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Life Definitely Ain't Rosy by katti4493
Chapter 1: Seven Days To Go...
If I have to look at anymore damn napkins in different shades of fuchsia, aquamarine and ultraviolet I swear I will protest and camp out in the back garden of The Burrow singing stupid songs and eating gnomes for breakfast.
Maybe it would be a better idea to go further away, maybe to France...or Bosnia and Herzegovina (yeh, katti4493 watched too much Eurovision Song Contest)...Actually I’m going to Outer Mongolia to live as a shepherdess, and maybe I’ll grow a beard because then no one will ever notice me, or ask me stupid questions about napkins.
And then I’ll never have to see that evil...witch...ever again. Because I never want to lay my eyes on Lilith Marwood ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever , ever...wait, I’ve forgotten what the hell I’m talking about.
Oh, I don’t want to see Lilith again. Did I mention that already?
There’s a very good reason why I don’t want to see that little home wrecker ever again.
Well, she technically only wrecked an imaginary home that I’d set up in my head, but it was going to be real one day, most definitely!
Lilith was, past tense, my best friend, until she stole the love of my life. And despite what she might tell you about the status of my relationship with the aforementioned love of my life, Teddy Lupin, most definitely the love of my life, he and I were definitely and one hundred percently...
ON A BREAK
Hear that? What happened was... Teddy, the love of my life, decided it was best to give our relationship, I quote, “a break” as he was leaving Hogwarts and wanted to focus on his Auror Training. So at the Christmas party in my depression through the turmoil of our dramatic parting I may have got a little tipsy on Firewhisky and kissed (as in a prude kiss on the cheek) Benny Jones. And then that little sneak/ home wrecker/ bunny boiler/ spawn of Voldemort/ “strawberry blonde” actually ginger witch (delete as applicable) sent a letter to my boyfriend saying what I’d done, exaggerating it immensely. Once he had dumped me, she moved on in, and now they are getting married.
They are getting married in seven days time, and if they do...
Well, I won’t be alive because my heart would have broken into so many pieces it would stop working and I will die. Yes, you heard me; I will cease to exist as a normal, working, human being. Because, you see the thing is, I’ve never stopped loving Teddy...who is the love of my life…
And despite what my best buddy Lilith says, I know that Teddy, the love of my life, has never stopped loving me either.
Using all these facts above, it seems to me that it is going to be perfectly easy to get Teddy, the love of my life, back. If I can recognise him that is, he’s taken to disguising as other members of my family, the other day as my mother which was very scary. I only noticed the difference when he started speaking some garbled French to me. Teddy, the love of my life, is very funny sometimes...and undeniably cute.
“Vic, for god’s sake fuschia or ultraviolet?” asked my darling grandmother for the seven hundredth millionth trillionth and four time. I was thinking more sick green, because that is how Lilith makes me feel. I pointed rudely at the ultraviolet; I thought it would clash more with the flowers, just making Lilith’s day that little bit worse. The doorbell clanged loudly and grimacing I walked to the front door but I burst into a huge smile as my old friend Gracie Luck strolled through her door, her scruffy brown hair fly away as usual and her face alight with joy.
“Gracie!” I screamed, barely unable to control myself, “I thought you were at healer training!” Gracie held her hand out and we immediately started doing our secret handshake, shake, clap, shake, clap, click, jump, shimmy shimmy huh! Being pathetic people we both remembered this juvenile handshake with pride.
“Hello Grace, dear,” said my gran, shuffling up, “I’m sure you want to catch up with Vic so why don’t you go up to the girl’s room?” I didn’t wait for a reply as I dragged Gracie upstairs to the room. Rose was inside studying for her OWLs. Rolling her eyes, I sat down next to her and talked to Gracie in a very loud voice, just to annoy my stuck up little cousin.
