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Chapter 1: The Time My Life Was Forever Destroyed
"NO, HAVE YOU LOST IT? I WILL NOT. I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT."
"I don't see why not, its a fantastic idea."
"Yeah for you, you asshole."
"Please you two must swearing come into this?"
"Shut up Fred." I hiss. "This is serious."
"Sirius? Where?" Asks James, with his pathetic attempt at comedy.
"That joke is not funny James and it never will be." I snap.
"Aw come on you laughed the first time."
"I was a young girl who strived for appreciation and friends. Not to mention that this was when we first met so I couldn't tell you that you were a complete dumbarse."
"That hurts me." James says as he puts his hand over his heart and attempts to look wounded.
"Yeah well you're hurting me right now. This has to be the dumbest thing you have ever come up with."
"I disagree, I find it to be one of the most intelligent things we have ever come up with." Fred says.
"Thats because you two have a combined IQ of fish."
"My dear Malfoy where on earth are you getting these insults from? They're fresh." James says.
"Why the hell are you talking like that?" I ask him all the while resisting the urge not to poke him with my wand.
"Its fun." He shrugs nonchalantly. "Anyway back to the issue on hand. Here is your list. Have fun May flower."
"JAMES NO. You can't just hand me a bloody list and expect me to just snog every boy on it."
"I thought that was the point of this." Fred says while he rummages through the box of Bertie Botts trying to look for an actual flavor.
"Yes.. but... no... I." I stammer. 'Its just! Its madness!" I exclaim.
"Look May," Says James as he helps Fred rummage through the box of Jelly Beans. "You lost our lovely little bet. And as we all agreed the loser would have to do any dare the winner decided on. You are the loser. I am the winner. So, I'm giving you this dare."
"James." I say in what is my attempt at reasonable tone of voice. "You know that if I had won I would not have done anything this bad." At this I pick up the list and wave it in his face.
"No." Fred says. "Dom told us that you told her that if you won you were going to make us run on the house tables in the Great Hall at breakfast and pour food on ourselves."
"Pssh." I say with a wave of my hand. "Thats not that bad."
"When you're naked it is." Says James.
"Don't blame Dom, we told her we'd get her in good with Matthew Wood." Fred says.
"Thats just cruel, you know she has a thing for him. And slightly impressive, I must admit."
"Flattery will get you nowhere Ms. Malfoy." Says James.
I roll my eyes. "As I was going to say, my dare is not nearly as bad as yours. Yours is long term mine would have been like 15 minutes long."
"At least you won't get expelled with ours." Fred points out.
"That is... ok maybe its true."
"Come on May its not that bad. You just have to snog all the boys on this list." James says.
"Wel golly, when you put it like that. How can I resist!" I say my sarcasm laced with a bit of hysteria.
"Ha, I knew you'd come around! Didn't I tell you Fred?"
"That was sarcasm you idiot." I hiss through clenched teeth.
"May there's only like 10 guys on this list." Fred says.
"Oh wow, only 10? Snogging 10 guys none of which you happen to be dating does not give you the worst reputation to ever exist. Wow guys."
Oh sarcasm, how I love you my dear friend.
"Aphro its not that bad. What are they gonna say?" James says with a calm shrug of his shoulders.
"Ok A) Stop caling me Aphro. Don't interrupt me I know all of your arguments on this subject. I understand that my first name is Aphrodite and you would like to give it a nickname but I must plead you to call me by my middle name. Which everyone with the exception of my mother on occasion does. I understand the name is amusing to you. But still.
B) Stop calling me May Flower. While I applaud the use of my preferred name. I have no idea where you got that stupid name from.
C) To answer your previous question. Does the word 'Whore' mean anything to you?"
"May Flower, I will not stop calling you that by the way. People call me a whore. Does it bother me?" James says.
"THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE A WHORE." I shout.
I spend most of my time shouting. Whether in elation or in such cases like this. I'm just a very loud person.
"Uh-huh. I am not."
"Victoire told me she caught you snogging Ellie Harrison and Jennifer Price last week."
'That can be explained." James scoffs.
"You snogged Jennifer? Nice." Fred then reaches over to high five his cousin.
Personally I would too if I weren't trying to prove a point here. Jennifer Price is hot.
No I am not a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with a healthy appreciation for feminimity.
"Scorpius is going to kill you guys when he finds out you're making me do this. He'll go all big brother-ish on you."
I have never been more grateful for Scorpius being born an hour before. Love you bro.
James scoffs and Fred snorts with laughter. "Scorpius is not scary. Admittedly he has buffed up over the summer but as per the agreement you can't tell anyone this is a dare." Fred says
"WHAT? I can't even snog these boys and just tell them it was a dare?"
"Nope." James says popping the 'p'.
I glare at both of them. "I will get you back for this."
"Whatever, now sign this." James says sliding a piece of paper over to me.
