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Chapter 5: Confession 4 - Of Forgivness, Sneaking Out And Heartbeats
Chapter image by naughtforreal @ TDA!
I woke up at two and then again at four, I just couldn't sleep as I had been thinking too much about the fact I was pregnant and then I had been thinking about my birthday. Mum's going to love me, I pretty much ignored what she had told me about using protection. And the proof that I was here: I was sixteen and pregnant.
I eventually fell back asleep and woke up at at a normal time: eight o'clock. I dragged myself out of bed, got some clean clothes and went and ran myself a bubble bath. By the time I got out it was nearly nine, had I really been in there that long, I thought. As came out the bathroom fully dressed I noticed that Kayl's bed was completely empty, Livi was sat up in her's reading a magazine. Cerys was still asleep as she was snoring lightly, Laura was painting her nails and Roxy was just leaving.
I sat down on the end of Livi's bed and was just about to ask her where Kayl was when she stumbled through the door.
"Oops, what's the time?" She asked.
"It's nine. Where have you been?" Livi asked as she started to use her mothering voice.
This was so unlike Kayl, she's been acting a bit weird, well more weird that usual. I think something might be going on but I'm not sure.
"I was with a boy." She blurted out. "I was helping him study last night and I ended up staying in his dorm as it was really late when we finished. Nothing happened though." She added as she saw the almost identical look's on mine and Livi's faces. "He's really nice."
"Who is he then?" Livi questioned her.
The smile on Kay's face dropped, "I can't tell you that. We've only been dating a while and we're not ready to come out to the world just yet."
I exchanged looks with Livi and we burst out laughing as did Laura who then said, "God Kay are you sure you don't swing the other way, what with the way you said that."
We started laughing again, Kayl smiled as she made her way to the bathroom. "Oh and Lil, Rose want's you to meet her in five minutes outside Barnabus." Kay called over her shoulder before shutting the door.
"Thanks." I replied to the closed door. "I best get going then." I left them to it. In the common room I passed Roxy who was talking to Hugo and Matthew 'Matt' Longbottom. You may recognise the name Longbottom, Matt's dad is uncle Neville aka the Herbology professor.
He's got short brown hair and brown eyes just like his dad, he's also one of Jake's best friends, the others being Hugo and Leo Madden, a tall blonde haired, blued eyed boy who's quite shy . I made my way to the tapestry of Barnabus and walked passed it three times thinking, 'I need the place where Rose is'. After my third turn the handle appeared and I pushed it open.
I had barely entered when I was nearly knocked off my feet by Rose who had hugged me. "Oh Lil, I'm so so sorry about yesterday. I meant what I said about supporting you whatever you choose." She gushed.
I looked around and saw that we we're in a large room complete with floor to ceiling bookcases packed with books, a kitchen area, a large red sofa and a load of multi coloured bean bags. In the right corner there was a pond with a waterfall, it looked pretty and sounded great except that the sound was making me want to pee. I'm guessing this is Rose's little haven. I chose to sit on the sofa and said "Thanks. Livi and Kayl both said the same thing."
"So when are you going to tell Jake?" Rose asked as she took a seat on a beanbag.
I actually have no clue, when or how to tell him. I mean do I just walk up to him and be like 'hey Jake, guess what I'm pregnant' or do I sit him down and tell him. I'm so confused as it is, I'll have to tell her something otherwise she'll keep on.
"Soon." I said.
I swear she rolled her eyes at me as she motioned to the door, "Come on let's go get some breakfast." And with that we left the room.
For the past month weeks my morning sickness has gotten a lot worse. Except it's not just in the morning's it's at break, between third and fourth lesson, lunch and then around six o'clock and nine o'clock. It's driving me up the wall, I think people have started thinking I have an overactive bladder or something because I seem to spend all of my time in a bathroom.
I still haven't told Jake and if my calculations are right I'm about nine or ten weeks. I can tell Jake's worried about me, he's even made Hugo question me. I can't put it off an longer, I know you have a scan at twelve weeks so I have to tell him within the next two weeks somehow.
