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Chapter 18: To Love or Not To Love?
AN: I do not own anything from Harry Potter.
Hermione lay cuddled up against Draco’s side, her head on his shoulder as she drew lazy circles across his chest with her fingers. They both laid there silent, caught up in their own thoughts. She might have appeared calm, cool and collected on the outside, but in the inside her mind was taking on an overload of emotions.
She just lost her virginity…sort of. To the Slytherins resident bad boy, her former enemy. Was everything going to be the same now, that they finally did the deed? We’re they going to just go back to normal, now that it’s over? Was it going to get better, maybe even evolve into something more? Or was he going to move on, now that he finally put his mark on her, there’s no need to continue to be nice to her? She thought this thing between them, was just going to be sex, something they both wanted, something that felt good, and the release her body had been screaming for, for the last few days now.
But what just happened between them was so much more, felt like so much more, at least to her anyway and it terrified her. She knew she cared for him, otherwise she would have never agreed to do what they just did now, but the emotions running through her now went far beyond caring.
Physically she wanted him, emotionally she craved him, and mentally she knew he could break her heart for good, if she wasn’t careful. Did he feel the same way? Probably not. Sure he cared about her and he knew this moment was a big thing for her, but to him she was probably just any other shag, another notch on his bedpost. It was definitely doing to be a memorable moment that she would never forget, but it wasn’t like she did anything spectacular that would have made it memorable for him.
She practically laid there and let him take control and do all the work, making her just one out of numerous other women he had slept with. Ugh, she hated this, why couldn’t she just turn her brain off and let herself bask in the glow from their love making…or sex, because that’s what it was, just sex.
Jeeze, now she’s probably going to act all awkward around him, or at least not be able to act normal any more.
Okay enough! She needed to stop moping about this, so what if it was just sex and he didn’t feel the same way about her which she might be feeling about him. The sex wasn’t bad; it was fantastic, mind blowing in fact. And there was no way she would be able to pass up another opportunity at a round two, three, and four and so on. Just as long as she reminded herself about the consequences beforehand, and made sure to guard her heart.
There was no way she’s going to screw this up early on, by bringing in feelings to the mix, even if they were one sided. Mainly for Crissy’s sake. She didn’t want to mess up their ‘friendly companionship and end up breaking up their family.
If it wasn’t for his fingers trailing up and down her spine, she would have thought he had fallen asleep.
He nuzzled her hair and as if reading her mind he said, “You’re not going to clam up on me now are you?”
She snorted, “I was thinking about it.” She told him then started giggling uncontrollably for no particular reason, of it was that or burst out crying…blasted hormones. “Sorry I don’t know what came over me just now.” She muttered once she managed to control her giggling.
“Do you regret what just happened?” he asked her sounding serious and if she wasn’t mistaken unsure.
She looked up so she could see his face. “No.” She whispered knowing she was telling him the truth, despite her mixed up emotions she didn’t regret it.
“Good.” He told her, not giving any kind of emotion away.
She suddenly felt unsure, did this mean that he regretted it, not only was it not exciting for him, but he regretted it ever happened?
She had to know the truth, “Do you?” she held her breath waiting for his answer.
He brought his hand up to her face and stroked his fingers down her cheek as he smiled down at her. “No.” He whispered.
She let out a sigh of relief. “Good.”
She sat up then and moved to her side of the bed, making sure the bed sheet covered her chest as she bent over the side searching for her shirt.
“Hey where are you going?” he asked her, trying to tug her back to his side.
“I’m hungry, I’m going to grab something to eat.” She told him as she got out of bed not bothering to put on her pants, which were flung somewhere on the other side of the room , and her shirt covered her all the way down to mid-thigh.
Then made her way to the kitchen, leaving Draco behind, naked in bed, sigh. Truthfully she was hungry, starving in fact, but she needed at least a minute to herself to think or…not think in this case. She went over to the refrigerator and pulled up the freezer to get out her special ice cream. Not bothering to turn on any light, since the moon was high in the sky and bright enough to light the room. Forgoing a bowl, she grabbed a clean spoon and started eating out of the carton.
She knew the second Draco walked into the kitchen without having to turn around. It was as if her body was completely attuned to him. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against him. Leaning down he kissed that sweet spot just below her ear.
