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Chapter 30: Fragile Hope, Twists, Promises And Me
Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter. JK does. I am not that clever.
Authors Note: Hi! I’m so sorry for the long wait. I’ll try never to have that kind of wait again. I hope you’re all okay though and having a good day! I had writers block but I think it’s shifting but all your reviews inspired me to fight in and here we are at chapter thirty! I can’t believe we’re at chapter thirty! It’s taken four years, which is sort of awful but hey, we finally made it. So thank you for all your support, it means a lot to me. I know this isn’t the longest chapter but I guess it’s something.
If you like angst/funny next gens, with a whole new take on the characters then check out The Human Factor. It’s Albus/Oc if you like those sorts of things. I’m really enjoying writing it.
All chapters have images now made by the geniuses of TDA.
Comments and opinions are welcomed.
Chapter Thirty –
Fragile Hope, Twists, Promises And Me
I looked at her in a daze. Did Izzie just say what I think she did? Sirius was awake? Sirius was okay?
“Oi! Nellie!” She waved her hands in front of my face. “Did you hear what I said? Sirius is awake!” She was smiling at me.
My throat was dry as the desert. I tried to speak but I was simply flabbergasted. I wished that he would wake up every day and now that he finally had, I didn’t know what to do with the moment. I had a thousand questions and I didn’t know where to start.
“Nellie, snap out of it.” Izzie clicked her fingers in front of my face. “Let’s go! We have no time to lose.” She was in frenzy.
“How is he?” I asked as she dragged me up on the floor and we practically ran to the hospital wing. For once, I didn’t mind that I was running. Laziness had abandoned me and I felt like I was running on euphoria. Excitement buzzed in my bones. I couldn’t wait to see him, to smell him and stare at that smile again. I had missed him so much. I had dreamed of this moment for so long that I couldn’t believe it was happening. Sirius had woken up and everything would be okay again. The group could finally be whole again. Of course, there where still a lot of things wrong but I didn’t think of any of them at the moment because they didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except him.
“I don’t know.” Izzie breathed. “I came to get you straight away as soon as I found out. James, Remus and Peter are already there. Lily wants to go in with us so she will meet us outside the hospital wing.” I nodded as we continued running. We made it after about five minutes of solid running. I was out of breath and struggling to breath but I didn’t care. Lily was waiting for us, she was practically bouncing up and down.
“Nellie! Izzie!” She waved. “Can you believe it? He’s awake!”
“What are we waiting for? Let’s go in.” I said as I pushed the door open. The drapes around his bed were closed so I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t hear him either. All I heard was a deathly silence. I glanced at Izzie and Lily who looked at me. A bout of uneasiness swelled in my stomach. Something wasn’t right. I coughed and I felt like I was choking. I needed to see him. He would make all this go away. He didn’t need to be my boyfriend to make me feel good. He just needed to be himself.
James pushed open the drapes but I still didn’t get a look at Sirius. I sighed. James stared at us with worry etched on his face. He looked afraid and that was the one thing that scared me the most as James was always so sure of himself. He was the first in line for the battle. He wasn’t the person who got afraid easily. He bit his lip. “Lily.” He whispered her name, she sensed something was wrong with him and wrapped her arms around him.
“What’s up?” She asked, softly.
“It’s Sirius…” He choked. “He doesn’t remember anything since the start of seventh year. He’s got a complete blank about everything.”
I froze, unable to move or even to think properly. I felt like my world was being shut down again and I was being kicked repeatedly in the gut. I couldn’t take anymore of this. I felt Izzie’s arms around me, supporting me, holding me up otherwise I knew I would crumble and fall to the floor. “What?” I yelled, unable contain myself. “What do you mean he doesn’t remember anything?” I knew I shouldn’t have been yelling at James but he was the easiest target I could find. He took my blows though with grace and ease.
“I’m sorry Nellie.” James shook his head softly. “He doesn’t remember meeting you…or Izzie. I’ve tried asking so many questions, but he doesn’t know the answer so he just grows confused and angry.” He rubbed his forehead.
I stood there in shock, unable to believe that this was happening. I had gotten him back seconds ago just to lose him again. That was the thing with Sirius, I could never keep my grip tight enough or I couldn’t touch him at all. He was always slightly out of reach. I lost him because of my past relations with Regulus and then I lost him to Sarah. This was getting ridiculous. I always lost things when I was little but Sirius was a person, not a thing so I just couldn’t understand why nothing would go right. I wasn’t completely horrible person, I was far from perfect but I had attempted to be somewhat decent. I didn’t understand why this was all happening. I felt like this was too much for one person to handle.
