to know,” Remus said, his eyes sparkling manically.
“Amanda Brocklehurst!” I claimed, bringing forth the only name I could think of from the top of my head.
“Who can blame you? She is pretty much perfect...” Remus began. I sighed with relief at my lucky escape when I realised Prongs was still watching me.
“No it’s not!” he said, standing up and pointing at me. “LIAR!”
“Shut up you prat!” I yelled, standing up and wrestling him to the floor to make him shut up.
“I’m beginning to believe the gay story,” Moony said with his eyes raised. I jumped away from James disgusted.
“No thanks.”
“So, knowing you, which I do...” James began walking around me carefully and putting on an odd accent like some mad professor or detective. “I would infer that you probably already told us the answer, before realising you didn’t want us to know. Us,” he gestured to the three of them, “having not paid attention previously are clueless as to who that person is, but if we think back to -”
“No way!” Remus exclaimed, ruining James’s bravado completely. “You... you!...you!”
“WHO? WHO? WHO?” James exclaimed excitedly, looking a lot like Lily when she got excited over things. Like when she found out about Alice and Mike and started screaming – it was like that only at a lower pitch. Thank Merlin.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Pete asked. “Mary?”
“Oh, I was going for Alice...” Remus said, trailing off. “MARY?”
“It was just a dream okay!” I said defensively, realising I’d just admitted to it.
“A dream dream, or just a dream?”
“Because that makes sense.” I said sarcastically, sitting down on my bed annoyed. “And yes,” I added as an afterthought.
“So why didn’t you just say? A dream’s a dream – they mean nothing.”
“Precisely – but then you bunch of sissies got the wrong end of the stick and went all girly on me.”
“Unless it didn’t mean nothing...” James began grinning.
“To be fair she does look hot with her new hair,” Pete remarked.
“You know what we really need to make you talk? Some alcohol,” James continued.
“Pity you guys haven’t got any money left to buy any,” I said cheerfully. “Given as you spent all your months ‘allowance’ on some crappy shoes for Quidditch.”
“I didn’t know they were a rip-off!”
“I can’t believe you still get pocket money! Your parents are loaded,” Pete laughed, and then we all did for a few minutes at James’s expense.
“It’s not pocket money! And they want to me to gain a proper idea about finances -”
We all just laughed harder. James flushed red and folded his arms. “At least I’m not lusting over Mary McDonald!”
“I am not!” I exclaimed, stopping laughing immediately – the other two continued.
“Are too!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Am not!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!” I yelled, before realising my mistake. “You dick!” I exclaimed, kicking him off his bed with my foot.
“I win!” he exclaimed from the floor. “I wiinn, I wiiinn, I wiinn!” he said, scrambling to his feet and beginning a little dance around the centre of the dorm. I laughed at his ridiculousness, even though I was supposed to be annoyed about losing. James making himself look like a prat was always pretty funny.
The door opened and Frank Longbottom appeared at the door. He looked amused at the scene before him, but didn’t say anything and instead grabbed his bags and walked out again. We all stayed frozen until he had left again except James who hadn’t even noticed the interruption.
I’d heard some not-too-pleasant things about Frank that I didn’t like. How he dated girls for bets, burnt down his home on purpose and constantly bullied his elder brother. It meant that he was excluded from most things that went on. I wasn’t sure if I believed any of them, but he hadn’t made any effort to try to talk to us and we made no effort to match his attitude to us. He always left the dormitory first, and came back last. It was what we were all used to – he mostly didn’t affect our lives at all.
“I lose! I lose!” I sang, standing up and imitating James’ movements. “I lose, I lose!”
“You’re both losers,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Let’s get back to the point!”
“What was the point?” Pete asked. We all stopped for a moment and considered this.
“Good point,” James said, nodding.
“I’m confused,” I added, losing the thread of the conversation (or was there not one?) somewhere along the lines.
“It’s okay Pads, everyone’s allowed to be a bit confused once in awhile. This period of gay feelings will -”
“I thought we’d just established that I was ‘lusting after’ Mary,” I interrupted, as James patted me on the back patronisingly.
“YOU ADMITTED IT!” James yelled, throwing a punch into the air over-dramatically. “I WIIN! I WINN!”
“Does anyone else see this conversation going round in circles?” Remus asked, with the dismay evident in his voice. “Why am I friends with you tossers?”
“Because... we increase your wantability moony,” Prongs said happily. “Because I’m so hot, it makes you look good too.”
“Only as James is too harped on Lily, and I’m an arsehole, you become the nice, sensitive, studious one that everyone things awww, he’d be a nice boyfriend,” I added in. “They go to James for a long, loving relationship, and they come to me if they want some hot stuff.”
“Wow pads, your head just got bigger,” Moony raised his eyebrows.
“No, it’s not meant to be big-headed. That’s just how it is. I get the sluts who are just looking for the material things and nothing more. You’re much more likely to get the nice girls – it’s a much better position to have.”
“I dunno,” Pete said. “I think I’d rather have the sluts.”
“It gets old.”
“So do nice girls.”
“Lily doesn’t.”
“You do realise that for once – we’re all single!” Pete exclaimed as if it was a monumental event. “We should have a stag do!” He added, but we were all still hung up on the all being single.
“We don’t have any alcohol,” James pointed out. “We went through this – and none of us have any money except Sirius and he won’t buy us any because he’s still not telling us everything.”
Man that guy’s perceptive. There were things that I wasn’t telling them. Like my little... erm... mistake with Rachel. Plus half the stuff that I told Mary and she’d told me. Normally I just told them everything (except family stuff – they wouldn’t want to know) so it was weird having little things that I held back. Somehow they felt important however. Especially when they weighed together to make this big clump of stuff that remained a secret – they were aware of its presence though.
“Mary’s sister tried to kill herself, twice,” I said, and I wasn’t even sure why. Just lessening that load slightly for some reason – and that happened to be the first thing that came out. “And I kind of slept with Rachel again – after we broke up.”
“God,” was all anyone said in response – that was James. “Anything else you want to tell us?” James continued.
“Nope,” I said, shaking my head and squeezing my eyes shut – they didn’t need to know about the now numerous occasions that Mary had cried on me or the fact that we were now becoming friends.
“What that why Mary was so pissed that she slept for two days?” Remus asked – he was always the one who put two and two together and got four. James usually dramatised things and ended up with eight. Peter and me usually didn’t think about things enough to get an answer.
“Shit,” James added this time. “She was really angry?”
“She didn’t say anything... Until after she woke up. I think she got mad at Nate too though.”
“Oh, so that’s what all that when you woke up was about!” Pete said, nodding in realisation. “It all makes sense!”
“I didn’t mean to do it!” I defended.
“Mate, you usually don’t care either way and you can’t accidently sleep with someone.”
“Well okay, I can’t even remember if we got that far because Mary walked in to the Common room.”
“The common room? On a Sunday morning?”
“Don’t remind me,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and shaking my head at the memory.
“Okay, so what happened?” Moony asked, and now the ‘I’m a good listener voice’ was turned on.
“Well, I was thinking about what happened with Mary’s family and that. I’d met them first that morning.” I tried to push the image of Becky – skeletal and empty – from my mind. Seeing Mary’s family had affected me a lot. “And then I felt pretty bad thinking about some of the things I’d said to her...” I continued, trying to push back all the insults and comments I’d thrown at her unwittingly. “I don’t know why I do, the arsehole gene just turns on whenever she gets anywhere near! Well anyway, I was sitting there thinking about it all then Rachel comes downstairs and she’s got all her make-up done and everything and she’s wearing this nighty...”
“Yeah, we get the picture,” James nodded.
“Then she just comes and sits next to me. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her, but she did listen and started asking me if I was okay. Then we get talking about something – I can’t remember. Then I hadn’t even notice that her hand was...” I gestured with my hand.
“Sounds like a perfectly good reason to forget what the conversation was about,” Remus confessed.
“So I told her to get off and piss off – that I wasn’t interested. Then she just started kissing me and...”
“Yeah.” James nodded.
“Then Mary came in and I felt shit, considering...”
“You don’t reckon Rachel knew Mary was going to come down?”
“Probably.” I shook my head in annoyance with myself. Sure, Rachel had turned out not be as nice as I’d thought she was, but I’d still hurt her, and Mary – I hadn’t meant to. Plus it turns out Rachel had used me, but I guess they all did that. They didn’t like me for me, just the fact that they thought I was hot (I’m not big headed, but if I wasn’t ‘hot’ then why would they all want me so much? None of them even know me). “Eurgh.”
“I think I’m changing my mind,” Remus said, interrupting my thoughts.
“About what?” I asked, without really caring. I still felt awful about the whole Rachel incident, but worse about being an arse to Mary.
That was probably what had trigged the dream – regret. I’d been thinking about how bad I felt before I went to sleep and then...
“About you and Mary. I actually think you might have fallen for her,” he said slowly, looking at me carefully.
“That’s a load of crap,” I said, shaking my head at his ludicrousness.
“No it isn’t!” James said, this revelation apparently dawning on him too. “You’ve been off all year! You’ve just said you keep acting like an arse to her for no reason. This dream you had. Feeling bad about the whole Rachel thing?!? You really, really, really like her!”
“Do not!”
“Do too!”
“Do no-”
“Come on now, let’s not be childish!” Remus said, but he was grinning now. “You want Mary! You want Mary! And not just for a quickie!”
“I thought we weren’t being childish,” I said, crossing my arms. “And stop talking crap, you know I can’t stand her.”
“You can’t stand not snogging her!” James said, a smirk plastered on his face too. “She’s changed you! She’s making you a better person – I never thought I’d see it!”
“You’re talking shit! Mary’s just...”
“Just what?” Remus asked, still grinning like some sort of insane children’s cartoon. “What happened in the last of those session thingy’s you have to go to for Quiggles.”
“Nothing,” I mumbled, thinking of the last session – where she’d ended up crying on me again for a full 45 minutes.
“Something happened!” Pete exclaimed, and I felt myself flush.
“It did not!”
“Did too!”
“Did not!”
“SHUT UP!” Remus yelled. “I have an idea that will solve everything,” his voice commanding all the attention of the room like only a future teacher could (I know – disgusting but that’s what he wants to do). “Today, we are going to have... AN INTERNAL PRANK WAR!”
“How does that solve anything?” James asked, obviously unimpressed by Moony’s master plan.
“Okay, so we have to basically play pranks on each other for the whole day, and the looser of the prank wars has to jump into the lake and tell us everything said person has been holding back.” The others murmured in agreement. “And they have to or they will face the consequences.”
It was clear that I was the one going to lose here because no one else had anything to tell. They’d all been open obviously, so all three of them were going to aim their pranks at me and me only. My mind was racing – maybe if I pretended I had a chance I could use my efforts to work on making the punishments not so bad? There was nothing I could do about the proposed truth telling – they’d probably poison me with veritaserum anyway – but jumping in the lake?
Due to the season being winter and the lake being very, very, very cold this wasn’t something I could really look forward too. If only I could do something to change the weather? No that was daft. Impossible...
“It doesn’t solve everything,” I continued. “We still don’t have any alcohol.”
I could see that Remus was itching to add that into the prize for losing – has to provide alcohol for everyone – but he didn’t want to make it too obvious. He didn’t want me to guess – he was an idiot if he’d thought I’d fallen for that.
“We could make some,” Pete said in a moment of genius. To most people’s surprise Peter Pettigrew actually comes up with some of the best Marauder ideas. The map was his idea – sure he suggested it due to his inability to navigate himself around the castle – and at first we’d told him not to be an idiot. Then we realised how much of an amazing idea it actually was. Pete’s ideas are original because most people cast aside silly thoughts like that straight away, but due to his awkwardness, he said it, we tossed it aside then realised it was essentially brilliance.
This was one of these times.
“You can’t just make alcohol,” James said, waving his hand as if to shoo the idea away. “No, I reckon the winner should -”
“We could just make some!” Remus interrupted over James – probably to shut him up. “No, it’s easy. We just need some yeast, some sugar and... Well it can’t be that hard. Then we’d have a constant supply!”
“That’s actually not a bad idea,” James conceded.
“My mother makes her own wine,” I said, the word mother leaving a bad taste in my mouth. “But it’s deadly – one glass and the drinker is unconscious for hours. Though I’m not sure that has anything to do with alcoholic content.”
“What does she put in it?” Remus asked eagerly, already having a notebook at hand.
“Some kind of poison probably,” I said bitterly. “Why don’t we concentrate on the alcohol making another day? I have an internal prank war to win!”
*******************
“Three... two... one!” My three prat friends yelled. I sent a glare their way before throwing myself into the lake.
It was cool. Bloody cold actually, but not as bad as it could have been if not for my genius. In any case it was good for the confidence, considering every girl in the vicinity was sitting somewhere near the edge of the lake waiting for me get out of the water again (I’d taken of my shirt and trousers when instructed to by the others, so I was only in a pair of shorts).
“Really Mary – you are not dressed for the weather,” Lily said, and my head snapped around to Mary who was just entering the scene. She look mildly confused (completely understandable) as she came to sit down with Alice and Lily. Both Alice and Lily were dressed in hot pants, tank tops and large sunglasses and Mary’s eyebrows shot upwards.
“It’s November.” She looked around at everyone dressed in skimpy outfits and having water fights. She could most undoubtedly see why however – the sun was shining and it was hotter than it had been almost all summer. She pulled off her coat and her jumper and put them on the ground. “What’s going on?” she asked, sitting down on her coat.
I kept my eyes fixed in the opposite direction (but glancing backward regularly) as I continued to eavesdrop.
“Yeah, well.” Alice shrugged, closing her eyes and absorbing the sun.
“What happened?” Mary asked stretching out in jeans and two t-shirts. She probably felt really stupid considering what everyone else was wearing.
“Well, some second year kid got really angry about something and lost control of his magic. Turns out he’s pretty powerful, ‘cause he created this microclimate,” Lily said serenely. “So now we’ve got this until he calms down to his normal demeanour. It was 36 degrees first, but it’s dropped to about 26 now.”
I smirked at this. Making him angry enough had been fun, and then I had tricked the others into casting the spell that would maximize its affects.
“Oh,” was all she could say in response. “Who was it?”
“I think his name was Shacklebolt?” Lily shrugged.
“Kingsley Shacklebolt,” Alice continued – she knew a lot about people it seemed. “He’s normally the calmest person ever, but something set him off big time. He’s probably never lost it before – hence the extreme reaction.”
“Oh,” she said again. “The first time I lost it I set the house on fire, then put it out again without damage.” I was surprised by this, from what I’d seen Mary was hopeless at magic...
“Wow, that’s really cool. I never really lost control,” Lily said and Alice agreed. “I could use magic a bit before Hogwarts when I...” She stopped and took off her sunglasses looking at something – or someone – by the lake.
I decided now was the time to get out of the lake.
“I’m getting heart palpitations,” Alice said dreamily, and she followed their gaze.
“Forget palpitations – I’m having a full on heart attack!” Lily exclaimed. “We should have brought binoculars.” She sighed, sounding annoyed. “This was well worth the wait.”
Mary raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything; I’d expected some comment reprimanding them for being so superficial but instead her eyes were also fixed on me. I fought the grin that was fighting to take over my face.
“Mary, are you drooling?” Alice asked sweetly – her eyes widened in shock and it took her a few seconds to work out that Alice had been joking.
“That is one sexy -” Lily began, but stopped when I couldn’t resist looking over any longer. They all stopped; obviously realising I may have been eavesdropping from the beginning (or at least at some point).
Mary gave me a look that clearly told me to shut up and not to say anything bigheaded, I was about to think of something befitting that expression when James realised what had caught my attention. James’s expression froze as he saw what Lily was looking at (me) and looked deflated for a minute, before whopping off his own shirt.
Then Remus, who had of course been standing with James, looked over and soon he was as topless as the rest of us – maybe it was because of Alice (he dated her right?) or he just wanted to join the line, but there we were.
With Lily, Alice and Mary sitting ten meters away, wondering how the hell this had happened (trust me, I’m wondering too).
“I’m thinking we need to thank Kingsley Shacklebolt,” Mary said really quietly to the other two. They nodded. We all smirked even more.
“Hey Mary!” I bellowed, coming over to sit next to her. “You seemed to be dressed for colder weather,” I said conversationally, sitting on the edge of her coat and grinning at her like a fool.
“And you seem to be dressed for a porn video.”
“Well, let’s be getting us out of these outfits and get making that video.” She scowled predictably (and I realised I should have kept my mouth shut, and not come over, but it’s a bit late now).
“Fat chance.”
“We brought your stuff down Mary,” Lily said, only just realising it, “So you didn’t have to go upstairs and get it.” She gestured to a pile of stuff. She waved her wand over Mary and she was suddenly in the new outfit.
“Thanks, I think,” she said, looking down at her short shorts and a top that wasn’t exactly generous on the material front.
Thank you very much Lily.
“And we brought you sun cream,” Alice added, chucking her a bottle. “We know how you burn,” Alice said, her eyes twinkling.
Then Lily and Alice stood up, smiling at each other, put their sunglasses on and walked off with linked arms.
“Erm... where are you going?” she asked, confused.
“I need to catch up with some of my other friends,” Lily explained a satisfied smirk (has she been taking lessons?) on her lips. “You’ll be okay won’t you?” she asked, but didn’t wait for Mary to answer. Remus and James followed after the two of them and they were soon engaged in a conversation that I couldn’t hear.
She grabbed the bottle of sun cream, scowling. She began rubbing the stuff into her pale, pale legs making them shiny and even paler...
“Need a hand with that?” I asked.
“Need a hand with getting that big head of yours deflated?” she snapped, standing up. “I think I’ll be going inside before I burn.”
“Don’t be an enjoyment prude. Just relax for once.” (I shouldn’t have said that either – the words just keep coming out by accident!).
“With you? No thanks. I’ll go stick pins in my eyes – more fun you see.”
“For me at least,” I grinned. “Watching you in pain I mean.”
Don’t look at her legs. Don’t look at her legs. See... not hard!
DON’T LOOK THERE EITHER!
“Well I think you get enjoyment out of watching me anyway. Sorry, have I not introduced you. This is David and this is Janice,” she said, pointing to one boob, then the other.
Bugger. She may have just noticed...
“You know the politest form of greeting is to shake hands,” I smirked. “Or a kiss on both cheeks if you’re cultured. Which would you prefer David and Janice? Because either way works for me.”
Oh crap. I did not just...
“You’re insufferable,” she said, beginning to walk away.
“But Mary we’ve only just begun the fun!” I exclaimed, running after her (yeah, really cool) and trying to recover this conversation before it was too late.“Mary! I have to ask you something important!”
“What?” she snapped, turning around.
My mind went blank. What was I supposed to ask?
“What bra size are you?” I asked, and she looked like she was going to scream at me. “You need to cool off!” I yelled, and pushed her into the lake.
Well that could have gone better.
*****************************
“You lost Sirius!” James mocked when I came in a few minutes later, my cheek still stinging and my pride seriously wounded – as well as being soaking wet.
Mary hadn’t exactly been happy with me after I pushed her in the lake... (She had been wearing white). She slapped me round the face and pushed me in too. I can’t say I didn’t deserve it.
“Didn’t,” I spat, slamming the dormitory door behind me. I was annoyed at myself for being such an arse.
“Did,” James said. I grabbed a new change of clothes from my trunk without looking at them.
“Piss off,” I said, walking over to the loo and stripping off my soaking clothes.
“You’re wet.”
“No shit Sherlock! And I didn’t lose! I knew you were all ganging up against me and I tricked you all. The microclimate!” I exclaimed, walking back into the dorm with some fresh clothes on. “I tricked James into helping me with the writing in the toilets, and making you go in the girls toilets. I tricked you, Moony, with the fake map and I tricked Peter, well, sort of. The point being, I knew exactly what you were doing!”
“Actually Sirius – we tricked you.”
“That’s the thing – you didn’t.”
“You think it’s a coincidence that you were left topless with Mary? When she was wearing practically nothing?” Remus said, a grin spreading across his face. “Come on, give us some credit. We knew you had the hots for Mary way before today! We thought you just wanted her, and once you’d got it out your system you’d go back to normal but -”
“The whole day was a set-up?” I asked incredulously.
“Yep,” they grinned. “And you fell right into the trap! Although the microclimate was a stroke of genius – I thought you’d go for a simple spell on your clothes that kept you warm, but thanks anyway – it helped with our side of the bargain.”
“What? Wait? Lily and Alice? Ooh! You got them to help you...”
“But they made James and Remus promise to take their shirts off too,” Pete finished.
“You guys suck,” I said grumpily, sitting back on my bed feeling like a right idiot for not seeing it before. “You really, really suck.”
“Really? We did leave you alone with Mary when you were both hardly dressed – we thought it might be convenient,” Pete said, grinning.
“Oh, she slapped you? And pushed you back in the lake?” James asked, obviously noticing the red mark on my face and the fact that I was wet. Again.
“Worse. I pushed her in the lake first. And offered to shake hands with her boobs.”
“God, sorry,” James said, shaking his head. “I didn’t realise you were so inept.”
“Thanks, thanks a lot,” I mumbled. “Got to admit, you’re good actors.”
“No they’re not,” Moony said, shaking his head. “You think I could trust them not to screw it up? No, I didn’t tell them about the plan until ten minutes before you were in the lake.”
“Congrats,” I spat bitterly. It really comes down to something when your friends trick you that much. “Now what do you want to know?” I asked, resigning myself to my fate – I had no choice.
“Everything,” James said with a satisfied grin.
*******
“So, what you’re saying is that you don’t fancy Mary: you just care for her wellbeing, want to know her better, find her attractive, had a dream about her and wish you could stop acting like an arse around her?” James asked incredulously.
“Bullshit.”
“What you need to do is make her jealous,” Pete said. “With Amanda Brocklehurst.”
I refuse to take relationship advice from Peter.
“No, no,” James said, shaking his head. “You need to become her friend, then she’ll realise how much she wants you and then let her make the first move.”
“No, that’s crap. She’d never do it. What you need to do is just kiss her, and make her enjoy it.” Remus said. “She already wants you, you’re already her friend, and she’s already done the jealous thing!”
“No, you need to prove you’re a better person,” Pete said, and we all looked at him. “Don’t sleep with anyone, listen to her, and become nice.”
“But I’m not nice, and anyway, I don’t fancy her and I don’t want to do anything AND I have to go meet up with her now because of stupid Quiggles and she’s going to kill me!”
*******
When I got to the classroom that Mary and I had to meet in, she wasn’t here which was highly unusual. Normally she was the first one there, probably only so she could yell at me for being late.
It didn’t matter to me. My head was spinning anyway and I didn’t need her to add confusion.
The door swung open and I looked over towards it, to find there was no one there, or maybe someone under an invisibility cloak (I wouldn’t put it past any of them not to creep in and eavesdrop on my whole conversation with Mary).
The guys had confused me somewhat... as in I hadn’t a clue what I felt and what to think anymore.
I was no longer in control, they were, and I did not like it.
“Hey,” Mary said from the door, and I raised a hand in greeting still slightly distracted. Mary was now wearing a turquoise top which made her hair look even redder, and a different, longer pair of shorts that made her legs go on for about forever (or maybe a bit longer).
It should be illegal to look that good.
“Sorry about earlier,” Mary said slowly, and in a different voice to normally – her lips forming the words slowly and deliberately. She had lip gloss on too, which made her lips shimmer in the light and bring all the attention to them. I forced my eyes upwards from her lips. “I was out of order,” she continued, and walked towards where I was sitting on the desk. She walked differently too. Not with her normal walk – intended only to get her from A to B, but in a way that swung her hips more.
I shook these thoughts away. She wasn’t acting any differently from normal surely – it was just my imagination stepping up a gear because I’d realise maybe I did want her.
That was all though.
“I wish I could make it up to you,” she said, coming to sit down next to me. Closer than normal – definitely. Of course that statement sent my mind reeling at all the things she could do to make it up to me, and I was sure that statement couldn’t be meant in an innocent way.
“It’s okay,” I said, my voice sounding more unsure than normal, which made her smile. “Didn’t hurt much anyway.” I lied and a smirk slid on to her face, which she quickly tried to hide.
She leaned slightly closer than normal and smiled. “How are you?” she asked, cocking her head to one side and looking up at me expectantly.
“Okay, you’re acting weird,” I said, looking at her in confusion. This wasn’t Mary. This wasn’t Mary at all.
“Weird? How so?” she asked, then collapsed into her normal posture. “I give up.” She lay back on the desk.
“Ermm... can I ask why?”
“I’m supposed to seduce you,” Mary said simply. “Due to your little game earlier with the others, Lily and Alice were in marauding moods so we ended up playing dares. My dare is to seduce you out of your shirt and bring it back to them.”
“I could just give it to you?” I suggested, and she shook her head.
“They’re out there watching.” She sighed. “And there’s an or else if I don’t do it – I’d probably have to sleep with you or something.”
“Errmm...” I really couldn’t help hoping that she didn’t manage it.
“So we have to make it look like I’m seducing you.”
“Right.” I shook my head at the bizarreness of the day.
“Can you teach me how to do it?” she asked, biting her lip. “Show me how Rachel does it.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Anyway, it’s subtle so I can’t just do it when you’re expecting it. Where were you today? You didn’t seem to be in school?” I asked, and she shook her head.
“I was visiting my mum’s grave.” She looked away from me.
“Was it okay?” I asked, and she shrugged, then shook her head.
“It was horrible,” she said, blinking twice to push back tears. I nodded slowly and rested my hand on the table near her leg – I was going to show her the Rachel seducing technique. “It was freezing to start off with and I felt so guilty!” She hugged her arms in tight. I moved my hand so it was on her leg just above her knee. “Because I never visit. Christmas Eve – that’s the only time we ever visit! Or that’s what I thought because when I got there -” I moved my hand further up her leg slowly as she talked. “There were flowers! And I felt so guilty for not bringing my own, but then I didn’t know who it was and I ran in to this guy who used to...” I moved my hand up even further until it was only about a centimetre bellow the very top of the thigh. She looked downwards at my hand – this was the sign I had been waiting for. I moved my arm and leaned over so I was above her looking down and she was leaning back slightly. Her lips were parted slightly and it was all I could do not to lean down and kiss her. Instead I moved my face forward and touched her nose with mine softly. I could feel her breath on my skin as I moved my nose up to the top of her forehead slowly.
Her eyes sparkled with something I couldn’t identify and she was watching every move I made as if she was almost scared at what I’d do next.
My lips trailed along the edge of her hairline and her skin was deliciously soft beneath them then I angled my face downwards and moved until my lips were only a millimetre away from hers. I could feel her breath on my lips and her body trembling underneath. Her lips were still sparkling slightly, covered in that sticky gloss which smelled of mango and papaya...
“So that’s the Rachel style seduction?” Mary asked, and I could feel her lips moving so close to mine.
“Yep,” I answered, before moving backwards, shaking the thoughts from my head that told me just to snog her face of right then and there. “Only she’d skip straight to the snogging after the feeling up of the leg - as soon as the other person noticed.”
“Right,” she said, considering this. “So how are you then?” She carried on talking normally. I could see right through it and knew that she’d try the Rachel style seduction moves as soon as I started talking.
“I’m okay I guess,” I said, slowly. “It’s been a bit of weird day you know? And...” She put her cold hand on my leg. I looked downwards. I couldn’t help it; it seemed that I couldn’t not be aware of every moment that she made. I was tuned into the radio station of Mary McDonald.
“Aruugh! I can’t do it.” Mary complained, moving backwards.
“No, no, my fault,” I said, shaking my head. “Go again. My day was alright – the others tricked me and made me look like a right idiot. Then they made me tell the truth to them about everything.”
“Eurrghh. Poor guy,” Mary said, putting her hand on my leg just above my knee. I concentrated all my energy on not looking down to that hand.
“Huh?” I asked stiffly, as her hand moved upwards slowly.
“Telling the truth – it’s horrible. Then they look as you as if they know you, and they don’t. Then they know how to hurt you -”
“You tell me the truth don’t you?” I asked as her hand moved upwards more. My whole body shook with anticipation.
“Yeah, don’t ask me why though. I think you make me tell you the truth.”
“I can assure you I don’t.” I smirked as her hand moved up again till it was half way up my thigh.
“Sirius, when do I stop?” She asked, and I looked at her confused. “With the hand?”
“Oh, when the other person notices,” I said, trying not to look down at it – so she would move it up further. I wanted her to so badly it was unbelievable.
Her hand slid up a little farther.
“And if they don’t notice?”
“Just keep going,” I said, and her hand moved up even further till if she stretched her fingers out more she could touch the end of my leg.
“How far did Rachel go?” Mary asked, and I flushed.
“When?” I asked, still trying not to look down.
“On Sunday?”
“About three inches further than you,” I said, finally looking down and seeing her hand resting there. She withdrew it with her eyebrows raised.
“I heard her talking about it,” Mary said, sitting back to her normal posture – slightly slouched. “I guess it’s not your fault. You’re only a guy. Still.”
“Still what?”
“I wish I could do what she did,” she said, looking downwards. My brain kicked up a gear.
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level but hearing it strain.
“Just be able to seduce someone like that – I can’t do it half as good as she could. I could tell you were so aware of my hand it was unreal.”
“Mary, when it comes to you and Rachel there isn’t really a comparison,” I said, shaking my head. “She has nothing on you okay? Nothing.”
“See, that’s how you seduce people. With comments like that.”
“Hmm...” I said slowly, my mind straying away from this conversation and back to Mary’s hand inching its way towards...
“I wouldn’t let your mind wander too much. It’s too small to be let out on its own,” she remarked.
I laughed.
“That’s how you seduce people – by being damn hilarious.”
“Oh you do flatter,” she said sarcastically, but she was smiling. She was sat in a way that meant her boobs stuck out, and I slapped myself internally when my eyes trailed down to there. Never let them catch you looking. I’d already broken that rule once today.
“Why do you want to know how to seduce anyone anyways, apart from the dare?” I asked, hoping the answer had a lot to do with me.
“Well, it’s nice to know you can seduce anyone you like, don’t you think?” She shrugged and my shoulders slumped downwards. She didn’t care about me. She wanted to learn this so she could seduce someone else and given how well she was doing – she probably would manage impeccably. Then I’d be left with Rachel. “You know, I think Rachel’s way of seduction is a bit boring...” she said slowly, tilting her head again.
“Yep, I bet you could come up with something much more colourful,” I said, waiting for whatever she did next. I hoped it included snogging me. Or just having me right here on the desk. I doubted it though.
“Yep, I’m that special,” she said, moving in slow motion closer towards me. Then she grabbed the collar of my shirt and brought it up to her face until our lips were so close to touching that if I spoke they would definitely touch. It was so sudden that I didn’t have time to react to it – if I had you can sure as hell bet I would have kissed her. Then, still holding me by my collar, she ran her lips down from just under my ear to the edge of my collar. Explosions of electricity happened under my skin as they moved – barely touching it, but having an immense effect.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get much better she let go of my collar and leaned forward, kneeling over me so I couldn’t move. She was pretty much straddling me, and I couldn’t think straight because of it. Then she began taking off my shirt.
This whole thing so close to the dream I’d had last night it was unreal. As she undid each button slowly – all the while looking at me in that smouldering way – I kept seeing flashes of dream pop up in front of me.
Then she was slipping the shirt over my shoulders, smoothing her hands over my skin, her fingers tracing over my muscles. Then she leaned in so her lips were next to my ear.
“This is where you have to lean in to kiss me, and I leave with your shirt,” she whispered, and I didn’t need telling twice. She leaned backwards just as I leaned forwards to could close the gap, but she was too quick. She smiled, grabbing my shirt off the desk as she backed to the door.
“See you tomorrow,” she said as she opened the door and waved.
After the door had closed behind her I leant back on the desk and groaned.
“I don’t think I have ever wanted anyone more in my entire life,” I said to the ceiling.
“Mate,” James’s voice said, and he appeared from the corner of the classroom, holding the invisibility cloak. “That was...”
“Yeah.” I nodded, not sure what to think – should I be glad? Or disappointed?
“For a minute there, I thought I was going to get some free porn.”
“For a minute there, I thought you were too,” I said, shaking my head. “I think every word you said earlier was true. I want her so damn much. I would say I fancied the pants of her, but I’d rather she kept her pants on if that makes her happy. I want to know everything about her and help her and bloody well snog her.”
“God,” was all James said. He hadn’t seen me like this before – none of them had. I was normally so controlled and indifferent.
Now I was desperate.
Really desperate.
