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Chapter 1: Fandom: Sometimes it's Scary.
For the ‘I Hate This Ship Parody.’
Hermione was back at Hogwarts for her seventh year, she was upset because she had caught her boyfriend (what was his name again?) Ron who had been cheating on her with Lavender Brown!
Typical of most dramione authors, this author seems to have forgotten every single canon fact. There is no way that Ron would go after Lavender, people to seem to forget his constant complaining about her.
Hermione was very upset and fractured. Being Hermione of course she put on a brave front and looked absolutely sexy in a pair of skinny jeans with a black tank top and leather jacket with black high heels and red lipstick. Her hair was curled to perfection and every boy drooled when they saw her.
Typically the audience will have fallen asleep due to the long explanation about Hermione’s clothing, of course the author has conveniently forgotten that Hogwarts had uniforms and also Hermione would in no way wear a pair of skinny jeans.
No way in Hell.
Hermione’s brushes a budding tear from her eye and takes out her Head Girl badge, she’s surprised that she received it, but who else would have gotten it? There’s so one as perky, or pretty, or smart, or curly-haired, or wonderful as Hermione Jean Granger.
The audience would like someone to shoot them with a killing curse right about now and the author seems to have forgotten that even Hermione had flaws.
Hermione walked into the special compartment reserved for the Head boy and the Head girl, she takes out the letter that she has receives from McGonagall.
The author keeps switching tenses, this makes the audience face-palm themselves.
Suddenly in walks Draco Malfoy!
Please Merlin no….
“Mudblood,” he sneers.
Because clearly the only facial expression Draco can make is a sneering one. He’s incapable of maybe glaring, or even frowning.
“Ferret,” Hermione sneers right back.
Because clearly the author can’t think of any other insult, what about insulting his greasy hair?
But this year Hermione notices that Draco’s changed, he’s all muscular, and his hair is windswept…and dare I say it?
The audience wishes you wouldn’t.
He’s wearing leather pants.
“What are you doing here?” Hermione says glaring at him.
“I’m Head Boy.”
Was Hogwarts really so deprived of male students that they had to pick Draco Malfoy, resident bully to be Head Boy?
“Oh no!” says Hermione dramatically. “Now I have to share a dorm with you! Ugh!” And then she throws a classic tantrum by stomping out of the special compartment and running away.
This author forgets that Hermione has class.
There’s always that unfortunate but.
Hermione couldn’t help but notice how said he looked, and his eyes they were like a white sliver running through snow while dancing a conga line with a sliver pheasant.
The author could have just said gray and it would have been a lot less confusing for the readers.
They were so sad.
*FLASHBACK TO SOMETIME AFTER THE WAR THAT NEVER HAPPENED*
Dear author of this story, why do you hate us?
Draco could see Hermione and he realized that he was in love with her and he always had been, even though he treated her like the dirt on his shoe it was only because of his undying love for her.
The audience is wondering when we switched POVs.
He could see her crying over the body of someone and he wanted to call out to her, but he couldn’t because even though he loved her, he knew that if his parents caught he would be beaten.
You see, Draco was an abused child.
Even though there are several pages showing how much Draco’s parents love and baby him, come on, the kid’s a total mummy’s boy.
*RIDICLUS AND UNREALISTIC FLASHBACK OVER*
“Draco,” said Hermione as they walked into their dorm together.
“Mudblood,” sneers Draco.
“I can’t believe I have share a bed with you!” Hermione proclaims.
There is no way any school would have a boy and a girl share an apartment by themselves. Although I’ve always wondered why no one wrote a Percy/Penelope with that in there.
Later that night Hermione hears a noise and gracefully leaves her bed to see who’s out there. She’s dressed in nothing but silky lingerie that not only makes her chest look much bigger but also makes her very skinny. She’s like a size negative ten.
Because that’s medically possible.
“Draco?” she whispers.
Draco is sitting on the window seat, the pale moonlight shines on his head making him look like a sex god. He’s still wearing the leather pants.
Hermione realizes he’s crying and instantly all the anger she ever felt toward him has been lifted and she rushes toward him.
“What’s wrong Draco?”
“I’ve just realized something,” Draco proclaims dramatically. “I love you Hermione Granger!”
“I know it’s completely ridiculous Draco but I cannot squash the feelings burning within me!” Hermione proclaims as well. “I love you Draco, especially when you are wearing leather pants!”
The entire audience has left. Never to return.
“We are like Romeo and Juliet!” Draco says before passionately kissing Hermione.
The one person that’s left is wondering why Draco (who is a pure-blood) would know a muggle book.
Cue awkward make-out scene that leaves the rest of audience stunned, disgusted and very scarred.
Hermione and Draco—who are barely dressed—sit up in their bed to find Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley looking at them in shock.
“OMG, I’m like so excited!” Ginny yells. “It is just so totally awesome that you two got together!”
Sisterly loyalty to Ron much?
“I LOVE YOU DRACO YOU’RE MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD,” Harry yells, rushing to hug the two.
Does anyone here like Ron? Hello, best mate, brother, awesome guy?
“Draco,” says Hermione.
“Yes my lovely fluffy baby bunny rabbit?” Draco asks.
I just vomited.
“Oh my sugar cupcake that’s shaped like a hamster, I feel like I might be pregnant!” Hermione says.
“Then we must get married!” Draco says. “And raise lots of greasy blonde children!”
“Oh lovely,” says Hermione.
Author’s Note: As stated above this was for the I hate this ship challenge by Ravenclaw333, it was a tie between Scamione and Dramione, but Draco in leather pants won out. I’m sorry to any Dramione fans I may have offended but this is how I see the Dramione ship.