“What’cha eating?” he mumbled against her skin.
“Ice cream.” She told him after swallowing a big bite and scooping out another, she started to lift the spoon to her lips, when he snatched it away and stole her bite. “No…” she tried to stop him before his lips closed over the spoon, but it was too late.
The look on his face was hilarious once the ice cream hit his taste buds. He quickly ran over to the sink and spat it out and rinsed his mouth out over and over again with water.
“Yuck, what the hell kind of ice cream is that?” he asked wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Pickle flavored.” She said trying not to giggle as she took another bite.
He grimaced. “Where on earth did you find pickle flavored ice cream?”
He shook his head. “Figures,” he muttered.
“In all fairness I did try to warn you before you stole a bite of it.”
“Well in the future remind me not to steal any bites of your food while you’re pregnant again.” He teased and grabbed an apple and bit into it.
Hermione walked over to the counter, making sure her t-shirt covered all the important bits as she hopped onto the counter letting her feet dangle over the edge.
Taking another bite of her ice cream she asked, “So this probably isn’t your normal scene is it?”
“Normal scene?” He asked looking confused.
“Having to stick around afterwards.”
“Stick around?” He asked still looking lost.
“Oh come on. It’s no secret that you’re a love’em leave’em kind of guy. You’re only a one night stand kind of guy, and you never sleep with the same girl twice, and you never stick around long enough for morning to come. You leave before anyone gets a chance to fall asleep.”
Draco smirked at her, throwing away the core of his apple in the trash, then leaned his hip against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “And where exactly did you hear all of that?” he asked quirking an eye brow at her.
She shrugged. “Girls talk.”
“Oh? And what prey tell do they say?”
“That you don’t do relationships, you might occasionally date, but only if promised to get sex at the end of the dates.”
Draco snorted. “And you believe that?”
“No, but I figured there must be some truth to it, because the girls wouldn’t all call you sex god for nothing.”
“Really girls call me a sex god?” he asked her in mock surprise.
She shoved at his shoulder. “Oh don’t you dare act surprised. You know perfectly well that they all call you that behind your back. “
“And do you call me that Hermione. Do you think I’m a sex god?”
She blushed slightly. “No I didn’t, but then again I wasn’t exactly mooning after you like a lovesick puppy. Unlike the rest of the female population at Hogwarts.”
“Exactly how many girls do you think I’ve actually slept with?” He crossed his arms over his chest again and looked at her.
“Honestly I don’t even want to think about it. But rumor has it that you’ve been working your way from house to house, starting with the 7th years and working your way down.”
He just stared at her the finally spoke. “And you believe that?” He whispered looking a little pissed.
“No or I don’t know.” She sighed trying not to make a big deal out of it, why did she even bring this up? “I mean I never really cared before.” Great now she was started to feel jealous of all the other girls he had slept with before her. And he was probably busy comparing her uh…lovemaking with all the other women right now.
“And now?” he asked quietly.
“Does it really matter?”
If she wasn’t mistaken she could have sworn she saw him wince at her response, as if her answer hurt him in some way. “No I guess not.” He sighed. “And despite whatever you’ve heard I’ll have you know it’s all been overly exaggerated. Because I haven’t nor will I ever work my way through the houses. And I have never had any kind of check list or ultimate goal with whom I slept with. And I probably haven’t even talked, let alone look at the girls who told you all of this.” He told her stepping in front of her.
“So you didn’t sleep with Toni Clark?” she asked him, ugh why was she doing this, she should just stop talking.
He grimaced. “Hufflepuff right? But that was like two years ago.”
“What about Heather Lange?”
“Are we really going to discuss every girl from my past?” he asked her clearly avoiding the question, but it didn’t escape her notice the slight wince after she mentioned the last girls name.
He set his hands on her knees and slowly pushed them apart so he could step between them. “Why don’t we go back to your first question.” He said taking the ice cream carton away from her and setting it in the sink.
Her pulse sped up. “Uh what was that again?”
“Whether or not I stick around afterwards.”
“Oh and uh do you?”
“No not really, or actually no, never. You were right about that. But it was mainly so I wouldn’t get caught.”
