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Chapter 4: Thanks for the Memories
We were broken up. Finished. Done. Over. I never thought I'd see the day that Nikolas and I were no longer together, but here it was. It felt horrible. I felt empty inside, like I was just a cold, hard shell.
I walked back to my common room slowly, feeling numb. I took no notice of my surroundings. I walked up to my dormitory, fell on my bed, and threw the covers over my head. I couldn't even cry, I was all cried out now. Before long, Pansy, Ana, and Leanne had appeared.
"Spence, it's time for dinner." Ana said.
I didn't reply, I just laid there silently. They realized I wasn't coming, so they left me alone. Alone. That's all I'd ever be now that Nik had left me. I didn't want to be with anyone else, ever again. There was no point, no one was like Nik.
The next day, I stayed in bed. I was suffering from a broken heart and I refused to be around people. I refused to see my Nikolas and that mudblood,Granger together. After lessons, again, my friends approached me at my bed.
"Spencer, what the hell is wrong with you?" Pansy asked.
"My heart is broken." I replied from under my covers.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
I sighed, taking the cover off my head. "Nik and I are officially over." Hearing the words out loud was much worse than hearing them in my head.
"What? He broke up with you?" Leanne asked.
"No, but yesterday, I caught him snogging Granger. He went back to her after everything. So…I assume we're over, since they're together."
"Oh, hun, we're sorry." Ana said. "Do you need a smoke?"
"No." I said firmly. "I know you guys miss the old me, but she's gone, forever. Along with Nikolas…"
"Well, at least we have you." Leanne said smiling.
I couldn't even muster up a smile.
"Spence, don't be so depressed." Pansy said. "You don't need Nikolas, there are other guys. Maybe you and Blaise could try again?"
"No!" I exclaimed. "What Blaise and I had wasn't a relationship, it was an obsession. You saw the way I followed him around, pining desperately for his attention, even if I only got a second of it."
I shook my head. "I really thought what we had was love. I put up with his shit, because, I thought I needed to be with him. Thank Merlin I realized it wasn't love. Being cheated on and ignored and used."
"Wait, you thought you loved Blaise, but you don't know about Nikolas?" Ana asked.
"Blaise is the reason I don't know." I said, sighing. "I'm too scared of falling into that obsession again and I don't want that to happen with Nikolas. I want to know for sure. But that doesn't matter anymore, anyways, though."
"You'll get through this, Spencer." Pansy said quietly.
Yeah, I don't know if I will."
Being depressed sucked. Especially when you were trying to act like you're not depressed. I didn't want people to know how torn up I was over the break up. I kept my composure like everything was fine, clearly it wasn't.
I was constantly reminded of my sadness, because it seemed Nikolas was everywhere. Even if he wasn't, everything reminded me of him. We had done so much together, and we had so many memories, it was hard to forget.
I couldn't even eat without having some memory come back. Like, one day, there was pudding for dessert, and I was immediately reminded of the first time Nikolas met my family.
It was our first summer together. He was nervous, I was nervous, and I just wanted to make sure my family didn't try to screw things up for me and Nik. They, of course did.
When he got there, everyone was polite, except for my brother, Steven,who hated Nikolas from school. I didn't know why, and I didn't give a damn. While we were having dinner, Nik excused himself to go to the bathroom, but I knew he was really trying to compose himself, because my family is what people call 'out of control'.
The moment he left, my mum turned to me. "Break up with him." She said.
"What?! Hell no!" I exclaimed.
"Spencer, how many times do we have to tell you? No cursing at the dinner table." My dad said. "And listen to your mum."
"No, I'm not breaking up with him, I like him." I said.
"Well we don't" Steven said.
"Shut up, it's none of your damn business who I date!" I snapped.
"Again with the cursing." My dad said.
"Oh, I'm sorry I'm cursing at the fucking table, I'll stop when I can date whoever the hell I want!" I said, trying not to yell.
"Damn it, Spencer, you shouldn't be with someone like him." Steven said.
"How come the prick gets to curse at the table and I can't?" I asked.
