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Chapter 4: Ben Is Cute and I Am Dumb
Apparently I have admirers. WHAT. Yeah, that’s what I said. I didn’t realize that in all of my nonsense there were actual males besides Nanners that actually weren’t scared of me. I didn’t realize making mating calls while walking to transfiguration would actually work, but FUCK it sure did!
His name is Ben. He’s a Ravenclaw. Wears nerdy glasses, but is cute anyway. Super smart, almost is smart as me, wink wink nudge nudge. WHY AREN’T YOU WINKING?! Good. Never disobey me again or I swear to the Pants of Dumbledore I will set my fire-y wrath on your saggy behind! CURSES.
But, anyway, I was proud to know that not everyone thought I was mental. We even had a conversation. Haha. For real. It was fantastic in its own sort…kind of. It went a little something like this. CUE SCRIPT!
Alicia, super-hot model, enters scene.
Ben, nerdy-boy who has sassy pants enters scene.
Ben: Hi, you’re Alicia, right?
Alicia: Yepperoni, I sure am.
Ben: That was really funny what you did in Charms today. It made me laugh.
Alicia: You mean how I jumped on top of the desk and yelled ‘YOU WON’T FOOL ME THIS TIME PROFESSOR, I KNOW THAT FALCONS CAN’T SWIM’?
Ben: Precisely. You’re quite the character. I’ve been in a few of your classes and I must say, you make learning about silent charms much more entertaining than usual.
Alicia: Yeah, well I’ve had years of practice. My best friend has two younger brothers and that’s how I entertain them on car trips. They absolutely hate it, but it gets me through eight hours of driving.
Ben laughs. It’s pretty attractive.
Ben: So, you like annoying people then?
Alicia: No, I just like being myself.
Ben: That’s an admirable quality.
Alicia: Are you complimenting me?
Ben: Well, I wasn’t complimenting the wall now, was I?
Alicia: You’re one sassy fellow.
Alicia: So, what class do you have next?
Ben: A spare.
Alicia: I have potions.
Ben: No, I’m pretty sure you have a spare too.
Alicia: No, I’m pretty sure you’re mistaken.
Ben: Not if you skip and hang out with me.
Alicia: Is that an invitation?
Ben: Only if you accept it.
Ben: So, is that a yes?
Alicia: I have to go.
Alicia exits scene nervously and awkwardly.
Ben stands dumbfounded.
Alicia is stupid.
So, that’s basically how I screwed up my one chance of getting over the fact that Albus hates me, because I “tried to seduce him in a bush”. Notice how that’s in quotes. That means it NEVER BLOODY HAPPENED. Ben’s cool and I like him, but that’s the thing, when I like someone I become this nervous wreck. So, now, Ben thinks I’m a total wanker/freak/celery farmer. Yeah. Celery. Those who can’t farm, farm celery.
Now, I’m in potions, regretting my stupid actions while Nanners makes the stupid potion while Lydia gives me a stupid smirk that makes her look stupid. Can you tell that I’m angry? YOU CAN’T? Well, you’re a bloody idiot so I expected as much. Just kidding, I really do love you, but in a sibling way. Don’t get any ideas, you can look, but you can’t touch, you perv.
After school ended and my brain stopped being a cactus, I decided to hang out in the library with Robyn and Ol Kerfbag the Third. It was going completely fine until Robyn decided to pop the question.
“So, how’s the list going?” Robyn asked.
“Just swell. Perfectly swell. The swellest it could ever be.” I answered.
“You do realize swellest isn’t a word, right?” Kerfy said. Shut up, you stupid know-it-all hoe.
“She knows, Mike, she’s just lying to us, that’s all.” All-Knowing Robyn Goddess of the Underworld said.
“I’M NOT LYING. IT’S GOING FINE. PERFECTLY. AMAZINGLY. I’VE MADE SUBSTANTIAL PROGRESS AND I’M GOING TO RUB IT IN YOUR FACE. YEAH. I WILL. NOTHING WILL STOP ME FROM PREVAILING. NOT ALBUS BLOODY STUPID ASS POTTER, NOT LYDIA SHITHEAD FRANKLIN AND DEFINITLY NOT CUTE NERDY BEN WHO I SCARED OFF WITH MY FREAKINESS AND CHARM.”
“Whoa whoa whoa. Ben? Who’s that.”
I blew my cover. Crap. Time to start executing plan Escape-The-Country-And-Become-A-Travelling-Broomstick-Repairwoman. I’ll pack me bags, you get me a flight to Russia.
“Ben? Who’s that? I never said Ben. Not once. That name isn’t cute, it’s lame. Trust me, no Ben here.” I muttered. I’m so good at lying. Damn.
Kerfy decided, once again, to butt his stupid know-it-all brain into our conversation, “I don’t know you that well, Alicia, but even I know that when you are lying you splutter out nonsense like a hobo on heroin.”
“ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF DOING DRUGS?! I WANT A LAWYER!”
“Shut up, Alicia! Just tell me about Ben.” Robyn demanded. Shit. I have to give in to her ‘demand voice’. It’s quite influential, actually. Like the imperious curse, it controls you and you pretty much have to obey. I tried to defy her once and ended up turned into a mountain lion and dropped into a fifty-foot pit. Trust me, mountain lions hate being put in pits. It messes up their love life.
I decided to avoid the pit incident again and told her all about my great, but sadly, awkward conversation with mysterious Ravenclaw Ben. Robyn did this squeal thing that made a first year pee his pants. It was fucking hilarious. I almost cried and he ran away screaming “MY PAAAAAAANTS DON’T LOOOOOOK DON’T LOOOOOOK!” Oh, god, what would I do without these youngins?
“Awwwwww! Alicia! That’s amazing!”
“I told him I had to go and then walked away. How is that even remotely a good thing?”
“He’ll come back! Ravenclaw’s are smart.”
“Ravenclaws are practically birds, they’re idiots! He’ll run away and tell his little flock of Ravenclaws friends how freaky I am and they regurgitate their meal onto me like I’m their little baby.”
“Um, ew! No! You mark my word, sister, he’ll attempt what I like to call ‘Round 2’. MARK MY WORD.”
Oh, I’m marking them alright, with doubt, idiocy, and utter failure.
Last time I was told to ‘mark her word’, I got punched by a buff guy, got my nose broken, fixed it, got it broken again by a sassy bitch, got it fixed, spilt coffee on my pants, realized I have forgot to wear pants that day, got embarrassed, drank orange juice, puked on Harold Samuels, got detention for not wearing pants, ate a sandwich, and finally, got hit on the head with a broomstick. Yeah, I’ll mark them all right, Robyn, I’ll mark them.
A/N: I’d like to say that I don’t own the quote “Those who can’t farm, farm celery.” It’s belongs to the writers of The Office and is said by the character Dwight Schrute. I just thought it was really funny, random and very Alicia, so I threw it in for kicks.
Also, I'd like to say that on this day, July 27 2012, I have reached 230 reads! WHAAAAT?! Seriously, when I put this story up I expected like 2 reads, so thank you for reading!!!! I'd appreciate it if you guys chucked me a review, also! Even if it has some constructive criticism, I'd love it!
Ok, I promise I'll shut up soon, just one more thing!! I've created a Meet the Author thingy on the forums, so if you have any questions, send them to me on there!