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Chapter 21: Flabbergasted, Ninjas and Sarah-The-Evil-Barbie-Cow-of-Evilness
“Is it a boy?”
“Is it a girl?”
“Oh my god, are they twins?”
She pouted and sat back, crossing her arms resentfully over her chest. “What’s the point of having a Seer as a best friend if she won’t even tell you what she’s seen?” She muttered.
I grinned. “You should be glad that I’m not ruining this for you.”
“But I want to know!” She whined, tugging on my arm.
I grinned wider and gently rubbed her tummy, letting out a little giggle as I felt the baby kick against my hand. “I think you’ll like it better if it’s a surprise.”
I had a vision this morning. It was about Dom’s baby, and I now know what gender it is. I haven’t found out the name just yet, because, despite our fabulous list of the best names in the world, Dom had not managed to choose one that she liked. She did, however, somehow find the energy to chase me around the Common Room and make me do a crazy, intricate dodge-running maneuver to avoid her various hexes.
I honestly don’t know how someone can run so fast when they’re lugging around a stomach that big. Then again, Dom always manages to surprise the world with her Dom-ness. She can do anything. She is…Dominique Weasley!
I need to get some sleep.
“Hey, hey, hey!” Fred said cheerfully, plopping down on the sofa next to me. I quickly snatched up my Potions essay before he squished it and sent him a reproachful look, which he happily ignored. Alex sat down next to him, absolutely glowing.
“Why do you look so happy?” I asked grumpily.
“Well, isn’t someone a Miss-Grouchy-Wouchy-Pants!”
“Don’t ever say that again, Fred. It was debilitating to my mental health.”
“Take your sarcasm elsewhere, young maiden, for it is not welcome here,” Fred said loftily.
I smacked him upside the head.
“Just-kidding-I-love-you,” He corrected hastily as I raised my hand to smack him again. I smirk in a self-satisfied manner. That’s more like it.
“Hey, guys!” Apollo beamed, plopping down next to Dom on the sofa. “Hi, baby,” He added softly, placing a kiss on Dom’s stomach. Dom’s smile was threatening to split her face.
I giggled happily, and she turned to me again, her smile replaced with a glare. I raised my eyebrow at her, and she stuck her tongue out, turning to Apollo.
“Apollo,” Dom whined. “Artemis knows what gender the baby is and she won’t tell me! Make her tell me!”
He chuckled. “She’s not going to tell you if she doesn’t want to, love. Nothing I say is going to change that, trust me.”
“Damn right,” I said proudly.
“Once again, what’s the point of having a Seer as a best friend if she won’t even tell you the future?” Dom asked resentfully. “You’re completely useless, Artemis. I hate you.”
“Well, if that’s how you feel, I guess I’ll just hang out with Alex and Fred from now on – oh, shit, Fred!” I said loudly, taking in Fred’s flabbergasted expression.
Now, instead of freaking out, I’m going to comment on the word ‘flabbergasted’ in order to alleviate my mental tension.
It’s such a funny word! It’s so much fun to say – flabbergasted. It kind of sounds like someone who has a lot of flabber (which sort of sounds like blubber, which is basically fat) who gassed (meaning farted) a whole lot. Flabber-gasted! Bahaha! Let’s say it really fast for about a hundred times and see how it sounds! Ready? Flabbergastedflabbergastedflabbergastedflabbergastedflabbergastedflabbergasted – HOLY SHIT FRED KNOWS MY SECRET AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
“Fred?” I asked tentatively when he continued to gape at me. Everyone else was still, watching Fred warily.
“I – you – Seer!” He spluttered, pointing a dramatic finger at me. I winced slightly. Crap – I shocked Fred so much that he can no longer form a coherent sentence in the English language.
This is very bad.
“You – me – Seer?” I repeated weakly.
“You – you can – holy Merlin!” Fred yelped, his eyes wide and threatening to pop out of his face. “You can see the future! You! You can see it!”
“Yes, Fred, that’s the general idea of what a Seer does,” Alex said drily, rolling her eyes at me.
“You, though! Artemis! You can – fuck, man. That is so cool!” Fred suddenly jumped up, and, ignoring my face (which looked a lot like this: O_O due to his weird change in behavior), scooped me in a huge hug. “You’re so cool! THIS IS AWESOME!”
Well. This is rather gratifying.
“Erm – thanks, Fred,” I said awkwardly, struggling against his hold so that I could be let down onto the ground again. Thankfully, he set me down on my feet two seconds later and turned to everyone else.
“Why aren’t you guys excited?” Fred asked.
“We already knew,” Alex shrugged. Fred turned to me, looking outraged, and I backed up a little.
“Now, Freddie, I was going to tell you, honest, but there was just so much going on, what with the whole Sarah debacle and Apollo not being here and the whole school finding out that Dom was preg –” I started rambling as I continued to back away from the freaky child
Suddenly, he stopped. “Wait,” He said slowly. “Is that the secret that The Evil Cow knows?”