A/N - It's midnight right now as I update this so I hope you appretiate me staying up late :) (especially as I just got back from camping today) hope you enjoyed it and please review.
QT
Who, out of every single character, do you think is the most likely to have an obsessive love of pineapples?
Who, out of all characters, would you expect to be the lazziest?
And finally which of that characters would you say is the best cook?
I'm really curious, and exhausted, goodbye, and goodnight (PLEASE REVEIW).
A/N – I had real trouble writing this chapter due to several blocks and several other things so it’s not the best chapter of all time, but hopefully you’ll still like me? Who am I kidding, you’re all going to kill me by the end of the chapter... never mind eh? I’ll ramble on here while I’m still alive. Thank you guys for all the reviews you’ve been leaving me, it really does mean a lot! Plus this is the longest chapter so far, as well as being the longest chapter I have EVER written! Exciting much?!?!
Plus guys, I dunno if this will be validated before the queue closes, but I GOT NOMINATED FOR A DOBBY! *SQUEALS!* Most addicting story - Wish me luck in the voting!
Anyway, I’ll let you read now as I’m not saying anything productive really. Please review at the end!
“When will my refection show
Who I am inside?”
Reflection – Disney’s Mulan
“This is where you have to lean in to kiss me, and I leave with your shirt,” I whispered, feeling incredibly foolish and incredibly shaky. Sirius was looking at me, really looking at me, as I leaned backwards, away from his ear. Safely moving my lips away from him, I built up my own personal space, which I seemed to have forsaken for the last however many minutes.
Sirius moved forwards, obeying my instructions, and throwing all my hopes at personal space out the window again. Surely he was a little too quick with obeying? Then I suppose this whole scenario was unlikely anyway, given that if Sirius was being seduced, I doubted very much he’d wait till after the seducer took his shirt off before snogging her (or him I suppose, but that’s highly unlikely). So he was just making it all the more realistic, or I was better than I thought at seducing (not bloody likely).
I moved backwards quicker than I’d thought was possible, until I was safely at the door. “See you tomorrow,” I said, internally hitting myself – that sounded much more like an invitation than I’d intended. Should I add in something about meaning lessons? No! That will sound even more like an invitation.
I need to get out of here!
I gripped Sirius’s shirt tighter in my fist and waved. I tried to avoid looking at his muscles but that proved difficult (as he was very obviously shirtless) and he looked kind of disappointed as I smiled and pushed the door open.
I stood behind the door and inhaled deeply to stop myself from shaking. I hadn’t realised how nervous I’d been until I was out of that damn room (I swear to Merlin I am never going back in there!). I closed my eyes and tried not to think about what I’d just done, even if it was for a dare, with one question burning at the back of my mind.
What would have happened if he’d kissed me?
“Mary! You were great!” Lily squealed, trying to grab Sirius’s shirt. “He looked as if he was about to explode!” I opened my eyes and glared at the two of them.
“I must say, I did not think you were going to do it,” Alice said, smirking in a way that reminded me exactly of Sirius...
I growled at them and shoved my way past them. That was it. I’d played along with their stupid game for some god damn reason, and now not only had they messed with my head; they’d messed with Sirius’s.
We were getting along, we hadn’t yelled at each other in over a week, and we’d even talked about stuff that I’d pretty much never said to anyone before and then they make me do that. Sure it didn’t mean anything, and he knew it didn’t mean anything, but the fricking point was that now it was bound to be awkward. Plus my mind had gone into overdrive and now I was thinking every single one of his actions had a meaning – why had he been so aware of my hand?
Bloody hell – I had felt him up. How had I not realised this at the time? I had almost... no. Let’s not go there.
But...
He had almost kissed me. I know I told him to, but he wasn’t supposed to be so eager about it! Had I wanted to let him? Of course fricking not. It was just the whole... heat of the situation. The room had been so hot, and with all the fake seduction and... Body contact.
It was all Lily’s fault. She was making me doubt myself.
“Mary!” Lily called behind me. “What’s wrong?”
“Your damn game is what’s wrong!” I snapped, turning around to glare at her. “What’s he going to think?” I asked her, holding up Sirius’s shirt and gesturing towards it. “I have to sit next to him in every bloody lesson! And I have to talk to him every night for freaking homework and now look! Do you realise how awkward he’s going to be! No! You didn’t think! And now what am I supposed to do!?!?!” I yelled, gesturing wildly. “You’ve made everything all messed up and screwed!”
Lily just stood there staring at me with Alice next to her.
“So why don’t you just butt out! I still haven’t got a clue why you’re trying to ruin whatever you want to call mine and Sirius’s relationship, when I can finally just about stand him! Then you go shaking everything up again and –!”
“– Mary,” Alice said, looking over my shoulder. I turned around to find Sirius and James standing behind me.
“Brilliant!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air. “Things just get better!” I said, shaking my head and walking towards the Gryffindor common room (the direction James and Sirius had been going it seemed), which meant I had to walk towards Sirius and James (where had he come from?) who were still standing in the centre of the corridor.
Naturally, because my luck seems to be rather shit, I ended up falling over my own feet in my anger which sent me falling straight into... you guessed it, Sirius (who, by the way, was still topless).
Sirius, being a chaser and all, managed to grab me before I hit the floor. He pulled me up again with his strong arms.
“Tha -” I began, but I stopped as I looked at him. I felt bad then, for him hearing all the previous yelling, because it wasn’t all strictly true. I definitely could stand him. More than stand him it seemed, right at this moment.
His hands were still holding my arms and keeping me upright.
I cleared my throat and was about to thank him when I made the big mistake of looking down from his face to his torso. Oopsie.
I dragged my eyes back to his face (which was harder than you might think) and looked at him.
He was looking at my lips.
Why was he doing that? I think he should stop. I really really really think....
I just ruined my whole dramatic exit by spending about a year just looking at Sirius after just claiming I couldn’t stand him, with Alice, Lily and James watching me.
And he’s still looking at my lips.
“Right,” I said, the thank you I’d been planning on obviously not working. “Good night all,” I managed, but my voice seemed to be rather higher than normal. That’s acceptable I think because he’s still looking at my lips.
I looked away from Sirius, at last, and began walking away again feeling even angrier at myself for just... looking at him? That’s no crime. Why am I getting so worked up about it? It’s fine. Brilliant.
“Mary, I...” Sirius began, and I turned around again to look at him (again). “Night,” he finished after further thought.
I turned around again, blushing red for some unknown reason, and practically ran back to the dormitory.
One stupid dare may have just changed everything.
***************************
“Mary, I’m sorry okay,” Lily said, when she came in half an hour later. I had taken myself to bed and was sorely tempted to pretend to be asleep and ignore her like a baby. “We didn’t realise it would create so much...”
“What?” I snapped, sitting up in my pyjamas.
“Sexual tension,” she finished, and I glared at her.
“There was no sexual tension,” I told her, lying back down again.
“They really was,” Alice put in helpfully.
“He wanted to snog you!” Lily squealed excitedly (yeah, she’s really sorry). “Even after he found out that we told you to do it!”
“No he didn’t!” I snapped, pulling my pillow over my head.
“He did!” Alice added.
“Did you see the way he was looking at your lips?!”
“Yes! I bloody did as a matter of fact!” I said, snapping upwards. “I was kind of there you know! But believe me tomorrow it will all go back to normal!”
“Mary, if you would just accept that you-”
“No! There is nothing to accept! I am going to sleep!” I said, pulling my curtains shut and burying my face in my pillow.
“But he was going to kiss you!”
“So!? I’ve had enough of being kissed for one day,” I said, and my curtains were pulled back instantly, as I’d pretty much expected.
“Someone kissed you today?” Lily asked eagerly. “WHO?!?”
“Na-uh, not telling. You just ruined my life remember?”
“Drama queen!” Lily rolled her eyes.
“My lips are sealed until you make it up to me,” I said, closing my eyes and trying desperately to get to sleep, and not think about that sequence of events in the graveyard which resulted in the former mentioned kiss.
It’s common knowledge that the second you try not to think of something, the more likely you are to think about it.
***************************
I wrapped my arms tight around me and brushed my hair away from my face as it whipped around in the wind. The air was thick with the scent of sea salt, which I had become accustomed to in all the years I’d lived here, but now seemed to assault my nostrils with memories and uncomfortable emotions that could do with staying well inside me. I hated coming home.
I pulled my coat in further around me; the wind was always sharp, whatever the time of the year, here in my hometown.
Caister-on-Sea had never been the most inspiring place if you asked me, and after I’d grown out of the stage where I loved to sit on the rocky beach it had become immensely suffocating. Being at Hogwarts for most of the year meant it was much easier to take, but the first week of the summer holiday was always painfully slow.
I hadn’t expected to be back here for another month, and I hadn’t expected to be walking towards the old church until Christmas Eve. Still, here I was, a month early and for the first time when visiting my mother’s grave, completely alone.
The guilt began eating away at my insides as I was reminded of the fact that I had only visited my mother once a year since her funeral. Even then I was always reluctant to go and instead spent most of the time glancing around at the other graves, waiting till I could leave again. Johnny always complained loudly as we walked about how none of his friends had to go and visit a creepy graveyard on Christmas Eve. Then I’d tell him that none of his friends had a dead mother, just to remind him that Karen wasn’t his mother. Then Dad would tell us both to shut up and would give me a look clearly telling me that I should just let Johnny call Karen mum. That pissed me off.
It was so painfully quiet walking towards the old church on my own. I could hear the wind coming in from the sea, and seagulls, but that was it. I reached the cast iron gate and creaked it open (how cliché? Couldn’t someone just oil it?), and walked towards the centre of the graveyard.
I could recall the exact text on both graves either side of my mother’s with ease, but the exact words on my mother’s were always just on the tip of my tongue, but not quite right.
I found her grave easily enough and stopped in my tracks staring at it.
“Mary McDonald?” a voice asked behind me, and I jumped with shock, resulting in sending myself to the floor in between two graves. “Sorry,” the voice said, and a male in his late teens offered me a hand and pulled me upwards. He was quite attractive. “Should have known...” he said quietly, and I stared at him in confusion.
He hadn’t been here when I’d walked in, had he?
“I’m good at making myself go unnoticed,” he told me, and I looked him up and down realising I recognised him from somewhere.
“Right,” I said, my eyebrows shooting upwards as I studied the lines of his face and tried to work out where I knew him from.
“I used to go to your school,” he explained, like he had read my mind.
“Caister Primary?”
“No, Hogwarts,” he said, and my lips formed an O of surprise. “I was on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team.”
I couldn’t say anything in answer to this because I was too dumfounded. Other magical people? In Caister-on-sea? Huh? “You know, this place actually has a lot less muggles than you realise.”
“You’re Daniel McKinnon!” I realised, glancing back to the grave he was standing beside, to the left of my mother.
Martin McKinnon, loving father of Daniel and Marlene McKinnon and husband to Mandy McKinnon.
“Sorry,” I said quickly.
Then my mind stopped on the name – Marlene McKinnon – she definitely went to Hogwarts!
Is that what connected me and Marlene McKinnon? We came from the same town and both had dead parents buried next to each other? Could Dumbledore really have known that?? Of course he could – he was Dumbledore! Surely there would be more to it than that though?
“It’s okay,” he said, looking away. “I’m sorry too,” he said, gesturing to my mother’s grave. “I’ve wanted to say that to you since you started at Hogwarts.”
“Well, if I’d made the connection I’m sure I would have liked to as well,” I said, feeling stupid for never even considering that there were other witches and wizards here. I just saw it as a tired, quiet, small town in Norfolk – not as a place where other witches and wizards could possibly be!
“Your mother’s grave is very well tended too,” Daniel said, looking over to it, and my breath caught in my throat again. The ring of daises sitting atop her grave just didn’t make sense – no one ever visited this grave! No one! Once a year we went to visit it, and then it was with reluctance and we only looked at the words engraved on the granite for a few minutes before skipping back off home to enjoy the Christmas festivities (well, I attempted to enjoy them most years).
“I don’t...” I stuttered, unsure of what I could say. That I never visited the grave, and no one else did too?
“He always brings Daises,” Daniel said next to me, and I looked at him startled. He? Had mum been having an affair? Was it possible that Dad wasn’t my Dad? Johnny wasn’t my brother? That I had no relatives left at all except this mysterious he who obviously couldn’t give a damn about me!
“Who is –?”
Daniel sighed, and opened his mouth to begin to explain. Then he stopped and looked upwards.
“Mary, do you, by any chance, not want anyone to know you were here?” he asked, and I nodded slowly. Then he grabbed my arm and pulled me behind one of the larger, oldest, graves in the graveyard, slamming his hand over my mouth. “You need to be quiet,” he whispered, and he was the type of person you had to obey. He had that quality that meant you just had to listen to him.
“Who is it?” I mouthed at him, as I watched a back walk towards my mother’s grave. It sent shivers down my spine.
“Your Dad,” he said, almost silently. How could he whisper so quietly? Did he mean that this mysterious ‘he’ who visited my grave was my father? I wanted to stick my head round the side of the grave and take a glimpse at this mysterious dad...
“WHAT?!” I exclaimed, and he slammed his hand over my mouth again and gestured for me to be quiet.
“He leaves the daises of course - Andrew McDonald.” My eyes widened in shock again.
Andrew McDonald.
He cared? He cared enough to leave fresh daises, what seemed like every day? Every day he walked down here on his own to leave flowers on his late wife’s grave?
He actually remembered her?
He gave a shit?
I felt tears trickling out the corners of my eyes, and one escaped and ran down my face. I’d always thought that he’d moved way on with his life, but this? This was astronomical!
“Don’t cry,” he said, his voice soft as I wiped the tear off my face and looked at him. “It’s okay,” he told me, his gaze intense and unfamiliar. “There’s something else I’ve wanted to do for awhile,” he said, his voice getting deeper. Then he kissed me. By all rights it should have taken me by surprise, but it was like I had been expecting this to happen since I fell over at his feet and he knew exactly who I was. That didn’t mean I wanted it to happen by any means, he just...
It was only for a second, but I let him, without responding, and then he pulled away and was just about to say something when –
“Mary?”A voice asked, and I shot away from him standing up expecting to be met face to face with my dad. Instead a different figure stood before me, which filled me with anger and annoyance.
“PETE?” I asked, as I glared at my sister’s ex boyfriend, who I had suddenly remembered the name of. He was the guy who had turned my sister into a mess! Here was the guy who had caused one of the biggest feuds in our family since I could remember
“I thought he was earlier than normal,” Daniel said, standing up behind me (awkward much?).
“You’re an arsehole you know that!” I yelled, advancing towards him angrily. “And what the fuck are you doing here?!?” I asked, mainly because it meant I got away from talking to Daniel because the next few minutes were sure to be immensely awkward. He had just kissed me for Merlin’s sake – and why? I had not a clue but I did know that I hadn’t even attempted to respond so now it was certain the poor guy was feeling hurt or rejected? Who am I kidding? I don’t have a clue what he’s thinking – he might as well be the most mysterious person in the world.
“I -” Pete began, but I cut him off by slapping him round the face. Maybe that was a little... over the top?
“You know what it must have been like for her!” I yelled, and he backed away from me guiltily.
“Mary, you’re portkey’s going to go in two minutes,” Daniel told me, and I looked back at him and bit my lip feeling guilty. He seemed to know who Pete was and understood though, which was... odd.
“Shit!” I said, remembering the good forty minutes it had taken me to walk here (although I had gone as slowly as possible), and wondering how the hell I was going to get there on time. “I’m not done with you!” I snapped at Pete, before racing out of the graveyard, narrowly missing several graves. “And don’t tell anyone I was here!”
“Mary!” Daniel yelled, running after me. “How the hell do you suppose you’ll get there without me!” he yelled, catching up with me easily. “Take my arm,” he said, glancing backwards.
I did so reluctantly and my ears were filled with a resounding crack. I felt like my whole body was being sucked through a tube around the size of a straw, and I collapsed onto the grass, my head spinning dizzyingly.
“Why aren’t you still at Hogwarts?” I asked, after I had recovered enough to speak. There were better questions to ask, definitely, but that was the only one that came to my lips.
“It’s a long story,” he said, as I grabbed hold of the coke can that was my portkey. “I’ll write to you. I have a lot to explain.” I nodded, still feeling dizzy and confused about everything. “Good luck with Black,” he added knowingly, making my head spin more.
I felt the familiar jerk and I was sent spinning into the sky as I vaguely registered that visiting my mother’s grave had not answered any of my questions, but given me more.
I turned over again, desperately trying to sleep and not dwell on the disaster that was yesterday, but there was far too much on my mind for me to get anything resembling a good night’s sleep.
Yesterday’s events at the graveyard were... confusing, to say the least. In fact the whole of yesterday was just this big, odd thing that I didn’t know what to do with. It would be easiest, of course, if things could just go back to normal, and I was going to do everything in my power to get things back that way.
I turned over, and my duvet twisted more around me as I flipped my pillow over to the colder side.
**************
When will Daniel McKinnon write to me?
*************
I stuck my feet over the edge of my bed. I pulled the duvet over them. I moved my pillow slightly to the left. I stretched my legs out till the very end of the bed.
Why can’t I sleep?
************
Who the hell is Marlene McKinnon?
************
I pulled my arms in tight. Then stretched them out wide. Then pushed my duvet off them. Then pulled it back on again.
I was so tired it was unreal, yet the whole night all I’d managed to do is toss and turn. Think about yesterday, sleep for half an hour, wake up, toss and turn, sleep, wake up, turn, toss...
I just wanted to sleep! Time was going so slowly – tick-tocking past at snail speed.
I should really be glad about that, considering that time is supposed to be precious for me.
************
Did Sirius really want to kiss me?
Oh bugger Mary, this is not working. How am I supposed to sleep now?
***********
I glanced at the clock and decided that four was late (or early) enough to get out of bed. I pulled myself up, grabbed my clothes out of my trunk and walked into the bathroom.
I turned the shower up to its highest pressure and heat, and let the water wash over my pale skin. Suddenly I realised how sore some of that skin was. I looked downwards to find, to my horror, that I had a pink burn following the lines of the top I had been wearing yesterday, for a few minutes in the sun (thanks to Lily and Alice). I looked down at my legs to find that they too were tinged with pink, as were my arms. Bugger. My face must look like a beetroot!
I climbed out of the shower and wrapped my towel around me. I walked over to the mirror as quickly as I could to examine the further damage to my face (the original damage being at childbirth), to find that it was indeed a delicate shade of red.
I hate my skin’s intolerance to the sun.
Guess it’s good that I woke up early, I need to put on some serious amounts of foundation.
*******
By the time the others had woken up I had sat in the bathroom for hours, and I had a headache due to an excess of questions and a lack of sleep. The others had woken up all chipper and happy, and now they were all talking about something boring. Apparently, messing up my life puts Lily into a brilliant mood and she was now even having a civil conversation with James willingly.
“So you get up at six in the morning for quidditch practice?” she asked, seemingly semi-interested.
“Yeah, and I make the others get up too,” James said cheerfully, like he didn’t believe his luck that not only was Lily talking to him, but about Quidditch.
“Is there a game coming up?” I asked, and they all looked at me like I was from a different planet. I was expecting some sort of sarcastic comment from Sirius at this point, but none came. I searched up and down our group to find him, only to discover he wasn’t there. Weird.
“Mary, even Lily knows there’s a game coming up,” Remus pointed out.
“It’s Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw,” James told me. “I would say we’d win easily, but they played really well against Slytherin in the last match and won by miles. It’s their seeker, Marlene McKinnon, who’s the real star though, that last catch was -”
“Where’s Sirius?” I cut in, the talk of Quidditch going straight over my head.
“He didn’t sleep well. Anyway, if you remember her last catch! Wowie! She might even be better than me, though I’m not sure, it might just have been a fluke. Then she did seem really skilled didn’t she?”
“No. Not particularly. Wait, who did you say the seeker was?”
“You didn’t think that she -”
“I’m pretty sure she wasn’t at the match,” Sirius said from behind me.
“SIRIUS!” James yelled excitedly. Sirius looked awful (for him). He looked like he’d been dead for several years then dug up, chucked around a bit, then brought back to life, then killed again. James turned back to me.
“You weren’t at the match! How can you not have been at the match!?!?!?” James asked, and I shrugged.
“Quidditch is dull. I don’t do sport.”
“Obviously. Have you seen her in P.E.?” Sirius commented.
“Oi, shut it!” I said, and he grinned, sitting down next to James, two seats further away from me than normal (why do I know that?).
“You don’t like Quidditch?!” James asked, as if it was scandalous.
“The only good thing that ever came out of sport were decent muscles,” I told him, freezing when I realised what I’d said. I concentrated very hard on not looking at Sirius.
“You have to come to our next game!” James ordered me.
“What’s in it for me?” I asked tiredly.
“Quidditch muscles?” James suggested. “Everyone on the team will take their shirts off and show you their quidditch muscles.”
“Ah, but Mary doesn’t need to make deals to get you shirtless, unlike some,” Sirius replied, looking over at Lily and Alice (who had actually told me about the whole ‘let’s trick Sirius’ thing the Marauders had going and their involvement, neglecting to mention any deal, but I had a feeling that I could explain why both Remus and James took their shirts off too), then smirking at me.
“Plus, the shirtless thing is getting old. I’d rather not.”
“Mary, we’re making you come to the next match,” Lily said sweetly. I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Fine, but you can all promise to keep your shirts on.”
“Deal,” James said, grinning.
“No deal,” Sirius said, also grinning.
“Oh?” I asked.
“Well, I would agree but with you around, it might be a hard promise to keep,” he smirked. He was mocking me.
“Well, I promise I’ll be good,” I said sarcastically.
“You don’t have to on my account,” he said, his eyes sparkling.
“How generous of you.”
“Oo! Pineapple!” Lily said excitedly. We broke eye contact as all eyes turned to Lily, who was pilling her plate with Pineapple chunks. She is seriously weird.
“Eww!” I said, backing away from the stuff. “Pineapples are evil.”
“How?” Pete asked.
“I wouldn’t ask if I were you, Mary’s answers tend to be nonsensical,” Sirius said before I could answer.
“Your face is nonsensical!” I said, and he smirked again.
“Thanks for proving my point.”
Yeah, things were pretty much normal. Then...
“Mary,” Sirius said, looking sort of stiff and awkward all of a sudden– something that was unusual for him.
Everyone nearby went silent and watched us ‘discreetly.’
This also meant that a great deal of the population of Hogwarts was watching him, and wondering what could possibly be wrong with him (and who they had to slap for being responsible for it). “C...Could I have my shirt back?” he asked, and I bit my lip. Of course Sirius would be used to the attention and wouldn’t notice it – the fact still remained that he had basically just told everyone that I had his shirt.
I had planned to give it back to him in a more dignified manner (as in, in private).
I pulled it out of my bag and gave it to him. I had been expecting to be able to give it to him during one of the lessons we shared, but he just had to ask for it in the centre of the great hall.
I bit my lip – I needed to say something to get rid of those rumours before they started.
“I’m sorry about last night,” I said, then realised how bad that sounded. “I mean the dare,” I added before realising it did nothing to help the situation.
What else could I say? I’m sorry for seducing your shirt off you? I’m sorry for being really stupid for a dare? I’m sorry for acting like a slut just so I didn’t have to do a forfeit?
None of those sounded apt to me – or non-dodgy.
“No, I mean -” I began, looking around at the others desperately – I needed to say something! “For...erm... taking your shirt,” I finished lamely. “Screw it,” I said, shaking my head in resignation. There was nothing that could be done now. “I mean... look, that offer about being civil, is that still open?” I asked, and Sirius nodded slowly. “Because all this arguing and then... not arguing is just getting stupid. Let’s just agree to be friends?” I asked, and he nodded. I stretched out my hand towards him and he shook it.
“Friends,” Sirius said, but he didn’t sound his normal self. Definitely a shell of the person he’d been yesterday.
“Friends,” I smiled in agreement.
Oh, wait. What did I just do?
Bugger.
“Where were you yesterday?” Frank Longbottom asked me from opposite, restarting the normal conversation and taking the tension away from that awkward conversation (to think I’d thought it was going to go back to normal!). There was a pause where everyone looked at Frank – shocked that he was actually talking.
“Oh, I went to go visit my mum’s grave,” I explained, piling my plate high with breakfast food. “And as the lessons don’t seem to be doing me much good, Dumbledore said I could go.”
“You missed one hell of a P.E. lesson,” he said conversationally. “There was no one there – Quigley was going mad.”
“I bet she was. Who wasn’t there? Wasn’t it just the Marauders and me?” I asked curiously.
“No. Rachel and Charlotte weren’t there either,” Frank said, his voice dropping down to a low sympathetic voice instead. It was then that I realised they hadn’t been in the dormitory yesterday, and I found myself looking up and down the table to find them.
“They were just skiving weren’t they?” Lily asked curiously, and Frank shook his head and looked around carefully.
“I thought everyone knew: Rachel’s dad – he got killed.” My eyes widened in shock, horror and sympathy. “He disappeared about a week ago, but they found the body yesterday. She went home to be with her mother.”
Sirius swore, dropping his cutlery with a loud clang on to his plate. His face had gone as pale as mine normally was, and the other three all turned to look at him as if waiting for him to explode.
“Her Dad was an auror – it was in the newspaper,” Frank continued, looking at Sirius curiously.
“Shit,” Sirius said, standing up. “No!” he swallowed, then practically ran out of the great hall, looking angrier than I had ever seen him. It was like someone had just flicked a switch inside him and now he was seeing red.
“Sirius,” I said softly, standing up and beginning to head off after him. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but all I knew is that I had to follow him and make sure he didn’t do anything too stupid.
“Mary – He’s going to be angry, I wouldn’t -” James warned me.
“I’m sure I’ll manage,” I snapped, hurrying after him. I needed to know what was wrong with him. I needed to know if he was okay. There was some sort of gravity drawing me towards him, and making me want to know what was wrong. It was the same thing that made me talk to him. I couldn’t help it.
“Sirius!?!” I called out into the empty corridors. “Sirius!?” I called out again, more desperate this time. “Sirius?” I asked again quietly. What was I supposed to do now? I had no way of knowing where he would be. The stupidity of my idea was now flooding through my brain – what was I going to say to him anyway? Now I was going to look like a right idiot! Plus I’d just fuelled even more of those damn rumours!
“I’m here,” his voice said quietly, and I turned to see a small gap in the wall. I walked through it and turned a corner in the narrow corridor to find him sitting on the ledge of a window.
“Sirius!” I exclaimed softly, and I threw my arms around him and hugged him. “God, are you okay?” I asked softly.
He didn’t look at me, and just sat stiff as a board staring out the window.
“Are you okay?” I asked again, scared by the expression on his face – every line set into pure hate.
“I’m fine!” he snapped at me, turning away and refusing to look at me.
“Sirius, you’re not and -”
“Leave it Mary!”
“Sirius -”
“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” he yelled, and I flinched backwards.
“Okay,” I said, willing myself not to cry (that would not be a good idea). I stood there awkwardly looking at him and waiting for something to happen, for the lines to weaken, for that spark to light up his eyes again like it normally did.
He cursed again, something dawning on him that made him seem even angrier. I jumped at the shock of it, and it was a few seconds before I realised he had walked off again.
He re-entered the Great Hall with me in his wake and stopped in front of the Slytherin table, the table furthest from us. This confused me to say the least. It was common knowledge that Sirius was not popular among the Slytherins and no one from Gryffindor ever talked to someone from Slytherin. Especially not in the midst of the great hall.
“Reg!” Sirius yelled, walking over where a dark-haired, pale-skinned boy in the year below sat, whom I knew to be Sirius’s brother. “I need to talk to you,” he spat, making it clear that he didn’t want to talk to him any more than Regulus wanted to talk to him.
Regulus turned around slowly and looked at Sirius as if he was a piece of dirt, no, worse, like he was a piece of someone else’s shit that had somehow ended up on a piece of his fine clothing. I also noted that although Sirius’s uniform was most definitely expensive, that Regulus’s was another thing altogether! It was clear that his had cost at least twice as much, and he had that air about him that showed he had been doted over, which Sirius definitely didn’t have.
I’d never really believed that Sirius’s family was really that bad – I thought he was exaggerating, but it seemed that it was worse than I could have possible imagined. I figured they just didn’t get on, that it was more that they didn’t tell each other every little detail about their lives, but instead I could now fully believe there were death threats flying around to be taken as seriously as James’s Quidditch training.
“I have better things to do than talk to scum like you!” Regulus Black said, standing up to face Sirius. He was scrawnier than Sirius and hadn’t been blessed quite so much in the genes department – his face seemed to be a lot weaker than Sirius’s, or maybe it was to do with expression or even just the view of him I already had set in place. In any case Regulus Black wasn’t half as good looking and appealing as Sirius was. Still, he had above average looks.
“And you think I don’t?” Sirius snapped.
“Sirius, please!” I exclaimed, trying to pull him back from his brother before he did anything too drastic.
“I’d listen to your slut if I were you,” a Slytherin boy snapped, also standing up behind Regulus.
“SHUT THE HELL UP!” Sirius yelled, glaring at the boy with more hate than I would have ever imagined possible. He grabbed the collar of the boy who’d called me a slut and looked ready to punch his face in. Suddenly the Marauders were behind us too and several more of the Slytherins stood up.
“Sirius,” James warned, and Sirius took a deep breath and pushed the Slytherin boy away from him in disgust.
“Look, I just want to talk to Reg – so get off the offensive and don’t aggravate me,” Sirius said with more control now, but he was shaking with anger. The Slytherins drew their wands out at exactly the same time the Marauders and me did – not that my wand would do a fat load of good. Except for poking one of them in the eye or something daft.
“No,” Regulus Black said carefully. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Well I have a few damn things to say to you!” Sirius exclaimed.
“I wouldn’t suggest you say any of them in front of your new toy,” Regulus said, taking a step forward. “Pretty thing,” Regulus mocked – I glared at him fiercely. “Wouldn’t want her getting hurt would we?” he said, running one of his fingers down the side of my cheek.
I felt more hate pulsing through my veins than I’d ever felt before, as I faced someone who was supposedly Sirius’s flesh and blood being so damn cruel. I thought my family was bad but this was taking it to another level! I could never have imagined such hate from blood relatives. I wanted to open my mouth and give him a piece of my mind, but it was clear that this conflict was a lot bigger than me.
Sirius grabbed his brother and had his wand pointing at his chest when the teachers, finally, came to intervene. You’d think considering the Great Hall was full of teachers one of them would have made it down to sort it out before they’d even started talking.
I didn’t hear what McGonagall or Slughorn said, or the number of detentions I received because I was too concentrated on the words Sirius said to Regulus so quietly that no one but me and them heard. “Meet me after dinner, alone, or I’ll tell her everything,” Sirius said, before turning away still shaking.
“He won’t hurt you,” he turned around to me. “They won’t hurt you,” he said, his eyes blazing. “I’ll make sure of it.”
I just nodded. How could I disagree?
All I knew was that I had to follow Sirius, and find out what the whole thing was about.
*********
“Mary?” Nate said as I walked into the Hospital wing. “You haven’t been here for ages; I’ve been beginning to think you’ve been avoiding me.” Well, I have. Only a little bit though...
“Nope, not at all.” I smiled. “Just been busy, ‘tis all.”
“Yes, I’ve heard,” Nate said, raising his eyebrow. It was only now that I was realising how little I had been seeing of Nate, which was strange considering that every night last year I spent at least an hour writing out a letter to him, to receive my reply in the morning post. Now my visits to the hospital wing, and to Nate, were a lot less regular. “Anyway, I was going to come find you soon. I need to talk to you.”
“Oh?” I asked, sitting down on the hospital bed I always occupied when I was here.
“Yeah. You’re going home for Christmas aren’t you?”
“Merlin,” I said, thinking about the joy that would be Christmas. “Yeah, guess I have to.” That’ll be a happy occasion – my last ever Christmas.
“Good, because I’m going to be working at St Mungo’s research department in the holidays. I’m joining the team working to cure Ephaiyadaphia. See if I can help.”
“You mean the cure that would save my life, that’s going to be ready in two years time, which I would have lived for, except for this speed up that means I only have five months to live?”
“Yes,” Nate said simply. “I was thinking, given that I’m an Ephaiyadaphia specialist and I handle the only two cases in the UK that I might be able to help.”
“Yeah, probably. They don’t need any testing or anything?” I asked, eagerly.
“You can’t, sorry Mary, but your body is too weak now. If it went wrong, it will really go wrong. We are testing on the other person at the moment, but soon he’ll be too weak. We have three other potential cases who we might be able to test on soon, but there’s going to be a wait.”
