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A Brief Description on Life as a Ghoul by patronus_charm
Chapter 1: My Long Awaited Opportunity
You know us ghouls are often overlooked; those imbecilic humans always thinking we have inferior intelligence to them, always underestimating their reliance on us. I always assumed that the ever-growing Weasley family thought that of me too. Well, that was until they came up with this great proposition; and now I’ve been given my chance to shine, to become the actor I’ve always aspired to be.
I was always told I could go to RADA, that fancy muggle drama school in London. I declined my offer of course. I didn’t want to highlight the fact muggle acting talent is seriously inferior to my Oscar worthy skills. Then the Ghoul Task Force, which seeks to inhibit any fun we may wish to have, prevented me from attending. They said it would be a serious breach of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy if the existence of ghouls came to muggle knowledge.
They obviously didn’t want me to enlighten the muggles about the fact that, though they may think Leonardo DiCaprio is the best new actor around, his talents are seriously mediocre when compared to mine.
I guess I should explain about how my long awaited opportunity arose, as I'm sure you all want to know.
The Weasley family generally ignored me, failing to understand what my wailing and moaning meant. They seemed to think I carried a repugnant smell which had the inability to fade for several hours. Honestly, I was one of the cleaner ghouls! I at least attempted to bathe at least once a decade. That was more than I could say for my cousin Dorothy, who lacked the most basic hygiene knowledge. No wonder she was destined for a life of haunting Knockturn Alley.
It was only when that rather dim witted Ronald Weasley was locked in the attic by those twins for several hours that I had real company. I tried to engage him in conversation, but like I said, he was too dim witted to comprehend what I was saying.
So it was one delightful June evening when my dreams came true. I was happily enjoying my evening entertainment of rattling the pipes and trying to get them to harmonise, because when that happened it caused a rather wondrous sound. I had nearly managed to perform Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture, when I was rudely interrupted by four members of the ginger clan. It was their leader, Arthur, those twins and Ronald whom I mentioned before.
“Er, ghoul, can you understand what I'm saying?” Ronald asked with some trepidation. It was another example of his lack of intelligence, assuming I was too ignorant to understand a basic sentence. Honestly, I should be asking him that question.
“Ron, of course he can’t understand," interrupted one of the twins. "He's a ghoul for Merlin’s sake! I knew this was a stupid idea.”
“Actually, Ron may be right," piped a voice I had never heard before. "Ghouls have been proven to have much greater levels of intellect than previously thought. There was an article about in Curious Creatures.”
Who was this person who recognised my true talents? At last, a fan! I turned to see a bushy haired girl standing at the top of the stairs which led into my boudoir. A pile of books were firmly placed in her hands, an obvious sign of her intellect.
“See Fred! Just because I believed you when you said that if I didn’t kiss that gnome its ancestors would haunt me forever, doesn’t mean I’m dumb! I got Hermione to agree with me which must count for something?” Ronald replied, looking rather proud of himself for once. He certainly liked his ego, didn't he? Just because he got one thing right, didn't mean I would forgive him for his intelligence levels and don't even get me started on his looks when compared to my own.
“I’ll give you that one, but seriously the gnome thing. That was hilarious!” this Fred replied and started guffawing. How undignified.
“Now, now, boys, let’s not start arguing, we’ve got some serious business to attend to. Erm, ghoul, can you nod if you understand what I’m saying?” the leader asked me. A simple requirement, I thought, and promptly gave them a curt nod.
“Oh ok, then, you see Ron here has to go away for a while, and we need someone to pretend to be him while he was gone, as he’s technically supposed to be at school. That's another story we don’t need to get into,” the leader rambled away. He really needs to be more eloquent in his speech. I could even give him some lessons if he wanted. I did always and help the less able. “So we wondering whether you would be up for the job?”
That was when I knew I had finally achieved my lifelong goal to become an actor. Given how challenging this part would be, I mean, look at how superior to Ronald I was, I was on course to win Best Actor at the Academy Awards. I’d better start planning my victory speech at once.
I nodded my head eagerly; my opinion of this ginger clan had risen greatly.
“Well, that’s great! It’s just the thing is, you’re going to also have to pretend to have spattergroit. You know that disease with all the pustules,” the leader continued.
Any great actor has to make sacrifices in the looks department if they want to succeed I was once told, so I guess this would be my sacrifice. I nodded my head less eagerly this time. Still quite vigorously though, as I didn’t want to lose out on this part, after all.
“Well that was easier than I expected it to be. I was all prepared to force him into doing it,” said the other ginger twin, sounding rather dismayed at that fact. “Who’s going to do the spell then? Dibs it’s me.”
“Hey, why can’t I do it?” replied the one called Fred.
“Boys, none of you are doing it, I am, as I have the most experience at it,” said the leader. With a flourish of his wand, I felt hairs erupt all over my body and angry purple blisters appear all over me. I looked rather fetching actually, as I caught my reflection in a mirror; after all, I was once told purple suited me as it matched the colour of my eyes.
“You should probably put these on," Ronald mumbled, while handing me a pair of worn, blue pyjamas. "They used to be mine so it will be more convincing." Hmm, I guess I couldn’t disagree with the wardrobe, as the hair and makeup did a fantastic job. Again, it was just another sacrifice for the job.
I now looked the part, I just needed the stage and audience and then I was ready to play the role and lead my predestined life as an actor. So much for roaming a forgotten attic for eternity, Hollywood here I come.
Author Note: Ok this came to me in the middle of the night, so sorry if it’s really weird. I did always wonder how they got the ghoul to pretend to be Ron, so I hope you like what I came up with. Please review and let me know what you think, and whether you think he’ll ever get his long awaited Oscar ;D
P.S. Ron’s line in the summary comes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows page 85, UK edition and is credited to JK Rowling.