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Naive by ohmymerlin

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Format: Novel
Chapters: 29
Word Count: 136,635

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Contains profanity, Strong violence, Scenes of a sexual nature, Substance abuse, Sensitive topic/issue/theme

Genres: Humor, Romance, LGBTQA
Characters: Albus, Hugo, James (II), Lily (II), OC, OtherCanon
Pairings: Lily/OC

First Published: 06/17/2012
Last Chapter: 05/26/2014
Last Updated: 05/26/2014

Chocolate_Frog @ tda

Lily Potter is fresh out of Hogwarts. She lives with her second cousin called Glitter, has a brother who owns a shifty apothecary, another brother trying to make it big in the Muggle music industry, and a cousin who is currently trying to make a worldwide chess organisation.
All the while she is trying to set up her own bakery.
Being crazy just isn’t enough for Lily.


Chapter 2: Chapter the Second
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“Lily, wake up.” Someone pokes my face.


“Did you just say no?” a new voice says.


“Lily, come on stop being stupid.”


It is so hard to maintain a straight face let me tell you. I’m in a very comfortable position and I’m extremely warm, so I think that I have earned the right to lie around and do nothing.

“If you don’t get up, I’ll tickle you,” James (I finally recognised the voice) threatens.

Please be bluffing. I hate being tickled. It’s a fate worse than death.

“I will tickle you, I’m not bluffing,” he repeats as if he knows what is going through my mind.

“You’re bluffing,” I say. I hope he really is.

“Want to try me?” James doesn’t wait for a response but instead starts tickling me. I squeal and try to run away but Al picks me up. My glasses fall off and I quickly catch them before they smash on the ground. I still feel a bit dizzy but I’m trying to ignore it as I’m attempting to run away from my terrible brothers. They used to do this when I was little, because they’re so bloody close in age they would gang up on me.

Nothing has changed.

“You aren’t going anywhere, Lily!” he booms, tightening his grip around me. He throws me over his shoulder and starts walking back to the Burrow. I try to wiggle out of his grip but Al has a grip stronger than a boa constrictor.

“You are an evil Slytherin,” I tell him.

“I am,” he says simply and shrugs, making his shoulder dig into my stomach. I hit in him in the back. “What was that for?” he asks.

I roll my eyes and see Dominique looking at me curiously. I smile wearily at her and reply to Al, “Because when you shrug it really hurts my stomach. So don’t do it.”

Dom laughs at me. “Just kick him where it hurts, Lil.” I think about that advice and Al starts to protest.

“Put me down and then I won’t kick you,” I say. James snickers as Al refuses my offer. I try to kick him but because of my short stubby legs (courtesy of Mother dearest), my leg feels like it bent at an awkward angle. So that fails and I stay on Al’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“Why are you holding, Lily?” Teddy asks Al.

Al shrugs again so I punch his back. “Ow! Lily that hurt!” he says reproachfully.

“Good! Let me down you evil Slytherin, you.” I poke his back.

“You need better insults,” James’ voice comes from behind me.

“I’ll go learn some if Al puts me down,” I say, rolling my eyes. It’s like we’re five year olds.

“Shouldn’t you be looking for a job instead of looking up insults?” Al asks. James high-fives him. I swear to God, they’re both radiating evil. I can actually see the green squiggly lines.

“You’re a dollop-head, Al,” I inform him flatly.

“‘Dollop-head’? What on earth is a dollop-head?” he asks bewilderedly. “You just made that up,” he accuses me.

“No I didn’t,” I say. It’s one of my most favourite insults from Merlin. I constantly use it.

“Oh yeah, what does it mean then?” Al challenges.

“I’ll tell you in three words. Albus Severus Potter,” I grin. Best show ever. I see Hugo laughing at the side. Dom looks bored and is currently checking her nails for flaws. I can’t see everyone else.

“Har-har,” he says sardonically. “Seriously where did you get that from?” he asks.

“I got it from Merlin.” I hear Roxy let out a bark of laughter. She knows what I’m talking about.

“What? Did Merlin come to you in a dream and tell you to call me a dollop-head?” Al asks sarcastically.

“Nope. He came through to me through that muggle box-thing. I think it’s called a television?” I say. I never remember if it’s a television or a microwave. They look fairly similar.

