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Typical Clueless Guy by PygmyPuffLover

Format: Novel
Chapters: 27
Word Count: 105,249

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Strong Language, Strong Violence, Scenes of a Sexual Nature

Genres: Fluff, Humor, Romance
Characters: McGonagall, Teddy, Scorpius, Albus, James (II), Lily (II), Hugo, Rose, Victoire, OC
Pairings: OC/OC, Rose/Scorpius, James/OC, Lily/OC, Other Pairing

First Published: 09/01/2011
Last Chapter: 01/07/2013
Last Updated: 01/07/2013

beautiful banner by !nkblot @ tda || completed || undergoing minor edits ||


Relationships seem so much harder when you have to battle your way out of your own stupidity to have one. And my stupidity puts up a strong fight, let me tell you.

Hugo Weasley/Vanessa McIver

Chapter 22: The Revelation

holaaaa :D

disclaimer: none of this belongs to me.

so i hope you like the chapter, and do me a favour - don't kill me for the ending...



The two sleeping bags were lying as close to each other as it was possible to be, almost overlapping.

The girl had been shivering when she went to sleep, and realised she was cold again, so he had offered to put his arm around her to keep her warm. Her head was leaning across the join between the two sleeping bags and resting on his chest, being held there by the arm that was around her shoulders.

Their spare hands were holding each others.


Having fallen asleep pretty much as soon as I had gotten into bed meant that I wasn't remotely tired anymore, despite it being five o'clock in the morning. I'm becoming more and more like Lily every day.

What a scary thought.

I thought about waking Lily up, but the thought was unappealing. The closest thing that resembles Lily when she is really tired is an irate sabre toothed tiger. And I did not want to wake one of those.

So I squeezed Hugo's hand – which I had fallen asleep holding – and he snorted slightly in his sleep. You know you are seriously whacked in the head when you find that sexy. I squeezed his hand again and used my free hand to shake him awake lightly.

"I'm really sorry, but it's really early in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. Do you mind talking to me for a bit?" I whispered as his eyes flickered open. They instantly looked more awake.

"Of course not." He murmured into my hair.

I smiled and used my free arm to trace patterns up and down his chest through the t shirt he was wearing, which showed all of his muscles in great detail.

"Thank you." I whispered, looking up so I could see his face properly. My eyes met his and he smiled down at me, holding me frozen with their ocean depths.

"Happy Christmas Eve." He muttered eventually, leaning down slightly. I shuffled upwards and let him kiss me on the lips, so lightly it did not even feel like he was touching me. He kissed me for a few seconds and then pulled his head back.

I rested back onto his chest and continued to trace patterns onto his shirt as he hummed a lullaby into my hair. I have the luckiest hair in the world.

I couldn't believe that I had been at The Burrow for a week already and only had a week to go before I had to leave again. It was the most wonderful house you could possibly imagine.

"So what do you want to get for Christmas?" He whispered. I thought about his for a minute.

"I don't know. We don't have much money, so I don't really expect anything particularly great. I might get a new jumper, or a pair of shoes, or a book or something. You?" I whispered back.

"I don't know either. I'd like a set of weights, or a motorbike or just a load of cash really." Wow. His family really do have a lot of money.

"Are we getting each other presents?" I asked.

"Not actual ones, no. But I know what I'd like for Christmas off you." I looked up at his face and he smiled down at me. I grinned back.

"What?" I asked.

"Let me show you." He whispered huskily, and he took his arm off my shoulder and unzipped the side of my sleeping bag.

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

He pulled me out of my makeshift bed and onto his chest completely, so my chest was pressed up against his and my nose was touching the end of his.

"This is what I want for Christmas." He murmured, his hot breath fanning my face. He lifted a hand up and stroked my cheek slowly, watching my face turn slightly pink.

And then very slowly, he leaned up and pressed his lips against mine. Why do I always seem to end up snogging this child?

I smiled and pressed my face against his, moving my hands so I was lying completely on top of him. Hugo grinned into the kiss and moved his hands so they were clutching at the back of my pyjama top, pulling me closer.

Neither of us seemed to be able to stand the idea of being even an inch further apart than we had to be. I curled my fingers into Hugo's hair and he slowly traced around the outside of my mouth with his tongue, leaving a tingling sensation behind.

I slid my tongue into his mouth and gently kissed the end of his, closing my eyes and just letting myself feel. I imagined that Hugo was my boyfriend, and he was doing this because he loved me, not because he was single and wanted to snog someone.

I gripped at his hair and his hands tightened on my shirt, balling up into fists. He moved his hands down my back, until they reached the tops of my thighs.

I smiled slightly against his mouth and moved my tongue so I could bite down on his bottom lip, which caused him to groan into my ear and his hands to ball up into fists again, clutching my shorts.

I guess you can tell where his hands were sitting.

I pulled my mouth away from his and stared into his eyes, kidding myself that I saw nothing but love coursing through them. Snort. Nothing but lust maybe.

