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Chapter 1: The Unbecoming Of My Innocence
"Dom if you're going to keep flirting with Jameson, could you at least be kind enough to have one of his friends occupy me? Its only polite."
Dom of course chooses to ignore me and continues to bat her eyelashes and cross and uncross her legs at Robert Jameson.
Merlin knows how anyone can find this endearing but Jameson seems to be pretty into it considering the intense want-to-get-you-in-a-broom-closet looks they've been sharing.
I guess you never know.
Rose is of course, actually listening and is taking notes so rapidly the noise of her quill is rather annoying. But I am not going to be the poor bastard that tells her to cool it.
So naturally this leaves me sitting her like a useless arsehole, I'm not smart enough to actually care about anything we're learning here and not attractive enough to temporarily occupy myself with anyone who is not a weirdo in a broom closet.
I stretch but quickly take the time to survey the rest of the people in the class, Dom is of course busy. Rose and Molly both appear to be competing for the position of head nerd and Scorpius and Albus are, naturally together and are giggling and drawing disgusting pictures in each other's books.
"Ms.Malfoy," Professor MacMillian calls bringing me out of my reverie.
"Yes sir." I say cheerfully and attempt to make myself look as if I've been paying attention the entire time.
Is there any drool on my chin?
MacMillian raises his eyebrows, arsehole's never like me for some reason. "The answer, Ms. Malfoy."
"Er." I say intelligently and survey the class for someone to give me the answer.
I knew I should've skived off. I don't even like this class!
Albus on the other side of the room mouths something unintelligible and at my puzzled expression irritatedly holds up 5 fingers.
I turn back to MacMillian with a shit-eating grin on my face. "5, Professor sir."
MacMillian looks as if he's fearing for my mental health which is a look I must sadly admit I receive often.
"The wizard who first brewed the Wolfsbane potion was five?" He says hesitantly.
I whip around to glare at that fucker Potter, who is of course laughing his arse off. I should've known better than to trust a fuckwit like Albus Potter.
Even Scorpius is laughing!
Some brother I have.
Think of an excuse! Bloody hell.
"Sir, I have to vomit." I say.
MacMillian looks distinctly horrified and I can't blame him, who wants someone throwing up in front of them? "Vomit?"
"Yes, sir!" I say perkily and then stupidly realize that I should'nt be this happy.
"Go then Ms, Malfoy!"
"Thank you sir," I say in my attempt at a weak voice, I probably just sound like Voldemort reincarnated.
I make a loud, disgusting face wretching noise before I prance out of the room. But not before making sure I trod on Albus' toes and whack his head with my books,
And with a final wretch, I'm gone.
I am fabulous.
This wretching scandal has probably just set me very far behind in my quest to find a boyfriend, but I suppose we must all make sacrifiecs.
I roam the corridors for a while, it'll be another half an hour until the others get out of class, but hey at least I'm not with them.
Merlin I hate Potions.
However this loner thing is getting old really fast, maybe I can find Peeves or something that's always entertaining. It's while I'm pondering where eactly Peeves would be around this time of day that a arm makes its way across my waist and right before I can scream 'rape' another makes its way around my mouth.
I know I was asking for something to happen but this seems a little extreme. I attempt to kick at my rapist while he drags me into a broom closet.
A broom closet? Really?
And wait, why am I assuming this is a man? It could be an obsessively strong sadistic lesbian.
I'm going to be raped in a broom closet by a sadistic on steroids lesbian whose probably into kinky shit.
It just really figures.
My rapist shuts the door of the broom closet and whirls me around to face him/her.
What the actual fuck.
I can't even have a good rapist.
And he's not even a rapist.
I grab his hand yank it off of my mouth. "James! What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't just go around draging people into broom closets! I thought you were a lesbian rapist!"
James Potter is a moron. He smirks at me, "Steady on there goddess of love. And a lesbian rapist? Really?"
"Would you stop calling me that? And what is wrong with you? Pulling innocent little girls into broom closets like some sort of psychopath!"
James of course ignores everything I've just said despite the fact that if he took my advice, it could make him a better all around human being.
Of course he doesn't actually care about being a better human being.
I eye James' arm that is still around my waist, "If that hand goes any lower, I will shove it down your throat."
James rolls his eyes. "As delightful as that sounds, I have brought you to this super secret location for other various reasons."
"This isn't a particularly secret location, didn't you snog Jennifer Price in here last week?"
"Exactly why no one would suspect us of being in here!"
It makes sense in a sort of retarded way.
"Alright what do you want? And can you tell me why you chose to drag me in here like some sort of pedophile?"
James looks highly affronted by this, "I couldn't let anyone see you come into the super secret location,"
"Who would have seen? I was alone!"
James ignores me.
Sometimes I really think he just asks this stupid to irritate me. Never mind I know he does.
"Anyway May love, do you remember last week, when we made that bet?"
"Puddlemere should have won!" I shout.
"Would you shut up? Thanks." James says nonchalantly. "And do you remember last year when you made me confess my love for Gertrude Mavin and lick the back of her quill that she uses as a backscratcher for her acne covered behind?"
I really need to get shirts printed up for that, I still have a picture of James licking the quill.
A galleon a shirt.
"Well this love, is my revenge."
Holy fucking shit.
James fucking Potter has that look on his face, that nasty little look that means that someone is about to go through a lot of shit. For instance when he gave me that look back in fourth year I had to go and hump the giant squid.
While wearing a dress made of those horrendous clothes for house elves Roses' mum makes her bring to school.
Needless to say this is not good.
"James," I say slowly while looking for an exit, I'd rather face the lesbian rapist than James Potter right now.
James ignores me. "You have to seduce a certain boy, by the name of Albus Potter."
HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.
James is oblivious to my horror and disgust and continues. "You have to snog him, and he has to want to do the same. And I mean a good proper snog. None of those kisses similiar to what Nana Molly gives me."
What the fuck.
"No," I say flatly.
Jameshas obviously prepared for all possible outcomes, including this one where I might just go psycho in a minute and murder him.
I'm living up to the family name.
"Fine," James says. "Do a chicken."
I freeze. A chicken is by far the worst thing ever, you never pick a chicken because it will always be far more worse than your actual dare.
"Fuck you, James."
"Love you too my goddess." He blows me a kiss and sidesteps around me to get out of the broom closet. "By the way Quidditch practice tomorrow morning at 5."
And he's gone.
Quidditch practice at 5? Thats all he can say? He just fucking ruined my life and all he can say is Quidditch at 5?
That piece of shit.
Since I'm alone here in this super secret location I believe it should be said.
I HATE ALBUS POTTER.
And don't call me an arsehole, the feelings 100% mutual. We've never liked each other not even when we first met, I found him irritating and he found me annoying.
I'm not, he's just a piece of shit,
Anyway its possible because we spent far too much time together for people who didn't like each other, so for 5 going on 6 years we have it all figured out.
We hate each other.
And James has to go and fuck it all up.
He's just always there! Always! He's either at my house or I'm at his, Dom's, Rose's or Molly's. We have the same classes, we're both on the quidditch team and thank merlin we both hate each other.
He's an egotistical, self-centered prat.
In short, he's the bane of my existence.
I never thought I'd actually have one, a bane. But that's who Albus Potter is.
And now I have to snog him.
Oh by the way didn't introduce myself there, Aphrodite May Malfoy, and before you laugh just think about it.
At least its a better name than Albus Severus.
I will always be better than that fuckwit.
That I have to snog.
Oh Voldemort, I really think I'm going to vomit now.
Revised as of 2/23/14
Albus or James?
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