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Naïve by ohmymerlin
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Format: Novel
Chapters: 4
Word Count: 13,094
Status: WIP

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Language, Mild Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, Contains Slash (Same-Sex Pairing), Substance Use or Abuse, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme

Genres: Humor, Romance, Young Adult
Characters: Teddy, Scorpius, Albus, James (II), Lily (II), Hugo, Rose, Victoire, OC, OtherCanon
Pairings: Lily/OC, Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Rose/Scorpius, Teddy/Victoire

First Published: 06/17/2012
Last Chapter: 12/02/2012
Last Updated: 12/02/2012

Summary:
banner by Chocolate_Frog @ tda

When you have a gay second cousin who likes to be called Glitter, a brother who owns a shifty apothecary, another brother trying to get his band noticed in the muggle world and a cousin who’s trying to make a worldwide chess organisation, the word ‘normal’ just isn’t in your vocabulary.

on hiatus, sorry all!

Chapter 2: Chapter the Second
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“Lily, wake up.” Someone poked my face.

“No.”

“Did you just say no?” a new voice said.

“No.”

“Lily, come on stop being stupid.”

“No.”

It was so hard to maintain a straight face let me tell you. I was in a very comfortable position and I was extremely warm, so I think that I have earned the right to lie around and do nothing.

“If you don’t get up, I’ll tickle you,” James (I finally recognised the voice) threatened.

Please be bluffing. I hate being tickled, it’s like being raped but you’re forced to laugh. 

“I will tickle you.”

“You’re bluffing,” I said.

“Want to try me?” James didn’t wait for a response but instead just started to tickle me. I squealed and tried to run away but Al picked me up. My glasses fell off and I quickly caught them before they smashed on the ground.

“You aren’t going anywhere, Lily!” he laughed. He then threw me over his shoulder and started walking back to the Burrow.

“You are an evil Slytherin,” I told him.

“I am,” he said simply and shrugged, which made his shoulders dig into my boobs. I told him this.

“Don’t shrug, it hurts my boobs.”

Dom snorted from somewhere, “Lily you don’t have boobs.”

“That’s mean, Dom,” I said. “I just don’t have extra-large boobs, unlike you and I’m okay with that, but it still hurts when Al digs his shoulder into them.” I poked his back and he bounced me up and down in retaliation.

I swear I heard Dom roll her eyes; she does it so bloody often they’re probably all rusty. Al still had me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and I tried to kick him so he’d let me down.

It didn’t work. I have short stubby legs (courtesy of mother dearest) so I couldn’t get a good strong kick.

“Why are you holding, Lily?” Teddy asked Al.

Al shrugged again and I punched his back. “Oww… Lily that hurt!”

“Good! Let me down you evil Slytherin, you.”

“You need better insults,” James’ voice came from behind me.

“I’ll go learn some if Al puts me down.”

“Shouldn’t you be looking for a job instead of looking up insults?” Al asked. I swear to Merlin, he was radiating evil.

“You’re a dollop-head, Al,” I informed him flatly.

“Dollop-head? What on earth is a dollop-head?” he asked bewilderedly. “You just made that up.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Oh yeah, what does it mean then?” Al challenged.

“I’ll tell you in three words. Albus Severus Potter,” I grinned.

“Har-har,” he said sardonically. “Seriously where did you get that from?”

“I got it from Merlin,” I winked at Roxy, she understood what I meant.

“What? Did Merlin come to you in a dream and tell you to call me a dollop-head?” Al asked sarcastically.

“Nope. He came through to me through that muggle box-thing. I think it’s called a television?”

“So Merlin came to you through the telly, and told you to call me a dollop-head?” Al asked his voice laced with amusement.

“Yup, so will you please put me down now? My glasses are going to fall off soon.”

“Let me think about it,” he paused and I rolled my eyes. He wouldn’t put me down. “No.”

Told you. “Please, Al?”

“Say the magic phrase,” he started to shake with laughter.

“Oh come on! Do I have to?” I pleaded.

“Yes, you have to.” James grinned at me. Everyone else looked curiously between the three of us.

“What’s this magic phrase?” Roxy asked curiously.

“It’s like mercy, but even more embarrassing,” James said cheerfully.

“How come we’ve never heard of it?” Hugo asked.

James and Al shot each other wicked grins. They were far too similar for my liking. 

“You’ve never heard of it because these two dollop-heads made it up last year and refused to tell anyone about it,” I rolled my eyes for effect.