“So Merlin came to you through the telly, and told you to call me a dollop-head?” Al asks with his voice laced with amusement.

“Yup, so will you please put me down now? My glasses are going to fall off soon,” I say as I catch my glasses again. Thank goodness for fast reflexes.

“Let me think about it,” he pauses and I roll my eyes. He’s not going to put me down. “No.”

Told you. “Please, Al?” I beg, trying to look at him but it hurt my neck so I stop, flopping down his back again.

“Say the magic phrase.” He starts to shake with laughter. No, not the magic phrase! Anything but that!

“Oh come on! Do I have to?” I plead. It is the worst sentence in the whole world.

“Yes, you have to.” James grins at me. The others stop their conversation to ask us what this magic phrase is. After all, we’ve kept it quiet for three years. Not even Mum and Dad know about it. James responds cheerfully, “It’s like mercy, but even more embarrassing.”

“How come we’ve never heard of it?” Hugo asks.

“Because it’s too embarrassing to be uttered aloud,” I say.

“Well, you’re going to have to reveal it soon, Lily, if you ever want to get down that is,” Al says, chuckling.

I sigh. “Fine, I’ll just never go down and your shoulder can break from my weight.” I will not say those infernal words.

“Pfft, Lily you’re about as light as a tonne of feathers,” he replies. I roll my eyes. My brother is an idiot.

“And you’re as sharp as a marble, Al,” Rose’s voice interjects. I look up and see Rose staring at the two of us amusedly. I grin at her and she smiles back at me.

Al nearly drops me in surprise but catches me just in time. He whirls around (with me nearly slipping off) and says cheerfully, “Heya Rosie, where were you?”

“I was at work, but I can see everyone did all the decorations already. Lily and Roxy, why did you do it without me?” she asks, looking a bit hurt.

“We would have gotten in trouble if we hadn’t of done it!” I protest. Roxy agrees with me but adds in something else;

“See, if you weren’t shagging that blonde kid, you wouldn’t have missed it.” Roxy smirks at her in a knowing way. She starts protesting weakly;

“No – I wasn’t – me and – we weren’t—”

“Relax Rosie, I’m just teasing you,” she says. I giggle but abruptly stop as it hurts my stomach because of Al’s extremely pointy shoulder.

“So, Al, are you going to let me down yet?” I ask, knowing the answer.

“Nope.” I huff. Never have brothers – they’re just mean to you and enjoy when you’re in pain.

“Oh that reminds me, Al, as if you would say as light as a tonne of feathers! That’s just plain dumb,” Rose says condescendingly.

“What why? Oh wait, I know why. Woops,” he says. He then thinks for a second which is never a good idea. “Wait, you said as sharp as a marble! Like that isn’t any dumber?!” He sounds proud of this fact. I want to smack myself in the head. Or better yet, smack Al in the head.

“That’s the point,” Rose sighs. I laugh.

“Rose, don’t worry about him. He’s just a stupid Slytherin,” I say. I glare at his back and poke him again.

“New insults, Lil,” James says, grinning goofily at me.

“Sorry, he’s just a dollop-head,” I correct myself.

“That’s not even an insult!” Al says at the same time Rose says happily, “Dollop-head? I like that one – I think I’ll use it.” I grin triumphantly.

“Okay, I’m bored with this,” Hugo says from where he’s sitting upside down on the lounge. “Can we do something?”

Al shrugs again and I elbow his back. “That hurts! How many times must I remind you?!” I say through gritted teeth.

“Al! Why is Lily on your shoulder?” Mum’s voice asks.

“Oh thank you, Mummy! I love you, I love you, I love you! You’re my favourite person!” I say, nearly crying from happiness.

She laughs but then asks Al the same question but more dangerously this time. Al doesn’t take any notice but lies, “Her feet were tired, I thought I’d carry her.” Al shrugs again and I slap his back.

“Don’t lie you evil little snake! See, this is why you were put in Slytherin!” James looks at me but I give him a glare before he can say anything.

“Lily, why is Al carrying you?” Mum sighs. I hear Dad laugh from beside her.

I explain, “Well he and James were tickling me and I was about to run away but then he picked me up and now he won’t put me down, the dollop-head.” I hear Al and James snigger. Prats.

“Lily don’t call your brother a – wait, what did you call him?” Dad asks perplexedly.

