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Chapter 20: The One With All The Lies
Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter.
Authors Note: Hi. How are you all? I hope you are well.
Pippa has been nominated for best OC in the dobby’s, this has made my year, thank you so much for your support, it means so much to me that you like Pippa and it continues to make really happy, so thanks for that. And we’re on chapter twenty! How did that happen! Hopefully updates should be coming monthly, some juicy things are going to happen soon and I want to get writing them, so here is your September update :)
This chapter uses bad language (as usual), please don’t read if offended. Also this chapter has not been beta’ed so please excuse the mistakes you may find. I hope you enjoy the chapter, comments and opinions are welcomed. You learn a few more things about the mysterious him :)
Chapter Twenty -
The One With All The Lies
It was his eyes that I couldn't resist, the way they stared at me, like I was the most wonderful girl in the world. Most of all, I loved the way I looked through them. He still thought I was perfect even when I was screaming in his face. The love he held for me was forever. It was given, it was a promise.
Those blue eyes that saw me as an angel.
My own blue eyes were being swarmed with tears. I closed my eyes, to shield me from the painful world. I wanted to disappear into nothing. I had been feeling like this for a while, a big black cloud was coming for me and I craved for it to swallow me up. I was already growing tired, weary from these chains that held me down, pinning me, unable to escape. I was young but I felt old. There was no longer a reason to crawl out of bed after another sleepless night, to unearth myself from under the sheets. It was my cave, my hideaway from the world that was destroying me.
I just wanted to sleep.
“Why are you unhappy?” He brushed his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead softly. His angel was crumbling and he couldn’t change a thing. His knuckles were covered in scabs and scratches, from the one too many fights he somehow ended up causing, but I liked that roughness about him. I always felt safe and protected.
I stared at him for a while, the silence was swallowing him whole so I offered a him a rope. “Because I’m unhappy.” I whispered as a lump rose in my throat and I thought I was going to breakdown all over again.
It was the best way I could describe it. I was unhappy because I just was. Even when it was sunny, it was raining. I needed to run so far away. I needed to escape myself. I needed to escape the urges that lived inside of me and block out the misery. It drips down my skin, slowly, he touches my hand and a little drip is shared. I have tainted him.
“If you keep on living like this, you’ll destroy yourself.” I shrugged like I didn’t care. It was impossible for me to think positive, that I could ever get well or how I used to be. This was the new me and I hated her. “I don’t like seeing you like this, it kills me.” I was developing into the most vile version of myself. I was going the wrong way. I was meant to be crafting myself into something extraordinary. “I want to help, stop pushing me away.” He begged and pleaded. It was no use, I wouldn’t let him in. I would walk into the darkness alone. He belonged somewhere different. This was the truth, this was the future and our relationship would slowly wilt and die even though despite the venom in my veins, I knew I didn't want to lose him. He was my person, my something to love, to have and fucking hold. Forever and always.
Things were changing, I didn’t like it but I was powerless to stop it. I am not god, just a mere mortal, not in control of my own emotions or anything around me. I am the actress, not the director.
“Nothing makes me happier than you,” He paused for a moment and I turned away from him. “Or sadder.” He gripped my hand and I wanted to scream.
His words stung and the guilt started to mix in with my misery. The words sliced me into tiny pieces, leaving a bloody mess in it’s wake but I didn’t flinch nor did I show it. He made me want to die.
“Leave me alone.” I ordered pathetically, with no real force behind my words, all strength had been drained. I just wanted to be tortured by my own thoughts and not by his words. I could handle the lies of my mind, but not his truth.
He sighed. He didn’t want to leave me, for once. It made me want to cry all over again.
So, he just sat there, watching me, loving me for the imperfect person I was and I rejected it all.
It was the yelling that startled me, awakening me from my past into my present. My heart ached in a beautiful exhilarating way, his memory staining me as I pushed the thoughts of him away and focused on the boy that was still lying next to me. I had expected him to leave, to awake alone and wonder if everything that had happened last night was just a sick dream. I wondered why he had stayed, as I knew I would have left him. The sun was slowly rising, it blinded me and I cursed it.