“I don’t care! I want to help! I really want to help!” I protested.
“No Mary.”
“Please, I’m dying anyway, so...”
“You don’t understand, people have died because a little of it was just slightly wrong.”
“But it wouldn’t happen to me!”
“Mary, your mother was supposed to live another year. She was taking part in the testing program; they gave her a spoonful too much potion and then the next day...”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, tears trickling out the corners of my eyes.
“I didn’t know,” Nate said, shaking his head. “I always wondered why she died so suddenly, then when I signed up to the program...”
“Okay,” I said quietly. Maybe in another six months she would have told me she was dying, maybe I could forgive her that much.
“Next, I have to take your blood test again to see if you’ve gotten any worse and also, have you had any new symptoms?”
“Yeah, the baldness has been coming on really strong these past new days,” I told him, and he laughed.
“Wait a sec, what’s up with your skin?”
“Nothing,” I said, turning away from him and jumping up. He’d kill me if he knew I’d been in the sun without my sun cream on.
“No it isn’t,” Nate said, coming closer to me. “You’re burnt!” He claimed, and I sighed.
“Yes I’m burnt. I didn’t put sun cream on quick enough yesterday.” I sighed, letting him examine the red skin on my arms.
“But, that shouldn’t have burnt you,” Nate said, shaking his head. “It wasn’t the sun; it was a micro climate so there were no UV waves; I checked. What else did you do yesterday?”
“Erm... I went to go visit my mother’s grave,” I said, and Nate looked at me sharply. I hadn’t told him about it.
“How long were you outside for?”
“A few hours,” I said. “Are you saying that I got burnt from the weather in Norfolk in November?”
“Yes,” Nate said, sighing. “Here.” He passed me a potion from the cabinet. “Rub it on the burns before you go to bed, and it should be all right. You need to make sure you don’t go outside for longer than half an hour without factor eighty on.”
“Factor eighty!” I exclaimed as he passed me another bottle. “Great. Now I’m going to be even paler!”
“You haven’t been doing anything else stupid have you? No yelling? Running?”
“Erm...”
“Mary! What have you done in the past two days which could have damaged your health?” He asked and I looked downwards towards the floor.
“Erm... Well. I yelled, ran, side along apparated, took a portkey, got pushed in a lake, pushed someone in a lake, yelled a bit more then didn’t sleep and got up early. Among other things.”
“Mary!” Nate exclaimed exasperatedly pulling a sheet of paper out of my file. He grabbed a pen and crossed out the number five, and replaced it with a four.
Now it read four months to live.
I swallowed.
I stared at the piece of paper, and that month that had just been written off my life. All because of two days.
“You’re not taking this seriously Mary! You need to take it easy!” he said angrily, stuffing the piece of paper back into my folder.
I couldn’t breathe as I replayed the moment in my head and saw the five being crossed off again and again. Four months. Four months! Four months!
“And why the hell did you have Sirius Black’s shirt?” he asked, and my gaze snapped up to him. Oh, so that’s what this is about?
“Take a guess,” I spat, standing up.
“Are you completely thick? You are kidding me aren’t you? You can’t honestly say that after everything I told you about not over doing anything that you went and -”
“It was a dare!” I snapped, glaring at him. His eyes widened even more at this comment (probably not the best choice of words). “As in I was dared to get his shirt! That’s all okay! I’m not a bloody -!”
“And how did you get his shirt then!?” he asked, angrily.
“I told him that I was dared to get his damn shirt and took it!” I yelled. “Now if you’re done. I’m leaving!”
“Mary,” Nate said, his tone changing as I marched towards the door. “Mary! I didn’t mean it like that!” He called after me, but I just walked out without turning around.
*********
“She slept with Black, did you hear?”
“Which one?”
“Both.”
“No way!”
“Yes way! That’s why they were arguing in the middle of the great hall. McDonald chose Sirius over Regulus, and then Sirius got so mad at him because he’d been dating Mary when he slept with her.”
“What a bitch!”
“Precisely, it’s her they should be mad at!”
“Maybe Sirius needs someone to get him over the heart break?” one of the girls asked, applying lip gloss. I wondered how long it would take them before they realised I was actually also in the toilet, but this conversation had been amusing me so far, therefore I’d stayed quiet up until that point. Now I couldn’t hold myself in any longer.
I snorted.
All three of the girls turned to look at me and their plastered faces turned pink under the layers of foundation (which, by the way, was totally the wrong colour).
“I’m sure he’ll manage just fine without you,” I said condescendingly to the girl, as she put more lip gloss on until she had more gloss than lips.
“You’re a dirty slut!” her friend said. She was skinny and had blonde hair that was slightly out of control.
“That’s original,” I said dryly, moving over to the mirror to examine my reflection. “Really witty. Are you in Ravenclaw?” I asked sarcastically.
“No. I’m a Gryffindor,” she spat at me, trying to raise herself up to my height but failing miserably. I snorted again.
“What are you, like 12?” I asked, pulling my lip balm out of my pocket and applying it.
“What are you, like ugly?” said the third one, who had before now stayed silent.
“Well,” I said, moving away from the door. “I may be hideously ugly, but I’m the one who slept with both Blacks. So screw you small children!”
I found myself cracking up in laughter as I walked out into the corridor and SMACK.
“Sorry!” I apologised to whoever it was I’d just walked into. “Oh hey Sirius,” I said, realising who it was. I had a feeling he had been listening to the conversation, because there was a grin plastered on his face and his eyebrows were raised.
Suddenly all three of the girls had burst out of the toilets and started strutting.
“Been beating up second years again?” Sirius asked as they walked out, one with only one eye with makeup on, and the blonde one having so much lip gloss on that it was dripping off her lips. It didn’t help that the stuff was an extraordinary shade of pink that only a model could pull off (and this girl was no model).
“Actually Sirius, I’m a fourth year,” the blonde one said, batting her eyelids.
“Seriously?” I asked, because she sure as hell did not look 14. She gave me a dark look. “Have fun with puberty,” I said, turning around and walking off, dragging Sirius with me. He seemed to have enjoyed that argument far too much.
“So you slept with me huh?” Sirius asked as we lined up for Defence against the Dark arts.
“Oh shut it, we don’t need anyone else believing that!” I snapped, my anger at Nate still at the front of my mind.
“Doesn’t bother me,” Sirius shrugged.
“Yes well, you’re not the one being called a slut are you? In fact people would be confused if you hadn’t slept with someone, yet when someone sleeps with you they’re a slut or a whore!”
“But you didn’t sleep with me, and it’s not true, so why does it matter?” he asked, and I considered the point carefully.
“Because it does!” I answered lamely.
“That’s not a reason,” Sirius informed me.
“Well,” I said, unable to think of anything witty to say.
“Good comeback, well done,” Sirius said, giving me a round of applause.
“Shut it.”
“Again, you never seize to amaze me!”
“It’s coz I’m freaking awesome.”
“Well of course I know that.” He raised his eyebrow at me. I snorted, which only made Sirius smirk more.
“It matters because it matters to other people,” I said, going back to the previous comment.
“Name someone who it has mattered to.”
“Those girls!” I said, gesturing backwards.
“The ones in Nursery? You don’t honestly care what they think do you?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head indignantly.
“Okay, well name someone who you care about, who cares.”
I didn’t say anything, although my brain was screaming NATE.
“See, there’s no one!”
“Nate,” I said without thinking. “Nate cares. He was just yelling at me about it,” I said, my lip quivering involuntarily.
“Seriously?” Sirius asked, annoyance flashing through his face. “He yelled at you about some stupid rumour?”
“No. He yelled at me because I had your shirt, and gave it back to you in front of the school!”
“Oh, he thought...”
“Yes!”
“Sorry. I didn’t think.”
“It’s fine! It’s him I’m angry at anyway!”
“Sure,” Sirius said, drifting off into thought. “As we’re now officially friends,” Sirius said, with forced cheer, “How about you play exploding snap with me later?”
“Yeah okay, sounds good,” I said nodding, a smile threatening to appear on my lips.
But then I guess it’s time to face up to it – I don’t hate Sirius Black.
“Oh, I have to ask you something,” I said, suddenly remembering.
“Sirius, you know everyone at Hogwarts right?”
“Well...”
“Okay, so you know every female in Hogwarts, yeah?”
“Definitely.” He nodded confidently.
“So, I have a question.” I bit my lip, wondering if this was a good idea. “Who is Marlene McKinnon?”
Sirius grin disappeared and he looked at me. “What do you know about Marlene McKinnon?” His intense gaze bored into my skin as if this was the most important thing in the world.
“Nothing,” I said slowly.
“Well, then she’s just a normal Ravenclaw girl with average E/O grades, she’s friends with Amanda Brocklehurst and Nadine Fisher. Her favourite subject is charms and she plays quidditch.”
“Jees,” was all I could say in answer. “Did you sleep with her or something?”
“No,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “Off limits.”
“Huh?” I asked, but he didn’t elaborate.
“Guys!” James yelled, bounding over to us. “Did you see this morning? Lily talked to me!” he said in a hushed voice. “So Mary, I need more of your help!”
“Good luck,” Sirius said, clapping me on the shoulder before leaving rather hastily, turning around to smirk at my discomfort on the way out.
Biatch.
*******
“Right. I’m off to go... to the library,” Sirius said, standing up at the end of dinner. I looked up at him quickly knowing that he was going to meet his brother now, which I was positive he hadn’t told the others.
“The library?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow. “You expect us to believe that you are going to the library?”
“Yes,” Sirius replied simply.
“You don’t do books!” Lily protested.
“Who said I was going to the Library to read?” He asked, doing that annoying wriggling eyebrow thing (which he hasn’t done for a while).
“You disgust me,” I said, standing up and giving him a scathing look. “Have fun,” I said giving him a sarcastic wave, before turning around and stalking out of the Great Hall. Naturally this was a perfect time to exit: who would think that the person following you, left before you? Plus the others would buy that I simply got pissed at Sirius’s attitude to girls, especially after last night’s whole... thing. We don’t need to think about that though, do we? (the answer begins with N and ends in o fucking way).
Sirius came out of the Great Hall a few seconds later and began walking down a corridor to the left that I’d never been down. He glanced at a piece of parchment in front of him then took a left turn. I followed him, trying my best to stay in the shadows and out of his sight.
He turned left, right, and then left again. Up a flight of stairs, down a corridor until I lost track of where I was, and almost lost him a couple of times. Then he stopped in what was quite possibly the darkest corridor of all time.
“Reg?” Sirius asked and Regulus Black seemed to emerge out of the shadows and into the light, which made Sirius scowl.
I needed to hide somewhere if I was going to listen to this without being seen. I looked around and found what looked to be a broom cupboard to my left. If I could just get in... I inched my way along the corridor as quietly as possible while still trying to listen.
Yes! The door was already open!
“What do you want Black?” Regulus asked, and I slipped into the cupboard and sat down, pressing my ear against the door.
“I want to talk to you about this,” Sirius said, obviously holding something up that I can’t see. “Why the hell didn’t you tell her we’d broken up?” Sirius snapped, sounding angrier than ever.
“It’s not my fault!” Regulus said, equally as angry. “You were the one who told her you were serious!”
“Only to wind her up!” Sirius snapped. “Only to get her angry, there was no need for lives to be lost!”
“If you’d -”
“Regulus! This is serious okay, she murdered her father! You need to send an owl to her right now to tell her that we broke up!”
Oh my god.
Sirius’s mother killed Rachel’s Dad.
Shit.
“Why the hell should I?” Regulus asked, angrily. “It’s your own damn fault!”
“Just do it! Do it or I swear to you I’ll tell her! And do not mention anything to her about Mary!”
My breath caught in my throat.
“You wouldn’t tell her,” Regulus said, and his voice was almost pleading. “You would never!”
“Why the hell not?” Sirius asked, his voice calm, but holding as much anger as before. “You don’t seem to get this. My ex-girlfriend just lost her father, because you decided not to tell mother dearest that I was through with her!”
“I didn’t think it was important okay!” Regulus defended, his voice weak, as if he felt tremendously guilty. “I didn’t think she was serious when she said she was going to do it!”
“Neither did I,” Sirius said quietly, shaking his head. “I won’t tell her about Marlene,” Sirius said, shaking his head (or at least I imagined he was doing so). Marlene???!?! Marlene McKinnon!?!?!? “You know I won’t,” Sirius said, his voice now calmer and holding some form of affection and companionship towards his brother. I could almost feel Regulus’s relief. “But you need to get out.” Sirius said, his voice sharper again.
“I don’t need to get out of anywhere!” Regulus snapped.
“Yes you do! You need to get out of this crowd! You need to avoid getting involved with Voldermort! You have to make sure he doesn’t recruit you...” Sirius stopped suddenly. “He hasn’t, you haven’t, no!”
“You’re actually surprised?” Regulus questioned, with a dry humour in his voice. “You’re surprised? He’s recruiting Sirius, and you’re next on the list.”
“I’m not on any bloody list!”
“Just because you’re a bloody traitor doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you on his side. As a spy probably.”
“Well Voldermort can piss off.” Sirius commented darkly.
“The Dark Lord doesn’t appreciate being rejected.”
“Definitely a good match for Bella then.”
“Sirius, you’ve got to take this seriously. He... he... he’ll kill you!”
“I got that bit. But to be frank, I don’t need to take warnings from you. Tell mother that me and Rachel broke up, and do not under any circumstances mention anything about Mary to her, then my mouth is shut about McKinnon.”
So it was Marlene McKinnon! Regulus Black and Marlene McKinnon?!?!
“So you and McDonald are...?”
“No,” Sirius corrected him. “She’s... my friend. I don’t want her to get hurt.”
“You know I’m not the only one she gets information from,” Regulus said. “She’ll find out.”
“I know,” Sirius said.
There was an awkward pause as they both seemed to realise that they had nothing more to say to each other.
“Take care Sirius,” Regulus said, but it seemed to be hard for him to get the words out.
“Yeah, you too,” Sirius said in the same awkward fashion. Then I heard footsteps disappearing and I let out a slow breath.
“ARGHH!” Sirius’s voice yelled angrily, and the wall vibrated as if it had just been thumped. He swore, and cursed loudly but then his footsteps too began retreating.
I hadn’t realised I’d been crying silently till I found myself completely alone with the knowledge that the reason Rachel had lost her father, was simply because Sirius had told his mother he was serious about her, to wind her up.
I was shaking as I stood up and began to walk away slowly.
*******
I sat in the common room and pulled out my quill, beginning to write. My hand was shaking as I formed the words, and it was all I could do to stop myself from crying, or yelling or both.
Hi Dad,
I just wanted to apologize about treating you and Karen sort of badly, I’ve been talking to someone who really put my family problems into perspective and I think maybe I’ve been a bit immature. It’s just it feels like you’ve all forgotten mum, and I can’t, especially now I’ve only got-
“Only got what? Three boobs?” Sirius said, and my heart literally stopped beating as I turned around to find him there, just when my hand had been about to form the words five months to live. My short fuse due to lack of sleep, unanswerable questions and frustration at Nate already had me to the end of my tether but the fact that he had almost just found out everything sent me over the edge.
“Don’t read my personal letters!” I yelled, standing up and glaring at him with all the intense fury that was burning within me. He looked at me in shock, given the fact that I had suggested being friends only that morning, and had seduced his shirt off him the night before, and was now looking at him like he was the subject of all the hate I possessed. “My personal life has nothing to do with you!”
I knew I was being a bitch. I knew full well that I was kicking him while he was down – he had just had one of the most horrific conversations I had ever heard. Then here I was yelling at him when I should be doing the nice thing and helping him out.
But I just couldn’t.
I looked downwards to find that by standing up I had tipped all the ink over my hands. I wiped them on my shirt angrily leaving black trails all over it.“Arghhh!”
Maybe it was because I finally had to accept that I had been wrong about Sirius’s family, and should probably take back and apologise for every little thing I’d ever said about them. Or maybe it was because this immense guilt with everything else was making it so hard to keep in control of my emotions.
“Why would you stand above someone and read what they were writing?!?!?” I asked angrily, fully aware that I was not using the required force. The letter was now crushed in my hand as I glared at him, so much anger filling me up.
“You’re hiding something,” he said simply, but I knew him well enough now that my words, or more the way I’d said them, had ticked him off.
“SO WHAT!?!?” I yelled angrily, all of these emotions and things spilling over the surface and getting me angry at completely the wrong person. I should have yelled more at Nate, at someone who actually deserved it. Instead Sirius, who had been tolerable and actually all right today, was receiving all my anger, and now I couldn’t stop the words spilling out. He didn’t need this right now. What he needed was a hug.
“Why is it any of your business? We can’t stand each other! So why are you trying to find out everything about me!?! So you can torture me! Because you’re already doing it by just standing here!” I screamed at him, and he took a step backwards.
“As long as I know where I stand,” Sirius said, his voice half joking, half full of hurt. “Cause here I was thinking we’d agreed to be friends only this morning!”
The whole common room was staring us at us now, but I barely even registered they were here. In my world it was just me and Sirius.
“Yeah, well it’s obviously harder than I realised! Guess I should have foreseen it though, given that it’s you!”
“Why the hell are you yelling at me? You’re not even angry at me for Merlin’s sake! I haven’t bloody done anything!” he said heatedly, his ability to be right only making me even angrier at him.
“Your presence is enough to DRIVE ME OVER THE EDGE!” I yelled, and he laughed humourlessly.
“Oh for fucks sake!” he exclaimed angrily.
“What? What is your problem?” I yelled, knowing full well I had no point and was just digging around for an argument just to vent my frustration at the whole world.
“Why do I even bother with you Mary? You are so not worth the effort!” he yelled, his voice rising in volume by an extraordinary amount. “All you ever do is just get so angry at everything for no bloody reason and yell at the first person to do something that you don’t like even a tiny bit because it makes you feel like you have a bit of power over your life. It’s PATHETIC!” he yelled and my breath caught in my throat for a mere moment as I cursed myself at how well he seemed to know me.
“I’M PATHETIC? WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GREAT? AND YOU’RE NOT! YOU’RE JUST A STUPID MAN WHORE WHO THINKS IT’S OKAY TO MESS WITH PEOPLES LIVES! THEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW PEOPLE WHEN REALLY YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT, AND -!”
“ -WELL YOU’RE JUST SO INTENT ON MAKING SURE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU EXIST THAT YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU ACTUALLY USED TO BE A NICE PERSON, AND NOW YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE DEFINTION OF THE WORD!”
“Sure I know the definition of the word! IT’S THE OPPOSITE OF YOU!”
“Oh ha ha, how bloody HILARIOUS!”
“SEE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO! SAY SOME STUPID SARCASTIC COMMENT BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU’RE SO CLEVER AND THAT EVERYONE FINDS YOU FUNNY, WHEN REALLY YOU’RE JUST A BIG COWARD! AND YOU ONLY SAY THOSE STUPID THINGS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY HOW YOU FEEL! BECAUSE YOU DO CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU BUT YOU’D RATHER BE SEEN AS THIS STRONG PERSON WITH NO FEELINGS WHO’LL SLEEP WITH ANYONE THAN WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE! WHEN REALLY YOU’RE JUST HIDING BEHIND ALL YOUR CHARM AND WISECRACKS, AND YOUR QUIDDITCH MUSCLES AND GOOD LOOKS -” I screamed.
I wanted to yell at him forever. There were so many things that I wanted to scream at him for, but I couldn’t because I was cut off by Sirius Black’s lips coming crashing down on to mine.
A/N – EEEE! We’ve finally got here! (I had this bit planned since the beginning) Please don’t kill me. I have nothing else to say (I know, wow, the author has finally shut up after 11000 words!) Except....
QT
What do you think Mary will do?
What do you think Sirius will do?
What do you think Lily will do?
What do you think James will do?
Alice? Rachel? Peter? Remus? Nate?
Basically, what do you think is going to happen next.
Thank you very much, and goodnight (it’s midnight again!).
I love you all + thank you to whoever nominated me for a Dobby, and thoes who have voted for me. You almost made me cry with happiness :D
Xxxxx
(PLEASE REVEIW)
A/N - So, the authors being a little mean here... Sorry about that, it just fit better this way round. This was a hard chapter to write, and I know it's shorter than what your used to but it's not too short.... I hope you don't hate me or any more characters at the end of this chapter. Hey humm... Btw everyone, thank you so much for all your reviews on chapter 15 (theres so many!) and 16, but that's only just been validated this morning. Also, check out my Meet the author page because it's all lonely :( Thank you for voting for me in the Dobby's, it's closed now, but thank you all :D
Severus Snape’s P.O.V.
“So, what happened with your brother yesterday?” I asked, looking around the deserted common room and feeling awkward.
“Nothing!” Regulus snapped, screwing the piece of parchment in his hands into a ball and chucking it into the flames. “It wasn’t my fault! He shouldn’t have told her that-”
“Look. You seem to be labouring under the illusion that I actually care, even slightly, about your business with your brother, Black,” I said smoothly.
“Then why did you ask?” He snapped.
“Because, for some reason, I was completely positive that you were going out tonight,” I said, leaning back on the chair restlessly. “Otherwise I would have requested to go along with them, if I thought I’d be stuck with you in a bad mood.”
“Shut it Snape,” Black snapped, glaring at me, his eyes flashing in the darkness of the Slytherin dungeons. The common room had got darker over the years as more of the candles were dimmed until now it was impossible to do any homework without the light of your wand. The idea was that we became more used to dark spaces – Voldermort – but it only resulted in further distrust between us, as anyone could be listening from anywhere. Today was the exception to that rule.
Everyone from forth year and above had been called to a meeting: except me and Regulus. I had a feeling that I was actually called to this meeting, but Bellatrix had delivered the message through the flames in the fire in the Slytherin Common room, and she harboured an extreme distrust for me ever since they discovered I was friends with Lily back in first year.
Regulus’s loyalties were also coming under question due to the little scene with Sirius in the Great Hall.
Enquiries were being made, and questions asked, but I had assured him he was not at fault, and that he should just tell the Dark Lord the truth as he definitely did not have the skill to keep it hidden from him. My skills far surpassed his in that particular area, as it did in many areas.
Regulus Black was all together unremarkable. Sirius Black, on the other hand, was less so. The dirty blood traitor had natural flair for pretty much everything he did, along with the ability to make people trust him, and angry enough to be cruel on occasions. The Dark Lord knew this well and knew that Sirius Black was the brother he wanted on his side – I hoped he refused. I couldn’t stand the sight of him on our side.
I looked down at my expensive new robes and breathed in the smell of wealth. I was going to live like the stuck up purebloods one day – with their houses and portraits and clothing. I was going to get out of Spinners End, as sure as hell I was. A spark of excitement shot through me and I found my lips twisting up slightly. That was what was important. I was going to make Tobais Snape pay for every little thing he’d ever done.
Then a niggle of doubt sprung up. I tried to brush it away, knowing it was irrelevant and stupid, but I couldn’t.
Soft skin brushing against my hand – green eyes dancing with laughter – red hair fanned out, framing her head – that was doubt. Doubt was Lily Evans.
Your friends are just mean, Sev! Sure Mary’s not the best, but compared to Avery!
I sighed and flicked away the memory angrily.
She had kissed me for Merlin’s sake.
I sat up straight, refusing to think of that – I was not going to let anyone know about that, ever. Even if I was dying, I wouldn’t say a word. No one would know about it. They couldn’t.
My whole life plan could have shattered in that single moment if someone had found out. I was ashamed of it, but more ashamed that it had confirmed what I had been trying to deny since third year: I was in love with her.
I tightened my fists by my sides and shook my head angrily, but I couldn’t help it.
She was beautiful.
Lily’s skin had always been freckled since she was tiny, but back then the smatterings of brown had blemished her pinky-white skin. In the year since then they’d faded softly which made them subtle and her face much prettier. Then there were her eyes – a perfect almond shape, with the emerald green irises framed by her shorter-than-average eyelashes. Then her red hair simply set everything off fantastically. It fell around her face and gave her face more colour and interest then she’d had previously. In autumn it turned a slightly darker shade of copper to match the surrounding change of the colours. Her lips were small and pink-tinged, and when she smiled two dimples appeared on her cheeks. Still, it wouldn’t have mattered to me if she had no eyes or nose, because it was who she was.
Lily had three different laughs.
Five different smiles.
Nine different ways of walking.
Sixteen expressions.
Twenty moods.
She was naturally bright and clever, yet still took detailed notes and played by the rules for the most part, but when she was completely comfortable with the people that surrounded her she’d forget the rules and just have fun.
She was fiercely kind and loyal to the point of stupidity. When she made up her mind that was it. If she decided she was going to do well at charms, you’d better bet she would. Her determination was one of the many things that I had been positive would get her into Slytherin.
She always smiled. She could always come up with something uplifting and optimistic even if she felt rubbish. She’d always put other people’s problems before her own, and she could talk, and complain, for England when she got going.
When she was comfortable in your presence she’d do the things no one would expect of her: act childish, goof around, break the rules, laugh without caring and even start admitting those people who got on her nerves so much she wanted to punch them in the face.
I was losing her and she is getting ruined.
Mary – fucking – McDonald. Charlotte – bloody – Jones. Alice – freaking – Prewett. Rachel – bloody – Moss.
Mostly I blame Mary McDonald.
“Black. I thought you were going out?” I asked, looking up at him indifferently. He was going to see his girlfriend, Marlene McKinnon.
It has always amazed me how they managed to get together as a couple. So ridiculous was the pairing, not in an “opposites-attract” way, but in a “why-would-they-even-meet” way.
She was blunt to the point of rudeness all the time. Always ready with something degrading and disheartening to say, although she rarely meant a word of it to be taken to heart, her blunt and cynical views imbedded deep within the way she saw everything. Instead of being cruel she was brutally honest. Talking was like breathing – it had to be done at all times. She could ramble on for hours, but she had the quality that many ramblers lacked, she made it interesting for hours and hours. She observed everything, between all that talking, and had an accurate grasp on more or less everything, tainted only by her scepticism and her habit of thinking the worst of people. Because of this you could listen to her for infinite amounts of time and she’d still make sense, without adding unnecessary embellishments and frills to the words she said. She did not do frills – that point was clear as soon as you laid eyes on her.
She wasn’t pretty. Pretty and words like cute had probably induced a scowl from her since she reached her sixth birthday and decided she couldn’t waste her time on such things. She couldn’t, however, be considered as unattractive; all her features were attractive and overall her face held no remotely ugly features, the word pretty just didn’t fit. She wouldn’t want to be pretty in any case, pretty was girly, and that cutesy nonsense was one of the many things that tried her patience (I have to agree with her here, those pretty girly girls always just annoyed me, not that I’d have a choice anyway. Slytherin doesn’t produce those kinds of girls, only Hufflepuff did).
She’d prefer to be classified under stunning, a term she’d find much more appealing. She had caramel skin, which she had naturally no matter what season, and bronze tinted hair that fell around her face and curls, her cheek bones sharp under her skin and her eyes wide and brown. With so much brown surrounding her, it would have been easy to call her boring until she spoke. The minute she spoke it was clear she was something special, even if she only commented on the weather. Marlene was not someone to mess with.
She never got angry, or so I’d seen, but she was never happy either; always a scathing indifference to the world.
Regulus on the other hand used words reservedly and only when it was completely necessary. He could sit in silence and ponder for hours on end with no need to speak. If I was from a different house and saw him afar I might think him to be a mute rather than just a person who kept silent at all times. I’m sure he learned this behaviour from living in the Grimmuld place – Black would have no doubt voiced any little thought that came to his head and at first his parents lapped it up. Sirius was going to be a pureblood prince. He was going to be the most desired pureblood in the whole of Slytherins history. He had the looks (apparently), the brains, and the charm. Then he got sorted into Gryffindor.
My face twisted to a smirk even thinking about it – the arrogant prat. If he had been in Slytherin life would be very different, but as it was Sirius Black was a traitor, practically homeless and at least had something to deflate his astronomically large head.
In any case – Regulus then strived to be the opposite of Sirius, as well as being Sirius at the same time, to please his parents. That meant he was almost silent and only spoke when spoken to. Except when he was angry and the real Regulus Black came out and he talked a hell of a lot.
When with Marlene he talked marginally more to make her shut up, but I’d only seen them together once (spying on Regulus for blackmail material), so I couldn’t really judge their relationship except to be disgusted by it.
Marlene was a blood traitor – hanging around with the dirty muggles and treating them as if they were friends. It made me cringe just thinking about it.
“Why do you want me to go out so much? You’re up to something?”
“I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about,” I lied easily, raising a black eyebrow at him. “You’re getting more and more like your brother with this arrogance. I merely thought that I wouldn’t be burdened with your delightful company for so long.”
“I was going to meet up with her,” he said, glancing around. “But she wasn’t there.” His face settled into a frown again.
“Ah,” I said simply, sitting back into the comfort of the chair. It wasn’t particularly comfortable, in all honesty, the Dark Lord thought it was best if we didn’t get used to so many comforts and luxuries. “Have you tried looking for her?” I asked, knowing that if he didn’t get out of the common room soon then I would never be able to go through with my plan.
The plan was crucial.
“No,” Regulus snapped, his arms crossed across his chest as he looked up to the ceiling. I glanced up there myself to see if anything had changed in the intricate design of snakes and daggers that twisted its way across the ceiling in green and silver. One snake, the one with the longest tail, had moved slightly so that he was more twisted around the point where the chandelier hung scattering sparse silver light across the room. It had been dimmed recently and now only three of the candles were lit. The smallest snake was now asleep and the thinnest had disappeared all together.
“Well, why don’t you?” I asked, knowing my behaviour would definitely have aroused suspicion by now. Still, Regulus wasn’t a threat to me, since I knew about Marlene, so even if he followed me I could simply blackmail him.
Blackmail – that’s the basis of my plan. Simplicity is the key.
“I’ll look like a prat on my own,” Regulus said, still staring at the ceiling as the fattest snake, with a black eye, snaked its way down the side of the wall and towards the floor.
“Look, I’ll go with you,” I said, standing up. “I’m not putting up with you here for much longer.”
Regulus regarded me suspiciously before nodding.
Thank Merlin.
**********
“You smoke?” Mary’s voice asked, surprised, as two figures came into view.
“Nah,” Marlene said from where she was standing, leaning against the wall and looking like some kind of model. “They smell bad and the health issues creep me out, but I’d just like to hold one. You know what I mean? It’s like alcohol isn’t it – can’t stand the taste and the fact that it destroys your liver and makes you do things that you wouldn’t normally do, but just holding a glass bottle and drinking from it always makes you feel so much more confident. Ah crap. I was meant to go meet...” she began, playing with her brown curls distractedly, but stopped when she looked up to see to the pair of us standing there.
Black’s eyes lit up beside me and I found myself sickened. How could he be so attached to someone who spent half their time with dirt and filth? Then Lily’s name flooded into my mind and I pushed it back angrily.
“Reg!” she exclaimed, standing up and beaming in the same love-struck fashion. This is as lovey dovey as you’ll ever see McKinnon – it’s not her style.
I moved my attention away from McKinnon and Black and instead looked at McDonald. Looking at the other two gave me a sickening lurch in the bottom of my stomach, which made me feel jealous, guilty, hopeful and disgusted at exactly the same time. McDonald’s blue eyes met mine and she looked at me as if I was something unpleasant that she didn’t want to think about. Then the anger replaced all the other emotions and I found that I was more accustomed to that, and I liked it just a little more than the other concoction of feelings.
“Reg, this is Mary. Mary, this is Regulus Black,” Marlene said, back to her normal, grating voice and pointed between them both. Beside me Regulus was panicking, but I kept my eyes on Mary to keep the anger there. I’d need it to do what I was about to do.
“Take a calming draft Reg,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes at him. “She knows.”
She knew? Now that’s a turn for the books.
“What? How? I swear if Sirius has -”
“Nope,” Marlene said cheerfully. “Mary here was eavesdropping earlier. Maybe you should be a bit more careful next time?” she said in her sugary sweet voice. “Considering if anyone else had been listening you could have blown this whole operation.”
“So it’s not now that this piece of trash knows?” Regulus asked, shaking with anger beside me.
So she’d eavesdropped? For someone so stupid she’d done something fairly clever.
“Don’t call my friends trash,” Marlene said, glaring at him. “Because I don’t really think you’re in a position to talk. In any case, I know Mary won’t tell because her secret is die-abolical. Also, you’ve told your friend,” she said, gesturing towards me. A sense of grim satisfaction spread over me as I remembered how angry Regulus had been when I found out.