“A dollop-head.” I try to crane my neck around to grin at him, but it hurts too much.

Both Dad and Mum sigh at the same time – it’s freaky when they do that – and Mum says, “Al put your sister down.”

He starts to protest but Mum must have given him ‘the look’ and he finally puts me down. As soon as my feet are safe on the ground, I stretch out and say happily, “I’m free! Thanks Mum!” I bound over to her and give her a big hug. Mum is one of my best friends; I’ve always been super close to her. I absolutely love having her as my best friend.

I give Dad a hug and he pats my hair. He’s always had a fascination with it, I’ve no idea why. It’s exactly the same shade as Mums, all my uncles and most of his nephews and nieces.

“So did you get the job?” he asks excitedly. Of course that is the first thing he’s going to ask for. Not, how are you’ or ‘how is it living by yourself?’ It’s ‘do you have a job because that’s the most important thing in life’.

I feel my face crumple and I shake my head. Mum notices and wraps me in a hug. “There’s always other jobs, sweetheart. And they’re fools for not picking you.” I smile and hug her even more tightly. My mum is the best.

“I know, but I wanted that job,” I say not being entirely truthful. In reality, I want Mum and Dad to give me money forever and I’ll just live on Nutella.

Sadly, life doesn’t work that way.


Dad looks at me sympathetically and asks, “Do you want me to talk to the head of the department? Who is it by the way?”

I shake my head and resist the urge to roll my eyes. If something doesn’t go my way, he always tries to pull the whole ‘I’m Harry Potter and you do what I say’ thing. He only ever does it for me and although I am grateful, I do need to do things by myself. “No Dad, you don’t need to talk to him for me. I think his name was Cormac McLaggen or something weird like that,” I answer his second question.

“Cormac McLaggen? That guy was a wanker,” Uncle Ron says, coming up from behind Mum and Dad. He winks at me and I grin back at him. Aunt Hermione rolls her eyes at him.

“You’re just saying that because he liked Hermione,” Mum shoots at him.

Aunt Hermione blushes but she admits, “He was quite insufferable though.” She makes a face.

“Yeah, Ginny remember Quidditch?” Dad grins when Mum shudders with a look of disgust on her face.

“Okay, maybe he was a wanker,” Mum admits, “and now he’s an even bigger one because he didn’t let you have the job. I think I’ll send him a howler,” she says thoughtfully. Mum is the same as Dad, but she does it for all three of us, instead of only me. But I think Dad only helps me because I’m the only one that doesn’t know what to do in life. James and Al both knew straight away.

“Yes, Mum! Can you please?” James asks excitedly. Al nods eagerly. They love it when someone else gets in trouble. They always have. And even though they’re twenty-one and twenty, they still get a thrill from it. Last year Mum sent me a howler saying how I should have a good last year and she was only sending this to satisfy her two idiot sons.

Everyone would always bring it up around me. It embarrassed me at first, but then I realised that my mum is cooler than everyone else’s.

“No, Mum, you don’t need to send him a howler, if I ever want to apply there again, I have to stay quiet,” I assure her much to the disappointment of James and Al.

“Well, if McLaggen’s there, I really don’t want you working there anyway, Lily,” Dad says sternly and Uncle Ron agrees heartily. Aunt Hermione smacks him on the arm.

Mum rolls her eyes and places her hands on her hips. “Lily will work wherever she wants to and neither of you will say anything about it.” They both look down but don’t respond.

“What if she ends up working as a stripper?” Roxy interjects with that evil smirk she inherited from Uncle George.

Mum and I both give Roxy a look as Dad, James, Al and Uncle Ron all paled.

“Roxanne!” Aunt Hermione chides, but she’s holding back her own laughter, “Don’t say that.”

Roxy winks at Aunt Hermione, who can’t hold her laughter in anymore. She lets out a very unattractive snort and Rose says in horror, “Mum!”

“I can’t believe I just snorted.” Aunt Hermione claps a hand to her mouth and starts laughing again. Rose and I join in and I realise something. Even though I may have not gotten the job, my family will always be there to make me feel better.

“Glitter, I’m home,” I call out dumping my keys and bag on the small table by the door. I hear a thump and then some other noises that sound oddly like he was picking up a lot of things. “Glitter?” I repeat a little nervously.

“In a minute, Lillian,” he calls back, sounding muffled. What on earth is he doing?