I had broken down in front of Albus. The walls had broken down. I breathed in deeply, as if it would be my last. I watched the boy, who was cold as snow, lose his battles with his demons. He kept them at bay when he was awake, but he relinquished control when he drifted off and they took full advantage of that, consumed him and swallowed him whole. As much as I would never speak the words out loud, Albus had helped me last night, and now, apparently, it was my time to help him. Life can be such a bitch sometimes. It was forcing me to do crap I really didn’t want to do.
I punched him in the ribs.
“Wake up, Moaning Myrtle.” I hissed, as I watched as he woke up terrified, shaking from his nightmares. He closed his eyes and when he had opened them, composure was regained. The familiar Albus was back and the other one I had only glimpsed at was gone and I would never see that side of him again. I would make sure of that. I preferred him treating me appallingly to treating me like I was human. I knew where I stood then. I hated the unfamiliar, it made me nervous and I hated the fact that things were spiralling out of my control. I needed to up my game and quick.
Albus smirked at me. “Seriously? Moaning Myrtle? That was the best you could come up with? I’m almost disappointed.”
“It seemed to fit.” I scowled at him. “What are they about? Not being daddys little boy anymore? The precious middle Potter?” My game was on excellent form. I had gotten in the first attack.
Albus chuckled, sarcastically. He was unshaken, I would have to try harder. He was growing harder and I was growing weaker. “You’ve woken up in a bitchy mood, all because I saw you cry.” I couldn’t help but cringe. He always got to me a lot easier than I could get to him. He worked out my sore points from the moment he laid eyes on me, but I was only beginning to figure out his. “And unlike you, Nott, some of us don’t break that easy. We can’t all be made of glass, it’d be a bloody catastrophe.” He yawned. “You need to get your shit together or at least look like you’ve got it together, you’re getting painful to look at.”
“I could say the same about your stupid, ugly face.” I was turning into a child it seemed. Albus just laughed at me which only infuriated me more.
“You’re so hardcore.” He raised his eyebrow at me. “You wound me deep, my little kangaroo.” The nickname had returned and I glared furiously at him.
“Don’t call me that.” I snapped.
Albus laughed softly to himself. “Why?” He questioned as he leaned into my face, his breath tickled my skin. Those fucking eyes, that possessed me every time, made me unable to look away. I wanted to run away or push him away, yet I stood sat there, like his puppet, I waited for his next move. His face was pale and there was a manic smile on his face, it was demented, it was crazy, it wasn’t pretend, it was all too real. “Don’t you like it?” He was playing with me, using his angelic face but I resisted and counter acted. This game wasn’t over, it was only the start.
“I hate it.” I lifted up my hand and I saw the curious look in his eyes. He probably thought I was going to go mad at him again and try to hit him but instead, I let my fingers trace his face, taking in every tiny detail as my pulse raced. It was just an experiment, a way to get to him. I finally took notice of the scratch that was on his cheek, the pale tiny scar above his left eyebrow, the lips that spewed venom at me that I couldn’t help but lap up. I brushed my fingers against his lips. His breathing was shallow and so was mine. I had stunned him for a moment, I had mesmerized him in my own way. I smirked and he recoiled from me, furious in the fact that I had caused something. “What?” I laughed, basking in all my glory. I was made of awesome. “Don’t you like it?” It was my turn to laugh at him. It made a welcomed change.
Albus stared at me dumbstruck for a moment before regaining control of himself.“I hate it.” He wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “Your touch repulses me.” He stood up quickly. “If anyone asks, last night never happened.” He wanted to erase the moment we understood each other from history and I was fine with that because I had been a fool last night. I was embarrassed. To be honest, I thought it was probably the best idea Albus had ever had in his life. It would be our secret. The very idea of sharing something with Albus left my stomach in a heavy knot and made me want to be sick.
“You make it sound like...something life changing happened.” I mocked him, enjoying my power and going a bit delirious on it. “I will never stop hating you, I despise everything that you are.”
Albus shrugged. “It’s because I remind you of everything you hate about yourself, my stupid little kangaroo.”