“Plus, I have no interest in getting innocent people killed,” Mary said, glaring at Regulus. The little bitch was good.
“Whatever,” he said, giving up and turning away from Mary and back to Marlene. “You’re forty minutes late,” he snapped, the sweet bit done and dusted for now. Marlene rolled her eyes dramatically.
“You’re always late. And you were late first. I waited for fifteen minutes and got bored. How about you take some of your own medicine once in awhile, instead of acting like an arse all the time?! How about breakfast this morning, was it necessary to make such a scene? No, all you had to do was -” She continued lecturing him, slipping her arm through his and dragging him off down the corridor.
“McDonald,” I said, nodding to Mary and seeing what reaction I got back. I was expecting her to give me the finger or stop yelling, but instead she nodded her head in return. I was surprised by her blasé reaction to me, when I was sure she hated me, when she leant back against the wall and sighed. It was then I noticed she had been crying – I walked away slowly, trying to observe as much of her behaviour as possible, as it would certainly be useful tonight.
“Mary!” a voice yelled, and Lily came haring into the corridor. “Oh. Sev.” She turned to look at me, and the world stopped moving as her green eyes locked onto my empty black eyes. I found that I couldn’t breathe. She flushed red and turned away quickly. “Mary! Everyone’s been worried sick! And you smell revolting!” she exclaimed, standing back again. “Have you thrown up?”
“Yes,” she snapped in retort, as I left hearing distance.
Mary didn’t deserve a friend like Lily. That was the long and short of it.
It was all Potter’s fault. The dirty blood traitor. If he hadn’t decided that this was the year to pretend not to act like such an egotistic prat then Lily would never be spending time with the bloke!
It was McDonald’s fault for being so involved with Black, meaning that Lily ended up spending far too much time with Potter.
It was his stupid’s friend’s fault for somehow getting him to change his ways and it was Lily’s fault for forgetting her judgement. James Potter is a prat! A complete dick! He doesn’t deserve her!
I took a deep breath in and went over my plan so I didn’t got to angry at the mudblood loving traitor.
Mary McDonald was as stupid as hell – holding a private conversation about her life history in the midst of the great Hall? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Of course she hadn’t known that I’d been listening to the whole thing undercover and was hatching plans against her – of course she hadn’t. She was that stupid!
I could still her soft voice carrying across to my hiding place.
“Then mum died. She got bad...”
The problem with that was for a moment I thought that was all – that that was her only dirty secret. Then my whole plan would be foiled and everything would go to shit.
Lily would change immensely, like she was doing now, I’d lose whatever hold I had on her right now. She’d fall in love with Potter and they’d get married and have children.
I couldn’t live if that happened. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch that.
She kissed me for Merlin’s sake – that must mean something right?
All I need is a bit of leverage, and Mary McDonald is going to provide that for me. I pushed open the door of the hospital wing and grinned when I discovered that there was no one inside. Here seemed to be the logical place to start for blackmail material – I’d seen how thick her file was and the way it just sat on the top of the cupboard, but not collecting dust like the other ones. Then she spent so much time in here!
All I needed was leverage!
She was fucking the nurse, or there was something in that file she wasn’t telling everyone about – either way it would save my relationship with Lily. All I needed to do was make sure I had Mary McDonald in the palm of my hand – then I could manipulate her into making sure Lily and Potter never got together. I’d start by just threatening her. Then I’d begin making demands when Lily and Potter got too close. The answer to everything was in the file now only inches away from my hand.
I grabbed it from the row of folders and pulled it into my chest, remembering how it had felt when Lily had kissed me.
This was going to solve everything.
A/N - Soo... ;) Well, the next chapters written and editted (thank my new beta for the correctness of the grammar and shiz, I haven't got better at it overnight damnn...). Please ask me questions at my Meet the author page, so it's not all lonelsome. It's 7 days to my birthday now, that's a bit exciting. I'm rambling so really I should shut up....
Also just wondering, as my question time this chapter, I'm curious as to whether there's any guy's reading this? I doubt it, but I just thought I'd ask, as I can't think of any other question to ask (in my defense it's really early in the morning...)
Thank you guys. Please reveiw!
A/N - Yo guys, hopefully this is another quick update, although they maybe slow after this one as the next chapter's only half written and I've been having a bit of trouble with the next chapter. Tis my birthday tommorowsss and I'm feeling a bit morose, you know? like it's another year just gone that I'll never get back. I really shouldn't be, I'm still a teenager! I should be all YAY Birthday but hey hum.... just thought I'd ramble on there for a bit. Thank you guys for voting and nominating me for the Dobby by the way - maybe next year? ;) Well, I'm done rambling now, I have to go put icing on my birthday cake.... Love you all xxx
“It’s taking everything just to breathe, breathe, breathe..."
Breath slow – Alesha Dixon
Oh. My. God.
My brain switched off for a moment before telling me I should really push him away immediately, but it seemed now wasn’t the time. My brain wasn’t going to start listening to the rest of my body, every particle of which had decided that actually this kiss was a good idea. Then, without really meaning to, I grabbed the top of his shirt and brought his body closer so almost our whole bodies were pressing against each other, while kissing him with as much force as I possessed.
He tasted of summer. That was the first of many ridiculous thoughts that were spinning through my head. I could feel the warmth of him spreading right through my body like Butter beer, with the addictive burn of fire whiskey, which was altogether rather intoxicating.
Sparks of some form of energy or other were being produced by his lips it seemed, and the whole sensation was just utterly electrifying. I lost control over my brain and all rational thought as Sirius pulled me closer. I could feel all his muscles under his shirt pressed against me and my hands somehow ended up round his neck and I was pulling him towards me so he couldn’t move away, even if he tried to (which seemed unlikely at that time).
My mind was clouded in a haze of sensations and feelings as he intensified the kiss and sent further explosions down my spine, to the very tips of my feet (don’t even ask me how because I don’t have a clue). He felt like he was several degrees warmer than me so I was incredibly aware of his hands on my skin and generally his skin on mine, and his hot breath as he moved his lips away from mine for just a second to breathe. I found that I was entirely breathless and pulled his lips back to mine before he had a chance to realise that (because it would only make him more bigheaded), when it suddenly dawned on me that I was kissing Sirius.
That I was really, really kissing him.
I shoved him away from me immediately and looked at him, completely and utterly shocked.
I blinked.
Sirius took a deep steadying breath and seemed to be waiting for me to be saying something – anything. My lips had stopped working and were frozen in an O of shock. I didn’t have any words to say in any case; I was well and truly speechless.
So I just stared at him. Taking in every little detail of his face and searching for all the emotion buried in it. I blinked twice, trying to take in what had just happened but not really comprehending it – did I just snog Sirius Black?
Sirius was still waiting for my reaction to this, this, this... thing. His eyes filled with anticipation and fear.
He opened his mouth as if to speak, and then shut it again without saying anything.
I blinked.
“Mary -” he began, after opening and closing his mouth like a fish several times. “I...” He continued and then stopped.
Then I was still there just staring at him.
Do something! Snog him! Slap him! Yell at him! Just something!
Then I did the worst thing I could possibly have done: I started to cry.
It reminded me of those stupid books – you know the ones. The ones where the Heroine was a teenage girl, with a screwed up family. Her dad had died/left/had an affair/ never known her. Then her mum was struggling to make it by becoming ultra busy with work/her new friends/gardening. Her sister, it was always a sister, who used to be crazy had settled down and was about to get married/went to college/got a serious job. Then her friends, none of who appreciate her, were heartbroken/fed up of her/non existent/ fell in with the wrong crowd. This girl had had enough; she’d had enough of all of it because she was the one making sure that her mum was okay while her sister was her annoying selfish self with her mad ideas and stupid obsessions. She had to hold herself in, to keep the family together, even though it was killing her. Everything was moving on without her, and she’s the one still living in the past. Then she’d get so fed up, and she’d snap, she’d snap and yell at all of them. She’d finally cry. She’d tell them how she damn well felt, and they would understand. There would always be a guy, somewhere within the plot line, but he always had issues/a girlfriend/a prison sentence but in the end he’d realise that he loved her (after screwing her over or the other way round) and pronounce this to her. Then they’d put the past behind them and everything would end up just fine. She’d take up that hobby she used to do back before things had got so screwed up, and her and her boyfriend would do whatever-it-was together.
Well this wasn’t like that. Sure, I was that girl, but then I didn’t keep things in, I cried all the time and it didn’t make a difference. I didn’t have a wild sister. I had a sister that used to be wild, but sometimes she’d be so depressed that she couldn’t get out of bed, she just lie there doing goodness knows what for hours and hours on end; not eating, not anything – she couldn’t physically do it. Then it was my mother who was dead, not my father, and she hadn’t died from a random heart attack she’d died of a terminal disease that she hadn’t told me about. Then my friends cared, far too much, they cared and they wanted to know all these things that I was keeping inside but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell them, it was just impossible, and no guy, no new event was going to change that. Dad and Karen were having a new baby, they were replacing me and that was that. Becky had gotten better, but then she’d got worse again. That never happens in those books. Relapses are unheard of.
Then there was Sirius. If it was one of those books, I’d be head over heels for him and couldn’t stand to be without him. He’d saved me like I used to believe he would and we’d go skipping off into the sunset. Instead, I didn’t even like him; he drove me insane - completely mad. I couldn’t put up with him for that long, sure he was pretty funny but his mood swings would get me so pissed off, and mine did the same to him. We simply are not compatible. Then he’s a womaniser with no heart. All that’s there is a physical attraction which even I can’t deny. He’s good looking (aren’t they always in these stories?) but that’s that.
The thing is though, even if Becky settled down and got married, even if I told them all my problems, even if I had that breakdown (or maybe I’m already having it) and told them all what I thought, even if Sirius and me were perfect for each other and fell in love instantaneously and started flying around the lake on our broomstick together one fact would still remain that would ruin everything.
I would still die.
It would all still be over in five, no four, months time and there’d be no happily ever after. I wouldn’t be able to put all those past experiences behind me because they’d be all I had left. There’d be no future.
Then what?
If it was one of those sad books, that’s where the book would finish, but in reality it carried on and on. Dad would lose his daughter. Lily and Alice would lose their friends. Ria, Johnny and Becky would lose their sister. Then, if it was one of those stories and me and Sirius ended up together (not happening), then what would he do? Move on?
Surely that meant the whole thing would be pointless in any case. In fact, not just pointless, but going backwards into everything being worse for everyone. That’s why I needed to keep my resolve up, that’s why I needed to keep people at arms length so it was better for everyone when I was gone.
Before, I had been so sure that I didn’t want to be forgotten, that I’d forgot about what it felt like to be left behind. Maybe my first act of kindness would be keeping myself away from all of them?
Of course I didn’t see Sirius kissing me as anything more than “his ways”, and impulse taking over. Maybe he thought that I was attractive, (Doubtful) but that was it. That was all there was. So it was fine. Good. Great.
The point of the matter was that this kiss had woken me up from the slumber I’d been in previously. I hadn’t realised. I hadn’t seen.
Now I could see the entire picture as clear as day: my life was insignificant now, and that’s the way it had to be. Letting people close to me and enriching my life isn’t what I should be striving for. I shouldn’t be trying to fall in love, make friends, get people to like me. I should disappear back into the folds of life and let myself fade slowly into the blackness.
I’d been doing it so well with my family, they mostly hated me in any case, and without my presence the house would be undoubtedly more peaceful. Sure they’d missed me for a while, I was their flesh and blood, but the new baby would be born soon, and then all their time would be taken up with that. They’d be cooing over it at my funeral. That was fine.
Sirius, whatever was going on with him right now, would be fine. He’d go back to his womanising ways by next week, if I could just disappear, he’d be happy enough and eventually he’d find a girl that he wanted to cling onto enough.
Lily and Alice were easy, they’d have each other as friends and that would be okay. Alice would come out of her shell more and everyone would realise that she wasn’t quiet; she was just reserved with her words. They move on. Alice would get back together with Remus at my funeral (grief brings people together). Lily would cling on to James and they’d be inseparable. Sirius would tell Rachel why her dad died, so Rachel would hate him and scream and yell. Sirius would realise that he loved Rachel after all, that when she wasn’t trying so hard she was perfect for him, but Rachel would be having none of it. Sirius would win her over in the end, he always did, and they’d get married and have lots of children like he always wanted.
It was all going to work out perfectly for everyone.
Except me.
But my life was insignificant now.
Just a drop in the sea – a leaf on a tree – just part of the background. That was my place.
The tears were rushing down my cheeks now in tidal waves as I looked downwards, then refocused my eyes and saw Sirius still staring at me. Sirius looked alarmed by my reaction (as if girls didn’t always cry once he snogged them), and I realised that I was being incredibly and unexplainably odd. I needed to say something. To explain. At least to tell him that it was okay, that I’d just go disappear now, that he wouldn’t miss me.
I’m dying Sirius.
You don’t want me.
I took a step backwards from him as the tears came tumbling down and for a moment it felt like I was in one of those books, one of those films, where everything goes slowly and the music starts as I realise exactly what to do.
The epiphany came as soon as I realised that in the room were not just Sirius and I, but almost every single person in the entirety of Gryffindor, who were all watching and had been since the very beginning.
My eyes widened in panic.
Then I ran.
**************
I had been planning on running to the hospital wing, crying and crying to Nate when I realised two things in quick succession. One, that I was still mad at Nate and two that I was incredibly pathetic. There was a reason why all these rumours about Nate and me had been circulating around – it was not normal to have a twenty four year old as a confidant. It’s time I faced up to the truth, no matter how ugly it was, because lets face it, it’s as ugly as hell. I needed to get grip on my own life and learn to deal with all this without him. He didn’t care anyway. It was just his job.
Instead I was just running for no reason down corridors, hoping to avoid everyone as I realised I had just kissed Sirius Black in front of everyone. Everyone! The rumours were gong to be astronomical and impossible to disappear away from, which is what I wanted to do so badly now. I’ve had my time in the light, now let me disappear again.
People can forget me if they want! Just make them all disappear!
“Shit, sorry!” I exclaimed through my tears as I slammed into someone. I noted the person had Ravenclaw robes on, had gorgeous brown curls, and looked slightly familiar but I expect everyone looks familiar when blurry through tears as all her features distorted into a blob.“Sorry! Sorry!” I exclaimed again, though my voice was thick and unnatural because of my tears. “I didn’t mean to...” I began, my head spinning in circles as I blinked to get the tears out of my eyes, so I had a chance at finding out who this girl was. Then it hit me.
“You’re Marlene McKinnon!” I announced, shocked at finally coming face to face with this girl who seemed to be cropping up everywhere. She seemed to have some immense significance, as Dumbledore had said, because it seemed I just couldn’t get her out of my head without something reminding me of her. Again, this is like one of those stupid books where I run into the only person who will understand or something like that. Fate intervening and all that crap.
“Yes.” She said, obviously confused by the fact that some weird girl just ran into her whilst in floods of tears. I would be confused too in all honestly. Especially I was now looking at her as if she had brilliant significance to my life. As if this meeting had been intended the whole time.
“Sorry, Sorry,” I said again (I may have been a tad hysterical). “You just keep cropping up everywhere!”
“How do you know me?” She asked slowly.
“Your brother kissed me!” I declared, far too loudly and hysterically. I needed to calm down. “He knew who I was! Then... in the graveyard. Sorry about your father. My mother too. Gravestone! Daisies! Then I fell over and... then I eavesdropped! Sirius! Then Regulus and you! Then... Quidditch! DUMBLEDORE!”
“Okay.” She said slowly, sounding more than a little scared. “Would you like to talk?” There it was. She was going to sit me down and make everything make sense. We’d become best friends forever and we’d understand each other completely.
“Sorry! Sorry!” I apologised again. Then I began crying again.
“Oh, you’re Mary McDonald. That explains it,” she said, looking at me carefully. She knew who I was! She knew.
“HOW?” I wailed.
“I’ve heard about you, now come on. We need to talk,” Marlene said, pulling me into a disused classroom and sitting me down on a seat. “I think you need to calm down,” she informed me.
“But... but.... but...!” I began, and she grabbed my shoulders and shook me.
“Merlin’s saggy balls! Snap the hell out of it!” she ordered, and I stopped crying instantly. “Thank you. Now, why don’t you start from the beginning, and tell me what the hell is wrong with you, then you can tell me why the fuck you know about me and Regulus,” she said, smiling sweetly.
Maybe not.
I breathed a sigh of relief. This was more like my life, running into a complete bitch after a crap experience.
“I eavesdropped on Sirius and Regulus’s talk!” I said, the hysteria coming back despite the calming relief that my life story hadn’t just turned into a really predictable book. “I listened, and then I yelled at him, but I didn’t mean too! Shit, he’s going to die!”
“For the sake of Merlin’s Pants can you please calm down! No one is going to die!”
“I AM!” I wailed, then put a hand over my mouth. “I didn’t say that! Shit!”
“Mary, everyone is going to die eventually,” she said, looking at me calculatingly.
“Well I’m going to die in four freaking months!” I cried, half expecting time to slow down again in this moment of extreme weirdness, with actual sincerity coming from me. I began imagining the name of this book as I waited for the words of wisdom that would save me to come from Marlene McKinnon’s mouth. It would se something arty like In my time of dying... too cliché maybe. Something to do with breathing maybe?
“Well fuck,” Marlene commented. “That’s got to suck.”
Oh. Well, that wasn’t exactly what I had been expecting...
My mouth dropped open as I realised what I had just done – blab to a complete stranger for no damn good reason, except that I thought for a few moments that she might fix my life, that this might solve everything. It really, really didn’t. A wave of nausea settled over my whole body and my head was spinning dizzyingly. The world was spinning so fast that I couldn’t see.
Then I threw up all over the floor.
Perfect.
“Eugh!” Marlene exclaimed, jumping backwards quickly. “Can you not?” she asked, as I emptied my stomach onto the floor for a second time, feeling as disgusted by myself as she obviously would be.
“It’s not exactly a choice!” I yelled, clutching my stomach and feeling rather crap as all the food I’d eaten in the past month or so came right back up (exaggeration, I know).
“Well it’s disgusting,” she said, pulling back my hair so it didn’t get in the way. “And I suppose you’re expecting me to be sympathetic at this point? Because let me tell you it’s not going to happen. You got vomit on my shoes.”
“You’re a bloody witch! Just magic it off!” I exclaimed, throwing up again.
“You do it! It’s your own fault!”
“I can’t do magic.”
“Then get the hell out of Hogwarts!”
“Fuck you,” I said angrily, finally recovering from my vomiting spree. “Its part of the whole dying thing – I’m weak.”
“Well I can see that,” she said, eyeing the pile of sick with repulsion. Then she waved her wand and it disappeared. “Why don’t you want to stay at home rather being stuck in this dump?”
“Being at home? I wouldn’t last the four months. I’d kill myself!”
“Amen to that,” Marlene said, pulling me up. “Let’s get out of here. It reeks of vomit,” she said, giving me a dark look.
“Well I’m sorry,” I commented sarcastically.
“See, that’s better. At least now you’ve shown some manners. That might quite possibly be your first redeeming quality.”
“Well at least I’m one up on you,” I snapped back, liking this girl less and less.
“Na-uh. You get minus fifteen for being hysterical, kissing my brother, having the hots for my boyfriend’s brother, throwing up on my shoes and stinking of vomit!” she said, before speeding off ahead.
“Hey! I do not have the hots for Sirius! And your brother kissed me! I didn’t kiss him!”
“Whatever. I don’t actually care. As long as you keep your fat mouth shut.”
“You don’t have to be a bitch you know!”
“Ever heard of the phrase practice what you preach?”
“Marlene!” I called after her. “I’m sorry, about your Dad.”
She stopped in front of me and turned around slowly.
“And I’m sorry, about your mum, and about you dying and that,” she said reluctantly. She obviously didn’t like apologising much. “And I’m sorry you got stuck with the stupid, slutty brother,” she added, her smirk sliding back on to her face.
“I’m sorry you got stuck with the cowardly Death Eater brother,” I said, smirking back at her.
She looked me up and down, and walked back to me.
“Truce?” She suggested reluctantly, holding out her hand.
“Truce,” I said, shaking it.
“Oh Merlin’s beard! You’ve probably just infected me with your vomit germs.”
“Well you’ve probably just infected me with your bitch germs.”
“Honey, you were already infected.”
“Yeah well, I have bigger boobs than you!”
She turned around, and then she was laughing, really laughing. She looked much prettier when she laughed, not that she didn’t look pretty anyway.
“You’re not so bad you know, once you get over the smell,” she said, smiling at me.
“No comment,” I threw back, still glaring at her.
“Take a calming draft or something. You seriously need to get those emotions of those in check.”
“I’ve had a bad day!” I defended. She shrugged and raised an eyebrow for me to continue with the story. I chose not to.
“Fine. But you know I’m going to win,” Marlene said simply. “I thought Gryffindor were supposed to be brave?”
“How would I know that you’re going to win?” I asked angrily.
“Tomorrow is the anniversary of the first time my mother tried to kill herself, and my brothers birthday.”
“Maybe I should send him a card,” I suggested grimly.
“Here’s to the shit that happens,” Marlene said, raising her arm as if holding a glass.
“Cheers,” I said, clinking my own imaginary glass against hers.
“Arghh, it’s at times like these I could really do with a cigarette,” Marlene said, leaning against the wall.
“You smoke?” I asked, surprised. Ravenclaws were normally the goody goodys weren’t they? I suppose that Marlene McKinnon didn’t fit your average Ravenclaw bill.
“Nah,” she said. “They smell bad and the health issues creep me out, but I’d just like to hold one. You know what I mean? It’s like alcohol isn’t it – can’t stand the taste and the fact that it destroys your liver and makes you do things that you wouldn’t normally do, but just holding a glass bottle and drinking from it always makes you feel so much more confident. Ah crap. I was meant to go meet...” she began, playing with her brown curls distractedly, but stopping when she looked up to see to figures standing above us. “Reg!” she proclaimed, standing up and actually seeming pleased to see him. It surprised me slightly as I found it hard to imagine her being excited about anything.
Regulus Black was accompanied by Severus Snape, and I found myself pushing back the images of him and Lily which always flooded my mind when I thought of him. It seriously grossed me out.
“Reg, this is Mary. Mary, this is Regulus Black,” Marlene said, back to her bored voice. It was clear from Regulus’s expression that he was panicking about my presence, considering their relationship was a big secret, which could result in his and Marlene’s death (or so I’d gathered), and now this random girl that was friends with his brother, that his girlfriend had never talked to before, was here.
“Take a calming draft Reg,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes at him. “She knows.”
“What?” Regulus snapped, glaring at me, as he had done before. “How? I swear if Sirius has -”
“Nope,” Marlene said cheerfully. “Mary here was eavesdropping earlier. Maybe you should be a bit more careful next time?” she said in her sugary sweet voice. “Considering if anyone else had been listening you could have blown this whole operation.”
“So it’s not now that this piece of trash knows?” Regulus asked, still obviously as angry as hell.
“Don’t call my friends trash,” Marlene said, glaring at him. “Because I don’t really think you’re in a position to talk. In any case, I know Mary won’t tell because her secret is die-abolical,” she said, emphasising the die, although it was subtle enough that no one else would notice. I was still amazed that she’d referred to me as her friend. “Also, you’ve told your friend.” She said gesturing towards Snape. Regulus scowled, it was clear he’d found out the same way I had at some point.
“Plus, I have no interest in getting innocent people killed.” I glared at him. Regulus squirmed slightly and looked away.
“Whatever,” he said, giving up and turning away from me. “Your forty minutes late,” he snapped to Marlene.
“You’re always late. And you were late first. I waited for fifteen minutes and got bored,” she said, rolling her eyes. “How about you take some of your own medicine once in a while, instead of acting like an arse all the time?! How about breakfast this morning, was it necessary to make such a scene? No, all you had to do was -” she continued lecturing him, slipping her arm through his and dragging him off down the corridor.
“McDonald,” Snape said, nodding at me. It was then that I realised his eyes had remained fixed on me the whole time, as if he was searching me for something.
“Snape,” I nodded to him in return, still leaning against the wall and taking a deep breath, not at all ready to go back to the Gryffindor common room yet.
Snape was lingering too, still searching me, but eventually giving up and starting to walk away in the direction of the hospital wing, which could also be the Slytherin common room for all I knew.
“Mary!” A voice yelled, and Lily came haring into the corridor. “Oh. Sev,” she said, as he turned to look at her. The colour in her face reddened slightly, and she turned to me quickly. “Mary! Everyone’s been worried sick! And you smell revolting!” she exclaimed, standing back again. “Have you thrown up?”
“Yes,” was my short reply, as I pushed myself off the wall and began walking past her in the direction of the common room, Lily following me as I went.
“Did you make yourself sick?” she asked cautiously. I’d forgotten they all thought I was Anorexic.
“No!” I snapped, turning back to glare at her. “I just was.”
Lily didn’t seem very convinced by that, but she was distracted by Alice coming onto the scene. Given that Alice was a lot shorter than Lily she’d taken longer to get here. Alice was amazingly short, and she had the perfect curvaceous figure to go along with it, but it meant she wasn’t so hot at running.
“Mary, are you okay?” was Alice’s contribution to the conversation, as I continued to walk past them as quickly as I could.
“Yes.”
“But you just -” Lily began – again lacking subtlety – but I could still sense her concern.
“-Lily! Shut up!” I interrupted. “I just needed to go for a walk!”
“And make yourself sick,” Lily muttered.
“I did not make myself sick!” I snapped again. “It’s not something I enjoy doing! Flobberworm,” I said to the fat lady.
“People aren’t just sick for no reason!” Lily pointed out as I burst through the door and turned around.
“For the last time Lily. I did not make myself sick!” I yelled at her, before realising, once again, there were quite a lot of people around. Why am I such an idiot?
“You found her then?” James asked, as Lily and Alice followed me into the room.
“Yeah, how did you where she was?” Lily asked, and James shrugged.
“You stink,” Peter told me. I glared at him and began storming my way up the girl’s stairs.
“Where are you going?” James called after me.
“For a shower!” I snapped, not turning around.
“But Sirius needs to talk to you!”
“I have nothing to say!” I yelled back, before barging into the Dormitory. “Oh, you’re back,” I said seeing Rachel, red-eyed and hair returned to brown, sitting on her bed looking through a magazine and looking completely dead. “I’m sorry,” I said softly, and she shook her head at me.
“You of all people should know that I don’t want your sympathy!” she snapped, and I nodded, walking over to her bed, where I hugged her as tightly as I could to my chest. She leaned back slightly and didn’t seem to care that she used to hate me. She just needed the comfort, and she knew that I understood what it was like. Rachel was the girl from the book now. Rachel was the girl with the happy ending, eventually, but that wouldn’t help her now.
It was a few minutes before she spoke and again a moment of great significance to me was shattered.
“You smell awful!” she exclaimed, sitting up. “Have you been sick?”
“Yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I was just coming up to have a shower.”
“Well if you need to vomit again, don’t do it our bathroom,” she said, “’Cause I am not sleeping in this room if it stinks of –“
“Got it,” I said dryly, banging the door of the bathroom behind me as I climbed in under the water.
This was going to be some screwed up book.
************
For once I didn’t dream, but I wasn’t surprised, it was almost like I was expecting it to happen. I felt like I was in a dream-like state; like an out of body experience where I saw things with far too much clarity, and emotions didn’t affect me as much. Everything was building and building, it was all a matter of when I was going to crack, but at the moment it was almost peaceful - like seeing the bigger picture.
I’d always thought that this was the feeling you got before you died, but maybe it came when you accepted your life had no significance to the world now, that’s when you really received the gift of understanding.
The only thing ruining this dream-like state was that I had a splitting head ache.
I got up early and had a shower, trying to wake myself up, when a wave of nausea hit me and I realised I was going to be sick again. I couldn’t go to this toilet. Rachel would kill me. I was already dressed, so I grabbed my school bag and ran as fast I could to the next set of toilets. It certainly made me feel even more nauseous.
I eventually got there, after what seemed like hours, and burst through the door and into the first cubicle.
Shit, I had told Marlene that I was dying.
I had kissed Sirius.
“Oh my gosh, are you alright?” a voice came, and then someone was holding back my hair as I chucked my guts up into the toilet bowl. I vaguely registered it was Amanda Brocklehurst again (did she ever leave the toilets?) and wished it had been anyone else, just because then it wouldn’t be the second time she’d seen me thrown up, and I’d never even talked to her. “Rhubarb again,” I spat out, in between waves of vomiting, remembering telling her that I was allergic to the stuff.
“At breakfast?” she asked. Damn her for being clever.
“Rhubarb and custard sweet,” I told her, standing up slowly and flushing the toilet feeling very faint. “Thought it was strawberry and cream, woah,” I said, as one of legs gave way underneath me.
“You need to eat!” She exclaimed, putting her arm around me after I had wiped my mouth clean. “And here, this will get rid of the smell of vomit,” she said, pulling out a perfume bottle and spraying me with it.
“Thanks,” I said weakly, as she half supported, half dragged me over to the Gryffindor table where she sat me down opposite Sirius, Alice and Lily. Greeatt.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked, her eyes full of concern. “Oh my gosh. You’re not pregnant are you?” she asked, and Sirius dropped his cutlery. Great.
“No!” I exclaimed angrily. “Do I look like I’m freaking pregnant?” I snapped, wanting to stand up to face her. “Is my stomach that freaking big?” I asked her angrily. “Do you think I’m that much of -”
“Sorry!” Amanda said, her eyes wide. “I didn’t mean to-”
“Hello Mary,” Marlene said, coming up behind Amanda. Oh yeah, they were friends. How that worked I did not know. “Been throwing up since I last saw you?” she asked, and I scowled at her.
“This was the girl who threw up on you last night?” Amanda asked, looking at me with concern.
“Yup, me and Mary are besties,” she said, raising an eyebrow at me.
“She’s the girl that threw up on me, like a month ago, and then again this morning!” Amanda exclaimed. “Are you sure you don’t need the nurse?”
“For fucks sake,” I said, standing up angrily. Then my legs gave way again, sending me back to the seat with a jolt. This was not turning out to be a good morning.
“I’ll get Nate,” Alice said immediately, as my vision went blurry and I grabbed the side of the table like my life depended on it.
“No, no, I’m fine,” I protested. “Just need to lay off the Rhubarb.”
“You need to eat,” Lily said sternly, and I blinked again twice. I may have just confirmed her whole Mary makes herself sick theory. Well great. That could get old fast.
“Oh, ooh,” Amanda said, catching on to apparently what was wrong with me. Marlene just sat down next to me, shoving Lily out the way unceremoniously and grinned.
“So I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” Marlene said, cheerfully. “And I want you to buy me a new pair of shoes.”
I picked up a piece of toast from the table and raised my eyebrows at her. “Not bloody likely.”
“Okay, let me rephrase that, you have to buy me a new pair of shoes because you threw up all over mine.”
“How about you just take a pair of mine?” I suggested, and she looked down at my feet and shook her head. “Nu-uh. You might want to look like your dressed as a house elf, but I don’t.”
“House elves don’t wear shoes you thicko.”
“Well then, their footwear is officially better than yours,” she said, smiling sweetly.
“Mar, come on,” Amanda said. “Stop being so horrible, don’t listen to her, you don’t have to buy her new shoes.”
“I know,” I said, glaring at her as I stood up.
“Sorry about calling you pregnant, I didn’t mean, I mean I didn’t -”
“You called her pregnant? That’s hilarious!” Marlene exclaimed, as Amanda apologised over and over again, whilst Marlene dragged her away.
“You know Marlene?” Sirius asked, and I nodded, not wanting to say anything. “Didn’t you ask me who she was yesterday?” Sirius asked, but I pretended I hadn’t heard and continued eating my toast without saying a word.
The others were all watching me in silence as if I was some form of alien, and I realised that I had pretty much successfully managed to push them all away without doing anything. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing anymore.
The Marauders came down a few minutes later as we all sat in an uncomfortable silence, with all of them watching me.
“Morning post,” Pete commented unnecessarily, to fill the silence. I looked upwards to see the owls flooding in, then back to my toast where I continued to eat. I was incredibly hungry given that I’d thrown up all the food that had been in my stomach. So I was on my fourth slice of toast by the time I noticed the owl flying towards me holding a letter. The owl was jet black and I didn’t recognise it, or the handwriting. Still, I pulled it open and scanned to the bottom to see the name.
Daniel McKinnon.
“Oh who is it?” Lily asked. “That’s not Dirt,” she said referring to the family owl. “Oh my god! Is that from the guy who kissed you on Wednesday in the graveyard?” she asked eagerly.
