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Voldemort on Broadway by Cassius Alcinder
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Voldemort pounded his fist on the table in frustration as he read the latest edition of The Quibbler. He had been through a lot since his defeat by Harry Potter. After enduring a very strange succession of temporary flat mates and part time jobs in his attempt to become a semi-respectable member of society, he finally stumbled on success when, at the urging of his publicist Rita Skeeter, he formed a musical collaboration with young Wizarding pop star and heartthrob Justinian Beaverton.
But now, it appeared that this may be falling apart. As depicted in the exclusive front page article in The Quibbler, Justinian had been kicked out of a Hogsmeade night club for inappropriate dancing. He then proceeded to hex several security guards and cause several thousand galleons of damage before finally being arrested by Aurors for flying a stolen hippogriff while intoxicated. His budding musical career was now ground to a screeching halt as he faces a two to six year sentence in Azkaban.
“So what do I do now?” Voldemort asked Rita, who he had called in for an emergency meeting.
“Well I don’t think you can really continue this whole music career without Justinian, and frankly, your image in this country just isn’t very good. But there may be a good option that you haven’t tried yet,” she responded.
Voldemort became apprehensive, “And what would that be?”
Rita slid an advertisement over to his side of the table, “Harry Potter the Musical is coming to the stage in New York. Harry himself is producing and directing it. They’re having an open call for casting, and I can’t think of anybody better to play Voldemort than the man himself.”
Voldemort sighed resignedly. He could not think of anything more humiliating than that, but he didn’t have too many options at this point. It was time to take a trip to the Big Apple. He hoped his trip to America would end better than Severus Snape’s, who had turned to a life of crime, but was foiled by an off duty police officer when he tried to rob the Nakatomi Towers in Los Angeles.
Voldemort took in the view as the port key landed him in the middle of Central Park. As his knowledge of American culture came mostly from 1980’s gangster movies, he wore a bright yellow suit with an open dress shirt and a large gold chain around his neck, hoping to blend in. Being in New York, he also took the added detail of wearing a Yankees hat.
Despite his attempts to conceal himself, Voldemort was soon besieged by spectators who recognized him. Taking his cues from the various street performers throughout the park, Voldemort put his hat on the ground at his feet and began to perform spells with his wand. When he gave one poor unsuspecting man in the audience a rather viscous bat bogey hex, the crowd erupted in applause and tossed dollars and change into his hat. Voldemort noted to himself that if he didn’t get the part in the musical, this wouldn’t be a bad option to fall back on. Once before he had briefly turned to performing magic shows at Muggle children’s birthday parties to support himself, but the rabbits he had to conjure for his tricks didn’t have a very good survival rate. Old habits died hard.
He proceeded to walk to a subway station, and thankfully, there were enough unique characters on the train that he drew no further attention to himself. Much to his disgust, the subway was littered with poster advertising whatever awful vampire film Cedric Diggory was starring in this year. When he finally arrived at the theater, he found himself at the end of a very long line of those waiting for auditions. He recognized a few familiar faces in the line, noting that he had always wondered what the likes of Lavender Brown and Padma Patil ended up doing after the war.
After what felt like several days later, it was Voldemort’s turn. He nervously walked out onto the stage, and saw who was facing him seated in the front row doing evaluations; the Golden Trio of Ron Weasley, Hemrione Granger, and Harry Potter himself. Hermione looked studious as ever, looking over the copious noted she had taken on every performer. Ron had the look of deathly boredom usually reserved for Professor Binns’ lectures, and Harry leaned back in his chair with his feet on the table, brooding in his artistic angst while he wore sunglasses indoors. All three tried to contain their amusement as Voldemort confidently belted out the latest teen anthem from Justinian Beaverton.
“Hermione first,” Harry noted when Voldemort finished.
Hermione proceeded to give an in-depth critique and analysis of Voldemort’s performance, most of which sailed right over his head.
Next it was Ron’s turn, “Well it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t really good either, I mean it just kind of was…bloody hell Harry how many more do we have? I need a sandwich.”
Finally, Harry took a deep breath and began his critique, “That was quite possibly the absolute worst performance in the history of the universe. Slytherin House should receive a permanent disqualification from the House Cup just on principal. It was so bad that Nicholas Flamel stopped using the philosopher’s stone because he realized he could no longer live on the same planet as that performance. “
In desperation, Voldemort kneeled in front of the table and began to beg, “Please Harry, I’m going broke, I need the work, I’ll do anything!”
“This is rather amusing,” Harry remarked.
“Oh come on Harry, what did I ever do to you?” Voldemort pleaded.
Harry lowered his glasses and gave a piercing stare.
“Oh right…yeah…my bad.”
Finally, Harry relented, “Alright, you got the part.”
Voldemort leaped up in jubilation, “Yes! You and me dueling on stage, it’s going to be just like old times!”
Harry laughed dismissively, “You didn’t honestly think you were trying out to play Voldemort, did you? You have been awarded the part of Zacharias Smith.”
“Really? That little punk? Well who’s playing me then?”
Harry motioned towards the door as a man with perfectly coifed hair and impeccable diction walked inside.
“Gilderoy Lockhart?!?! That fraud?!?”
“Gilderoy Lockhart is the greatest Shakespearean actor of our generation,” Harry said defensively, “and the show will go on.”
The sold-out opening night crowd was on the edge of their seats the whole night, and they were ready to cheer as the play reached its finale. The set magically reconstructed the scene of the Battle of Hogwarts, and Harry ran onto the stage, re-enacting his triumphant return.
“We must defend our school, who’s with me?” he called out.
“Not me, I am a cowardly Hufflepuff!” called out Voldemort in his blonde wig, earning boos and jeers from the crowd.
The up and coming actor portraying Neville Longbottom then bounded onto the stage carrying a sword. “Well we Gryffindors know our place!”
“Yes we do!” Harry responded, as they launched into the chorus of one of their musical numbers.
“Gryffindors in red and gold
Gryffindors the brave and bold
The other houses should just give up
For Gryffindor shall win the cup!”
The crowd gave a standing ovation, hoping the song’s prediction was correct.