I blinked in shock. “Um. Yeah.”
Dude, how did he figure that out so fast? I assumed that the various head injuries he had received over the years had rendered him capable of only very mediocre brain processing abilities, but he’s always managed to surprise me with a shocking display of smartness.
Maybe Freddie isn’t so dumb after all.
“And she’s…god, she’s using it so that you don’t try and talk to James or anything, isn’t she?”
“You should become a detective ninja,” I said in an awed voice. “How are you figuring these things out?”
Fred looked at me with an eyebrow raised. “Why a detective ninja?”
I shrugged. “Ninjas are cool.”
“Ah. That explains everything.”
“How do you two manage to go from a perfectly rational discussion to talking about ninjas?” Dom asked in a disbelieving voice.
“Because we’re awesome,” Fred said, as if this was obvious.
“Yeah. Duh, Dominique,” I added.
She rolled her eyes. “Okay, can we please get back to the topic at hand, here?”
“And that would be…?”
“Sarah Barlow, you bints!” Dom exclaimed.
“Right, of course,” Apollo intervened quickly before Dom’s five-months-pregnant hormones made her explode.
“Look, guys, I’m not sure what I can do about her,” I said, running a hand through my bedraggled hair. When was the last time I washed it?
Crap, I don’t remember.
Note to self: wash hair today.
“Well…she’s holding the fact that you’re a Seer over your head,” Alex said thoughtfully. “She said that she’s going to tell the rest of the school – but I doubt you care what everyone else thinks about it.”
“Um, actually, if it involves a huge tent with the words ‘Artemis Jones, Seer’ written on it, and if people come up to me and start asking me about their futures, which, by the way, I probably won’t be able to see because my visions only show me about the people that I’m close to – either way, if the school finds out, then yeah, I think I’ll care,” I finished.
“I’m pretty sure I would care, too,” Apollo added. “But…people will just think that it’s a rumor. There’s rumors around all the time, and most people don’t believe them.”
“That makes sense,” Fred told him.
“Okay,” Dom’s face was bright, a large smirk crawling up the corners of her mouth. “I have an idea. This is what we’re going to do…”
After she was done explaining, I sat back with a beam.
“Dominique,” I told her fervently. “You’re a genius. Have I recently mentioned that you’re the most amazing best friend to ever walk this planet?”
She sniffed. “No. You need to get on that.”
Time is like a ninja. It creeps on you, slowly and stealthily, and, before you know it – BAM! – it has struck you over the head and you’re left standing there, staring cluelessly at the wall and wondering how December started without you noticing.
“Are you sure it’s Christmas already?” I asked Ella for the umpteenth time as she pulled a red sweater over my head, adjusted my curls, and, deciding that they were not going to stay down no matter what she did, placed a red headband in my hair.
Yes, my friends dress me.
Shut up. They don’t dress me all the time. Only sometimes, when I take too long getting adjusted to life.
“Yes, Artemis, we’re leaving for the Burrow on Monday,” Ella explained, yet again, as she handed me a pair of boots.
I pulled them on over my skinny jeans and accepted the earrings that she passed to me.
“When did December even get here?” I asked. “Last time I checked, it was September!”
“Then perhaps you should check more often,” Ella told me, rolling her eyes.
“Stupid pregnant belly!” Dom’s voice carried over to us from behind her bed, and, exchanging glances, we quickly ran over to make sure everything was okay.
Dom was sitting on the floor, her pregnant stomach sticking out in front of her as she threw clothes left and right. She looked like she was going to kill something, which worried me slightly about what was going to happen when she got really pregnant. I mean, as of now, she wasn’t even that large.
“I’m sure we’ll find you something to wear,” Alex’s muffled voice soothed from inside Dom’s wardrobe.
“No we won’t!” Dom snapped back. “I’m too fucking fat!”
“You’re not fat, you’re pregnant,” I corrected, sitting down next to her and helping her look through her clothes.
I decided not to argue.
Dom looked at me, then moaned helplessly. “You look adorable. This is hopeless.”
“Oi, what does me looking adorable have to do with this being hopeless?” I asked indignantly.
“It means I shouldn’t even try!”
“Says the part-veela,” I told her drily. There was a moment while Dom stared at me.
“Touché,” She finally said grudgingly.
“Trust me, sweetie, you could be wearing a paper bag and still look gorgeous,” Ella assured. “In fact, if Apollo saw you wearing nothing but a paper bag, he might just –”
“– tell you…that he’ll buy you more clothes?” Ella finished uncertainly after catching my glare.
Nice save, Ella. Very suave.
“Perfect!” Alex emerged from the closet, clutching a long piece of fabric.
