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Chapter 1: Cedric + Edward = Forever
I do not own Edward Cullen, who is the property of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. Nor do I own Cedric Diggory, who is the equally beautiful invention of JK Rowling.
Edward Cullen fell to his knees in the middle of the wood, tears of marble rolling down his well-carved cheekbones. “I art thou beith so lonely since I abandoned that blubbering mortal wench in ye olde Forks to let thee pursue a standard existence,” he declared somberly. “Woe.”
The trees shifted, greenish sunbeams pouring in. Edward lifted his agony-filled eyes to see a silhouette flooded with light, hands stretched out on either side to part foliage like the Red Sea.
“I heard sobs,” the other person said, stepping forward. His features cleared in the dim vegetation, pallid skin absorbing the emeralds, limes, ivies, avocados, jades, and olives of the forest. His chiseled jaw was the precise shade of a vomit-flavored Every-Flavor Bean, his eyes like two twinkly baby grapes, his nose like a pear turned upside-down.
“Thou art the most divinely beautiful creature mine eyes hath ever beheld,” Edward whispered, rising to his feet.
The glorious stranger only stared curiously, holding a strange-looking twig that radiated sparks.
“That’s never happened before,” the stranger marveled, stowing the twig inside his pocket. “It must know that we are destined.” He was now so close that Edward could count every stitch of his black and yellow shirt. “My name is Cedric. Cedric Diggory.”
“Edward,” Edward intoned.
They gazed into each other’s eyes.
“Ye art hot,” Edward observed.
“You are also quite good-looking,” Cedric agreed. “You seem kind of familiar. Have we met before?”
Edward shook his head, mesmerized. “Methinks’t my brain, composed of memory foam, wouldst hath remembered such an exquisite face. Thy symmetry! Thine magnificently-crafted eyebrows, forehead, and clavicle! I twas correct to leave Bella forthwith and venture hitherto this vague location somewhere in The United Kingdom wouldst thou standeth whereupon.”
Cedric’s expression contorted in utter despair. “I can’t believe something so beautiful exists on Earth. How can this be possible? You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed. Which means I must be dreaming.” He sighed. “Sadness.”
“Aye,” Edward agreed. “Surely thy price of binary extraordinarily-dazzling physical surfaces facing each other dost be fraught with angst. Thine roguish fates shalt never permit us to beith together. Our combined splendor shalt create a paradox, I fear.”
“I have a confession to make, before our relationship gets any angstier,” Cedric warned him. “I’ve just returned from an event called The Triwizard Tournament, and an evil wizard murdered me.” He showed Edward a flip-book of his death that he’d drawn, of a cartoon boy running from a squat cartoon man holding something that looked like a very ugly baby. “The result is that I am now a zombie.” His perfect face fell into his perfect hands as he wept perfectly. “I know you could never care for an undead badger-lover.”
“Hark!” Edward exclaimed. “I art beith undead, as well! And I am quite partial to badgers. My enlarged mouth-daggers hast feasted upon a great many of them for sustenance.”
“You eat badgers?” Cedric repeated, brow furrowing. “Please tell me that isn’t true.”
“It is so. Thy orbs art filled with judgment,” Edward remarked. “Dost thou find my wayward diet loathsome?”
“I can’t overlook you eating my mascot!” Cedric turned sharply away from him, squeezing his eyes shut with desolation. “Conflict!” he cried. “It was inevitable, I suppose.”
“We art star-crossed,” Edward replied sagely. “Henceforward, I avow to spurn thy love, whence wither thither our romantic rapport shalt now be more dramatic!”
Cedric wept into his sleeve. Edward picked up a guitar hidden in a hollow log and proceeded to strum it.
“Musical talent?” Cedric marveled, perking up. “I had no idea you were so tortured and misunderstood.”
“Aye,” Edward sang miserably, quite literally plucking at Cedric’s exposed zombie heart strings. “Tis my preferred method of ensnaring the adoration of teenage strumpets. They hath low standards.”
“Let’s be together,” Cedric decided. “To hell with what everyone else says! To hell with their cookie-cutter opinions on true love! Acceptance from loved ones be damned!”
Edward abandoned his instrument at once. “Art thou positive? Wouldst thou seriously banish societal expectations into the fiery ether?”
“You. Me.” Cedric waggled his eyebrows, grinning crookedly. “Eternal exchange of smoldering gazes.”
“Your stunted sentence structure intrigues me,” Edward replied uncertainly. “But how am I to be sure thou fancy is not fleeting? Thy heart needst maximum assurance before engaging in epic love/loathing warfare forsooth.”
“Who could possibly say no to that face?” Cedric answered, beaming. “Let’s be real; that’s a great face with some of the best cosmetic dentistry I’ve ever seen. Those incisors! Those irresistible golden eyes, that irresistible bronze hair! It’s like me, but colored by someone who likes shiny metallic hues. Like a raccoon.”
“Come hither, rest upon my bosom,” Edward demanded. “We shall sob together and admire one another’s symmetrical features in equal quantities. We shall grin winningly at each other with smiles like buttery croissants, and when the sun descends I shalt partake of thee for dinner.”
“What?” Cedric asked, frowning.
“Never thou mind!”