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Chapter 1: When Minnie Goes Crazy
A/N Hi everybody! This is a story I made. (duh. I'm posting it, aren't I?) I know some people have done this idea before, but I'm going to try to make it orginal. Which will be easy, cause I don't think anyone has ever done it with Lily Potter II.
Hang on, before I forget, Disclaimer! I don't own Harry Potter!
Read on! =(^.^)=
That’s it. It's official. Professor M. McGonagall has gone insane. Crazy. Deranged. Out of her fucking mind.
All of us seventh years stared at her as she made the announcement. For our seventh year, we would be staying in houses for eight months. With a person of the other gender. We would be pretending to be a young married couple.
“Help me, Hugh.” I said, burying my face into my cousin’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Lils.” Hugo said, rubbing my back.
“You will also have one child each!” McGonagall announced. I groaned and began pounding my head into the table.
I can see the headlines now: Famous, Attractive, Mega-Awesome Lily Potter, daughter of the Boy-Who-Lived, dies from extensive brain damage.
The paparazzi would have a field day.
I wish Rose was still here. She would know what to do in a situation like this.
…or she would get paired off with Scorpius and make little attractive babies.
Probably the second option.
McGonagall started listing off names. Lucy, one of my cousins, got paired with Daniel Finnegan. Bianca, my best friend, got paired with Brian Harrison, who she hates. Finally, I heard my name.
“Lily Potter, Aiden Jones!”
I almost screamed, and Hugo looked at McGonagall like she was insane.
“Is she fucking insane?” He asked. “Does she want the whole neighborhood blown up?”
McGonagall must have finally lost it after all those years of teaching Weasleys and Potters.
“Help me, Hugo.” I whimpered. “Lily Potter?” McGonagall asked again. Hugo gave me a little push, and I slowly got up and walked toward Minnie and Jones.
“Potter,” Jones snarled. “Jones,” I hissed. McGonagall looked a bit worried, like she was rethinking our partnership.
Too late now, Minnie.
“Both of you put a hand on the baby doll,” McGonagall said. I reluctantly placed my right hand on the doll, and Jones placed his left. McGonagall muttered something, and the baby suddenly came to life.
“It’s a girl.” She announced. I looked at the baby. It had red hair and hazel eyes, like Jones’s. It had a button nose and dimples.
The baby had frigging dimples.
How is that even possible?
“It got my genes!” I said, just to annoy Jones. “Yeah right,” Jones said. “It got my eyes.”
“It got my hair.” I countered.
“It got my smile!”
“It got my nose!”
“Your nose is so ugly I want to throw up just looking at it.” Jones said. “Aiden Jones, you just insulted your child!” I yelled. “It’s a piece of plastic with a wonky charm on it!” He yelled. “It has your genes!” I shouted. He opened his mouth to say something else, probably extremely obscene, when I plucked an apple off of the Staff Table and stuffed it into his open mouth. He struggled for a bit—trying to spit it out, the git—until Minnie finally came to her senses and grabbed the apple out of his mouth.
“What the fuck, Potter—“
“Aw, why’d you do that, Aunt Minnie, I like him so much better that way--!”
“Enough!” McGonagall said, her nostrils flaring. “You two will pose as a married couple—it is part of your grade!” I pouted. “Can I switch partners?” I asked. “No! This also teaches you to work together!” She said. “Come on, Potter.” Jones said, grabbing my upper forearm and dragging me away. I snagged the baby’s leg and pulled it with me. “Lily Potter!” McGonagall yelled. “Pick that poor child up right now!” I huffed, but picked the baby up. “Let go of me, Jones.” I ordered. He ignored me. “Let go of me, Jones!” I said again. He still ignored me. I sat down. He tried to tug me forward, but he couldn’t. I stuck my tongue out at him. He sighed, but took out his wand, shrunk the baby, stuck it carefully in his chest pocket, and picked me up off the ground and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
“LET ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO!” I screamed, pounding on Jones’s back. “Shut up, Potter.” He said, bouncing me a little on his shoulder. I let out an ‘oof.’ “THAT REALLY HURT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!” I screamed. “Shut up, Potter, you’re going to wake Sawyer!” He told me. “Aiden Jones, we are not naming our baby Sawyer!” I told him. “Her name is Luna.”
“Why Luna?” He asked. “Because I want to name her Luna, dammit! Let me down!” He finally put me down. Minnie got done with the last pair and came over to us Seventh Years with an old rusty can. “Miss Potter, Mr. Jones, where is your baby?” She asked. We glanced at each other. “Where is it?” McGonagall asked. “It’s his entire fault!” I blurt out as Jones took Luna out of his pocket. “You shrank your baby?” She asked incredulously. “Yep!” I said cheerfully. “We don’t like her!” Jones nodded, handing the tiny Luna to Minnie. She enlarged Luna and handed her back to Jones. “You must keep this baby.” She said.