“Lily!” I hissed angrily, glancing at Sirius. He made no reaction outwardly except for his eyes flashing angrily. “Do you have to be so inept? But yes. It’s from Daniel McKinnon.” I said, grabbing another slice of toast.
“He’s in the year above isn’t he?” Alice asked, curious.
“He left. Hence the letter. He said he’d explain everything to me, like how he knew who I was. His dad is buried next to my mum,” I explained cautiously, keeping one eye on Sirius for a reaction, but not finding any. So the whole kissing thing had obviously been a mistake. Well that’s comforting.
Annoyance shot through me instantaneously and I grimaced into my toast.
So he thought he could just kiss me, for no damn reason? Just so he could say that he’d snogged every single person in the year or something? Maybe he’d thought that if he kissed me once, that I’d just melt into his arms like some stupid plastic –
“You look like you’re about to murder someone,” Charlotte said, sitting down at the table near us with Rachel by her side. “It doesn’t suit you, it gives you dimples.”
“Now it looks like I’m going to murder two people,” I snarled, glaring at her.
“Someone’s PMSing,” Charlotte suggested cheerfully, making Rachel smile somewhat. That was good at least. Still, Charlotte was being damn annoying.
“Did you just growl?” Pete asked, from across the table. I glared at him. He shut up.
“Feisty,” Sirius commented, probably not being able to stop the words from coming out of his lips no matter how hard he tried. I turned the full anger of my gaze at him. Given that it was his fault, it was less likely to induce guilt. Not that I was guilty about snapping at Charlotte, more Pete because he did only ask a perfectly reasonable question in his eyes. To everyone one else it’s like asking someone if they’re in a bad mood, you just don’t do it. Or implying the person is in a bad mood, because that’s not going to make them in any better shape to answer the question – parents always do that.
“What’s got you in such a bad mood?” James asked, obviously finding my anger amusing enough to stoke it up further.
“I am not in a bad mood,” I muttered through my gritted teeth.
“Yeah, thinking about it, this is pretty much the natural state for you to be in,” James said cheerfully. “Ever thought about anger management?”
I glared at him, then returned to buttering my toast ferociously. “Why bother? All you do is hit punch bags, and I have a whole supply of them right here without having to get cooped up with a load of hot headed, irrational, pathetic people who can’t keep their emotions under control so instead they think it’s okay to destroy things and yell and -”
My knife bent.
I stared at its twisted shape, all my anger and frustration just disappearing as I saw the ruined article in front of me. I ran my finger over the side and felt the bend. I picked it up again and attempted to continue buttering my mangled toast, but the shape made it impossible to do so. I turned it over and tried again to spread the butter over the bread, it still didn’t work. I slammed the knife down and stared at my ruined toast and the ruined knife.
“Mary, are you -” a voice began, and then I burst into tears again.
“Why does nothing work!?!” I wailed, alarmingly loud. “Why can’t it all just freaking work? It’s not damn hard! Can’t anything just be simple and easy and go according to plan for once in my life?” I wailed, my tears flooding down my face ridiculously. “All I want is some fricking toast! Why does it never -” I took a deep breath. “Why can’t anything just be as simple as A, B,C? Why are they’re o many G’s and D’s and bloody Z’s. I DON’T WANT ANY Z’S! I WANT SOME BLOOODY-”
“Mary,” a voice said soothingly, and a hand rested on my shoulder. Sirius slid his hand over the table and pulled back a spare knife and handed it to me. “Sometimes it is just that simple, if you just look,” he said.
The book returns. Here’s that really meaningful comment which apparently reveals everything to me in a moment of extreme clarity and fills me with a momentous joy. Well screw that. I was still pissed at him.
“But now, I’m not hungry,” I said, glaring at him and standing up. “So you can stick your knife somewhere where it will hurt a lot,” I said, before I realised how lame that was. “Oh shut it!” I snapped at him, before had a chance to comment on my pitiful mumblings.
I was so hungry it was unreal. Given I had, just half an hour previously, chucked up everything I had eaten, the four slices of toast had done nothing, and I wanted more than anything to pick up the knife and butter myself some more toast.
But no, that would ruin the effect of mine and Sirius’ deep and meaningful thingy. Give into the temptation and he’d think that I’d give in to any temptation and the next time he tried kissing me for no good reason, that I’d just let him snog me for all eternity until I accidently ended up into his bed – ha. Fat chance. I would resist.
I wasn’t that hungry anyway, in the same way that he wasn’t that attractive, it was all just to do with the whole character he’d built up around himself, which was a lie in any case so really his good looks are a lie. SO HA. Sirius Black, your face is LYING to me.
It’s like the way he walks: no one naturally walks like that. It almost seems that he’s slightly drunk, as well as swaggering around the place and swinging his hips far too much for a man. Yet it works – damn it works. No one else could walk like that without looking like a complete prick, but he managed to make it look hot (don’t ask me how) when in reality it’s just a matter of him walking like a complete idiot! I just need to make sure I saw that he was walking like a prat, rather than a sex god (there’s no other word okay! It’s not like there’s any other reason I would have called him that, it’s just I can’t think of any other word to describe him. Not that I’ve ever referred to him as that in my head, EVER).
No one talks like that either – seriously. He drags the words out, which always makes them seem longer and making slightly more sense. Then it’s deep, but not ridiculously deep, but the sort of comforting natural deepness that guys before puberty lack in vast amounts. The sort of deep that if you were to lie on his chest and he was to speak to you, his whole chest would vibrate slightly and reverberate the sound around making it sound so much better (not that I’d know...). Plus he spoke with unreal confidence – like he was completely sure of every single word he was saying (even when his eyes clearly stated that he was not confident at all).
It was like Sirius couldn’t not be confident, which is what made him so irresistible, so if I knocked his confidence out the window then I would be able to resist.
Like if the toast was green, it wouldn’t look as good, so I wouldn’t want to eat it.
Still, if I knocked his confidence, I would have had more of an effect on him than I planned to, instead of disappearing again.
Or maybe now wasn’t the time for being selfless or sensible. Maybe now, with four months left to live I should really just do whatever they hell I want. Live life to the limit and not think about the consequences. This was my choice now.
I could have the bloody toast if I wanted it – it was my right.
I could be reckless – not care about the others and act purely on my own whims and impulses, not having to deal with the consequences.
I could be kind – I could consider my significance in this world and retreat back into the shadows, making sure I hurt no one on the way.
Or, the final choice, I could be sensible and selfish – I could carry on acting like I was to reach my own ends, to achieve my own desires and screw those who were still left.
I took the toast.
a/n - I promise promise promise that everything will make sence soon. All the McKinnon buissness is explained in the next chapter. Mary and Sirius might finally sort themselves out (although, they're not exactly good at that) so hopefully by the next chapter everything will make a little more sense? I really love you guys. You rock my socks off :D
Question time:
Erm... Err.... gosh.... I really don't know...
What do you think would happen if...
sorry, I got nothing...
Except... Mary's favourite type of flowers?
What Sirius might want for Christmas?
What you think of Marlene?
Hopefully the next chapter won't take too long :)
A/N - Hello! Sorry for the longer than normal wait. I've been having life issues which led to a blockage, but I'm pretty sure we passed that. I actually quiet like this chapter :) Hope you enjoy and please review!
+ roundabout - you said you made me a banner in a review, and told me to message you if I wanted to see it. Well, I'm pretty silly and didn't know how to message you, but I really want to see it! If you're on the forums or TDA my name is acrules - I really really want to see it :D
Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
The show must go on - Queen
Sirius smirked at me like a prat as I chewed on my mouthful of toast, and I found myself regretting ever bothering. Why was it that any stupid expression that graced his face could make me unbelievably angry at him? Now I was almost shaking with anger, so much so that it was all I could do to stop myself from throwing up.
I glared at him with all the annoyance I could muster and slammed my toast back down on my plate and stood up. A vague shock registered on Sirius’s face, and I found myself relishing his discomfort more than I probably should.
I then proceeded to walk straight out of great hall in a brilliant flash of inspiration, as I came up with a delicious option D. The kitchens...
Since when I have my plans ever worked out?
********************
“Look, stop glaring at me!” Marlene protested, rolling her eyes – she’d tailed after me out of the hall and insisted on accompanying me down to the kitchens. “My brother wrote to you, correct?” She asked and I nodded, stuffing my face full of bacon sandwiches hungrily. “Well I think I should explain a few things to you before you read it,” she said, without a note of question in her voice. “I may have misled you before,” she added, obviously not feeling guilty in the slightest.
“Fhmhoo?” I asked, my mouth full, and her gaze fixed on me filled with disgust.
“Look – that’s not attractive and you’ll only make yourself sick again.”
“I DID NOT MAKE MYSELF SICK!” I protested, a little too angrily and loudly maybe, as several house elves looked over at me in confusion. “Oh shut it, you’re short,” I snapped at one who was openly staring at me. Marlene smiled slightly.
“I didn’t mean like that you complete idiot. No one can eat that fast,” she added. “Especially not someone like you,” she said, shifting her legs under the table and taking a sip of her smoothie with an air of glamour about her that I could never poses. “Okay well, let’s start from the beginning.” She took a deep breath and another sip on her smoothie. “My brother is a genius: he makes potions, he creates spells, he can find out everything about someone in a week – even if they’re on the other side of the country. The Order’s been interested in him since he was 12, and he was taking 12 NEWT’s...” Her voice was thick with pride, which I was immensely jealous of. I wanted to be able to talk about my family like that.
“Wait, what’s the Order?” I butted in. Her expression froze for a split second, and she took on the appearance of someone who had just let something important slip, but she quickly recovered it.
“Nothing,” she answered quickly, shaking her head. “The thing with my brother is though,” she said, her voice now sounding raw with irritation and sadness, “he’s dying. Just like you.”
My mouth dropped open.
“He is the other person to have Ephaiyadaphia,” she said, and it sent my head spinning in circles. “I already knew that you were dying.”
“Oh,” I said, realising that would explain her less-than-dramatic reaction to my news. “Dad died because of it,” she added, sighing. “Then mum went a bit weird, she’s got stuff wrong in her head, then Daniel was diagnosed a few years back and she couldn’t take it. He’s had to drop out of school to look after her. I wanted to do it, well no, I just didn’t want him to do it, but he said that he was dying anyway so it didn’t matter. He’s not going to die though – he has two and a half years. The cure should be ready then, and he’s doing all he can to help them. He’s been making his own potions and things in his bedroom to see if he can do anything – he’s a genius. He was supposed to only have a year and a half left,” she said, her eyes shining. “But soon he’ll be too weak to test them on himself,” she continued. “Then, I told him about me and Reg. He went psycho and then basically found out everything that had ever happened to the guy to see if he was good enough for me (he wasn’t apparently), then of course he also researched Sirius,” She said, resigned to her brother’s slightly stalkerish behaviour.
“How do I fit in?” I asked slowly.
“He’d been searching for you anyway, the other Ephaiyadaphia patient, he wondered why Nate was moving to Hogwarts with no reason, so he knew you were there and were female. Then he knew all about your family already, he knows about every single person in that graveyard and you’re mother’s grave was next door. When he researched into Sirius, this was a few days after that party where he kissed you? And found out several interesting things about his love life – he decided that really Sirius was much more suitable for me by the way – and then he found you and became very interested in your life. He already knew you lived down the road, and he figured you two had a connection because of the graves,” she said, brushing a hand through her curls. “Well, then he began researching your mother’s death and he found her on the list of people who’d been involved on the Ephaiyadaphia testing program. Then he realised who you were.”
I exhaled slowly.
“Then he told me who you were, and that I had to look out for you, but I generally ignore his stupid schemes. It’s why everyone used to think he was so weird! Anyway, next thing I know he’s telling me all about Charlie Malone and you dying your hair purple. Then he’s telling me about your sister, Sirius, Ria, everything! It was like a mini soap opera, it did amuse me greatly, but I still didn’t know who you were. I didn’t want to either as it was obvious to me that he’d passed from the grounds of being slightly odd to the valley of the bonkers – he had feelings for you. He’d never even met you.”
I was really freaked out at this point.
“I never claimed he was normal!” she exclaimed, shaking her head. “He’s a genius, but there’s definitely something wrong in his head. Just look at you.”
I gave her a sarcastic look. She smiled slightly.
“Nah, but I figured it would be fine. He’ll never meet her, and neither will I.” She sighed. “Then there was the graveyard thing... Look I know he probably scared you, but it’s not his fault. He wouldn’t have thought it was weird at all because he feels like he’s known you for months and months – longer. He thinks you’re connected because you’re the only two in the country with Ephaiyadaphia, and you do have so much in common.” She sighed again and looked downwards. “He used to be a little more normal. Then this potion of his went slightly wrong – now he just always needs something to focus all his energy on. In any case, I’m pretty sure he’s moved on now as he’s started researching into someone else – A veela girl who used to go to Hogwarts a few years ago. Laundy Babyliss. I hope that explains some things though.”
“Yeah,” I said slowly, shocked by the whole thing. “Anyway, I told him you’d been throwing up and he sent me this,” she said pulling out a small vial. “It’s your dosage, and it should stop it, and give you all the nutrition you need for the day. These three are nutrition potions – he told me to tell you you’re too thin.”
“Right,” I said, taking the potions with gratitude. Anything to stop me from throwing up!
“I’m going to my next lesson now. I suggest you stay here for awhile to be honest, and don’t let my brother get in the way of you and Sirius.”
“There is no Sirius and me,” I said through gritted teeth. She turned appraisingly, shaking her head, and left me in the kitchens on my own.
I looked doubtfully at the little vial of potion Marlene had given me, and wondered if she was actually trying to kill me to keep her secret safe? Then it seemed she knew more about me than I did, so surely she could have told everyone my secret a long time ago? I had to be grateful for that.
“Here’s to dying young,” I said, knocking back the contents of the potion. The feeling of nausea in my stomach settled immediately and I decided that Daniel McKinnon was a genius, and I would never think any worse of him.
I tucked the letter into my pocket and decided on reading it another day – I wasn’t ready for any more information this morning.
In any case, I had to perfect the art of avoiding Sirius Black.
**********************
I was walking through the corridors more out of a need for something to do than anything else – I knew that I wasn’t going to go to lessons, because that would be the sure way to avoid Sirius. Plus, none of the classes were exactly going to help me anyway were they? Considering I can’t even do magic anymore. I might as well throw away my wand and leave this place and join a nunnery.
The only other thing my brain comprehended at the moment was that if I stayed in the corridors some teacher or other would walk into me and I would get a detention. This would normally have no consequence, go and clean for an hour, then go back to the common room, but Sirius and the Marauders had a constant detention and I was avoiding the bastard.
Who does that anyway? Just flaming kisses one of their friends, and then acts like nothing happened? It’s not right and it’s damn unfair. How am I supposed to know that it meant nothing? I could be under the illusion that he actually cared right now and then we’d be in a right pickle wouldn’t we? Yes. Of course I’m not that dumb, but he doesn’t know that. He thinks I’m the thickest of the thick, just because I can’t do magic. What a load of crap.
I scowled at the floor, receiving a confused look from one painting, and then began swearing under my breath.
“Swearing only displays a lack of vocabulary,” a painting of an ugly woman with a rather ‘quirky’ nose said, looking down on me smarmily.
“Piss off,” I snapped at her, and her eyes widened in annoyance. Her nose was expanding over her face immensely making her look seriously demented. She was young but had the beginnings of frown lines and slanted blue eyes. She looked like the classic witch a muggle child would draw; her skin was even tinged green slightly.
“How dare you!?” she questioned, her voice coming out all posh and arrogant. I disliked this painting so much. “How dare you treat me with so little respect and lack of courtesy, which I would only except from the Slytherins? I expect better of you, child!”
“And who are you to tell me what I’m doing wrong? You’re just an old ugly oil painting which probably should have been taken down years ago! You don’t know what I’m going through! You could never know and you have absolutely no right to talk to me like I’m disappointing you! YOU’RE A BLOODY PAINTING!”
She flicked her hair away from her face and stuck her nose up in the air. “I, child, am your great, great grandmother.”
My mouth fell off my face and hit the floor with a clunk in shock.
“And I thought that the snappy gene would have been lost by now. How’s your mother?” she asked, displaying the so called snappy gene which I so did not have...
“Dead.”
“Mmm, I thought so.”
“I’m dying too.”
“Really, already?” she asked curiously.
“Yeah. Four months.”
“Your great grandmother was pregnant with your grandfather when I had four months to live.”
“My dad remarried, the new wife’s pregnant.”
“Remarried?” she asked as if scandalised. “How dare he -”
“You have Grandpa’s nose,” I said, suddenly realising that it was familiar. Her hand flew up to her face and her tight lips stretched downwards a little more.
“They did my nose wrong,” she said, defensively. “My nose was at least 6 millimetres smaller. They were out of money so they got any old Sod to paint me...”
“Why were you painted?” I asked, sighing.
“Because I am a Quidditch legend – did your mother never tell you?” she asked, and I shook my head slowly. “Typical...” she began, and I had the notion that she was about to rant for a very long period of time.
“Well, I’m late for my next lesson so...” I began, wishing only to get out of the corridors as fast as possible.
“Bullocks,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re skiving!” she claimed, and I glared at her angrily.
“My life is none of your business – you’re a painting!”
“And a much -” she began behind me, but I turned around to walk away defiantly. My dramatic exit was ruined somewhat by walking straight into Nate.
“Taken to yelling at paintings now? Are Sirius and me not enough?” he quipped, trying to keep his tone light. I folded my arms over my chest and glared at him.
“Look,” he said sighing. “I may have been a bit hasty yesterday.”
“Hm,” I said in agreement, letting nothing positive slip through into my voice – I was highly annoyed at him and didn’t want him to think he’d been forgiven so soon. “I’m sorry.” He looked down at the floor for a split second of shame. “And I changed the sheet. I was just angry. I was a bit... angry. You still have four months and three weeks left,” he told me.
“How generous of you,” I snapped, turning on my heel and wondering if the equation would balance back to four months after the throwing up last night and this morning...
“Mary, can we just...” he began, and I shook my head angrily.
“No.”
*********
I sighed, sitting back on the comfiest seat in the entire Gryffindor common room and sank back into it, relishing in the calm silence of the empty room, as I allowed myself to stop thinking for the first time that morning, and just let myself go completely. I pulled the chair forward so I could feel the heat from the fire on my face. Particles of hot air were brushing against my skin, and I pulled myself nearer. For the first time in what felt like forever I found myself utterly relaxed and I slipped into sleep.
*********
“When you’re a big girl, you’re going to be on the Quidditch team,” Mummy said to me, smiling like an idiot. “You’re magical darling!” she proclaimed, as my lip quivered unsurely as I looked at our house. “Magic!”
“You’re not mad at me?” I asked, my voice shaking and tears still falling down my face.
“Baby, why would I be mad at you?” Mummy asked, picking me up and twirling me around.
“I set the house on fire!” I wailed, tears running down my face in cascades of salty water.
“It was magic Mary-fairy; you’re not supposed to be able to control it yet! But you’re so very powerful my baby. You’re going to be great! You’re going to be brilliant!” she said, grinning. “You’re magic just like me!” she said again, obviously barely able to believe it herself. “I was a little star on my broomstick,” she said, her voice taking on the tone of distant memory. “I was the star Keeper. Only let a ball in once, you know?!” she said, staring at the wall.
I didn’t know – I hadn’t got a clue what she was on about, but her voice was enticing me to listen. “My great, great grandmother was allowed to play in first year you know – the first one to be allowed in two centuries! Hasn’t happened again since! You’ll be in Gryffindor just like me, I know you will. Red suits you better than any of the colours. You’ll be a keeper just like me. You’re going to be brilliant my darling, darling girl!” she exclaimed, pulling me up into her arms and wiping away the remains of my tears. “The whole world’s waiting for you – you’re going to have everything,” she whispered into my tiny ear. Her nose touched against my skin and tickled slightly, filling my nostrils with the scent of her perfume.
I giggled.
A hand was pulling me upwards onto the couch, pulling me from my hazy recollections and dreams. Two hands actually, and a pair of arms, hoisting me upwards onto the far more comfy sofa.
“Hey Mary,” James’s voice wafted over. “Sorry I woke you,” he added, pulling a blanket over me as I didn’t even bother opening my eyes. “The others have been worried; I came to check on you. Sirius wanted to come but Lily said it wouldn’t be a good idea. You were on the floor. Go back to sleep now,” he instructed, pulling the blanket further over me. I wrapped my fingers around the softness of the material and tried to mumble thanks. I wasn’t overly convinced that anything came out, but I’m sure he got the sentiment and I was far too tired to try again.
James laughed softly before disappearing again. “Sleep well.”
********
Mummy stroked a lock of my hair as I sat back in her arms sleepily. She was worried about something, although I was completely ignorant as to what, and she wanted me to sit with her, so I did. The material of her t-shirt was scratchy against my skin and I didn’t like her perfume – a different one to normal – so I wasn’t exactly comfortable, but I was so tired after the day’s drama that I didn’t care all that much. It was Easter, so my belly was stuffed full of eggs, and me and Johnny had spent most of the day running – or toddling in his case.
Becky had yelled in the restaurant when she hadn’t wanted to eat her dinner and Daddy had gotten cross. Daddy had told her she had to eat, which hadn’t sat well with her, so she’d slipped half of her food on to my plate for me to eat and only swallowed a mouthful of potato herself because she hadn’t liked the gravy.
Daddy snapped about money and food, mum had gotten cross and they’d yelled across the kitchen table about Becky’s doctor costing too much. My brain was going hazy due to tiredness and I leaned back on Mummy’s podgy stomach and closed my eyes.
Then she did the most peculiar thing and started to sing.
“Hush now, hush,” she began, stroking my forehead and tears falling down her face. “Hush now baby, don’t you cry. Mummy’s never going to say goodbye,” she sang, terribly in any case, but worse as her voice cracked on the last phrase. I ignored her and forced myself to sleep.
There was a lot of commotion going on around me, and I pulled my eyes open to find that people were now flooding through the doors of the common room. I was receiving a few strange looks and I realised if I wanted to continue to sleep, and I wanted to so badly, I would have to move upstairs. I grabbed the blanket James had given me and forced myself to get to my feet, grabbing the arm of the sofa for support, then made my way up the stairs just as Sirius appeared at the door. I looked at him for a moment before turning my head away and making my way up the stairs. I was so tired.
I collapsed onto my bed upstairs and pulled all my duvets and blankets around me, glad to be gaining back all those hours of lost sleep.
*******
I glared at the furniture, my whole body at sharp pointy angles as I refused to look at the Christmas tree.
“I’m not talking to you,” I snapped, as someone’s presence made itself known on the stairs. “And I won’t go to bed until you-” I continued, but I was cut off by another pair of feet running down the stairs. It was three in the morning – something wasn’t right. I sprang up from my seat as I heard Daddy’s voice on the phone. “She’s not waking up!” he yelled into the phone. “I can’t get her there!” he protested. “I can’t do magic!” He was yelling at whoever was on the other end of the phone. “No, no, no!” he yelled, slamming down the phone and resting back against the wall.
“Daddy,” I said tentatively, talking to him for the first time in a week as tears began running down his face.
“She’s not waking up!” Becky yelled, and suddenly Daddy snapped back into action and ran up the stairs like Mummy had told him not to all those times.”Why isn’t she waking up?” I asked, not even sure what they were talking about. A loud crack signified grandma’s arrival and she went sprinting up the stairs as well. I followed her upwards and walked towards the doorway of Mummy and Daddy’s room.
Mummy laid on the bed unmoving, and pure white. Grandpa grabbed her hand and dissaperated away from the scene.
“Daddy!” I wailed, as Johnny started to cry. “Daddy, what’s happening!?” He brushed past me, like he couldn’t even see me. “Becky, get Johnny. We need to go. Now!” he instructed, and Becky ran from the room, for once not even bothering to argue.
Soon they were all dressed and ready to go, but I still stood frozen in the doorway, staring at where Mummy had been.
“WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DRESSED!?” Daddy screamed, grabbing my arm and shaking me. I burst into tears that ran down my face in floods.
“DAD!” Becky yelled, pushing him away from me in horror. “Just go get dressed Mary,” she said, pushing me out of the door. Daddy was shaking with anger and emotion as Becky cradled Johnny in her arms.
There was a loud crack and Grandma’s voice came back into the room. “Come on,” she said, grabbing Becky’s arm and apperating us away one by one.
I pulled on my jumper as tears began falling down my face, as it vaguely registered to me that it was Christmas Eve.
******
“Mary, time to get up!” Lily yelled excitedly. “It’s the Quidditch match today!” she yelled, and I groaned as she pulled me out of my sleep. I shook off the dream, but it didn’t leave me completely. I blinked twice and forced myself not to cry.
“All right,” I said, sitting up and watching them all busy around.
The dream had shook me up – as they always did – but I was vaguely registering that this one should hit me possibly the hardest, but instead I found myself less bothered by it than normal.
“Are first years not allowed to play Quidditch?” I asked sleepily, as I dragged myself out of my bed. Deciding instead to focus on the first of the three dreams I’d had, since that was the least likely to evoke the powerful emotions that were sure to break me down into tears, in my current state of mind.
“No,” Rachel answered from the other side of the room. “The last person to be allowed to was Elizabeth Finch, and that was a long time ago,” she said, applying her make up in front of the mirror. “Then Elizabeth Finch became Elizabeth Mullet, she had two boys,” she began, and I was startled by how much she knew about the subject. “She died young of unexplained causes. Then one of her two sons became a Quidditch player – Adrian Mullet, the other disappearing off the face of the earth. Adrian Mullet’s grandchild is currently around nine and should be joining Hogwarts next year. On the other side of the family, the one that disappeared, it was rumoured that there were two more boys, two more early deaths, and no more professional Quidditch players. The last heir to the line was female, so really they could be in this room right now,” Rachel said, pulling on her quidditch robes.
“You play?” I questioned, and she nodded, smiling. “Quidditch is my life,” she said simply. “My dad always wanted me to go professional; I’m going to try.”
“Good for you,” I said, a smile pulling at my lips. “Wait, did you say Mullet?” I asked, and she nodded. I sat down quickly.
“Oh,” I commented, realising that maybe my mother’s words had held more truth than I had previously realised – all those unexplained deaths?
“Why?” Charlotte asked bluntly. “You’re not going to tell us that you know the mysterious heir of the family tree?”
“Sandra Mullet,” Rachel corrected. “Wish me luck; James will kill me if I’m late!” she said, and we all wished her luck as she sped out of the room.
“I want to get down too, I need to wish the others good luck,” Lily said skittishly – apparently she was more of a Quidditch person that I realised. Though I suppose it turns out I’m a Quidditch person too! My mind was having difficulty comprehending the whole thing, and I shook it out of my mind agitatedly.
“Same,” Alice and Charlotte agreed.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I told them; still not having shook off the dream feeling. “Then I’ll be down,” I told them. “You go ahead.”
It was strange; the death of Rachel’s Dad had seemed to bring us all back together a little bit. Death tended to do that though: it either tore everything apart at the seams, or brought everything a little closer together stitch by stitch.
*******
“Are you coming to the Quidditch game?” Sirius asked me, looking at me awkwardly as we were alone together for the first time since the fateful accidental kissing incident... I refused to think about that again and instead concentrated solely on answering his questions, without giving anything away as to my emotions - I was already in far too much turmoil inside my mind to deal with anything else.
“I think I am being dragged,” I said simply, not looking him in the eye (or at any other body part), and training my eyes to look straight ahead at the wall of the corridor. The statement was a fact – I had promised James I would be there and therefore I would be there.
I fell over my feet.
“Nope, no one dragged you, you did that yourself,” Sirius smirked, as I tried to straighten myself up, flushing red in the face.
“Oh, go curl your eyelashes,” I snapped, deciding to look at the floor this time. I then cursed myself internally for coming up with quite possibly the worst comeback in the whole world. “What do you do?” I added as an afterthought.
“In general?” he asked, his tone amused and full of a strange excitement, which was unfamiliar in his voice, but I assume it had everything to do with Quidditch, and the further inflation of his fat head when they won (I was in no doubt that they would definitely win because the team was mainly made up of Marauders, and they were good at everything).
“No, I know that – you use up my valuable oxygen and get me mad for no reason. I mean in quidditch. I mean you play with balls right...?”
“Well, I don’t know about in quidditch but...”
“Oh my god. Bad mental image – shut it.”
He smirked.
“I’ll have you know I have brilliant Ball skills – I often score.”
“Oh come on, the hoops are massive – practically begging you to.”
“Hey, that was always my excuse. Why deny them?”
“Prat,” I said, my eyes widening as I realised the extent of the continuing innuendo, and wondered how I had been so oblivious before.
“Seriously though, you don’t know anything about quidditch?” he questioned, and I shook my head in response.
“Although it does seem I’m the mysterious heir to the Mullet family,” I commented, and Sirius laughed as if I was joking. I decided to let him as we left the common room and begin walking down the corridor.
“GIRL!” a voice yelled, and I blanched at the site of my grandmother’s portrait.
“Erm...” Sirius mumbled, as I pushed him in front of me and tried desperately to avoid being seen.
“Just stand there you baboon!” I snapped. “For once just be helpful and don’t let the woman with that thing on her face see you, and yes it is her nose not just some sort of civilisation nesting on her face...”
“GIRL!” she screeched again, and I shuddered a second time. “I know you’re there,” she snapped. “What would your mother say?!” she snapped again. “Oh, I forgot. She’s dead.”
“Get your fat nose away from me and stop talking!” I yelled, pushing Sirius aside. “Surely it’s against the rules for you to harass me like this!”
“Macy is it?” she asked sharply.
“See, you don’t even know my name, yet for some reason you think you have a right to talk to me!”
“I’m your great grandmother you insolent Girl!” she wailed.
“YOU’RE DEAD!” I yelled, and her expression turned even sourer.
“Okay...” Sirius said slowly, grabbing my arm and pulling me away before either us could yell any further. “I can see the resemblance though –it’s the nose.” He smirked and my eyes widened in fury. Then I slapped him round the face.
I realised a second afterwards that he didn’t deserve it, and then felt immensely guilty for my slight overreaction. “Sorry,” I said through gritted teeth. “I’m not... really in control of my emotions at the moment. Just don’t piss me off,” I added as an afterthought.
“That’s the worst apology I’ve ever heard,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “But I get it, sorry,” he said as we walked into the great hall. “Yes!” he added as he looked over to the table. “New material.”
I followed his gaze and saw that there was a new addition to our group – a pretty Hufflepuff with blonde hair and pale skin (although not half as pale as mine), her hand was clasped in Remus’ on the table. Alice was glaring at the poor girl, who was too absorbed with Remus to notice that a seemingly quiet girl was attempting to kill her with her eyes.
“Isn’t making fun of fellow Marauder’s girlfriends forbidden?” I questioned wryly, as he rubbed his hands together excitedly.
“No,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “We have no rules.”
“I thought you had like a Marauder code. Like none of you can date a girl any of the others fancy.”
“That’s bullocks,” Sirius said, appraising me carefully. “We never had any rules. Who told you this?”
“Oh, I don’t remember,” I said, thinking back to Alice and Remus’ thing curiously. “But are you sure?” he nodded, then sped up to join the others at the table.
“You overslept!” James snapped at Sirius, who shrugged, looking more laid back than I had seen him look in a long time.
“I’m here now, aren’t I?” he asked, and James had no answer. I could see who was on the team now, so didn’t have to make a fool of myself asking. There were seven of them dressed in scarlet robes: James, Sirius, Peter, Rachel, Jeremy Wood in the year above along with his friend, who I only knew by his second name of Jordan, and a little third year.
Jeremy Wood shot a dark look at James, and I assumed that it was due to the Quidditch captain badge that was pinned to James’s robes, and not his.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” James asked Rachel again, a look of worry and concern that I was sure was not about her, but the match. “We haven’t got a substitute and we can hardly play without a keeper.”
“You could always get Remus to play, or Lily,” I suggested, and I received dark looks from the whole team, other than Sirius, who still looked like he was relaxing on a beach with a cocktail. He smiled at my comment like it was a private joke, which only made me more annoyed. How could he be so utterly content when my insides were jiggled up and all my emotions were all over the place? It was infuriating to say the least.
“I’ll be fine,” Rachel said, nodding as if trying to convince herself. “It’s just the first time I’ve played since...” She trailed off, but we all knew the implications of that sentence. Since her dad died.
