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Chapter 2: Letting Go
Nikolas stared at me in disbelief. His jaw clenched and he stepped away from me.
"I-I" I try to say something, anything, but I can't.
"Thanks? That's all you have to say?!" Nikolas asked angrily.
"No, I didn't mean that." I said quickly.
"Then what did you mean Spencer?" He asked.
"I don't know." I said quietly.
"Well, do you love me or not?" Nikolas asked, searching my face for some sort of answer or explanation as to why this happened.
"I…don't know." I repeated. "Please don't be mad, Nik."
"Why would I be mad?!" He said sarcastically. "The girl I've been dating for a year and a half doesn't know if she loves me! What's so bad about that?!"
"You know, Spencer, I've loved you for awhile now. And I didn't tell you because I didn't want to scare you away or pressure you. I wanted to wait for the right time."
"And you thought this was the right time?" I asked.
"You mean while we're standing here talking about our future together and what would happen if we got married and had kids? Yes I thought this would be the perfect time. I also thought you would say you loved me too."
"Well, this is alot to handle." I said.
"Oh, come on Spence, you had to see this coming. We've been together a year and a half. I think you should know by now how you feel about me." Nikolas said.
I should know how I feel about him, but I don't. I mean, I would do anything for him, I needed him. My life would be nothing without Nikolas, but saying I loved him was a big step. That would be fully giving myself to him. There would be no turning back. And I was too scared to do that.
"I'm sorry." I said quietly.
Nikolas shook his head. "Sorry isn't going to change the fact that you don't love me."
"I never said I didn't love you." I said quickly.
"Yeah, but you never said you did. Not knowing is the same thing as not loving me."
"No it's not."
"To me it is." He said.
I bit my lip and stared at him. I could easily see the anger subsiding, but the pain of somewhat rejection was now coming. He shook his head again and then ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm going to go for a walk." He said quietly.
"I'll go with you." I said.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Nikolas said.
"Why?" I asked, knowing I probably didn't want to know the answer.
"Because I need to be alone and have time to think." He walked away looking defeated.
I sighed deeply, and walked away too. I didn't see Nikolas for the rest of the day, until dinner. He still looked upset.
"Is something wrong?" Pansy asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Things between you and Nikolas seem tense." She said.
"Everything is fine." I assured myself, more than her.
Pansy shrugged. "All right then."
After dinner, I approached Nikolas. "Hey." I said.
"Hey." He said back. We were silent for a few moments. "So, um tonight, I don't think we should sleep together. I still need a little alone time, all right?"
I nodded, trying not to appear as hurt as I really was. I knew he didn't want alone time, he wanted time away from me. I could tell things weren't getting any better any time soon.
"It's just for one night." He assured me. He gave me short kiss and then he was off.
I looked after him. I really hoped we could move past this. I walked back to the common room.
"Where's Nikolas?" Ana asked.
"Um, we're spending the night away from eachother." I said. They all gave me worried looks. "It's just for tonight, he's not feeling well." I lied.
"Oh." Leanne said, believing me.
Getting to sleep that night was difficult. I hadn't slept alone in so long, I felt so lonely. In the end, I sent a house elf to get me extra pillows and I put them underneath my cover, just so I could feel like someone was there. I finally fell asleep.
The next day, it seemed Nikolas was avoiding me like a plague. Apparently, he needed more time to think. That scared the shit out of me. The more time he had to think meant more time spent away from me. But after lessons he came up to me.
"We need to talk." He said.
I nodded and sat down. He sat down next to me and put his hand over mine.
"Spencer, I don't know how to say this, but-"
"Are you breaking up with me?" I whispered.
"No…not exactly." He said. "Look, Spencer, we just need some time apart. We need to let go for awhile."
"Is this because I don't know if I love you?" I asked, my voice breaking.
"No. Well, yes. But, this is what's best for both of us right now. If we take a break, then you won't feel pressured to say you love me and I won't feel hurt because you don't know."
"Nikolas, please." I said as the tears slid down my face. "Please don't do this. Can't we just work it out?"
"Baby,this is the only way to work it out." He said softly.
"I don't want to let go." I whispered.
"It's only for awhile, Spence. We both just need to figure out what we want and need. I don't want to do this either, but I'm afraid it has to be done." Nikolas said squeezing my hand. He looked up at me. "Hey, don't cry. I promise, it's just a break."
Breaks lead to breaking up, I thought. "This break, does this mean we see other people?" I asked. I wasn't going to see anyone else, but I wanted to know if he was.
Nikolas paused for a second. "We do whatever feels right." I notice how he completely avoided my question, which was another way of saying there was probably someone else. This made me cry even more.
"I'm sorry." He said getting up, but I held on to his hand. I had to try once more to get him to stay.
"Nik, please don't let go. Please." I cried.
"I have to." He choked out. He looked as though he would cry too.
I closed my eyes knowing what I had to do. It killed me to do it. I looked down at our entertwined fingers and did the one thing I never wanted to do. The thing that made me feel like my heart was getting ripped out.
I let go.