“Fine,” I said grumpily. “But don’t be surprised if we get arrested for murdering our own child.” McGonagall gave me a look. I crossed my arms and looked away. She sighed.
“Everyone put a finger on the portkey.” McGonagall said. I stuck my right index finger on the rim of the can. As soon as the last person put her finger on it, it glowed with blue light, and I felt the familiar tug behind my naval. Seconds later, we appeared in a neighborhood with several houses.
“I have your house numbers here,” McGonagall called. Jones tossed me Luna (who I caught, thanks to my superior Chasing skills) and got the house number from McGonagall. He came back and told me, “It’s 5077.” I scanned the houses until I found it. “Right in the middle.” I said. I marched to the house with Luna, Jones trailing after us. I walked up the driveway, and Jones inserted one of the keys he was given into the keyhole. The door swung open to reveal an entryway, then two steps up, a platform, and then two other staircases.
“It’s a split level house!” I squealed in excitement. “If we go downstairs—” I tossed Luna to Jones. “—then there should be a secret room!” I ran down the stairs and scanned the walls of the room for a door. I found a small square section of the wall that was outlined by a crack and hinges. It looked just big enough for Jones to crawl through. “Come here, Jones!” I yelled. He ran downstairs, holding a bloody Luna.
“I didn’t catch her.” Jones explained. “You didn’t catch her?” I shrieked. “You were the one who threw her at me!” Jones yelled. “Oh my god, we’re going to get arrested!” I said hysterically. “Relax, Potter,” Jones said as he pulled out his WizPhone. Seconds later, Hugo appeared in the room with a crack. “You broke your baby?” He demanded.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention. Hugo and Jones? Best mates.
“It wasn’t my fault! Potter threw her at me!” Jones said. “You didn’t catch her!” I told him. “You’re supposed to be bloody good at catching things, for Merlin’s sake, you’re the bloody Seeker for the bloody Quidditch Team!”
“Both of you shut up!” Hugo commanded. Jones and I fell silent, glaring at each other. “She broke almost every bone in her body,” Hugo reported, feeling Luna. “Oi, Weasley, stop molesting my kid.” Jones barked. Hugo rolled his eyes. “I can heal her, easy.” He pointed his wand at Luna and she glowed with blue light.
“There.” Hugo said. “Try not to throw her around anymore, alright?” Jones and I nodded. “Alright, gotta get back to Hailey.” Hugh said, rubbing his hands together. I rolled my eyes, and Jones looked jealous. Hailey McLaggen was the biggest skank around, everyone knew that. Hugo had probably already been snogged senseless; never mind the fact that she had a boyfriend.
“Idiot,” I called as Jones said, “Good luck, mate.” We started, and then glared at each other. We did this a lot, due to the fact that Hugo was best friends with both of us, so he went with us everywhere. It was like James sticking poor Roxanne with Freddy and Bryce Williams all the time, or Al sticking Rose with Scorpius, or Lysander sticking Dom with Lorcan.
Of course, Roxy ended up with Bryce, and Rose is married to Scorp, and Dom is dating Lorcan after that fuck up with Ly, but there is no way that Jones and I will ever end up together.
I know what you’re thinking. Famous last words.
Well, then, you should know what I’m thinking.
It goes along the lines of Shut the fuck up.
Don’t question me. I’m Lily Luna Potter; I’ll do whatever I want.
“McGonagall would.” Jones complained.
“What?” I asked. “We have no food.” He said. “Oh, I know how to solve that.” I said. I took out my wand and said, “Accio Hugo Weasley.” Jones laughed. “Are you sure that’ll work?” He asked. “Wait for it….” I told him. There was a crash, and Hugo flew to a stop in front of me. His hair was mussed up and his lips swollen. He also had splinters in his hair.
“Already snogging McLaggen?” I asked disapprovingly. “You interrupted me.” He said. “Good,” I told him. “She has a boyfriend.” Hugo started. “She does?” He asked. “Yeah, it’s me.” Jones said. “Really?” I asked excitedly. “Go back to snogging her, quickly, Hugh!” Hugo rolled his eyes, and said, “Mate, I’m sorry, she just came at me…why didn’t you say something earlier?” Jones shrugged. “I knew she wouldn’t last. Tell her I’m breaking up with her.” Hugo grinned. “Thanks, man!” He said, and sprinted out the door.
“Hang on, kid, I’m not done with you.” I said, grabbing his hood. We had all changed into Muggle clothes. I was wearing an olive green sweater and dark blue skinny jeans. Jones had just taken off his robes and changed into jeans. Even I had to admit that he was somewhat attractive, with his dark brown hair and intelligent green eyes.
