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Victoire Weasley's Cooking Capers by randomwriter
Chapter 1: Victoire Weasley's Cooking Capers
Hi everyone! :) This is my first shot at writing a parody, so please do give it a read and tell me how I did!
I own nothing but this plot.
Read on! :)
Edit (May/15): This was one of my first stories. I know that my writing style has changed since. This will soon undergo edits because I believe I can do much better. I would prefer it if you chose to read one of my newer, more recent stories. But if you want to go ahead and take a chance at this one, remember you have been warned :p
Victoire Weasley was a beautiful young woman. She had a smile that would easily land her a role in a campaign for oral hygiene and her hair was so silky that she could do television advertisements for shampoo brands. There are rumours that her voice could inspire birds to sing along with her, that is if only she could sing. She was French enough to drink wine with deep fried food and English enough to eat deep fried food with wine. She was French enough to be incredibly delicate... almost all the time, and English enough to guzzle down a pint of beer at a sports pub and shout profanities at random people because she was drunk, not because her favourite football team was losing. That's only because she is French, and she doesn't love football like the Englishmen do. But of course, she is English, so she watched it nevertheless. Basically, she was half French and half English.
A total of 564687768567 males and 3 females had asked her out in her life, but she had only ever had one boyfriend- Teddy Lupin.
Teddy Lupin, much like Victoire Weasley, was a magical being.
Yes, she was a witch and he, a wizard.
Teddy Lupin is a hot, sexy beast. A raging pool of smoldering, heart-melting handsome-ness. And together the two of them were destined to make pretty babies.
Speaking of destiny, something had changed between them. Victoire and her almost live-in boyfriend were now engaged. He had asked her a couple of days ago. He had cooked dinner that night. Not that there was anything new there, because Teddy always cooked. He was a natural. After the orgasmic desert, he went down on one knee and his well rehearsed proposal flew out of his mouth. She accepted after forty-two minutes of high-pitched squealing and now they were engaged and had to tell everyone. They also had to flaunt the giant engagement ring, just to prove how rich they were,
They had decided to re-do the proposal in front of their family that afternoon at lunch. They'd invited the Delacours, Molly, Arthur and Andromeda, along with Bill and Fleur of course.
"TEDDY! YOU BASTARD!" Screamed Victoire at the top of her voice. "You don't have to sleep till noon every Sunday."
"'Sup? Teddy walked in, thoroughly oblivious to the state Victoire was in. He poured himself a steaming hot cup of coffee and flopped down on to a chair.
"'Sup!?' Really, Lupin?" She raged on. They'll be here in an hour and you still haven't told me how to make your heavenly Sunday roast! What on Earth am I going to do?"
"Relax. It's like reeaally easy." He yawned, ignoring her panic filled expressions. He opened the paper and glanced at the headlines and then started flipping pages casually . "Oh, A new outlet of Pete's has opened right down the road. Would you look at that!"
By this point Victoire was fuming. It was already noon. They would arrive at one.
Time for a change in strategy.
She kneeled down on the floor, by his chair. And ran her finger down her cleavage, her finger lingering, pulling down her white V-neck shirt, just a little. She could see his eyes roaming. Satisfied, she said in a voice filled with mock apprehension," Oh. If this doesn't go well, you know, I might not be happy for days. Nothing, not even sex can cheer me up."
Teddy was a smart man. He knew how to take the hint. Smirking, he decided to show her just how well her blackmail had worked.
He would have his cake and eat it too.
"Okay, babe. How about this? We'll make a new roast. Something they've never tasted before. I'll tell you what to do and you follow my instructions, just as I tell you. Cook this well and impress everyone, then impress me again in bed tonight." He responded, suggestively.
She sprung up and took out the large oven dish that Teddy usually used for his famous roasts.
"What do I do next?"
"Hmm, coat the pan in vinegar." Teddy replied, and he watched as Victoire reached out for the mild fruity vinegar and practically sloshed it into the pan.
"Now take out the tobasco sauce and add that to the dish as well."
"Isn't this really spicy?" She asked, eyeing the tiny bottle.
"Not at all, love. Just pour some in." He replied warmly.
He watched as Victoire followed his instructions word by word.
"Now rub salt all over the chicken. Remember, you must use a whole packet, okay?"