“Well, you’re going to have to reveal it soon, Lily, if you ever want to get down that is,” Al said, chuckling.

I sighed. “Fine, I’ll just never go down and your shoulder can break from my weight.”

“Pfft, Lily you’re about as light as a ton of feathers.”

“And you’re as sharp as a marble, Al,” Rose’s voice interjected.

Al nearly dropped me in surprise but caught me just in time. He whirled around (with me nearly slipping off) and said cheerfully, “Heya Rosie, where were you?”

“I was at work, but I can see everyone did all the decorations already. Lily and Roxy, why did you do it without me?”

“We would have gotten in trouble if we hadn’t of done it!” I protested.

“See, if you weren’t shagging the Scorpion, you wouldn’t have missed it,” Roxy smirked at her in a knowing way.

I didn’t see Rose’s reaction, but judging by everyone else’s reactions, she went bright red and started to protest weakly.

“No – I wasn’t – me and – we weren’t –”

“Relax Rosie, I’m just teasing you.” Roxy winked at me and I giggled but abruptly stopped when it hurt my stomach because of Al’s shoulder.

“So, Al, are you going to let me down yet?” I craned my neck to look at him, but that required too much effort so I slumped back down.

“Nope.”

“Oh that reminds me, Al, as if you would say a ton of feathers! That’s just plain dumb,” Rose said condescendingly.

“Oh yeah, that was the first thing that popped in my head for some reason. But ‘as sharp as a marble’? Really? Like that’s not dumb?” Al retorted.

“That’s the point,” Rose sighed.

“Rose, don’t worry about him. He’s just a stupid Slytherin.” I glared at his back and poked him again.

“New insults, Lil,” James said, grinning goofily at me.

“Sorry, he’s just a dollop-head,” I corrected.

“That’s not even an insult!” Al sighed.

“’Dollop-head’? I like that one, I think I’ll use it,” Rose said happily.

“Okay, I’m bored with this,” Dom said while checking her nails for her non-existent flaws. “Can we do something?”

Al shrugged again and I elbowed his back. “That hurts! How many times must I remind you?!”

“Al! Why is Lily on your shoulder?” Mum’s voice rang out.

Thank you, Mummy! I love you so much! You are now my favourite person.

“Her feet were tired, I thought I’d carry her,” Al shrugged again and I elbowed his back again.

“Don’t lie you evil little snake! See, this is why you were put in Slytherin!” James looked at me but I gave him a glare before he could say anything.

“Lily, why is Al carrying you?” Mum sighed.

I explained, “Well he and James were tickling me and I was about to run away but then he picked me up and now he won’t put me down, the dollop-head.”

“Lily don’t call your brother a – wait, what did you call him?” Dad asked perplexedly.

“A dollop-head.” I tried to crane my neck around to grin at him, but it hurt too much.
Both Dad and Mum sighed at the same time – it’s freaky when they do that, and Mum said, “Al put your sister down.”

He started to protest but Mum must have given him ‘the look’ and he finally put me down. As soon as my feet were safe on the ground, I stretched out and said happily, “I’m free! Thanks Mum!”

She grinned at me and I gave her a big hug. Mum was one of my best friends; I’ve always been super close to her. I gave Dad a hug and he patted my hair. He’s always had a fascination with it, I have no idea why. It’s exactly the same shade as Mums, all my uncles and most of his nephews and nieces.

“So did you get the job?” he asked excitedly.

I felt my face crumple and I shook my head. Mum noticed and wrapped me in a hug. “There’s always other jobs, sweetheart.”

“I know, but I wanted that job,” I lied. In actual fact, I wanted Mum and Dad to give me money forever and I’ll just live on Nutella.

Sadly, life didn’t work that way.

Ugh.

Dad looked at me sympathetically and asked, “Do you want me to talk to the head of the department? Who is it by the way?”

I shook my head, “No Dad, you don’t need to talk to him for me. I think his name was Cormac McLaggen or something weird like that.”

“Cormac McLaggen? That guy was a wanker,” Uncle Ron said, coming up from behind Mum and Dad.

“You’re just saying that because he liked Hermione,” Mum shot at him.

Aunt Hermione blushed but she said, “He was quite insufferable though.”

“Yeah, Ginny remember Quidditch?” Dad grinned when Mum shuddered with a disgusted expression on her face.

