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Chapter 18: The One Where Scorpius Is A Sad Panda
Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter.
Authors Note: Hi. How are you all? Sorry this chapter has taken a bit of time, been very busy with college for a couple of weeks then it seemed to take ages to write once I had started the chapter. Easter holidays are coming up soon though! Thanks for all your support though, it means a lot.
Comments and opinions are welcomed! Also, got a new pretty banner, tell me what you think! Please keep reviews 12+ otherwise they'll be deleted. And this chapter has bad language in it, don't read if offended.
Sorry for any mistakes, this chapter has not been beta’ed.
Also it’s 4am but I really wanted to post this so I’ll fix typos in the morning.
Chapter Eighteen –
The One Where Scorpius Is A Sad Panda
“How dare you say that to him?” I yelled furiously as my temper got the better of me. “Who the hell do you think you are?” The boy had his back pressed against the wall as I ganged up on him with my wand held to his throat. I didn’t know his name nor did I give a crap on what it was.
“Pippa.” Scorpius gripped my shoulder. “Calm down.” He pleaded with me but I refused to listen. This boy had pissed me off and I needed to punish them.
“I will not calm down.” I yelled at him as Scorpius flinched. “He just called you Death Eater offspring scum.” The boy glared at me trying to challenge me. I eyed my wand, daring him to push me even further. The boy instantly looked to the floor. “Then he ranted about your family, my family and no one talks shit about our family.”
“I’m used to it.” Scorpius shrugged sadly but this only made my anger rise. No one was allowed to put him down. He didn’t deserve it. “It’s no big deal, just another person that can’t let go of the past.” He looked at me with those wide innocent grey eyes and something inside me calmed but I still refused to drop my wand. Scorpius didn’t like seeing me like this.
I had been so angry at everything lately that it only took one little thing to set me off. I didn’t understand why I was feeling so angry towards life nor did I understand why I was protecting Scorpius. I still didn’t give a damn about the boy but I couldn’t just stand there and watch the injustice that was happening. It may be true that Scorpius was the offspring of a Death Eater, but he wasn’t scum. Scorpius couldn’t even hurt a fly. We once had to have a funeral for a ladybug because Scorpius stepped on it and felt really bad. Scorpius sang a song about seashells and I was made to give a speech. Damien was made to do a dance so I think I got off lightly to be honest. Maybe it was because they had not only insulted Scorpius, they had insulted my family and I wasn’t taking that. The things they said were sort of true but I didn’t want to be punished for my families Death Eater connections. I had plenty of my own mistakes to be punished for; I’d be damned before I started taking hell for other peoples. I was just a carousel of emotions spinning most recklessly.
Scorpius wanted me to back off so I slowly relented. I stepped away but my wand didn’t drop. I didn’t want the boy to think I was soft and they could do this again. I would never grow soft. Soft wasn’t in my nature even though I looked gentle. It’s always said that appearances could be deceiving.
“You say anything about my family again and I’ll hex you.” I warned before leaning in closer. “And remember, I know all the best bad ones.” I whispered. I didn’t really but this boy never had to know that. “Now go.” I ordered as my wand dropped to my side. “Remember, next time I won’t be as nice.” The boy scowled at me before storming off quickly.
"What the hell was that Pippa?” Scorpius asked as he linked my arm. I cringed but I couldn’t find the energy to fight him off. “I mean, usually you look harmless but you looked seriously scary then.” He pouted. “I think I’m going to have nightmares about it later.” He clung tightly to me, almost as if he was afraid of something.
Scorpius had become my shadow ever since his fall out with Albus a week ago. He was needier than ever, something had shaken him. In his eyes, Albus had betrayed him somewhat. Albus may hate me, but Scorpius loved me, so Albus should have attempted to save me for Scorpius. The fact that he did nothing hurt Scorpius and it showed. Scorpius was sad lately and I didn’t know what to do to make him be normal again, I wasn’t a fan of this Scorpius. I was too used to Scorpius being everyone’s sunshine. Scorpius changing petrified me more than anything because he was the only truly stable thing in my life. He had never let me down, shocked me nor had he ever betrayed me. There was something I was sure that Cassie was keeping from me and Damien’s recent betrayed still cut deep. I used to think I was content in my loneliness that resided deep within me but now I wasn’t so sure. I started to wonder when I stopped being so independent but I was sure I hid it well, after all the only thing that is worse than being lonely, is other people knowing that you are.
