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Chapter 1: The Master Plan
Breathtaking chapter image by cast!el @the dark arts!♥
Disclaimer: I own nothing, it all belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling.
My name is Roxanne Weasley, Roxy if I like you, (Foxy Roxy if you’re Freddie, and only Freddie) I am sixteen years old and, I think that I might be a reincarnation of Lord Voldemort.
You’re laughing I see? Very well, laugh all you want, but when I go ‘round ‘Avada Kedavring’ your arse don’t come running to me.
Do you want to know why I believe myself to be the reincarnation of the Darkest Wizard of all time?
I want to kill a muggle.
Not just any muggle. Pamela Smiths.
The current girlfriend of Jake Thomas, my one true love. I honestly don’t know what Jakey sees in her after all, she is only a muggle.
I mean there really is nothing extrodianry about her. She’s not even that pretty, with her size 2 figure, platinum blonde hair, never ending tan legs and crystal blue eyes she resembles your average troll. Jakey could do so much better.
I mean, why would he choose her when he could have me! Roxanne Weasley! No doubt the craziest bird you’ve ever seen, but at least I’m not an airhead like what’s-her-face.
I for one have substance. So suck on that suckah.
Now, to those who don’t know me, it may seem like I have a slight infatuation with Jake Thomas. And right you are! It’s just that, my love for Jake goes far deeper than a mere schoolyard crush, it’s true love. Real, true love.
Of course he doesn’t realise it yet, but I really can assure you that when he does he’ll simply sweep me off my feet and realise that all his skanky girlfriends were merely a distraction from me- his one true love. His one and only. His lover. The bearer of his children. His wife. His partner. His little cupcake.
Jake Thomas is mine.
I claimed him first after all. I have been in love with Jake since the age of eleven, and the bloke very much knows it too. It’s not exactly like I kept in on the down low. Last year I asked him out in the Great Hall for the Hogsmeade trip, and the year before in the Gryffindor common room, and the year before that in the Astrology Tower…Anyway, I’ve asked him out a fair amount of times, and each time he has rejected.
This year however is different. You ask why? It’s because I got boobs.
A C cup too. I know, I know, you’re jealous, I would be too if I was you. But that’s beside the point. This year I have boobs, which means I can seduce Jake with my womanly wiles.
And don’t talk to me about all of that ‘what about substance’ crap, because there is no way that Jake Thomas is going to fall for me because of my incredible knowledge of potions. I know it’s sad, but it’s the truth. So yeah, but you see there’s a slight catch.
Jake thinks I’m crazy.
Not as in, hey she’s crazy hot.
As in, ‘why isn’t she in a mental institution?’ crazy.
Yeah I know right? How could anyone think I was crazy, I'm as normal as you can get! Jake doesn’t seem to agree with me though, every time I ask him he always replies with the same argument:
‘I DON’T KNOW ROXY, MAYBE CAUSE EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND I’VE HAD SINCE FIRST YEAR YOU’VE MANAGED TO SCARE AWAY!’
I know right, What a rude child! I still love him though…
But, I mean it’s not even my fault that all the girls he happens to go for are skanks! I mean really, he should have a better taste in women! All those skanks were with him for his body.
I was only protecting him! I mean there’s so much more to him than those skanks can see! They don’t know how when he’s nervous he runs his hands through his light brown hair and then makes this ADORABLE little growl. They don’t know how when he gets annoyed he likes to poke his fingers through the holes of his jumpers. They don’t know that he’s fiercely protective over his little brother Sam. They don’t know that his favourite subject is Astrology because he loves looking at the stars. They don’t know that he has 4 little freckles on his nose which he’s extremely paranoid about.
They only like him for his abs. Which are pretty hot, but not nearly as hot as mine...not really, they get cold so I cover them with a layer of fat.
I got that off WizBook, I'm not that creative.
Plus none of them share the connection I have with Jakey. Little skanks only want him to look cool.
Which he is, but not only is he cool, he’s extremely smart! He’s in Advance Potions, and he tutors the little first and second years which is totally admirable because I hate kids. They’re sticky and gross, and just ew.
I told Herman this and he told me that they were twelve and only a few years younger than us. (I chose to ignore this because I’m allowed to.)
Back to Jake, he’s a vegetarian and he’s Co-President of the Hogwarts Student Association of Witches and Wizards. Not to mention he came up with the Anti-Blood Status Discrimination Awareness Week.
So yeah, Jake is perfect.
Plus he’s handsome( NOT HOT, DO YOU SEE THAT SKANKS, HANDSOME, BECAUSE I HAVE CLASS!)