I glanced at Sirius and noted the look of contentment had vanished, and he was instead staring moodily over at the table opposite.
“Are you sure...?” James began again.
“We’re going to win – shut up!” Pete snapped, and James did so.
“So who plays what?” I asked Alice, as the others were all too full of tension and excitement – why was quidditch such a big thing?
“James is the seeker. Rachel is the keeper. Wood and Jordan are the beaters. Peter, Sirius and Bell are the chasers.”
“Right,” I nodded as if I knew what in the name of hell she was going about.
“Did it work?” Marlene’s voice came from behind me.
“Yes!” I said excitedly. “Your brother is a genius!” I exclaimed, and saw that Marlene was grinning from ear to ear – something I never thought I’d see.
This Quidditch thing is evil – it can change people’s emotions.
“Good luck!” I told her as she returned to her own table.
“Mary!” James snapped. “Whose side are you even on!?”
“Oh shut up,” Lily said, glaring at him – I was obviously not the only one completely infected by Quidditch fever. “She’s allowed to be polite. Maybe you should try it sometimes.”
“I do not have time for you right now.” James snapped back – his symptoms of the fever included nervousness, edginess, snappiness etc... Lily looked shocked and shut up, staring at her plate.
“Let’s go,” James said, standing up. “We need to get changed and everything. The conditions are okay, it’s a bit...” He carried on, walking out of the hall with the others in tow.
“It’s only a sport,” I said, one of my eyebrows creeping up my face.
“I know, right!” Remus’ new girlfriend added in. “Everyone takes it so seriously! I’m Anita,” she said, smiling sweetly.
“Mary,” I said by way of greeting, glancing at the expression on Alice’s face. I had no reason to dislike the girl, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I wanted to hate her for Alice’s sake. She seemed nice enough, without being annoyingly nice like Amanda Brocklehurst, and she had that Hufflepuff-you-must-like-me thing going on.
“Lily.” Lily said, in a voice that held enough frost to indicate that either she was having the same internal battle as me, or that she was still annoyed at James. I was going for the latter, because despite Lily being lovely, she could be as self-involved as the rest of us.
Alice was living proof of this at the moment – not having registered anything except that Remus was holding some girl’s hand.
I was mostly living in my own head, thinking about how much my life sucked...
It’s human nature.
“Come on. Let’s go,” Remus said, obviously feeling the tension. “We want to get good seats.”
****************
We weren’t exactly winning, although that was all I knew about what was going on.
Rachel had burst into tears approximately three minutes into the game and had been attempting to hold herself together for the last thirty minutes. Her tears had blurred her vision to the point that she couldn’t see and was missing every single goal. Then she’d lost it completely, attempted to land, and knocked Marlene off her broom.
Marlene had fell a considerable distance, yet had got back on her broom immediately afterwards despite the fact that there was blood coming from her head, and spraying out behind her. The Ravenclaws now seemed to be furious about their star player being damaged, and both teams had been scoring a lot. The advantage was with Ravenclaw as there was no keeper, and so they just sent Quaffles through the air wildly hoping that they’d somehow go through the hoops.
“The score is now 360, 220, to Ravenclaw!” the commentator yelled, and I saw the Gryffindor team all wince on their broomsticks. “Gryffindor in possession! Black, Pettigrew, Black, Bell, Black, Pettigrew, Boot! Ravenclaw in possession. Black appears to be attempting to be a keeper and a chaser as Moss is currently indispose.” The Gryffindors all booed at this. “Boot shoots and – it’s been knocked out the way by a well aimed bludger from Wood.” Gryffindor scored again and it was now 370 to 220.
The others sitting around me hadn’t said a word since Rachel had been sent off and were already wallowing in the defeat. I shook my head at them and tried to turn my attention back to the game.
Marlene was grinning, and doing several flips on her broom, congealed blood leaking down from her hairline as she blew Boot a kiss. My eyes widened slightly in surprise, and Sirius’s grip on his broom tightened. I didn’t blame him – what the hell was she doing?
Sirius glared at her, catching Marlene’s attention and both of them stopped on their brooms and glared. I’m pretty sure they were talking, but the words weren’t carried from this far away.
“Black and McKinnon seem to be engaging in some form of eye sex,” the commentator said, which broke their conversation up immediately. “Why don’t you try playing Quidditch?” he suggested, but while everyone was distracted by the prospect of new gossip, James had done something, which I assumed was important as he was now flying around waving his hands in the air.
“What the hell is he doing?” I asked Remus who was sitting next to me.
“He’s caught the snitch!” Remus yelled and the Gryffindor side all started to roar.
“Surely we’ve still lost?” I asked, utterly confused.
“The final score is 320 to 320!” The commentator yelled and the stadium went silent – what?
A draw?
“Erm...” I said, as confused as everyone else seemed to be. “Oh,” I added.
*****************************
“Mary, we need to talk,” Sirius told me, looking put out. Here it was; the words I’d been dreading for days and had so far managed to avoid impeccably. Still, I didn’t expect him to literally kidnap me into an empty corridor on my way back from the quidditch pitch, so there was no possible way of getting out of this situation.
I’d been walking back cheerfully, well, not entirely despairing. The others were having a dull and tedious conversation that I didn’t entirely understand, but it makes my newfound distress more emphasised if I had been having fun up till then...
Still, no harm in trying is there?
“Oh crap, I appear to have dropped my brain. I should really go find it...” I began, turning away to get ready to break into a run.
“Mary!” Sirius said, grabbing my arm so I couldn’t get away.
“Okay! I admit it – I’ve volunteered to help at the catholic abortion centre and I need to be going right now.”
“Mary!”
“So much homework to do...”I trailed off, realising that maybe this was one conversation I had avoided for far too long. I guess it was time to surrender and have the damn conversation.
Someone murder me.
“Mar-!
“Okay, okay!” I said, shaking my head. “You can stop with the names now!”
Sirius stopped and looked at me as if expecting me to put up more of a fight, and the conversation we were supposed to be having was not actually happening, so now he seemed at a bit of a loss.
“Oh.”
“Get on with it then!” I snapped. “Say what you want to say, and then bugger off!” I glared at him and waited for him to make any mention of the kiss at all. He was the one wanting this damn conversation, so I sure as hell wasn’t going to start it off – that was his job.
“Well, I think I’ve left my broomstick on the Quidditch pitch...” Sirius began.
“Sirius,” I said exasperatedly, “If you’re going to go through the effort of kidnapping me and forcing me into a conversation then you can sure as hell start it, instead of coming up with some lame excuse about Quidditch – which you should know I don’t give a crap about.”
“No! I’ve actually left my broomstick on the Quidditch pitch,” Sirius protested, and I shook my head warningly.
“You’re not going anywhere till you start this damn conversation!” I told him, and he sighed and seemed to resign himself to it.
He took a deep breath and blinked a few times like a fish (fish don’t blink, I know, but he reminded me of a fish at that moment because he looked... fishy? And gormless).
“Are we...? Where...? What’s going to...? Do you...?” Sirius began, and I took that as an opportunity to bang my head against the wall repeatedly (well, pretend to... I didn’t want my head to start bleeding).
“Why are you so incapable?” I snapped angrily at his ridiculous attempt at asking a question.
“Why are you so angry at me?” he snapped back.
“Because you freaking kissed me!” I exclaimed, pointing at him accusingly.
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Sirius muttered under his breath.
“I wasn’t done yelling at you, and then you bloody kissed me!”
“You weren’t done yelling at me? Is this what this is about?” he asked, incredulously.
“No! It’s about you making me look like an idiot in front of everyone!”
“You looked like an idiot? You started crying for Merlin’s sake! Then you ran off and I was just standing there!”
“What did you expect? Why did you freaking kiss me in the first place!?!?”
“That’s a tough question,” Sirius said sarcastically. “Isn’t it bloody obvious?”
“To be honest – no it’s not! One minute we agree to be friends, then we’re yelling, then your fucking snogging me?!?”
“Hey! First you suggest being friends, and I agree. Then you’re yelling at me, and it wasn’t just me doing the snogging!”
“You took me by surprise,” I growled in response. “I was yelling, and then you were just...”
There was an awkward pause as we both stood in the middle of the corridor looking angry at each other. The silence dropped like a stone, sounding far too harsh against my ears for comfort.
“This isn’t getting anywhere,” Sirius said, shaking his head and breaking the uncomfortable feeling of guilt that had been washing over me with the silence.
“And I suppose that’s my fault?” I suggested, shooting a glare his way.
“Well if you’d listen!”
“You haven’t said anything yet!” I proclaimed, incredulously. “How am I supposed to listen to nothing? Because so far all you’ve managed to do is say you looked like an idiot, and you should be used to that by now.”
“Whereas your words have been full of meaning and pent up emotion,” he retorted scathingly.
“Hey, I wasn’t even going to attempt that, but you must have had a reason for dragging me half way across the school so you could talk to me in private. Now you’re just gushing out a load of bull. Just say what you want to say!” I exclaimed.
“What if you’ve left me speechless?” he smirked, finally returning to his normal self.
“Then you should really grow a back bone,” I said flatly. “And then maybe you should just do something at least, then we might actually get somewhere.”
“Do something?”
“Hit a wall. Stamp your feet. Whatever, let’s just get this over with.”
“I wonder,” Sirius said slowly, looking at me seriously and intently. I took a step backwards and ended up with my back against the wall.
“Not too far I hope. Small brain and all...” I muttered nervously. There was something about that expression which made me want to curl up into a ball and cry – there was no meaning behind my fear, but there was something about it which induced far too much emotion and complications that I just wanted to be seven again and in mum’s arms, wrapped up tight. I tried to back away a little more. “Wouldn’t want it getting lost,” I mumbled, realising I’d definitely used that comeback before, and probably against Sirius.
“Shut up,” he said simply. He was doing the thing where he looked at my lips again. I looked up at him in mild panic, waiting for what he’d do next. His gaze shifted up to my eyes again and I blinked nervously.
Then he stepped backwards quickly and ran his fingers through his hair frustrated. He started pacing up and down the corridor, and I didn’t want to speak in case my voice came out as a high pitched squeak (which would be a bit... weird).
“We need to sort this out,” Sirius said, shaking his head.
“Yeah,” I said, my voice coming out shaky and uneven – why was it doing that? “We really do,” I said, shaking my head.
“Do you...?” He began, then stopped again, pacing up and down the corridor. “I...” he began, then stopped suddenly and ran his fingers through his hair. “Where do you want to go from here?” he asked finally, looking at me carefully.
“From where? Where are we?” My voice squeaked out painfully.
“Hogwarts,” Sirius answered lamely – how much could we skit around this conversation? We seemed to be doing a damn good job of it.
“Well then, I suggest we go to class,” I added.
“Mary. It’s Saturday,” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow at me with his normal smirk plastered all over his face. “You were just dragged to the match? We drew, and James is going to kill me for leaving my broom on the pitch!” he exclaimed, just remembering.
“Wait, you actually left your broom in the middle of the Quidditch pitch?”
“Yes.”
“How stupid can you get?” I asked scathingly.
“Surely you’d be the better person to ask that question?” Sirius said grinning.
“Bite me.”
“Sure, my pleasure,” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.
“It would be – I taste delicious.”
“Oh I know,” Sirius said, smirking. “I’ve had several first hand experiences.”
“Well none of those should have happened. So they don’t count. This time I told you to bite me, so it counts,” I told him cheerfully.
“None of them?” he asked, cocking his head to the right slightly.
“Why, you think some of them should have happened?” I asked, suddenly shivering with cold.
“Well, the one on the train should have happened. I completely deserved to be kicked in the balls,” Sirius said slowly. “Then I never would have realised who you were if it wasn’t for the first kiss,” Sirius said, considering the matter. “So actually I think that every single one should have happened.”
“Even the last one?” my voice said before I could stop my voice box from functioning.
“Especially the last one.”
Then my voice box stopped functioning completely and I looked at him in complete and utter shock. I stepped backwards again. He wanted that to happen. He wanted to kiss me. Not some random thing. He wanted to kiss me.
No. Bloody hell his lines are good, he just wants me to think that.
“Go get your bloody broom,” I snapped, turning away from him.
*************
“All I know is I’ve lost my bet,” Alice said, shaking her head in annoyance. “I bet Mike Longbottom four Galleons that we’d win. He said that we wouldn’t win...”
“At least we didn’t lose,” James added, drinking from a bottle of butterbeer.
“Where’s Sirius?” Lily asked me, when they looked up and saw me.
“He left his broom on the pitch,” I said, collapsing on the sofa feeling exhausted.
“No he bloody didn’t, I picked it up myself – the idiot!” James exclaimed. The mood had definitely darkened since this morning.
“Right,” I said by way of agreement shutting my eyes.
“There’s a Hogsmead trip the week after next,” Alice said tiredly. “I’m going with Mike again.”
I nodded.
“James! Did you pick up my broom??” Sirius asked, flying into the room.
“Yes,” James snapped. “God, what is up with you lately?” James asked, shaking his head. Sirius was still clad in his Quidditch robes and was covered in dirt and blood.
“Nothing,” he snapped, then turned to me. “I wasn’t done talking to you.”
“I was done.”
“Stop being so stubborn! Come with me for one minute so I can talk to you!”
“No,” I refused, and he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration (he’s been doing that a lot, I’m surprised his hair hasn’t started to fall out). “Fine! Thirty seconds or I swear in the name of Merlin’s saggy balls that your genitals will be served up to you on a plate by tomorrow breakfast. Then, I’ll make you eat them.”
Sirius smirked in amusement, whereas the other Marauders winced at the thought. I followed Sirius out of the common room to where we were going to carry on with this damnable conversation.
“I’m not thick,” he said when he had me well and truly cornered, so I couldn’t escape if I tried. “You want me,” he said, and my eyes widened in disgust at his arrogance.
“Like I want an early death,” I commented scathingly.
“You might as well admit that you’re suicidal then,” he said, stepping towards me. I was now sandwiched between the wall and Sirius so that I couldn’t move either way. He was watching me carefully. I felt my whole body go weak and my resolve dissolve into nothing. He was going to kiss me again, and there was nothing I could possibly do about it.
He moved forward even more, and I stepped backwards so that my back was pressed against the coldness of the stone walls. Despite moving back I could still feel his body heat.
“Talk about being stuck between a rock and hard place,” I commented, only then realising the connotations (the rock being the wall behind me, and the hard place...). “NO!” I said, clasping hand over my mouth as Sirius bit his lip in amusement, but trying to keep playing his part in the little game.
I had successfully killed the moment, by accident.
I AM FREAKING AWESOME.
Time to get back to the game, I decided; knowing that if he started the whole thing again I probably wouldn’t be so lucky.
“Is that the best you can do?” I asked, brushing him aside and re-entering the common room. “Because to be frank, that effort was pitiful and you should really think about washing all that mud of your robes.”
I walked past the others and up to my dorm before any of them could say anything.
***********
“Mary, what’s going on with you?” Lily asked, when they finally came and joined me in the common room.
You know, the usual: dying, being harassed by bigheaded idiots, have some weirdo stalker genius after me, knowing people’s secrets who I’ve never met before, pissed off to the high heavens about everyone gossiping, having an impossible workload, screwed family, extreme mood swings, emotional issues and a family tree which apparently leads back to a Quidditch legend when I’ve only touched a broom three times.
“Nothing much,” I answered, rolling over on to my front and flicking through the pages of my book.
“Yeah, sure,” Charlotte commented scathingly.
“So, have you come up with a name for it yet?” Lily asked cheerfully, although upon looking at her closely I saw she was drained and exhausted.
“A name for what?” I asked, focusing on the words in my book. Making a note to ask Lily what was up with her. It was probably nothing, just the time of the month or whatever, but it was best to make sure.
“The not so innocent you’re playing with Sirius?” Lily asked and I snorted.
“The only game I’d ever play with Sirius is Cluedo, and that’s only because I really like Cluedo,” I said lying on my back again and pulling the book up so I could read it.
“Be careful,” Alice said, watching me carefully, “It’s not a game you want to lose.”
“Cluedo?” I questioned, knowing exactly what she meant. “It’s not like that!” I said, rolling my eyes at their expressions.
“Did you or did you not offer to be friends with him on Thursday.”
“Well, yes -”
“Did you or did you not seduce his shirt off him on Wednesday.”
“Well, yes, but -”
“Did you or did you not snog him back on the same day you agreed to be friends with him?”
“Yes, but -!”
“Did you or did you not just kiss him again outside?”
“NO!” I said triumphantly. “I did not.”
“Oh,” was their resigned response.
“I made some stupid comment when he was just about to kiss me, thus ruining the moment, then insulted him and left.” I grinned, knowing that I had won this battle (screw the war).
“Why?” Rachel asked, coming out of the bathroom. We all went silent, none of us wanting to talk about it with her around. “Why did you bother? You could have just turned away and not let him kiss you.”
“I couldn’t! He cornered me!” I protested.
“I doubt there are many guys who’d still come on to you if you told them to get the hell off you,” Charlotte said, joining in. “Sure, Sirius is an arse, but not that much of an arse.”
Why hadn’t I thought of that?
“You’re playing the game just as much as he is,” Rachel concluded, sitting down on her bed. “You could have put your cards down, and surrendered at any moment during this stupid charade. And you didn’t,” she said, watching me carefully, as I realised how much Rachel had turned back into her pre-Sirius self. “Why is that?”
“There was nothing I could do!” I spluttered incredulously. “He was... he... I couldn’t...!”
“Face it,” Rachel said, “You like the game too much, and you don’t want to stop playing.”
“That’s bullocks!” I exclaimed resolutely. “You’re making out like I’m actually involved with him – that I care!”
Rachel gave me a false round of applause before pulling the curtains around her.
“I don’t!” I declared to the others. “I don’t care at all!”
“Mary,” Alice said, shaking her head at me.
“What did he say to you, outside?” Lily asked, stretching out her legs on her own bed.
“That I wanted him,” I said, gripping the edges of my book. “He has the arrogance and the -”
“It’s Sirius Black,” Charlotte said, interrupting me, “Everyone wants Sirius Black.”
“I don’t!”
“No, I mean every single damn person,” Charlotte repeated. “But there’s a difference between wanting, and caring,” she continued. “I don’t know if you care, but I know for a fact that you want him.”
“I DON’T WANT HIM!” I yelled.
“Yes you do!” Lily exclaimed.
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“NO! He’s a jerk. He’s arrogant. He’s annoying. He’s mood-swingy. He’s too tall. He’s not that attractive. He talks too much. He breaks people’s hearts. He always runs his fingers through his hair. He eats like some kind of dog. His walk is ridiculous. He talks weirdly. I don’t like his shirts and I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM! This conversation makes me want to vomit!” I yelled, yanking the curtain’s shut around me.
How could they not see? How could they not understand that I didn’t want him? I didn’t want anything to do with him!
I wasn’t dumb, I wasn’t going to let him affect me enough to let him break my heart again, and in any case I only had four months and three weeks left, so there wasn’t any point in it. I didn’t fancy the bloke! Sure, I could see the appeal but I didn’t want him. Not at all.
I wanted him to disappear, or go on holiday for a long time, or something like that, but I didn’t want him.
I thumped my pillow in frustration and screwed up my hands into fists.
Never ever ever.
God no.
Merlin no.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
They weren’t me, so how could they possibly judge what was going on in my mind? There was no room for Sirius Black in my mind for Merlin’s sake – far too full for brainless gits. I saw Sirius as something that had to be dealt with, in the quickest most painless way possible. He was like a weed that simply wouldn’t die and leave me alone. A weed was something that grew in the wrong place. No matter how pretty the thing was, unless you were prepared to let your other plants be choked to death, you had to get rid of it. Pull it from the ground and toss it aside. You were allowed to get angry and yell at weeds when they appeared time after time in your life.
All I needed to do was toss Sirius aside out of my garden to make way for the people that really mattered to me.
Because he didn’t! He was nothing to me except a nuisance.
Who wants a weed?
Why would anyone want a weed?
Even if it’s a pretty weed, no one wants it there.
***********
“Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place,” I commented, looking at Sirius warily as the intensity of his gaze burnt through me.
His whole body was pressing against mine and I was vaguely aware that our lips were so close to touching that if he spoke I could feel the air he exhaled.
“Shut up,” he said simply, pushing me the rest of the distance towards the wall and kissing me with all the weird intensity he possessed. I could feel myself weakening under his touch and....
I sat bolt upright in bed and stared at the hangings.
I wanted him. I wanted him damn it.
A/N - What's up with Lily? How's Mary going to deal? What did Daniel McKinnon say in his letter? Is she ever going to forgive Nate? What will Alice do about Remus and Anita? What's Snape been up to?All this and more, coming soon :D
I love you guys, you know that right?! The review count I have right now is waaay beyond anything I could have imagined so thank you sooo muccccchhhhh :) Please keep on reviewing, it means the world.
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A/N - CHAPTER TWENTY! Twenty? Twweennnttyy? WAHEEY! I don't think I've ever ever written 20 chapters before in my whole of forever, so I'm so glad we've got here with this story. My favourite story I've ever written. Thank you guys so much, you know. I'm in such an emotional mood so I'll appologise in advance for this. You are the greatest people in the earth, honestly, I don't know what I'd do without all your reviews and things there to bring me back up when I'm feeling rubbish. Thank you guys so much. Please keep reading and reviewing, I don't think you know how much this means to me. :')
“Now, add the water when you think the oil and sodium hydroxide have cooled enough,” the chemistry teacher, who had been dragged in for Muggle studies, said as we all stood over our apparatus. Peter, Remus, Alice and Charlotte weren’t in muggle studies, having wisely chosen to opt for something else, so it was basically just Sirius, James, Lily and me, which made the whole thing a little awkward considering I had realised the only thing I could do about my new found wanting for Sirius.
Pretend he didn’t exist.
So far I had managed not to say a word to him, and act as if I didn’t see him at all, and admittedly it was only the first lesson of Monday, but I thought I was doing quite well, considering. He’d given up trying to get me to talk after charms, when he had spent a ridiculous amount of time asking me what he’d done.
“It’s cooled enough right?” James asked, grabbing the tube of water from the desk and hovering it over the beaker containing the weird, thick substance.
“Yeah, I think so,” Sirius said, despite the fact that there were bubbles still rising to the surface rapidly. I wanted to tell them not to do it, but didn’t want to say anything to Sirius. I looked over to Lily desperately, but she was sitting on the edge of the table talking to Rachel about some magazine, or make up or something. She wasn’t happy with me for leaving her to talk to James, and was pretty much ignoring him too (not that he’d noticed).
James’ hand tipped more and my internal battle ended when I heard my voice yelling at them to stop.
“What?” Sirius asked, pulling the measuring cylinder from James’s hand and dangling it over the yellow lumpy mixture. “Don’t want me to tip it?” he taunted, tilting the cylinder more so that the water level slid until it was close to coming out. I didn’t say anything, but was begging him not to add it with my eyes. “It’s only muggle stuff,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes and tipping the water into the beaker. “It’s not dangerous,” he said, as the whole thing caught fire magnificently. The flames were bright orange and red, spreading up into the air. It crept upwards to where Sirius’s head had been moments before and licked the air around it.
“PRAT!” I yelled in horror, as the fire grew taller, twisting upwards towards the ceiling. Sirius stepped back quickly and tripped. James eyes widened and he whipped out his wand. “Agumenta!” James called out and water spurted from his wand onto the fire.
“NO!” I called out again, and stopped the water with my own wand, which had been lying on the table with a shield. I wasn’t thinking as I grabbed it, I was just fully aware that putting water on burning oil was not going to help. My shield stopped the water and sent it flying back into James’s face in a way that would have been comical if there wasn’t a massive fire in front of me.
Sirius looked at me in shock and I realised what I’d just done – magic. Non-verbal magic.
My wand slipped from my fingers in shock and fell to the desk, rolling away from me as I realised the enormity of what had happened.
I could still do some magic.
“MARY” Sirius yelled, and my eyes snapped into focus and I realised my wand had rolled straight at the beaker, which had somehow tipped over, and now the edge of my wand was burning.
“My wand!” I yelled stupidly, stepping back as the flames engulfed a piece of parchment.
“Fuck!” Lily swore, whirling around and trying to accio my want away from the fire, a little too late. My wand was burning spectacularly, with different sparks and flames flying upwards. Lily suddenly realised that the wand was flying straight towards her and dropped her charm immediately.
We all watched as my wand, now spinning in circles like a weird light show, dropped to the ground next to Frank Longbottom’s foot.
“WHERE’S THE FIRE BELL?” the muggle teacher yelled, and we all ignored her not having a clue what she was on about.
Someone was spraying water at our muggle studies teacher who had passed out cold.
And Frank Longbottom’s robes had caught fire. Sirius, who was standing closer to him began trying to stamp out the fire, but only managed to stamp on his foot. Frank yelled in pain and began stripping his robes off; I looked away just in case any more of his clothes had set fire and turned my attention back to the origin of the fire – the burning oil.
“WHERE ARE THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS?!?” the crazy muggle woman yelled.
The oil had spread out across the desk, but apparently the wood of the desk was magical, and appeared to be fire resistant. Still, the paper and parchment we’d had on the desk was no longer existent and the flames were crawling closer and closer to the end of the table. You’d think that a group of witches and wizards could put out a muggle fire.
I looked back over to Frank, whose shoe had caught fire. Sirius was now jumping repeatedly on his foot to try and put it out to no avail, with a constant stream of swearwords coming from Frank’s mouth (can you blame the guy, Sirius is a bit of a mammoth).
“EGNITAS!” Rachel yelled, standing on the desk and the madness stopped all at once.
The fire disappeared, my wand spluttered to a stop (well, an almost stop), and we all looked around stupidly at each other as we saw the muggle teacher collapse back in a dead faint.
I picked up my wand from the floor, and put it out as if stubbing a cigarette on the desk, and decided I rather liked chemistry.
*************
“Mary,” Sirius said, prodding my shoulder as I ignored him totally. “Mary,” he repeated, his finger jabbing into my shoulder again; it hurt a little more than I was ready to let on. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you,” he said, still trying to get my attention even though he knew full well that I was ignoring him. “I’m sorry I set the room on fire and that your wand got burnt...” he said, in his most annoying voice (and let’s face it, they’re all annoying). It made him even more annoying than he was normally, and defeated the point of ignoring him. Plus, it made me even more aware of him than I had been before and that was not part of the plan.
The plan was simply to pretend he didn’t exist till he stopped existing. Or ignore him until I didn’t want him anymore.
Easy.
You’d think.
Of course Lily, Alice and the rest of the world kept asking me why I was ignoring him, and I couldn’t ruddy well tell them could I? Then they asked me why I’d suddenly become friends with Marlene McKinnon, and why I wasn’t talking to Nate? And a long train of stupid and ridiculous questions, most of which I didn’t even have answers for.
“Mary!” Sirius said, nudging my shoulder so that my whole body jerked sideways. I moved my chair away from him, so he couldn’t prod me or anything that involved body contact. That was not part of the plan.
“Mary, for Merlin’s sake will you talk to me!” Sirius said, shaking me.
“Shut the hell up!” I snapped, turning round to glare at him, before returning to concentrate on our lesson. That was the plan anyway. Instead of looking away smoothly, my gaze got stuck studying every little detail of his face which I hadn’t noticed before. He looked quite startled, as if he hadn’t expected me to actually give in to him annoying me so quickly (normally I probably wouldn’t have, but I was on edge and did he really have to keep prodding me like that? Did he really have to touch me at all? No).
Sirius’s eyes changed colour slightly, or seemed to, as he watched me watch him. I was frozen, and I couldn’t seem to pull my face away and go back to ignoring the prat. His expression didn’t follow the lines of his face, and I was vaguely aware that this particular expression was an unusual one to see on his face...
“Would you care to share what is so fascinating Miss McDonald?” McGonagall snapped, and I blushed and turned back to the front. The whole class was staring at me and I felt my cheeks blush more (and I bet that goes with my hair...).
“Sorry Professor, I was just watching the horns grow out of his head, and the way his eyes turned red,” I said, glaring at the blackboard as I leaned back on my seat with my arms crossed.
“Just like your face then,” Sirius mocked, and I glared at him.
That’s not going to happen again.
McGonagall tutted at me and Sirius began resuming his routine of kicking me with his foot, prodding me, shaking me and whining to get my attention, when I realised I should probably do something to distract myself. I couldn’t let myself be dragged back into looking at Sirius aimlessly. Then I would become Rachel.
Although, becoming Rachel would add several years to my life, several inches to my height, several inches to my chest, quidditch skills, and the ability to put out fires and keep my head in sticky situations.... It was highly tempting.
Oh, yeah, that’s not actually an option...
McGonagall was giving out something, probably an animal or something to transfigure into something else, and I was well aware that I would not be able to do it. Especially considering I’d done magic this morning and was so exhausted, emotionally and physically because of it that I probably wouldn’t be able to produce sparks out of my charred wand. I knew the thing that was going to distract me had to be something other than transfiguration, and my mind instantly went to the wad of letters sitting in my pocket.
This morning, out of the blue, every single member of my family had written to me, to add to the number of sheets in my pocket. I had still not found the energy to open the letter from Daniel McKinnon (given I was terrified of his stalkerishness and what he might say).
I decided, quickly, that I was definitely not ready to hear what he had to say just yet (despite being in love with the nourishment potions he had given Marlene for me, I was a little nervous of the idea of a guy who could find anything out in two weeks).
I pulled out the letters from my family and sorted through them to find the one that would be the least unpleasant to read.
I settled on Johnny’s, and slipped it out of the envelope and unfolded it, running my finger over the words, written on actual paper rather than parchment, and with biro instead of a quill. I traced my fingers over the words, now blissfully unaware of Sirius (until I thought about it of course) and looked around to check where McGonagall was before beginning to read his words.
Mary,
Hey, it’s me. Dad told me to write to you, as he said you find today hard...
“What’s today?” Sirius asked, and I jumped about half a foot in the air and glared at him furiously.
“What have I told you about not reading my personal letters?” I snapped, and the full context in which I had last said those words dropped over us like a stone. Just before I had began yelling him at the top of my lungs saying stupid untrue things because I was so angry and I felt so stupid for being wrong and I had far too many emotions flying round in my head... Just before he had cut me off mid sentence and snogged me. Before I had snogged him back.
Basically, I had last said that line just before we both managed to make our day-old friendship implode, due to it being overloaded, stretched, thin and rather shitty in the first place.
“Just don’t fucking do it okay?” I asked, turning around and pulling my chair as far away as I could so I could read my letter properly. He nodded slowly, perhaps finally understanding that I physically couldn’t stand the thoughts of him reading and finding out that way. “Please,” I added, looking down at the parchment.
He nodded again with a little more conviction than before.
“What’s today?” he asked again, reminding me of the question I’d just been about to ask my self internally anyway... What was today?
“It’s my mother’s birthday,” I said, realisation dawning on me as I realised just why every member of my family had chosen today to write to me. “I’d completely forgotten,” I said, feeling as though I’d been hit by a large tractor, and sank back into the chair.
My gaze fixed on the wall opposite as I began to remember things: back when she was alive, all her birthdays since then... My eyes had glazed over and I was looking without seeing. I didn’t want to think about it – I’d done so much thinking it was unreal. I spent all of my life living in my head instead of really living, and with so little time left I should really stop it.
Maybe my head would be all I had left in five months time. Or maybe I’d have nothing. Maybe I’d have everything.
Who knew?
The point of the matter was that I thought all the time, thinking of analogies and consequences and the past when really I shouldn’t bother thinking at all. There were no consequences left to think about for me, it was the matter of others, which kept me from becoming completely selfish. So was it best to think of others? Or think of me?
Or should I not think at all and just go flying into situations no matter whether it did good or bad.
Should I live for me, for others, or for experiences? Adrenaline? The thrill? Memories?
What was I supposed to aim for, dream for, when I knew that everything I so desperately wanted would never be a reality – that’s why I wanted it. Such a basic human nature – to want what I can’t have – the root of all human dreams and endeavours. The fat people want to be thin. The thin want to be fat. Those who are clever want to be sporty. Those who are sporty want to be clever. All these things going round in circles and loops, over and over.
There are a few that stay constant forever - to be more attractive, to fall in love and to earn a little more money. Who never wanted those things? Everyone did somewhere deep down.
There were so many things you could live for that I wasn’t sure what was normal or not anymore. I looked around the classroom and wondered what these people were living for, or were they just drifting along aimlessly like me?
I dug my nails into the surface of the desk, knowing I’d never be able to understand everything about the world despite wanting to with all my heart. I’d have to make do.