Everything I had ever experienced, Scorpius was always near, refusing to leave my side even though I kept on pushing him away with everything I had. I hoped that if I pushed him away enough, he wouldn’t come back but I always knew that if I wanted him, he would turn up with that smile that refused to dampen. He was there when breathing stopped feeling involuntary and when smiling became a stranger to me. I was a skeleton that bled through its bones. He never rejected me, despite seeing my ugly true colours many times.
I trusted him despite trying not too.
And that scared me far too much.
The worried feeling towards Scorpius mental state wouldn’t let up. I didn’t know why I was feeling this. I hadn’t made Scorpius stop talking to Albus, even though I was sort of the reason he wasn’t but I hadn’t done it personally, it was Scorpius choice to get mad at Albus’ mistake but something kept my stomach tied in knots.
Scorpius looked at me; there was still that sparkle his eyes that I had never found in anyone else’s. He was about to say something but I quickly cut him off.
“So,” I started, “How are things with you and Harper?”
“She wrote me a poem yesterday.” He smiled at me. “It mentioned fish and birds…she didn’t know I was afraid of birds.” Scorpius once started hyperventilating because a pigeon wouldn’t stop looking at him. It had evil eyes apparently and it was plotting his downfall. “I loved it though.” He grinned happily.
“That’s…” I felt like vomiting. “…sweet.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Scorpius hummed a happy tune to himself. “I really like her, that’s okay right? Am I supposed to love her by now?” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“All relationships are different; there is no need to rush these things.” I told him. “You still have your whole ahead of you; you don’t have to marry the first person you date.” I still wished I had that possibility.
Scorpius smiled warmly at me and I felt like smiling back at him, but I stopped myself. I wasn’t ready to surrender to him yet. Smiling would make him think I cared. It would reveal that he had my trust and I never wanted to admit that. I didn’t even want to think about it, I trusted him but I still would tell him nothing. I was just waiting for a reason to not to trust Scorpius, but Scorpius never gave me one. I knew that I should trust no one and I cursed myself for being so weak.
"This stuff scares me a little.” He admitted. “It’s even worse than my fear of bees and you know if I had a choice between a dragon and a bee, I’d choose the dragon every time.”
“But bees are tiny, couldn’t you could squish it really easily?” I raised my eyebrow.
“That’s murder Pippa! All animals should be respected.” Scorpius scolded me and I just shook my head. For an animal lover, Scorpius was scared of a lot of them but he wouldn’t even hurt an ant. “I mean, a lot of them are pretty defenseless and-“ I cut him off because I knew that Scorpius’ ramblings could last for hours.
“-I get it,” I interrupted. “Don’t hurt the poor little animals.” I poked him the forehead and he just stuck his tongue out at me. Both of us are the epitome of mature but I always enjoyed the moments of nothingness where thoughts weren’t dragging me down.
“Speaking of animals,” Scorpius said looking at me. “I feel like a very sad panda, like a panda that has no one to cuddle and no bamboo sticks to eat.” Scorpius admitted and I felt sick. He was because of me. Mostly Albus but I knew I wasn’t innocent. I never was.
“You miss Albus?” I sighed and he nodded.
Scorpius grew attached to people too easily. He loved too much, he cared too much and this made him too open to be hurt. Scorpius never gave up; he would try again and again even when it seems all hope was lost. He would get shoved to the floor and pick himself up straight away.
Scorpius believed in the good in people. He loved them, despite their flaws.
I didn’t understand his friendship with Albus. I didn’t understand how such a messed up individual was able to continue a friendship with someone so pure, but that may just be my prejudiced talking. I often wondered why Scorpius bothered, but Scorpius would put up with anything from someone he loved. He was a pushover. He would back down in arguments and grovel, even when he was right. He would never say anything back arguments, he’d take it all, I asked him once why he did that, he told me that people say horrible things when they’re angry and you can never take them back. You can never make the other person forget what you said and you would never know how much those angry words tormented someone you loved. I knew that words people had told me in the heat of the moment played on my mind and probably would do for a long time. Scorpius never wanted to do this to someone. Sometimes words are not enough, sometimes they’re too much.