I extended my finger and ran it along his side, up and down in a fluid motion, causing his arm to erupt in gooseflesh.

"Vanessa-" He moaned, but I cut him off, pressing my mouth back against his with deliberate force. His hands flew to my head and clutched at my hair, pulling my face closer to his, continuing the magic and passion...

It was the sound of Lily waking up that brought me back to my senses.

I rolled off Hugo at the speed of light and slammed my back onto the floor, sliding inside the sleeping bag and placing my head back of Hugo's chest.

He wrapped his arm back around my shoulder and his hand found mine.

"How did you like your Christmas present?" I muttered, and he snorted into his pillow.


There was about a half a bloody hour of wolf whistling and smirks and giggles when the others woke up and found Hugo and I in our...friendly position. We hadn't really given it much thought.

We were told we could go to breakfast in our pyjamas, so that's what we decided to do. The annoying part? My pyjamas were a pair of grey cotton shorts and a white vest top. Lovely, elegant young lady wear.

I swear I caught Hugo ogling my arse when I turned around, but his eyes snapped up so suddenly I couldn't be sure.

I sat down at the breakfast table, which was outside under a marquee because of the sheer number of people staying at The Burrow – which is even more when you consider that all of Lysander's family and Professor Longbottom's family were there – but it was reasonably warm outside anyway. I have my suspicions that Uncle Harry cast a warming charm when Aunt Hermione wasn't looking.

Lysander was sitting on my left, and he gave me a one armed hug before turning back to his food. I really like him, you know. He's worthy of someone like Lily.

I saw Lily heading for the seat next to me, so I put up my hand to wave to her but someone sat down before I could even twitch my hand.

"Lorcan Scamander." He grinned.

"Nice to meet you." I said politely. I'd never spoken to Lorcan before, because he didn't really get on with his brother, and he was a Ravenclaw.

He seemed to be staring very hard at my chest, so I self consciously yanked the fabric up so it covered a little more flesh. Eyes up top if it's not too much bother.

"I like your pyjamas." He grinned. That's a little bit of an odd comment to make, considering my pyjamas are a pair of tiny shorts and a tight vest top. But, manners don't cost a penny.

"Thank you?" I said unsurely.

"Fucking tosser." Hugo spat. His mother clouted him over the head with Uncle Ron's paper and scolded him for his language, not noticing that he was too busy glaring at Lorcan to pay the slightest bit of attention to what she was saying.

I looked at her face, but she seemed to be glaring rather stonily at Lorcan as well. In fact, everyone seemed to be glaring at him, other than his mother, who was staring off into space, and his father, who was reading the paper with a monocle.

A monocle, I ask you. In the 21st century.

Good Lord.

"You got any plans for today?" Lorcan asked, running his finger along the length of each of mine in turn. I slid my hands off the table and folded my arms.

"No, not really." I said, feeling awkward. "Just hang out with Lily."

With every word that got spoken by Lorcan, the expressions of the family became stonier.

"Well, your best friend is dating my brother, right. Maybe the pair of you should date a Scamander brother." He muttered to me.

"I don't think that will work." I said, confused out of my skull. "Why the hell would I want to date Lysander if Lily's dating him?"

Lily slammed her head down onto the table and Roxanne rolled her eyes and snorted. Uncle Harry seemed to want to laugh, but judging by the expressions of the table at large, that would not go down well.

"That's not what I meant," He muttered, leaning closer. I very obviously leaned away from him, and bumped my shoulder against Lysander, "I meant-"

"SO, WHO WANTS TO PLAY A GAME OF TWO A SIDE QUIDDITCH?" Hugo interrupted loudly, completely drowning out whatever Lorcan said.

"Who's playing?" Lily asked eagerly.

"How about you and Lysander, versus Vanessa and I?" He suggested.

"Can I join in?" Lorcan asked, standing up.

"No, you fucking well can't." Hugo snarled. Lorcan looked surprised for a moment and then shrugged.

"Actually, you can. I can't fly, and I have a fear of heights. You can play instead of me." I said to Lorcan, without looking at him.

"Fine." Hugo spat. "Lily and I versus Lysander and Lorcan. But only if you watch." He added to me.

I nodded and bounced out of my seat to go and get dressed.

I'm not very fond of Lorcan, to tell you the truth.


I watched them play Quidditch, which was a lot more amusing when you factor in the fact that Hugo seemed to be aiming all of his Quaffles for Lorcan's back rather than the goalposts.

Lorcan brushed it off every time and then waved to me, blowing kisses and such. Hugo almost punched him in the head the sixth time he did this, and had to be held back by Lysander.

I rolled my eyes and picked up the book that I had brought down to read.

I opened it to the first page and began to read. The words seemed to slip through my mind without me really taking in any of it. I just couldn't get into the story like I normally could.

I was only started out of my hopeless reading when Molly sat down on one of my sides and Lucy sat down on my other side.

I turned around and noticed that the majority of the family had assembled without me even noticing.