"Is this a... did you write up an effing contract?" I snatch the paper and skim through it. "I cant tell anyone, I have to seduce them? I can't use magic? I can't just grab them and snog them?" I read off in disbelief. "This is crazy. I am not signing this."
"Fine." James shrugs. "Take a chicken, weasel out. Guess you're not a real Gryffindor."
I shudder. Chickens are what we've invented in case someone refuses to do a dare. No one has ever actually taken a chicken because its so horrible that your dare has to be better. For god's sake everyone's dare is better.
And not to mention the fact that by chickening out you are no Gryffindor.
And nobody wants that.
I flash both of them a wide smile. "Whose got a quill?"
Both of them grin. "We knew you'd come to see things our way." Fred says.
I grab his stupid quill and scrawl my name down in my disgusting handwriting. I don't actually have a signature.
"Excellent!" James exclaims. "Now you must snog the following boys."
I should have actually read the bloody list before signing the contract.
"First on this list. Alex Hannigan."
Oh Voldemort, I suppose it could be worse. Alex is nice. Reasonable enough looking. But probably the most self-centered person you could ever meet. But knowing James. This could be worse.
Oh who am I kidding it will be worse.
"NO!" I shout. "ABSOLUTELY NOT."
Frank is a very nice person but probably one of the most unfortunate looking souls you'll ever meet.
"What happened to 'Its on the inside that counts'" Fred says in a high pitched voice. "You're the one who said that."
I proceed to hit my head against the table.
Harder. Must. Hit. Head. Harder.
"Why do you guys want me to snog some of the most annoying, idiotic, stupid, ugly people in Hogwarts?"
"They're not that ugly."
"They're not going to be on the cover of Witch Weekly any time soon either."
"I picked them because they are some of the most disgusting people in this lovely institution of ours. They're not ugly. They're just annoying, stupid and have a complete of personal hygiene. I most picked them because I know they all really piss you off." James says.
I raise my eyebrows.
"Except for Frank. As nice as the mate is. He's no supermodel."
"NEXT ON OUR LIST. Darren Zabini." Fred declares
"HE'S A SLYTHERIN." I shout.
"Don't be a prejudiced bitch May." Says James.
I wonder if I glare hard enough my wand will go and poke him in the eye.
Hey, it could happen.
"I'd bet my broom you're not even exactly sure what that word means."
"What bitch? I know what it means."
"No.. I... never mind."
"Simon Finnegan and Mark Davies."
I smack my head harder against the desk.
Simon Finnegan and Mark Davies are Hogwarts for lack of a better term 'Hotties'.
For some reason James is considered one too but I don't really see it.
They're both incredibly fit, hot, sexy, charming and brilliant.
Mark Davies also happens to be the love of my life.
I love him
I might on occasion stalk him.
And James very well knows this.
I'm unaware right now. If I should thank him for giving me an opening.
Or you know... just kill him.
"You put yourself on the list? Self-centered much?" I ask him.
He shrugs. "I thought it would make things more difficult."
Why didn't I run far far away that day I first met James Potter?
Why didn't I run away screaming and crying for help?
I would have if I had known it would come to this.
"Albus Potter." Fred reads off as he roars with laughter.
"OH HELL NO. I WILL NOT NOT NOT SNOG ALBUS POTTER."
"James. I told you this was a bad idea." Fred says.
"THIS GOES BEYOND THE LINE. I HATE HIM. I WANT TO KILL HIM. ITS NOT FUCKING ENOUGH HE HAS TO SPEND HIS TIME AT MY HOUSE EVERY SUMMER. ITS NOT ENOUGH THAT WHEN I GO AND STAY WITH VIC, DOM, ROSE AND MOLLY HE'S ALWAYS THERE. ITS NOT ENOUGH THAT I GO TO SCHOOL WITH HIM. ITS NOT ENOUGH I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND SEE HIS UGLY FACE AT BREAKFAST. ITS NOT ENOUGH I SEE HIS STUPID FACE EVERY CLASS. ITS NOT ENOUGH THAT HE IS MY BROTHERS BEST FRIEND. NOW I HAVE TO SNOG HIM. THIS GOES BEYOND THE LINE." I shriek hysterically.
As you may have gathered. Albus and I do not get along.
But perhaps that is a huge understatement. I want to boil him in a pot of oil and then feed him to selkies and then shave his bloody head. With his stupid hair that he loves so much and then feed what remains of him to sharks.
And thats just on Saturdays when I'm in a particularly good mood.
You should see what I want to do to him on Mondays.
"Sorry love you signed a Magical binding contract. There is no way out of this." James shrugs.
For lack of knowing what else to do I did the most rational thing in such a situation.
"AARRGHHHH." I scream. And then I stormed out of the room.
"Well, I think she took that rather well." James says.
My name is Aphrodite May Malfoy --Yes I know what kind of name is that? I have yet to forgive my mother-- and I have just set out on my mission to become a Hogwarts Whore.
My mother must be so proud.