“What do you live for?” I asked, turning to Sirius – at least some of my questions could be answered.
Sirius shook his head in disbelief and turned away from me.
“What?” I snapped, annoyed at his unpredictable behaviour.
“You ignore me for goodness knows why, enough to put everyone in serious danger by fire, and then suddenly ask me some stupid, deep question? Well what if I’m ignoring you now?” Sirius retorted, and I noted there was now a pillow on the desk, indicating that he’d done the class work with a fair amount of success. McGonagall hadn’t even bothered giving me a hedgehog to try.
“If you were ignoring me you wouldn’t have replied.”
“Didn’t stop you.”
“Oh forget it,” I said, turning back to my letter and trying to get my eyes to focus on the words unsuccessfully. I closed my eyes in annoyance and resisted the urge to bang my head on the desk repeatedly. Why did everything just run around in circles?
And why the hell did I want Sirius Black?
I clenched my fists on the desk in annoyance and picked up the letter again, determined to read it.
Mary,
Hey, it’s me. Dad told me to write to you, as he said you find today hard so I should right to you. I’m really enjoying secondary school. It’s really fun and I have lots of friends.
I gave up, screwing the letter into a ball in the palm of my hand. The letter was about as real as Charlotte’s blonde hair – not at all. There’d be nothing about Ria screaming, Becky, Dad or Karen, just flat old nonsense about everything being fine. I didn’t want things being sugar coated.
I pulled out Becky’s letter from the pile and decided that it would probably give the least distorted view of reality. I glanced over at Sirius to find him watching me, but I knew he couldn’t read any of the letters from where he was sitting so I simply looked down back at the sheet of paper in front of me.
Dad told me I had to write to you. I don’t know why. To be frank I don’t care if Mum’s dead or not. I don’t care that...
I stopped reading it and glared at the parchment angrily. I couldn’t read anymore of that. I shut my eyes as tightly as possible to try and block it out and shoved the letters back in my pocket deciding that despite my dad’s best intentions, they only thing he had managed to do was make it all so much worse.
“I live for the sake of living,” Sirius said from my left. “I live because I don’t want to die, and because I’d like to make a difference I guess. Then I live to spite my parents and shake things up a bit – I don’t know. I live, because, well, that’s all we’ve got – you know?”
“Mmm,” I said in response, not wanting to admit how much more than me he had.
“There doesn’t have to be a reason behind it,” he said, watching me intently. “Not everything has to be reasonable,” he said, and I turned to watch him properly.
It was then that I realised that that damnable kiss had changed everything. That now it was impossible to sever all ties, because we were both connected in such a complicated way there was nothing I could do.
Sirius grinned as I stared at him, he smirked.
“Like what you see?” he asked, and I scowled at him, turning away, only sneaking the occasional look...
*********************
I didn’t know how. It seemed unfeasible to me that such a little thing could change so much. After everything else, I thought nothing would change, I thought I was immune to normal teenage stuff.
That kiss.
It would be fine if I could just push it from my mind and move forward, but it insisted in chasing me around everywhere I went. Every time I blinked. Every time I happened to look over at Sirius-god-damn-Black. Nate’s knowing glances. The Marauder’s hushed voices. The Gryffindor’s gossiping.
His fucking lips.
An artist will tell you that lips aren’t just lips. I’m no artist, but Sirius lips seem to prove that theory. His bottom lip was considerably bigger than the top, which was normal, but the difference seemed so obvious to me now. His top lip was less defined, it seemed, and thinner, but still quite large as lips go. They were a slightly pinky-reddy colour, which contrasted well with his semi-tan skin. He had set expressions for most individual people: for the Marauders he would have his grin, which was one of the most attractive ones; in lessons he would generally just look indifferent, with a slight up tilt at the corners while he drifted off into space, and when with females he’d have a smile that seemed sort of fake to me, but was sort of hot (yes, yes, I can say that, I’m past the denial stage...).
The thing that bothered me was that none of those facial expressions were identifiable with the ones he’d used when talking to me, or maybe I just hadn’t looked carefully enough. I could have sworn they were completely different to what I remember. It was something about the angles, which just didn’t seem to add up right...
Now, however, he had a new facial expression that he had invented just for me (yeah, I feel privileged). It was a mixture between scowling, curious, probing, annoyed, and a glint of something else. I didn’t like that one much.
“Stop looking at me,” I said, stiffly crossing my arms and shifting my chair as far as I could away from him.
“You wouldn’t notice if you didn’t keep looking yourself.”
“Well I wouldn’t look if I didn’t feel you watching me!”
“Well the only reason I was looking was because I saw you looking!”
“PISS OFF!” I yelled angrily, and he smirked and turned away.
“You’re still looking at me,” I grimaced through my gritted teeth.
“You sure about that?” he asked from next to me, “Why don’t you look and see?” he suggested, and I uncrossed my arms, and crossed them again just to have something to do, so I could resist the urge to turn around and look at him... “Come on Mary, look at me,” he said, and I could feel his hot breath on the skin of my neck and I just wanted to swat him away like a pesky fly, rather than have that weird sensation on my skin. It made me shiver. “Look at me,” he said, in what I assume he thought was a seductive way. I bit my lip and tried to concentrate on writing some notes that I didn’t need on my parchment, but it was hard when I could sense his lips were so close to my skin that I could feel the slight moisture from his breath resting there. I blinked and looked up to the front as he began to speak again, and I could feel every movement he made to form the words by the heat I could feel from behind me.
“Look at me Mary,” he said, and the mocking was evident in his voice as he watched me squirm and fidget to prevent myself from doing something stupid.
I turned around to glare at him, but he was even closer than I realised and so I was now only a millimetre away from him. My eyes widened in shock as I saw his face so close up to mine and I just froze there, taking in every detail of that face.
He looked nearly as surprised as I did at us finding ourselves in this predicament and he just stared at me. I was completely out of my depth at this point and couldn’t move for looking in his eyes. I couldn’t even bloody think, let alone move away.
His eyes moved from my eyes to my lips, and I felt my whole body shake slightly.
Shite.
I jerked my chair backwards noisily, accidently sending it flying backwards to the floor.
“Oops,” I said, turning around and putting it upright, breathing a deep sigh of relief and moving my chair to the furthest point I could away from him. Every single particle of my body was longing to move my chair back to its original position, but I fought the urge by gripping the table fiercely.
The bell rang a few moments after the... ‘exchange’, and both Sirius and I stood up hurriedly, stuffing our belongings into our bags so we could escape the stuffy classroom as quickly as possible. We were both nearing the door when two Ravenclaw boys, evidently having a race, pushed past us as they sprinted through the threshold.
The result being that I was knocked backwards, and pushed against the wall, where Sirius was pushed up against me. I don’t know how two boys could have made such a dramatic difference to our situation but they did.
I looked up at Sirius in a mix of horror, shock and an odd happiness as he looked on down at me with his eyes mirroring my expression. A current of high-voltage electricity seemed to pass through me as I found it was me this time that looked down at his lips, as if it were completely natural to. Again all these thoughts of his lips came whirring back into my brain, as I considered how they don’t exactly look soft (who’s lips even did look soft?), but more just all round kissable. I was just remembering how his lips felt on mine, and how I had felt at that moment when...
Stop it Mary!
I raised my hands and pushed his shoulders away from me, not wanting to make an even bigger fool of myself. I’d already snogged him once; there was no need to risk the humiliation again.
Sirius stepped backwards and stumbled.
“Black. I told you. I’m not interested,” I said harshly, purely because such a rare show of ‘feelings’ had been put on show to everyone in the room, who I now saw were watching.
“Like I’d ask,” Sirius said, pushing past me, having gained his footing, and walking out the room without waiting for the other Marauders.
“Nothing like a bit of sexual tension in the morning,” James chirped happily, before walking out with the other Marauders in tow. I scowled at the four retreating backs and slammed my fist against the door angrily. “They’re impossible!” I exclaimed, wanting to cry as Lily and Alice looked my way.
*********************
“Are you going to explain your pitiful attempt at blanking Sirius?” Lily asked, when I came and sat down next to them at lunch.
“Hmmm...” I considered sarcastically. “No.”
“Someone’s in a good mood,” Charlotte said, in that annoying voice of hers.
“Did anyone ask your opinion? No. So piss off!” I snapped, drumming my fingers on the table and glaring around angrily.
Alice sighed and I followed her gaze to see the Marauders plus Anita walk in. All five of us groaned simultaneously as the others approached to claim their seats.
“I asked Mike to join us. I hope that’s okay,” Alice asked, rather quickly.
“Oo! Are you guys getting serious?” Lily asked, suddenly enthused. “Are you going to Hogsmead together on Saturday?”
“Yeah,” Alice said, nodding. “He’s coming over now,” She said, glancing over to the Ravenclaws. “Some of his friends are coming too,” she added unnecessarily, as we saw the whole Ravenclaw Quidditch team, a few other boys, Amanda Brocklehurst and, of course, Marlene McKinnon heading over in our direction. So basically around half the Ravenclaw table.
The Marauders arrived and we made space for them to sit down grudgingly – for once we all wanted them to piss off.
“Can a few of Anita’s friends sit with us?” Remus asked, as they sat down and I wondered how the hell we were all meant to fit.
“You’re not very popular are you?” Alice asked, sharply. “I meant, because there’s not going to be much room,” she continued. when Remus shot her a death glare.
“God,” James said, turning and seeing the mass of Ravenclaws coming over. “What are they doing?” he asked, and no one answered him.
Mike Longbottom arrived first, smiled at Alice, then leaned down and snogged her.
I looked away awkwardly as he proceeded to eat her face.
“God,” James repeated again, his eyebrows rising up his head as he turned to talk to the others. Remus looked to have gone a rather ridiculous shade of purple, and Frank Longbottom appeared to have gone white. They were the only two watching though, as the Ravenclaws settled among as, pushing us out of the way until I was completely separated from everyone except the Marauders.
“How disgustingly affectionate,” Marlene commented, pushing herself a space between me and the guy she’d blown a kiss to at the Quidditch match. “For the love of Merlin’s wrinkly arse, somebody throw something over them before I’m sick!” she exclaimed, before pulling me into a conversation about muggle studies...
*********************
My head was spinning as I left the great hall, giving up on eating completely, and decided that there couldn’t be a more annoying thing than Jason Boot’s constant flirting with everything with legs, Alice and Remus’ game of who was more over who across the table, matched with Lily constantly going on about why I was in such a bad mood, Marlene pestering me about what the letter said, and Rachel talking about how I dropped my wand into the fire to rapturous laughter. I couldn’t actually take another second, so I had eventually made some stupid excuse about needing the toilet and left.
Someone had made a joke about me throwing up, but other than that no one had seemed to care enough to really pay attention, and I was fine with that.
I found myself walking to the classroom Sirius and I had been meeting in, knowing it would be empty, and I sat down on the desk, my whole body suddenly feeling exhausted. I lay back on it and forced myself not to cry.
Everything felt like it was building on me again, and it was almost as if there was something vital that I’d forgot or missed, something that I needed to sort out, but I knew it was just my brain working overtime as per usual.
I wanted a day just to stop thinking – anything to stop me thinking – so I could clear my brain out a little and have a break. I was even thinking in my sleep – remembering and making discoveries I never thought I could ever make. I just wanted blissful blankness for at least a few minutes, so I could concentrate on actually doing something with my life.
I forced my face to relax and I felt my forehead uncrease from lines of annoyance that I hadn’t even been aware of. I brought my hands up to my face, and stretched the skin with the palms of my hands in annoyance, wanting more than anything just to be able to relax completely – like having dreamless sleep. That haven of thinking and feeling nothing just for a few minutes.
“Hey,” a voice said, and I stood up to see Sirius in the door way. A flash of annoyance coursed through me, but I couldn’t make it last any longer than that, despite my best wishes, and in the end it was stripped back to leave me with nothing but exhaustion.
I was so tired of everything. Every second my body was upright I could feel it gripping me, and I just wanted to sink back into something comfy instead of forcing myself through the rest of this day.
“Hi,” I mumbled, not much wanting conversation. I didn’t want him to be here anyway and I briefly considered telling him to fuck off, but thought better of it.
My head hurt from being scrunched up in annoyance, and my whole body was tired.
Everything was weighing down on me and I felt like I’d been running for miles and miles while being pushed to the floor constantly. Having to pull myself back on to my feet and keep going before I was sent flying down to the floor again. It was too much.
Sirius didn’t say anything and instead simply sat at the table I was lying on, drumming his fingers on the desk.
“Are you okay?” he asked, after a while of silence and I nodded, trying to stop tears from flooding down my face, and trying to work out what exactly was wrong in the first place.
“Yeah,” I said, blinking my eyes shut.
“Lily and Alice are distracted, and you’re not talking to Nate,” he said slowly, his voice filling my brain so that I didn’t have to think anymore. “You should talk to someone,” he said, his fingers brushing the side of my hand and sending shivers up to my spine. “Is it about your mum?”
“It’s not just that,” I said, sitting up, but not looking at him. His index finger danced circles on the back of my hand and I closed my eyes. “Something’s not right,” I said finally. “And everything’s just so...” I began, but trailed off, not knowing the end of the sentence for the life of me.
What was wrong?
All I knew was that I kept getting so angry at the world, then feeling so saddened and upset by it that I just wanted to crawl into a ball and sleep until it was all gone. All the imperfections of the world were standing out to me, like black finger prints on a white wall, and now I’d seen them I couldn’t miss them. I wanted to paint over them with thick white paint, but every time I tried the paint turned black and it became more and more obvious.
Whatever I tried to cover the marks just made them worse and more obvious until eventually I’d just have to live with the fact that it was all there was going to be. I wish I could be one of those people who saw the black imperfections of life and didn’t care. I cared about every person who was suffering. There were people starving, suffering, dying... and there was nothing to be done.
What if the world never changes?
"Come on, we need to get to class," he said softly, offering his hand to help me down from the desk.
*************
Walking into potions, Sirius morphed back into the person who he pretended to be around the others, and I forced a smile onto my face.
Alice stood outside with Mike. I decided I disliked him as he told some stupid joke, and I heard her laughing.
“My Romeo!” she said in a sugar sweet voice as we approached. I grimaced, and watched as he leant down to kiss her again. I sighed, knowing she didn’t like the bloke and was doing this for no other reason than to get back at Remus. Remus was saying his goodbyes on the opposite side of the corridor, and had gone for a slightly different task of making Alice jealous.
“I’ll miss you,” he said softly to Anita, and then he whispered something in her ear, and kissed her cheek softly. She giggled.
I instantly felt sorry that it was her who was caught up in this mess (it was harder to feel sorry for Mike, as he was currently eating my friends face).
Sirius gave me a look that told me he clearly felt the same way (or maybe I’m imagining things?) and then we both split up to our separate places.
Lily was laughing and joking with James like she hadn’t been pissed with him all of yesterday and half of today. James looked around at me and winked, as if this was somehow down to me (I’ll pretend it is if it means James now owes me). I sighed, knowing I would probably never understand the girl and collapsed into my seat next to James (thanking Merlin that I didn’t have to sit next to Sirius again, I had a feeling I was going to get pissed at him again soon). “Hey Mary,” Lily said brightly. “Where’ve you been?” she asked, and I just sighed instead of answering, pulling my parchment and quill out.
******************
I found that my gaze was fixed on the back of Sirius’s head. Admittedly, his hair was rather nice, but as back of heads go there was nothing that special about it. It was just of the back of a head. No more special than the back of what’s-her-name-Bones sitting next to him.
Except it was. Because it was his head – Sirius’s head – and of course because it was the back of his head my gaze was instantly stuck there.
I was annoyed at myself for being so shallow.
And stupid.
I’d convinced myself that I was past this want... lust, you might call it. I thought that because I was dying, because I’d been through so much more than most people that it wouldn’t affect me like that.
Of course it did.
Everyone can be affected by something like that: such a basic strong human nature, a need. No one was past it. You could get grannies so filled with lust and longing (not that I’ve had any experience of this (and thank Merlin for that!)) that they were overwhelmed by it.
I’d never wanted anyone quite so badly though. Thinking back to last year when I’d been ‘in love’ with Sirius I don’t think I’d wanted him this badly – I’d wanted the idea of him. That had been a childhood fantasy of sorts, not anything realistic, but now I found myself liking and wanting every single part of him to the point of stupidity.
What the hell could I do about it?
I’d obviously failed at getting rid of this... feeling. So what else was there to do? Act like there was nothing there? Or what.
Where else could this thing even go? Even if the want was double-sided, that would be all there was surely... a want.
Right?
My mind drifted back to lunch time.
It hadn’t felt unnatural to lie there in his presence and just be myself almost completely, like I had at lunch. Thinking and sorting out my thoughts as Sirius traced circles over my hand. I wasn’t scared of being vulnerable in front of him. He felt the need to make sure I was okay, but knew me well enough to know that I didn’t want to talk. I felt responsible for his happiness in a way that I never thought was possible, and I’d told him more about what was wrong with me than I had any other person... ever.
Sure, I’d told Marlene the big taboo, but little things slipped out of my mouth around Sirius before I could censor them, and they built up.
I felt connected to Sirius in a way that was maybe a little more than just me liking what I saw. I knew him, far more than I probably should, so I was fully aware of all his little faults and quirks. I shook my head as I realised that this had been Quiggles’ plan all along: make us spend time together as much as possible until we knew each other far too well to hate each other any longer.
I didn’t hate him, but I knew we’d never work as friends. I didn’t know what we would work as – I’m not even sure we’d work at all.
Maybe this thing had been rooted deep down in the foundations of our relationship, far before either of us even thought about the kiss.
It was inevitable.
********
“You were staring at me,” Sirius said, cornering me as I came out of potions. “The whole time,” he added, grinning like a complete prat.
“I was not,” I countered, trying to push his grip away from me as I saw the others begin walking to our next lesson (defence against the dark arts). I looked at them longingly, wishing that at least one of them had realised I was being molested.
“I could practically hear your inner monologue,” he said, leaning forward so he was nearly pressed against me, but staying far enough away that I wasn’t actually touching him at all. “You’ve been thinking about what I said yesterday,” he said, and I could hear how much this thrilled him by the amusement in his voice.
“You’re talking crap,” I snapped at him, folding my hands over my chest and glaring at him, but feeling much more like a deer caught in the headlights.
“You’ve realised you want me.”
“NO I HAVEN’T!” I yelled, pushing him away from me and stalking away. Shaking as I did so.
***************************
“I don’t know why you don’t just admit it?” Sirius said, his hand resting on the desk far too close to my stuff, and his knee touching mine under the table. I stretched my legs outwards and put them behind my chair where Sirius couldn’t reach them. This stupid game of his was not fun.
Professor Quigley was walking around the desks, checking we were all making notes, and I looked at her for help desperately – I did not need this distraction. If I was going to get a good grade...
Oh. Wait. I’ll die before the damn exams. Why am I still doing homework then?
“Mary, you’re good at Defence right?” Sirius asked, leaning over the desk to look at my book. I snorted gracefully (sort of). “I mean theory,” he said, smirking at me. “What does this bit mean?” he asked, pulling his chair closer to show me which sentence he was talking about. His finger was resting on some words that I couldn’t concentrate on because his shoulder was pressing against my arm.
“I...it means...” I began nervously, knowing Quiggles was watching us and waiting for me to answer. “That, well. In significance to...” I began, blinking to try and focus the words. “The fact that, due to my opinions on the matter, I, myself, personally think that in actual fact,” I stopped, wearily trying to think of something before Quigley came over and it turned out we were struggling over the spell to turn matches into needles (although actually, I can’t do that). “In retrospect it could mean that in my views... But on the other hand it could also be leaning towards the statement beginning with the words, which I think...” I trailed off, desperately trying to get my eyes to focus on the text. “That it’s the spell to turn pigs into tables.” I finished, finally being able to read it. “Which is a spell that is actually pointless, but really cool. Why don’t you read about it in your book?” I said, pushing him over to the other side of the table bitterly.
“That’s a good point,” Sirius said, scanning through the pages in his books and scribbling down something about the spell he had asked me about. “Why haven’t you written anything, would you like me to help you?” Sirius grinned.
“No!” I snapped, turning to glare at him.
“Mary, if you’re struggling then maybe you should let him help you?” Amanda Brocklehurst asked from behind us.
“Hey, Amanda,” Sirius said, turning his chair around slightly, saying her name in a weird silky way that I didn’t like. “I haven’t talked to you for a while,” he said, smiling at her sickeningly. “Maybe we should catch up later?” he suggested.
“Yeah okay,” Amanda said, blinking twice in surprise. “But not tonight, I have prefect duties,”
I turned around and glared at my parchment angrily. I grabbed my ink well and began making notes furiously. Sirius was just finishing making his arrangements with Amanda –bitch – Brocklehurst when I ‘accidently ‘knocked over my inkwell all over his side of the table.
“Oh sugar!” I said, standing up as I watched Sirius’s work disappear under the sea of quickly spreading black ink satisfyingly. “Merlin Sirius, I’m so sorry!” I apologised, daring him to challenge me.
“It’s okay, maybe Amanda could help me catch up again,” he said, glaring at me.
“Well maybe I’ll -” I began, but I was interrupted by the door banging open.
Nate stood at the doorway looking panicked and as if he had just been running.
“Nate?” Professor Quigley asked him, but he brushed her aside and began searching for someone among the students. His eyes fixed on me and before I realised it I was on my feet. My heart was beating painfully fast in my chest as I looked at him, his panic inhabiting me before I even knew what it was about.
“I need to talk to you – now,” he said, his words shattering the shelter I’d been under.
A/N - Sorry about the cliffie... Next chapter is quiet possibly the most eventful chapter ever. I'm quiet excited in a mellow sort of way... any predictions or favourite quotes would really make me happy, and please review guys. :)
A/N - Hello guys, it's been a while - longer than I'd realised! This update should have been a few days earlier but I've beeen soooo sooo busy! THank you all for reviewing, and I promise I will respond to every signle review (even if it takes me a few days). Hope you all enjoy, and don't kill me too much!
Border line,
Dead inside.
I don't mind,
Falling to pieces.
-Breaking benjamin Unkown soilder
From my experience I’ve always found that there are two types of hospitals: either a grubby white designed to make them look clean and sterile or they’re painted in bright colours to make them seem more cheerful and welcoming. Neither is particularly comforting, and this hospital was no different. I hadn’t been here before and looking around the corridor I could see it was so incredibly muggle. I was so used to the magical walls and presence in Hogwarts that I hadn’t remembered how much weaker I felt in the muggle world. At Hogwarts there was a presence that made me a little stronger – all that magical air that I was breathing in flooding through my veins and to my muscles. Here though, the oxygen was flat and dizzyingly weak, even though I was just sitting down. Or maybe that was the panic resting on my brain.
Dumbledore had cast some charm so that I was now in muggle clothes before we left, and they clung to my skin frustratingly, the different fabrics feeling too heavy and unnatural. It made me feel uneasy as I gripped the bottom of the plastic seat in the corridor.
I wanted to cry so much it was unreal but my eyes remained completely dry. I wanted to let all the pain out, instead of having it stuffed up inside me, twisting all my organs into a tight ball of pain and anger. Maybe if I cried it wouldn’t hurt so much, but now when I really needed tears they wouldn’t come, and all I could do was stare at the wall opposite.
My fists were clenched tightly at my sides and my shoulders were so tense that it hurt. There was a sharp pain in my back and I still felt as exhausted as I had this morning.
I couldn’t go in and see her, I knew that for sure. I couldn’t bear to see her body broken and battered in the hospital bed; I’d walked in and taken one look before bolting back out into the corridor, no one followed me. I knew that if I cried I’d feel so much better, but now when I really needed them there were no tears to cry.
Becky.
My brain was whizzing with the fear of what could have happened if she’d chosen to do this any other day – if today hadn’t been Mum’s birthday and dad hadn’t thought to check up on her she’d still be lying in the bath. That would be that. Bye bye Becky. She would have been gone forever.
She could still be gone forever.
I gripped the edge of the seat harder and concentrated hard on the ground – it seemed the safest place to look due to the stupid notices that plastered the walls: depression is normal, do you feel S.A.D.? Hygiene is essential! Are you qualified for a flu jab? They hardly helped the sombre mood. I really wanted to storm up to whoever decorated this hospital and tell them they’d done it all wrong, and yell at them until I couldn’t speak anymore.
I watched as a family of four walked past me, down the corridor. There was a child of around six, with pink trainers that flashed when she walked, who hung off her big sister’s arm, laughing and giggling. The big sister was trying her hardest to be morose, but kept laughing at the little one’s antics. Their father looked to be in a state, and barely noticed the other two. His son, around nine, clung on to his hand looking terrified. I hoped they’d be okay. They looked like a nice family.
My thoughts returned to my own family just behind that wall, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to step back into the room.
I knew I often over-thought everything that came my way until tiny little details began to take on incredible significance, but it wasn’t something I had much control over; my brain still kept screaming all these “what if’s” at me, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
What if she spent so long out of university that she had to drop out? How would she ever get a decent job? Would she start all over again as all her friends moved out and away?
What if she got sacked from her job? Like last time when they sacked her for being unstable, and the time before where the told her they couldn’t afford to keep her on board – she hadn’t even been in a relapse then! Employers don’t want crazy, mood-swingy, depressed employees! Can you blame them?
What if next time she succeeds?
Then the guilt set in like a knife to the stomach – why hadn’t I thought of any of this before?
The fact was I’d been too engrossed in my own life to remember Becky, broken and away from home, Dad, Karen and Johnny just trying to pretend like everything was normal – god, Johnny. He’d only been a baby last time and I knew this must have been screwing him up, finally understanding what all those snippets of memories actually meant.
Why hadn’t I wrote to her and asked her if she was okay? Sent her an owl at least.
Instead I’d been so distracted by Sirius, Lily, Alice and stupid little problems like that – my sister could have died and I was too caught up in my own little dramas to care. I’d forgotten all about them after that first week of worrying, I’d let it all drop to the back of my mind and now look...
I stood up, not wanting to be sat down any longer and paced along the side of the wall, wondering if any of them were ever going to come out and join me. I doubted it, and I couldn’t blame them – if it was helping them to stare at her crumpled form then they were free to do it. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t.
****************
I forced myself into the room, feeling bile rise in my throat as I saw all the wires and tubes connecting her up to the machines. She looked so peaceful, despite her skin being stretched even further over her bones so she looked more like a skeleton than my sister. Her make-up, which would normally be quite gothic, looked minimal matched with the pure paleness of her skin, and her hair fanned out behind her face made her look a lot more innocent than I knew her to be. I knew full well that she had numerous piercings and tattoo’s marking her skin and hidden from view by the white hospital gown. She was always doing and saying stupid, stupid things – I remember once she took her sleeping pills rather than her anti-depressants one morning, and how she’d told me about her and her boyfriend having sex in an effort to cheer me up.
She was tactless, she was frustrating, but she was what made being at home just that little bit better: with her none too subtle descriptions and the knack of making everything dodgy. I couldn’t lose her now. I simply couldn’t!
Johnny grabbed my hand tightly next to me, and I saw how his eyes were fixed on her like he’d seen her for the very first time. I squeezed his hand as tightly as I could in return. I wanted him to know completely that I was there, and I wasn’t going to let go anytime soon. He leant against my side and I felt another stab of guilt as I realised just how much I’d been neglecting them. I hadn’t realised how incomplete the family felt with someone missing, and it reminded me painfully of my impending fate. I gripped Johnny’s hand tighter and tried to memorise the feeling of his hand resting in mine and thought about how much I was going to miss out. His first girlfriend, his first job, when he got engaged, his wedding, and when he became a father. I felt helpless. I wanted to mother him, I wanted to hold him tight and rock him in my arms, like mum had never been able to. He needed Becky just as much as I did, he needed Becky when I was gone and he began to forget about me and mum. He’d be desperate to hold onto it, but things would fade away and he needed Becky there. He couldn’t lose anyone else.
Dad needed her. Dad needed Becky to remind him of what life had been like. He needed Becky to be there when he lost me, and he needed Becky to be there at Christmas dinner – scornful and sarcastic about every present – but making us all laugh at the unfortunate shape of the balloons, or how what Grandpa said could be so misinterpreted.
I needed Becky, despite how much I talked about hating her. I needed her as much as I needed all of them. There was no point trying to detach myself from them the way I did, they were irreplaceable in my life.
And I’d forgotten them.
I forced myself to look at Becky until I knew the image would be etched on the back of my eyelids.
Never would I ever forget about my family again.
Not ever.
****************
I bounced Ria on my knee in the hospital cafe, regretting leaving Johnny in the ward, and sipped on my hot chocolate. Ria had started crying, and I offered to take her as I knew Karen didn’t want to leave Dad’s side, and there was no way Dad was going to leave Becky. He hadn’t said a word till I’d got here, and Johnny had told me in an audible whisper that they’d been here for at least an hour before hand, instead Dad had spent the whole time clutching Becky’s hand with tears falling down his face. Karen had stood looking at him, her eyes bright red but uncrying.
I’d felt more sympathy for Karen than I’d ever done before, because I knew she felt just the same as I did, distant and unconnected from all of it, just hoping that everything would be okay again.
I pulled Ria tight towards me and whispered in her soft ear the only words of comfort I could think of, the same ones as my mother had whispered to me all those years ago. “The whole world’s waiting for you – you’re going to have everything,” I whispered, again and again into her ear. “The world’s waiting for you little baby Ria, you’re going to have everything you could ever want. I hope you don’t miss me, I hope you don’t even remember I existed,” I said, meaning them for the first time in my entire life.
There were too many people who’d lost people; she didn’t need to remember losing me too.
****************
Ria was asleep. She looked immensely peaceful, and I knew she understood nothing of what was going on. I was glad. Right now Ria’s life should be perfect. I sighed, brushing the top of her head with my fingers, and wished again that I could cry and let it all out. My eyes had other ideas. I put my hands in my unfamiliar pockets and buried my hands as far as they go. I wanted to bury myself far away, in the warmth of a blanket, or in someone’s arms. I longed to be a baby again, tucked up safe in my mother’s arms; I wished she was still whispering to me those same words as she had so long ago, even though they’d always been lies.
The world’s waiting for you – you’re going to have everything.
I tried counting my blessings on my fingers inside my pockets, but I didn’t want to think about it. I wished I had everything. Everything is a lot to have.
A sharp pain shot through my finger, and I pulled it out of my pocket instantly. A drop of blood ran down from my middle finger, and I watched it, transfixed as it ran down my palm before wiping the blood away: a paper cut.
I put my left hand back in my pocket and pulled out a selection of pieces of parchment, turning them over in my hands.
The letters from my family, and from Daniel McKinnon.
Before I could think about it, his letter was unfolded in front of me, and I began to read.
Mary,
I trust Marlene has talked to you by now, and I want you to know that it’s not completely how she makes it to be. I need to tell you in person for you to really understand.
Instead I’m writing this because I’ve found something of interest to you, and to ensure Marlene explains the situation to you in her own words as I doubt she would tell you otherwise, and you needed to know.
I’ve been working with the research team, as you should know, and found out a lot of information about your mother.
I don’t know if you know this, but your mother’s death occurred due to fault in a potion designed to make Ephaiyadaic’s lives longer, and to help keep them strong. I collected this information about her life, because I thought you might want to know.
Your mother – Sandra McDonald, previously Sandra Mullet – grew up in a three bedroom, two bathroom house as an only child. She lived near the border between Scotland and England, where she met your father – Andrew McDonald – and his family. When she was younger she had blonde hair, bright blue eyes and very pale skin. She was a daddy’s girl and helped him out with his work. Her father, who made broomsticks, and her mother, who worked at the department of law enforcement at the ministry of magic, were trying for another baby when her father died of Ephaiyadaphia when she was fifteen years old. Sandra was desperately upset, dyed her hair black and got a tattoo running away all the way up her back in rebellion against her mother, with whom the relationship had been strained. Sandra settled down with the arrival of her first long term boyfriend – Edward Griffin who was also in Gryffindor. They dated for three years but broke up when she left Hogwarts and moved to a different part of the country. Here Sandra embarked on her culinary career, which she had decided was her only other passion other than Quidditch (she had given up after the death of her father).
She met Andrew McDonald while he was in a relationship with a muggle girl who lived near by; they fell instantly in love and got married several years later. They moved away to Norfolk, a town called Caister-on-sea, after a tour around England when Sandra fell in love with the place. She got a job as a chef at a local restaurant and they were very happy until she was told about the nature of the disease that killed her father.