Victoire was a fashion designer. She had never had any use for her own kitchen. It was all Teddy's. She didn't question him. He liked to cook anyway. Her delicate hands set to work, rubbing salt into all the folds of the rather big chicken. Or at least, she thought it was a chicken. It was actually a turkey.
Teddy watched and smiled to himself. "I'm so proud of you, babe." He added, encouragingly. She flashed him a gorgeous smile, and continued the salt-rubbing.
"Am I doing it right?" She asked like a proud kid.
"Perfect." He told her. "Now, stop that and stuff the chicken with chocolate, pineapple and lady's fingers."
She didn't think to question him. He was the chef in the room, as far as she was concerned. She didn't even sop to think.
She took several pieces of pineapple and chocolate and stuffed it in. She followed on by stuffing in the lady's fingers, without even chopping off the ends.
"What next?" She asked, excited.
He smiled at her child like sense of achievement.
"Pour half a liter of oil over the whole thing and bung it in the oven, at the highest temperature." He instructed.
He watched her patiently.
"We can serve it with peanut butter, instead of gravy." He finished, creeping up behind her, just as she put the dish in the oven.
"Now," he smiled into her hair, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I reckon we have a bit of free time on our hands."
He would have his cake, and eat it too.
Half an hour later, they both lay on her giant bed, breathing in deeply, panting.
"That was AMAZING." Teddy exclaimed.
"Okay. I think we should get things ready now."
"Yes. Teddy, please put on your clothes and lay the table for me."
He nodded and put on his clothes. After a couple of minutes in the bathroom, he was completely fixed up, and looking fresh. One of the biggest advantages of being a metamorphmagus was that he could always manage to look good.
Victoire too didn't need much time either. She put on a touch of make-up and a fine set of clothes that she had bought for the occasion and rushed down. She was one-eighth Veela, so she too always looked good. Good enough to be mistaken for a complete Veela.
"Go check on the Chicken, I'll clean up." Teddy called out hurriedly.
They finished getting everything ready just in time.
There was only one thing left to do.
Since he was planning to do the proposal, he was going to put the ring on her finger again. So, he needed her to return it.
"Honey, give me back the ring. And fast."
Victoire looked puzzled. "You know what? I must have kept it in the box."
He went to the table and pocketed the box. It felt heavy. The ring was definitely in there.
Now he was ready. And relieved. But also nervous. He was finally going to be part of his family.
"Vic. This is it." He put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder gently as the door bell rang.
All seven of their guests trooped in when Teddy opened the door, taking him by surprise. They all deposited their cots on his out stretched arms, like he was some sort of coat hanger. Then they seated themselves around the table.
Pleasantries were exchanged, before getting into serious discussions with someone or the other. Victoire poured out the store bought sangria. And the conversation flowed. The ladies discussed Celestina Warbeck.
The men discussed airplanes, however it wasn't much of a discussion because Arthur Weasley was the only one talking.
"Why are we so far behind the Muggles? We still use brooms, for Merlin's sake!!" He screamed, like a hyper-active boy.
Teddy and Victoire watched, smiling. The others didn't have a clue about what they were about to hear.
The timer on the oven went off loudly, silencing the entire group.
Victoire rushed over to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she brought out the chicken... Erm, turkey, beaming with pride.
"That smells... interesting." Remarked Bill, eyeing the weird looking bird cautiously.
"What eez eet, darling?" Fleur too looked suspicious.
"Roast chicken, of course!"
Teddy managed to suppress his urges to burst out laughing. He knew that once he started, he wouldn't be able to stop. But, along with that, he also felt a tinge ofnervousness. Victoire had said yes, but what if something went amiss?
Just then Victoire set down a gravy boat filled with peanut butter.
"Did you say Roast Chicken?" Andromeda asked her slowly.
"Yes, I think it will be the most delicious chicken you have ever had. It could even be better than Teddy's." Victoire said in a joking voice.
"Chicken?" Mrs. Weasley cut in Kindly, "you mean Turkey, dear."
Victoire face held a confused expression. "Do you want turkey instead?" She asked her grandmother.
Mrs. Weasley shook her head an replied that it was nothing. And with that as her cue, Victoire served everyone a giant portion of her special dish.
"Um. Before you all start..." Teddy murmured nervously. The gathering, which had begun discussing the dish in varied tones of disgust, shock, wonder and more disgust, stopped talking at once and turned their attention to Teddy Lupin.