“Okay, maybe he was a wanker,” Mum admitted, “and now he’s an even bigger one because he didn’t let you have the job. I think I’ll send him a howler.”

“Yes, Mum! Can you please?” James and Al asked excitedly. They loved it when someone else got in trouble. Even though they’re 21 and 20, they still got a thrill from it. Last year Mum sent me a howler saying how I should have a good last year and she was only sending this to satisfy her two idiot sons.

Everyone always brought it up around me. It embarrassed me at first, but then I realised that my mum was cooler than everyone else’s.

“No, Mum, you don’t need to send him a howler, if I ever want to apply there again, I have to stay quiet,” I assured her.

“Well, if McLaggen’s there, I really don’t want you working there anyway, Lily,” Dad said sternly and Uncle Ron agreed.

Mum rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. “Lily will work wherever she wants to and neither of you will say anything about it.” They both looked down but didn’t respond.

“What if she ends up working as a stripper?” Roxy interjected with that evil smirk.

Mum and I both gave Roxy a look and Dad, James, Al and Uncle Ron all paled.

“Roxanne!” Aunt Hermione chided, but she was holding back her own laughter, “Don’t say that.”

Roxy winked at Aunt Hermione, who couldn’t hold her laughter in anymore. She let out a very unattractive snort and Rose said in horror, “Mum!”

“I can’t believe I just snorted.” Aunt Hermione clapped a hand to her mouth and started laughing again. Rose and I joined in and I realised, even though I may have not gotten the job, my family would always make me feel better.

~*~

“Glitter, I’m home,” I called out.

I heard a thump and then some other noises that sounded like he was picking up a lot of things.

“Glitter?”

“In a minute, Lillian,” he called back, sounding muffled. What on earth would he be doing?

I knocked tentatively on the door. “Did you need any help?”

“No, no! Don’t worry, I’m fine!” he said hurriedly and I heard another thump.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

The door swung open and he had his shirt inside out and his usually styled hair was a big mess.

“Glitter, you have your shirt inside out,” I pointed out, trying not to laugh.

He blushed and hastily fixed it. “So, what needs do you require?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to finish that croquembouche?” I asked hopefully.

“Oh, of course! Let me just get into something more comfy.” He smiled at me but something just looked off.

“Seriously, is everything okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, everything is fine, I just was surprised, I thought you were going to be out for ages.” He smiled even wider and I shrugged.

“Okay, sure, I’m just going to get in my pajamas.”

“Isn’t it a little early for pajamas?” he asked amusedly.

I gave him a look. “It’s never too early for pajamas.” Glitter shrugged and I walked to my room to get changed. I heard his door close softly and that surprised me. Glitter never closed his door.

I just shrugged again and pulled my pajamas with pygmy puffs on them. I want another pygmy puff, they were absolutely adorable. Maybe I could get Uncle George to give me one for free, I mean; I was his goddaughter, so I should get discounts.

But if Uncle Ron still didn’t get a discount, he might not give me one.

I walked out and saw Glitter ushering a very attractive guy out his door.

“Ah, is this why you were all jittery before?” I folded my arms trying to look stern, but my big grin gave me away.

He hung his head. “Dammit. But yes, this is why. Lily, this is Drew. Drew this is my cousin, Lily.”

I held my hand out. “Nice to meet you, I would say I’ve heard a lot about you, but…” I trailed off and bit my lip to stop myself from bursting out in laughter.

“Yeah…” He chuckled awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. “I think I should get going now.”

Glitter nodded and led him to the door. I waved at Drew and when Glitter closed the door, he groaned.

“Why didn’t you want me to know?” I asked, putting on my best ‘hurt’ voice.

“Because I only met him last night, and we had unfinished business, still unfinished because of you,” he said pointedly, glaring at me.

“Woops, but you little slut! One night? I thought you had standards, Glitter.” I shook my head in mock disproval.

“Don’t judge me, you prude!” He stuck his tongue out at me. “Shall we continue the croquembouche?”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course! Do you even need to ask?”

“I don’t, but it’s usually polite to ask.”

I grinned and started pulling out the ingredients for the rest of the croquembouche. “And I am not a prude by the way,” I said, “just because you’re a slut, doesn’t make me a prude.”

“Oh yeah?” he challenged, “When was the last time you had sex?”

I concentrated on stirring the sugar and water when I answered carefully. “That’s none of your business.”

“Fine, I’ll bite. When was the last time you had a boyfriend?” he grinned at me.

