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Memoirs of a Nutter by loony_lovegood101
Chapter 1: Nutty Beginnings
“Shit James, I think you killed her!”
“Shut up Albus, I did not kill her. I barley even saw her, she’s so small. I didn’t even know they came that small.”
“You know for someone who claims to be a seeker, your actual seeking skills are quite appalling.”
Well I have to disagree, I happen to love his seeking skills.
…and his face
“How the hell was I supposed to see her? She’s like the size of a house elf!”
Hay! I am not the size of a house elf!
“Wait. I think her eye just twitched.”
DAMN YOU EYES. HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME SO?
“JAMES, I THINK YOU KILLED HER!”
Should I tell them I’m not dead?
“SHUT UP LILY.”
Meh. Maybe later.
“So what are you going to do with the body? Are you gonna chuck it back through the barrier? Or are you just going to leave it here?” Lily exclaimed with barely concealed excitement, that I can’t deny, hurt me a little bit.
“Or maybe you could fling it in front of the train, like seconds before it leaves so her death looks like an acci-”
WHAT? DON’T CHUCK ME IN FRONT OF A TRAIN! I really can’t die, my owl needs me, and the house elves would be lonely without me, and-
…yeah. I’m all out.
“Okay? So are we going with the train plan?”
Definitely time to get up.
And in my haste to get up, guess who I elbowed in the face?
None other than James Potter.
How. Utterly. Wonderful.
“WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN?”
I scrunched up my eyes again, not wanting to face the Potter wrath. I may have to open them again soon though, because I may or may not look a bit odd sitting up with my eyes closed in the middle of platform 9¾.
THAT IS THE QUESTION. MWHAHAHAHAHA.
…I’ve always wanted to do that.
With all the courage that I owned (which believe me, is not a lot), I flung open my eyes and stared at the odd sight that lay in front of me.
Lily Potter was staring at me in slight disappointment (no doubt because I was not actually a dead body that could be thrown in front of a moving train), Albus Potter was eyeing me as if I had handed him a dead fish or something (it was a weird expression, okay?), and James Potter was clutching angrily at his (bright red) nose.
DAMN. I am good.
Like if someone saw me in a dark alley, they should totally be scared. I could totally beat them to pulp. I should really become like a professional fighter or bodyguard, it would practically be doing a favour to the Wizarding World.
Jess, the girl who took down James Potter.
I admit, it has a good ring to it.
But you know it is kind of a shame. James Potter is the kind of handsome that makes every boy wish he were that good looking and every girl wish their boyfriend was that beautiful. It’s just the way that his brown hair that flops down, partially covering his deep brown eyes, that look like they could melt brownies in them. And the way his whole face crinkles up when he smiles or laughs. And his body. Gah. His body. Its just the way his muscles wrap around his tall build and the way his T-shirt sticks to his chest when he plays Quidditch.
Pffffft. Me? A stalker? Never!
“YOU BROKE MY FACE.”
“I CANNOT BELIEVE THE FACT THAT YOU BROKE MY FACE.”
Should I apologize?
“WHAT KIND OF TWERP BREAKS PEOPLES FACES?”
Suddenly James Potter entered my line of sight and thought it would be just dandy to invade my personal bubble.
Hehe. It’s such a funny word. It makes me smile, like proper light up and everything, and it kind of reminds me of flowers too.
Wow. Is it just me, or did James Potters head get huuuge or what? I mean it looks like he stuck his head in a bee’s nest or something, which by the way, I totally don’t doubt that he would. Wait. Maybe it’s because his head is so close to my face. Ahh, that’s it. James Potter’s head returned to normal proportions (and still just as beautiful).
I then realise that all three Potters are looking at me with quizzical faces (save James, who is still outraged at the fact that I ‘broke’ his face).
Albus Potter then proceeded to warily reach his hand out, very slowly I might add (like I was a mental patient or something), and lay it on my forehead.
Well this is awkward.
“Umm excuse me, but your hand has gotten lost and has found its way to my forehead, please guide it back to your body and steer clear of all other foreheads in the future.”
