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Chapter 4: Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off
I looked up in the direction of the sound and saw Greengrass glaring at Chris Dakota, who she had been partnered with. Dakota was holding his hand to his cheek and staring at her in shock. She still had her hand up.
Dude. Did Charlie Greengrass just bitch slap Chris Dakota across the face?
I turned to Scorp to present this question to him, but before I could say anything, he turned to me and said, “Yes. Yes, she did.”
I knew he was my bro for a reason.
“Miss Greengrass! I have never seen a better slap in all my days at Hogwarts, and that’s really saying something. Mr. Dakota, please apologize to Miss Greengrass for your blatant sexual harassment. You will be reporting to detention in the Great Hall at seven o’clock tonight. Oh, and minus ten points from Slytherin.”
Longhorn is hilarious. He’s legit the best teacher in the whole school.
“Professor! That’s totally unfair! She just slapped me and you’re not punishing her?!” Dakota whined, holding his cheek in pain.
Mental Note: Greengrass is a very accomplished slapper. Make sure not piss her off within slapping range.
“Mr. Dakota, stop whining. Miss Greengrass had every right to slap and personally I am very proud of her. She shows excellent potential for a future career in slapping any male who crosses her. Keep that in mind, gentlemen. Now, Miss Greengrass, why don’t you go and work with…Mr. Temple. He will be your partner for the rest of the year and I’ll find someone else for Mr. Dakota. Preferably someone with a good right hook and a particularly masculine chin.”
No matter how long Longhorn teaches me, I will never get used to his jokes or his sense of humor.
Greengrass was, by this point, red in the face from either embarrassment or suppressed laughter. I’m leaning towards the latter.
“Thank you, sir.” She managed to say without bursting out in laughter.
“No problem, Miss.”
Greengrass gathered up her things and went to sit with Sam Temple, who was another Slytherin, albeit a Slytherin who wasn’t a complete asshole.
Shocker, I know.
After making sure Scorp didn’t straight-up murder Temple because he accidentally “grazed” Greengrass (I’d call it more of an accidental-reaching-across-her-to-reach-something type thing), I turned my attention back to the Draught of Living Death, which I had no idea how to make. I glanced at the page in my book and got up to get the ingredients we needed.
“Wait, where are you going?” Scorp asked, confused at this sudden turn of events.
“To get the ingredients.”
“Are you taking the piss?”
“The potion we’re making, dumbass.”
Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with him.
After getting the ingredients and dumping them on the table, we started to make the potion.
Well, I started to make potion. Scorp just kind of sat there and stared unabashedly at Rose, who was working in front of us with Luke.
“Oi! Scorp!” I hissed, elbowing him in the side. “Stop perving on my cousin and help me.”
Scorp blushed bright red and immediately grabbed some Snarglepuff pods and started stabbing them viciously with a silver dagger. I raised one eyebrow at him and shook my head. I will never, ever, ever fancy someone if that’s what it does to you.
“Ah, Mr. Potter. I see you’ve succeeded in making the Draught of Living Death perfectly. Ten points to Gryffindor.” I smirked in victory as I handed Longhorn my vial of potion.
Bam, bitches! You can’t touch this!
Greengrass brushed past me to hand Longhorn her own vial. “Miss Greengrass! Excellent job, as per usual. I’m glad to see your performance hasn’t dipped over the summer.”
Dammit. Why can’t she be bad at something so I can tease her about it?
I swaggered back over to my table and slumped onto my stool, running a hand through my hair. I glanced over at Scorp and saw him staring fixedly at Rose, yet again.
“Mate, snap out of it! You’re seriously starting to freak me out.” I hissed in his ear, slapping him upside the head.
Scorp had the decency to blush and duck his head in embarrassment, but the second I turned my head to study one of the hot Slytherin girls who we shared the class with, I caught I glimpse of him immediately looking back up at Rose from the corner of my eye.
He’s so whipped.
The bell rang then and I stood up, slung my bag over my shoulder, and left the classroom swiftly, though not before ruffling my hair and sending a smirk over my shoulder at those hot Slytherins.
“Okay, I don’t know what your deal is, Malfoy, but you’re seriously starting to freak me out!”
“I was only helping!”
“Helping, my arse! Stop acting so…weird!”
This shall not end well.
“Oi, Al, have you talked to that Greengrass bird yet? She’s fucking hot.” I glanced up and saw Luke sit down across from me, flipping his blond hair out of his eyes. “I got to sit next to her during Transfig and holy shit – she’s hot and she’s funny and she’s sarcastic and did I mention that she’s hot?”
I looked at him, thoroughly unimpressed, and said, “You’ve got it bad. Have you even talked to her yet?”
“No! That’s why I’m asking you! You could hook something up for your mate, right?”
“You’re such a git. Yeah, I’ve talked to her. We hate each other.” I shrugged noncommittally, reaching out and grabbing another ham sandwich.