“If I get asked about whether I think maroon is Lilith’s colour ONE MORE TIME I swear you can say a fond farewell to my sanity!” Gracie put an arm around me as I growled angrily and bit my nails in fury. I’ve taken to gnashing my teeth quite a lot at the moment, to show my terrible pain. It’s actually quite relaxing, not the tense way it’s portrayed in the Bible. People seemed to do a quite a lot of gnashing of the teeth in biblical times. And I thought herding sheep and fishing wouldn’t be that stressful…
“Take it you’re not holding up well then?” said Gracie patting my shoulder gingerly. At these words Rosie threw down her book and plonked herself next to me, her pretty eyes flashing. I hate her, why is she pretty and clever? Nobody is allowed to be that but me!
“For god sake Vic!” she alleged (synonym on Word, isn’t it great?) “You’re so over dramatic! Just go and tell him how you feel!” Both Gracie and I looked at Rose incredulously. Just because she had a boyfriend who was at her beck and call, she expected everyone else to have the mind control powers over men.
Actually, come to think of it, that would be highly useful. I shall try to hone my mind control powers with Gracie later. I don’t think she’d mind me getting her to dance like a chicken to perfect my skills…
Look, you have to stop me when I go off on tangents.
Back to Rose…where was I…oh, yeah. I’m not entirely sure why I was listening to Rose, because, let’s face it (if you’ve read katti4493’s other brilliant fic: From Ancient Grudge) you know that Rose knows as much about romance as a button mushroom does.
“Oh of course,” I said as if she’d answered all my problems, and was the Wise Woman of Ottery St Catchpole, “I’d have never thought of that. But do I want to look uber crazy? Oh sorry Teddy, I know your getting married in a week but marry me instead! Because did I mention Lilith that Teddy and I were definitely, one hundred percently ON A BREAK.”
“Vic, if they ever make a show about your life that would be your catchphrase,” said Gracie, rolling her eyes. I gave her a sickly sweet smile while gently drawing a line across my throat. I am the kindest and most wonderful friend in the world.
“Yeah Gracie, at least it won’t be as annoying as Lilith’s...” at this point both Rose and Gracie felt it necessary to join in, “you know, I look like such a doll in that dress!” I can impersonate her little stuck up nasally voice better than anyone and I do not think there is a person in the whole world who does not naturally agree!
“Where is the little gremlin then?” asked Gracie, obviously referring to our ex best friend. It was at this moment that I actually thought that Lilith could be a Gremlin. I had been forced to watch Gremlins 3 in Muggle Studies, and maybe if I throw water over her (actually that would be bad. One Lilith is enough) or feed her after midnight that might be a good enough reason for Teddy, the love of my life, to leave her at the altar.
I’m really evil aren’t I?
TANGENTS!!! What did I tell you about stopping me rambling!!!
I really was stupid, Gracie warned me about Lilith. In fifth year Lilith had taken a liking Gracie’s boyfriend Adam and that had brought about the end of Gracie’s imaginary penthouse suite in her head with Adam. I had fallen out with Gracie, me declaring that Lilith could not prevent the “course of true love”. Like hell she could.
I was a blind man, wandering through the desert, before Lilith guided me out of the wilderness with her evilness…
Right, so I answered Gracie’s question about where Lilith was, “Prancing round in her wedding dress in front of the mirror,” I scowled, “like a bloody Barbie doll,” causing Gracie to pat me on the cheek. That made me scowl even harder. I hate it when people invade my personal bubble.
“Smile Vic,” sang Gracie, “you look like much better that way.” I got up and traipsed out of the room causing Gracie to jump up and follow me. I must say I did look particularly depressed, and I am a bit melodramatic anyway, and the loss of her favourite socks can result in a manic depression which can last for weeks, so the loss of the love of my life was something to behold.
“God,” Gracie groaned, “you look like a character out of Les Miserables.” Before I could ask what stupid muggle thing she was talking about now, she butted in, “basically everyone in it is miserable, or dies of tuberculosis, gets shot or jumps off a bridge...or sells their hair, and teeth if you’ve read the original Victor Hugo Novel.”