I knock tentatively on the door. “Did you need any help?”

“No, no! Don’t worry, I’m fine!” he says hurriedly and I hear another thump and a swear word.

“Are you sure?” I ask, my eyebrows rising in concern.

The door swings open and he stands there looking distinctly ruffled. He has his shirt inside out and his usually styled hair is a big mess.

“Glitter, you have your shirt inside out,” I point out, trying not to laugh.

He blushes and hastily fixes it. “There. So, what needs do you require?” he asks, his eyes darting everywhere. I narrow my eyes suspiciously but he clearly doesn’t want to talk so I let it alone.

“I was wondering if you wanted to finish that croquembouche?” I ask hopefully. I smile lightly at him.

“Oh, of course! Let me just get into something more comfy.” He smiles at me but there is something missing.

“Seriously, is everything okay?” I ask. “Are you ill?” I place the back of my hand on his forehead. He is a bit warm but not warm enough to be considered ill. He moves away from me.

“Yeah, everything is fine, I just was surprised, I thought you were going to be out for ages.” He smiles even wider and I shrug, deciding to leave him be.

“Okay, sure, I’m just going to get in my pyjamas,” I say grinning at him.

“Isn’t it a little early for pyjamas?” he asks amusedly.

I give him a look. “It’s never too early for pyjamas.” Glitter shrugs and I walk to my room to get changed. I hear his door close softly. That’s surprising. Glitter never closes his door.

I shrug again and pull on my pyjamas with pygmy puffs decorating them. I want another pygmy puff, they’re absolutely adorable. Maybe I can get Uncle George to give me one for free; I mean, I am his goddaughter, so I should get discounts.

But if Uncle Ron still doesn’t get a discount, he might not give me one.

I walk out of my room to see Glitter ushering a very attractive guy out of his bedroom. They both look like cheeky children.

“Ah, is this why you were all jittery before?” I fold my arms trying to look stern, but my big grin gives me away.

He hangs his head. “Dammit. But yes, this is why. Lily, this is Drew. Drew this is my cousin, Lily.” He gestures to the both of us.

I hold my hand out. “Nice to meet you, I would say I’ve heard a lot about you, but…” I trail off and bite my lip to stop myself from bursting out in laughter.

He grabs my outstretched hand but drops it quickly. “Yeah, I could say the same…” He chuckles awkwardly and scratches the back of his head. I try to suppress my giggles. “I think I should get going now,” he says after a slight pause.

Glitter nods and leads him to the door. I wave at Drew and when Glitter closes the door, he groans loudly.

“Why didn’t you want me to know?” I ask, putting on my best hurt voice.

“Because I only met him last night, and we had unfinished business, still unfinished because of you,” he says pointedly, glaring at me.

“Woops,” I say, feeling a bit bad but not too bad. “But you little slut! One night? I thought you had standards, Glitter.” I shake my head in mock disproval.

“Don’t judge me, you prude!” He sticks his tongue out at me. “Shall we continue the croquembouche?”

I roll my eyes. “Of course! Do you even need to ask?” I scoff.

“I don’t, but it’s usually polite to ask,” he quips, pulling out the unfinished croquembouche.

I grin and start pulling out the ingredients for the rest of the croquembouche. “And I am not a prude by the way,” I say, “just because you’re a slut, doesn’t make me a prude.”

“Oh yeah?” he challenges, “When was the last time you had sex?” He smirks as I determinately keep my eyes away from him.

I concentrate on stirring the sugar and water when I answer carefully, “That’s none of your business.”

“Fine, I’ll bite. When was the last time you had a boyfriend?” He grins at me.

I bite my lip and say in a quiet voice, “I’ve never had a boyfriend.” It’s hard for me to admit. I’m eighteen and never even had a boyfriend.

“No way!” I jump at his loud voice. “Lily, you’re absolutely gorgeous! As if you haven’t had a boyfriend before! Have you kissed a guy?” he asks curiously.

“Yes, I’ve kissed a guy!” I’m not going to mention it was in a game of Truth and Dare when I was a fourth year. And that it was only a kiss on the cheek.

“Truth and Dare doesn’t count, Lily,” he says, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

“Fine. Other than that, no. I haven’t kissed a guy nor had a boyfriend,” I confess.

“So you’ve never had sex?” he gasps.