“What’s that?” Dom asked as Alex pulled a bra out of her hair and tossed it back into the wardrobe.
“A sweater dress!” Alex said proudly, holding it out.
“It’s perfect!” Ella beamed. I, personally, quite thought so too. It was a deep emerald green and just a little too big for not-preggers-Dom, which meant that it would be pretty much perfect for preggers-Dom.
“I don’t know, guys…” Dom said uncertainly, staring at it. “Maybe I just shouldn’t go…”
I’m sorry, but does Dom actually think that she’s going to get her way against the three of us?
Ha. Not bloody likely.
“You guys suck,” Dom pouted as she trudged along with the rest of us. After much screaming, kicking, and, finally, a body-binding curse, we had managed to force Dom into the sweater dress and a pair of white leggings. Along with her peacoat, scarf, and pregnant belly, Dom looked adorable.
“You love us anyway,” Alex dismissed as she linked arms with her.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Dom muttered, but she linked arms with me anyway. Ella latched onto the other one, and I couldn’t help but let out a very un-Artemis-like giggle at the four of us, skipping along like little firsties with linked arms and whatnot.
Well, we’re not exactly skipping, but I think you get the point.
“Holy Merlin, who is that vision over there?” Apollo’s voice rang out from behind us, and I turned around with a large smile on my face.
“It’s your sister!” I told him cheerfully, and then jumped on him, planting a big kiss on his cheek and laughing when he swung me around.
“Nah, just kidding, it’s Dom,” I said when he put me down. I leaned in closer to whisper in his ear. “It’s the girl that’s pregnant with your first child.”
I gave him a significant look and he nodded solemnly. “Okay,” He whispered back. “Thanks for letting me know.”
“I got you, little bro.” I patted him on the back.
“I’m your twin! It was only by two minutes, okay?”
“Yeah, but I’m still older!”
“By two minutes!”
“Exactly! I’ve been on this planet two whole minutes longer than you!”
“It’s only two bloody minutes!”
“That’s a long time!”
“No, it’s not!”
“Are you two honestly at it again?” Jason asked as he and Fred joined us. “For Merlin’s sake, you’re twins, now get over it.”
I pouted while Apollo laughed in triumph.
“You know, for someone who’s going to be a father in just four months, you’re awfully immature,” I sniffed.
That shut him up.
“Merlin,” He said in a dazed voice. “I really am! What if I’m a bad father? I bet I am a bad father. Our child is going to turn out abnormal because I’m a terrible dad! It’s going to be my fault! It’s all going to be my –”
“Apollo, shut up,” I said. “You’re going to be an awesome dad.”
“Yeah?” He turned his frenzied eyes to me. “How so? People are supposed to get this kind of impression from their own fathers, and my dad is a right tosser –”
“BECAUSE,” I cut across. “You’re a good brother.”
“What does that have to do –”
“Everything,” I said calmly.
“I’m a Seer, don’t argue with me.”
He crossed his arms, looking resentful. “I’m not allowed to argue with the Seer or the pregnant person – who the hell am I allowed to argue with, then?”
“You can argue with Fred!” I said brightly. “Yo Fred, do me a favor and argue with Apollo, will you? He’s in the mood to verbally joust with someone.”
Fred opened his mouth, but Dom quickly cut across him, walking over to grab Apollo’s arm. “Hi there. We need to go shopping, I don’t have any clothes to wear.”
Apollo looked down at her. “But you look fine.”
“No,” She said in a dangerous voice. “I look fat. I need new clothes, since I don’t fit into my old ones. Because I am fat.”
Apollo sent me a frightened look over Dom’s head, and I, along with Ella and Alex, gestured frantically at him. His eyes widened in alarm, and I stopped my throat-cutting gestures and mouthed ‘It’s all you’ at him.
He sighed and looked down again, kissing Dom on the forehead. “You’re not fat, you’re pregnant.”
I knew this kid was my twin brother for a reason. Maybe we do have some sort of really cool twin telepathy that makes us say the same things in certain situations.
That is so cool!
“Same difference,” Dom said, crossing her arms.
“Well,” He told her, his eyes brightening. “I think that you’ve never looked more beautiful before in your life than you do right now.”
Dom’s eyes narrowed.
“You have to think that,” She snapped. “I’m carrying your child.”
“And I love you for it,” He said, smiling his brightest, most winning smile. Dom’s cold façade crumbled, and she let out a begrudging smile, letting it grow as Apollo kissed her on the mouth.
“Excuse me, if you’re quite done, I think I’d like to – meep!” I squeaked, my eyes widening as they focused on something behind Apollo.
Everyone turned around (Dom and Apollo even stopped snogging, which is pretty much awesome in my books) to see James and Sarah-The-Barbie-Cow-of-Evilness walking towards us, hand in hand, looking like they had just won the ‘Best Couple of the Year’ award.