After lunch I rushed to Myrtle's bathroom since it was the closet to throw up. Kayl and Livi were waiting outside so that we could make our way to charms. I felt awful and the last thing I wanted to do was sit in a stuffy class room making things fly around.
"Go on, "I told them, "Tell Flitwick I've gone to the hospital wing because I don't feel well." Reluctantly they left me and five minutes later I was on the way to my dorm.
Once inside I dropped my school bag, went and washed my face realising I looked so pale. As I brushed my teeth trying to get rid of the yucky taste I realised that I needed to speak to Bee. I grabbed my small bag from my trunk and put my wand, purse and a bottle of water inside.
The corridors were quiet and I tried not to make any noise as I walked towards the statue of the one eyed witch which is a secret passage to Hogsmeade. I made my way down the passage and after what felt like forever I came out in Honeydukes. I know most of the secret passageways in and out of Hogwarts thanks to the Marauder's Map, dad, uncle George, James and Fred.
I took my tie off and shoved it in my bag, I had on a white, black skirt, black jumper and black socks and shoes. Hopefully it doesn't look like I'm skiving school, maybe going to work since I'm dressed kind of smart.
I've never skived school before, the other's have. Mainly Fred and James and sometimes Dom but never me. I would have never done such a thing before now, but things have changed and so have I. There's now a small person in me.
I made my way towards the pharmacy not caring if anyone saw me and I tried to remember what day's Bee said she worked. I was silently praying as I entered the shop and I felt a sigh of relief when I saw Bee and her cheery smile behind the counter. "Shouldn't you be in class right now?" She asked in a jokey way, it didn't sound like she was going to turn me which was good.
I shrugged, "I was sick, so I went to my dorm to lie down and I realised I needed to speak to you. So here I am."
Bee smiled, "And what was it that you wanted to see me about?"
I looked around making sure it was just me and her and whispered, "The baby."
Bee nodded and locked the door as before and took me into the little room. "How can I help, is everything ok?"
I sat down and stated to babble away, "The sickness is driving me mad, I'm really tired. Only five people know and not one of them is the father. I don't have a clue how to tell him, he's really worried about me and I've been avoiding him a little. I don't know what to do about school, I mean will I be allowed to stay. I think I'm nine or ten week and I know you have the first scan around twelve weeks, I've not told Madame Pomfrey and too be honest I'm just totally and utterly confused."
Bee smiled, "The sickness can be help, I can prescribe you a potion. As for the tiredness try and rest as much as you can and go to bed earlier. And if you think your boyfriend's worried about you then sit him down and talk. He needs to know since he's the father."
I sighed, "Just wondering how did you tell you little one's dad?"
She sighed, "I didn't. He didn't know I was pregnant and he doesn't know that he has as a son right now either. We were best mates, there was a party and things happened. I found out at three months, I was scared out of my mind, probably the same way your feeling now." Bee told me, "I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I didn't tell him or my parents or even my friends. I kept it to myself because I thought that if no one knew then it couldn't be real. Except it became very real when I went into labour two months early."
"I want him to know, I just don't know how to tell him. I was thinking of showing him one of the pregnancy tests that I bought here."
"Just do what you feel is best Lily. As for telling Madame Pomfrey, I'll come up with you and explain if you like after I've finished work. She'll be able to do a scan, a checkup and tell you how far you are."
"Thanks, I appreciate it." I replied as Bee got up and picked up a few leaflets from behind her.
"Here," She handed them to me, "Have a look through these, I'm going to be about ten minutes. You can wait here if you like."
I nodded and she smiled. I swear Bee is really familiar to me, I swear on Merlin's life that I've seen her before. She left me alone and I looked at the leaflets, they included Choosing Abortion, Choosing Adoption and Keeping Baby as well as one with advice about being a first time mum. I totally ignored the abortion one and only partially flicked through the adoption one.
I was reading the leaflet about Keeping baby when Bee came back in and said she had finished her shift as Nancy had come to take over. We walked through Hogsmeade, neither of us saying much until we reached the Hogwarts gates.