I shrugged, I had started to accept that we shared an understanding that we didn’t quite knew how to cope with nor what it truly was, it’s just unhappy people recognize each other instantly. It’s a fact. “I’ll tell Scorpius I was here alone, you can tell him whatever you want.” Scorpius was our link, I could give a different story to everyone else but the one we had to tell Scorpius had to match up. I hated the thought of lying to him, but I had no other choice. He was already too involved by having us both in his life.
Albus smiled softly to himself. “Don’t worry about that, Scorpius is used to my disappearing acts.” He gave me one last glance, the balance had been shaken and Albus left without his usual upper hand.
I was proud of myself, even though I felt cold. I stayed there for a little while, I half expected Albus to come back to start another row but he didn’t come. Eventually, I got up and walked quickly out of the astronomy tower. I needed to wash, I felt like I was covered in germs. I had slept on the floor, I was practically a tramp. This was disgusting. I was now all germy, I could feel them crawling on my skin as I itched my arms, as I wanted to peal off all my skin and start anew. I would need to boil myself alive and scrub for hours until my skin was red. I had probably caught some disease and would be dead within the morning. Goodbye sweet world, you have been cruel and quite the bastard.
“Oi! Pippa!” I turned around to see Damien, followed closely by Fred and James. I stopped so they could catch up.
“What do you want?” I asked. I didn’t want to mess around. I needed to wash, I needed to clean. And for some reason, I wanted to see Scorpius, even when everything is utter shit, Scorpius makes everything seem better but I would deny this urge.
“Where have you been?” He asked, curiously, but I knew there was nothing innocent about it at all. There was always a motive when it came to that dear brother of mine and it always came to bite me in ass.
“Why the hell do you care?” I asked. I was interested in what he had to say but I knew I wouldn’t like the answer.
“Just answer the bloody question.” He ordered and I just shook my head.
“You lost the right to boss me around when you started messing around with Emilie Zabini.” I hissed to him. It was a low blow, I knew that but I couldn’t help it.
Damien sighed at me. “I thought we had sorted that out.” That was typical of Damien. He thought things were that simple, but I held a grudge that was going nowhere anytime soon. And he was forgetting that I was one bitter bitch. Maybe it was pathetic but I couldn’t help it. I loved him, but I didn’t like him.“Stop being a child.” And the worst thing of all? The real reason I couldn’t move past it all? Because Damien didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how much he had hurt me or how the way I viewed him had been forever changed. I used to view him as my King, I built him up into something he wasn’t and the person that I was looking at dissapointed me. I couldn’t help it.
Maybe it was my own fault.
And Damien wasn’t actually that bad.
“I’m not a child,” I snapped at him. “I just don’t think you have any right to interfere with my life and you don’t need to know where I am all the time, should I owl you everytime I make a move?” Damien scowled at me. He hadn’t expected this. He assumed that I would comply like I had done all the times before. He had been a ghost in my life for several years now, if this was his way of becoming part of it again, he was going the wrong way about it. “But if you must know, I was in my dormitory.” I lied, hoping he would just believe it and I could go on my merry little way.
Damien raised his eyebrow. “All night?”
“Yes.” I sighed. “Anything else?” My irritation was slowly rising with him but I had to keep it bottled up.
“Then why are you still in your quidditch robes?” He questioned.
I looked down, oh crap, I had completely forgotten about that but the fact that Damien had even noticed surprised me, he wasn’t known for being observant. “I came back and passed out in my uniform.” I told him, the lies coming to me easily. “And now I’m heading for a bath, Scorpius told me the password to the prefects bathroom so I thought I’d check it out.” Truthfully, I had been using the prefects bathroom for over a year, I had forced the password out of Scorpius as soon as he put on that shiny badge onto his robes. The prefects bathroom was just so much nicer than the regular ones. “Congrats by the way.” I added bitterly.
“You played well, Pippa.” Fred interjected, trying to diffuse the tension that was rising as Damien sulked and glared at me.
“I was surprised but you were awesome.” James added helpfully.
I rolled my eyes. “I lost though still, didn’t I?” The wound was still fresh, it seemed and I still wasn’t sure where I would go from here with quidditch. I didn’t even want to think about it.
“You’ve still got two matches though, it’s early days.” Fred smiled at me and I just stared at him.