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
“BLAME IT ON THE GOVERNMENT.”
I have no idea what propelled those words out of my mouth. I fear I am going to be chucked into a mental asylum. I hope it’s a nice one that allows owls. And singing. And chocolate.
DEAR GOD! LET IT HAVE CHOCOLATE. I DON’T KNOW IF I COULD LIVE IF I WERE NOT ALLOWED CHOCOLATE.
“I’m starting to think that train plan was a pretty good idea,” James muttered underneath his breath.
It was so not a good idea!
“It is so not a good idea!” I exclaimed.
“Look, are you going to get up? Because the train is going to leave soon, and quite frankly, since we’ve discovered you’re not dead I think James may actually push you in front of the train. And I cannot afford blood on my hands, I’ve got my O.W.L.’s to think about thank you very much,” sniffed Lily.
“Oh I care about my owl too! I only have one, its nuts! It’s kind of funny because it eats itself, but not literally, because that would be like cannibalism…or owlism,” I trailed of softly.
“Does your owl break faces too?” snapped James.
“SEE HERE, I DID NOT BREAK YOUR FACE YOU NINNY,” I retorted.
“DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FUCKING NINNY?” James squealed. Yes, I repeat, squealed.
“WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?”
All our heads whipped towards Albus, who had been watching the encounter with disbelieving eyes.
“Lily, no one cares about your O.W.L.’s but you, and yes you also have an entire YEAR left till you sit them, and yes, Jess, she was in fact talking about the TEST and not the ANIMAL,” he then whipped his head around to James “and no James, she did not in fact break your face but your nose, man up you woman,” and lastly he turned to face me (shitshitshitshitshit) “and Jess, since we have now confirmed that you are NOT dead would you kindly get the fuck up and get onto the stupid train.”
He then proceeded to haul me up (I hope no one saw my knickers, they had rainbows on them), chucked my trunk at me, and pushed me towards the train.
Well someone’s having their time of the month.
You know, I’ve always had a theory that Albus Potter is in fact a woman. I mean imagine Ginny Weasley giving birth to a girl (Eewww no. Not like that) and then Harry Potter going all old school on him and being all like ‘someone must carry on the family name,’ of course forgetting about his first son. So they then proceed to dress the baby girl up as a baby boy to ‘ahem’ carry on the family name. etc. etc. ect. He grows up. Blahhdiy blahhdiy blah blah, and he becomes a messed up shemale.
Or manwoman. Take your pick.
It makes sense really.
Which is precisely the reason I turned to Albus and thrust an accusing finger in his face and screamed, “YOU’RE A WOMAN AREN’T YOU?”
I’m pretty sure everyone on the platform turned around and was astonished to see Albus Potter, Albus fucking Potter, being accused of lying about his sexuality.
“Just get on the bloody train Jess,” he muttered angrily, practically carting me onto the step.
“You know it’s totally okay if you are one? A woman I mean. ‘Cuz I knew someone who was a woman that pretended to be a man. He/she was pretty stuffed up (had like a billion cats), but once they got he/she to therapy he/she was totally fixed up. Got rid of all of the cats and even stopped insisting that everyone on earth was an alien spy from a foreign land that was intent on capturing he/she and making he/she queen. You just have to own it Albus.”
“Say it with me,” I encouraged gently, “I am a woman trapped inside a man’s body.”
“This is complete and utter bullshit,” James muttered and pushed me onto the train.
I stumbled clumsily and reached for the nearest solid thing that happened to be near me, in hopes of staying upright. Unfortunately I took the (not so solid and stupid) thing down with me.
“Why hello there,” said the desperately good looking Freddy Weasley from underneath his lashes. “I usually prefer having a bed around but here is just fine too.”
Freddy then spied James, his extremely close cousin/friend. If you ask me, they were secret lovers on the down low.
“JAMIE MY DARLING,” Freddy cried, and he bounded in slow motion, arms arced in a hug like motion, towards his cousin/friend (LOVER??).