“How could you hate her?” he asked, scandalized, as he heaped his plate with roast beef and salad and what looked like mashed potatoes mixed with jelly beans.
When it comes to Luke, often it’s best not to ask.
“Because I think she’s a bitch.” I said slowly. “At least, she is to me. You want to get in good with her? Talk to Scorp or Freddy. They know her a lot better than I do.”
“Okay.” Luke said brightly, grinning at me before shoving a spoonful of his mashed potatoes/jelly beans into his gob and chewing loudly.
I winced slightly and took a bight of my sandwich.
I don’t understand why everyone thinks that blokes have to eat like they’re starving. I mean sure: go ahead, eat a lot. Whatever. Who cares. But don’t eat so loudly. Honestly, learn some table manners! I come from a family of males who eat so much and so frequently I’m surprised we’re not all morbidly obese, yet we all have impeccable table manners.
Though that is largely due to our terrifying mothers/aunts/grandmother/female cousins.
Still. It’s not necessary to eat everything with such…volume.
“Dear Merlin Luke. Have you ever been taught to eat without sounding like you’re chewing gravel?”
I grimaced in distaste and focused determinedly on my book, refusing to glance up and acknowledge Greengrass’s presence as she sat down next to Luke.
It should be noted that I find it odd that the first thing out of her mouth is an agreement to what I was literally just thinking.
I am not okay with this fact.
“Oh, hey Charlie! Fancy seeing you here. So…’sup?”
I face palmed.
Bloke’s completely hopeless with girls. It takes him five minutes to snog a slag even when she’s pretty much throwing herself at him.
So it comes as no surprise when the extremely attractive girl he fancies sits down next to him, he stuns her with his smooth lines.
Yeah. Real suave guy, Luke is.
“Potter.” She said curtly. I looked up in time to see her nod stiffly at me.
“Greengrass.” I nodded back, just as stiffly.
I feel kind of pathetic now. No passionate, hate-filled, detention-garnering, food-fight-starting argument. No, just a curt and formal greeting at the Gryffindor table during lunch.
Oh, we are just brimming with tension, are we not?
“Rose, listen, I swear I didn’t mean to set your hair on fire!”
“Save it, Malfoy! I don’t care about your stupid apologies!”
He set her hair on fire?
Luke, Greengrass, and I swiveled in our seats to see Rose storm into the Great Hall, followed closely by Scorp, who was obviously apologizing to her unresponsive form profusely. Rose’s fiery red hair was smoking slightly though it was otherwise unharmed. Scorp had the obvious signs of a vicious Stinging Hex distorting the features of his face greatly.
“Rose, please listen! I’m really, really, really sorry! It was a completely accident!” Scorp pleaded.
“Oh, shut up.” Rose snapped. She whirled around and raised her wand, pointing it straight at Scorp. Everyone winced and waited for the inevitable curse. Except instead of cursing him, she healed the Stinging Hex and stalked across the Great Hall to where the three of us were sitting, dumbfounded.
“What are you looking at?” she snarled as she sat down.
We all shrugged and turned back to our lunch, occasionally shooting worried glances at Rose. Scorp sat down next to me and shoved some food into his mouth, looking desolate and forlorn.
“Yo, ma homies wassup wi’ you?”
“Never again. Never again, Fred. That was just…awful.” Greengrass said woodenly, wincing in pain at Freddy’s attempt at talking like an American gangster.
“Oi! Way to just stifle my true self! You guys are all such assholes.” Freddy sat down next to Greengrass and ruffled her hair.
She then proceeded to shake her hair all over the place like a wet dog. And then she, being a crazy bint, whipped her wand out and charmed her hair a vivid shade of neon purple.
“What?” she questioned, taking in all of our shocked expressions. “I felt like it!”
“That’s my girl!” Freddy laughed, slinging his arm around her shoulders and charming his own hair the same shade of neon purple.
Okay then. I’m just going to pretend that I don’t know either one of them.
“You guys are batshit insane.” James said from my behind me. “Oh, yeah, tryouts this weekend. Saturday morning, nine o’clock sharp. Be there. C’mon Freddy, we have things to do! Girls to snog, pranks to set, autographs to sign and all that nonsense.”
“But James, I’m having fun with Charlie! We’re going to be awesome purple-haired awesome people together and it’s gonna be awesome!”
“Have fun with that.” James said drily, obviously unimpressed. “Char, you can come with us if you want, but I don’t think those girls we’re going to be snogging will really enjoy your presence.”
“No, no. That’s fine, trust me. Go ahead and – be James. That’s cool. I’ll just stay here and…eat my food. Yeah.” She said hastily, shrugging out from under Freddy’s arm and shoving him off the bench, scooting over to fill his spot as well as her own.
Girl can take up a lot of space.
Freddy jumped to his feet and promptly climbed up on the bench, onto the table, and then dashed across and jumped down beside James.