"How did you get out of school, without anyone seeing you?" Bee asked me.
"I, um. I used a secret passageway." I told her feeling slightly guilty.
Bee smiled at me, "The one that goes into Honeydukes, I'm guessing."
"Yeah. How did you know?" Only the Potter-Weasley clan and a few of our close friends know about the Marauders Map and the Invisibility cloak.
"I knew your brother James." She explained, "And your cousin Fred, they were in my year when I was at Hogwarts. You might have seen me at your birthday party."
So that's where I recognised her from, she has smiled at me when myself and Jake had walked passed. She was on a white dress and had been talking to James. Shit. If she knew James, would she tell him that I was pregnant. He'll go mad.
"I thought I recognised you from somewhere. You have to promise me that you won't tell James. Promise."
"Lily I wouldn't dream of it. Patient confidentiality and all that, either way I wouldn't tell him Lily."
As we carried on up the driveway she told me about her son Codie and how she managed in her sixth year and that she never sat her N.E.W.T's.. The castle was pretty quiet as we walked through it, our footsteps echoing around us. When we reached the first floor where the hospital wing is Bee walked right through the empty ward and knocked on the matron's office door. Madame Pomfrey answered looking quite surprised at the sight of me and Bee.
"And to what do I owe this pleasure Beatrice. I hope you and Codie are both well?"
"We're both great." Bee replied, " Is it possible for us to talk in private?"
Madame Pomfrey nodded and ushered us in, closing the door behind her. This Madame Pomfrey isn't the same one that was here in my parents day, this is her niece Cassandra 'Cassy' Pomfrey. She's really nice and has a special bed reserved for us Potter-Weasley kids because we always seem to end up in here with Quidditch related injuries or just general injuries/illnesses. Cassy isn't that old, I'd say she's in her early thirties and she's a lot nicer than old Madame Weston who was really nasty, I have to say I was glad that she retired in my second year.
I took a seat as did Bee who spoke first, "Cassy, you know when I was here I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone. Well Lily here is pregnant and she thinks she's about ten weeks."
"Madame Pomfrey nodded and looked straight at me, "Have you confirmed this with a test?"
I nodded, "Two muggle and one wizarding."
"I see, do you think you can tell me the date you conceived?"
"March Second," I said blushing.
"And when was your last period?" Madame Pomfrey asked.
"I'm not really sure. I normally write it down and I've been really busy what with my O.W.L's coming up and I'm not usually on the same time each month so I really don't know." I blushed again and felt my cheeks get hotter, it was slightly weird talking about these things with people older than me, even if they were both women.
"Well Miss Potter, if you follow me I can do a routine checkup and check how far along you are."
She got up and opened the door, myself and Bee followed her over to the nearest bed, She moved the screens so that they surrounded the bed. I was glad because if someone walked in they wouldn't be able to see me.
"If you could hop onto the bed and lie down. And could you lift your shirt up please. I shall be back now."
I did as she asked and jumped on the bed, I rolled my shirt up so that my stomach poked out. Since last month I swear my stomach has definitely got bigger. I turned to Bee and whispered, "Will you stay please."
"Of course." She said offering her hand to me.
I mouthed "Thanks." and squeezed her hand as Madame Pomfrey came back, "First of all I'm going to say some special spells to definitely confirm your pregnant and then I will located the baby's heartbeat."
She got out her wand and started to move over my stomach, I then watched as it moved to a certain spot and hovered there. "Would you like to hear baby's heartbeat?" She asked. I nodded and she gently tapped the point on my stomach that her wand was hovering over. The room was then filled with a fast rhythmic beating, so much faster than my own. I could here it, my baby's heartbeat, it was completely amazing.
"It's amazing." I whispered.
"You're just gone ten week Miss Potter, you and baby both seem fine."
I smiled, I honestly can't believe this. There is a little person with a heartbeat inside of me. Me: Lily Potter has a little person inside her. It was only when Madame Pomfrey spoke again that I lost my train of thought.