I remember a six year old Scorpius, sitting at the top of the stairs and listening to the argument of his parents. He was in tears. He didn’t have anything to worry about; his parents loved each other, but every once in a while, they hit a rough patch like most long-term couples do. Arguments were too scary for him, people said stuff they didn’t mean and too many arguments were the kiss of death.
“Why don’t you talk to him then?” I suggested, even though I didn’t want too. “I mean, I’m sure he misses you too.” That was a little white lie. I wasn’t sure, not at all. I wasn’t even sure that Albus had emotions or even the capability to miss someone.
“I’m waiting for an apology…or something.” Scorpius told me. “But Albus hasn’t apologized in years, so I’m going to be waiting for a long time I think.” This didn’t surprise me; then again, I was in the same boat. I didn’t do apologies. “But I hate being mad at people.” Scorpius hated it because he wasn’t used to it. He was too accepting, almost to a fault. For me, being mad at someone is just another typical day. “So I get sad, but then I remember that this feeling is only temporary, it’ll pass like everything else and not to give up…or at least that’s what my mom tells me.” Scorpius was being positive again, this was a good sign. “Tomorrow is a new day, a new chance…I just miss him.” It was a new thing to him, to watch your friendships unravel with such speed, that you don’t even have time to grab hold of them.
“Scorpius,” I said. “Why are you friends with him anyway? He’s like your polar opposite; don’t you get depressed after hanging out with him? He’s angsty-“
“-You’re angsty.” Scorpius countered.
“Alright,” I shrugged. “He’s negative-“
“So are you.”
“He has issues!”
Scorpius laughed at me and I frowned at him. “Pippa, so does everyone else. You wouldn’t be able to find someone who doesn’t have at least a little bit of baggage.” He shrugged. “Some people just hide it better than others.” He paused for a moment. “I like Albus because he treats me like I’m a normal person, he defends me to all the ignorant people out there, he’s honest too,” I rolled my eyes at Scorpius. “There are lots of things I like about him actually.”
“That’s nice.” I sneered as I snatched my arm back, unlinking us.
Scorpius shook his head. “He’s been through a lot, if you got to know him, you’d realize he isn’t that bad.”
“He’s evil.” I protested childishly.
“Sometimes, there is just no winning with you my little sunshine.” Scorpius flicked me in the forehead.
“That’s because I’m not a loser.”
"Keep telling yourself that sunshine.” Scorpius laughed and I scowled. “If the wind changes, you’ll stick like that…sunshine.”
“Stop calling me sunshine!” I pushed him and Scorpius barely moved an inch.
I was seriously weak.
I mean, I couldn’t even push over Scorpius.
And that is pretty pathetic.
“You’re so hardcore.” Scorpius said before he muttered the password to the common room. It seemed we had arrived at our destination and I haven’t even realized. I rolled my eyes at Scorpius before walking into the common room.
Scorpius followed, ever the sheep. The common room was pretty empty; it seems we had been out longer than I thought. Scorpius had dragged me out earlier to help on his patrol duties as the girl who he usually does it with couldn’t be bothered. Scorpius somehow was made prefect in fifth year, I don’t know how it happened either. I mean, Scorpius trips over his own shoelaces, so who the hell would want to give him responsibility? I mean, even I would have been better for the job, even though you know; I would have totally abused my power. I’d be docking points from everyone who annoyed me. It’s not like I cared really that I had never been chosen, as I found tagging along with Scorpius tonight, being a prefect was kind of boring. Still though, his badge was shiny.
“Well that patrol with you was lovely.” Scorpius ruffled my hair “You know, despite the fact that you threatened that boy and tried to push me over for calling you sunshine.” I just shrugged, it was all true. “But thank you for talking to me and your advice, it means a lot.” He kissed me on the forehead. “Good night sunshine. I hope you actually get some sleep tonight, you look tired.”
“Are you trying to tell me I look rubbish?”