“FREDDY, HOW I HAVE MISSED THOU,” James proclaimed, and scooped Freddy up in his arms and twirled him around. (Disturbing, I know.)
Why can’t he do that to me?
Right Jess. Pick your woman parts off up the ground and pull it together. I DO NOT WANT JAMES POTTER. I DO NOT WANT JAMES POTTER. I DO NOT WANT JAMES POTTER.
“Collins, you better get up of the floor.”
I looked up to see the outstretched hand of James Potter reaching towards me. Immediately I felt my face flush a marvellous shade of scarlet. As one can obviously pick up, I am not an incredibly social person and I’m not exactly used to being talked to nicely. In fact I think I somewhat scare away the social society with my nuttiness.
“Are you going to keep staring at me like the lunatic you are, or are you going to get up?” he smirked lazily at me.
Your face is so goddam beautiful.
Right. The hand. Focus on the matter at hand Jess.
I warily took the hand, after all James Potter was not known for his tolerance of me, and scooped up my trunk alongside me. I am proud to say that I did not once look at the steely band of muscle that formed all along his arm, or the way his bicep curled, or the look of his masculine hands wrapped around mi-”
“Right, well I’m going to go to my carriage now Collins, try not to die on the way to Hogwarts,” he tossed over his shoulder.
And as he walked away I most certainly did not look at his very impressive backside.
I think I just melted.
Okay. Well I’ll lie here in a puddle of goop while you walk away.
What a funny word. Did I just make it up?
I AM A GENIUS.
I just fucking made a word.
I should be honoured with a crown.
DAN DAN DA! Introducing Jess the Genius!
Oh my. That does have a ring to it.
As I lugged my trunk behind me, I searched for the carriage that I deemed well enough for me.
THAT’S RIGHT. I’M ON A QUEST.
I thrust open the door of the nearest compartment in my excitement and forgot to check who was inside it.
The faces of six tiny (I mean they were midgets) stared doe-eyed up at me.
“QUIVER BEFORE ME, THE LORD OF THE UNIVERSE,” I boomed, still not having looked at who was inside (apparently I’m a bit of an idiot), and to my complete horror the whole compartment burst into chaos.
A couple of the midgets actually started crying.
The rest of them up and ran out of the room screaming like headless chickens or something else equally as headless…or chickeny.
I. Am. So. Confused.
I quickly shut the door of the compartment now wanting to let anymore of Pandora’s Midgets out of their box.
Okay. THE QUEST MUST CONTINUE.
I flung open the next compartment door (checking who was inside first).
“BOW TO ME, JESS THE GENIUS,” I screamed maniacally. Because I’m a maniac. See! It even came with the maniac laugh and everything.
That’s right. Second time in one day.
I. AM. BOSS.
“Oh, salutations Jess the Genius, come and sit on the amazing cushions of the Hogwarts express as we journey our way to our 6th year of Hogwarts. Let the quest begin,” Conner said in a dreamy voice.
“CON CON. HOW I HAVE MISSED THOU,” as I jumped into his embrace and nuzzling my face in his warm chest.
Conner is quite possibly the best male of his species I have ever had the delight of meeting. He’s quiet and he keeps to himself mostly around others, but he’s such a darling to me. He’s the brother I never had.
MY BROTHA FROM ANOTHER MOTHA.
Sigh. I wish I was black (I’m not).
Then I could totally get away with saying gansta things like that and yo mamma and shit.
What do boring white people like me have left? Could you pass the tea?
It’s unfair I tell you.
“MY DARLING JESS, YOU LOOK WELL FED, THE TRAIN IS RED, I’M GLAD YOURE NOT DEAD, GO FIND ME A BED,” Conner recited back to me as his arms furled around me.
Okay. So we had a bromance.
But what else can I say. We’re just a bunch of nutters.
As you can see, im a little insane, but i hope you like the story.
PLEASE LIKE MY STORY.
that grey box needs attention. like a dog. without the barking.
go 'pet' the box.
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