“What do you want?” He whined. “Get us food.” I ordered. “Do it yourself.” He said. “Hugo Billius Weasley, get me food right now or I will remove your manhood with a rusty spoon and hang it on a tree where the owls can eat it.” Hugo gulped and turned back to me. “But—but—”
“Dude, have you seen the garage?” Jones asked as he ran back into the kitchen. “Oh, Jones, I didn’t even notice you were gone. Please, do it again sometime!” I said. Jones rolled his eyes, but he went on. “McGonagall stuck a sports car in it!”
“What?!” Hugo asked, gaping. “She stuck a sports car in your garage? Is she insane?” I laughed. “No, she’s bloody brilliant! I think I want to go to the grocery store now!” I ran out of the kitchen, laughing like a maniac, with Jones following closely behind.
“No, Lily, Aiden, come back! Please! Neither of you know how to drive, you’ll get yourselves arrested!” But we weren’t listening. Jones jumped into the driver’s seat and gunned the engine, and our car screeched out of the driveway.
“I told you two!” Hugo yelled. “I told you! But what do you do? You go and get arrested!” Jones and I exchanged shifty grins. “Sorry, Hugh!” I said. “We didn’t mean to!” Jones nodded imploringly. “You ran over an old man, a hobo, you crashed into the grocery store, and you totaled your car.” Hugo said, listing off our crimes.
“Well, it’s a shame about the man,” I began. “A shame?” Hugo asked incredulously. “You put him in the hospital!”
“But chances are no one even cared about the hobo,” I continued. “You nearly killed him!” Hugo yelled.
“And it’s a good thing you Weasley/Potters are rich, so the grocery store doesn’t really matter,” Jones said. “Doesn’t matter?” Hugo asked.
“And the car wasn’t even ours. I bet Minnie’ll even give us a new one!” I finished triumphantly. Hugo made a disbelieving noise in his throat. “What was that, Hugh?” Jones asked. “You two are terrible,” Hugo said. “That poor, poor child of yours.”
“Luna’ll have a great eight months of her low-quality, animated life!” I said defensively. “What’d you name your child? Godric? I feel for yours. Poor Godric will have to watch you and McLaggen fuck. Before you know it, you’ll have a real child on your hands!” Hugo blanched. “That’ll never happen.” He said. “It might! That’s what Rose said when I told her she’d marry Scorpius, and look at her now! I’m physic!” I told him.
Jones made a sound like a dying cat. I looked over to see him choking on a bit of his own spit. I thumped him on the back. He started laughing. Hugo looked in the mirror over his head to check on us. “You okay, mate?” He asked. “Fine,” Jones said.
We pulled into the driveway. “Luna!” I exclaimed, just remembering our child. I jumped out of the car and ran inside. When I got to the kitchen, Luna was tied down on the counter, just as we’d left her. A note was taped to the refrigerator.
Don’t get too impressed. I only know what it is because I saw one at this muggle store I shopped at and Dad explained it to me.
We were only shopping there to avoid the wizarding paparazzi.
Don’t judge us!
The note said,
I came over to visit (and to get away from Harrison and the little brat we named Ryan. The little fucker rhymed our baby’s name with his. Why does karma hate me?) And you weren’t there. Hugo was, though, he said something about you getting arrested. I hope it’s not true, Lils. Your kid was tied down to the table. Why?
Call me! Our telephone number is (952)-232-9571.
I grinned. Bianca was paired with her worst enemy, just like me. Bianca and Brian were different in every way. Bianca was a brunette, Brian was blonde. Bianca had startling blue eyes. Brian’s eyes were brown. Bianca was short. Brian was tall. Bianca was kind of a prude. Brian was a total playboy. Bianca got good grades, Brian’s grades were horrible.
You know. The clique good girl/bad boy love story.
I picked up the telephone (again, don’t get too impressed. I only know what it is because Aunt Hermione invented the WizPhone, and she explained muggle phones to us) and dialed Bianca’s number.
“Hello?” A voice asked. Brian.
“Hey, Brian, is Bianca there?” I asked politely. I didn’t really have a problem with Brian. He didn’t do anything to me and he’s not in Slytherin, so I don’t mind him. Apparently, he’s Bianca’s neighbor, and he tortured her when they were little.
“Yeah, I’ll get her.” Brian said. “Laurent!” He yelled. Seconds later, Bianca was on the phone, bombarding me with questions.
“Lily! Hugo told me you and Jones got arrested! I hope you didn’t, that’ll go on your permanent record, you know. Oh, are you hurt? Did Jones do something? Tell him I’ll bloody kill him—”
“Bianca, calm down!” I said, barely holding in my laughter. “I’m fine! Yes, I did get arrested, but Hugo confounded the officer, we’re fine! And I’m bored!” Bianca laughed. “How ‘bout you pull a prank on Jones?” She asked. “That’s great, Bianca!” I said.
Let the prank planning commence.
A/N: Alright, I'll admit, this chapter was a bit of a filler. But it'll get better, I promise! Pinky swear!!!!
Review please! Praise is preferred, criticism is welcome!