“Of course not.” He laughed before strolling up to the boy’s dormitory and I walked towards the girl’s dormitory. I pushed the door open to find Cassie arguing with a furious Emilie.
It was just normal night in the sixth year girls dormitory then.
“Where is my bloody essay Holmes?” Emilie yelled in Cassie’s face. “If you don’t tell me right now, things will start to get ugly.” Cassie didn’t even flinch; instead she just rolled her eyes.
“Will it get uglier than your face?” That was a lie, Emilie was pretty. Even I could admit that because I had eyes. “Because I don’t think that’s possible.” Cassie covered her eyes. “Stop looking at me! You’re scaring me! I’m going to have nightmares!” Cassie snickered before her hands fell from her face to her side.
“You’re pathetic Holmes, pathetic!”
“That’s cool.” Cassie laughed. “Think that I’m pathetic, I don’t really care what you think about me.”
“Of course you don’t, little Cassandra Holmes, thinks about herself and just uses people to get what you want.”
“I am not little; I think you’ll find Pippa is the midget in this room.” Cassie pointed at me. Emilie had just told her she was self centered and used people, yet she chose to defend herself on the little remark? I’ll never understand people.
“Hey!” I protested, not wanting to be brought into another one of their many fights nor did I want my height ridiculed.
Emilie sighed. “It’s like arguing with a monkey when I argue with you sometimes.”
Cassie shrugged. “Monkeys are cool and I like bananas, so I’m alright with being compared to a monkey. Also monkeys are really smart so in fact you kind of just gave me a compliment, so cheers!”
“Just give me my essay back? I spent hours on it and I’m not letting you steal it like last time. It got marked at troll!” Cassie had stolen Emilie’s essay, swapped it with her own and then taken the credit for Emilie’s essay which earned her an O. Cassie often takes Emilie’s stuff and hides it but she’d been doing it more and more lately.
“That’s what I said, no.”
“You’re such a bitch Holmes.”
“Thanks, you’re sweet heart.” Cassie smirked. “Anyway, I’m going to take a wash and get ready for bed.” She walked towards the bathroom. “If you find it Zabini, tell me because you deserve a medal or something.”
“Slag.” Emilie yelled at her.
“I love boys and they love me, who am I deny them?” Cassie winked before she gave one last wave and slammed the bathroom door behind her.
“I hate her.” Emilie muttered. “I really do.”
“That’s nice.” I told her as I looked through my stuff. I didn’t want to talk to her, if I did; it just brought back the pain of Damien betraying me back to the surface. Also I couldn’t imagine why Damien would love her other than for her aesthetically pleasing face. She used to be a good person, but as the years had gone by, she had changed into someone else entirely. She had no friends, considering that me, Emilie and Cassie were the only sixth year Slytherin girls, it wasn’t all surprising. It started off as a friendship of convenience that developed into something more.
Emilie shuffled her feet. “I would have thought you would have some questions to ask me….Damien said you know about us…well me and him.” I cursed her, I had hoped never to talk about it, I was learning all this new information lately that I really didn’t want to know and not learning the answers to things that I desperately wanted to know.
“Nope.” I shrugged. “I don’t have anything to ask you.”
“Seriously?” Emilie stared at me.
“Nope, I don’t want to know about you fucking with my brother’s heart or how you plan to destroy it.” I pulled out my cleaning supplies, I needed to clean, I really did. I needed to channel these emotions into something productive.
“What do you think that?” She asked. I was trying to run and she wouldn’t let me. She never did.
“You’re in this pathetic secret fling, you won’t even get into a relationship with him and you don’t acknowledge him in the halls or anything.” I told her. “That seems like fucking with someone’s heart to me.”
Emilie smiled. “You would know all about that wouldn’t you?”
I laughed snottily as I looked at her. “That’s because I learned from the best.” It was true, Cassie and Emilie have taught me a lot of things, some of them good but most of them are bad. In turn, I had shared my knowledge. Thus when we fought fire with fire, it was always an equal match. There is something having your ex best friend as your enemy, she knows all your weak spots and your secrets. It means you can never let your guard down.
Emilie looked me up and down. “All this isn’t my fault, I didn’t ask your brother to like me.”