"Spencer, calm down, and stop being so over dramatic." Mum said. "You know you and this boy are wrong for eachother and to continue this relationship is nonsense."
"Bullshit!" I said. "I've finally met a nice guy, and I'm not gonna dump him just cause you guys don't like him. I don't care about your opinions that much."
"Well, that was kind of bitchy." Dad said.
"Hypocrite!" I exclaimed. "You cursed at the table!"
"Sorry." Dad said.
"But that was bitchy." Steven said.
"Hey, you stupid git, why don't you take that fork you're holding and shove it up your-"
"Spencer!" Mum said.
"You don't know what I was going to say."
"Yes I do. Now-"
"Shut up, Nik is coming back." I whispered
"This conversation isn't over." Dad said.
"Whatever." I muttered.
I smiled as Nikolas sat back down. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?" He asked smiling at me.
"No." I said simply. "You didn't miss a thing."
"I'll go get dessert." Mum said getting up. She a bowl of pudding down infront of everyone.
"This is really good, Mrs. Cassel." Nikolas said.
"Oh, why thank you." Mum said, smiling, genuinely. She's so easily swayed.
I smiled at Nik and noticed that he had some pudding on his face. "You got some pudding on your face, babe." I said pointing.
"Could you get it off?" He asked sweetly. So I did it in a way that would piss my family off the most. I licked it off.
That's when Steven threw his pudding at me and Nikolas. It was alot of pudding, too. "You arsehole!" I said angrily. I threw my pudding at him, he got it full in the face.
"You bitch!" He yelled. And then he threw the meatloaf we had earlier on me.
I threw my drink. In short, there was a food fight. We were all messes afterwards, but I had to admit it was funny.
And now I'm staring at the pudding, smiling to myself and my friends are looking at me like I'm insane. I don't blame them.
"Um, Spencer, are you okay?" Ana asked.
"I'm fine." I lied.
I looked at Nikolas, wondering if he was remembering meeting my family. I don't think he was.
I was laying in bed that night, thinking about Nik meeting my family for the first time,and I started remembering meeting his family for the first time.
I was so nervous. I really hoped they would like me. But I knew from the moment I sat down, they didn't. But I still tried to be charming.
No one said much,until:
"Nikolas, I need to tell you something." His mum said.
"What is it, Mum?" He asked.
"Break up with this girl." She said.
It seemed like everyone stopped what they were doing. I couldn't believe she said that, while I was sitting right there. At least my family had the decency to wait until Nik went to the bathroom.
"What?!" Nikolas asked shocked.
"You heard me, break up with her, right now. You shouldn't be with her in the first place. This relationship you have is inappropriate"
I was relieved when Nikolas said "No."
"Excuse me?" His mum asked.
"I said no." Nik said firmly.
She turned to me. "Sarah, is it? You are no longer dating my son."
"Her name is Spencer, and she is still dating me. You don't get to decide who I date, Mum." Nikolas said angrily
"Maybe I should, considering, you make terrible choices!" She said giving me a dirty look.
I noticed how none of Nikolas's other family members said anything. His sister was glaring at me. She clearly didn't like me either. His brother caught my eye and winked at me. Gross. His dad merely sat there, with no expression.
"You know what, Mum?" Nik said. "I don't give a fuck what you say, I'm not breaking up with Spencer!"
His mum gasped. "Nikolas! We do not use that kind of language in this house, you know that!"
"I'm not a child, I'll use whatever language I want." He said defiantly.
Again his mum turned to me. "You!" She said. "You did this to him, you turned my sweet, respectful Nikolas into a defiant boy who makes bad decisions! This is all your fault, you dispicable girl!"
Before I can tell her how mental she is, Nikolas yells. "How dare you speak to my girlfriend like that?!"
"How dare you bring this girl into my house?!" She yells back. "She isn't worthy of you, Nikolas, and you know it."
Nik got up abruptly and stormed out of the room.