"You can roll your shirt down now. If you would like to come back into my office." I did what she said and followed her back in along with Bee. "I wish for you to come back in two weeks so that I can do your first scan. I'm going to give you some pre-natal vitamins and you are to take one a day. I'm glad you came to see me, you're not on your own you know. You're most definitely not the first and you won't be the last either." She glanced towards Bee who blushed and then turned her attention back to me. "Does the father know yet?"
"Well I was planning on telling him in the next two weeks, but I don't know how to."
"I'm sure you'll find a way, but he needs to know. As does the headmistress, I have to inform her of your condition. I'm not going to rush you but your parents need to know as do the father's."
We left the office and back down the empty ward, "Thanks Madame Pomfrey." I said at the doors.
"Just doing my job and please call me Cassy, everyone else does. I'll see you two weeks, how does Saturday the twenty-fifth at eleven o'clock sound?"
"Goodbye girls and take care." Cassy called as she closed the doors behind us.
Bee insisted on walking me up to the Gryffindor common room as she wanted to see if the castle had changed since she was last here. "How come you never came back?" I asked as we stood outside the portrait hole.
"I just couldn't leave Codie with my parents and I didn't want to see his father." She replied as the fat lady came into view.
"Password?" Came her posh voice once I was in front of her.
"Pygmy Puffs." I replied and she swung open. "Thanks for coming with me Bee, it means a lot."
I watched as she got out a piece of parchment and a pen out of her bag, "No problem and if you ever need to contact me either send an owl to this address, ring me or come see me in Hogsmeade." She handed me the paper which had an address and two numbers on, I frowned, "The first is my mobile and the second is my house phone."
"Are you going to stand there all day and gossip?" Came an irritable voice.
"Take care Lily." Bee said as she pulled me into a hug.
I watched as she walked back down the corridor and enter the common room quickly. It was empty since people were all in lessons, taking advantage of the quietness I decided to go and take a tap. I headed into my dorm and led fully clothed on my bed, my thoughts were of my baby's heartbeat and I fell asleep.
I awoke to a lot of noise, I looked towards my clock and saw that it was seven o'clock. Great I've slept from two this afternoon and I've missed both lunch and dinner. My stomach grumbled and groaned, causing me to realise how hungry I really was and that I really wanted ice-cream. I got changed into leggings and a long top before I left the dorm and entered the common room to find all of my cousins minus Molly, Dom (thank god, I still haven't spoken to her since she suggested I get an abortion), Louis, Lucy and my brother Al. But on the upside Jake, Scorpius, Livi, Kayl, Leo, Matt, Jamie, Bethany and Maisie were all here as well as some of the younger and older Gryffindor's.
I was kinda confused as why they were all here, considering half of them aren't even Gryffindor's.
"Awake then." Jake said to me as I went over and sat on his lap. "I heard you weren't feeling very well earlier, so we're all here to cheer you up."
I groaned silently but said "Thanks." As I hugged him.
My stomach growled and groaned again and I felt really hungry, "I need to and get some food, I'm starving." I looked over to Rose who was sat on Scorpius' lap playing with his blonde hair, Livi who was sat in one of the chairs reading Witch Weekly and Kayl who was on the floor leaning against the sofa painting her nails, hoping that one of them would pick up the hint. Eventually Rose did who nudged Livi.
"We'll come along. I fancy a walk. You coming Kay?" Livi said.
"I think I've left my potions essay in the library." Kayl said absently as she screwed her nail polish bottle up and put it in her pocket as she stood up. "I think I'm going to get it." She added before leaving without a backwards glance, blowing on her nails as went.
Well that was strange, "What was that about?" I asked no one in particular.
Most of them shrugged but it was Rose and Dom's friend Maisie who answered tucking her blonde hair behind her ear as she said, "She's been acting strange lately and I've seen her in empty classrooms talking to herself, she seems to be alone but the way she speaks makes me feel like there's someone else in the room."
I like Maisie, she can be pretty shy and never tries to be the center of attention unlike some people, (cough*Dom*cough) and she's really nice. Maisie's normally pretty quiet and with her blonder hair, blue eyes and the fact she looks like a china doll, boys are always drooling after her. Her beauty is something that can rival Dom's and she's like an eight veela or something.
