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Romione ....... Bleurgh! by Pepper Finn
Chapter 1: Pointing out the obvious
~ Hogwarts Castle, before the final battle ~
Ron and Hermione gingerly made their way over to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom on the second floor and stopped at hearing a mysterious noise.
"Did you hear that?" Hissed Hermione throwing her hand across his rather flat chest. It used to be flabby due to constant over-eating, but living roughly in a tent most of the year will do that to a guy.
"Hear what?" Questioned Ron, too unaware of what was going on around him as he was trying hard not to think of any double meaning about entering a secret chamber and using a snakes venom to destroy a treasure. This was made harder by the fact Hermione was touching him.
"That" Hermione pointed out, clearly irritated. "That voice that is narrating our every move. Where do you think it's coming from?"
"Dunno. Does it matter?" Ron asked, clearly not having heard my critique on his physique but dreadfully humilitateded about having his thoughts revealed.
"It matters, Ron, because it might give away our position to the enemy. And there is nothing wrong with his physique!" Hermione added, looking around her.
"What's wrong with my physique?" asked Ron to both Hermione and the Mysterious Narrator, hurt clearly heard in his voice.
"Nothing!" Shot back Hermione as the Mysterious Narrator added "now." rather snidely before losing paitence with the main characters and breaking the wall. "And this is a paraody romance story, not a action one. You two will be fine to make it to the bathroom. Once you're there it'll give me something better to comment on. Now get a move on!"
Heading the advice of the disembodied voice, Ron and Hermione swiftly made their way to the bathroom though both clearly annoyed at the commentry. Ron kept running his hand over his chest and stomach, frowning and trying to catch a glimpse of himself in any reflective surface. He eventually gave up.
"Hey! I haven't given up! I mean I wasn't trying to look at myself...." He trailed off, embarassed at being caught.
"Just ignore it, Ron." Hermione advised. She knew all too well about ignoring things, having constantly been ignored by attractive boys and popular girls her entire school career. Hermione glared around, shooting daggers from her eyes as she tightend the grip on her wand and was prepared to curse the voice into oblivion.
"I thought you said to ig...."
"SHUT UP RON!" Hermione shouted, infuriated by both my harsh and accurate commentry and Ron unintentionally getting the better of her.
Without any further drama the two of them arrived at the bathroom where I had decided they only needed one major obstacle.
"What do you mean "where you decided"? You're just a voice!" Fumed Ron.
"Don't make it angry, Ron." Hermione chided, still very mad at both me and him, though again he was completely unaware as he was both emotionally stunted and looking in the mirror again.
"I am NOT looking into the mirror!" Ron shouted
"But you are emotionally stunted." Muttered Hermione. Unfortunately the voice repeated what she said causing him to hear what she hadn't intended him to.
Ron opened his mouth to make a nasty comment about Hermione and start a pointless argument when she cut across him and asked "How do you get into the Chamber?"
"I've been trying to figure that out since the Yule.... I mean you need to talk to the snake." Ron replied, quickly covering what was on his mind.
"Hey! I only thought the first part! Now she knows what I was thinking. You are really horrible, you know that?" Ron critisicized.
Hermione had decided to ignore the Mysterious Narrator and focus on the task at hand. "So..... how do we talk to a snake?"
Ron was quiet for a minute before saying "I think I can. I've seen Harry do it in the forrest."
For some unknown reason Hermione had never seen any of Harry's snake work before. In fact, upon further reflection, there hasn't been any female that has seen it. Ginny was unconcious at the time so it doesn't count. Voldemorts snake doesn't count as the gender has never really been clear.
Hermione looked around her uncomfortably and wondered just what Sigmund Freud would make of the Narrators observations and how much therapy she might need after this.
"Sooo......" she said to break the uncomfortable silence. "Can you open the Chamber?"
"I can take a crack at it."
Ron leant close to the tap and started making weird movements with his tongue and odd noises. After a few minutes the secret entrance opened.
"Piece of cake" Ron grinned. Taking Hermione's hand, he was about to lead her into the tunnel when he suddenly stopped as a realisation dawned on him.
"Hermione, if go into the tunnel there is no way back for us. We need broomsticks."
As soon as the word "broomsticks" left Ron's mouth, a pair magically appeared besides them. Ron's eyes lit up with surprise as he mused loudly "I wonder if it works with anything else?"
"It probably doesn't otherwise why wouldn't the voice just have dropped some basalisk fangs here for us? We have go in, Ron."
And after a period of sliding and head bumping they found themselves in the chamber next to the dead snake with the horcrux.
"It was rather quick, wasn't it?" Stated Hermione, matter of factly. "So.... who should do it? Who should destroy the horcrux?"
"You." Ron answered.
"Yeah, you. You haven't done it before so I think you should."
Hermione steeled herself and did what needed to be done, watching as the last traces of Voldemort faded from the cup. It had been a rather intesnse moment, filled with high emotions and finally what we had all been waiting for happened.
Hermione threw herself into Ron's arms and declared her feelings in full. "Oh Ron, what attracts me to you the most is how you don't make me feel womanly or attractive at all! But the reason I love you? Is because I love feeling intellectually superior to you, my sweet, dim-witted troll"
"Oh Hermione, I just love how you are the only girl in her right mind who'd have me. And its too much effort to actually chase someone I have stuff in common with."
"Hey!" They both shouted. "We didn't say that nor is that the way we really feel!"
"Oh?" questioned the Mysterious Narrator. "So why are you together?"
"Because......... ummm...." Ron faltered
"Because all the good people deserve a happy ending. And we are main charcters, as if we'd end up with a minor character. And we can't both be with Harry, so this is the next best thing." Hermione countered smuggly.
The Mysterious Narrator shrugged their shoulders and simply said "The end"
"Wait a second!" The Mysterious Narrator cried out to Ron and Hermione, who were holding each other and gazing into one anothers eyes. "Did you hear that voice that narrated me? How deep does this story go?"
They shrugged and mounting their broomsticks, left the chamber, logic, reason, any form of sense and the two Narators behind to live the well known conclusion in complete and utter happiness.
Hello. To all those who took it seriously, I'm sorry. But look! Here's a duck! and it's dressed like a clown.... funny!
More seriously though, thank you for reading my entry into Ravenclaw333's "I Hate This Ship! Parody Challenge". I am an avaid Draco / Hermione shipper (for the challenge, not because I actually like Draco as a person or find him attractive. If anything Ron is probably closer to my type but I don't ship him. Perhaps its jealousy. Hmmm .... never thought about that before)
In any case I can't stand Ron / Hermione ships. This was my first one and I hope you enjoyed my massive pile of parody and the breaking of goodness knows how many walls.