Everyone was silent for a moment. "Mrs. Mewes, I know you hate me, but I care about your son so much. I realize he's too good for me. I know I'm not like his last girlfriend, and I don't have top grades, and I'm not a prefect, and I most definitely won't be Head Girl. I know he can do so much better…but I think I make him happy. Shouldn't that be all that matters?" I said calmly.
Mrs. Mewes scoffed. "I'm sorry, was I supposed to like you after that little speech?" She asked maliciously. "What do you take me for?"
I stood up. "I'd tell you, but my parents taught me not to curse at the dinner table. But I can tell you, it rhymes with 'witch'." I walked out, in search of Nikolas.
"Nik?" I called. "Nik, where are you?" I found him out front. His back was to me, but I could tell he was pissed. "Nikolas?" I asked quietly, approaching him.
I touched his shoulder gently, but he shrugged me off, making me flinch. "I suppose you're going to break up with me now, aren't you?" He said.
"Why would I do that?" I asked, confused.
"Because my family hates you. My mum called you dispicable." He said.
"I don't care." I said simply. "I mean, it's my fault. I should have at least taken out my piercings to make a better impression, and my jeans have a hole in them and-"
"Spencer." Nikolas interupted,turning to face me. "It's not your fault one bit. I love your nose piercing, and I love the fourteen piecings in your ears. And the hole in your jeans is sexy. Those things make you who you are, and I wouldn't change a thing about you."
I smiled. But, I still knew I could have tried a bit harder. At least I wore the peach cardigan Nik got me for my birthday. It was very nice and classy. And Nikolas smiled when he saw me wearing it.
Nikolas sighed and turned away from me again. "I just wish I was good enough for you."
I was shocked to hear that. I always thought he was too good for me. I thought everyone knew that he was too good for me too.
I wrapped my arms around him from behind. "Nik, you are good enough for me. In fact, you're too good for me." I said honestly.
"You're just saying that to make me feel better." He said quietly.
"That doesn't mean it isn't true." I said. "And if it makes you feel any better, my parents hate you too."
"Really?" Nik asked hopefully, turning around.
"Yes. The minute you left to use the bathroom, they told me to break up with you. Mum said our relationship was nonsense." I said smiling.
Nikolas kissed me. "That's so great to hear. I do feel better now."
"Good." I said grabbing his hand.
"You wanna get out of here?" He asked.
I nodded. "Pansy is having a party." I said.
"Well, let's go."
I woke up, comfortably, remembering that day. Our families not wanting us together, brought us closer.
I go throughout the day, just thinking about that. How much closer we got. Then I start thinking our first time having sex.
I remember, I wanted it more than Nik did. He had never done it,and I was what some called an expert at it. I tried not to pressure him, I just let him go as far as he wanted and let him stop when he wanted to. I'd be lying if I said that it was easy, because it wasn't. I just wished he could lose control for one night and we could make love. It didn't exactly happen like that.
"Spencer, we need to talk about something." Nikolas said sitting down across from me in the library.
"What?" I asked, hoping he wasn't talking about breaking up.
"What about it?" I asked looking around, seeing if anyone could hear us.
"I want to have sex with you." He said simply.
"Oh, okay." I said. "Should we do it right now on this table?"
"Very funny." Nikolas said sarcastically. "I don't want it planned though. Well, I don't want you knowing ahead of time. I want it to be spontaneous."
"All right fine." I smiled.
Two weeks, I waited, and nothing happened. We just fooled around, and went as far as we usually did. And when I wasn't even thinking about it, it happened.
We were in his room, on his bed, snogging. He put his hand up my shirt, nothing new. I took off his shirt, same old, same old. Nik took of my shirt, completely normal. He unbuttoned my skirt, happened before. I unbuttoned his pants, done a few times.
I was only wearing my bra and underwear, and Nik only had on his boxers, now that was something new. He fumbled with the hook on my bra. "Is this really happening?" I whispered.
"Yeah, it is." Nikolas said, sounding nervous. We stopped for a moment. It was the most intense moment of my life.
He stared at me, I stared at him. All I wanted was for the rest of our clothes to come off, and to feel his body against mine. I just wanted him to make love to me and pleasure me more than anyone else had.