He’s got this tanned skin, and blue eyes from his mother, (who I'd totally do by the way... if I swang that way) he’s got this shaggy brown hair and he’s just…
At times I just want to jump his sexy ass bones and have my dirty little way with him.
I told him that once, strangely enough he found it creepy and told Professor Longbottom. Had me done for sexual assault. He may be sexy as hell but we’ve got to work on that tattle telling problem.
I still love Jake Thomas. Jake + Roxy= LOVE. It’s mathematically accurate.
Why am I revealing to you my love of Jake Thomas? It’s all part of my plan. My sixth year plan. You see, every year of my life has been exceptionally ordinary (as ordinary as it can be when you’re Roxanne Weasley.) this is the year that it’s going to be extraordinary This is the year that James Potter got Lily Evens to fall for him, this is the year that Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny got together, this is the year that I will get Jake Thomas to fall for me.
This is my year.
I hate being a twin.
What lead me to this bold statement? Let me play you out this morning’s scenario:
Mum: Roxy! Fred! We have letters for you from Hogwarts!
*Fred and I run down the stairs exceptionally fast while Mum scolds them for the amount of noise they make.*
Me: Gimme my letter!
Freddie: Noooo! Gimme mine first!
Mum: Both of you shut up, I’ve left them on the table for you. *Point to the two Hogwarts encrusted letters on the dining table.*
Dear Miss Weasley,
We are pleased to inform you that after careful deliberation we have appointed you as the new co-captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. We hope you take great pleasure in your achievement and lead your house to victory.
Charms Professor/ Head of Ravenclaw House.
Me: *pumps fist in the air and proceeds to do a funny sort of victory dance.*
Fred: *watches sister in amusement while smiling at his own letter* What did yours say?
Me: I GOT MADE QUIDDITCH CAPTAIN!
Fred: OHMYGOD SAME!
Mum: *watches in amusement as we come to realise that we are both quidditch captains.*
Fred*Stares at me evily* GET AWAY FROM ME TRAITOR.
Me: What do you mean traitor?
Fred: I MEAN THAT YOU BETRAYED US, THIS WHOLE FAMILY, YOU ARE NOW THE ENEMY!
*Then proceeds to run upstairs while stealing evil glances at me behind his shoulder as though I’m going to steal his non-existent game plans.*
Yes, that is right. I am the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain. (co-captain really, but who gives a shit.) My brother also happens to be the Gryffindor Co-Captain along with, yes you guessed it.
James Sirius Potter. My dearest cousin, bitter rival and quite possibly one of the most annoying git faces to walk the planet. Not to mention a Quidditch Nazi, I’m not even joking since the age of five after watching his mother play for the Holyhead Harpies the boy has got it into his pretty little head that he will become a professional Quidditch player, and he will go to any extent to do so.
If he weren’t my cousin I’d just mindlessly hate him. But he is my cousin, and Nana Molly hates it when we fight so we both agreed to put up a truce when in front of her and agreed to leave our differences at school.
So really, when I find out that I’m Quidditch Captain my excitement is short lived because guess who comes popping into my bedroom?
My adoring brother Fredrick! And who has he brought along with him? Ah, my dearest cousin James!
“What do you want.” Honestly, do not judge my behaviour right now, I was previously totally chilled, day dreaming about Jake, and winning the Quidditch Cup, but then Douchface and Mr. I’m-gonna-ruin-Roxy’s-morning-cause-I’m-a-douche had to come on in and kill my buzz, which totally justifies my hostility.
“Roxy! My favourite relative!” James says enthusiastically as both he and Fred proceed to sit on either side of me leaving me trapped.
Now most females would be in heaven if they were to be in this position with James Potter and Fred Weasley, but let us not forget that this is my cousin and brother. We shared a bath when we were little.
I see Fred pick his nose. On a daily basis.
“Now now my dearest sister, we have an offer for you-“
“Throw the Cup this year.” James finishes, smirking at me.
Ok. No way in hell. They can be as pissed at me all they like but there is no way in Hades that I am throwing that cup. This is my year!
THIS IS MY BLOODY YEAR! NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.
I smiled sweetly at them both, then proceeded to give them each a kiss on the cheek while explaining that they should get it into their thick little heads that this is MY year.
And no one. I repeat no one is going to bring me down.
A/N: Hi, this story sort of came into my head because I guessed there weren’t many Roxanne fics out there. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
10/04/2012- This story will be going through a few minor edits, here and there there happen to be quite a few mistakes:)