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Cherry-Lou and the inbred angst. by Siriusly3
Chapter 1: Meet Cherry-Lou: The perfect day.
Cherry-Lou was beautiful, her silky, Pantene hair cascaded down her back in chocolate brown curls and it caught and reflected the light at every angle, dazzling those who looked too closely. It always smelled like sun riped raspberries, even after a Quidditch match, she never had a hair out of place.
Legend has it that her sweat smells like Chanel perfume and has hairspraying abilities. Her eyes were a piercing, playful sapphire blue and sparkled like diamonds in strong sunlight. Her face was perfectly symetrical and in proportion, except for the tiny heart shape freckle on her upper lip and the tiny scar on her ankle she was flawless.
She was the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts, she ate four times as much as everyone else and yet her miraculously high metabolism kept her as thin as rake with curves in all the right places. Even Dumbledore, a registered homosexual who was ten times her age and dead, was breathless by the sight of her. If only she would believe how beautiful she was,
“You’re really beautiful Cherry-Lou!” exclaimed Rose, her best friend forever.
“No, you’re really beautiful!” cried Cherry-Lou, always so modest and kind. Rose was an average looking girl with frizzy red hair, Cherry-Lou thought she was beautiful but compared to Cherry-Lou’s own radiance and luminousity, it was nothing. Cherry-Lou was also a very witty and sarcastic girl, who laid irony down with a shovel.
“Let’s go for breakfast,” she said, wittily.
Rose laughed happily and quickly threw some fashionable clothes on, because robes are for uglies, she then began to pile on her makeup. Cherry-Lou didn’t need makeup, her skins luminousity spoke for itself and her eyes were already framed with long dark curling lashes that were known to cause men and lesbians to faint when she fluttered them.
Yes, Cherry-Lou was perfect, but she had such a troubled past. She liked to keep this a secret because she didn’t want people to pity her. She lived with foster parents who were verbally abusive, she knew who her real parents were but she could never say,
“Cherry-Lou, who are your real parents?” asked the untactful Rose, but Cherry-Lou didn’t mind, she simply replied calmly,
“Oh, I can’t say,”
The two most popular girls in Hogwarts sashayed down the corridor and in no time at all they reached the Great Hall, the ceiling today was as blue as an ocean, as blue as Cherry-Lou’s eyes, and there was not a cloud in sight. Birds tweeted audibly and owls swooped through the Hall. There were letters for everyone but Cherry-Lou, who pretended not to notice and daintly ate a full English breakfast, four slices of toast and jam, a bowl of cornflakes and ten croissants.
“Wow, I like girls that can eat a lot and stay thin!” exclaimed Albus Potter, the coolest guy in her year.
“Shut up Albus Severus, you’re gay in this,” said Rose bitterly, Albus hit himself over the head and muttered darkly, stay in character, stay in character, like a mantra.
“Wow, I like girls that can eat a lot and stay thin!” exclaimed Fred Weasley, the coolest guy in her year,
“Oh thank you, Fred. But I’m so fat,” said Cherry-Lou, ironically, “Check out Rosie, she’s lost two pounds on WeightWitches!” Rose blushed furiously and smiled at Cherry-Lou.
“No post today, Cherry-Poo?” asked her worst enemy, evil Sally Slytherin, sashaying up to the Gryffindor table, full of brave and loyal good people.
Rose shot her a sarcastic, witty look and Albus stuck out his leg to trip her up,
“ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER, STAY IN CHARACTER,” yelled Rose, turning as red as her hair.
Fred stuck out his leg to trip up Sally who fell and was totally embarassed,
“Ha, you’re totally embarassed!” said Rose ironically.
Cherry-Lou helped up Sally Slytherin kindly, because underneath all her sarcastics she was a wholly good person.
The doors swung open, everyone held their breathas a boy walked in. He had messy ruffled dark hair and dazzling green eyes, for a second Cherry-Lou was certain it was Harry Potter without the geeky glasses and facial disfigurement, but this guy was ten times smarter, handsomer, funnier and cooler than Harry Potter.
The world turned to slow motion as he strode in, kicking a Slytherin first year as he swaggered. Cherry-Lou swooned, he was even good at football.
He sat down next to her and her flawless skin crackled with electricity, or static from his hair, whichever. Several girls swooned and a Hufflepuff screamed,
“I LOVE YOU,” from across the hall,
“Ladies,” said James Potter calmly, straightening his tie on his designer suit, because robes are for uglies. The only girl not affected was Rose Weasley, who simply slapped§§ him and said
“Change out of that suit, we have Quidditch match this morning, douchebag. Then a Hogsmeade trip, then the Yule Ball, then a party in the Room of Requirement!”
Albus opened his mouth and began to say, “But we have lesso-”
Rose cut him off by pinching him and giving him a stay in character look. Cherry-Lou was still lusting after James Sirius Potter, who lived up to being named after the two hottest people in all of history.
Later on, after they had beaten Slytherin 1,000,000- nil at Quidditch and Cherry-Lou had caught the snitch and scored all the goals, they violently beat up the losing team and locked them in with Moaning Myrtle, as is tradition.
They then went on to Hogsmeade to drink Firewhiskey underage at The Three Broomsticks and then to the Yule Ball to dance and stress about their dates. James Potter had pulled a number of hilarious pranks that the teachers ignored fondly.
However James Potter did not ask Cherry-Lou to the ball or to Hogsmeade, she despaired quietly and arrived early for the party, looking stunning in a just-slutty-enough outfit that highlighted all her best features, which was everything.
Albus had tried argue that no one had told they where the Room was, so it was utterly improbable that they should party there, but Rose had simply thrown an axe at him and he’d shut up.
The party was great, they drank Firewhiskey and clubbed Slytherins like seals, danced and many people coupled off to have underage sex and become teenage pregnant, especially Rose and Scorpius, but Cherry-Lou didn’t notice. She had kissed every guy there and James hadn’t noticed. She had a new plan. She walked up to him nervously,
“James Sirius Potter, I love you!” she cried heartfeltly,
“I love you too!” he cried, and pushed away the girl he’d been kissing to kiss Cherry-Lou. Time slowed down again and everyone applauded even Hermione Granger who had just appeared, dishevelled, from a broom closet,
“AUNT HERMIONE” cried the majority of people in the room, Cherry-Lou looked wary and did her piercing gaze at Hermione who cried,
“I AM YOUR MOTHER,” at Cherry-Lou. Everyone was shocked, except Cherry-Lou who wittily and ironically embraced her long lost mother.
“Then who is my father? Is it Ron?” she asked aghast and full of inbred angst.
“No, alas, it is Draco Malfoy!” everyone gasped and Jeremy Kyle (who had just appeared from the same broom closet) shouted,
"That's a FACT,"
Draco Malfoy appeared from the broom closet and hugged his long lost daughter. Cherry-Lou looked witty and sarcastic and beautiful.
James was in a corner of the room,vomiting violently and scrubbing his mouth out with soap. Cherry-Lou found him and cried,
“James, I still love you!”
“I still love you but I’m full of inbred angst!”
“It’s okay, we’re technically not related!” cried Cherry-Lou wittily and sarcastically.
They kissed again and everyone, even the newly impregnanted Rose, her mother, the father of her child and his father clapped and beamed.
It really was a perfect day.