I bit my lip and said in a quiet voice, “I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

“No way!” I jumped at his loud voice. “Lily, you’re absolutely gorgeous! As if you haven’t had a boyfriend before! Have you kissed a guy?”

“Yes, I’ve kissed a guy!” I wasn’t going to mention it was in a game of truth and dare when I was a fourth year.

“Truth and Dare doesn’t count, Lily,” he said, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

“Fine. Other than that, no. I haven’t kissed a guy nor had a boyfriend,” I confessed.

“So you’ve never had sex?” he gasped.

I blushed and said, “Everything doesn’t revolve around sex, you know.”

“Yes it does,” he replied simply, “this is my new goal in life. To find you a man, you’re the most wonderful person I know Lily, you deserve to be happy.”

“I am happy!” I protested. “And anyway, my main focus is to find a job first.”

“Oh yeah! Okay, I’m going to write a list and we’ll check it off. Do you want to try and finish it by New Year?”

“Depends on what the list is,” I said.

“Good point. After I’ve written it down, how about we try and work out when you have to finish the list?”

I shrugged and he ran off to get a paper and pen. It took me a while to understand how to work a pen, but now that I’ve got the hang of it, it was actually much easier than a quill.

After the caramel had been made, Glitter rushed back into the room. “Here you go, read this and I’ll do the rest of the croquembouche.” He thrust the letter in my hand and started working on the masterpiece.

THINGS I MUST GET LILY TO DO BY __________ (insert date here):
1. FINISH CROQUEMBOUCHE
2. EAT CROQUEMBOUCHE
3. FIND A JOB
4. BUY NEW CLOTHES
5. FIND A BOYFRIEND
6. MAKE HER LOSE HER V-CARD

After I read the list, I asked Glitter, “What if I don’t want to lose my v-card?”

Without turning around, he said, “Lily, you’re 18 years old. The only 18 year old virgins are nuns in training.”

I rolled my eyes and said, “Well, I don’t want to have sex with a guy that I just met, unlike some people," I said pointedly, "so I would probably wait three or four months, at least, and to actually meet the guy that would probably take seven years. So all up, the date I should finish this list would be in December 2034 or January 2035.”

He pouted. “Lily, don’t be such a killjoy.”

“I’m sorry if I want to remain innocent for a bit longer,” I defended.

He rolled his eyes and said, “It’s not about losing your virginity, its more about the learning experiences. You know – learn to love and all that.”

“I know how to love,” I said defensively.

“You know how to love your family and friends, you need some experience in the other areas, otherwise the first guy that comes your way is bound to hurt you. I’m just looking out for you,” he said earnestly.

“Look, I’ve had some experience,” I said.

“What experiences?” he asked curiously.

“Well, I’ve fancied some of James and Al’s friends before, but they always let me down easy.” I shrugged.

“So you actually went up and asked them out?” he asked, disbelief evident in his voice.

I fidgeted. “Well, no, not exactly.”

“What happened then?” he asked while tasting some of the caramel.

“Al or James usually let it slip and then they would come to me and say that even though I’m nice, they would never go out with me because I was always the little sister of their best mate.” I looked down and tried to hide my blush.

“Okay, so at least we know, if you’re going to get rejected – which you should not because you are absolutely B-E-A-UTIFUL!” I blushed even harder and Glitter winked at me. “We’ll know that you won’t moan and wail about how no one loves you. You understand that some people just can’t handle your awesomeness.”

“Ah, Glitter, you never fail to make me feel better.” I grinned at him and he pretended to tip his hat towards me.

“What are friends for?” He grinned.

“You aren’t my friend,” I teased and he rolled his eyes.

“I’m sorry, what are second cousins for?”

I grinned at him and he pulled me into a hug. After a few seconds he pushed me off. “Okay, that’s enough human contact for a day.”

“Well if you hadn’t have been with Drew, you could hug me for longer,” I pointed out.

“Honey, your hugs could never compare with Drew’s. I mean for one; he’s a guy, two; he was shirtless and three; he had abs.”

I rolled my eyes and helped him to finish the croquembouche. As soon as we were finished, he bounced up and down excitedly. “We can cross one thing off your list!”

He picked the list up and with an extravagant flick; he crossed off number 1 of the list.

“Next thing to do; EAT THE CROQUEMBOUCHE!” And on that dramatic note, he started eating it.

“Com – on – Li’y,” he said with his mouth full.

I didn’t need to be told twice.

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