Bloody tosser-face-gits. They are not a good couple. They look atrocious together. She’s too…blonde and curvy and…has a fat smile…and…
Poo. She looks like the better version of me and they look great together.
I look cute-ish (or as cute as Artemis can get, which isn’t very cute at all) with my brown peacoat, jeans, brown boots and bright red scarf, along with the bow in my hair and my crazy curls, but she looks downright fabulous (as in ‘just-walked-out-of-a-bloody-fashion-magazine’ fabulous) in her little pink coat and white stockings.
Damn her for making me feel like a hobo.
“Hey guys!” James said, grinning around at us as he approached. “Heading down to Hogsmeade?”
“Yeah,” Jason said, smiling nervously. “We were just on our way.”
I wonder if my life will ever be not-awkward.
“Hey, where did Al and them go?” James asked. There were a round of shrugs, and I made a face. Damn it, I’m the only one who knows?!
I sighed. “He and Noah are doubling with Rose and Scorp today.”
James brightened. “Hey, we should do that! All of us – it’ll be like a quadruple-date!”
I scowled. “Oi, and what am I supposed to do, run a bloody marathon while you guys are at it?”
James suddenly looked uncomfortable, like he was wishing that he hadn’t opened his mouth to say that, but Barbie let out a peal of laughter. “Sounds like a good idea to me.”
I opened my mouth to tell her off (probably something along the lines of ‘sod-off-bitch’) but Apollo quickly grabbed my arm and started dragging me back. “Actually, James, we were all just going to get some shopping done today. We’ll see you once you get rid – er…when you get back.”
“Rid of the bloody wart plaster?” Alex finished for Apollo in a sly voice once we’d hurriedly shuffled away.
He grinned at her. “You stole the words right out of my mouth.”
“I wish you’d said it,” Dom muttered, shoving her hands in her pockets and kicking a random pebble as we all walked along.
“Honestly? Me too,” Fred laughed. “That would have wiped the smug look right off of her face. What was the bloke thinking, anyway?”
“Correction: he wasn’t,” Ella shook her head. “That thing has no personality, and I’m pretty sure James can tell that we hate her, but he’s not bothering to do a thing about it.”
“Bloody tosspot,” I added.
“I still don’t see why we don’t just get rid of her,” Jason complained.
“Well, it’s because she knows that Artemis is a Seer and she’s going to tell everyone if we – ow, Alex, what was that for?!” Fred whined as he rubbed the back of his head. I hit him as well, just for good measure, and his eyes widened. “Oh, shit.”
“You idiot,” I told him, narrowing my eyes.
“Calm down guys, I already knew,” Jason said, shrugging. We stared at him.
“How?” I asked.
Jason grinned. “Figured it out.”
“How?” I asked again, this time in ringing disbelief.
“Oi,” He nudged me with his shoulder, scowling playfully. “I’m not stupid, you know. I guess I just know you really well.”
“Jason’s always been the most perceptive of all of us,” Apollo added thoughtfully.
“Jason’s pretty smart,” Jason added, throwing out his chest. Ella smacked him, and he inflated meekly. “I meant to say – er – sometimes I can figure things out.”
“You’re whipped, mate,” Fred informed him.
Jason hit him as well.
“Wait!” I interrupted, throwing up my hands before they started beating each other up. “I have an idea!”
Everyone quieted down as they saw my ‘contemplating evil’ face, which, I will admit, looks pretty devious and rather frightening.
“I’m afraid,” Alex stage-whispered.
I continued to smile evilly. “You should be.”
“Methinks,” I said, pausing dramatically to look around at my cronies, “It is time to pay a visit to The Shop.”
“What shop?” Dom asked blankly.
I narrowed my eyes. “The Shop.”
“What shop?” Fred repeated.
“Your dad’s shop, you idiot!” I yelled, throwing my hands up. “Honestly, why do I even bother with you people?”
“Oh,” Realization dawned on Freddie, and a huge smile spread across his face. “This is going to be one interesting Christmas.”
“Correction: it’s going to be one bloody awesome Christmas!” Ella grinned, her eyes glittering with life as she beamed. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun!”
Yes it is, dearest Ella. Yes it is.
Watch out, Sarah-Bitch. This is now war.
And you’re going to lose.
hi! so, after much (about a half a minute) of deliberating, i realized that chapter 21 was really nothing more than artemis being unhappy and whiny inbetween writing a list of baby names for Dom. like, honestly...BO-RING. even though some of the names were pretty damn funny, i'll admit. thanks again for all the names you guys gave me! unfortunately, i decided to leave out the section i was planning them for, but i appreciate it anyway<3
it's been a while, and i'm sorry for that. please review? i need some sort of motivation to keep writing this story, and your reviews always do that for me <3 i'm having a little issue with writer's block in chapter 27 right now :| so not fun.