"Right let's get you some food." Livi announced as she stood up abruptly and my stomach growled again.
"I think I better be off as well." Al said, "You coming boys?" He added to Scorp and Jamie who both shook their heads.
"Can't be arsed to move." Was Jamie's reply.
Al shrugged, "Fine. I'm off to the Quidditch pitch to practice."
I looked at him, is he mad? "Al it's probably half seven now, at night and you want to go play Quidditch right now. I swear mum dropped you on your head as a baby."
He pulled a face at me and pushed past leaving the common room, it was either him or James who got dropped and right now I swear it was Al because he is not making any sense. Myself, Livi and Rose then left talking about how Kay was being weird as was Al.
Once we were outside the kitchen's entrance Rose reached out and tickled the pear which opened wide allowing us to enter. The kitchens were a huge room, similar to the great hall complete with four identical tables in the same places.
Livi gasped, "Wow!"
A small house elf who was wearing a black skirt and pink blouse came over, I noticed she had huge blue eyes and asked how she could help. Auntie Hermione and her S.P.E.W campaign have done a lot of good and now more of the Hogwarts house elves are doing a Dobby, bless his socks and are wearing clothes instead of a rag and accepting wages and the odd holiday.
"A bowl of mint chocolate chip ice-cream, a bowl of chips and some cherryade, please." I asked and the little elf scurried away to get them.
Rose gave me a look that said 'weirdo' whilst Livi was fascinated by the elves. "And they've always been here, like always. How come some have clothes and other have snot coloured rags on?" She babbled on.
"Liv Shh, they've always been here as far as I know and some have clothes because they're the one's my mum has helped and the others didn't want to know." Rose answered.
I thanked the elf that had served us and we left, "I need to talk to you." I told them as soon as we were outside the kitchen's. I walked on ahead of the other two who were talking about some romance novel that Rose was reading. Once I was outside the room of requirement and walked three times in front of old Barnabus thinking 'I need a comfy place to talk'. Once a handle appeared I let myself in, it was a small room with lots of comfy chairs and a large bookshelf.
I took a seat and started eating my chips, every now and again I dipped one in my ice-cream and it tasted so good. Rose and Livi were both in the corner by the bookshelf whispering to each other before each pulling a book out and sitting down. I finished eating and took a swig of my cherryade before calling them over, "Can I remind you, we came here to talk not to read." I said loudly causing them to jump a little.
Livi put the book back where as Rose brought her's with her.
"When I said I was going to the hospital wing earlier I lied. I went to my dorm and realised I needed to speek to Bee. I took the tunnel and went into Hogsmeade to see her, Bee gave me some leaflets and then came back up to the castle with me. I saw Madame Pomfrey who confirmed my pregnancy, I heart the baby's heartbeat which was amazing. I'm ten weeks so I have to go back on the twenty-fifth for my twelve week scan and she's going to set up a meeting with Mcgonagall sometime this month."
Livi looked kinda confused, "Who's Bee?"
Before I could answer Rose jumped in, "She's works in the pharmacy in Hogsmeade, she was in Hogwarts with James and Fred and she now has a son."
Livi nodded and then said "But ten weeks Lil, blimey."
I laughed, "I know and the heartbeat was so amazing, it kinda made it seem more real because I could actually hear it. There's actually another person inside of me."
Rose gave me a hug and whispered, "I bet it was so amazing Lil, treasure that moment forever."
I gave her a small smile in return and felt a pang of guilt, Rose never got to hear her little one's heart beat. She never got a first scan and she never saw her baby. That must have be so horrible for her. Pulling myself together and hoping I wasn't going to burst into tears I told them my plan on how I was going to tell Jake, but I'd need their help.
Once they had both agreed to help I stood up, "Come on we better get back to the other's or they'll start thinking that Myrtle's kidnapped us or something." I picked up my cherryade and made to follow Livi out when I noticed Rose still had the book in her hand. Typical.