Teddy ruffled his hair, which had turned light purple, like it usually did when he was nervous.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had done this before. He had a well-rehearsed speech.
"It's no big deal." He told himself and thought of his speech again, and like earlier, it simply flew out of his mouth.
"Vic, I've known you since you were in diapers. And without. This means that I got to see you naked even before puberty made me want to. I grew up with you, learnt to play with, laugh and talk with you. Went to school with you. By the way, you know now, that it wasn't any sort of brotherly instinct that made me punch all those guys, and a couple of girls. Anyway, you've been there through every important phase in my life, and it's only fair that this should carry on. It just feels right. You are the most beautiful woman I know. And I know that guys don't come sexier that me-" at this point, he ran a hand through his hair and lifted his T-shirt to reveal his fabulous six pack-"so, it's time we put a ring on this and have some sexy babies."
The women in the room had tears flooding down their cheeks.
"That. Waz. Beyutiful." Cried Fleur, hugging her mother, who was sobbing into Mrs. Weasley's shoulder.
Victoire held her hand out, expectantly. Teddy opened the velvet box, only to find three nipple rings in there. He had forgotten that he had lent the box to Olivier, his friend who worked as a bouncer in the evenings. He never understood why he had a third ring, and he wasn't entirely sure that he wanted to know.
He shut the box and shook his head.
"Where's the ring?" He asked.
"How should I know?" Victoire replied, in a worried voice.
"I'm hungry." Whinged Arthur, who was tired of waiting because of a proposal that he had been predicting for years.
"Okay." Victoire said shakily," Let's eat and then look for the ring. It's beautiful, by the way. Huge diamond and all."
"Then we must find it. Now." Said Madame Delacour.
But the group had shifted its focus on the food. Slowly, everyone took a small bite. Victoire asked them how it was, just as Teddy burst into a raucous fit of laughter.
"This, um, chicken...interesting," remarked Mrs. Weasley.
"Darling... Hmm... Give me the recipe?" Asked Andromeda, striving to be the nice and kind woman that she always was. Criticism did not go well with her.
Madame Delacour was admonishing Fleur for not having raised Victoire well.
Bill was eating it, maybe to please his daughter, or maybe because his eating habits had been drastically affected ever since Greyback had bitten him.
Arthur Weasley too was eating the food. This was clearly because, like Ron, he would eat anything. Absolutely anything.
Monsieur Delacour's took one bite. His spoon and fork clanked onto the table noisily, as he dropped them, threw his head back and coughed. He did not stop coughing and after many minutes, someone from this rather bright group of people, took notice of this, and turned their attention away from the food. Mrs. Weasley realized that he was choking.
"Someone save him!" She cried dramatically. Arthur Weasley, who was seated next to him, continued stuffing food into his face.
Victoire rushed over to her grandfather, who weighed over 200 pounds and successfully performed a Heimlich, on the choking man, with skill that she herself was not aware of. A ring flew out of his mouth and onto Teddy's lap. It was covered in chocolate and Lady's fingers' seeds. Teddy walked over to Victoire and said, "Please accept this ring, as a symbol of our soon-to-occur marriage," in a smooth voice, with so much confidence that all the ladies were once again swooning. He then proceeded to put the ring in his mouth and French kissed her. After several minutes, she pulled away and removed the now clean ring and put it on her finger, beaming at everyone. Everyone beamed back.
"This afternoon went well," she declared, sighing happily.
Victoire and Teddy went on to get married in grand style. They appeared on several magazines for being the sexiest couple alive. People even called them 'Viddy', perhaps they should have been called 'Tectoire' instead.Teddy became Minister for Magic, because he was so handsome and Victoire took up a part-time job in Saint Mungo's saving everyone who came in because of choking. The family continued to meet for lunch on Sundays, and they always had an enjoyable time. The only difference being that Victoire Weasley never stepped into the kitchen again.
Oh, and they did have very very veeerryyy sexy babies.
Hey guys! I hope you had a good laugh. I had a lot of fun writing this :) It's for a challenge. In fact, this is my second challenge, and I would love to know if you liked it!
Also, I don't think that anybody in this story is stupid or anything, if the story came off like that, to you. It's just that this was meant to be a parody! I hope y'all found it funny :P
Please do review. I would some feedback. Constructive Criticism would be appreciated, as would some compliments :)
A special thank you to patronus_charm is in order for this lovely challenge.
And thank you all for reading it :)