I believe you know the rest and I hope that you’ve found this helpful. I also have your mother’s diary from Hogwarts, which I naturally haven’t opened, and I will give this to you in person as soon as I can.
Daniel
I felt like my heart stopped as I re-read the letter, trying to image my mother’s face coming alive from the parchment as her story danced around in my head. She didn’t seem half so average when her story was written like this – but then she seemed even more average at the same time. I didn’t know what I was supposed to think or feel about her anymore, but for once I felt her presence. I’d wanted her to wrap me in her arms, and she had, she was wrapping her story around me and I found that it did bring more comfort than I’d expected it to.
I wondered how someone might write my life down, and who would want to read it.
I read the words a third time through, and they washed over me like water, and I found myself feeling even more detached from reality than I had before.
I looked up from the end of his letter with my hands shaking slightly. I blinked twice and reached for the hot chocolate in front of me, needing something to do to connect me back to the world I was in. The hot chocolate was vile – hospital cafes normally are rubbish but this one was taking things to a new extreme – and I placed down the hot chocolate down on the table after taking in the repulsive smell. I looked down at the letter in my hands and ran my fingers over the words.
“Hey,” a voice said, and Daniel McKinnon sat down opposite me.
His appearance didn’t even surprise me, I think I probably expected him to turn up the second I opened the letter. It was the absence of reality that the letter had brought that made me feel like anything was possible.
“Hot chocolate?” I asked, pushing it towards him. He shook his head, his expression serious although I could see the hint of a smile in his eyes. He was very different from Sirius I thought, and I instantly felt guilty for comparing them when really there was no comparison: Sirius was mood-swingy, arrogant, slutty, wanted, hot and well... funny; Daniel was creepy, stalkerish, amazing clever, not unattractive, serious, intense and rather weird. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to feel disturbed by his presence – I almost needed him to be here, and he knew that, and he was here.
He had sat down without invitation and looked at me with a gaze so powerful and intense that I just wanted to move backwards, but was sucked in all the same. “I’m sorry,” he said, and I nodded weakly, now at a complete loss for what to say. Now I knew more of his background he seemed like a completely different person, he seemed so much more intense and full of something so awe inspiring and fascinating. “Sorry I’m late,” he added, as if this had been a mutual arrangement.
“It’s quite all right,” I said, utterly perplexed by him in a way that I hadn’t been before. I still felt weak from everything that had happened, and his presence made me want to cry even more, but my eyes didn’t even well up as I studied his face carefully.
“Hot chocolate,” he said, placing a cup of the stuff onto the table and pushing it towards me. “I didn’t buy it from here,” he added once he saw my face. “I thought you might need something else,” he said, still looking right at me like he could see through my soul. I didn’t like it, it made me uncomfortable.
“You’re a life saver,” I said, my voice coming out overly cheerful and too high as I pulled the cup towards me and drank. The heat flooded through me deliciously and its frothy, chocolaty taste erased the taste of the hospital hot chocolate completely. The world seemed to right itself a little more, and the hospital cafe became a little clearer.
“It’s okay,” he said, standing up again. “I wanted to talk to you, but now’s not the time. You have mail to read,” he said. “I’ll come and talk to you another time,” he said, pulling out a black book from his coat pocket. “Your mother’s diary.”
He moved away and disappeared completely into the crowd.
I looked away, unsure of what I was suppose to do with myself. I looked back down at my hands and the other pieces of parchment in my fingers, and the one on the top – the letter from Becky.
Dad told me I had to write to you. I don’t know why. To be frank I don’t care if Mum’s dead or not. I don’t care that it’s her birthday today. For the first time it doesn’t even bother me. I don’t care about any of it anymore. I don’t care you’re dying. I don’t care about the baby. I don’t care about Pete. I can’t care about any of it because it hurts too much. I’m done with it. Done with it all. This is it Mary, no one’s going to stop me this time. I’m finishing it. It’s all going to end. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing else I can do. I can’t live like this. I can’t live. I’m not brave like you.
I’m through.
My heart stopped.
****************
How could I have been so bloody selfish? How could I have stopped reading the note? If she died this was going to be all my fault! They could have got to her sooner. She could be fine right now. She could be awake and conscious.
She’d be screaming at us, screaming at me, screaming at the doctors to let her die. To let her take the pills, to let her slit her wrists, to let her drown in the bath, that she had the right to die.
She’d scream about how lucky I was, how lucky I was that my life would be ending soon anyway, she be telling us we’d be happier dead, that we should let ourselves die, and how none of us would be selfless enough to let her die her way.
“They told me you were here Mary,” Nate’s voice said as he sat down opposite me. He looked as tired as I felt and his face was full of sympathy.
I thrust the letter into his hands.
“She sent me that. And I didn’t read it,” I said through gritted teeth. I wanted to dig my nails into my skin until it bled. I wanted to punch the metal of the table until my knuckles were swollen and bruised. I wanted to throw myself against the wall again and again until my brain went numb.
Instead I sat there as Nate read the letter and pulled me into a hug. I rested on his chest, listening to the regularity of his heart beat, and being so glad that I had Nate on my side no matter what.
***************
“I did magic this morning,” I told Nate, as we walked back to the ward where Becky lay, still unconscious and dead to the world. “This oil was on fire, and I stopped them putting water on it. Wordlessly.”
Nate nodded and considered the matter slowly.
“What does it mean?” I asked when my patience evaporated and I got tired of watching him think about it. “Am I getting better?” I asked, in the hope that there might be something good about the day.
“I think that maybe you never lost your magical ability completely and that you just needed a moment of panic and urgency to bring it out again.”
“So I’m not getting better,” I stated, sighing and feeling very young and helpless again. I ran my fingers over the black bindings of my mother’s diary, which made me feel slightly better.
“No,” Nate confirmed sadly. “But I don’t think you’re going down at quite the same rate,” he added. “I’ll look after her,” Nate said, turning to me seriously. “Dumbledore said I could have a week or two off. I’m going to do as much as I can to help her, even if it means casting spells on her when no one’s looking and force feeding her potions. She’s going to wake up. I haven’t been here for you recently Maz, and I’m sorry, because I can’t even begin to imagine what it might feel like to have the ground pulled from beneath you and everything falling downwards. Everything spiralling downwards to one point, and feeling so lost and not knowing what to do with the rest of your life. I’m sorry Mary,” he said, looking more earnest and truthful than I’d seen him before.
“Kate’s been talking sense into me. I haven’t really taken on board what this must be like for you, and I’m trying to now. I swore to myself that I’d get that cure ready for you, and I’m not sure if I can manage it anymore – but I’m going to bloody well try! And I swear now that Becky is going to be just fine!” he said, and my heart swelled with gratitude. “Now, what you’re going to do is this. You’re going to go and talk to your family, and then you’re going to go back to Hogwarts where your friends are and you’re not going to worry. You’re going to just carry on like everything is normal. I’ll be here checking everything’s all right, and I’ll contact you when I have any news – good or bad. You can come and visit them on Sunday,” he said, his voice so reassuring and confident that I almost believed him.
***************
The walls of Hogwarts hadn’t changed in that day I’d been at home. I’d almost expected to come back to find everything different and bewildering to me, now I’d really seen the fragility of life. Somehow I thought Hogwarts would have become more mundane and suffocating, but in actual fact it only appeared to be more welcoming than before. Anything to get away from the whiteness of hospitals and my family’s faces, haunting me everywhere I looked, even when I closed my eyes.
Nate was right – it was best to be back here.
I tightened my fists at my sides and braced myself for what was to come. It didn’t really feel right to be going back to lessons when life had nearly stopped completely, but it felt more right than sitting in a cafe sipping on yet another foul hot chocolate, gradually becoming more and more used to the taste. I needed to do something a little more productive and something that would take my mind off things – it was best if I was in lessons, but those didn’t start until tomorrow morning and this evening now seemed to stretch out in front of me, until it seemed like weeks and years before tomorrow, instead of a few hours.
I needed to stop thinking about things and get a grip on myself, and I couldn’t do that at the hospital. I needed to sit down and feel the full ferocity of my grief before I could turn the corner and begin to accept that I had nearly lost my sister.
I walked slowly, not being altogether sure that I could move any faster if I tried, as I wrestled under the weight on my shoulders.
I sighed, pulling myself together and deciding that if I was going to last any length of time here at all I needed to sort myself out. I ran my fingers through my hair and forced myself to smile. The action made me want to cry, but I forced the expression to remain on my face.
Then I saw them walking down the corridor, and my resolve collapsed.
Alice was the shortest of them all, and stood a good few inches below them all, her brown hair framing her face as they walked towards me. Lily’s red hair was wilder and more out of control than normal, probably down to James, due to the look her face. Rachel and Charlotte were there too, slightly behind the others and gossiping to each other rather than talking to the others. James also looked a little disgruntled, but his expression changed completely when he saw me. Remus was expressionless as he looked at me, standing between James and Lily as if he’d been keeping them apart. Peter stood to the left of James, and it looked as if he was trying to engage them in conversation. Sirius was standing on the end, slightly detached from the others, with lines of worry engraved on his face. I vaguely registered that for once Anita and Mike weren’t present, and I realised how strange and distant those trivial problems now.
It took them a moment to react to my presence and reach me.
“God!” James exclaimed, and I realised that I must look awful and broken. Someone else spoke, but I didn’t see any of them, I only saw Sirius.
One minute I was standing, weakly, on my legs expecting them to collapse from underneath me and the next Sirius had pulled me up into his arms, as everything crashed back down on me again. My whole body was shaking, but I didn’t cry as I felt the full force of everything weighing on my shoulders. Sirius’s arms were wrapped tight around me, and I wasn’t altogether sure if my feet were resting on the ground again.
My whole body was exhausted and weak, and I wasn’t sure if I could speak anymore, let alone move. The others had gone silent, or maybe I just couldn’t hear them anymore, and my head was spinning in circles of what ifs, guilt and pain. I gripped tight on to Sirius’s arms and I could feel the material of his shirt on my skin.
“Come on,” Sirius’s voice said in my ear as I closed my eyes, not wanting to see anything at all.
***************
Sirius was tracing circles on the back of my hand again, only this time I was lying back on his chest and trembling with the grief I’d been holding back. I hadn’t even known that I was holding it back before, but obviously I couldn’t let it all lose while trying to hold the remnants of my family together just a little bit. So now I was, to put it plainly, in a complete state and an utter mess. My hands were in tight fists at my sides, only loosened by his fingers brushing the back of them, and soothing me enough to prevent myself from screaming or inflicting bodily harm in my aguish.
Sirius didn’t say anything and just held me.
I liked the feeling of his strong arms around me, and leaning back on his chest as it spread warmth through me that blocked out at least some of the feelings I didn’t want to feel. Despite all the pent up emotion and stress that my body was holding in, I felt safer than I had before, and his breath on the back of my neck was soft and comforting. I didn’t want him to talk, I knew if he talked I wouldn’t have anything to say, and I didn’t want to have to think about anything. Instead I concentrated all my attention on the circles he was drawing on the back of my hand, and wondering how close they were to perfect circles and how they might look if he drew them in ink. I thought back to the letter in my pocket and wondered what my mother’s tattoos might have looked like. I considered how my hand would look with a dark, black circle tattooed on to the surface.
I squeezed my fist tighter in anger at myself, cursing myself for not knowing my mother that well, and not knowing as much about Becky’s life as I now so desperately wanted to.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and suddenly my thoughts all shifted. “What happened?”
My head was still spinning with thoughts and memories and stupid little insignificant details. I wanted to tell him. But my mouth wasn’t working and the guilt was building up on me again. I just wanted to be able to tell him exactly what I was thinking, or stop thinking all together and have a few moments of painless freedom. I shook my head at him sadly, and he nodded.
For some reason I knew he understood that I couldn’t talk about it right now.
I just wanted to sleep forever – cease to think.
Stop thinking.
My thoughts were racing and my head was spinning.
When was the last time I was so blissfully unaware of everything that had happened? When was the last time I hadn’t had to think at all? When had I last had a completely clear brain of all negative thoughts and memories?
Thursday.
Thursday evening – God I hated to admit it – Thursday evening.
I turned to look at Sirius properly, wondering whether I had the guts and the desperation to do the one thing that was absolutely sure to stop me thinking completely.
I blinked twice and decided it was the only thing I could do. That I was desperate enough to do something I normally never would have considered.
I surveyed Sirius carefully, wondering what he’d do but not really being sure. I knew if I over-thought that matter I’d think myself out of it. I turned my body around to look at him carefully, and moved myself closer him to see his reaction. He looked down at me, and I could tell he was worried about me, but wasn’t going to say anything more until I did. A part of my brain decided that I had to, so I pulled myself even closer and kissed him roughly.
He was kissing me back instantly without thinking, and I found my brain going blissfully numb, concentrating only on what my body was doing. It felt the same as last time, only this time I was the driving force behind it, and Sirius was reacting just a second behind me.
I pushed my body further forwards and wrapped my arms around him. Sirius’s hand were wrapped around my waist as he pulled me closer towards him, and kissed me with more intensity than before, so that my brain was utterly silent (except for following what exactly was going on). He moved his lips away from mine and touched my nose with his lightly, like he had when I was doing that dare, before moving back to my lips. Then my hands were in his hair, his lips were trailing along my cheek, and he was somehow pushing me backwards until I could feel the cool pressure of the table on my back. His hands were on my lower back, slipped underneath my shirt slightly so that he was touching my bare skin, and his lips were still on my own...and then I was pushed off him and left looking up at him in surprise.
Sirius was running his hands through his hair and pacing the length of the classroom.
I didn’t know what to say, feeling stupid and the rawness of the rejection, so I pulled my arms around me and tried to look as pathetic as I could in the hope that I could invoke some sympathy in him.
He turned to look at me and sighed, his teeth gritted. “Don’t use me Mary,” he said, his voice cracking painfully as he spoke.
“I didn’t -” I began defensively.
“If I asked you out, what would you say?” he snapped.
No. My lips wouldn’t form the word as I looked down at the table. Sirius gave me a look to say that he knew exactly what my silence meant.
“I’m not going to,” he added. “Just don’t use me,” he said in his most dangerous and low voice.
“I -”
“I don’t know what’s wrong, and you can tell me if you want, but don’t use me. I hate it,” he said, and for a moment I thought he was going to start crying, but he didn’t go quite that far. Still, he looked more emotional than I’d ever seen him, and I felt horrible. I had used him and he knew this fact just as well as I did.
“You’ve been used before?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“You thought you were the only one?” he asked, the anger still evident in his eyes. He looked at me intensely – questioning me as to whether I was going talk to him or not. The intensity of his gaze made me drop my head downwards, in shame and guilt. I couldn’t do it.
The door shut behind him with a thud, as he left me with even more on my mind than I’d had before.
***************
I felt shaky on my feet as I walked from the room in the opposite direction to the Gryffindor Common room. I didn’t want to see Sirius right now because I felt stupid, embarrassed, guilty and kind of pissed at the same time, and I really didn’t want to see that hurt look in his eyes again this evening. Instead I was wandering around the corridor, my brain flooding with Becky, Johnny, Daniel, Dad, Sirius...
I blinked twice, trying to block all these things from my brain, but finding that I couldn’t do it and instead just resigned myself to thinking. Nate would still be at the hospital, seeing if he could do any magic when no one was looking, to see if he could help in any way.
Dad would be at home now. She had been moved off intensive care while I was there, which meant the visiting hours had shrunk to three hours a day. Johnny would be in his room doing his homework, hopefully holding himself together enough. Karen would be sat at her office, looking down at her pregnant stomach and hoping that her child won’t ever be as screwed up...
I stopped as I turned a corner, and shielded my eyes. A couple were snogging against the wall to my left and I didn’t really want to invade on their private business, but I didn’t manage to look away before I realised that one of the two was Marlene McKinnon. I paused, wanting to warn her that anyone could see them there, and if she didn’t want everyone to know about her and Regulus she should probably pick less obvious places, but not really knowing how I should go about interrupting them...
Then I realised the other person definitely wasn’t Regulus Black.
My gaze snapped back to them and I saw that it was one of the last people I would have expected to find there – Jason Boot. Her Ravenclaw Quidditch mate.
My lips formed an O of surprise as a rush of sympathy for Regulus Black coursed through me for the first time, and I realised just how little I knew about Marlene McKinnon.
The diary fell from my pocket, and I bent down quickly to pick it up, but the noise had been enough to attract the attention of the two off them.
“Fuck,” Marlene said, seeing me for the first time and pushing Jason Boot off her.
“Don’t mind me,” I said sarcastically, but my voice sounded unnatural and harsher than I’d intended. My head was spinning and I wasn’t sure what else I could do with this new found information.
“Jason – go. I need to talk to Mary,” Marlene said, her voice hurried with an edge of panic. I didn’t think I’d ever head her say so few words.
“No you bloody well don’t!” I scowled, and considered how I could get away from her as fast as possible. I didn’t need to talk to her right now. I couldn’t talk to her right now. There was no way I could have another confrontation this evening without my head exploding. She sent me an exasperated look before grabbing my arm and pulling me through a door into what seemed to be a broom closet.
She slammed the door behind us, which plunged us both into darkness, and cast a silencing charm around the room before trying to explain.
“It’s not what it looks like,” Marlene said, shaking her head.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did he lose his tongue and ask for your assistance in retrieving it?”
“No!” she snapped in return.
“Did you accidently fall onto his lips?” I spat angrily.
“You don’t understand!”
“Yes I do. I understand that you’re a stupid cheater who -”
“For once in your life, shut the hell up!” Marlene exclaimed, and I backed away from her, narrowly avoiding a broom.
“You can talk.”
“I could if you just shut up and listen to me,” she said, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation. “You don’t know what its like for me – don’t talk! – Because you don’t! You don’t know the half of it! He’s a death eater!” she exclaimed, in a hushed whisper. “He’s a murderer. He kills people like me – how do you think I’m supposed to deal with that? If anyone finds out, I’m dead. That’s it! Goner!”
“So you solve that by cheating on him?” I commented scathingly.
“NO!” she said, shaking her head. “The others were asking questions about why I haven’t dated anyone in years.”
“Does Regulus know about this?”
“No.” She shook her head. “He wouldn’t like it.”
“Shocker.”
“Mary! I have no choice! The others were talking and-”
“You should have ignored them! Told them you were in love with someone unattainable. Anything! Whatever!”
“This was the easiest way!”
“No it wasn’t. How can the easiest way be CHEATING on your boyfriend?”
“You don’t understand! There is so much about me that you can only begin to imagine!” she said, and I realised that I’d done something I never thought I’d manage to do – I was under Marlene McKinnon’s skin.
“Like what? Your brother’s dying? So what!?” I exclaimed angrily. “They’ll probably have the cure by then anyway! Your Dad died? Big deal -!”
“No wonder you’re not in Ravenclaw!” Marlene hissed.
“And what’s that’s supposed to mean? That I’m thick?” I asked, feeling angrier with every second. It was easier to feel the anger than any of the other emotions that were almost exploding from my chest. So I’d somehow gripped onto it as my defence mechanism, and it stopped me from shaking with grief or guilt.
“It means that you don’t put things together! It means that you don’t remember things and take them in – not really. If your friends were in Ravenclaw, every single one of them would know that you’re dying. But they don’t put things together and match things up, you don’t either,” she said, shaking her head. “Your mind just doesn’t work right.”
“Gee thanks,” I retorted angrily, my eyes slowly adjusting in the dark so that I could see the expression on her face.
“Why don’t you let me go through this slowly? Hmm?” she asked patronisingly, before continuing immediately. “So I assume you have bothered to find out the basics of the condition which is killing you?” she said, her voice cutting into me. “Well, you may recall the fact that the reason your brother doesn’t have Ephaiyadaphia is because he has no magical ability and that the chances of not getting Ephaiyadaphia, if a parent has it are 5% - highly unlikely... Somewhere in that empty space in your head should be the knowledge that there are two confirmed cases, and two potential cases. Have you worked it out yet?”
“You’re a potential case?”
“Just about,” she sighed. “Some of my blood samples are coming up with very low levels of abnormalities.”
“You could help with the cure!” I exclaimed. “With new people to test on they could get it ready in time! You could save lives!”
“I could save your life,” she corrected. “The cure will be ready in time for Daniel, and you’re the only other person suffering from it.”
“There could be others,” I said, my voice becoming desperate. “And you could help!”
“Help with a cure that’s killed more people than have ever died because of the disease?”
“You’re not going to help?” I asked, finding myself utterly shocked by the concept that someone who could help, wouldn’t.
“I don’t want to help,” she said, her voice blunt and emotionless. “I want to know when I’m going to die like you do, without all this uncertainty and guesswork. I don’t want to waste my life by helping some research lab, which will probably kill me and will only save two people’s lives anyway? What’s the bloody point?”
“You have to!”
“Why? In an attempt to save your life, even though it might kill both of us? Talk about selfish?” she said, pushing the door open. “Of course that’s just a classic Mary McDonald! Why am I even bothering to explain it to you? I don’t even like you! I think you’re a selfish, attention seeking, unobservant, self-absorbed cow, and you annoy the hell of me!” she said, slamming the door shut after herself, leaving me alone in the broom cupboard with the darkness.
I pushed the door open, feeling angrier and full of so much grief that I was shaking again. The candle light in the corridor hurt my eyes painfully, and I scrunched my eyes up, and began to run.
***************
“McDonald,” a voice snapped, and my body jerked around automatically. I wanted to carry on running, to get away from all of this, just not to be anywhere near this damn place. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to crawl under my covers and just be allowed to just stop thinking. I didn’t want to talk to whoever it was that had called out my name...
Snape. I definitely, definitely didn’t want to talk to Snape.
“What?” I cried out, my voice sounding hysterical and slightly mad. “What do you want?!?” my voice flew out, shaking and wilder due to the pure inner turmoil I was feeling.
“I know,” Severus Snape said, walking towards me with a pained smile on his face. Like he was doing something he had to do, without really liking it.
“What the fuck are you on about!?!?” I screeched into the silence of the corridor. It cut through the air like a knife, and the pained expression disappeared from his face and he merely looked angry.
“Four months,” Snape said, his voice scratching deep within my skull as I realised of the enormity of the implication of those words.
My voice cut out then and there as the brutality of my situation hit me with enough force to wind me completely. Snape looked taken aback by my freezing.
“I could tell them. Watch your step,” was all he said, before whipping around and billowing off down the corridor. I watched his retreating back, almost in a trance, before finding myself glaring at the wall angrily.
He couldn’t know. He couldn’t tell them. They couldn’t find out that way.
It wasn’t possible.
The last few threads keeping me from falling apart snapped.
“No,” I whispered, my eyes focusing and blurring again on the brickwork of the castle that I’d been living in for the past six years.
“NO!” I screamed, running my fingers through my hands desperately. “NO! No! No.” I yelled, banging my fists on the wall in desperation, before sliding down the wall and feeling the floor come up to meet me. The floor was hard and cold. I ran my fingers through my hair, and dug my fingernails into my scalp. I felt the stab of pain as a nail broke past a layer of skin, and let all the emotions catch up with me, from the barriers I’d placed them behind.
A tear was falling down my face before I even realised it was there. Then there were more tears falling down my face. I was crying out everything that had happened, and everything that might happen, and everything that was definitely going to happen.
My hands dropped to my sides and I wept.
A/N - You all still here after all that? What you expected? Not so much? Predictions? :) Please review, it really inspires me :D
A/N - Guys I am SOOOO sorry about this update, it's been like a month and I'm so sorry! I hope it will never happen again and you don't all hate me. Work, depression, friend-issues, school, parties, revision, exams, families visiting, illness, bad reaction to injections, christmas (I know it's ages away but I'm pretty involved in several churches and they aall want me to do something :O) coursework and finally a play I'm in. Hopefully you can relate to at least one of the above and forgive me? I've started the next chapter, but I've scrapped it, this chapter is quite exciting so hopefully you'll forgive me?
On another note, this is the first time of the history of the story that both me and Mary are in the same month - November. I'm hoping to write christmas at christmas when my exams are out the way so updates might be a bit better? Also please check out my meet the author page and ask me lots of questions as it makes me happy and please review! I know I've taken ages in responding to them all (again for the above reasons) by they really help me to write, and feel good enough about myself to write (which has been a problem recently) and I will always respond to them now.
Okay, I'm done rambling, but honestly I'm so thankful for every single person who takes time to read this and review and favouritises it. Also, I can't remember the exact person, but someone who's username begins with Y - thank you! I now have someone favourtising for every letter of the alphabet. That's how cool I am. ;)
In these days of cool reflection
You come to me and everything seems alright
In these days of cold affections
You sit by me - and everything’s fine
-Heaven for Everyone - Queen
A body slammed down on the end of my bed, and I felt my body being jerked upwards due to the springiness of the mattress. The mattress hit me painfully as it bounced back up, and I found that my whole body ached painfully. I pulled myself into a tight ball and buried my face into my pillow. There was no chance that I was getting up any time soon.
“Morning,” Lily’s voice said cheerfully, grating on my ears, and I inwardly cursed her for being such a morning person and not having picked up the negative vibes that I was sending out with my mind (very violently I might add). I pulled the warmth of my duvet tighter around me and mumbled something that even I didn’t understand, attempting to swat Lily away with my left hand.
“Oh leave her alone,” Alice’s voice said.
“Yeah Lily. Piss the hell off,” I mumbled, burying my face deeper into my pillow and feeling absolutely bloody awful. I imagined this feeling was similar to a tequila-induced hangover, or being run over by a bulldozer: I’d never felt so exhausted and I knew that I’d probably never looked so hideous in the last sixteen years, thus I was in no rush to get up. I pulled my duvet around me more and squeezed my eyes shut tight.
“Be nice Mary,” Alice said, and I inwardly cursed her too for being so bladdy lovely.
“You can get stuffed too,” I muttered darkly, and ran my fingers down the edge of the bed, glaring at the inside of my eyelids.
I groaned, sat up, and glared at them instead. “You going to tell me why the hell you’ve woke me up at the crack of freaking dawn...?” I complained, my voice croaky and far too deep.
“Mary, class starts in twenty minutes,” Alice said, rolling her eyes. “We thought we’d be kind and wake you up.”
“You’ve never bothered previously,” I scowled, glaring at the clock and wishing death on the whole world.
“Well this time we thought you might have had a reason to sleep in, given that you went all hysterical and weird on Sirius yesterday and let him carry you into a deserted classroom – which we want details about by the way – and then Frank carried you into the common room saying he’d found you crying in the corridor. Then when Sirius tried to talk to you, you passed out, and then we carried you up the stairs and dumped you on your bed. So we figured something might be up?” Lily suggested, her eyes wide and annoyingly questioning.
“Ok, A) why didn’t you freaking levitate me? And B) your powers of deduction never cease to amaze me,” I said, pulling myself from my covers to find myself fully dressed. “Your skills at lying, however, do not. What’s this crap about me passing out?” I said, feeling a little like the day had started backwards – waking up fully dressed and feeing awful, despite the lack of dream, and having Alice and Lily fully dressed and waiting for me.
“You don’t remember?”
“It’s hard to remember something that didn’t happen,” I snapped, frustrated, pulling a fresh uniform from my suitcase. “Why would I pass out? There wasn’t even anything wrong! Just the wrong time of the month!” I exclaimed, deciding that I’d keep all of yesterday quiet for the time being, and lying through my teeth. I was going to tell them, it would most probably be hard to keep it a secret for too long (although if what Marlene had said was true, they might not have picked up on a thing. Although the thought that they could be so oblivious did piss me off slightly). I’d tell them, in my own time, just like I was going to tell them that I was dying in my own good time.
My stomach sank and I felt nauseous at the thought. How would they react?
I’ve never even considered the prospects of how they’d react. Lily would probably over-react. Alice would go quiet, maybe... I didn’t know! I couldn’t even begin to consider how the Marauders would react... James? Remus? Peter?
Oh god. Sirius.
What the bloody hell would Sirius say?!?!?
“Really?” Alice questioned disbelievingly, and I blinked myself back to reality trying not to let the others know that I was hyperventilating internally. “You’re telling us that Nate dragged you out of class for no reason?” Alice asked, and I tried to keep my face under a level of control that said I-woke-up-in-a-bad-mood, not my-sister-tried-to-kill-herself-Sirius-is-pissed-at-me-Marlene-is cheating-on-her-secret-boyfriend-that-only-three-people-know-about-and-snape-know’s-my-deepest-darkest-secret-and-is-threatening-me.
Well crap.
“Oh that,” I said casually. “Karen was having a scan, and she wanted me to be there for some unknown reason – goodness know why she thought I’d ever want to see that thing growing inside her,” I said, hopefully with enough bitter annoyance in my tone that they’d believe me and think nothing was amiss. “So Nate dragged me out to go see this pathetic scan – you can’t see the thing anyway – and then I had an argument with Dad about the stupid baby and then I just lost it somewhat,” I said, shaking my head. “It was all Karen’s fault!” I exclaimed, then cursed her loudly for effect.
“Nate seemed really worried.”
I laughed humourlessly, and found the lies spewing from my mouth far too easily – should I be concerned that it was this easy? Most probably. “Well, Nate’s big on the whole family thing, and he knew I’d refuse to go, so he tricked me into thinking there’d been something wrong with the pregnancy to make me go – dick head. Now if you’re finished with these daft questions, I’m going to get ready,” I said, adding in a glare.
“Oh okay,” Alice said, nodding. “That makes sense.”
“We should have just woken you up. Bloody hell, you had us worried,” Lily said, shaking her head in annoyance. I noted that she had more make-up on than usual and looked very pretty.
I sighed disbelievingly and considered how tragic it was that they believe I would get so worked up about something so trivial. The most tragic thing – I probably would have got worked up enough to pass out at something like that. I groaned as I shut the bathroom door behind me and ran my hands through my hair.
I had probably passed out due to overexertion, and who can blame me, which probably meant that I was meant to be unconscious for a few days more, but Lily had still managed to wake me up.
You’ve got to admit that she has serious talent.
I pulled my dead (well, nearly) body over to the mirror and looked at my reflection in surprise. I really did look bloody awful: my skin appeared to have gone an interesting shade of yellow, highlighting the few spots that I had (my skin was generally pretty good) and showing off my paleness magnificently. The bright red hair really wasn’t doing me any favours today; my side fringe was sticking out at odd angles, my hair had gained an extreme amount of volume that could have been attractive on any other day, and the colour was clashing with general redness of my eyes. Then, to round it all off beautifully, my lips seemed to be a strange shade of blue.
Perfect.
I had two choices, I decided, looking at the mirror disdainfully. I could have a really quick shower and make myself feel better, or I could spend the time applying make up to make myself look better.
I dragged myself over to the shower and turned it on.
**************
“She said she just had an argument with Karen,” Lily was explaining to someone as I came down stairs. “She’s fine. She was back to her normal, moody self this morning – there’s no need to worry.”
Charming.
“You didn’t see her!” Sirius protested, revealing the person she was explaining it to. “There was definitely something up.”
I found myself being oddly pleased that he cared enough to send the others to check on me and report back (and a little pissed that my supposed friends weren’t doing it off their own back).
“You’ve heard what her family are like when arguing – can you blame her for being a little, you know.”
“Of course I wouldn’t,” Sirius scoffed. “I know what it’s like to have a rotten family, but she was absolutely lost, and... desperate,” he said, and I winced at his words – did he honestly think I was that pathetic? Or did he think that I wouldn’t have kissed him if I hadn’t been so desperate?
I wouldn’t have.
That’s not the point.
The point is, I would have still wanted to. I think.
Well, no. The truth of the matter is I know I would have most probably wanted to kiss him, but I wouldn’t have let him know that, and I wouldn’t have given in to that temptation, because then I would have nothing to hide behind.
“I’m telling you she’s fine,” Lily said defiantly. “It’s just the wrong time of the month!”
“The shower’s stopped running; you should go, but thanks,” Sirius said, the annoyance obvious in his voice. I heard them go out and went down the remaining steps and into view. Seeing Sirius there caught me off guard for a second. I think I’d pretty much forgotten how good he looked, and seeing him made me feel a little bit happier and more in control than I had – even if he was pissed at me.
“You look like shit,” Sirius said, looking me up and down. Nice to know he was always truthful at least. One up on me.
“Because that’s a chat up line and a half,” I said, my voice coming out a little more bitter and hurt than I’d intended it to. “Make sure I don’t look in a mirror till my hairs dry,” I requested, knowing that with my red hair hanging in wet strands around my face, it was hardly going to improve my appearance. Sirius pulled his wand from his pocket and muttered some charm I’d never bothered to learn so that my hair was