Great so now I was going to start selling body parts. I think I’ll start with my right arm; it’s got weird freckles on it.
“My little Teddy Bear is going to love me in this!” came the Human Verruca’s voice, gliding like carbon monoxide up the stairs. Gracie gave me a pat on the shoulder as I slouched down the stairs like a grizzly bear, making sure my steps were extra stompy as I went.
Aunt Ginny stood at the bottom of the stairs, her face as red as her hair as she stared daggers at the room where El Diablo was situated. The second she saw me she gave a little smile and said, “please save me. If I hear one more sickening word from darling Lilith I think I’m going to be sick!”
“Oh please,” smiled Gracie, “on her dress at the wedding that would be entertainment.” It was a wonderful thought, Ginny gave a pained smile before turning away, leaving me and Gracie to barge our way into the boys room, which was empty apart from Roxy trying to put itching powder in her brother’s sleeping bag.
“Why are you wasting good itching powder on Fred when there are much more worthy candidates for your talents?” said Gracie charmingly. Roxy raised an eyebrow, “you mean like, Albus or James?” I shook my head, giving one of those high pitch laughs that Gracie describes as an “evil stepmother” laugh. I should, according to Gracie anyhoo, be a voice over artist for the wicked stepmother in Disney films, like Cinderella.
My dad didn’t know why I wanted to be in a film about a disease.
“No,” I said slowly, “I mean like people who are standing in the next room in a very expensive wedding dress.” Comprehension seemed to dawn on Roxy’s face as she smiled, “you mean Lilith?” It was at this moment that me and Gracie joined together to go, “what a brilliant idea Roxy! You really are a criminal mastermind.”
Au contraire! I thought to myself (I’m deciding that I’m going to put my thoughts randomly in italics now) It is I who would be a good member of SPECTRE (for all you James Bond fans out there…if you’re not a James Bond fan, check the Wikipedia page!)
Dinner that night was hell.
“Oh Lilith,” smiled my senile grandmother, “you are going to look so beautiful on your wedding to Teddy! We’re all so happy for you.” My grandmother is such a liar. Nobody is happy for Lilith, not even my mother who would party at any wedding even if it was some weird ship like Draco/Merope (I challenge someone to write that!)
Luckily, everyone looking the other way so did not see me pretend to vomit in my soup.
“Oh,” simpered Lilith (simpering…only evil characters do that), “Teddy will love it! I mean his stag do is going to be awesome!”
Not if my dad is involved. He thought it would be a funny joke to tell Hermione that Voldemort had returned. It was his own fault that he lost all this toenails, that’s all I’m going to say on the matter…
It was all through this conversation that everyone was so engrossed in hearing Lilith simper about her wedding day that nobody noticed Fred going a little green. People only noticed when he vomited all over my jeans.
After several creative swear words on my part, Fred looked significantly ashamed of himself to burst into tears and howl and wail! For me it was an “oh woe is me!” moment. These were my favourite jeans!
Can I just ask why Karma is so skewed? Why do people who have a black hole instead of a soul (oh, that rhymed) get to marry Teddy, the love of my life, while the downtrodden, beautiful saints of the world (ie me) live a life of misery.
Maybe I should join the cast of Les Miserables…I’m sure I’d fit right in.
Okay, I'm usually writing more serious stuff, but I thought I'd give some fluff a go. Just want to make a few thankyous: Eurovision (for being cheesy), Friends (for giving us Ross and Rachel), The Bible (for being biblical), Gremlins 3 (for being a totally superfluous sequel), Les Miserables (for being miserable), Disney (for bringing us so much joy), James Bond (for giving us Blofeld) and Wikipedia (for being the fountain of all knowledge).
This is kind of parody/fluff so I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review! If you want something more serious try my other wonderful stories!