“Freddy, my man! Let’s go and raise hell.”
The two sauntered out of the Great Hall, attracting stares and whispers as they went.
I’ve always felt like I have a rather lot to live up to when it comes to my older brother. I mean, honestly, he walks through a hall during lunch and everyone just…watches him with expressions of awe.
I’m working on my awesomeness, but according to James I need to snog three different (hot) girls consecutively while drunk in order to be anywhere near as awesome as he is.
I’ll pass on that one, believe it or not.
Five minutes passed, during which food and drink were consumed and not much happened. Well, aside from the mournful looks Scorp kept on throwing in Rose’s direction and her scathing glares in response.
Rose has quite the temper. She probably won’t even talk to Scorp again for about a week. Course, he’ll have a hell of a time dealing with that because he’s such a lovesick idiot. Not really his fault, though, is it? I mean, we don’t pick who we fall in love with. It just kind of happens. Regardless, he won’t enjoy her shunning him, but it will inevitably happen.
After finishing my food, I stood up and muttered something about going to class and getting there in time to get the best seat.
Nobody even looked up from their food.
Damn, I feel loved.
“Oi! Potter, wait up!” I turned and saw Greengrass dashing after me, neon purple hair flying out behind her.
I grudgingly halted and waited for her to catch up.
“Eight sickles says Rose shuns my idiot cousin for a week.” She hissed when she caught up to me, adjusting her bag on her shoulder.
I snorted derisively. “Eight sickles says Rose shuns Scorp for six days.” I challenged, falling into step with her.
“You’re on.” She snarled, glaring up at me from underneath her purple bangs.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t take you seriously with that hair.” I said bluntly, walking around a corner and continuing on my way to DADA.
“Well, I like it, so fuck you.” She said primly, sniffing at me and turning up her nose prissily.
Even though she’s annoying as hell and she has a budding gambling problem, she’s still pretty funny.
There is no way I am ever telling her that, however.
We reached the DADA classroom as the bell rang, and Greengrass slouched against the wall, blowing some of her violently colored hair out of her eyes as she did so.
I must say, I’ve never seen someone who looks so damn attractive with bright purple hair.
Though I’ve never actually seen all that many people with purple hair in the first place, so that’s not much of a compliment. Not that it is a compliment. Because why would I ever compliment Greengrass’s physical appearance? That’s just ridiculous. Definitely.
I ruffled my hair for the pure purpose of something to do and moved across the hall, where I copied Greengrass’s position.
“Hey, why did you slap Chris Dakota this morning in Potions?” I asked suddenly.
“He was hitting on me. Tried to kiss me, which I totally wasn’t okay with, so I slapped him. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Why do you ask?”
“No reason.” I shrugged nonchalantly.
Psh, I don’t care that some bastard tried to kiss her. Hey, she’s free game. Open season. She’s not dating anyone; no one has any claim on her. She can handle herself. I don’t care. It’s not like I feel jealous or anything. That’s simply ridiculous.
I should probably stop lying to myself.
“Al! Al, can I talk to you?” I turned around to see Rose running towards me, weaving through all the students in the crowded hallway.
Classes had just ended for the day, and consequently there was a huge mass of students trying to get out of their various classrooms and run off and do whatever it is they wanted to do.
“What’s up, Rose? Scorp bothering you again, the tosser?” I asked when she reached me, slightly out of breath and looking flustered.
“No. He’s left me alone since lunch.”
“I wonder why…” I murmured, continuing to walk to the Common Room as Rose walked beside me.
“So, I’ve been meaning to ask you if you fancy Charlie.”
“I – what?! That’s ridiculous! Why the hell would I fancy Greengrass? She’s bloody annoying and irritating and she’s just so…exuberant. It’s bothersome. Who dyes their bloody hair bloody purple and just leaves it that way spontaneously? She’s fucked up. Of course I don’t fucking fancy her. That’s simply ridiculous.”
I think I’ve noticed a bit of pattern to all of my denial.
“Sure. Well, I’ll let you continue to think that, but be warned that Luke’s been trying desperately to flirt with her. Stupid girl doesn’t even realize what he’s trying to do, but she’ll pick up on it eventually. Just keep that in mind, Al.”
And then she dashed off, leaving me alone to quell me feelings of – dare I say it? – jealousy.
Oh god, I’m a terrible person.
I’m so sorry! I just…I’ve been suffering writer’s block and I just….i’m an awful person. You should go and yell at me for being such a terrible, terrible, terrible person in a review.
But hey! It was a long chapter, right? And I think it was one of my best yet. See, I’m starting to develop my characters! I’m so proud of myself.
Oh, what do you think of Luke? Beckendorf will be in the next chapter. (maybe).
oh, and because apparently i have to do this now, Panic! At The Disco made the song that is the chapter title. great song. absolutely fantastic. you can still spaz to me about how much you love it in a review, though!