Not exactly the answer she wanted to hear, she would have rather heard something along the lines of he didn’t like them enough to stick around or whatever. “Once a bad boy, always a bad boy.” She teased softly trying to keep the tone light.
He rolled his eyes. “Anyway. I’m willing to break that habit.”
“Even though you’ve never slept with a girl more than once.”
He was about to say something else when she blurted. “You’re not just saying that because you’re stuck here with me in this place and you don’t really have any other choice? I mean of course you have a choice and you’re not stuck physically, I mean you can still go out and find other wom…”
He cut her off with a kiss. “Hermione I’m not looking for anyone else right now, I want to be here.” He said softly then smiled at her. “So what do you say, want to help me break my man whorish ways by being my first.”
She chuckled, deciding to go along with a much lighter tone of conversation. “And if I say no?”
He set his hands on either side of her hips. “Are you going to say no?” he asked her leaning in closer.
“No.” she whispered. “This is probably a really bad idea.” She muttered out loud.
“But it feels so good.” He whispered back before he kissed her.
Draco didn’t know what they hell he was doing. Hermione pretty much just described him to the T and his whole strategy when dealing with the opposite sex. No he didn’t do relationships, never even officially had a girlfriend…just dated casually, very casually. But the girls he spent time with usually knew that before getting involved with him. They all knew he was only looking for good time and that was it. And Hermione completely called him out on it; no one had ever done that before.
He didn’t make romantic gestures, never gave someone flowers or spent time with them just because he wanted to, and he never did anything like cuddle after a good shag. Less emotion involved the better. And she was completely right; he had never slept with the same girl twice. It’s not that he didn’t want to, but it was just easier so the girls didn’t get too attached and become clingy. Damn, that made him sound like a complete ass. And if he was honest, he never thought about any of that before or even cared about what the girls thought of him afterwards. He was selfish that way.
But hearing all of that come from Hermione and knowing that she knew of his ‘moves’, made him feel like a horrible person. And he didn’t want her to think he was a jerk, he didn’t want her to think badly of him. He was an idiot to think he could make a fresh clean start, and have her not know anything from his past, but here it is kicking him in the ass.
What got him the most was that really did care about what she thought of him and other things. He wanted to spend time with her just because, steal a kiss just because he could and felt like it, fall asleep holding her close and waking up the same way.
In fact he found out that he actually likes cuddling and really couldn’t get enough of it, or maybe it was just her. He liked the feel of her body next to his, her legs tangled up with his, her hand curled on top of his chest, with her head resting against his shoulder as the tip of her nose nuzzled against his throat. Yeah he liked cuddling a lot.
And the fact that he had no desire to revert back to his old ways kind of scared him a bit. She was different from all the other girls and that threw him for a loop. And he didn’t know what to do about it. He had no desire to seek out someone new or different because he already had his fill of Hermione Granger for one evening. Because the thing was, at least right now, he didn’t think he could ever get enough of her.
The next morning, she could feel Draco nuzzling the back of her neck, the arm draped over her stomach kept drawing lazy circles with his fingers. She felt so lazy and content that it took major effort to pry her eyes open.
“Are you awake?” He whispered against her neck.
“Mmm” was all she managed as she stretched out her arms in front of her and stretched out her sore muscles.
She rolled over so she ended up facing him. How was it that he looked amazing in the morning and she probably looked…well awful.
“Hi.” He smiled down at her.
“Hi.” She said back, having a strong desire to run to the loo and brush her teeth, wash her face, possibly add a bit of makeup and comb her hair…really anything to make her feel somewhat presentable and attractive.
He smiled again, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. That faint morning light streaming through the window, highlighting his face. The look in his eye as he looked at her made her almost forget that she probably resembled a troll.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked.
She nodded. “How about you?” she asked shyly.
Ugh why couldn’t just act normal around him. Most times she handled herself just fine. But when he looked at her like he’s doing now, her mind goes blank.
“Yep I slept great.” He nuzzled her cheek.
“What time do you have to be at practice?” she asked breathlessly as he moved back down kissing along the column of her neck.
“Not until nine.”
“And what time is it now?” she asked figuring that they should probably get up and out of bed since he had to get going and Crissy would be up soon.