So Sirius couldn’t remember me? Everything we had ever shared I was now the sole carrier of our memories. I didn’t want this. I wanted him to remember me. I needed him to remember me. This couldn’t be true but it was. Sirius couldn’t remember the time I pulled his hair, to the time he changed a pebble into a butterfly, when we finally kissed, to the way we argued stupidly to our make up and the way we resumed our friendship. Hmm, he couldn’t remember the time I was sick on him either then. Maybe that’s the only good thing to come from this situation. I felt myself unable to bare it. If he couldn’t remember this, I didn’t want to remember either. I couldn’t just hum along happily while I pondered on our past. I didn’t want to watch him live as I stayed trapped in memories. I felt like whacking my head against the wall until my memories were fuzzy but I couldn’t stand pain and that would be silly.
I couldn’t breathe. Izzie was talking but I wasn’t listening to anything she was saying. I couldn’t take anything in. I clambered out of her arms and I ran. I ran straight out that horrible place. I ran until I couldn’t anymore. I wasn’t looking where I was going so I ended up crashing into someone. It was Lucas. It would have to be him. I couldn’t just bump into a random stranger could I? Life wasn’t that simple, it was a lesson I was learning quickly and bitterly.
“Hello stranger.” He grinned as I looked at him through teary eyes. “What’s a matter?”
“I’m sorry.” I told him genuinely. I was sorry for everything that had happened between us and I was sorry if it I ever hurt him. “It has been a rough couple of weeks, I didn’t mean to ignore you.” I just couldn’t face you with everything going on. It was way too hard.
“Why are you crying?” He asked softly.
“Sirius…he doesn’t remember me. He remembers nothing.” I turned to run again but Lucas grabbed my wrist. “I need to go. I can’t deal with this.”
“I can’t keep waiting Nellie.” He told me and I agreed with him. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to him or myself. I was just so mixed up that I didn’t know whether I was coming or going lately. Lucas didn’t factor into my life as easily as the others did. He was a wonky puzzle piece that refused to fix the gap. Everyone else just slotted in perfectly.
“I know, I’ll fix this all soon. I just need some time.” I rambled, trying to find my space because that’s what I needed. I wanted space to escape from everything. “Please.” I begged.
Lucas nodded. “We’re going to have to sort this out one day.”
“One day but not today.” He let me go; I turned to leave before stopping myself. “I do care for you but it’s complicated.”
Lucas smiled sadly. “I know.” He nodded. “Now run.”
“I promise we’ll sort this out.”
I ran to the place that had given me a lot of good memories, some sad ones but I always tried focused on the good ones that made me fill with happiness. I ran up the stairs and when I finally pushed open the door to the astronomy tower, I felt triumph. It was my happy place with Regulus. It held way too many memories. I just needed to be in a place where I held memories with someone who remembered too. Even several months later after our break up, I was still at the top of Regulus mind. He had never truly walked out. He wasn’t like Sirius; Sirius who didn’t know I existed.
I sat near the edge for ages just staring at the sky. It was beautiful, the way the air nipped my skin slightly which caused goose bumps. Instead of being cold, I felt refreshed. I was one with the wind, all my problems being blown away with the wind. I didn’t even hear him come in until he spoke.
“I thought in the break up terms I got this place.”
I turned to him and I couldn’t help but smile. I always missed him, I knew I couldn’t have him in my life but he had never shifted from my heart. “I’m sorry, but I needed some place to think. Everything’s gone crappy again.”
Regulus frowned as he sat next to me. “The word is that Sirius is awake?”
“Yes.” I closed my eyes. “But his memory is messed up from that fight. He can’t remember anything from this year.” I felt a sob rise in my throat. “He doesn’t remember me Regulus.”
“Oh.” He said softly, unable to find any words that would soothe me.
I stared at him for the longest time, examining him. He hadn’t changed. He was still as stunning as ever. He was truly sculpted by angels. I needed comfort and he could provide it. So I sought it out in the form of a kiss. I pressed my lips softly against his, he kissed me back desperately but it felt wrong. I shouldn’t have done it considering everything but Regulus had never forgotten me and that was something that meant the most to me right now. We parted and I couldn’t form eye contact with him so I kept my eyes glued to the floor. I felt bad because this would hurt him the most.
“I’m sorry.” I told him. “I shouldn’t have done that. It just takes us ten steps back doesn’t it?”
“It’s okay.” He smiled sadly. “I quite enjoyed it.” He chuckled. “Nellie, you love Sirius, he loves you. You can’t give up on something like that. I refuse to let you give you up on him because you make each other happy and that’s enough.” I almost started crying again but I managed to restrain myself. He was still a good person, despite his Death Eater roots. He cared for me and that was the thing that mattered. “You can’t give up hope. He fell in love with you once, he will do it again. Talk to him. Make him remember.”
“Okay.” I agreed as I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Thanks Regulus, you’ve made everything a little bit better.”
He grinned, “I tried.”
The future was a little bleak but I wasn’t going to give up. My life was worth fighting for and so was Sirius. I needed him back as my friend. I wouldn’t give up on that. Operation clean up life was my project. I was filled with hope. I would everything right again.
I sighed as I gazed out at the night sky. Everything was okay for the moment, at least until the morning where aspects of my life would collide again but I was ready for it.
I was so ready for it.
Bring it on life because I am ready for you.
…to be continued