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Chapter 1: I
"You have some nerve, Potter!"
"But Lily Flower, Petal, I swear it was an accident!"
"Don't you 'Petal' me! An accident! Honestly! James, you had better start running because if I catch you, so help me, I will turn you into a slug!"
"Hey Prongs, how much do you suppose death-by-glaring would hurt? On a scale of one to ten?"
"Shut up, Sirius!" The fiery redhead woman turned her furious gaze upon her second victim who dared to interfere. "You're just as much a part of this as he is!"
The man called Sirius leant back further into the comfortable, worn out couch he sat upon and rolled his eyes, his grin broadening as he watched the scene unfold. Standing before him, setting the scene, was his best friend and his new bride, not quite so much blushing as turning a nasty shade of puce as her cheeks flushed with fury. Her emerald eyes were narrowed like a hawk as her anger radiated throughout the room, scary enough to make the most hardened criminal locked up in Azkaban quake in his boots, and still Sirius was determined to sign his own death wish and even hand her an axe to finish the job as he sat there, grinning with pure amusement as the situation got worse.
It wasn't even so bad, if Sirius was being completely honest. His friends should be happy, especially from their newfound news, not one hiding behind a protective spell and the other only moments from trying to obliterate it with wandless magic.
"I think you're blowing this way out of proportion here, Lily," Sirius began to explain calmly from his seat, with an air relaxation as if he were a muggle film director informing his cast of last minute changes to the script before filming was to commence. He shifted slightly, leaning further into the couch and tempted fate yet again by opening his mouth. "I mean, this happens every day, just, yanoe, differently-"
"Padfoot does have a point, love," James said quietly, wincing slightly as his wife turned to face him, anger radiating off her tiny form. Before she had a chance of opening her mouth, James also decided, spurred on by his best friends boldness, to tempt fate and placed his hands upon Lily's shoulders, somewhat comforting... mostly restraining.
He tilted his head slightly, trying to shield at least one eye from her in case she snapped and the aftermath resulted in serious damage, before continuing. "Think about it, at least they know now, right?"
"They know. THEY KNOW!" Lily shouted, wrenching herself free from her husbands hands and took one step forward, close enough to cause serious damage to a vast majority of places upon James' body if pushed much further. "Oh sure, they know..."
Quick as lightning, Lily had her wand out of her pocket and waved it around aggressively; Sirius lent forward and had his own wand in his hand in a heartbeat to undo whatever damage Lily had caused to James, but relaxed somewhat when he noticed that she was not in fact about to kill him, but rather had summoned a piece of parchment from another room. He watched, trying to hide his grin this time as it flew into her shaking open palm while James finally took a deep breath of relief for not having been hexed to oblivion, shortly followed by one of horror as he realised just what the offending document was.
His death wish, signed, sealed and delivered directly to Lily's unsuspecting parents sometime in the early hours of the morning and returned to him after breakfast with a lengthy response that his wife had read before he had the chance to stop her.
With a foul glance at both males daring to show their presence in her living room after their actions, Lily's fist curled around the letter and she raised it to shake animatedly in her husbands alarmed face. "How could you two do this?"
James shifted slightly and ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it worse than if he were flying around on his brand new Nimbus 1500 he had been given from Lily on his last birthday at high speeds, buying himself a few moments of time to savour the remainder of his life before it would be quickly snuffed out by the woman he loved. Thankfully, sensing his friends distress, Sirius sighed and lent forward, deciding to take a bullet for his best mate and have some peace restored to their married life, even if it meant he would not be allowed in their home for a long time to come.
"Well, after you told us the news, what would you expect? Honestly Lily, you can hardly blame the man; he's been going on about it for years and years-"
"Shut up, Padfoot," James hissed, realising that Sirius' words would only be seen in a negative light to Lily in her current mood. "Sirius doesn't know what he's talking about, sweetheart, ignore him. But he is right on one thing... you can hardly blame me for wanting to celebrate-"
Lily laughed, a harsh, unimpressed laugh, "oh, but if only that was what you did, James Potter!" She opened the letter currently squashed in her hand and held the writing up to his eyes, shaking it venomously in his face. "You got drunk and thought it would be a good idea to tell my parents I was pregnant!"
"Well, it's true though," Sirius interjected, voice filled with reason only to have a swarm of hornets leap from the tip of Lily's wand and fly straight towards him without any thought of stopping. "Whoa, Lily, calm down!" Sirius said as he leapt up from the couch and ran towards the large door leading outside, attempting to escape the swarm and the Queen Bee behind it all and in the process left James quite alone with his very irate, pregnant wife.
James gulped and had the decency to look ashamed, "I'm sorry Petal," he said softly, calling her by one of his many pet names for her that he had come up with over the years. He ran his fingers through his hair once more, noting from the corner of his eye that Lily was standing with her arms folded tightly across her chest, wand pointed safely away from him as she listened to what he said, but he could still feel the anger radiating off her. He knew he would be sleeping on the couch for many nights to come, if allowed inside at all.
"You should not have done that," Lily said, managing to keep her anger in check as she glared at James, hurt by his thoughtless actions more than she cared to let on, especially while Sirius was running around and shouting outside, trying to avoid being stung.
James nodded, head cast low as he put his hands in the pockets of his robes and stood uneasily, awaiting the verdict Lily was sure to give him; he had a distinct feeling it would be worse than hornets. "I know Lily, I'm sorry - very sorry," James said truthfully and looked up to see Lily contemplating him, quite ignoring the yelps in pain echoing throughout their quaint and comfortable cottage. He was alarmed to see Lily smirking back at him, a look of cunning wit across her features.
"Oh no James, you're not sorry, not yet. Just you wait and see," Lily's smirk became a smile, all anger wiped from her face and a look of calmness spread across her features, relaxing her position and making her seem back to her normal, pre-breakfast news state. James didn't know which version of his wife he should be more afraid of, the obviously enraged and psychotic version or the evil, plotting and revenge-seeking kind. Lily stood on tip-toes and placed a gentle kiss upon James' cheek and humming, turned away and set off in the direction of the kitchen, folding the letter in her hands as she went.
James gulped and fingered the end of his wand lightly, just in case, but when he heard the sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen he figured he was safe – for now. Feeling slightly uneasy, James cast one quick look after his wife before racing towards the doors leading outside, deciding to save Sirius before things got really out of hand.