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Memoirs of a Nutter by loony_lovegood101
Chapter 2: Nutty Feastings
If you have not already noticed, the ground and I make great acquaintances. Over the years we’ve come to become brilliant buddies due to the frequent lapse of my ability to stay upright. I like to think I’m a firm believer in “If you can’t beat it, join it.”
‘It,’ being the ground.
“Hello there ground, how I have missed you,” I mumbled lovingly.
“Jess…why are you talking to the ground?” Conner questioned me.
I’m not entirely sure how to answer that question.
“LOOK, A FAIRY PONY!”
I’m da bomb at distracting people.
I think someone just walked over me.
REALLY PEOPLE. REALLY?
“I don’t see the fairy pony, Jess.”
I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM THAT INVISIBLE.
“Where is the fairy pony?”
JUST WALK ALL OVER ME WHY DONTCHA
“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FAIRY PONY?”
“Sorry, I thought I saw a fairy pony, it was just a crawling house elf with earmuffs. Big, white earmuffs. You know what? I want big white earmuffs. They just looked so fluffy, Conner. Like as fluffy as cotton candy. Just not as sticky. Bleurgh. Don’t you just hate it when your mouth is all sticky and then you wipe your mouth on your hand and your hand becomes all sticky, and then you wipe your hand on your shirt and your shirt becomes all sticky? It’s like the freaking circle of life.”
Right. It has just become very obvious that Conner has abandoned me. I really should have seen that one coming.
Urgh. I guess I’m just going to get myself off the ground.
Upper. Body. Strength. Needed.
Too. Much. Exertion.
Ahhh. That’s better.
I knew the feet were good for something.
I SHOULD NAME THEM!
Okay. The names Twinkle and Fairy are calling to me.
PRESENTING FEET TWINKLE AND FAIRY!
You know feet are actually really weird. I mean they are like things attached to the ends of your legs that have smaller things attached to the end of them that look like pieces of coral.
Or jellyfish when you wriggle them.
Suddenly my head snapped to attention.
WHAT IS THAT SWEET SMELL? THE VERY THING I LIVE FOR. IT CALLS TO ME.
TELL ME IT AIN’T SO.
HATH THE GREAT FEAST STARTED WITHOUT THY?
…pretend that makes sense.
Then, like the boss I am, I sniffed my way to the Great Hall (or the food). That’s right people. Sniffed.
And I know it’s pretty pathetic, after 5 years of coming to this (I have to say, gigantic) school, I still cannot find my way around.
But nevertheless I can always rely on my sense of smell.
And my beautiful face.
Okay. Just the smell then.
As I walked the corridors of Hogwarts with my head to the ground (still sniffing like a boss, mind you), I walked bang on into the wall next to the great hall.
“FUCK, MY HEAD, WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME SO?”
“Evening Miss Collins, how good of you to finally join us, any other pearls of wisdom you would like to bless us with?”
I raised my head to see Professor Mcgongall staring down at me with raised eyebrows, and the said population of Hogwarts staring at me with disbelieving eyes.
“BLAME IT ON THE GOVERNMENT.”
Fuck. My. Life.
“So you decided to sniff your way to the Great Hall?” Conner asked once I had taken my place at the Ravenclaw table.
I whipped my head away from him and pointedly stared at my food.
“Jeeeesssss,” he whined, quite whinely if you asked me, “you were lying on the ground and refusing to get up, I wasn’t going to wait. The food was calling to me, calling I tell you.”
“Shuddup Conner. No one even likes you.”
“Oooooo. Buuuuurn,” smirked Conner.
HOW DOES HE DO SUCH THINGS?
“Don’t look, but James Potter is staring at you,” said Conner.
Of course I looked.
Conner groaned. “Could you really not be more subtle Jess. And you think you’re a ninja.”
I AM SO A NINJA. I AM BOSS AT BEING NINJA.
Anyways, as I looked to see James Potter I saw that he was not in fact staring at me, but glaring.
Why is he glaring at me? He usually never even acknowledges me.
WHY IS HE STILL STARING AT ME?
WHY AM I STILL STARING AT HIM?
WHY IS HIS FACE STILL BEAUTIFUL?
One minute later
My eyes are starting to water.
I can see James is struggling to keep his eyes open.
I SHALL NEVER BLINK!
James smirked insufferably at me. Arrogance poured from every cell in his body, yet he was still so beautiful.
That’s what I meant.
Because he really isn’t that beautiful.
And I absolutely do not have a crush on him.
Not even a teeny weeny one.
“LOOK, A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN.”
“About time Jess, I’ve only been converting carbon dioxide to oxygen for the past fifteen minutes,” said Conner.
“YOU LIED TO ME. THE DECEPTION, THE MISTRUST, THE BETRAYAAAAAAAL.”
I think I have a future on Wiztelly. The Bold and the Magical.
“Come on Jess, I want to have to have our annual D ‘n’ M,” whined Conner.
“You really need a boyfriend.”
“And deprive you of me?” he asked with horrified eyes. “NEVER, MY ONE AND ONLY LOVE.”
“Good, because I think I would be a headless chicken without you,” I replied.
“You flatter me so,” he mock fainted dramatically. “Now let’s go talk some deep and meaningful.”
The thing about our D&M’s is that they almost always fail abysmally. Mainly because we have nothing deep or meaningful to discuss.
We sat snuggled in the Ravenclaw commonroom beanbags (THAT’S RIGHT, WE HAVE BEANBAGS) discussing topics that we should discuss.
“Why we attempt this every single year?”
“Because I’m gay and you’re mad.”
“Ahhhh. I see now.”
5 minutes later
“Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything that’s wonderful is what I feel when we’re togeeeeether.”
“Jess, would you please stop humming.”
10 minutes later
“DONTCHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HAWT LIKE ME?”
“DONTCHA WISH YOU’RE BOYFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME?”
Yes. We had altered the song to fit Conner too.
“WOULD YOU BOTH SHUT THE FUCK UP,” we whipped around to see a midget second year sticking his head out of the staircase, “it is one in the morning and we are trying to sleep.”
And with that he ninja rolled up the stairs. Yes. Up the stairs.
Sigh. That was an envious sigh by the way.
“My fun is always ruined,” pouted Conner with wide eyes.
Awwwww. He is such a cutie! How does he not have a boyfriend?
We snuggled back into the beanbags. (THAT’S RIGHT. WE HAVE BEA…right, I already said that. Meh.)
Conner pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head.
“I wish we could stay like this forever.”
“I want a pony.”
“I love you.”
I grinned up at him.
“…you ruined a heartfelt moment Jess.”
I leant up and kissed his cheek.
Disclaimer: I don't own "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" or "Dontcha." Those belong to Leslie Gore and The Pussycat Dolls. Also the reference to the Bold and the Magical was interpreted from The Bold and the Beautiful, which i do not own.
SALUTATIONS FANFICERS OF THE WORLD.
Yet another chapter of Jess and her nuttiness. It’s so nutty I can taste the crunchiness. CAN YOU?
If you can, tell that grey box. If you can’t, tell the grey box. If you want a pony, tell the grey box.
I have started the next chapter, but be warned, when I say started I mean about two lines in :D
TILL NEXT TIME.
Pet the box young ones