If it’s one thing that is guaranteed to annoy me, if people who blame on person for everything, they see themselves with rose tinted glasses. You could say a lot of things about me, but I know when I’ve done wrong. I just don’t do anything to correct my mistake usually or stop myself from making another horrible decision. I knew Emilie wasn’t innocent. She had played Damien. I knew it, she knew it and even Damien knew it.
"Don’t play dumb Emile. I once saw you punch someone who tried to kiss you when you didn’t like them.” She also kicked him but I decided to leave that out. “You wanted to kiss Damien, I’m not sure why, to get at me maybe?” I found my box of cleaning supplies, the urge to clean got bigger as each second ticked by. It was manifesting itself into a monster that needed to let out of its cage. “If that was it, I don’t care.” I lied. I did care but I didn’t want to tell her that.
“The world doesn’t revolve around you Pippa. It’s not always about you.”
“I never said it did.” I sighed. “But whatever you can do what you want with Damien, I don’t care; he’s an adult that can take care of himself.” I shrugged. “He’ll figure you’re not wonderful soon enough.”
“Then I’ll be like you I guess.” Emilie whispered but I didn’t understand what she meant. Emilie would never feel like me after losing Damien because I simply refused to believe she cared about him. Emilie’s and Damien’s relationship is nothing like the one I was involved in. We were in love. I invested so deeply that I had been left with nothing when he left. Emile could never understand how it is and what it is like to feel broken. She couldn’t understand the intoxicating madness that comes hand in hand with your pain.
Emilie couldn’t care about Damien.
This was too weird and I felt my prejudiced rise up, polluting my thoughts.
I didn’t understand Emilie. I had never understood her really. I only understood certain things about her when we weren’t friends and when we weren’t friends; I realized all the things I thought I understood were wrong.
I needed to get out of here. This was too heavy for me. I didn’t want my idea of Emilie changing. I needed to hate her. I needed to see her as this monster that ruined our friendship and hurt Cassie. I couldn’t see her as human.
The very idea was absurd.
I picked up my cleaning supplies and went to escape then but Emilie grabbed my wrist tightly.
She stared at me with blank eyes.
“Do you want to say something?” I gestured to her hand around my wrist.
Emilie thought for several moments that felt like hours, before slowly shaking her head. “I have nothing to say to you.” She dropped my wrist and I felt her gaze follow me as I walked out the door and slammed it behind me.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Nothing had changed. The order was still intact.
Emilie is still the enemy.
It’s all okay.
I walked quickly to the common room and found it to be beautifully empty. I walked into the middle of the common room and breathed in as I heard the sound of swishing water.
It’s the small things in life.
I opened my box of cleaning supplies. I got out my four major things that I needed a long with my bowl. I started my familiar routine. I took out my furniture polish first with the cloth that I only used for polishing. I placed them next to each other in a neat straight line. Next came out the scrubbing brush that I placed next to the polish neatly. I breathed in softly as I completed the final part of my routine, I pulled out my prized buffing cloth; the emerald coloured one.
Ah, it feels good to feel restricted by my routine. Too much had been changing lately and I wasn’t adapted to deal with it. I hated change.
I hated it more than anything because most of the time things just change for the worst.
I sprayed the table with polish and scrubbed the table until my hands stung.
It felt good.
I surveyed my work, it was perfect. Truthfully it always was because I would never give up until it was perfect.
I leaned back from the table and rest my back against the sofa as I sat there on the floor. I closed my eyes. I still didn’t feel completely right. There were still things wrong in my world. There was still so much I couldn’t even begin to understand.
“What are the chances I’d find you in here?” Albus snickered. I opened my eyes to find him leaning against the sofa, sitting on the floor, looking at my bottle of polish. “This doesn’t look like the cheap stuff.”
“It isn’t.” I said snatching it from him. “Don’t touch my stuff Potter.” I snapped at him. “Never touch my bloody stuff you twat.” I had a problem with people touching my things, even though I touched other peoples and cleaned them all the time. I just couldn’t stand it. I cleaned all my things, only for people to mess them up with their dirty germs. I hated it.