I felt an urge to say I loved him. But I didn't say it, I was silent. "I'm ready." Nikolas said, and I knew it was actually going to happen.
As I remembered this, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened, had I said I loved him at that moment. I knew I most definitely wouldn't be depressed, and being forced to live in the past in order to have some kind of interaction with Nik.
I knew my friends were worried about me. I walked around school silently, almost like a ghost. I didn't laugh anymore. And the only time I smiled was when I was thinking about some memory that I shared with Nikolas. I was going mental without him.
On my way to one of my classes (lately, I barely knew what class I was in) I saw a couple surrounded by their friends. They were blocking the hall. "It's our one year anniversary." The girl gushed.
One year anniversary. I remembered mine and Nik's. Nikolas surprised me by planning a picnic on the beach. I had never been to the beach. It was so beautiful. He had a small table, with a bucket of roses and candles, and pudding. It was amazing and romantic.
I remember at one point, Nik and I were play fighting, and then suddenly, he grabbed my arm and kissed me. There was something different about that kiss. I completely lost myself in it. I realized, I never wanted to kiss anyone else ever again.
Again, I thought about saying I loved him, and again, I didn't. Looking back now, I knew Nik loved me then, and if I said it, he would have said it back immediately. And we would be happy together.
These memories were taking a toll on me. Every day, I was reminded of something we had done together. Firewhiskey reminded me of when Nik got drunk for the first time with me on a bridge. We were laying on the ground, giggling non stop, and Nikolas lost his shoes somehow.
Trees reminded me of when Nikolas gave me a piggy back ride through a forest near my house, after I twisted my ankle. A bloody string reminded me of when Nik tied a string around my finger, and I drew a heart on it and told him that my finger loved him. Why couldn't I have said I loved him intead of my stupid finger?
And everyday when I put on my shoes, I was reminded of him. He loved Converese just as much as I did. He still wore them everyday. Sometimes we'd wear the same ones, but it didn't matter anymore, since we were broken up.
Is this what my life would be like? Constantly being reminded of Nikolas? If it was, then I just wanted my life to just be over. Or I wanted him to come back to me.
"Spencer, why are you so depressed?" Pansy asked me.
"Nikolas." I said simply.
"What about him?" She asked.
"I miss him."
"Why?" Leanne asked.
"What do you mean why?" I asked.
"We mean, what's so special about him?" Ana said. "Why can't you just forget about him and move on?"
"Because I miss him!" I exclaimed. "I can't live happily without him. I need him! And I love him!"
"What?" Pansy asked, a smile on her face.
"I love him." I repeated. "I love him. I have to go."
"Where are you going?" Ana asked.
"To tell Nik I love him."
"But, he's with Granger." Pansy said.
"I don't care, he has to know how I feel." I ran out of the common room, all the way to Head's common room. By the time I got there, I was crying. I wasn't completely sure why.
I put my ear against the door, I heard Granger laughing and say "You're funny, Nikolas."
I was so scared Nik wouldn't take me back. What if he wanted to stay with her? But I knew I had to at least try to get him back.
"I'll be back, I need to use the bathroom." Granger said. I knew it was time.
I knocked on the door. "Nik." I cried. "It's me, Spencer. Please come back, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know how much you meant to me, okay? I'm sorry I took everything we had for granted. Just please, come back to me. I can't live without you, I need you. And I miss you. And I love you. I love you, Nik, okay? Just give me one more chance."
There was silence on the other side. I knew he was thinking it over. I also knew I only had to wait for ten seconds to see if he would take me back. Nikolas had told me that if he couldn't forgive someone ten seconds after they apologized, he'd never forgive them. As I waited, I counted in my head, scared out of my mind.
Hi. Sorry for the cliff hanger, please don't hate me. So, the next chapter is the last one. Thanks to everyone who read, reveiwed, and favorited this story. This story is very close to home, because this actually happened to me, not all this stuff, of course. Unfortunately, I was in Spencer's place. But it's okay now, things worked out. But will it work out for Spencer and Nik? You'll see! Thanks for reading! :)