I returned Uncle Ron's smile and turned back to watch the game.

The Quaffle flew out of Lorcan's hand – probably a result of the fact that Lysander had just kicked the back of his broom – and landed on the floor a little way in front of where I was sitting.

I stood up and walked over to it, before carrying to where Hugo was waiting for it.

I held out the Quaffle and he took it in one hand, putting his other hand on my cheek.

"Thank you." He murmured, and he lightly pressed his lips against mine.

He hopped back on his broomstick and took off into the air. I watched him go and then stumbled dazedly back to where I was sitting. What is it with that child and messing with my brain?

Aunt Hermione raised her eyebrows at me and I blushed.

"It doesn't mean anything to him." I told her. "We do it all time. I don't actually know why."

The last part was more to myself than her.


I sat down next to Lily at dinner. She kissed me on the cheek and then continued to spoon tomato soup into her mouth like there was no tomorrow.

Mind you, Nana Weasley is the best cook I've ever met.

I glanced at the seat next to me, which had suddenly been filled by Lorcan Scamander. I forced myself to smile – which came out more like a grimace – instead of swear and tell him to fuck the hell off and bother someone else.

I just feel like what he says means something that he's not letting on. Like it had a hidden meaning or something. And I don't like it.

But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just having a bad morning.

Hugo did not have as much luck as me at keeping his feelings about Lorcan is check.

When he strolled up to the table and saw Lorcan he went a scary shade of purple and snarled –

"No fucking way. You are fucking kidding me right now."

"Language!" Aunt Hermione snapped, shaking the carrot ladle at him. He ignored her.

Hugo slammed down into the seat opposite me but did not touch any of his food. He just glared with his arms folded at the golden haired prat sitting next to me.

"So how come you didn't play Quidditch today?" Lorcan asked me in a freakishly deep voice that in no way resembled his own. He sounded like an android or something.

"I have a fear of heights." I said woodenly, aware that once again we were the only ones at the table speaking. They had all taken up the old hobby of Lorcan Glaring.

"Want me to teach you how to fly? I can give you a lot of...private lessons." He breathed the last word onto my face.

This guy is way too intense for my liking.

I pretended to wipe spit from under my eye.

"No thanks."

Lorcan smiled at me for a moment and his eyes drifted down to my chest region. I folded my arms.

Hugo stiffened.

Lorcan leaned in so his face was only inches away from my own, his breath tickling the side of my face.

I guess he has a different idea of the boundaries of the personal bubble. This is making me feel a little awkward.

"So, you busy tonight or do you have time to have a little fun with me?" He asked in a husky voice, leaning his face even closer to my own. Yeah, definitely feeling awkward now. I don't think I like Lorcan very much.

But before I had even had a chance to figure out what he had asked me or Mrs Scamander had a chance to finish her dreamy reprimand, Hugo had claimed the table's attention by standing up suddenly, swearing at the top of his voice.

"Fucking hell, you pathetic bastard."

He turned around, kicked his chair hard so it flew a good two metres into the air and crashed into a nearby oak tree, and started to storm back towards the house, punching plants out of his way furiously, shouting occasional swear words.

The table stared after him in shock, with Aunt Hermione standing up and calling after him –


"What the fu- heck was all that about?" I asked after a moment. The table turned to me, with disbelieving expressions on each of their faces.

But Lily snorted and turned so she was facing me, nothing but annoyance in her own expression. I opened my mouth to ask her what was the matter but she cut across me.

"You know, I love you to pieces Van, you're my best friend in the world, but it doesn't half piss me off how annoyingly clueless you are sometimes." She stopped for a moment to breathe, ignoring her mother's significant cough at her language. "It's been three months, and you're still too bloody dim to notice, or to even do as I say!"

What the fuck is she going on about?

"I told you months ago to tell Hugo that you liked him, and so did Al, and you refused..." She wasn't finished, but Lorcan cut in.

Oh bloody hell, what does he want?

"Hang on, you like Hugo back!" He asked, looking appalled.

"Yeah..." I said vaguely, looking confused. I ignored him in the end and turned back to Lily.

"I still don't understand why Hugo stormed up from the table." I said, shaking my head and my mind reeling with confusion.

"Because Lorcan was flirting his cowardly, pathetic arse off!" She said impatiently. "And you're too BLOODY CLUELESS to even notice that!"

I still don't understand.

"I don't understand why Hugo stormed away though. It can't just be because Lorcan was flirting with me, I mean, why would that piss him off?" I ignored another pointed cough from Aunt Ginny.

Lily ran her hands through her hair and screamed quietly in frustration.

"You still haven't figured it out! Can someone help me out here?" She looked around the table, and Albus stood up.

Aw, I love Albus. He'll be nice enough to explain to me what's going on.

But his face was just as annoyed as his sister's. Albus never gets annoyed with me, what's going on?

"Because..." He started, his voice shaking with forced calm.

"Because, you clueless bint, HUGO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Lily cut in, her voice nothing short of a scream.

Come again?