Truthfully, I shouldn’t have got so angry but I had all this anger and other emotions I couldn’t quite put my finger on building up inside me that I needed to release and Albus made the perfect verbal punching bag. Also I had something to ask of him and yelling at him wasn’t going to help me get it.
“Calm down dear.” Albus laughed which pissed me off that tiny bit more. “Why are you cleaning for this time?” He inquired, mockingly.
“What are you going on about?” I rolled my eyes.
“You use cleaning and your other obsessive compulsions as an emotional crutch.” Albus pointed out in a ‘duh’ tone like I didn’t understand that already.
“There is nothing wrong with things being clean.” I defended myself anyway, even though I knew he was right. “And why are you not asleep?” I fired back, wishing to move the attention away from myself.
“Sleep is being a bitch.” Albus was playing a game and I couldn’t figure it out.
My mouth felt dry. “I want you to become friends with Scorpius again.” I said, even though I didn’t want to say it, I needed to, for my own sanity and for Scorpius’ too. For the first time in my life, I was doing sometime good and I felt dirty because of it. I was only doing it because Scorpius being whiny was driving me crazy. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
“Why would you want that? You’re kind of the reason he isn’t speaking to me.” Albus shrugged. “I mean that’s what you wanted wasn’t it? Isn’t it part of your master plan?”
“I never asked for him not to talk to you.” Truthfully, I may be a little sick and twisted, but I would never ask Scorpius to do that. I’d rather him give me up than Albus. “And Scorpius is part of no plan.” I glared at him. “Let’s keep it that way.” I stared at him, hoping he’d get the message that Scorpius was off limits.
Albus laughed cruelly. “What is this Nott? Anyone would think you cared about Scorpius for something.”
“I don’t.” I denied. “It’s just irritating having him around me all the time.” Albus raised his eyebrow. “He’s clingy.” There was a truth amongst the lies.
“You can be so deluded sometimes that it’s almost painful to watch. You care about him; you’re going to have to accept it sooner or later.” He sneered, shaking his head at me. “Has Scorpius said anything about me?” It seems that despite everything, Albus cared for Scorpius. Scorpius was his weakness. He was best friend and he had not taken his loss lightly. It unnerved me to see that Albus cared about something. He was apathetic about most things that I really was surprised. I truly would never understand their friendship; it seemed co-dependent with a bunch of other things mixed in.
“He said he’s a sad panda.” I told him.
Albus frowned. “I’ll think about it.” He said like he wasn’t even bothered. Albus was a brilliant actor.
I smirked to myself; I knew I had done enough. Sometimes things were so simple but most of the times they were so complicated, I was pleased to see this was simple.
Scorpius would have his best friend back when he woke up.
“It’s probably best that Scorpius doesn’t spend too much time around you, you’re like poison and you’ll ruin him soon enough.” Albus stood up. He was right; I wasn’t any good for Scorpius but neither was Albus really. “Also, Lily is still with Emmett. Fucking do your worst and split them up.” I hadn’t forgotten my task; I just simply hadn’t had the time to focus on it.
“Sorry, I was too busy almost dying and all that shit.” I snapped, my rage coming back.
Albus rolled his eyes. “Change the record or something will you?”
“You’re a twat.” I told him, before picking up my polish and throwing it at him. It missed, I always had crap aim. It hit the floor with a thud and we both stared at it for a moment. I cursed myself for losing control, but at the moment, my emotions were driving me fucking crazy. I didn’t know what control was at the moment.
“I know.” He replied simply staring at me as I stared at the chucked polish. “And you’re a bitch.” He added.
“I know.” I shrugged. “Glad we got that covered, is there anything else you want to add?” My hatred for him grew.
Albus said nothing but headed towards the boys dormitory. I watched him until he was out of sight.
Even after that, I still felt like I was exploding. My emotions were eating me out from the inside.
I couldn’t control them.
My anger didn’t evaporate and my sadness was drowning me.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I picked up my polish off the floor. I inspected it and I found a small dent in it.
It was imperfect. It was ruined.
It was a lot like me then.
I pulled my knees close to me and hummed softly to myself as I wished the bad thoughts would go away.
I stayed like that for hours.