She moaned and not because of what he was doing to her neck felt good. “It’s only 5:30 in the morning? And you couldn’t let me sleep for at least another hour.”
Even he had to be tired, since they both only had about three maybe four hours of sleep, in between making love. She still couldn’t believe he actually ended up talking her into having sex in the kitchen…the kitchen! For goodness sakes. She will never think of the countertops the same way again, fortunately it wasn’t a spot where they prepared food or anything like that. She felt herself blushing just thinking about it. Afterwards he carried her back to bed, where they ended up making love again before finally falling back to sleep.
“Do you want to go back to sleep?” he asked her.
Not really now that she knew or at least had a pretty good feeling of what he had in mind. “No I guess not.” She sighed dramatically.
“Good.” He kissed her and began to show her exactly why it was a good thing.
Hermione was sitting in the kitchen feeding Crissy breakfast when Draco walked into the room; the ends of his hair still wet from his or…um their shower. They were just trying to conserve water of course. He smiled at her as he walked to the refrigerator. She couldn’t help but blush at his attention. She should feel like a complete idiot, because since they’ve been here…not ever since they got partnered up in Candlewicks class, all she seemed to be doing lately is blush like an idiot every time he was in the room.
And now instead of feeling extreme dislike and annoyance around him. She felt giddy with nervous butterflies, extreme awareness that left goosebumps on her skin and a sense of happiness within that allowed her to be comfortable with herself. Something she never really had before with Ron and Harry, but with Draco it was different, better even. With Draco it felt a lot like love…and not the brotherly love she felt for Ron and Harry.
She watched him as he poured hot coffee into a mug. Did she love him, it was still way too soon to be sure, but yeah she did know that she was already in serious danger of falling…hard.
“So what are your plans for today?” Draco asked her turning around.
He caught her staring at him and she looked away before another blush could creep along her cheeks, “Uh, I don’t know. I was wanting to go visit Ginny since her doctor put her on bed rest she must be going mad just sitting around all day, not allowed to do anything.” She told him giving Crissy her last bite of yogurt.
Once it was gone she stood up and put the dirty dishes in the sink as well as get a wet towel to wipe off Crissy’s sticky face and fingers. Draco caught her by the waist as she started to pass him and spun her around until she faced him.
“Sounds fun.” He told her then kissed her.
“Shouldn’t you be on your way?” she mumbled against his lips.
“Didn’t we have this conversation yesterday?” he asked back.
“Well if you don’t leave soon, then you’ll be late. I’m pretty sure they give out detentions for being tardy to professional quidditch players, but I’m sure your coach would still appreciate it if you got to practice on time.”
“Nah, I think you’re just trying to get rid of me.” He teased not letting go of her waist.
She shrugged and smiled not giving an actual verbal answer.
He chuckled in response. “Alright, alright I’m going.” He stole one last kiss, this one deeper than the first. Resting his forehead against hers he said, “See you later tonight.” He whispered and smiled down at her, a smile full of promises, promises he intended to fulfill once he got back for practice when they were alone again.
He let go of her and stepped towards Crissy dropping a kiss on top of her curly head. “See you later Princess.”
“Don’t fall off your broom.” Hermione teased once she found her voice again.
Draco winked at her before apparating out of their kitchen. Once Draco was gone Hermione finally let her girl side take full rein. Giggling and doing a ridiculous little happy dance in the middle of the kitchen. Crissy just looked at her as if she had gone mad. And maybe she had, but at the moment she didn’t care. Because Merlin help her, she decided once and for all, she was in love with Draco Malfoy.
AN: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, for taking soooo long to update. I've just been really busy...which is no excuse, but that's the truth. Also I was having a bit of writers block...I knew what I wanted to write, but I just couldn't seem to put the chapter into words...very frustrating. Anyway here it is, and I'm sorry it's short. I know what I want to write about in the next couple chapters, so hopefully updating will come much sooner then this chapter took. Again I'm sorry it took so long, you all probably hate me, and I'm sorry. But again I promise I'm not going to abandon this story, I have every intention of finishing it. So for those who stuck with me waiting patiently, thank you!! And as always please keep reading and reviewing!!!