I sighed. “Maybe I don’t even care anymore.” Maybe I did. I was too confused about it all, I never wanted to feel like I did last night ever again.
“I know you’re lying.” Damien grabbed my wrist and I snatched it quickly away.
“Don’t touch me.” I scowled at him.
Damien shook his head. “I know you were with Potter.” His hatred evident, I looked at James, who suddenly looked very uncomfortable. Fred just ran his fingers through his hair as he shared a glance with James.
“Are you stalking me now?” I was really trying to keep my temper under wraps, but it was getting increasingly harder. I couldn’t believe that Damien would betray my privacy like that, it also raised the question on how the hell did he even know anyway? I’m pretty sure Damien isn’t a seer.
“What the hell is going on?” He yelled at me and I flinched. Since I was born, Damien has barely yelled at me, of course, we’ve argued, but Damien always managed to keep his cool. It seemed that this was not one of those times. I felt sorry for James and Fred. Damien had no right on dragging them on this interrogation, they had no part of it, this was clearly a Nott thing.
“Nothing.” I sighed, exasperated. It was the truth in some sense. How could I explain what was happening when I had no idea myself. We tortured each other a lot and argued too much. “He came to yell at me for losing the game.” This lying thing was too easy sometimes, it just came naturally. “That’s it, alright?”
“Then why did you-”
“-You know what Damien?” I cut him off. “Stay the fuck out of my life, you have no right accusing me, you know nothing.” Damien recoiled in sheer surprised. He wasn’t expecting this. He was used to the sister who complied with his every whim and she didn’t exist anymore. “And you two can do the same too.” I snapped at James and Fred, in my eyes, they had ruined any chance of friendship we might have had by agreeing to come along to this. In my eyes, they had betrayed me, not as much as Damien but still. I never expected them to do this, I somewhat expect this from Damien, but not them. All three of them looked dumbstruck.
I pushed past them and I didn’t look back.
Not one of them followed me. It killed something inside and made me happy at the same time. I uttered the password to the wall and walked through the passage. I ignored everyone in the common room. People glared at me, obviously blaming me for slytherins loss yesterday. I entered the dormitory to find that Emilie was nowhere to be found. Cassie was brushing PJ as Uggers sat there glaring at her. Cassie smiled happily at Uggers, she was make up free and still in her pjs. I yawned, I guess it still was rather early.
“What’s up?” She questioned. “And don’t try to tell me you’re fine.” I sat on my bed. “You look all frustrated.” She flicked her hair.
“Damien.” I answered simply.
Cassie chuckled softly to herself. “What has the twat done now?”
“Just trying to interfere in my life, when he has no right. He’s barely been there for me, now suddenly he wants to act all big brother like? He can go to hell.” I sighed, as I picked up all my wash stuff. “James and Fred were there too, so I swore at them too.” I almost regretted it, but in the same breath, I didn’t.
Cassie grinned at me. “I’m proud of you.” She turned and cooed at PJ. “Where were you last night? Did you spend all night cleaning the common room or something?”
“Yeah.” I answered. “I hid for a while, you know how people can get and I was embarrassed.” This day will be forever remembered as the day I lied a lot. I felt guilty about lying to her, but it was for the best. I had once tried to explain something about me and Albus before Lily’s sleepover and she had told me she wasn’t interested. I always wondered why since and I forever came up with a blank. It was just another question I would never get answered. Like the question, why am I so short when the rest of my family are normal sized? Or why is Scorpius so stupid? It hurt that she didn’t care because I listened and memorized everything she told me most of the time. I could list every boy Cassie has ever had a thing with and believe me, that list is huge.
Cassie nodded, understanding but I felt something lurked behind it. “Don’t be, you tried your best.” She smiled at me and I grinned awkwardly at her. If only she knew the truth, I wanted to open up and tell her everything but I couldn’t. Something was stopping me and I wasn’t sure what is was. I hoped it would diminish soon enough. I knew we would get through this, we had survived a lot worst. To make up for giving me Damien, I got Cassie as well. We were Cassie and Pippa, we just worked.
Even though she was still right in front me, Cassie suddenly felt miles away.