I blush and say, “Everything doesn’t revolve around sex, you know.”

“Yes it does,” he replies simply, “this is my new goal in life. To find you a man, you’re the most wonderful person I know Lily, you deserve to be happy.”

“I am happy!” I protest. “And anyway, my main focus is to find a job first.”

“Oh yeah! Okay, I’m going to write a list and we’ll check it off. Do you want to try and finish it by New Year?” he says, looking up from where he is making chocolate sauce.

“Depends on what the list is,” I say grabbing a bit more sugar and butter.

“Good point. After I’ve written it down, how about we try and work out when you have to finish the list?” he asks me.

I shrug as he runs off. I make a noise of annoyance and flick my wand at Glitter’s part of the job. He returns with a notepad and a pen. It took me a while to understand how to work a pen, but now that I’ve got the hang of it, I realise it’s actually much easier than a quill.

After I finish making the caramel, Glitter shows me his list. “Here you go, read this and I’ll wash up.” He thrusts the letter in my hand and fills the sink up with water.

THINGS I MUST GET LILY TO DO BY __________ (insert date here):

After I read the list, I ask Glitter, “What if I don’t want to lose my v-card?” It is a highly personal thing.

Without turning around, he says, “Lily, you’re eighteen years old. The only eighteen year old virgins are nuns in training.”

I roll my eyes and said, “Well, I don’t want to have sex with a guy that I just met, unlike some people,” I say pointedly. He splashes me with soapy water. “So I would probably wait three or four months, at least, and to actually meet the guy that would probably take seven years. So all up, the date I should finish this list would be in December 2034 or January 2035.”

He pouts. “Lily, don’t be such a killjoy.” He scrubs at a dirty plate.

“I’m sorry if I want to remain innocent for a bit longer,” I defend myself.

He rolls his eyes and says, “It’s not about losing your virginity, its more about the learning experiences. You know – learn to love and all that.”

“I know how to love,” I say defensively.

“You know how to love your family and friends, you need some experience in the other areas, otherwise the first guy that comes your way is bound to hurt you. I’m just looking out for you,” he says earnestly.

“Look, I’ve had some experience,” I say frustratedly.

“What experiences?” he asks curiously, looking up from the cup he’s washing.

“Well, I’ve fancied some of James and Al’s friends before, but they always let me down easy.” I shrug, feeling my cheeks redden as I remember the rejections.

“So you actually went up and asked them out?” he asks, disbelief evident in his voice.

I fidget. “Well, no, not exactly.” I start to play with the corner of the list. Fold up, fold down. Up, down.

“What happened then?” he asks.

“Al or James usually let it slip and then they would come to me and say that even though I’m nice, they would never go out with me because I was always the little sister of their best mate.” I look down and start doodling in the corner of my ‘list’.

“Okay, so at least we know, if you’re going to get rejected – which you should not because you are absolutely beautiful!” I blush even harder and Glitter winks at me. “We’ll know that you won’t moan and wail about how no one loves you. You understand that some people just can’t handle your awesomeness.”

“Ah, Glitter, you never fail to make me feel better.” I grin at him and he pretends to tip his hat towards me.

“What are friends for?” He grins.

“You aren’t my friend,” I tease and he rolls his eyes.

“I’m sorry, what are cousins for?” he corrects himself.

I grin at him and he pulls me into a hug. After a few seconds he pushes me off. “Okay, that’s enough human contact for a day.” He flicks some lint off of his shirt.

“Well if you hadn’t have been with Drew, you could hug me for longer,” I point out.

“Honey, your hugs could never compare with Drew’s. I mean for one: he’s a guy; two: he was shirtless; and three: he had abs. Oh wait, that’s four.” He grins cheekily.

I roll my eyes and finish the croquembouche. As soon as we (me) finish, he bounces up and down excitedly. “We can cross one thing off your list!”

He picks the list up and with an extravagant flick; he crosses off number one of the list.

“Next thing to do: EAT THE CROQUEMBOUCHE!” And on that dramatic note, he starts eating it.

“Com – on – Li’y,” he says with his mouth full.

I don’t need to be told twice.

Disclaimer: the insult "dollop-head" comes from the brilliant Merlin which is owned by BBC and is definitely not mine. The rest is all J. K. Rowling's.

Thanks for reading! :)